1 00:00:50,949 --> 00:00:53,110 Well, here we are again. 2 00:00:54,210 --> 00:00:55,430 Wherever that is. 3 00:00:56,010 --> 00:00:57,010 Oh, Lord. 4 00:00:57,190 --> 00:01:01,390 Another 15 minutes of relentless gibberish from God's lost messenger. 5 00:01:02,570 --> 00:01:06,390 Maybe you and I should slip out to the local hostelry. Good night. 6 00:01:07,350 --> 00:01:08,410 Good morning. 7 00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:14,230 And how nice to see so many bright and cheery faces gathered round the front 8 00:01:14,230 --> 00:01:17,750 this glorious day for the christening of this child. 9 00:01:18,330 --> 00:01:20,490 It's Nicholas Sunday. 10 00:01:21,450 --> 00:01:23,130 Nicholas Sunday. 11 00:01:25,270 --> 00:01:27,370 It's not a christening, Dennis. 12 00:01:28,330 --> 00:01:29,750 Sermon number 12. 13 00:01:30,050 --> 00:01:33,410 The conversion of St Paul on the road to Spaceways. 14 00:01:34,290 --> 00:01:35,730 Get on with it. 15 00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:37,230 Ah, yes. 16 00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:38,900 Thank you. 17 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:45,900 I had this week a missive of great importance from Mabic. 18 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:50,440 M -A -B -I -C. Now, I expect you're all wondering what Mabic stands for. 19 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:58,960 Mabic stands for the movement against bats in churches. 20 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,640 Why do you always dump all your duffers on us? 21 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:09,690 These people believe that... bats should be discouraged from living in churches 22 00:02:09,690 --> 00:02:11,850 because of their dropping problems. 23 00:02:13,590 --> 00:02:18,310 Not that bats drop, but their droppings drop. 24 00:02:18,810 --> 00:02:20,350 And they have a point. 25 00:02:21,050 --> 00:02:25,590 But here at Lower Chorley, we have no bat problem. 26 00:02:25,810 --> 00:02:28,090 And we can thank the Colonel's wife for this. 27 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:33,960 Our bats soon packed up their bags when they saw Deirdre Bagshaw climbing up 28 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,740 into the rafters with her canisters of cyanide gas. 29 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:39,960 Nice one, Deirdre. 30 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:47,840 That was a really stupid sermon. Oh, thank you. See you next time, then. 31 00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:49,940 Hello, Diana. 32 00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:51,099 How's Tom? 33 00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:52,200 Tom is in hospital. 34 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:54,140 Oh. Is he ill? 35 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,540 No, he's taken up brain surgery. 36 00:02:57,740 --> 00:03:01,260 Just thaw the top off your skull, send in a couple of ferrets, see if they can 37 00:03:01,260 --> 00:03:03,640 find a modicum of sanity and chase it out your ears. 38 00:03:05,420 --> 00:03:07,260 If you think it would be a good idea. 39 00:03:08,300 --> 00:03:09,720 I've taken the tablets, Dennis. 40 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,160 A very attractive woman, that Diana. 41 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,660 My bones happen to be very brittle. 42 00:03:30,140 --> 00:03:34,240 I do not appreciate being rattled around like a stick in an oil drum. 43 00:03:34,460 --> 00:03:39,080 So the next time you want to play boy racer, make sure I'm not in the back and 44 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:40,920 then do it the wrong way up the motorway. 45 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,040 I think he's asleep, Miss Trent. 46 00:03:46,340 --> 00:03:48,820 Yes, well, plenty of time to sleep when he's dead. 47 00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:51,580 He'll wake him up. He needs his rest. 48 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,840 Look, I have come a long way today. 49 00:03:55,520 --> 00:04:00,840 I had to catch a train jammed with vomiting Millwall intellectuals. I had 50 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,960 a cab driven by something out of Star Trek. 51 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:07,600 I do not need to hear that my journey has been in vain because old Droopy 52 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:11,200 has decided to have a kip in honour of my coming. Now, where is this room? 53 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:13,040 Here. 54 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:14,560 What? 55 00:04:15,740 --> 00:04:17,180 This is Mr Ballard's bed. 56 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:23,460 Why is he out of his room? 57 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:24,720 This is his room. 58 00:04:25,450 --> 00:04:27,010 What do you mean, stupid? This is a corridor. 59 00:04:27,590 --> 00:04:29,070 It's what we call the circumcision. 60 00:04:29,510 --> 00:04:31,110 What? The cutbacks. 61 00:04:33,130 --> 00:04:35,550 It's had to tell us the ward, and, well, this is the overflow. 