Original subtitles

crystal you wanted to see me there's some kind of emergency i spoke on a

this morning at a women in business breakfast oh god well okay we'll get in

touch with our pr people we'll shoot emails out to our lawyers and we'll call

the newspapers and remind them how much money you gave to the panda house

without reminding them what you did in the panda house with any luck no one

ever know what you said i said nothing oh god what did you do All the other

businesswomen on the panel answered questions about their dynamic jobs and

the important things they do with their days. I realized I had nothing to

contribute. Other than this meeting with you, I have absolutely nothing on my

schedule. Crystal, you're very important here. You may not involve yourself in

some of the little stuff, but you're like the queen.

Keep talking.

The Queen is very powerful.

Everyone loves her. She's the most important person in England, and all she

all day is raise corgis and drink gin.

I do like to cuddle with a bottle of gin.

See? Your schedule's filling up already.

Now, if there's nothing else, I've got to prepare for a leadership event today.

Leadership event?

Yes, the one I've been talking about for months, the all -star leadership tour,

a four -star general, a Hall of Fame basketball coach, and a corporate CEO,

on one stage talking about leadership.

They banter, they go deep, they give real life lessons.

And companies pay thousands of dollars for their employees to attend.

Sounds intriguing.

Tell me more.

There is no more. I just told you the whole thing.

Oh, now I remember.

They all have bestsellers. You gave me their books to read. Yes, I did.

Did you read them? I did. When I ran out of my sleepy juice, they really did the

job. Oh, remind me to cross the border tomorrow to get more sleepy juice.

Yes, my queen.

So, are you excited about our trip to Cabo? Are you kidding me? I've got my

bathing suit on underneath this. See?

Whoa!

Save it for Mexico, you crazy lovebirds.

No, she's got her bathing suit on under there.

That's nuts!

Because these pants, they're actually my pajamas.

Looks cozy, my man.

Okay, so you guys are all ready for your weekend getaway. Um, car's gonna come

in two hours, flight's on time, and... Oh, Alice, all you have is a quick

contract signing with beverage people.

And all I have to do is take a picture with this guy who won our Meet Alonzo

Pope halftime contest yesterday.

Wow, we're gonna get some better contests.

What? No, no.

I brought some welcome gifts for the leaders when they arrive.

They're not from another planet, Roman.

I just, I don't fully understand what's happening.

It's not that complicated. Three of the most powerful, charismatic leaders in

their fields crisscrossing the country for the last three months.

Fighting crime.

Imparting their wisdom about leadership.

Oh, I am really excited.

These are really impressive men. Are those pajama bottoms?

Yeah, but you can't tell.

Gentlemen, Ben Donovan.

It is an incredible honor to have all of you here. The honor's all mine.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I'm pulling your short hair, son.

I couldn't want to be here less, and I slept on the frozen dirt in Bosnia.

Well, I once went to Coachella and wore shorts at night, so, you know, I know

where you're coming from.

Next time, if you want a stupid red sweater, talk to Coach Billy.

Apparently, that's all he owns.

That's my trademark.

I'm a simple man who knows how to win.

A simple man who spent two hours straddling a jacuzzi jet at the hotel

night. Yeah, I saw you. Yeah, it was pretty weird that you were looking. I

like you. I don't like you. I hate these guys.

Well, looks like we'll have a very pleasant afternoon in the green room.

If you'll follow me, we'll get you all settled.

Okay. I will get on the phone with our idiot booker and find out what we're

dealing with. In the meantime, just stay with them. And if one of them goes to

hit the other one, just step in front of it. Okay.

But I need your help, too.

There's some SPF 45 sunscreen in my top left drawer. Make sure Alice doesn't get

on that plane without it. I'm not going to do that.

Okay.

Heather, can you get me Andy at American Promotions?

You got it, boss.

That's right.

Crystal Cohen.

Get used to talking to me because I will be joining Ben Donovan in the day -to

-day operations of this arena.

I could have told you she was here.

But the look on your face is just so priceless.

Thanks. You're a fun kid.

Mr.

Sunshine Day.

No, no. I said two.

Pastrami sandwiches, a diet cola, and your biggest pickle.

Great. We'll be in touch.

What are you doing?

Ordering deli.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want a black and white cookie?

