Original subtitles

Have you still got it in your hand?

Yes, I have.

Right.

Now twist the top.

Pull it out and give it a shake.

Right.

It's very long.

Wait a minute.

Where did you leave the solution?

Here it is.

No, that's not it.

Careful!

Ah, you idiot!

I did. Oh, I turned the light on. No.

You fool, not what you've done. You've ruined it.

Oh, I say.

Mr. White, there's smoke coming from your knees.

You'll do yourself some damage.

Now, what are you doing out of bed? I was going to bring you up a cup of tea.

What is this doing in here?

Well, it was a bit chilly outside last night.

So I brought it indoors.

Now, sit down. I'll make you a cup of tea.

You brought the gate indoors?

Yes. After you'd gone to bed, I was going to repair it.

But then I didn't have a chance because Mr. Watkins wanted me to bury a cat

thorer.

Oh, not Sebastian.

She said he dropped dead just after watching the ten o 'clock news.

I was very fond of that cat, Frank.

Well, he was getting on a bit. He was 96.

96?

Well, 20 really, but 96 for a man.

My mother told me how to work it out. You multiply by five, add one for every

ten and take away 14.

I think it's... No, it's 12 for pigs.

He looked very well last night after I'd laid him out.

Miss Watkins said she'd never seen him looking so well.

It's a pity he was dead.

She looked very strange away, did she?

Yes, in the dark.

It was very awkward.

I didn't have any paraffin for me oil lamp.

My battery wasn't working. I couldn't see a thing.

And then we had a little service and she was a little upset afterwards.

So I stayed for a little chat.

Stupid things. I'll do it.

Yes, I told her all about the baby and my job.

She says I should be a chimney sweep again.

Well, I agree with her. Why don't you?

You know why.

I don't.

Dr. Smedley won't give me my brush back.

Well, as it was stuck up his chimney for six weeks, I expect he thinks he's

entitled to it. He had no right. He bought my entire career to a standstill.

Do you want some breakfast?

I've got a nice little sausage left.

Why don't you have it?

No, no. Oh, were you sick again this morning?

I was a bit bilious, yes.

I tried to get you a tonic from Dr. Smedley, but he wouldn't give me one.

No, well, he's a bachelor, isn't he? He doesn't understand what us expecting

fathers have to go through.

Will you hold the gate, please?

Are you going to the maternity hospital this morning?

What for?

for those that couldn't attend in the evening.

Well, you haven't been to one since they started, Frank.

I have. I went last week.

Well, you can hardly count that.

You didn't go in till five minutes before the end, and you spent four of

on the floor.

I didn't know they were going to show that film in Technicolor.

All those close -ups. I was two hours in shock.

Now, you have the handle with the cup.

going at the proper time because I was embarrassed, Betty.

I didn't know I'd have to go through all this.

It wasn't like this in my mother's day.

When I was a baby, I was very simple.

We all were.

I mean, the father did his bit and then you took the baby home and that was it.

It wasn't all this funny business in between. Look, Frank, couldn't you go to

one more father's class, please? I'm not going anymore seeing rude pictures,

Betty. Oh, Frank.

Sometimes I think you do these little things just to upset me.

I do not.

All this was about going to the hospital. I mean, you don't seem to want

anywhere. I take Mr. Wallace's children out every afternoon and you never come

with me. I'd only be in the way, wouldn't I?

No, you wouldn't. I mean, don't you understand? I want you to be with me

sometimes. I want... I want to feel that you care.

Betty, I do care. No, you don't.

You know I care.

I'd do everything for you.

Come on, then, I'll do anything you want.

Well, then, will you come with me this afternoon with the children?

I can't. I've got to put the gate up. The dogs are coming in doing things with

my dahlias.

We can drop in this morning and I can introduce you.

Now, with all the work... It'll be a very good experience for when you're a

parent, Frank.

Well, that's true.

After all, I don't want to be a virgin father, do I?

I won't have to push the pram, will I?

There isn't a pram. The youngest is seven.

You never told me that.

Well, I thought you knew. You said you wanted to meet older children.

Judy,

it's Aunty Betty.

