1 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:06,040 Hump ball. 2 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:07,680 Do what? 3 00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:10,800 I've been to the hump ball with the posh people, Jane. 4 00:01:11,180 --> 00:01:12,320 What's that on your face? 5 00:01:12,660 --> 00:01:14,380 Oh, my God, it's lipstick. 6 00:01:15,020 --> 00:01:16,020 You've been attacked. 7 00:01:17,460 --> 00:01:19,660 Just get off, Jane. 8 00:01:20,060 --> 00:01:22,440 I never intend to wash this spot again. 9 00:01:23,700 --> 00:01:25,300 It must have been a woman. 10 00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:28,640 Number of items. 11 00:01:28,980 --> 00:01:29,980 One. 12 00:01:30,540 --> 00:01:31,540 Description. 13 00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:33,780 I'll send you one of those. 14 00:01:34,140 --> 00:01:35,440 Daft catalogues again? 15 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:36,680 Well, they're not daft. 16 00:01:36,740 --> 00:01:40,160 As soon as you see some of the things in here, you can't think how you've 17 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:41,460 managed to get by without them before. 18 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,200 So what essentials are you ordering this time? 19 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,680 A light bulb that lasts for ten years. 20 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:50,560 What for? 21 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:54,560 Well, maybe if I wire myself up to it, I might last for ten years as well. 22 00:01:55,220 --> 00:01:56,179 Come on, then. 23 00:01:56,180 --> 00:01:57,480 What else are you ordering? 24 00:01:57,780 --> 00:02:01,680 A desktop document shredder. Of course. 25 00:02:02,090 --> 00:02:05,810 How on earth did we survive to our great age without a desktop document 26 00:02:05,810 --> 00:02:12,810 shredder? Precisely. And a thing for removing unwanted hair from your nose 27 00:02:12,810 --> 00:02:13,890 and from your ears. 28 00:02:15,150 --> 00:02:16,270 And your custard. 29 00:02:17,010 --> 00:02:23,810 And finally, a quality crafted toilet seat with wicker inlay. To 30 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,790 create interesting patterns in strange places. 31 00:02:26,710 --> 00:02:29,230 Or for the golfer who has everything. 32 00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:32,230 A device to stamp his initials on his balls. 33 00:02:35,290 --> 00:02:37,390 That should make his putter stand up. 34 00:02:38,710 --> 00:02:39,710 Diana. 35 00:02:40,270 --> 00:02:41,270 Oh, Diana. 36 00:02:41,710 --> 00:02:42,609 Oh, Jane. 37 00:02:42,610 --> 00:02:43,329 Oh, Diana. 38 00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:45,470 Oh, Jane. Oh, Diana. Oh, get on with it. 39 00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:46,750 It's happened. 40 00:02:47,130 --> 00:02:48,490 What happened? It wasn't me. 41 00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:51,130 Harvey. Harvey's happened? 42 00:02:51,350 --> 00:02:53,170 Well, Harvey happened about 40 years ago. 43 00:02:53,450 --> 00:02:55,770 And a black day for mankind it was, too. 44 00:02:56,150 --> 00:02:57,150 A woman. 45 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,320 Harvey's a woman, a damned ugly one. 46 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,140 Harvey's been with a woman. 47 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:03,480 Been what? 48 00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:04,820 Pretty useless, I expect. 49 00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:07,720 Come on, get on with it, Jane. 50 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,060 Harvey's been out all night. 51 00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:15,780 Came home in a dishevelled date with red stuff on his collar. 52 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,000 Probably spent the night in a ditch with a fox. 53 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:19,880 It was lipstick. 54 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:22,960 He has been led astray. 55 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,180 Ah, I was led astray once. 56 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:31,180 Myrna Lloyd jumped out at me from behind some bushes. Oh, Tom, this is serious. 57 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:35,100 This is my life and hopes we're talking about here. 58 00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:38,180 Harvey is mine, all mine. 59 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:40,500 And I want all of him. 60 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,300 Even his piggy little eyes? 61 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,060 And his bob brush haircut? 62 00:03:45,620 --> 00:03:48,080 Some people find him very attractive. 