Original subtitles

- Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

It seems like it's been such a long time.

But I wasn't sure if you'd be coming.

I got here as fast as I could.

- Sometimes I feel sorry for your wife.

- I better get back to the hotel.

Oh, no, not yet.

Please stay a little longer.

He's not gonna be back for another two hours.

- Call a taxi for me, will you?

Please?

Marie...

It's sure been raining a lot lately.

Seems like it's been raining for a week.

I've only been here two days.

Would you mind driving around a little bit?

Oh, nevermind, just take me to the hotel.

I have to call my wife.

Hey, this is the wrong street!

Hey!

Excuse me, could you tell me where the Ambassador Hotel is?

I thought it was on this block, or a block over.

See, the cab left me off, and I don't recognize-

Hey, is there anyone in there?

Oh!

- No need to stand out in it, friend.

Why not warm up a little?

Dry Out?

This way.

- I, uh, I was looking for my hotel, the Ambassador.

I thought I was in the right neighborhood.

I asked the cab to let me out.

Yes, I know.

What?

I know what you mean.

The rain is a deceiver.

A veil over reality.

Things don't look the same in the rain.

In fact, it's quite easy to get lost in these streets.

I do it all the time.

So you lost your hotel, huh?

Yeah.

Maybe the hotel lost me.

Anyway, I...

I can't find it.

Professional transient, are you?

- I'm, uh, I'm here for the plumber's convention.

Universal Plumbers, national sales reps from all over.

I come here several times a year to catch up, you know?

- You were out seeing the sights, were you?

I was visiting a friend.

A friend, eh'?

We all need friends now, don't we?

Want some coffee?

Uh, no, no thanks.

Maybe I will have a little, if you don't mind.

Coffee?

Yeah.

It's kinda cold out there in the rain.

- Grown men shouldn't be out walking around in the rain.

Even to see friends.

You live here?

Live, work.

This is where I do my work.

What kind of work?

- I don't think you'd be interested, really.

Just my work.

Oh.

Embalming, actually.

Embalming and such.

I'm a mortician.

I take care of the deceased.

After they're dead, I get them.

That's my work.

I do get some of the more interesting cases.

In fact, the most interesting, unique.

Grotesque, actually.

At least some of them.

Come with me, I'd like to show you something.

- I think I'd better get back to the hotel.

Oh yes, the one you lost.

Meeting another friend, perhaps?

No, I just-

- Oh, you must have a business meeting.

A seminar on pipes and fittings.

No.

1,001 leaks you should know?

I better get back to the hotel.

I have to call my wife.

- Well, I was kind enough to bring you in out of the rain,

give you a hot cup of coffee.

Why not stay just a few more minutes

and let me show you around?

I think you'll be interested.

All right.

Good.

My latest clients.

This one, for instance.

It's all very interest-

- Please, let's not be an ungrateful guest.

I really should be going.

- I've just begun to show you around.

There's much, much more.

A very interesting...

Very bizarre case.

Her name was Miss Sibiler.

She was a teacher.

Hi, Miss Sibiler.

"Hi, Miss Sibiler.

"Hi, Miss Sibiler.

"Isn't she sweet?"

Little brat.

Stop running!

Get away from my car!

Damn kids, disgusting little litterbugs!

That's funny.

Somebody...

- That was Morris Thupe and his orchestra.

And now, Lalo Barranza and his four strings.

Oh my God!

Children!

Just children!

What kind of a stupid prank is this?

What is the matter with you?

Don't you know any better?

Stupid prank!

More of you?

What do you want?

What?

- You don't expect me to believe that story?

It's ridiculous.

Perhaps.

Yet it's all very true.

- But, a woman being bitten to death by, by children?

I never said children.

What then?

I have no idea.

I don't think anyone really knows what, or why.

She was very much a mess.

Quite a challenge to me to make something acceptable of her.

- This is just too hard to believe.

Possibly.

As I told you...

I do get the most interesting cases.

- You sound like you select these people.

- Everyone should be selected on what they do.

Don't you agree?

Take Mr. Growski here for instance.

He was selective for what he did.