Hello, Judy.

Your mummy's coming out this afternoon, isn't she?

Daddy's just getting her bag.

We've got some company today.

Uncle Frank's come to see us.

How do you do?

Hello. This is Alison.

How do you do?

Just smile at her, Frank.

Uncle Frank's brought you some presents, haven't

you? No.

You have? You've got them in your hand.

I've changed my mind.

So silly. They're waiting.

There's one for Judy and one for Alison. Uncle Frank bought them all himself.

I thought they were younger, I say. Well, we are going to have a nice time

afternoon. I thought that we could all go to the zoo.

And then I thought it'd be nice if we went and watched the roller skating.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

I suppose so.

What is it, Judy?

Is he coming too?

Of course he's... Uncle Frank is coming.

I told you it'd be much, much nicer. Now, I'm just going to go and speak to

daddy and then we'll all be off.

Oh, well, I'll come with you. No, no, you stay and talk to the children. Now,

don't be... Do you mind if I sit down?

That's my father's chair.

So he sits there.

Well, he's got a soldier's hat on.

He hasn't.

Alison, you are stupid sometimes.

I'm not.

Now, girls, don't be silly now. We want to be friendly.

No,

don't pull her hair like that.

Did I hear naughty words?

Let me get in there.

That was at my raincoat.

Don't go behind my back. I've got some trouble.

Auntie Betty's in the family way, isn't she?

Where did you hear that?

Talking like that in front of your father's chair.

And with such young ears that shouldn't be listening to things like that that

they didn't hear anyway.

What's happening to Auntie Betty?

Auntie Betty is awaiting a happy event.

The stork's going to bring her a little present.

Oh!

After she has her baby

Excuse

me

Are you one of us?

Charles.

How do you do?

I'm Frank.

Oh, fancy a drink, Frank?

Oh, do we have time?

Oh, I think so.

It's not far.

I've got a little place just round the corner.

Oh.

Don't you want to come to my little place?

Well, I wanted to go to that little place.

That place is much better.

Oh,

goodbye.

Fun man.

Good morning.

Morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Oh,

it's you.

Well, sit down, can't you? There's plenty of room.

Yes. Well, hello, Mr Spencer.

Do you know me?

It's Mr Hamilton.

We met at the Family Planning Centre.

Oh.

How did you get on?

I walked there, don't you remember?

Oh, yes. Well, I was only making inquiries. I didn't do anything about

it's nice to see you again, ma 'am.

Uh,

this is my wife, Lucy.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Oh, this is Sally.

Mm -hmm.

My sister.

Oh, nice.

I think we'll have to get another chair.

That's all right. You two sit over there. I'll sit here in the front with

Spencer. Come along, then. But, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know what I'll be

saying that long. There's no need to be nervous. It's just a talk. I'm not

nervous, madam. Come on.

Don't worry about this thing. I'll look after you. Ah, your wife came after all,

then, Mr. Spencer.

You're under a misapprehension. No need to worry, man. I do have a husband, you

know. Only he's abroad at the moment.

Yes, well, I'd just like to make things quite clear.

We don't want any gossip, do we?

National health and everything.

Dr Powell?

Yes?

You know that lady that's with me?

Yes.

She's not my wife.

I see.

No, she's someone's sister.

Her husband's abroad.

Well, of course, your private affairs are no concern of mine.

I just thought I'd like to make the position quite clear.

You should make the position very clear.

Good. Now people are told to go.

Now, this morning, I did want to talk briefly about the role of the husband

during labour.

However, our last meeting didn't go quite according to plan.

So, if anyone has thought of anything that they would like to ask me... Oh,

Yes?

On the film that was shown last week, Did I observe... Was that a Red Indian

baby?

Red Indian?

You saw the mother, didn't you?

I didn't see a lot of her face.

The baby was English, Mr Spencer.

It's just it was a bit of a funny colour. Gave me a bit of a shock.

Yes, this does surprise a lot of fathers. In fact, when it's born, a baby

an extraordinary colour. It can be very red.

Will my baby look like that?

Not if it's a girl.

That was a boy.

Oh.