63 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,440 Yes, and I expect they love their guide dogs as well. 64 00:03:52,380 --> 00:03:54,100 What am I going to do? 65 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:55,820 Have him shot. 66 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:57,418 for volunteers. 67 00:03:57,420 --> 00:04:01,120 Anyone want to volunteer for shooting Harvey Baines? Yes, sir. Please, sir. 68 00:04:01,220 --> 00:04:03,900 me, me. I'll do it, sir. I'll do it. Shut up, Tom. 69 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,440 Now, Jane, just relax. 70 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:11,260 I'm sure that if Harvey has come home with lipstick on his collar, it is only 71 00:04:11,260 --> 00:04:14,840 because wherever he was last night, there was a power cut. And in the 72 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,740 some poor girl who was drunk, deranged, and had lost her sense of smell bumped 73 00:04:18,740 --> 00:04:19,419 into him. 74 00:04:19,420 --> 00:04:21,140 Do you really think so? Yes. 75 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,540 Why else would anyone allow their mouth anywhere near that oily little lizard? 76 00:04:26,940 --> 00:04:28,040 I'd better be off. 77 00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:30,760 Harvey wants me to scrub the driveway. 78 00:04:31,380 --> 00:04:32,380 See you later. 79 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,460 Who would want to kiss Harvey Bings? 80 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:47,900 Yeah? Hide, hide. 81 00:04:48,780 --> 00:04:50,020 Lucy, Lucy, it's me. 82 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,080 Me too, I think. 83 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:53,700 Which me are you? 84 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,800 Nigel. Which Nigel? 85 00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,000 Harvey Nigel Baines. 86 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:00,780 He's your fiancé. 87 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,540 Which fiancé? 88 00:05:06,460 --> 00:05:07,720 Last night, remember? 89 00:05:08,020 --> 00:05:09,080 The old hump ball? 90 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,320 Underneath the table, by the band? 91 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:12,800 Oh, yeah. 92 00:05:13,340 --> 00:05:14,420 The waiter. 93 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,120 I was not the waiter! 94 00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:20,920 No, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, no. I didn't mean to shout. 95 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,480 Come on, we had a lovely evening. 96 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,020 And we got engaged. 97 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:26,320 Great. 98 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:31,080 Always get engaged to hunt bulls. Look, I was wondering if you'd like to come 99 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,760 over to my place. There's someone I'd like you to meet. 100 00:05:33,980 --> 00:05:37,200 Look, Garcon, Manuel, or whatever your name is. 101 00:05:37,780 --> 00:05:43,120 Great evening, but really, you know, I... I'm extraordinarily wealthy. 102 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:44,960 I mean... 103 00:05:45,390 --> 00:05:47,150 I'd love to come over to your place. 104 00:05:47,950 --> 00:05:49,270 Who have I got to meet? 105 00:05:49,590 --> 00:05:50,590 Oh, it's a secret. 106 00:05:51,090 --> 00:05:52,090 You'll see. 107 00:05:52,710 --> 00:05:53,710 I'll call you tomorrow. 108 00:05:54,430 --> 00:05:55,510 Bye -bye, darling. 109 00:05:58,770 --> 00:06:00,310 Oh, God, Harvey. 110 00:06:01,030 --> 00:06:03,190 You are a severely clever person. 111 00:06:06,610 --> 00:06:07,610 Look. 112 00:06:07,890 --> 00:06:09,470 Stand up straight, I'm telling you. 113 00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:11,170 You? 114 00:06:13,810 --> 00:06:14,810 Mr. Kwok. 115 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:19,520 No, Miss Sheffield. This is supposed to be a welcoming party, not the night of 116 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:20,520 the long nights. 117 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:26,560 What's going on? 118 00:06:26,860 --> 00:06:29,740 He says there's a very important visitor arriving. 119 00:06:30,340 --> 00:06:32,460 Look! This must be her. 120 00:06:33,020 --> 00:06:36,500 It's probably the Queen's mum. I knew she'd track me down eventually. 121 00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:37,840 Harvey wouldn't say. 122 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,100 Then again, it could be Catherine the Great. 123 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,380 Mind you, old Catherine, they're pushing 270 by now. 124 00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:59,240 I bet it's some titled old nag from the Shires. What we are witnessing is yet 125 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:02,120 another bout of Harvey's vomiter social climbing. 