62 00:04:35,990 --> 00:04:40,190 Look, he has had a long life contributing to the National Health 63 00:04:40,610 --> 00:04:42,490 He has paid for more than a corridor. 64 00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:45,930 Well, it doesn't seem to worry him too much. No, I don't suppose it does worry 65 00:04:45,930 --> 00:04:46,930 him. He's an optimist. 66 00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:49,910 You cut off his head. He'd be thrilled at the saving on hats. 67 00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:51,490 That is me. 68 00:04:52,810 --> 00:04:57,790 You go and get... A gynaecologist and the Secretary of State for Health. I 69 00:04:57,790 --> 00:04:59,210 them here right now. 70 00:05:00,070 --> 00:05:04,630 See how she feels about having her annual tube check done in a bloody 71 00:05:06,270 --> 00:05:07,370 Hello, old thing. 72 00:05:07,870 --> 00:05:10,750 Stirring it up, are you? Just getting up steam, Tom. 73 00:05:11,710 --> 00:05:15,010 So, how are you, me old stoat? 74 00:05:15,590 --> 00:05:20,190 A cup of tea would make me feel 24 again. 75 00:05:20,850 --> 00:05:22,110 And what about your friend? 76 00:05:22,750 --> 00:05:25,510 A cup of acid would make her feel 90 again. 77 00:05:25,750 --> 00:05:26,750 I see that. 78 00:05:28,470 --> 00:05:32,210 So, how do you feel today, Tom? 79 00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:38,370 I feel fine, considering... Considering what? 80 00:05:38,810 --> 00:05:43,250 Considering I've had a medical plumber send his mole up my ding -a -ling and 81 00:05:43,250 --> 00:05:46,210 then scrape bits off my prostate. 82 00:05:47,310 --> 00:05:48,970 Considering all that, I feel fine. 83 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,340 So, what are we going to do about this corridor farce? 84 00:05:59,980 --> 00:06:05,320 Nothing. I do know how to create a stink, Tom. I do have about six 85 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:06,320 bloody -mindedness. 86 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,740 I could get that ward open in five minutes. 87 00:06:09,180 --> 00:06:10,780 No, I like it here. 88 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:12,440 I get to see people. 89 00:06:13,180 --> 00:06:14,180 Hello, Jimmy. 90 00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:15,700 Give me five, man. 91 00:06:16,220 --> 00:06:17,380 Hit my skin, bro. 92 00:06:18,180 --> 00:06:19,180 Hello, Tom. 93 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,220 This is my main woman, Diana. 94 00:06:21,940 --> 00:06:24,260 She's a bit of a jive -ass honky babe. 95 00:06:26,380 --> 00:06:27,380 Yes. 96 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:28,680 What's he saying? 97 00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:30,100 God knows. 98 00:06:31,620 --> 00:06:32,800 Nice to see you, Tom. 99 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,060 See? 100 00:06:35,620 --> 00:06:40,520 Who wants to be stuck in a dull room gaping at a wall when one can be out 101 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:41,800 embracing humanity? 102 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:46,880 You mean where you can become living proof of our crumbling social system? 103 00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:50,220 Where you can become a statistic of decay and decline? 104 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:56,440 Where you can experience... Manic futility and existential gloom as we all 105 00:06:56,440 --> 00:07:01,260 plunge down the cosmic gurgler of this planet we call despair. 106 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,860 Ever thought of working for the Comaritans? 107 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:10,860 One of the great joys of this time of year is that as the night draws in, we 108 00:07:10,860 --> 00:07:14,500 turn to the fascinating problems of internal home maintenance. 109 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:20,780 How many of you out there have a lack of proper lubrication under the shower 110 00:07:20,780 --> 00:07:22,060 door? Geoffrey! 111 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:25,860 If you do not turn that off right now, I will be forced to kill you. 112 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,420 Er, righto. 113 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,100 I'm worried about Dad. 114 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:36,800 Yes, well, so I should think. He's just had a nasty prostate operation. 115 00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:38,940 All very upsetting and traumatic. 116 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:43,020 All you can do is sit there like a soggy pudding watching DIY tapes. 117 00:07:43,340 --> 00:07:45,900 Yes, I'm sorry, Diana. It's my way of coping. 118 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,620 You see, I've had an awful adult life. Oh, my. 119 00:07:48,830 --> 00:07:52,530 I married a drunken tart who's trying to sleep with the entire male population 120 00:07:52,530 --> 00:07:53,530 of Bournemouth. 121 00:07:54,210 --> 00:07:56,250 I have children who should be kept in cages. 