Original subtitles

Hump ball.

Do what?

I've been to the hump ball with the posh people, Jane.

What's that on your face?

Oh, my God, it's lipstick.

You've been attacked.

Just get off, Jane.

I never intend to wash this spot again.

It must have been a woman.

Number of items.

One.

Description.

I'll send you one of those.

Daft catalogues again?

Well, they're not daft.

As soon as you see some of the things in here, you can't think how you've

managed to get by without them before.

So what essentials are you ordering this time?

A light bulb that lasts for ten years.

What for?

Well, maybe if I wire myself up to it, I might last for ten years as well.

Come on, then.

What else are you ordering?

A desktop document shredder. Of course.

How on earth did we survive to our great age without a desktop document

shredder? Precisely. And a thing for removing unwanted hair from your nose

and from your ears.

And your custard.

And finally, a quality crafted toilet seat with wicker inlay. To

create interesting patterns in strange places.

Or for the golfer who has everything.

A device to stamp his initials on his balls.

That should make his putter stand up.

Diana.

Oh, Diana.

Oh, Jane.

Oh, Diana.

Oh, Jane. Oh, Diana. Oh, get on with it.

It's happened.

What happened? It wasn't me.

Harvey. Harvey's happened?

Well, Harvey happened about 40 years ago.

And a black day for mankind it was, too.

A woman.

Harvey's a woman, a damned ugly one.

Harvey's been with a woman.

Been what?

Pretty useless, I expect.

Come on, get on with it, Jane.

Harvey's been out all night.

Came home in a dishevelled date with red stuff on his collar.

Probably spent the night in a ditch with a fox.

It was lipstick.

He has been led astray.

Ah, I was led astray once.

Myrna Lloyd jumped out at me from behind some bushes. Oh, Tom, this is serious.

This is my life and hopes we're talking about here.

Harvey is mine, all mine.

And I want all of him.

Even his piggy little eyes?

And his bob brush haircut?

Some people find him very attractive.

Yes, and I expect they love their guide dogs as well.

What am I going to do?

Have him shot.

for volunteers.

Anyone want to volunteer for shooting Harvey Baines? Yes, sir. Please, sir.

me, me. I'll do it, sir. I'll do it. Shut up, Tom.

Now, Jane, just relax.

I'm sure that if Harvey has come home with lipstick on his collar, it is only

because wherever he was last night, there was a power cut. And in the

some poor girl who was drunk, deranged, and had lost her sense of smell bumped

into him.

Do you really think so? Yes.

Why else would anyone allow their mouth anywhere near that oily little lizard?

I'd better be off.

Harvey wants me to scrub the driveway.

See you later.

Who would want to kiss Harvey Bings?

Yeah? Hide, hide.

Lucy, Lucy, it's me.

Me too, I think.

Which me are you?

Nigel. Which Nigel?

Harvey Nigel Baines.

He's your fiancé.

Which fiancé?

Last night, remember?

The old hump ball?

Underneath the table, by the band?

Oh, yeah.

The waiter.

I was not the waiter!

No, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, no. I didn't mean to shout.

Come on, we had a lovely evening.

And we got engaged.

Great.

Always get engaged to hunt bulls. Look, I was wondering if you'd like to come

over to my place. There's someone I'd like you to meet.

Look, Garcon, Manuel, or whatever your name is.

Great evening, but really, you know, I... I'm extraordinarily wealthy.

I mean...

I'd love to come over to your place.

Who have I got to meet?

Oh, it's a secret.

You'll see.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Bye -bye, darling.

Oh, God, Harvey.

You are a severely clever person.

Look.

Stand up straight, I'm telling you.

You?

Mr. Kwok.

No, Miss Sheffield. This is supposed to be a welcoming party, not the night of

the long nights.

What's going on?

He says there's a very important visitor arriving.

Look! This must be her.

It's probably the Queen's mum. I knew she'd track me down eventually.

Harvey wouldn't say.

Then again, it could be Catherine the Great.

Mind you, old Catherine, they're pushing 270 by now.

I bet it's some titled old nag from the Shires. What we are witnessing is yet

another bout of Harvey's vomiter social climbing.

No.

She's on the blood royal. It takes one to know one.

Would you mind straightening me up, Jane?

I'll come round here and you push up against me.

Jane!

She reminds me of one of those pigs that snuffle for truffles.

Royal manners.

Royal fiddlesticks? No, no, no, no. They all eat like that. Oh, yes, Queen's

always up to her elbows in the trough.