126 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:06,160 No. 127 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,380 She's on the blood royal. It takes one to know one. 128 00:07:15,370 --> 00:07:17,830 Would you mind straightening me up, Jane? 129 00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:24,850 I'll come round here and you push up against me. 130 00:07:25,210 --> 00:07:26,210 Jane! 131 00:07:36,730 --> 00:07:40,470 She reminds me of one of those pigs that snuffle for truffles. 132 00:07:41,610 --> 00:07:42,730 Royal manners. 133 00:07:43,340 --> 00:07:47,900 Royal fiddlesticks? No, no, no, no. They all eat like that. Oh, yes, Queen's 134 00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:49,360 always up to her elbows in the trough. 135 00:07:49,820 --> 00:07:52,220 No, no, I don't mean our royalty. Foreign royalty. 136 00:07:52,580 --> 00:07:53,660 Bet she's Russian. 137 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,760 Used to ripping wolves to bits. 138 00:07:56,540 --> 00:07:58,300 Must pay my respects. 139 00:07:58,700 --> 00:07:59,700 Uh -uh, look out. 140 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:00,960 Schwarzenegger's moving in. 141 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:03,400 Hi, babe. 142 00:08:05,220 --> 00:08:07,880 I expect you've heard of me, Basil Magpies. 143 00:08:08,180 --> 00:08:11,100 They call me the Bournemouth Stallion. 144 00:08:12,140 --> 00:08:16,720 And as such, I have the first crack at every filly that comes into the yard. 145 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:22,260 But first, I'd like you to know the rules of engagement before you start 146 00:08:22,260 --> 00:08:24,180 stamping your hoof on the cobbles. 147 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,760 First, I like to be in bed by ten. 148 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:33,860 Otherwise, I go home. Then I like to have Thursday afternoons off for a 149 00:08:34,679 --> 00:08:36,600 Sit and stay. 150 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:40,700 If you don't stop harrapping the female residents, I'll take you down to the vet 151 00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:41,700 and I'll have you done. 152 00:08:44,010 --> 00:08:45,610 Everybody, everybody listen. 153 00:08:46,950 --> 00:08:52,110 This lady is only going to be with us for a few days, so there's no need for 154 00:08:52,110 --> 00:08:54,090 of you to feel you need to get to know her. 155 00:08:54,990 --> 00:08:55,990 All right. 156 00:08:56,990 --> 00:08:57,990 Jolly good. 157 00:08:59,150 --> 00:09:02,110 Hello, hello, hello, rust melon rat. 158 00:09:03,090 --> 00:09:06,030 Obviously royalty incognito. 159 00:09:06,650 --> 00:09:07,870 Get over there, Tom. 160 00:09:08,110 --> 00:09:10,290 No, my cork mangles are a bit rusty. 161 00:09:11,340 --> 00:09:13,460 Oh, I don't think she'd notice. 162 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:14,960 Get over there. 163 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:16,180 Very well. 164 00:09:20,620 --> 00:09:21,860 Bonjour, madame. 165 00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:23,480 Je veux me présenter. 166 00:09:23,860 --> 00:09:28,120 Je suis Tom de la Ballade. Noble courtier. A votre service. 167 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:30,280 Dodo. 168 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:36,940 Ah, Princess Dodo. Of the court of St. Petersburg, I presume. 169 00:09:37,460 --> 00:09:38,460 Call. 170 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:44,020 I ain't been to any bleeding court, and I don't take kindly to no poxy Nancy 171 00:09:44,020 --> 00:09:45,200 saying that I have. 172 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:48,520 Harvey! What's the matter with all you tossers? 173 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,860 First I get some leg -over artist trying to jump me. 174 00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:57,880 Now I've got this old git accusing me of taking part in some kind of criminal 175 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,300 activities. It's a diabolical liberty. 176 00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:03,860 And you lot stop staring at all. 177 00:10:04,380 --> 00:10:05,980 Tuck up a bunch of old fart. 178 00:10:07,660 --> 00:10:09,380 Yes, yes, Mrs Sutherland. 179 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,100 Now, do sit down. It's just a mistake. 180 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:13,400 Old Tom here's a bit senile. 181 00:10:13,660 --> 00:10:14,660 No, I'm not. 182 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:15,720 Please, no. 183 00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:20,820 Petersburg Court. I only ever been in Bow Street Court, and that was a set 184 00:10:20,940 --> 00:10:22,140 Now, now, Mrs Sutherland. 