Though I must say, he was, uh, somewhat strange.

He had a rather abnormal predilection for cameras.

Photography and all that sort of thing.

Did some very nasty things.

Look at this.

A movie camera. - No!

Looks like Billy's tip paid off.

It's runnin', this creep's got a camera.

Here he comes!

There he is!

- ls it true you killed six women, Mr. Growski?

This one is Julie.

I met her at the library.

She's good looking, but you know,

she doesn't have too much upstairs.

Hello?

Hello.

Oh, hi! - Hi.

Um, I was just about to leave.

I thought maybe there wasn't anybody home.

No, I'm home.

L- I was just busy.

Come on in. - Good.

Um, thank you.

Oh!

Oh, it's so cute!

What?

Your apartment.

I mean, it's really neat, and uh, it's so cute.

I try to keep it clean.

Sit down.

No, not there, why not here?

Sit here.

- Okay, um, I brought you some wine.

I don't drink.

Oh, uh, well see,

I don't really drink too much anyway either,

but I didn't know if you'd like any or not, so I...

Doesn't matter.

Um- - Oh.

Thank you.

It was really nice of you to invite me to dinner.

I mean, I don't usually accept blind dates.

- How come you filmed them?

Oh, Well, I'm uh...

What are you interested in?

Photography-

~ Oh!

Wow!

Boy, that's, they're really great.

Yeah.

Um, do you have an ashtray I could use?

I don't smoke.

Oh, uh...

Uh, photography?

Well, I mean, of course.

There's one of your cameras right now, just like a,

a model airplane or something,

kind of mounted right on its own stand.

A model airplane?

It-it...

It's more important and expensive than any model airplane.

It's, photography is a serious endeavor.

- Oh hey, I didn't mean anything bad, really.

See, I like to take snapshots too, l_

This is a motion picture camera.

You do not take snapshots with it, or any other camera!

Photography is not just a game!

Um, hey, I'm sorry.

See, I just didn't know that-

Also, it's done magic.

" Magic?

- Mmhmm, would you like to see a magic trick?

Sure.

You would?

Yes. - Okay.

Uh, yeah. - I need a, uh,

silk, or a nylon,

you wouldn't happen to have a nylon stocking, would you?

Well, just the ones I'm wearing.

I mean, I don't carry extras.

Darn it.

I mean, I-l really need a silk stocking to do this trick.

Uh, could I borrow one of yours?

L - wouldn't ruin it or anything, you know?

I mean, to do this trick, I really need a silk stocking.

Um, how about another trick?

- No, you would really like this trick.

- Well, see, um, actually, they're attached.

You know, they're pantyhose.

So you'd end up having to use both stockings anyway.

That's all right.

I mean, that'll, that'll work fine, even better.

Um...

Well, uh...

I feel silly.

No, no, that's all right.

Don't, don't worry about a thing.

I'll turn my back and you can slip them off.

Okay, uh...

Now, you promise you're not gonna look or anything?

Nope, I won't look, on my honor.

Um, all right.

Well, you know, I've um,

I've always been fascinated by-by magic because

I always like to try to-to figure out how they do the trick.

You know, what the secret is to it.

And I've been to-to Vegas, you know, I go there,

and I've seen some of the magicians there.

And, uh, it's really, it's really interesting to me.

But uh, you know, I haven't been there too recently.

Uh, you aren't gonna ruin them?

Oh, I promise.

Okay-

okay-

Now...

This is a disappearing trick.

A marvel of prestidigitation.

I like that kind.

You do?

Yeah. - Okay.

You-you just look straight ahead.

- I'm gonna figure out how you do it, too.

- Okay, straight ahead, that's right.

Towards the camera.

All right.

Okay, now this takes complete concentration

to get the full effect.

Now, you have to close your eyes, you cannot see this part.

Um, all right.

Abra...

W- wait, okay.

Kadabra.

Voila.

Your life is gone, it's disappeared.

I waited until now.

I decided to skip all the boring formalities.

Her name is Carol and she's

some sort of a secretary or something, you know?

I buy all the photography books for myself.

And...

Oh, look at that camera.