122 00:07:56,930 --> 00:08:00,350 And now I have a sick father who could be within a stone's throw of the great 123 00:08:00,350 --> 00:08:01,710 home centre in the sky. 124 00:08:02,230 --> 00:08:03,230 Oh, Ada. 125 00:08:04,370 --> 00:08:06,470 Are you trying to OD on DIY? 126 00:08:07,410 --> 00:08:11,130 It's my escape. If I can get through this life with grouting that is never 127 00:08:11,130 --> 00:08:15,710 allowed to yellow, with an S -ben that has no ugly calcium build -up, with no 128 00:08:15,710 --> 00:08:18,190 mould obstructing my downpipe, then maybe... 129 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,140 Maybe it's all been worthwhile, the awfulness. 130 00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:27,720 Geoffrey, what would you give to have your father leaping about again? 131 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,200 Anything, of course. 132 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:32,600 All right, then. Why not sacrifice your wife? 133 00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:41,120 What? Yes, why not say to God, look, if my father is OK, then I will give Marian 134 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,520 up unto you on a stake. 135 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,480 God wouldn't want Marian. 136 00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:47,800 All right, then try the opposition. 137 00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:50,660 Oh, no, she's already working for him. 138 00:08:51,540 --> 00:08:54,620 Diana, please, I think it's a bit much to refer to my wife as a servant of the 139 00:08:54,620 --> 00:08:55,640 devil. Geoffrey! 140 00:08:56,380 --> 00:08:58,140 Let's see, shall we? In here, dear. 141 00:08:58,340 --> 00:09:00,360 I can see you're in here. I'm not blind. 142 00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:02,200 Hello, Marion. Lovely to see you. 143 00:09:04,220 --> 00:09:06,200 I've just been talking to the idiot Bane. 144 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,340 That must have been a meeting of great minds. 145 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,400 I want all the things in here marked clearly. 146 00:09:11,860 --> 00:09:16,100 Red dot for her junk and blue dot for Tom's. Marion. What are you talking 147 00:09:16,780 --> 00:09:17,820 It's for the bed. 148 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:22,570 Blastiness should the worst occur. 149 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:26,930 I mean, I know what it's like when people are bereaved. 150 00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:31,730 They can lose their minds and start making claims on things which aren't 151 00:09:31,730 --> 00:09:36,350 strictly theirs. So it would be much simpler if everything was clearly 152 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:37,610 All right? 153 00:09:37,770 --> 00:09:38,830 Get out. 154 00:09:39,190 --> 00:09:41,110 Get out at once. 155 00:09:41,570 --> 00:09:43,310 Red and blue dots, Geoffrey. 156 00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:44,730 Goodbye. 157 00:09:45,950 --> 00:09:47,830 Pure evil. 158 00:09:48,550 --> 00:09:50,930 I have thought of leaving her, but it's a question of custody. 159 00:09:51,330 --> 00:09:52,730 You wouldn't want your revolting children. 160 00:09:52,970 --> 00:09:54,490 I was actually thinking of the kitchen cupboards. 161 00:09:57,090 --> 00:09:59,210 I don't understand it. 162 00:10:01,130 --> 00:10:04,550 Jane, the golf club have rejected me for the third time in a row. 163 00:10:04,850 --> 00:10:05,850 Oh, dear. 164 00:10:06,050 --> 00:10:07,110 I wonder why. 165 00:10:07,590 --> 00:10:09,430 I don't know. I mean, I wore all the right clothes. 166 00:10:10,290 --> 00:10:15,090 Regimental blazer, old Etonian tie, my nice shoes with the tassels on them. 167 00:10:15,470 --> 00:10:19,910 What did you put down at your inn? Well, all the right things. Hunting foxes, 168 00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:22,470 shooting grouses, dynamiting salmon. 169 00:10:23,570 --> 00:10:25,670 What else did they ask you? 170 00:10:25,970 --> 00:10:28,110 What I could bring to the social side of the club. 171 00:10:28,350 --> 00:10:29,350 What did you suggest? 172 00:10:29,850 --> 00:10:30,850 Wet T -shirt contest. 173 00:10:32,550 --> 00:10:36,190 Called the club secretary's wife. She could probably win serious money with 174 00:10:36,190 --> 00:10:37,690 those whacking great big knockers. 175 00:10:38,770 --> 00:10:41,370 I said to her, do you have problems standing up, right? 176 00:10:42,170 --> 00:10:43,970 No, I think they really like my sense of humour. 177 00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:45,260 I bet they do. They did? 178 00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:48,580 I also told them how they might reshape the membership. You know, get back to 179 00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:51,200 the good old days. A bit less of the old ethnic minorities. 180 00:10:51,940 --> 00:10:54,700 What did Mrs Bernstein say about that? 181 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:56,320 Not much. 182 00:10:56,340 --> 00:10:58,080 She just seemed to have a sort of choking fit. 183 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,100 Now, what are we going to do about old Tom? 184 00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:04,100 I thought a nice welcome home party. 185 00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:07,960 What do you mean, welcome home? I've just had Marion in here telling me he 186 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,280 hasn't got a hope in hell of surviving. 