185 00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:23,580 What's the matter with you? 186 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:27,520 What's all this Mrs Sutherland stuff? All right, all right. Esme, then. 187 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,980 Esme? Mrs Sutherland? 188 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,000 What's wrong with playing... No, no, no, please. 189 00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:51,340 last dugout. Oh, good! 190 00:10:51,620 --> 00:10:54,040 I'll have more fun at piss -ups in malls. 191 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:56,960 What's this muck? 192 00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:58,780 Call this sweet? 193 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:01,620 Let me get in that kitchen. I'll show them. 194 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,400 Come on out, she -men, I'll show you what's what it is. 195 00:11:06,580 --> 00:11:07,700 Oh, his mum. 196 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:09,800 Good heavens. 197 00:11:11,180 --> 00:11:12,680 Real flesh and blood. 198 00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:15,080 And we always thought he was Roger Rabbit's brother. 199 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,260 What do you suppose she's doing here? 200 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:19,480 I don't... 201 00:11:20,170 --> 00:11:23,790 Find out and then we will exploit, humiliate on the thigh. 202 00:11:24,770 --> 00:11:25,770 Righto, number one. 203 00:11:33,230 --> 00:11:34,230 Joan. 204 00:11:38,150 --> 00:11:39,270 Yes, Harvey? 205 00:11:39,510 --> 00:11:40,670 You're touching me. 206 00:11:41,070 --> 00:11:42,070 Oh, sorry, Harvey. 207 00:11:42,990 --> 00:11:44,750 How could she do this to me? 208 00:11:45,090 --> 00:11:46,230 Do what, Harvey? 209 00:11:46,470 --> 00:11:50,860 She... Promise me she would remain incognito, would not reveal to anyone 210 00:11:50,860 --> 00:11:51,940 unnatural link. 211 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:53,720 Unnatural? 212 00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:55,900 But she's your mother, Harvey. 213 00:11:56,220 --> 00:11:58,280 I know, I know, but you didn't have to tell everyone. 214 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:03,660 How can I be considered a man of substance, a man of authority, a man 215 00:12:03,660 --> 00:12:05,480 self -respect with a mother like that? 216 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,840 What's wrong with her? What's wrong with her? What do you think's wrong with 217 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:11,160 her? She's terribly, terribly, terribly common. 218 00:12:12,420 --> 00:12:15,180 Oh, Harvey, how can you say such a thing? 219 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:17,840 you into the world. 220 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,520 You sprang from her noise. 221 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:22,980 I did no such thing. 222 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:28,180 You cannot deny your mother, Holmes. Oh, yes, I can. I have been doing so for 223 00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:31,780 years. Even when she picked me up from kindergarten, I pretended she was a 224 00:12:32,780 --> 00:12:33,780 Don't you love her? 225 00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:35,020 Oh, I don't know. 226 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:39,280 She scrubbed floors to send me to a decent school, and then went and ruined 227 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,100 all by turning up legless on speech day. 228 00:12:42,140 --> 00:12:45,720 In the chapel, she broke wind with such vehemence that half the choir passed 229 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:46,820 out. Oh, dear. 230 00:12:47,460 --> 00:12:48,460 What's she doing here? 231 00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:52,120 She's on her way to Australia to go and live with my sister. Wants to see me 232 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:53,780 settle down with a good woman first. 233 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,980 That's why you were so obsessed with finding a wife. It's one of the reasons. 234 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:02,640 So I'm going to have her meet my fiancé, and then she can push off and frighten 235 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:03,379 the Aussies. 236 00:13:03,380 --> 00:13:04,380 Meet you what? 237 00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:05,500 Well, my fiancé. 238 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:08,340 Didn't I tell you? I got engaged at the hump ball. 239 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:10,160 Who? 240 00:13:10,780 --> 00:13:12,070 Who what? Who what? 241 00:13:12,330 --> 00:13:13,330 Your fiancée. 