No. I mean, yes, but in the larger sense.

What are you doing?

Oh, well, I thought about being queen, and at the end of the day, it just

seemed, I don't know, a little old Europe.

I want to do something with my days, Benjamin. I want to contribute.

Let's roll up our sleeves. Let's get our hands dirty. Let's make a difference in

this crazy town called the world.

Can we make a difference in this crazy town called the world tomorrow? I'm a

little jammed up today. That's perfect. I can help you. I need to feel useful. I

want to do some real work.

Cohen Donovan.

Oh, we're like an 80s cop show.

Ben, we have a fire to put out in the green room.

Well, what is it?

Let's do this. Oh, no, no, no, no.

If something happened, I couldn't risk losing us both. We're Cohen and Donovan.

Ben, I want to be part of this. And I want you to be part of it, too. But what

really need is for you to be part of whatever Alice is doing.

It's vital.

Alice, Crystal is joining your meeting.

What? It's vital. Thanks, partner.

Let's do this.

Let's do business things.

Hey, how are you doing?

I'm Crystal Cohen. I own this place. Everything you see is mine.

What the hell? What the hell?

Ben, thank God. What do I do? What do I do? The fire extinguisher. Right, right.

Any more bright ideas, boss?

Honestly, what is the matter with you?

What happened?

And where are the other leaders?

Coach Billy didn't like the smoke from my cigar, and General Tompkins was a

little put out. It came from Cuba.

And it didn't bother you that you were sitting two feet away from a fire that

you started?

The boy in the pajamas seemed to have it under control.

Okay, as we discussed, five years of exclusive use of your products with

appropriate signage throughout the arena. So if everything is to your

we'll just need a couple of signatures.

Everything seems to be in order.

Does it?

Let's take a closer look.

No, no, Crystal, this deal is already worked out.

We're all happy. We're on a beach in Mexico.

That's an expression.

It means I'm happy.

Now, I'm not saying you're trying to steal from us, though this one looks

he, in a different time and place, used the term, keeps the car running.

But you've got to admit, there is a lot of legal mumbo -jumbo here.

Our lawyers drew up these contracts.

Oh, then it should all be fine. It's been a pleasure. Work is fun.

You know, Mr. Cohen made me a little uneasy.

Would you go over these contracts with me one more time?

Well, I just talked to the booker, and apparently these guys are maniacs.

They're on the last leg of their tour, and they're ready to kill each other.

It's like Metallica all over again. That band was so rude.

Yeah, well, they misunderstood.

So, no, I'm the bad guy.

Anyway, let's just not do anything to set them off. If we get them anything,

just make sure it's equal.

Are you done with that?

Almost. Great, thanks.

Okay, so they'll all speak for the exact same amount of time, the order of which

will be determined by a coin flip, and the chairs will be exactly the same.

There's no mama bear.

What the hell does that mean?

You know, not too hard, not too soft.

What is that from?

It's a literary reference to a children's book.

Why would you think I would know that?

Ooh.

We're coming back to this.

That was awesome.

General, what are you doing?

You can't shoot in here. It's a public building.

I'm not sure that's a law, but you can't smoke in here, so you probably can't

shoot in here. Benjamin?

Oh, my God, that's all I need.

Roman, please do not supply the general with any more cans of orange soda.

Boy, the things you find yourself saying.

Crystal, how are you? Let's walk and talk, but let's walk and talk this way.

I've had the most productive morning. I set Alice on the right course with her

negotiations, and I had time to do some of what I do best, deals.

Oh, God.

Oh, and scrunch that forehead, partner. You know that odd little building across

the street?

The church? Well, they have always had a bug up their butt about expanding and

acquiring our north parking lot. I initiated negotiations to sell it to

a very handsome price.

Well, we need the north parking lot so people can, you know, park.

They can take the choo -choo.

Choo -choo? You know what I really want to do? I want to help with the event

today. How's that going? What can I do? You know, I think I've got everything

handled down here for tonight. But why don't we talk about it upstairs?

Did you hear that? Hear what? Yeah.

Alonzo, you've got to take Crystal off my hands.

Ben, I would love to help, but I got that guy coming for the photo op, and

Alice and I are going to Mexico.