I didn't notice that bit.

You didn't notice very much at all, did you?

Yes. I noticed that the baby had quite a lot of air. Well, I've been told that

this sometimes falls out afterwards.

My mother's dead.

Mine did too.

Well, I'm sure we're all very relieved to see that it's grown again.

Now, will you please stop calling out... Yes?

I'm worried about washing the baby's head in case I damage the soft spot.

Ah, well, the word soft is a little misleading.

Although there's no bone, the area is well protected and it's important to

the scalp clean. Actually, the baby has...

Two soft spots.

I'm sure Mr. Spencer knows where they are.

What?

Do you know where your soft spot is?

How do you mean?

When you were a baby, you had a soft spot, didn't you?

Oh,

it's very fun to trick a pudding.

Come out of the front.

Now, face the class.

Now, here is Mr.

Spencer's soft spot. There it is, centre of his head.

Now... Can anyone tell me where his other soft spot is? Inside his head.

Don't be silly.

One total stranger to another.

His other soft spot is round the back.

The back of his head.

Now, pitch down, Mr Spencer. Time's running short. I want to tell you about

taking your wife to hospital.

Oh, that reminds me.

Does the number 7 bus still stop outside the...

I should have thought that a car would be a little quicker under the

circumstances. Well, I haven't passed my test.

Doesn't your wife have a license?

She won't be with me.

Of course she will.

You look a little silly arriving in the maternity hospital on your own, don't

you?

This is the maternity hospital.

I'm here already.

I know you're here.

You've made it perfectly obvious that you're here. But when your baby is due,

you won't be here, will you? Unless, God forbid, you've taken a permanent

resident from the obstetrician's department.

I'm not talking about that. Then what are you talking about?

I'm talking about this morning.

I'm going to the bank.

Oh, God.

Yes. You want...

Number 16, Mr. Spencer. No, Harry, the number seven's quicker.

There's a number eight at 5 ,000. No, no, no.

Be quiet!

Be quiet!

The cat tore up me time tank.

What the devil are you trying to do?

Now, I'm going to the bank this morning, and then I'll go get ready for the zoo,

and then we'll go roller skating.

Look, I don't care where you're going.

I'm trying to give an important lecture. You've been nothing but a disturbance

ever since you came in. If I hear one more word about Buffy...

banks or zoos, I will have you removed.

Is that perfectly clear?

Yes. Then sit down.

I think I'll walk.

Now, if no one has anything else to say, I just want to get on to the father's

room. If, whilst I'm talking, you have any questions...

Intentional questions.

Put your hand up.

Right. Now, when the husband has taken the wife to hospital...

What is it now?

You said we could ask questions. Oh, good God, man, I haven't said anything

All I've said is you've taken your wife to hospital. What possible question

could you have to ask about that?

Isn't there something missing?

He's got something missing.

What? What is missing?

Contradictions.

I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about.

I think he means the contractions.

We did that last week, Mr Spencer. We should have done Mr Spencer last week.

Please sit down.

What you're telling me, they said that he's still standing up, individually

harassing me?

No one is harassing you. Now, you're going to both sit down. Look here, mate,

I've lost an hour's pay to come here. I don't hear the same thing twice. My

Harry came from work, too. Will you please stop talking, or you both sit

The contractions.

Very briefly, for Mr Spencer's benefit.

Your wife will have contractions, right? Yes. When these come every ten minutes,

you take her to hospital, right?

I will.

Now, when the husband has taken the wife to hospital... They have to be every

ten minutes. Look, I've just told you.

Well, what happens if they're every five minutes? Well, you'd know what to do,

wouldn't you?

Yes, I wait.

But then they come every ten minutes.

Ten minute ones come first. Oh, good God, I went over all this last week.

I didn't hear.

I didn't hear anything.

That's because you was on the floor, that's why.

You passed out.

Oh, no, because I was all with a twirl. I've never seen pictures of people's

private parts I never imagined before.

I've had a lot of worry. My wife's expecting a baby.

We're all expecting, man.

What do you think this is? A Christmas hoodie?

I think that's extremely vulgar. Don't! Keep standing up! You're supposed to

raise your hand!