242 00:13:13,690 --> 00:13:16,950 Oh, it's a lovely girl called... What's her name? 243 00:13:17,290 --> 00:13:18,310 It's here somewhere. 244 00:13:18,650 --> 00:13:23,590 You don't even remember her name? Oh, you know me, Jane. Face is fine. Name, 245 00:13:23,590 --> 00:13:24,590 forget it. 246 00:13:24,630 --> 00:13:26,390 Yeah, here it is. Lucy Maitland. 247 00:13:26,610 --> 00:13:29,770 She's quite nice, really. I found her face down in the punch bowl. 248 00:13:30,690 --> 00:13:32,190 Jane? Jane! 249 00:13:32,990 --> 00:13:33,990 Come on now. 250 00:13:34,270 --> 00:13:35,270 Find the queen. 251 00:13:37,110 --> 00:13:38,210 There she is. 252 00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:41,850 Now. Where is she? 253 00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:50,430 I think I'll have a fiver on 254 00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:51,890 that one. 255 00:13:52,170 --> 00:13:56,010 Oh, well done! 256 00:13:57,710 --> 00:14:00,930 And a fiver for the gent with the gun in his pocket. 257 00:14:03,750 --> 00:14:09,690 Come on, place your bets, place your bets. 258 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,960 I can't kid you lot, can I? 259 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:15,900 Oh, let's have a look. 260 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,360 Oh, dear, oh, dear. 261 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,880 The three. I was lucky. 262 00:14:21,380 --> 00:14:23,060 It must be my lucky day. 263 00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:27,620 Come on, come on, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll let you all have another 264 00:14:27,620 --> 00:14:31,320 and you can win your money back. Come on, you're going to risk it, are you? 265 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,300 come on, it's all tax -free, you know. 266 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,680 Come on, get your money out of my box. 267 00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:41,580 You wouldn't. 268 00:14:42,670 --> 00:14:43,670 I would. 269 00:14:45,410 --> 00:14:47,450 OK, folks, that's it for today. 270 00:14:47,870 --> 00:14:48,870 Basil. 271 00:14:52,170 --> 00:14:58,010 It's only a game. 272 00:14:58,270 --> 00:15:01,590 Very skilled you are, too. If we were in Oxford Street, I would applaud your 273 00:15:01,590 --> 00:15:03,090 enterprise. But not here. 274 00:15:03,590 --> 00:15:05,630 Life has finished policing this lot. 275 00:15:06,090 --> 00:15:07,090 And so have you. 276 00:15:07,470 --> 00:15:10,270 And if I called your bluff and told you to take a jump? 277 00:15:12,190 --> 00:15:16,250 was in Korea, a six -foot -six Yankee sergeant didn't accept one of my polite 278 00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:19,350 suggestions. I believe he still has a funny walk and double vision. 279 00:15:24,110 --> 00:15:25,570 Harvey said you was a cow. 280 00:15:25,810 --> 00:15:26,810 He was right. 281 00:15:29,570 --> 00:15:30,810 How about a noggin? 282 00:15:31,770 --> 00:15:32,770 How about two? 283 00:15:34,870 --> 00:15:35,950 Have another glass. 284 00:15:41,230 --> 00:15:42,230 And you, ducks. 285 00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:44,710 Cheers. 286 00:15:48,370 --> 00:15:49,370 Cheers. 287 00:15:53,470 --> 00:15:55,370 I don't know how you stand it. 288 00:15:55,850 --> 00:15:57,510 I'd go doolally tap here. 289 00:15:57,950 --> 00:15:58,970 You wouldn't be alone. 290 00:15:59,330 --> 00:16:01,650 Extreme doolality is one of the entry qualifications. 291 00:16:02,210 --> 00:16:05,890 I mean, I'm glad the countryside and the trees exist. 292 00:16:06,750 --> 00:16:08,550 What's named the air or whatever. 293 00:16:09,290 --> 00:16:11,830 But you wouldn't catch me living beyond the end of a tube line. 294 00:16:12,210 --> 00:16:13,210 Nice walks. 295 00:16:13,510 --> 00:16:14,510 Lovely views. 296 00:16:14,970 --> 00:16:16,230 Lot of cows to talk to. 297 00:16:19,410 --> 00:16:22,030 No, it's so stiff and starchy. 298 00:16:22,830 --> 00:16:26,970 All through lunch, I had a terrible desire to stand up and yell, bum! 299 00:16:28,270 --> 00:16:30,950 And then follow it up with a display of the same. 300 00:16:32,570 --> 00:16:37,050 You are right. Oh, this is the Valhalla of tedium. 301 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,780 The excitement train don't stop here anymore. 302 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,980 Mind you, we are the way of the future. 303 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:50,240 We are the natural extension of the middle -class suburb. One day, there 304 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,120 a bay view at the end of every acacia avenue. 