187 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,520 And would I evict Diana from his place as soon as he snuffed it? 188 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:13,980 Oh, he's not going to die. 189 00:11:14,570 --> 00:11:16,290 It was only a minor operation. 190 00:11:16,630 --> 00:11:22,010 The prostate wasn't malignant, so they just had to shave a bit off it so he 191 00:11:22,010 --> 00:11:24,490 could do wee -wees properly. 192 00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:30,570 But I was planning a goodbye Diana party straight after the funeral. 193 00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:35,890 Why are old people so inconsiderate? Why can't they just die on time? 194 00:11:36,210 --> 00:11:40,710 Harvey! What? I'm beginning to have serious doubts about you. 195 00:11:42,190 --> 00:11:43,190 What did I say? 196 00:11:46,950 --> 00:11:48,030 Marianne. Leave me alone. 197 00:11:48,450 --> 00:11:49,530 Oh, what is the matter? 198 00:11:49,850 --> 00:11:51,050 What do you think is the matter? 199 00:11:51,270 --> 00:11:54,310 He's as fit as a fiddle. Well, that's marvellous, isn't it? 200 00:11:54,930 --> 00:11:56,070 No, it isn't. 201 00:11:57,570 --> 00:12:00,430 Whenever he gets sick, all he ever does is get better. 202 00:12:00,810 --> 00:12:02,890 Marianne. He doesn't outlive us all. 203 00:12:03,310 --> 00:12:04,310 It's not natural. 204 00:12:04,770 --> 00:12:06,130 They're all doing it these days. 205 00:12:06,890 --> 00:12:10,530 Everybody I know has some damn parent who drags on forever. 206 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,040 into Antigua. 207 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:20,900 Antigua? Everybody goes to Antigua with the money their parents leave them. 208 00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:22,300 Of course, I know. 209 00:12:22,780 --> 00:12:25,180 With our luck, we'll be dead by the time we get there. 210 00:12:25,900 --> 00:12:29,540 When you're old, you snuff it, and your kids get the money, and they go to 211 00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:30,540 Antigua. 212 00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:35,100 Diana's right. 213 00:12:35,620 --> 00:12:36,920 She really is evil. 214 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:43,480 Marion. 215 00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:46,630 Would you like a divorce, dear? 216 00:12:47,570 --> 00:12:49,150 Don't try and tear me up. 217 00:12:51,810 --> 00:12:54,330 John loves his fresh vegetable soup. 218 00:12:55,670 --> 00:12:59,430 I think it's unhealthy, but I smile along to keep him happy. 219 00:13:00,230 --> 00:13:02,610 It'll be lovely to have it back. 220 00:13:05,130 --> 00:13:07,490 He's only been gone three days, Jane. 221 00:13:07,790 --> 00:13:09,190 No need to get weepy. 222 00:13:09,930 --> 00:13:10,930 It's just so... 223 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,060 I'm not surprised, living in this place. 224 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,660 Life is so transient. 225 00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:23,980 One minute you're all young and full of the joys, with a million years ahead of 226 00:13:23,980 --> 00:13:28,400 you. And the next minute you're staring at a wooden lid, hearing the dirt hit 227 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:32,600 your box, while Dennis tries to christen you. 228 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:34,540 Oh, Diana. 229 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:37,360 Oh, what's it all about? 230 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:38,900 About? 231 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,280 Absolutely nothing, Jane. 232 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:47,400 We're just things. that grow old and then die like, well, like dandelions. 233 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:49,520 I don't believe that, of course. 234 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:52,480 I believe in the soul and life everlasting. 235 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:54,100 Ah, but you have your doubt. 236 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,580 No, I don't. Yes, of course you do. If you had no doubt, you'd be saying, never 237 00:13:57,580 --> 00:14:01,240 mind if life is hell, let's just get through the next few years and then I'll 238 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,520 to heaven and look like Jerry Hall. 239 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:10,360 It's just I feel maybe I've taken a wrong turning. Yes, haven't we all? It 240 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:11,360 the one at the bottom of the drive. 241 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,900 You mean your position as doormat? 242 00:14:19,660 --> 00:14:23,720 Precisely. I really shouldn't let him treat me the way he does. No, you should 243 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:24,820 go rotting with a cheese wire. 244 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:31,300 I spent years trying to fine -tune some of the less charming sides of his 245 00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:32,900 character. Like all of them. 246 00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:37,740 But it doesn't seem to have worked. He still walks all over me. I'm beginning 247 00:14:37,740 --> 00:14:39,100 lose my self -respect. 