She already has her bathing suit on.

Yeah, I know. She showed me. She showed everyone.

Yeah? She's not a shy girl.

Can you just take Crystal for a half an hour so I can figure out something else

for her to do?

She's got this thing today where she wants to feel valued.

Fine. Maybe she can help me take the picture.

Great.

So, what are you two going to do in Mexico?

Yeah, I'm going to go.

Okay, one more.

Ah, Crystal, I think we got it. Okay, this time...

No smiles.

Quiet intensity.

Hopeful, but scared.

Alonzo, give me a sense of effervescence. Don't show it to me. I

hidden effervescence. Okay, let's do this, people.

No, no, no. Guys, it's getting sloppy. Come on.

Pull it together.

Russell, Junior. Crystal, really, I don't want to hold these good people up.

you kidding?

It's not every day you get a chance to hang out with Alonzo Post.

It's been a thrill for me, too, guys.

What are you talking about? It doesn't have to end. Take them to lunch. What?

No. I mean, I'd love to, but I have a thing, so maybe some other time.

Lunch with Alonzo Pope?

Doesn't seem like he wants to, son.

Okay, maybe for just a quick bite. Or a long one.

Go!

Enjoy your meal with an NBA hero!

I missed the shot.

Sunshine Center.

Yeah, I don't know who that is.

I know you took it.

Tell me where my sweater is.

What stupid red sweater?

See, I told you they're fighting and they're in the gun somewhere in this

I'm not going on stage without my red sweater.

Oh, no. Who's going to impart the homespun wisdom that a cornfield is like

team? It's a metaphor for working together. It makes no sense. Corn

together. I want my sweater.

You know, I have this thing upstairs.

It's a cable knit with a belt. I think it would look really smart on you.

Really?

Sounds nice.

Well, it is nice. Does that sweater smell like turd, too? Because they won't

wear it unless it smells like turd. I will see what I can do.

I'm going to see what I can do.

Please, let's go to Cabo right now.

I can't. Ben made me babysit Crystal, and now I'm going to be here all day and

night. Are you kidding me?

Ben didn't want Crystal to screw up anything for him, so now we can't go on

trip?

Crystal, have you seen Ben? Why?

Did he ask you to babysit me, too? I'm not allowed to babysit in the state of

California. I need to find him. The fire inspector's here. The fire inspector?

I reported the fire.

I thought it was just in a trash can.

If people are going to report me, I'm going to report them.

Do you know how excited I was about this trip? Look, I'm wearing my bathing suit

right now. Yeah, I know. You showed it to me. You showed it to everyone else,

too. It's a weird thing to do, by the way. You're weird. That's good.

Look, this was my anniversary, and you ruined it. And I wonder if you didn't do

it on purpose.

Once? I would never do something like that.

Would you do something like that to me?

No. Well, then I am going to stop making this face.

Pull her right back. Yeah, I think you should.

Look, I'm sorry that I ruined your vacation, but I've got a million dollars

ticket sales riding on whether Coach Billy likes this weird belted sweater

I'm fairly sure is for a husky woman.

You're a husky woman. What is the matter with you?

Heather, do you know where Crystal is? She's still with Alonzo, right? She

me not to tell you what she's doing or who she's with.

Okay, let's make a deal. You tell me where Crystal is, and remember how much

you've always wanted to sketch me?

Don't say it unless you mean it.

I mean it.

Crystal's with the fire inspector.

Oh, my God. Do you know what a tight ass that guy is?

See you tonight.

Bring two outfits.

One sporty, one sophisticated.

And not that.

Oh, this is not mine. I would never. I would never. Not in this color.

Well, there's no damage. The alarm and the sprinklers are still intact, and you

seem to be in full compliance with fire and safety calls.

Why does everything you say sound dirty, Jeff?

But we do have a problem.

You missed your last inspection.

Got to the chase, fireman. What's it going to take?

I hope you're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting.

You do realize I can shut you down?

You do realize I'm the most powerful woman in San Diego, right?

I had two mayors elected and a third impeached, and I can tell you all their

faults, politically and sexually.

Jeff, how's it going?

Is she hazing you? She does that to all the big shots that come through the

arena. Last year was the Dalai Lama.

She lifted up his skirt, tickled his belly. He really seemed to enjoy it.