305 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:57,320 Well, you wouldn't cop me in one of them. Well, sometimes we don't get the 306 00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,140 chance to choose where we end up. 307 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:04,700 We just find ourselves there, all passion bent. 308 00:17:05,599 --> 00:17:06,800 Yeah, well. 309 00:17:07,589 --> 00:17:11,609 Before I fall off my perch, I'm going to Australia. 310 00:17:11,890 --> 00:17:12,950 Oh. See me daughter. 311 00:17:13,710 --> 00:17:15,730 She's a confidence trickster, you know. 312 00:17:16,609 --> 00:17:17,609 Runs in the family. 313 00:17:17,730 --> 00:17:18,730 Yeah. 314 00:17:19,010 --> 00:17:21,369 Except for Harvey. He don't have the brains. 315 00:17:23,170 --> 00:17:24,650 Tell me something, Esme. 316 00:17:26,030 --> 00:17:28,950 If Harvey was your first child... Yeah. 317 00:17:29,390 --> 00:17:31,330 And presumably you'd taken a good look at him. 318 00:17:32,150 --> 00:17:33,150 Yeah. 319 00:17:33,550 --> 00:17:35,810 How could you have risked having another? 320 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:48,540 He's had different fathers. 321 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:49,880 Oh? 322 00:17:50,180 --> 00:17:52,840 Don't you tell Harvey that. I never got around to it. 323 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:54,380 Bit late now, ain't it? 324 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,860 Still, I done everything I could for him. 325 00:17:58,060 --> 00:17:59,520 And who was Harvey's father? 326 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,200 An American -Italian. 327 00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:04,160 Very nice class of gangster. 328 00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:07,940 Hence the American name, Harvey. 329 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,520 And the necessity for him to shave his forehead three times a day. 330 00:18:12,540 --> 00:18:14,400 Do you enjoy being such an old bitch? 331 00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:15,940 It's my hobby. 332 00:18:16,540 --> 00:18:21,100 I've just got to meet his fiancée in the morning, then he's off me hands. 333 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:22,320 Me duty complete. 334 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:23,800 Did you say fiancée? 335 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:26,660 Yeah. Quite posh, apparently. 336 00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:30,000 Here, Harvey wanted me to make out I'd lost me voice. 337 00:18:32,580 --> 00:18:34,280 He's always such a little jerk. 338 00:18:36,220 --> 00:18:37,380 Are you all right? 339 00:18:38,420 --> 00:18:39,940 Will you excuse me, Esme? 340 00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:43,960 I think I know someone who might be about to come apart at the seams. 341 00:18:46,650 --> 00:18:47,730 Here you are. 342 00:18:48,190 --> 00:18:49,250 Sit you down. 343 00:18:49,690 --> 00:18:51,210 I'll get some brandy. 344 00:18:55,530 --> 00:18:56,610 Anyone home? 345 00:18:57,590 --> 00:18:59,610 You should have left me to drown. 346 00:19:00,310 --> 00:19:02,590 Oh, you wouldn't drown yourself, Jamie. 347 00:19:03,030 --> 00:19:04,030 I was trying. 348 00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:05,370 No, you were not. 349 00:19:05,630 --> 00:19:07,530 There's a bloody great lake over the hill. 350 00:19:08,830 --> 00:19:12,770 If you'd been serious, you'd have tried this. instead of launching yourself face 351 00:19:12,770 --> 00:19:14,230 downward into the nearest puddle. 352 00:19:15,290 --> 00:19:18,190 All right, I'll go to the lake then. No, you won't. 353 00:19:18,430 --> 00:19:21,950 You'll sit down and you will sip this very slowly. 354 00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:29,750 We forgot. 355 00:19:29,770 --> 00:19:31,870 She doesn't drink. No wonder she's such a mess. 356 00:19:32,270 --> 00:19:34,810 Oh, dear, my life is over. 357 00:19:35,230 --> 00:19:38,330 No, it isn't, Janey. Come on now, Jane. 358 00:19:38,890 --> 00:19:39,890 Now. 359 00:19:40,970 --> 00:19:44,990 Where did Harvey find this fiancée? At a hunt ball. 360 00:19:45,290 --> 00:19:48,890 But what sort of woman would actually want to get engaged to Harvey? 361 00:19:49,270 --> 00:19:50,770 I want to have a look at her. 362 00:19:51,270 --> 00:19:55,650 Tall and slim, with fine bones and a winter tan. 363 00:19:56,110 --> 00:19:57,110 Oh, my God! 364 00:19:57,150 --> 00:19:59,910 When does the fiancée meet the mother? 365 00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:01,650 Tomorrow. Why? 366 00:20:02,030 --> 00:20:03,690 Well, just supposing she doesn't meet the mother. 367 00:20:03,930 --> 00:20:06,470 You can't shoot at me. I'm getting rather fond of her. 368 00:20:06,810 --> 00:20:07,810 No, Diana. 369 00:20:08,030 --> 00:20:12,330 We have to intercept the fiancé. Come chance. If she's already got engaged to 370 00:20:12,330 --> 00:20:13,990 the little creep, she must be pretty desperate. 