248 00:14:39,780 --> 00:14:41,660 I'm going to change myself. 249 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:43,160 That's a good idea, Jane. 250 00:14:43,630 --> 00:14:46,750 Meanwhile, if there are any choice bits of him you'd like to pop into the 251 00:14:46,750 --> 00:14:47,750 blender. 252 00:14:51,170 --> 00:14:54,570 Thank you and all your team for a brilliant job. 253 00:14:55,130 --> 00:14:58,990 I think we have probably made medical history here this week. 254 00:15:00,110 --> 00:15:06,910 Not only has my prostate been added to the book, not only are my waterworks now 255 00:15:06,910 --> 00:15:11,570 flowing like the River Ganges in full flood, but we have also... 256 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:16,600 successfully completed the first total head transplant. 257 00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:21,560 When I came in here, I was simply good old Clark Gable. 258 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:27,780 But thanks to a 27 -hour operation and a team of international surgeons, here I 259 00:15:27,780 --> 00:15:32,080 am, the world -famous Thomas Ballard Esquire, M .A. 260 00:15:32,820 --> 00:15:33,820 Bombay. 261 00:15:35,340 --> 00:15:39,680 Tom, get in a flaming taxi quick before they call a paddy wagon. 262 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,480 Must go. I think I hear my sweetheart gently calling. 263 00:15:45,260 --> 00:15:46,340 Bye. Bye. 264 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,060 Why didn't Geoffrey drive you here? 265 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,400 I think he has one or two problems of his own. 266 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:57,760 You're pathetic. 267 00:15:58,080 --> 00:15:59,080 You know that. 268 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,020 Yes, I do. And it's time for a change. 269 00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:02,300 I'm leaving you. 270 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:03,860 You're always leaving me. 271 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:07,140 I have come to the conclusion that you are not a human being. 272 00:16:07,460 --> 00:16:09,380 You are an emissary of the devil. 273 00:16:10,510 --> 00:16:13,890 I'm taking Volvo, too. I hope you're very happy together. 274 00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:17,670 And where are you going to go this time? I'm going to find myself a good woman 275 00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:21,510 with a warm heart and the ability to love a man who can put up a shelf 276 00:16:21,510 --> 00:16:22,990 plumb line or a spirit level. 277 00:16:26,270 --> 00:16:27,770 But what about the children? 278 00:16:28,890 --> 00:16:30,630 You can't leave me with them. 279 00:16:43,530 --> 00:16:44,530 Hello, Tom. 280 00:16:44,870 --> 00:16:46,330 So glad you're not dead. 281 00:16:47,470 --> 00:16:49,970 Sorry to disappoint you. 282 00:16:50,330 --> 00:16:51,330 Never mind. 283 00:16:52,130 --> 00:16:53,130 Next time. 284 00:16:53,450 --> 00:16:54,530 Welcome back. 285 00:16:55,430 --> 00:16:56,630 We must celebrate. 286 00:16:57,210 --> 00:16:59,290 Here is whoring and boozing. 287 00:16:59,550 --> 00:17:00,550 Dad! 288 00:17:00,790 --> 00:17:02,110 How are you, Tom? 289 00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:04,389 Fine, fine. 290 00:17:04,569 --> 00:17:05,569 It was tough. 291 00:17:05,829 --> 00:17:07,630 But I'm a man. I bit the bullet. 292 00:17:08,050 --> 00:17:10,670 I knew it was only another day's travel to the Pole. 293 00:17:11,099 --> 00:17:15,880 So I just got out my old penknife and mirror and cut out my own damned 294 00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:18,500 Oh, you really are better. 295 00:17:18,819 --> 00:17:20,319 The Lord be praised. 296 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:21,780 Yeah, terrific. 297 00:17:22,780 --> 00:17:24,040 I'm really thrilled. 298 00:17:38,580 --> 00:17:39,640 It's not cooked. 299 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,140 Probably needs a bit longer. 300 00:17:42,420 --> 00:17:43,640 It's had three hours. 301 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,560 It's only a little bit. No, stay where you are. You're supposed to be resting. 302 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:48,720 I've been resting for days. 303 00:17:50,260 --> 00:17:52,620 Done much of this cooking stuff, have you? What do you mean? 304 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,580 For the best results you'll find, you have to turn the oven on. 305 00:18:08,650 --> 00:18:09,830 will be another couple of minutes. 306 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:14,370 I do wish you would let me do it. 307 00:18:14,630 --> 00:18:19,290 Why? Because you can't cook to save your life. Yes, I can. How do you think I 308 00:18:19,290 --> 00:18:20,590 survived before I met you? 309 00:18:20,790 --> 00:18:21,790 You went to restaurants. 310 00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:24,110 We should have gone to the dining room. 311 00:18:24,330 --> 00:18:28,310 We pay for all these dead dog stews. We might as well eat them. No, no, we must 312 00:18:28,310 --> 00:18:29,570 be independent and self -sufficient. 