Boy, does that look complicated.

Look at all those switches and gadgets and buttons.

Hey, that's funny.

What?

- It sounds like it's buzzing or something,

kind of whirring.

Do you hear it?

No, that's your imagination.

No, listen.

It's running, isn't it?

No.

It's not.

- Yes it is, it's running, isn't it?

No.

Come on, what are you doing?

Are you filming us? - No.

What kind of thing is that?

Now wait a minute, it's not-

No, you wait a minute!

I don't go for that kind of thing!

Now what did you think, you're gonna get me drunk,

we're gonna get on that couch?

No way.

I've known creeps like you, you are nuts!

Now wait a minute-

It's been three days, but I finally found another one.

She's a real dandy.

You know, society type, upper crust.

Very rich and snooty.

Kind of got acquainted at the Audubon Society.

She's got the hots for me.

I can tell.

Probably because I, I bowled her over with my clever wits

and, uh, subtle sexuality.

Anyway, she's, she's coming to see me soon,

and I-l have to prepare,

and there's only about...

There's only about 100 feet of film left,

so I'm going to have to work fast on this one.

Mr. Growski!

I am afraid that I'm going to have ask you

if I may borrow your telephone to call a taxi.

No!

L- I mean that won't be necessary, Mrs. Lumquist.

Oh, that's rubbish.

Don't call.

You shouldn't call.

Please don't call!

Mr. Growski, you have no reason

to speak to me in that manner whatsoever!

Mrs. Lumquist...

Please, don't.

No!

A year later, he was executed.

The state didn't allow any pictures to be taken.

Oh, he begged them.

How do you know all about 'em?

I mean, how did you find out the details

of what he did and how?

- I have, uh, respect towards doctor's files

and that sort of thing at my disposal.

I'm a professional.

These are my customers, my clients.

I have to know all about them to take care of them properly.

Like this one.

One of my favorites.

Very intriguing situation.

Oh, Lord.

Yes.

Well, uh...

From the top.

First of all, Mr. Castalucci did not hang himself.

He was murdered.

I found a few small clipped hairs on his collar,

and the fresh scent of a tonic on his face and neck.

A tonic which Mr. Castalucci doesn't happen to possess

in his vast assortment of aftershaves and colognes.

Now this would, uh, lead me to believe

that Mr. Castalucci had recently obtained a haircut,

and in my experience, it is very rare

for a man to get a trim immediately prior

to doing away with himself.

I also found some vaguely distinguishable rope burns

on his wrists, and a few strands on that very rope

on his coat sleeves, strongly suggesting that Mr. Castalucci

had no control over the method of scheduling

of his premature demise.

Also found this airline ticket dated today

in his coat pocket scheduled to leave for Rome, Italy,

by way of New York, departing, uh,

well, a little less than seven minutes ago.

I, uh, strongly believe that the deceased really

wouldn't have passed up the opportunity of a trip like that.

Now...

For the killer.

His name is Savio Galinski.

A rather well-know, well-liked type of character.

And the only man in this town vaguely degenerate enough

to smoke a revolting brand of cigar known as El Amigo,

the ashes of which may be found in that dresser top,

or this table over here.

He could usually be found at this time of day

at a filthy little dive known as Frenchie's Pool Parlor

at 6th and Franklin.

Well, pick him up and book him.

First degree murder.

You can take him down now.

He's had his hour in the public eye.

- Congratulations, an excellent piece of work.

Ah, ah, thank you, thank you.

I rather I'd have thought so myself.

Uh, it is not too difficult really,

a rather routine case, obvious clues,

but it does keep the senses keen and the mind alert.

It's something like a baseball player

taking batting practice.

- Or a champion oarsman chopping about in a rowboat

on a Sunday afternoon in the park.

- I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

I don't believe you have.

Inspector Wendell McDowal, Scotland Yard.

Ah, England, correct?

Last time I checked, yes.

- Well then you must be the famous Inspector McDowal,

Britain's number one sleuth.

Isn't that what you're called?

Uh, there have been people

that have phrased it that way, yes.