Not now! When you've got something to say!

Sit down!

What's this?

She was rude.

You can't get a word in, can you?

Now, if...

The husband wants to stay with the wife during the actual birth.

I bet my husband won't stay with me.

No.

I will, darling.

Mr. Spencer.

That's my sister you're talking to. Right.

Well, I didn't mean her. I meant my wife. Oh, yes. I know what you meant.

What did I do?

I told you not to interrupt.

She was being lewd and wanted to ask a question. You didn't have your hand up.

Too late!

Too late.

Harass, harass, harass.

That's all I've had from you and all the other fellow victims.

I had a shoe.

You ruined my last class and you have ruined this one. In 20 years as a

you are the most provocative, exasperating little man I have ever met.

hadn't taken the Hippocratic Oath, I would like to wring your neck.

Don't move.

I'll get you a doctor.

Yes, I shall be home by 7 .30.

Yes, I can take you to the dance.

Oh, or you can pick me up here at the bank.

Come in.

Yes, all right, Angela.

Goodbye.

Ah, good morning.

Mr.

Spencer, isn't it? Yes.

I'm Mr. Dexter, the manager. Do sit down.

Oh, forgive me. I've just been talking to my youngest daughter. I've got four

them. Oh, nice.

I'm a family man myself.

Well, if you're going to start a family, money's very important.

Yes. Well, I haven't been very lucky with my investments lately.

Investments? Now, I might be able to help you there.

I'll just as soon check on myself, if you don't mind.

It gives me something to do.

Ah, I can see that you're a shrewd man.

It was nearly 50 ,000 pounds last year.

50 ,000 pounds? Well, well.

Well, that's incredible.

I was just one number out.

Premium bonds. That's your investment?

Yes.

Right, let's get down to business, shall we? Yes. Well, I hear that you lend

people money.

And I was wondering whether you could arrange a small loan for me.

Just a moment.

I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding. I told that you were a

I didn't realise you already had an account with us.

No, I don't.

But naturally, if you lent me the money, I would open an account, would you?

I'd lend you the money to open an account. If we did that, we'd have the

town in here. We had to be very careful who we lend money to.

In any case, we'd want you to put up some form of security.

How do you mean?

Well, for example, do you have a house?

Oh, yes, yes.

Do you know its value?

Not offhand, no.

But I could ask the landlord.

In any case... Before we could possibly open you an account, we should need the

name of two referees.

I don't know any referees.

People who could vouch for you, preferably professional men.

Oh, there's my doctor and Mr Webster, my psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist? You having treatment?

No, that was a long time ago.

I just went to him because I thought I was a failure.

What did he say?

He thought I was too.

Morning, Mr Spencer.

Do you want me to leave? So what's the general idea?

Well, that's not very fair. You don't know the first thing about me.

You've no money, no account, no house, no job. Your only source of income is

baby that hasn't been born. And your only reference, a medical man who says

you're a failure.

That doesn't tell you everything.

It tells me a hell of a lot.

But I've got to start somewhere. If I just had a little capital, I could

Mr Spencer, the interview is over. Will you please leave?

I know I'm only one of the little men.

But remember what they say.

Will you get out?

Even the tallest oak tree has to begin with a small nut.

You just think of me as a little nut.

Who's trying to grow.

Then go outside and grow in somebody else's bank.

children. But they don't talk to me.

Well, don't get depressed about it. I mean, you can't expect to get on with

everyone. I don't expect to get on with anyone.

Would you like some sweeties?

They haven't smiled once since we came out. Can't you make them laugh?

I'll try.

Well,

just keep an eye on them for a minute. I'll go and see if I can find some ice

cream.

And do stop grinning at Alison.

It frightens her.

They're monkeys.

They're funny, the monkeys, aren't they?

Well, I think they're funny.

clean yesterday.

Frank, he's doing something in it.

Stop that once. You dirty little devil.

I'll have to go and get it.

There he is. Your uncle's in it.

Oh, you have cheered up a lot, haven't you, baby?

You like him now,

don't you?

We didn't at first, but we didn't know he was so funny.