Original subtitles

Well, here we are again.

Wherever that is.

Oh, Lord.

Another 15 minutes of relentless gibberish from God's lost messenger.

Maybe you and I should slip out to the local hostelry. Good night.

Good morning.

And how nice to see so many bright and cheery faces gathered round the front

this glorious day for the christening of this child.

It's Nicholas Sunday.

Nicholas Sunday.

It's not a christening, Dennis.

Sermon number 12.

The conversion of St Paul on the road to Spaceways.

Get on with it.

Ah, yes.

Thank you.

I had this week a missive of great importance from Mabic.

M -A -B -I -C. Now, I expect you're all wondering what Mabic stands for.

Mabic stands for the movement against bats in churches.

Why do you always dump all your duffers on us?

These people believe that... bats should be discouraged from living in churches

because of their dropping problems.

Not that bats drop, but their droppings drop.

And they have a point.

But here at Lower Chorley, we have no bat problem.

And we can thank the Colonel's wife for this.

Our bats soon packed up their bags when they saw Deirdre Bagshaw climbing up

into the rafters with her canisters of cyanide gas.

Nice one, Deirdre.

That was a really stupid sermon. Oh, thank you. See you next time, then.

Hello, Diana.

How's Tom?

Tom is in hospital.

Oh. Is he ill?

No, he's taken up brain surgery.

Just thaw the top off your skull, send in a couple of ferrets, see if they can

find a modicum of sanity and chase it out your ears.

If you think it would be a good idea.

I've taken the tablets, Dennis.

A very attractive woman, that Diana.

My bones happen to be very brittle.

I do not appreciate being rattled around like a stick in an oil drum.

So the next time you want to play boy racer, make sure I'm not in the back and

then do it the wrong way up the motorway.

I think he's asleep, Miss Trent.

Yes, well, plenty of time to sleep when he's dead.

He'll wake him up. He needs his rest.

Look, I have come a long way today.

I had to catch a train jammed with vomiting Millwall intellectuals. I had

a cab driven by something out of Star Trek.

I do not need to hear that my journey has been in vain because old Droopy

has decided to have a kip in honour of my coming. Now, where is this room?

Here.

What?

This is Mr Ballard's bed.

Why is he out of his room?

This is his room.

What do you mean, stupid? This is a corridor.

It's what we call the circumcision.

What? The cutbacks.

It's had to tell us the ward, and, well, this is the overflow.

Look, he has had a long life contributing to the National Health

He has paid for more than a corridor.

Well, it doesn't seem to worry him too much. No, I don't suppose it does worry

him. He's an optimist.

You cut off his head. He'd be thrilled at the saving on hats.

That is me.

You go and get... A gynaecologist and the Secretary of State for Health. I

them here right now.

See how she feels about having her annual tube check done in a bloody

Hello, old thing.

Stirring it up, are you? Just getting up steam, Tom.

So, how are you, me old stoat?

A cup of tea would make me feel 24 again.

And what about your friend?

A cup of acid would make her feel 90 again.

I see that.

So, how do you feel today, Tom?

I feel fine, considering... Considering what?

Considering I've had a medical plumber send his mole up my ding -a -ling and

then scrape bits off my prostate.

Considering all that, I feel fine.

So, what are we going to do about this corridor farce?

Nothing. I do know how to create a stink, Tom. I do have about six

bloody -mindedness.

I could get that ward open in five minutes.

No, I like it here.

I get to see people.

Hello, Jimmy.

Give me five, man.

Hit my skin, bro.

Hello, Tom.

This is my main woman, Diana.

She's a bit of a jive -ass honky babe.

Yes.

What's he saying?

God knows.

Nice to see you, Tom.

See?

Who wants to be stuck in a dull room gaping at a wall when one can be out

embracing humanity?

You mean where you can become living proof of our crumbling social system?

Where you can become a statistic of decay and decline?

Where you can experience... Manic futility and existential gloom as we all

plunge down the cosmic gurgler of this planet we call despair.

Ever thought of working for the Comaritans?

One of the great joys of this time of year is that as the night draws in, we

turn to the fascinating problems of internal home maintenance.

How many of you out there have a lack of proper lubrication under the shower

door? Geoffrey!

If you do not turn that off right now, I will be forced to kill you.

Er, righto.

I'm worried about Dad.

Yes, well, so I should think. He's just had a nasty prostate operation.

All very upsetting and traumatic.

All you can do is sit there like a soggy pudding watching DIY tapes.

Yes, I'm sorry, Diana. It's my way of coping.

You see, I've had an awful adult life. Oh, my.

I married a drunken tart who's trying to sleep with the entire male population

of Bournemouth.

I have children who should be kept in cages.

And now I have a sick father who could be within a stone's throw of the great

home centre in the sky.

Oh, Ada.