- Ah, in that case, you probably know that I am-

Chief Detective Malcolm Toliver,

America's greatest detective

and master of criminal investigation.

You honor me, sir.

I respect you.

I don't think I could everhonoryou.

All right.

We're supposed to be rivals, aren't we?

Oh incorrigibly so.

- Well, how in the world did you ever, uh,

find me in this squalid setting?

- I just asked at the station house,

and your dispatcher, a nice chap, um, Bounty?

Bernie.

Bernie, that's right.

Uh, he told me where I could find you.

- You mean, you didn't deduce my whereabouts

through calculated assemblage of relevant clues?

No, this time, I just stooped to

plain old common sense and asked.

I do that, uh, quite often, actually.

It's less dramatic I suppose, but much more direct.

Oh.

Well are you, uh, visiting here in America?

Or are you on the track of

some ruthless international lawbreaker?

- Oh, bit of both as a matter of fact,

so I thought I may as well drop off and observe

the master of detection at work,

sort of, um, absorb a few tricks.

- Inspector, you are stretching your efforts

in the art of flattery.

Oh, hardly, hardly.

I honestly believe it couldn't hurt me

to pick up a few pointers.

After all, we are competing for the title of

world's leading criminologist.

- Yes, I believe someone did phrase it that way,

didn't they? - Uh, Ajournalist.

- Yes, I think it was Time Magazine.

Rolling Stone.

Oh, I'm certain it was Time.

- Rolling Stone, it was January 7th, page three, column two,

and the headline was in full capitals.

Yes, yes.

Well, uh, Mr. McDowal, shall we adjourn these premises

to a more pleasant environment?

- Yeah, you have to dash off to an appointment right now,

but perhaps later?

We could have dinner together?

You're two steps ahead of me.

- Brilliant deduction. - After you.

No, after you. - Oh, I insist.

Well, okay.

Ah.

Mmm.

Do that.

Ah.

- That's a really excellent vintage, don't you agree?

Most assuredly.

Fragrant.

Softly smooth, yet, uh,

distinctly, uh, melodious.

A very refreshing analysis.

Beaujolais.

Le Bienvenue.

Um 1968 or '69.

No, definitely '69.

Correct.

You're very good at that.

- That's my job, being good at what I do.

Being the best.

- Well, we all try to be the best, Inspector.

Uh, the spirit of competition

is what keeps us going, I suppose.

- Absolutely, sort of a if at first you don't succeed well-

Uh, speaking of, uh, success,

or the lack of it

I've-I've always wanted to ask you, uh,

about that infamous mail train robbery.

How in the world did you ever crack that miserable fiasco

after letting it drag on for all those weeks

with no results?

Yes, actually you see, I, uh,

had it cracked, as you say, months before.

I was simply waiting for my pigeons to move into position

and implicate themselves with irrefutable evidence.

You don't say?

- Well, I couldn't trot around naming names

and allow them to, uh, dig in

with clever attorneys and neatly constructed alibis.

Uh, something like that appalling situation

you yourself experienced on that unfortunate

jewel robbery investigation last year.

Oh, hey wait!

Now that's not exactly right, Inspector.

I had good reason to handle that case

in an unorthodox manner.

Really?

And is this unorthodox manner an American trait?

Mmm, I suppose so.

The Americans are unorthodox, Japanese, inscrutable,

Italians, lusty, French, passionate,

the British, stuffy.

Stuff, but precise.

A message for you, sir.

Oh thanks, Leon.

Leon?

Yes, Mr. Toliver?

Who gave this to you?

Why, no one, sir.

I found it next to the reservation book.

Your name was on it, so I assumed that uh-

Oh, I was gonna say,

you didn't happen to see someone placing it there, did you?

- No, sir, I left to check the kitchen,

and when I came back, I found it there.

Oh, very good now.

Thank you.

My pleasure, sir.

Uh, something mysterious?

Yeah.

It's a note.

Unsigned.

A cryptic note.

Ah, they're the best kind.

"Mr. Toliver, in three days,

"someone you know will die a horrible death.

"You are the only one

"who can prevent this tragic occurrence.

"Don't you think you should?"