Benjamin, I have this.

I appreciate how serious this is.

Is there any way you can give us a one -week extension? We'll cooperate fully.

Would that work for you?

One week. Oh, Jeff, you're the best.

That's a great tie, by the way. Is it a clip -on?

Is there a website or a fireman's catalog? He's gone.

Well, way to tag -team it, partner.

Donovan and Cohen, huh?

Or Cohen and Donovan.

I don't know. It just doesn't feel right.

No, it looks really good.

Falls nicely on your hips.

Really? Well, that is my trouble spot.

Hey, everybody, it's almost showtime.

I need my coach, I need my general, I need my CEO.

I am ready to go.

My sweater, where'd you get that?

Easy, Coach Billy. Take the 30 grand you're making tonight and buy yourself a

new one. Wait a minute, you're making 30?

I'm making 25.

25? I'm getting 10 and a ride to the airport.

You're getting a ride to the airport?

Uh -oh.

crystal can i talk to you i could have handled it he was going to shut us down

can you stop doing that it relaxes me you made a fool of me today and not just

in front of the fire inspector all day long you pawned me off and pretended to

give me jobs i came to you asking to do something real to be part of what you do

and this is how you treat me crystal i'm sorry my hands were full today it's one

event we have like 50 events a year. 300, but go on. At that breakfast

this morning, I felt like I had nothing to contribute.

But those people were strangers.

And now I find out you feel the same way.

That is not true. I do not feel that way. And yet I feel exactly that way.

would never tell you that. And yet I did just tell you that. Can you please turn

that off?

Almost done.

Oh, here, read this.

Something I want you to think about.

The event is starting in five minutes. Read it.

I don't have a lot of experience, but I promise I'll never let you down. That's

very nice, but this is not on -the -job training.

That was my application letter.

Okay. Everybody panic. The event's in trouble.

Oh, I'm a clown. I'm a clown?

You want to make this messy? Let's make this messy. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Leaders,

leaders. Let's all calm down.

Gentlemen, distinguished and very scary gentlemen, I know we have our issues,

but please listen to me.

This is our owner.

Crystal Cohen, and I am confident that she can resolve our problems in a fair

and equitable way for everyone.

I won't let you down.

Please don't let me down. Please don't let me down.

Gentlemen, you three make me sick.

All -star leadership event, my ass.

They should call this the all -star crybaby event.

Dixie Chicks tomorrow, Dixie Chicks tomorrow. In fact, why don't we just

this whole event right now?

Fine with me. I don't need it. Neither do I. None of us do. I do. But you know

who does?

Me. They do.

Those poor rudderless lambs out there, they don't know where they're going.

Don't deprive them of your leadership.

Don't deprive them of your amazing life stories. Now, I've read all of your

books.

Michael, your description of a lonely boy growing up in a small...

Farm in Iowa. Well, you hooked this reader on page one.

Jen, your acknowledgement page alone taught me more about leadership than

volumes of Winston Churchill's rambling snoozebath.

Coach Billy, all I needed was to see your face on your cover and you could

me anywhere you wanted me to go.

In fact, gentlemen, I can't decide which one of you I want to climb on top of

first.

Put me in, Coach. We can beat you guys.

Oh, you!

Yeah, it just doesn't make any sense at all.

But I have to give you credit, partner.

You made all of this happen. I did, didn't I?

Even though it may be the most boring event we've ever had.

Yeah.

Crystal, about today... Ben, thank you. It was very sweet what you did. I know I

can be a bit of a... What's the word?

I am willing to sit in silence forever until you come up with it on your own.

Handful. There you go.

But you trusted me.

That means a lot. And I learned something today, Benjamin.

It's nice to be youthful, but I miss being queen.

Well, Your Highness, I have a rather large favor to ask of you. I'm afraid I

have more to make up for.

Where is your royal plane?

Good evening and welcome to Crystal Air.

Your flight time to Cabo San Lucas will be one hour and 45 minutes.

Hey, happy six -month anniversary.

Please, is there anyone left to tell you on a private plane? Act like you've

been here before.

No, I want to send Ben a thank you for making this happen. Oh.

Well, I'm glad I arranged that.

You moved.

Now we have to start all over again.