Are you trying to OD on DIY?

It's my escape. If I can get through this life with grouting that is never

allowed to yellow, with an S -ben that has no ugly calcium build -up, with no

mould obstructing my downpipe, then maybe...

Maybe it's all been worthwhile, the awfulness.

Geoffrey, what would you give to have your father leaping about again?

Anything, of course.

All right, then. Why not sacrifice your wife?

What? Yes, why not say to God, look, if my father is OK, then I will give Marian

up unto you on a stake.

God wouldn't want Marian.

All right, then try the opposition.

Oh, no, she's already working for him.

Diana, please, I think it's a bit much to refer to my wife as a servant of the

devil. Geoffrey!

Let's see, shall we? In here, dear.

I can see you're in here. I'm not blind.

Hello, Marion. Lovely to see you.

I've just been talking to the idiot Bane.

That must have been a meeting of great minds.

I want all the things in here marked clearly.

Red dot for her junk and blue dot for Tom's. Marion. What are you talking

It's for the bed.

Blastiness should the worst occur.

I mean, I know what it's like when people are bereaved.

They can lose their minds and start making claims on things which aren't

strictly theirs. So it would be much simpler if everything was clearly

All right?

Get out.

Get out at once.

Red and blue dots, Geoffrey.

Goodbye.

Pure evil.

I have thought of leaving her, but it's a question of custody.

You wouldn't want your revolting children.

I was actually thinking of the kitchen cupboards.

I don't understand it.

Jane, the golf club have rejected me for the third time in a row.

Oh, dear.

I wonder why.

I don't know. I mean, I wore all the right clothes.

Regimental blazer, old Etonian tie, my nice shoes with the tassels on them.

What did you put down at your inn? Well, all the right things. Hunting foxes,

shooting grouses, dynamiting salmon.

What else did they ask you?

What I could bring to the social side of the club.

What did you suggest?

Wet T -shirt contest.

Called the club secretary's wife. She could probably win serious money with

those whacking great big knockers.

I said to her, do you have problems standing up, right?

No, I think they really like my sense of humour.

I bet they do. They did?

I also told them how they might reshape the membership. You know, get back to

the good old days. A bit less of the old ethnic minorities.

What did Mrs Bernstein say about that?

Not much.

She just seemed to have a sort of choking fit.

Now, what are we going to do about old Tom?

I thought a nice welcome home party.

What do you mean, welcome home? I've just had Marion in here telling me he

hasn't got a hope in hell of surviving.

And would I evict Diana from his place as soon as he snuffed it?

Oh, he's not going to die.

It was only a minor operation.

The prostate wasn't malignant, so they just had to shave a bit off it so he

could do wee -wees properly.

But I was planning a goodbye Diana party straight after the funeral.

Why are old people so inconsiderate? Why can't they just die on time?

Harvey! What? I'm beginning to have serious doubts about you.

What did I say?

Marianne. Leave me alone.

Oh, what is the matter?

What do you think is the matter?

He's as fit as a fiddle. Well, that's marvellous, isn't it?

No, it isn't.

Whenever he gets sick, all he ever does is get better.

Marianne. He doesn't outlive us all.

It's not natural.

They're all doing it these days.

Everybody I know has some damn parent who drags on forever.

into Antigua.

Antigua? Everybody goes to Antigua with the money their parents leave them.

Of course, I know.

With our luck, we'll be dead by the time we get there.

When you're old, you snuff it, and your kids get the money, and they go to

Antigua.

Diana's right.

She really is evil.

Marion.

Would you like a divorce, dear?

Don't try and tear me up.

John loves his fresh vegetable soup.

I think it's unhealthy, but I smile along to keep him happy.

It'll be lovely to have it back.

He's only been gone three days, Jane.

No need to get weepy.

It's just so...

I'm not surprised, living in this place.

Life is so transient.

One minute you're all young and full of the joys, with a million years ahead of

you. And the next minute you're staring at a wooden lid, hearing the dirt hit

your box, while Dennis tries to christen you.

Oh, Diana.

Oh, what's it all about?

About?

Absolutely nothing, Jane.

We're just things. that grow old and then die like, well, like dandelions.

I don't believe that, of course.

I believe in the soul and life everlasting.

Ah, but you have your doubt.

No, I don't. Yes, of course you do. If you had no doubt, you'd be saying, never

mind if life is hell, let's just get through the next few years and then I'll

to heaven and look like Jerry Hall.

It's just I feel maybe I've taken a wrong turning. Yes, haven't we all? It

the one at the bottom of the drive.

You mean your position as doormat?

Precisely. I really shouldn't let him treat me the way he does. No, you should

go rotting with a cheese wire.

I spent years trying to fine -tune some of the less charming sides of his

character. Like all of them.