No, no, I don't mean our royalty. Foreign royalty.

Bet she's Russian.

Used to ripping wolves to bits.

Must pay my respects.

Uh -uh, look out.

Schwarzenegger's moving in.

Hi, babe.

I expect you've heard of me, Basil Magpies.

They call me the Bournemouth Stallion.

And as such, I have the first crack at every filly that comes into the yard.

But first, I'd like you to know the rules of engagement before you start

stamping your hoof on the cobbles.

First, I like to be in bed by ten.

Otherwise, I go home. Then I like to have Thursday afternoons off for a

Sit and stay.

If you don't stop harrapping the female residents, I'll take you down to the vet

and I'll have you done.

Everybody, everybody listen.

This lady is only going to be with us for a few days, so there's no need for

of you to feel you need to get to know her.

All right.

Jolly good.

Hello, hello, hello, rust melon rat.

Obviously royalty incognito.

Get over there, Tom.

No, my cork mangles are a bit rusty.

Oh, I don't think she'd notice.

Get over there.

Very well.

Bonjour, madame.

Je veux me présenter.

Je suis Tom de la Ballade. Noble courtier. A votre service.

Dodo.

Ah, Princess Dodo. Of the court of St. Petersburg, I presume.

Call.

I ain't been to any bleeding court, and I don't take kindly to no poxy Nancy

saying that I have.

Harvey! What's the matter with all you tossers?

First I get some leg -over artist trying to jump me.

Now I've got this old git accusing me of taking part in some kind of criminal

activities. It's a diabolical liberty.

And you lot stop staring at all.

Tuck up a bunch of old fart.

Yes, yes, Mrs Sutherland.

Now, do sit down. It's just a mistake.

Old Tom here's a bit senile.

No, I'm not.

Please, no.

Petersburg Court. I only ever been in Bow Street Court, and that was a set

Now, now, Mrs Sutherland.

What's the matter with you?

What's all this Mrs Sutherland stuff? All right, all right. Esme, then.

Esme? Mrs Sutherland?

What's wrong with playing... No, no, no, please.

last dugout. Oh, good!

I'll have more fun at piss -ups in malls.

What's this muck?

Call this sweet?

Let me get in that kitchen. I'll show them.

Come on out, she -men, I'll show you what's what it is.

Oh, his mum.

Good heavens.

Real flesh and blood.

And we always thought he was Roger Rabbit's brother.

What do you suppose she's doing here?

I don't...

Find out and then we will exploit, humiliate on the thigh.

Righto, number one.

Joan.

Yes, Harvey?

You're touching me.

Oh, sorry, Harvey.

How could she do this to me?

Do what, Harvey?

She... Promise me she would remain incognito, would not reveal to anyone

unnatural link.

Unnatural?

But she's your mother, Harvey.

I know, I know, but you didn't have to tell everyone.

How can I be considered a man of substance, a man of authority, a man

self -respect with a mother like that?

What's wrong with her? What's wrong with her? What do you think's wrong with

her? She's terribly, terribly, terribly common.

Oh, Harvey, how can you say such a thing?

you into the world.

You sprang from her noise.

I did no such thing.

You cannot deny your mother, Holmes. Oh, yes, I can. I have been doing so for

years. Even when she picked me up from kindergarten, I pretended she was a

Don't you love her?

Oh, I don't know.

She scrubbed floors to send me to a decent school, and then went and ruined

all by turning up legless on speech day.

In the chapel, she broke wind with such vehemence that half the choir passed

out. Oh, dear.

What's she doing here?

She's on her way to Australia to go and live with my sister. Wants to see me

settle down with a good woman first.

That's why you were so obsessed with finding a wife. It's one of the reasons.

So I'm going to have her meet my fiancé, and then she can push off and frighten

the Aussies.

Meet you what?

Well, my fiancé.

Didn't I tell you? I got engaged at the hump ball.

Who?

Who what? Who what?

Your fiancée.

Oh, it's a lovely girl called... What's her name?

It's here somewhere.

You don't even remember her name? Oh, you know me, Jane. Face is fine. Name,

forget it.

Yeah, here it is. Lucy Maitland.

She's quite nice, really. I found her face down in the punch bowl.

Jane? Jane!

Come on now.

Find the queen.

There she is.

Now. Where is she?

I think I'll have a fiver on

that one.

Oh, well done!

And a fiver for the gent with the gun in his pocket.

Come on, place your bets, place your bets.

I can't kid you lot, can I?