Now, it's written by pasting up, uh,

letters from newspaper headlines.

That's a very amateurish trick.

- Hmm, it does, uh, simply get the message across, however.

Elmer's glue, very middle class.

Bremerton Paper Mills, New York.

Eh, 20 pound flat bond.

Uh, 80% straight pulp.

15% dye, 5% nylon fiber.

Common.

A little too common, really.

No, this is going to take a bit of looking into.

- I um, I do have to return to London in a few days.

But I'd like to, uh, tag along on this case,

sort of observe your methods.

Would you, uh, would you mind terribly?

- Still attempting flattery, Inspector?

- Not at all, I'm just, uh, immensely interested.

Uh, you wouldn't feel threatened by my presence, would you?

- Now you flatter yourself, Inspector.

You know, maybe there is only room

for one foremost criminologist in the world,

but being that one is not just a matter of methods.

It's the man.

The man and his methods.

No, certainly, I wouldn't feel threatened.

Tag along if you'd like.

I'd love to have you.

Maybe you will learn something.

Perhaps I will.

All right, uh, Inspector?

Apparently, the letters were cut

from the following four newspaper;

The San Francisco Chronicle, the London Times,

the St. Louis Post Dispatch,

and strangely enough, strangely enough,

just these two letters, N, T,

were cut from the New York Times.

- That's rather a slap in the face for the Times, isn't it?

- Would you like to take a look at this, Inspector?

- Electrolysis test for hair construction identification?

Not really.

I prefer the magnetic analysis myself.

It's considerably more accurate.

Find anything?

Nothing significant.

- No fingerprints on the envelope or the letter?

No prints.

Just mine and Leon's.

Obviously we are dealing with a professional.

And, uh, no convenient cigar ash

or burnt rope's end to

lead you to the identity of the fellow?

Well now, let's see, uh, what have you got?

You have the intended murder,

and you know when, that's tomorrow.

So, uh, all you have to know now is, uh,

where and, uh, how.

And, uh, possibly why, uh,

just to jolly things along a little, what?

Now look, Inspector.

You asked if you could observe, not participate.

Now if you want to speculate or theorize,

why don't you get yourself into another room

and shout all your whens and what your whats and your hows

to your heart's content?

Now if you don't mind, I am trying to work.

And I don't need all your amateur Dick Tracy suppositions

and hypothetical poppycock rattling around this laboratory!

Well, uh, I tell you what.

I, uh, I'll just sit over there and watch.

Fine, Inspector, fine.

You just do that.

- Oh yes, I, uh, I got your message

just as I was leaving my hotel.

Oh, come in, come in.

I'm glad I caught you.

Yes, I uh, perfect.

I suppose I am too.

My word.

Your police department looks after you rather handsomely,

doesn't it?

Not at all like our poor impoverished Bobbies.

Don't be deceived, Inspector.

My salary on the force couldn't even begin

to pay for this house.

My good fortune results from the fact

that I have the time and the resources

to take on private cases.

A private eye?

- Oh, you can call me that if you wish.

I prefer private investigator.

- And your, uh, superiors have no objection?

I have no superiors.

Ah, yes.

- Why don't you have yourself a seat?

How gracious.

- I called you here because I have managed to solve

the mysterious case of our threatening murderer.

I thought you might be interested.

Ah, yes, of course.

This is the day, isn't it?

And I was beginning to think

you were really stumped for once.

Hardly.

Although rather unique in its initial appearance,

the case has actually turned out to be rather routine.

Really?

- As you so, uh, aptly put it yesterday,

the what is apparently murder.

The horrible death, as it says in the note.

The when is obviously today,

three days after the note's delivery.

And the victim of this unsavory piece of mayhem,

as the note says, someone that I am supposed to know is...

In fact...

Myself.

Yes, me.

Now for the perpetrator, the plotter,

the instigator of this vicious scheme

to commit cold-blooded, pre-meditated murder.

After examining certain obvious elements,

elements that reek of ego and pride and lust for power,

I could only come to one conclusion:

The case is solved.

I am the victim.

And you, my dear Inspector, are the murderer.

Bravo, well done.