But it doesn't seem to have worked. He still walks all over me. I'm beginning

lose my self -respect.

I'm going to change myself.

That's a good idea, Jane.

Meanwhile, if there are any choice bits of him you'd like to pop into the

blender.

Thank you and all your team for a brilliant job.

I think we have probably made medical history here this week.

Not only has my prostate been added to the book, not only are my waterworks now

flowing like the River Ganges in full flood, but we have also...

successfully completed the first total head transplant.

When I came in here, I was simply good old Clark Gable.

But thanks to a 27 -hour operation and a team of international surgeons, here I

am, the world -famous Thomas Ballard Esquire, M .A.

Bombay.

Tom, get in a flaming taxi quick before they call a paddy wagon.

Must go. I think I hear my sweetheart gently calling.

Bye. Bye.

Why didn't Geoffrey drive you here?

I think he has one or two problems of his own.

You're pathetic.

You know that.

Yes, I do. And it's time for a change.

I'm leaving you.

You're always leaving me.

I have come to the conclusion that you are not a human being.

You are an emissary of the devil.

I'm taking Volvo, too. I hope you're very happy together.

And where are you going to go this time? I'm going to find myself a good woman

with a warm heart and the ability to love a man who can put up a shelf

plumb line or a spirit level.

But what about the children?

You can't leave me with them.

Hello, Tom.

So glad you're not dead.

Sorry to disappoint you.

Never mind.

Next time.

Welcome back.

We must celebrate.

Here is whoring and boozing.

Dad!

How are you, Tom?

Fine, fine.

It was tough.

But I'm a man. I bit the bullet.

I knew it was only another day's travel to the Pole.

So I just got out my old penknife and mirror and cut out my own damned

Oh, you really are better.

The Lord be praised.

Yeah, terrific.

I'm really thrilled.

It's not cooked.

Probably needs a bit longer.

It's had three hours.

It's only a little bit. No, stay where you are. You're supposed to be resting.

I've been resting for days.

Done much of this cooking stuff, have you? What do you mean?

For the best results you'll find, you have to turn the oven on.

will be another couple of minutes.

I do wish you would let me do it.

Why? Because you can't cook to save your life. Yes, I can. How do you think I

survived before I met you?

You went to restaurants.

We should have gone to the dining room.

We pay for all these dead dog stews. We might as well eat them. No, no, we must

be independent and self -sufficient.

But we're not. That's why we're here. We're propped up by the grace of God,

welfare state, and the remains of the national health system.

I've had a lot of time to think while I've been in hospital, and I've realized

that we are now on borrowed time.

Oh, rubbish. So, maybe we should be paying interest on this borrowed time. I

think I feel a fog descending on the frontal lobes.

To whom should we be paying this interest?

The young.

Oh, sob the young.

The longer we live and consume...

without creating or contributing, the more of a burden we are. Good. I like

being a burden.

And the only way we can justify this debt is if we pay it back in helping the

young. Don't you think?

No, I don't. I think we should get back at the young for being so young while we

are so old.

How dare they be so rude? I think we should machine -gun the young.

If only we could harness this aggressive venom of yours, we could replace all

the nuclear power stations overnight.

Drink your barley water.

I'm sick of barley water.

They said you should keep flushing the system, so get flushing.

Oh, well, I suppose life is going to get all boring again now.

I mean, once the immediate crisis is over, I've had a few minutes shouting,

hooray, I'm OK, then what?

I have to go back to wandering around, trying to find people to irritate.

I'm just going to enjoy it.

Here's to peace and quiet. Here's to a few weeks' respite before the next

comes knocking on the door.

Hello. And here it is.

Come in, Geoffrey. What's home?

It's good to see you up and about. It's really good.

It's just excellent. It's fantastic.

Wonderful. It's marvellous. Brilliant.

Please, are you? I am. Gosh, I am.

I absolutely am. I really am, definitely.

Then why... Could you have not got off your bottom and gone and fetched him

the hospital?

Diana, it's all right. No, it's not all right, Tom.

He is the only dad you've got, Fat Jeffy.

He could have been there.

I'm sorry, I was coping with Marion.

Is she all right?

No, actually.

Oh, dear.

Not sick, is she?

Yes, she is. What's wrong with her?

She is in league with the devil.

Would you like to sit down, Jeffrey?

So, high or chipped?

Bathroom tile.

Dad, normally I'd love to talk home care with you, but since my wife has gone

and joined up with the great Lucifer, I thought I'd lost interest in tile,

chipped or otherwise.

Diana, stop right there.

You have anything to do with this?

Just kidding.

I would like to know where you were going to go.

It explains why she's so awful, so unfaithful, why she's never done

decent in her entire life, why she's so...

Evil.

She's a disciple of the devil.

If not the daughter of the devil.

Oh, good boy.