313 00:18:30,030 --> 00:18:33,490 But we're not. That's why we're here. We're propped up by the grace of God, 314 00:18:33,490 --> 00:18:36,310 welfare state, and the remains of the national health system. 315 00:18:36,830 --> 00:18:41,230 I've had a lot of time to think while I've been in hospital, and I've realized 316 00:18:41,230 --> 00:18:44,150 that we are now on borrowed time. 317 00:18:44,430 --> 00:18:49,810 Oh, rubbish. So, maybe we should be paying interest on this borrowed time. I 318 00:18:49,810 --> 00:18:52,870 think I feel a fog descending on the frontal lobes. 319 00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:56,610 To whom should we be paying this interest? 320 00:18:57,110 --> 00:18:58,110 The young. 321 00:18:58,270 --> 00:18:59,270 Oh, sob the young. 322 00:18:59,550 --> 00:19:04,150 The longer we live and consume... 323 00:19:04,780 --> 00:19:08,420 without creating or contributing, the more of a burden we are. Good. I like 324 00:19:08,420 --> 00:19:09,279 being a burden. 325 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:14,000 And the only way we can justify this debt is if we pay it back in helping the 326 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,340 young. Don't you think? 327 00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:19,080 No, I don't. I think we should get back at the young for being so young while we 328 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:20,080 are so old. 329 00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:24,960 How dare they be so rude? I think we should machine -gun the young. 330 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:29,840 If only we could harness this aggressive venom of yours, we could replace all 331 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,480 the nuclear power stations overnight. 332 00:19:33,770 --> 00:19:34,790 Drink your barley water. 333 00:19:35,530 --> 00:19:37,270 I'm sick of barley water. 334 00:19:37,570 --> 00:19:40,310 They said you should keep flushing the system, so get flushing. 335 00:19:43,290 --> 00:19:47,410 Oh, well, I suppose life is going to get all boring again now. 336 00:19:48,010 --> 00:19:51,290 I mean, once the immediate crisis is over, I've had a few minutes shouting, 337 00:19:51,470 --> 00:19:53,030 hooray, I'm OK, then what? 338 00:19:53,830 --> 00:19:58,150 I have to go back to wandering around, trying to find people to irritate. 339 00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:00,610 I'm just going to enjoy it. 340 00:20:01,180 --> 00:20:05,480 Here's to peace and quiet. Here's to a few weeks' respite before the next 341 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:06,680 comes knocking on the door. 342 00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:09,000 Hello. And here it is. 343 00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:12,140 Come in, Geoffrey. What's home? 344 00:20:12,460 --> 00:20:15,500 It's good to see you up and about. It's really good. 345 00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:17,540 It's just excellent. It's fantastic. 346 00:20:17,740 --> 00:20:19,920 Wonderful. It's marvellous. Brilliant. 347 00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:22,460 Please, are you? I am. Gosh, I am. 348 00:20:22,940 --> 00:20:26,240 I absolutely am. I really am, definitely. 349 00:20:26,540 --> 00:20:30,110 Then why... Could you have not got off your bottom and gone and fetched him 350 00:20:30,110 --> 00:20:30,849 the hospital? 351 00:20:30,850 --> 00:20:32,830 Diana, it's all right. No, it's not all right, Tom. 352 00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:36,290 He is the only dad you've got, Fat Jeffy. 353 00:20:36,670 --> 00:20:37,910 He could have been there. 354 00:20:38,330 --> 00:20:39,830 I'm sorry, I was coping with Marion. 355 00:20:40,230 --> 00:20:41,230 Is she all right? 356 00:20:41,330 --> 00:20:42,229 No, actually. 357 00:20:42,230 --> 00:20:43,230 Oh, dear. 358 00:20:44,050 --> 00:20:45,110 Not sick, is she? 359 00:20:45,350 --> 00:20:46,850 Yes, she is. What's wrong with her? 360 00:20:47,070 --> 00:20:48,510 She is in league with the devil. 361 00:20:51,650 --> 00:20:53,250 Would you like to sit down, Jeffrey? 362 00:20:54,150 --> 00:20:56,970 So, high or chipped? 363 00:20:57,310 --> 00:20:58,310 Bathroom tile. 364 00:20:58,510 --> 00:21:02,230 Dad, normally I'd love to talk home care with you, but since my wife has gone 365 00:21:02,230 --> 00:21:05,710 and joined up with the great Lucifer, I thought I'd lost interest in tile, 366 00:21:05,910 --> 00:21:06,910 chipped or otherwise. 367 00:21:07,010 --> 00:21:09,310 Diana, stop right there. 368 00:21:10,430 --> 00:21:12,330 You have anything to do with this? 369 00:21:13,250 --> 00:21:14,250 Just kidding. 370 00:21:14,470 --> 00:21:16,130 I would like to know where you were going to go. 371 00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:23,390 It explains why she's so awful, so unfaithful, why she's never done 372 00:21:23,390 --> 00:21:25,890 decent in her entire life, why she's so... 373 00:21:26,550 --> 00:21:27,550 Evil. 374 00:21:27,890 --> 00:21:29,510 She's a disciple of the devil. 375 00:21:30,810 --> 00:21:32,570 If not the daughter of the devil. 376 00:21:32,870 --> 00:21:34,330 Oh, good boy. 377 00:21:35,410 --> 00:21:38,250 Fasten your seatbelts. We're in for a bumpy ride. 378 00:21:40,350 --> 00:21:41,590 What do you think of that, Dennis? 