371 00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:20,150 What we have to do is to get the mother to frighten off the fiancé. But the 372 00:20:20,150 --> 00:20:24,630 mother wants to get rid of the son. She's not going to badmouth him. 373 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:26,310 But you would. What? 374 00:20:26,750 --> 00:20:27,790 You would. 375 00:20:28,130 --> 00:20:33,490 Jane, meet Esme Sutherland, Harvey's ghastly old mum. 376 00:20:33,770 --> 00:20:34,749 Brilliant, Tom. 377 00:20:34,750 --> 00:20:36,390 And I'll be his daft old daddy. 378 00:20:40,530 --> 00:20:41,530 Bandits. What? 379 00:20:42,010 --> 00:20:43,130 10 o 'clock high. 380 00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:45,490 Bandits coming out of the sun. 381 00:20:48,610 --> 00:20:49,870 Go left, Ginger. 382 00:20:50,590 --> 00:20:51,910 Dive. Dive. 383 00:20:52,970 --> 00:20:54,490 Shut up. 384 00:20:54,890 --> 00:20:57,570 If we're going to make this work, we've got to do it in the here and now, not 385 00:20:57,570 --> 00:20:59,310 during the bloody Battle of Britain. 386 00:20:59,710 --> 00:21:00,790 Why don't we go? 387 00:21:02,350 --> 00:21:06,690 Has Jane got Harvey out of the way yet? Up the back meadow. She told him she 388 00:21:06,690 --> 00:21:08,230 thought he was the sight of a Roman mint. 389 00:21:08,750 --> 00:21:10,490 He's digging it up with his bare hands. 390 00:21:11,250 --> 00:21:12,930 Hello? Here comes someone I don't know. 391 00:21:13,130 --> 00:21:14,130 Action stations. 392 00:21:20,230 --> 00:21:22,210 Sounds like Harvey's sort of person. 393 00:21:29,810 --> 00:21:31,870 What, Ho? Are you up the drive? 394 00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:33,250 Looks like it. 395 00:21:33,430 --> 00:21:37,370 Couldn't give us a lift, could you? We are just visiting our son here. 396 00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:41,140 Oh. OK, hop in. Oh, thank you very much. 397 00:21:43,420 --> 00:21:46,720 Oh. Oh, this is most kind. 398 00:21:47,460 --> 00:21:50,740 I am Diana Baines and this is Tom Baines. Baines? 399 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:54,440 The lad in Harvey Baines? Yes, he's our dear little son. 400 00:21:54,840 --> 00:22:00,160 Well, I'm Lucy Maitland, his fiancée. You I've come to meet. 401 00:22:00,580 --> 00:22:01,960 Well, what a coincidence. 402 00:22:07,950 --> 00:22:08,950 His father was dead. 403 00:22:09,910 --> 00:22:11,370 He's such a joker. 404 00:22:13,170 --> 00:22:16,230 So, how long have you known our dear little boy? 405 00:22:16,510 --> 00:22:19,050 Oh, not long. Bit of a whirlwind romance. 406 00:22:19,670 --> 00:22:21,350 Hardly remember what he looked like. 407 00:22:22,030 --> 00:22:26,490 And have you actually had a conversation with him in the cold and sober light of 408 00:22:26,490 --> 00:22:27,730 day? Almost. 409 00:22:29,430 --> 00:22:30,630 And he's still on? 410 00:22:30,930 --> 00:22:35,470 Yes. He's a healthy chap, not a bad looker. And he does own this lovely 411 00:22:39,660 --> 00:22:41,760 have a history of mental instability in your family? 412 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:43,400 Oh, really? 413 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:48,000 Let me assure you, Mr. and Mrs. Baines... Oh, no, no, no. No. Call us 414 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,000 Daddy. 415 00:22:49,740 --> 00:22:52,420 The name Baines tends to stick in the throat. 416 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,960 Let me assure you that your son will be marrying a woman who's in fine health 417 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,120 both mentally and physically. 418 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:00,820 You're foreign, aren't you? 419 00:23:01,020 --> 00:23:03,660 What? And your work permit has run out. 420 00:23:04,020 --> 00:23:07,120 And the police have asked you, and that's why you want to marry an 421 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:11,940 My bad. And he's been living in this area since the Norman conquest, 1066. 422 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:15,320 900 years without a work permit. 423 00:23:17,300 --> 00:23:23,280 I know all about you Normans. Coming over here and taking jobs from hard 424 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:29,500 -working Anglo -Saxons. Oh, why couldn't he have met a healthy Essex girl? 425 00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:34,340 Oh, shame and ruin on our families. 426 00:23:35,690 --> 00:23:36,449 Are you all right? 427 00:23:36,450 --> 00:23:37,570 Not for a second. 428 00:23:38,410 --> 00:23:39,510 But not to worry. 429 00:23:39,870 --> 00:23:44,850 It's just that the Baines family has just a tiny kink in the old genetic 430 00:23:45,670 --> 00:23:47,050 Oh, hello, Jamie. 431 00:23:47,510 --> 00:23:49,870 Hello, Mr and Mrs Baines. 432 00:23:50,070 --> 00:23:54,930 And who is your lovely, petite, blue -eyed, perfect, bigot friend? 433 00:23:55,810 --> 00:24:01,450 With the beautiful teeth and the wonderful complexion. This is Lucy 434 00:24:01,630 --> 00:24:02,630 illegal immigrant. 