An excellent piece of investigation.

And the weapon, of course, a gun,

the least likely weapon to be used

by Britain's leading crime fighter.

That's why no one could possibly suspect me

of killing you.

I forgot to tell you...

I solved the case two days ago.

Yes, yes, yes...

At least I was thoughtful enough

to change the Inspector's bloody shirt.

And I tried to keep the same expression on his face,

a sort of clever little grin.

I suppose you're gonna tell me

American detective Toliver is in that coffin?

Heavens, no.

They never found enough of

poor Chief Detective Toliver to bury.

He seemed to go all to pieces over the incident.

Uh, come.

Let me show you this next one.

Number four, I call him.

He's one of my newest acquisitions.

Acquisitions?

There you go again, acting as if you pick and choose.

I'm sorry.

I shall call them my customers,

if it will make you feel any better.

Let's have a look, what do you say?

- Here's the file on the new applicants,

Mr. Cantwell.

- So what else do you want?

- If there's anything you don't find, please let me know.

Testy little thing.

Thanks, Susan.

- Hey Dennis, how about grabbing some lunch?

Uh, no thanks Stan, uh-

- Come on, we're goin' down to that new hamburger joint.

23 different kinds of hamburgers.

- No really, I, uh, I gotta refuse, I'm sorry.

I have to take care of a few things.

Well...

Your loss then.

23 different kinds of hamburgers.

- Why do they keep pestering me?

Stupid jerk.

23 different kinds of morons.

I gotta get outta here.

10, 20, 25,

50, 75,

one buck.

Uh, you have any gum?

What?

Gum, chewing gum? - No.

- You really don't have any chewing gum?

- What do you think this is, a delicatessen?

Slob.

Sorry. - Hey, fella, listen-

- Hey, look, look, I don't have any change.

Why don't you get a job?

Creep.

Hey!

You got me locked in.

Is somebody back there?

Hello?

Is somebody down there?

Hey!

Hey!

Someone let me out of here!

Hey!

Stop, no!

No, stop it!

He)', no!

Stop, stop it!

Stop, no, no!

No!

Help!

Help!

- Here's the files on the new applicants,

Mr. Cantwell.

If there's anything you don't find, please let me know.

No.

I have to take care of a few things.

Look, I don't have any change.

- Mr. Cantwell, please let me know.

No. - Your loss then.

No. - Please let me know.

- I have to refuse.

No, no...

Your loss then.

No...

Jesus, give me strength!

No, no!

Thank you...

Beau...

Tiful...

Yes...

Hey, do you have a minute?

I told you, I couldn't help you.

Why don't you get a job?

No!

But you have his body.

Eventually, he died.

Drunk with a rotted liver.

Sprawled in the gutter.

Pickled, I'd say.

But who would do that to a man,

torture him mentally and physically?

Why would they do that?

Who, Why?

Oh come on, I'm sure you're not that naive.

All these people were the victims of their own frailty,

their own petty foibles.

Sibiler was selfish and cold.

And held a thoroughly uningratiating disdain for all people.

Especially children.

And Mr. Growski, our errant camera bug,

was but sadistic and totally contemptuous

of other people's privacy.

And our two sleuths, so vain and egotistical.

Look what became of them.

- Mr. Cantvvell, he had no failings at all.

He was blindly insensitive, sir.

When another human being,

agonized by his own pain, reached out for help,

he passed him by.

Poor Mr. Cantwell,

he might have lived quite long and comfortably

in another age, another world.

His failing?

He simply didn't care.

And this coffin?

What was this person's failing?

Oh, I don't know.

Infidelity, I suppose.

Would you like to see?

- This is all very interesting, everything.

But I must go now.

- Not yet, there's so much more to see.

I have to get to the hotel.

I have to call my wife.

Don't rush off, Mr. Talmudge.

How do you know my name?

Every good businessman

should know the names of his clients.

- How long did you two think you could get away

with your little game?

I'm not stupid, you know?

I can read Marie like a book.

All it took was a little waiting, a little watching.

And I knew I'd catch you both sooner or later.

You stupid bastard, don't you know any better?