379 00:21:42,410 --> 00:21:43,410 Carved skin. 380 00:21:43,670 --> 00:21:46,770 To make these gloves, they have to breathe special baby pigs. 381 00:21:47,050 --> 00:21:48,230 It's not the skin. 382 00:21:48,790 --> 00:21:49,970 Is there only the one? 383 00:21:50,550 --> 00:21:52,090 Golfers only wear one glove, Dennis. 384 00:21:52,630 --> 00:21:53,630 They're real men. 385 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:57,460 Oh, so you did get into the golf club, then? No, I didn't. 386 00:21:57,820 --> 00:21:58,820 And I know why. 387 00:21:58,940 --> 00:22:02,220 The whole of the selection committee are married. That's why they keep rejecting 388 00:22:02,220 --> 00:22:06,600 me. They can't bear the thought of a handsome young fellow not being shackled 389 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:07,600 wedlock. 390 00:22:07,740 --> 00:22:09,140 I'm sure you're right. 391 00:22:10,380 --> 00:22:13,920 Why did you want to see me, Harvey? 392 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:15,600 Because I want to get married, of course. 393 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:17,480 To get into the golf club? Right. 394 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,320 Well, I suppose that's as good a reason as any. 395 00:22:22,020 --> 00:22:23,100 Who's the lucky woman? 396 00:22:23,420 --> 00:22:24,420 Well, I was thinking of Jane. 397 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,980 Well, she's sort of convenient and she's on the payroll. 398 00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:29,940 She has to do what I say. 399 00:22:30,220 --> 00:22:34,080 What does she feel about this? Well, I haven't told her yet. Yeah, but she's 400 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:35,220 about me, so that's no problem. 401 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:37,160 Well, oh. 402 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,440 You must let me conduct your funeral ceremony. 403 00:22:52,810 --> 00:22:53,890 Moving right along. 404 00:22:54,210 --> 00:22:57,350 Yes. This, uh... This devil business. 405 00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:01,410 Which, of course, is highly debatable, but which you believe, obviously. 406 00:23:02,010 --> 00:23:03,510 For the moment... Diana. 407 00:23:03,990 --> 00:23:05,510 What do you intend to do about it? 408 00:23:05,810 --> 00:23:07,490 I'm going to cleanse my soul. 409 00:23:09,310 --> 00:23:10,310 Good. 410 00:23:10,490 --> 00:23:11,490 Good. 411 00:23:11,810 --> 00:23:13,830 Nothing like a bit of the old soul cleanse. 412 00:23:14,410 --> 00:23:18,610 But, uh... What exactly are you going to do? I've done it already. 413 00:23:18,950 --> 00:23:20,670 What? You haven't done her in? 414 00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:22,460 I've left her. Again? 415 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,520 It's forever this time. It was forever last time. This time it's forever, 416 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:30,660 forever. I'm not going to burn through all eternity for her. 417 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,900 I mean, what's she ever done for me? 418 00:23:34,380 --> 00:23:35,680 But where are you going to go? 419 00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:36,479 I've gone. 420 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:37,560 Where? Here. No. 421 00:23:40,540 --> 00:23:42,680 What? You can't stay here. 422 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:44,320 I always come here when I leave Marion. 423 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:45,940 Tom and I made a pact. 424 00:23:46,170 --> 00:23:49,870 last time. We decided that if ever either of us weakened and let you stay 425 00:23:49,870 --> 00:23:53,210 again, the other was perfectly entitled to shoot the feeble one. 426 00:23:55,390 --> 00:23:56,390 You mean no? 427 00:23:56,670 --> 00:24:00,950 We exchanged blood, Geoffrey. You cannot stay here, devil or no devil. 428 00:24:01,370 --> 00:24:03,030 It's because I'm so boring, isn't it? 429 00:24:03,430 --> 00:24:04,690 Oh, of course not. 430 00:24:04,910 --> 00:24:05,910 Yes. 431 00:24:07,710 --> 00:24:08,990 I'm not going to be from now on. 432 00:24:09,590 --> 00:24:13,090 When I've shaken off the she -devil, I'm going to get out there and live a bit. 433 00:24:13,230 --> 00:24:14,930 Good. Better start by getting out there, then. 434 00:24:15,630 --> 00:24:18,490 Maybe he could stay just for a few days. 435 00:24:19,050 --> 00:24:20,310 I'll get my gun. 436 00:24:20,990 --> 00:24:23,650 No, Tom, N -O, forget it. 437 00:24:24,350 --> 00:24:26,710 I'm sorry, Geoffrey. It's all right. 438 00:24:28,110 --> 00:24:29,130 I'll find somewhere. 439 00:24:29,970 --> 00:24:30,970 Oh, hello. 440 00:24:31,190 --> 00:24:32,770 How are you, Geoffrey? 441 00:24:32,990 --> 00:24:35,550 Marion has joined the Dark Legions of Satan. 442 00:24:36,190 --> 00:24:37,630 Oh, that's nice. 443 00:24:40,670 --> 00:24:41,730 The devil. 444 00:24:42,150 --> 00:24:44,370 Marion is working for the devil. 445 00:24:44,810 --> 00:24:45,810 She's his local rep. 446 00:24:47,650 --> 00:24:49,050 Jeffrey has left her. 447 00:24:49,350 --> 00:24:52,170 Oh. Noah, I've nowhere to lay my head. 448 00:24:53,890 --> 00:24:55,150 Can't he stay here? 449 00:24:55,570 --> 00:24:56,570 No. 450 00:24:56,610 --> 00:24:58,770 Oh, he can stop with my grandad. 