Oh, let's have a look.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

The three. I was lucky.

It must be my lucky day.

Come on, come on, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll let you all have another

and you can win your money back. Come on, you're going to risk it, are you?

come on, it's all tax -free, you know.

Come on, get your money out of my box.

You wouldn't.

I would.

OK, folks, that's it for today.

Basil.

It's only a game.

Very skilled you are, too. If we were in Oxford Street, I would applaud your

enterprise. But not here.

Life has finished policing this lot.

And so have you.

And if I called your bluff and told you to take a jump?

was in Korea, a six -foot -six Yankee sergeant didn't accept one of my polite

suggestions. I believe he still has a funny walk and double vision.

Harvey said you was a cow.

He was right.

How about a noggin?

How about two?

Have another glass.

And you, ducks.

Cheers.

Cheers.

I don't know how you stand it.

I'd go doolally tap here.

You wouldn't be alone.

Extreme doolality is one of the entry qualifications.

I mean, I'm glad the countryside and the trees exist.

What's named the air or whatever.

But you wouldn't catch me living beyond the end of a tube line.

Nice walks.

Lovely views.

Lot of cows to talk to.

No, it's so stiff and starchy.

All through lunch, I had a terrible desire to stand up and yell, bum!

And then follow it up with a display of the same.

You are right. Oh, this is the Valhalla of tedium.

The excitement train don't stop here anymore.

Mind you, we are the way of the future.

We are the natural extension of the middle -class suburb. One day, there

a bay view at the end of every acacia avenue.

Well, you wouldn't cop me in one of them. Well, sometimes we don't get the

chance to choose where we end up.

We just find ourselves there, all passion bent.

Yeah, well.

Before I fall off my perch, I'm going to Australia.

Oh. See me daughter.

She's a confidence trickster, you know.

Runs in the family.

Yeah.

Except for Harvey. He don't have the brains.

Tell me something, Esme.

If Harvey was your first child... Yeah.

And presumably you'd taken a good look at him.

Yeah.

How could you have risked having another?

He's had different fathers.

Oh?

Don't you tell Harvey that. I never got around to it.

Bit late now, ain't it?

Still, I done everything I could for him.

And who was Harvey's father?

An American -Italian.

Very nice class of gangster.

Hence the American name, Harvey.

And the necessity for him to shave his forehead three times a day.

Do you enjoy being such an old bitch?

It's my hobby.

I've just got to meet his fiancée in the morning, then he's off me hands.

Me duty complete.

Did you say fiancée?

Yeah. Quite posh, apparently.

Here, Harvey wanted me to make out I'd lost me voice.

He's always such a little jerk.

Are you all right?

Will you excuse me, Esme?

I think I know someone who might be about to come apart at the seams.

Here you are.

Sit you down.

I'll get some brandy.

Anyone home?

You should have left me to drown.

Oh, you wouldn't drown yourself, Jamie.

I was trying.

No, you were not.

There's a bloody great lake over the hill.

If you'd been serious, you'd have tried this. instead of launching yourself face

downward into the nearest puddle.

All right, I'll go to the lake then. No, you won't.

You'll sit down and you will sip this very slowly.

We forgot.

She doesn't drink. No wonder she's such a mess.

Oh, dear, my life is over.

No, it isn't, Janey. Come on now, Jane.

Now.

Where did Harvey find this fiancée? At a hunt ball.

But what sort of woman would actually want to get engaged to Harvey?

I want to have a look at her.

Tall and slim, with fine bones and a winter tan.

Oh, my God!

When does the fiancée meet the mother?

Tomorrow. Why?

Well, just supposing she doesn't meet the mother.

You can't shoot at me. I'm getting rather fond of her.

No, Diana.

We have to intercept the fiancé. Come chance. If she's already got engaged to

the little creep, she must be pretty desperate.

What we have to do is to get the mother to frighten off the fiancé. But the

mother wants to get rid of the son. She's not going to badmouth him.

But you would. What?

You would.

Jane, meet Esme Sutherland, Harvey's ghastly old mum.

Brilliant, Tom.

And I'll be his daft old daddy.

Bandits. What?

10 o 'clock high.

Bandits coming out of the sun.

Go left, Ginger.

Dive. Dive.

Shut up.

If we're going to make this work, we've got to do it in the here and now, not

during the bloody Battle of Britain.

Why don't we go?

Has Jane got Harvey out of the way yet? Up the back meadow. She told him she

thought he was the sight of a Roman mint.