Fasten your seatbelts. We're in for a bumpy ride.

What do you think of that, Dennis?

Carved skin.

To make these gloves, they have to breathe special baby pigs.

It's not the skin.

Is there only the one?

Golfers only wear one glove, Dennis.

They're real men.

Oh, so you did get into the golf club, then? No, I didn't.

And I know why.

The whole of the selection committee are married. That's why they keep rejecting

me. They can't bear the thought of a handsome young fellow not being shackled

wedlock.

I'm sure you're right.

Why did you want to see me, Harvey?

Because I want to get married, of course.

To get into the golf club? Right.

Well, I suppose that's as good a reason as any.

Who's the lucky woman?

Well, I was thinking of Jane.

Well, she's sort of convenient and she's on the payroll.

She has to do what I say.

What does she feel about this? Well, I haven't told her yet. Yeah, but she's

about me, so that's no problem.

Well, oh.

You must let me conduct your funeral ceremony.

Moving right along.

Yes. This, uh... This devil business.

Which, of course, is highly debatable, but which you believe, obviously.

For the moment... Diana.

What do you intend to do about it?

I'm going to cleanse my soul.

Good.

Good.

Nothing like a bit of the old soul cleanse.

But, uh... What exactly are you going to do? I've done it already.

What? You haven't done her in?

I've left her. Again?

It's forever this time. It was forever last time. This time it's forever,

forever. I'm not going to burn through all eternity for her.

I mean, what's she ever done for me?

But where are you going to go?

I've gone.

Where? Here. No.

What? You can't stay here.

I always come here when I leave Marion.

Tom and I made a pact.

last time. We decided that if ever either of us weakened and let you stay

again, the other was perfectly entitled to shoot the feeble one.

You mean no?

We exchanged blood, Geoffrey. You cannot stay here, devil or no devil.

It's because I'm so boring, isn't it?

Oh, of course not.

Yes.

I'm not going to be from now on.

When I've shaken off the she -devil, I'm going to get out there and live a bit.

Good. Better start by getting out there, then.

Maybe he could stay just for a few days.

I'll get my gun.

No, Tom, N -O, forget it.

I'm sorry, Geoffrey. It's all right.

I'll find somewhere.

Oh, hello.

How are you, Geoffrey?

Marion has joined the Dark Legions of Satan.

Oh, that's nice.

The devil.

Marion is working for the devil.

She's his local rep.

Jeffrey has left her.

Oh. Noah, I've nowhere to lay my head.

Can't he stay here?

No.

Oh, he can stop with my grandad.

Jamie's always saying he's got no -one to share his big bed with.

Thank you, Jane.

You are a kind and wonderful person.

Thank you.

Nice person, too.

Most kind of you, Jane.

Not at all.

I think a man whose wife is possessed by the devil needs a bit of a hand.

What's your name, Jeffrey?

Yes, his name's Doncaster.

Doncaster? Yes.

Do you think it's a bit silly to name a teddy after a station you were once sick

in?

Oh, this is very nice.

Human.

Hello, Doncaster.

Welcome to Bayview.

He says, thank you, Jane. He's sure he'll be very happy here.

Well, well, well.

You, er... You don't think we're witnessing the start of something really

grotesque, do you?

Geoffrey's a married man.

So? People who aren't married don't indulge in funny business.

Oh. Oh, I see.

Tom?

Yes?

Do you fancy a matinee?

What, cinema?

No, not cinema.

Oh, I see.

I see what you mean, yes. A bit of the old rumpy -pumpy ooh -la -la.

Second thoughts, forget it.

Why?

Well, we're not married, are we?

Unmarried people don't do it, do they?

Oh, I see.

You're making a point.

Jane and Geoffrey, eh? Yes, exactly. Anything's possible, even for that half

-wit son of yours.

Do you mind?

He is of the tribe of Ballard.

We have been famous sex machines since Roman times. In fact, I think we ought

have a little matinee.

The wind's in the right direction.

There's a full moon.

And I've had enough vitamins to get me round the Grand National.

I also had a nasty operation.

For heaven's sake, calm down.

I don't want you dropping to bits in my bed, thank you.

Right.

So, what do we do?

Oh, I don't know.

That's the trouble with being old.

Take away the sex and there's nothing else to do.

There's a new man in the library. Doesn't know us. We could go down and

the campaign.

Good idea.

Come on.

I'll get Geoffrey to drive us down.

What shall we do?

Mad blind man.

What variations?

Thinks he's in the swimming pool?

Yeah. Wants to know where to take off all his clothes.

I'll borrow Betty Josie's white stick.

And I'll ring the dog woman. She's got a new rottweiler.

We'll feed it with sherbet and it'll froth up the mouth.

Really?

I love it.

We'll teach them not to put in wheelchair ramps. We certainly will.