451 00:24:59,330 --> 00:25:02,470 Jamie's always saying he's got no -one to share his big bed with. 452 00:25:04,730 --> 00:25:05,790 Thank you, Jane. 453 00:25:06,570 --> 00:25:08,830 You are a kind and wonderful person. 454 00:25:09,210 --> 00:25:10,570 Thank you. 455 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:14,480 Nice person, too. 456 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,200 Most kind of you, Jane. 457 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:22,400 Not at all. 458 00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:26,920 I think a man whose wife is possessed by the devil needs a bit of a hand. 459 00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:30,360 What's your name, Jeffrey? 460 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:32,200 Yes, his name's Doncaster. 461 00:25:33,140 --> 00:25:34,200 Doncaster? Yes. 462 00:25:34,540 --> 00:25:37,520 Do you think it's a bit silly to name a teddy after a station you were once sick 463 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:38,520 in? 464 00:25:39,060 --> 00:25:41,600 Oh, this is very nice. 465 00:25:42,770 --> 00:25:43,770 Human. 466 00:25:44,710 --> 00:25:46,230 Hello, Doncaster. 467 00:25:47,630 --> 00:25:50,170 Welcome to Bayview. 468 00:25:50,450 --> 00:25:54,170 He says, thank you, Jane. He's sure he'll be very happy here. 469 00:25:57,950 --> 00:25:59,370 Well, well, well. 470 00:26:00,470 --> 00:26:04,550 You, er... You don't think we're witnessing the start of something really 471 00:26:04,550 --> 00:26:05,670 grotesque, do you? 472 00:26:07,370 --> 00:26:08,630 Geoffrey's a married man. 473 00:26:09,030 --> 00:26:12,930 So? People who aren't married don't indulge in funny business. 474 00:26:13,310 --> 00:26:14,930 Oh. Oh, I see. 475 00:26:19,570 --> 00:26:20,570 Tom? 476 00:26:21,190 --> 00:26:22,190 Yes? 477 00:26:22,630 --> 00:26:23,950 Do you fancy a matinee? 478 00:26:24,550 --> 00:26:25,550 What, cinema? 479 00:26:25,670 --> 00:26:26,890 No, not cinema. 480 00:26:27,770 --> 00:26:29,390 Oh, I see. 481 00:26:30,630 --> 00:26:34,450 I see what you mean, yes. A bit of the old rumpy -pumpy ooh -la -la. 482 00:26:35,650 --> 00:26:37,030 Second thoughts, forget it. 483 00:26:37,230 --> 00:26:38,230 Why? 484 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:39,840 Well, we're not married, are we? 485 00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:41,400 Unmarried people don't do it, do they? 486 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:43,200 Oh, I see. 487 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,060 You're making a point. 488 00:26:46,020 --> 00:26:49,360 Jane and Geoffrey, eh? Yes, exactly. Anything's possible, even for that half 489 00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:50,360 -wit son of yours. 490 00:26:50,420 --> 00:26:51,420 Do you mind? 491 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:53,540 He is of the tribe of Ballard. 492 00:26:53,820 --> 00:26:59,320 We have been famous sex machines since Roman times. In fact, I think we ought 493 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:00,320 have a little matinee. 494 00:27:02,220 --> 00:27:03,740 The wind's in the right direction. 495 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:05,200 There's a full moon. 496 00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:08,220 And I've had enough vitamins to get me round the Grand National. 497 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:10,760 I also had a nasty operation. 498 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,320 For heaven's sake, calm down. 499 00:27:12,940 --> 00:27:15,460 I don't want you dropping to bits in my bed, thank you. 500 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:17,640 Right. 501 00:27:17,940 --> 00:27:19,100 So, what do we do? 502 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:21,700 Oh, I don't know. 503 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:26,240 That's the trouble with being old. 504 00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:30,480 Take away the sex and there's nothing else to do. 505 00:27:32,100 --> 00:27:35,960 There's a new man in the library. Doesn't know us. We could go down and 506 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:36,960 the campaign. 507 00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:38,280 Good idea. 508 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:39,600 Come on. 509 00:27:40,180 --> 00:27:41,960 I'll get Geoffrey to drive us down. 510 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:43,320 What shall we do? 511 00:27:43,580 --> 00:27:44,940 Mad blind man. 512 00:27:45,380 --> 00:27:46,380 What variations? 513 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:48,420 Thinks he's in the swimming pool? 514 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:50,960 Yeah. Wants to know where to take off all his clothes. 515 00:27:52,300 --> 00:27:54,440 I'll borrow Betty Josie's white stick. 516 00:27:54,780 --> 00:27:57,380 And I'll ring the dog woman. She's got a new rottweiler. 517 00:28:00,380 --> 00:28:03,800 We'll feed it with sherbet and it'll froth up the mouth. 518 00:28:04,060 --> 00:28:05,060 Really? 519 00:28:06,250 --> 00:28:06,929 I love it. 520 00:28:06,930 --> 00:28:10,650 We'll teach them not to put in wheelchair ramps. We certainly will.