He's digging it up with his bare hands.

Hello? Here comes someone I don't know.

Action stations.

Sounds like Harvey's sort of person.

What, Ho? Are you up the drive?

Looks like it.

Couldn't give us a lift, could you? We are just visiting our son here.

Oh. OK, hop in. Oh, thank you very much.

Oh. Oh, this is most kind.

I am Diana Baines and this is Tom Baines. Baines?

The lad in Harvey Baines? Yes, he's our dear little son.

Well, I'm Lucy Maitland, his fiancée. You I've come to meet.

Well, what a coincidence.

His father was dead.

He's such a joker.

So, how long have you known our dear little boy?

Oh, not long. Bit of a whirlwind romance.

Hardly remember what he looked like.

And have you actually had a conversation with him in the cold and sober light of

day? Almost.

And he's still on?

Yes. He's a healthy chap, not a bad looker. And he does own this lovely

have a history of mental instability in your family?

Oh, really?

Let me assure you, Mr. and Mrs. Baines... Oh, no, no, no. No. Call us

Daddy.

The name Baines tends to stick in the throat.

Let me assure you that your son will be marrying a woman who's in fine health

both mentally and physically.

You're foreign, aren't you?

What? And your work permit has run out.

And the police have asked you, and that's why you want to marry an

My bad. And he's been living in this area since the Norman conquest, 1066.

900 years without a work permit.

I know all about you Normans. Coming over here and taking jobs from hard

-working Anglo -Saxons. Oh, why couldn't he have met a healthy Essex girl?

Oh, shame and ruin on our families.

Are you all right?

Not for a second.

But not to worry.

It's just that the Baines family has just a tiny kink in the old genetic

Oh, hello, Jamie.

Hello, Mr and Mrs Baines.

And who is your lovely, petite, blue -eyed, perfect, bigot friend?

With the beautiful teeth and the wonderful complexion. This is Lucy

illegal immigrant.

She's going to marry our little Harvey Poose. You little dog!

Slap, Jane! Tea!

Tea for bloody three!

Harvey would like you to take Janey on as your personal maid once you are wed.

Johnny! Now, I expect you'd like to know more about Harvey when he was a little

boy. Oh, yeah.

Loved to.

He was a dear little thing.

Potty training was a bit of a problem.

But since he reached 35, he can go for weeks without his little rubber sheet.

And, of course, what with his gambling debts, there isn't much money for the

luxuries. Like food and clothes and powder anointment for his athlete's

Oh, it's words.

Well, that's what they call it on the feet.

I don't know what he calls it when it spreads all over the rest of his body.

Have your parents got a big house by any chance?

Why? Well, at the moment, we're looking after Harvey's children.

Children? Yes, three.

Or four, Mumsy. Five, Daddy?

He can't keep his trousers on for more than ten minutes.

You see, we thought we could all move into your Mummy and Daddy's house

and be one big happy family.

Oh, God.

Oh, Daddy, wouldn't it be fun?

Oh, yes, Mumsy. I think I have to go now.

So nice to meet you.

You haven't had your tea. I don't want any tea.

How about some cake?

I haven't the time.

Oh, take it with you then.

Lucy!

Lucy!

Fiance, to meet Mum.

Get off, Jane!

Mummy, I'd like you to meet my... My fiancée.

Jane Edwards.

Welcome to the family, dearie.

Come on, Harvey.

Kiss Jane.

For the family album you wanted to show your grandchildren.

Come on, dearie.

Give your fiancée a kiss.

And now, Janie, I'd like to give you this.

Ooh, very nice rock.

That's Grandma's ring.

Her engagement ring. Put it on, Harvey.

I don't fit.

On Janie's finger, Harvey.

But it's mine.

Put it on or I'll clip you round the ear, Harvey.

I know, Harvey.

From now on, I'll be touching you all the time.

Give me that ring back. It's mine.

Besides, it won't come off. Look, it's stuck quite firm.

OK, get me a hacksaw.

We have it all on film.

What? A couple of photos.

And on tape.

You're my affiant, Harvey.

Look, if you think for one moment that I, Harvey Baines... You know about

Breacher Promise?

What? You have plighted your truth.

You try getting out of it now and Jane will sue you for every penny you've got

and every penny you're ever likely to have, won't you, Jane?

Well, Harvey, there are forces at work that will do what's right for you,

whether you like it or not.

I'm afraid I'd skin you alive.

For your own good, of course.

I'm just going for a walk in the lake.