435 00:24:03,100 --> 00:24:06,360 She's going to marry our little Harvey Poose. You little dog! 436 00:24:09,420 --> 00:24:10,660 Slap, Jane! Tea! 437 00:24:13,180 --> 00:24:14,600 Tea for bloody three! 438 00:24:16,140 --> 00:24:20,500 Harvey would like you to take Janey on as your personal maid once you are wed. 439 00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:27,140 Johnny! Now, I expect you'd like to know more about Harvey when he was a little 440 00:24:27,140 --> 00:24:28,360 boy. Oh, yeah. 441 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:29,759 Loved to. 442 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,700 He was a dear little thing. 443 00:24:32,010 --> 00:24:33,990 Potty training was a bit of a problem. 444 00:24:34,270 --> 00:24:37,910 But since he reached 35, he can go for weeks without his little rubber sheet. 445 00:24:40,130 --> 00:24:44,890 And, of course, what with his gambling debts, there isn't much money for the 446 00:24:44,890 --> 00:24:49,910 luxuries. Like food and clothes and powder anointment for his athlete's 447 00:24:50,190 --> 00:24:51,190 Oh, it's words. 448 00:24:51,550 --> 00:24:53,090 Well, that's what they call it on the feet. 449 00:24:53,610 --> 00:24:56,930 I don't know what he calls it when it spreads all over the rest of his body. 450 00:24:58,190 --> 00:25:01,490 Have your parents got a big house by any chance? 451 00:25:01,930 --> 00:25:04,610 Why? Well, at the moment, we're looking after Harvey's children. 452 00:25:05,290 --> 00:25:07,110 Children? Yes, three. 453 00:25:07,550 --> 00:25:09,890 Or four, Mumsy. Five, Daddy? 454 00:25:10,550 --> 00:25:13,390 He can't keep his trousers on for more than ten minutes. 455 00:25:14,410 --> 00:25:18,350 You see, we thought we could all move into your Mummy and Daddy's house 456 00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:20,310 and be one big happy family. 457 00:25:20,570 --> 00:25:21,570 Oh, God. 458 00:25:21,790 --> 00:25:23,450 Oh, Daddy, wouldn't it be fun? 459 00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:25,770 Oh, yes, Mumsy. I think I have to go now. 460 00:25:25,990 --> 00:25:27,310 So nice to meet you. 461 00:25:29,580 --> 00:25:31,520 You haven't had your tea. I don't want any tea. 462 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:33,220 How about some cake? 463 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:34,440 I haven't the time. 464 00:25:34,620 --> 00:25:35,880 Oh, take it with you then. 465 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:39,840 Lucy! 466 00:25:45,220 --> 00:25:46,220 Lucy! 467 00:26:07,210 --> 00:26:08,310 Fiance, to meet Mum. 468 00:26:10,850 --> 00:26:12,350 Get off, Jane! 469 00:26:15,770 --> 00:26:21,130 Mummy, I'd like you to meet my... My fiancée. 470 00:26:21,950 --> 00:26:22,950 Jane Edwards. 471 00:26:23,910 --> 00:26:26,150 Welcome to the family, dearie. 472 00:26:27,570 --> 00:26:28,590 Come on, Harvey. 473 00:26:28,790 --> 00:26:29,790 Kiss Jane. 474 00:26:31,390 --> 00:26:34,230 For the family album you wanted to show your grandchildren. 475 00:26:34,530 --> 00:26:35,610 Come on, dearie. 476 00:26:36,030 --> 00:26:37,370 Give your fiancée a kiss. 477 00:26:44,850 --> 00:26:48,370 And now, Janie, I'd like to give you this. 478 00:26:48,630 --> 00:26:50,150 Ooh, very nice rock. 479 00:26:50,570 --> 00:26:52,190 That's Grandma's ring. 480 00:26:52,470 --> 00:26:55,010 Her engagement ring. Put it on, Harvey. 481 00:26:58,050 --> 00:26:59,050 I don't fit. 482 00:26:59,310 --> 00:27:01,390 On Janie's finger, Harvey. 483 00:27:01,890 --> 00:27:02,890 But it's mine. 484 00:27:03,190 --> 00:27:05,230 Put it on or I'll clip you round the ear, Harvey. 485 00:27:30,670 --> 00:27:31,670 I know, Harvey. 486 00:27:31,850 --> 00:27:34,170 From now on, I'll be touching you all the time. 487 00:27:34,870 --> 00:27:37,210 Give me that ring back. It's mine. 488 00:27:37,750 --> 00:27:40,470 Besides, it won't come off. Look, it's stuck quite firm. 489 00:27:40,810 --> 00:27:41,810 OK, get me a hacksaw. 490 00:27:42,030 --> 00:27:44,550 We have it all on film. 491 00:27:44,750 --> 00:27:46,470 What? A couple of photos. 492 00:27:47,690 --> 00:27:48,770 And on tape. 493 00:27:49,670 --> 00:27:51,350 You're my affiant, Harvey. 494 00:27:51,930 --> 00:27:55,650 Look, if you think for one moment that I, Harvey Baines... You know about 495 00:27:55,650 --> 00:27:56,349 Breacher Promise? 496 00:27:56,350 --> 00:27:58,010 What? You have plighted your truth. 497 00:27:58,510 --> 00:28:01,230 You try getting out of it now and Jane will sue you for every penny you've got 498 00:28:01,230 --> 00:28:02,990 and every penny you're ever likely to have, won't you, Jane? 499 00:28:03,310 --> 00:28:07,610 Well, Harvey, there are forces at work that will do what's right for you, 500 00:28:07,650 --> 00:28:08,890 whether you like it or not. 501 00:28:09,610 --> 00:28:11,750 I'm afraid I'd skin you alive. 502 00:28:12,330 --> 00:28:13,950 For your own good, of course. 503 00:28:19,870 --> 00:28:21,410 I'm just going for a walk in the lake.