Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

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Please welcome to the stage the one and only Rhod Gilbert!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Yes!

This is it, ladies and gentlemen, this is the big one!

The finale to the tour. Let me hear you.

CHEERING

Cardiff, Wales Millennium Centre, are you well?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Let me hear you at the top...

AUDIENCE: Yes!

..the middle...

AUDIENCE: Yes!

..and bottom. AUDIENCE: Yes!

You, you prick!

LAUGHTER

Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome, all of you, to the show.

This show is called The Book Of John.

It is about a bloke called John...

LAUGHTER

..that I met.

He's a driver, right, this guy.

He's, like, a professional driver. I was going to say chauffeur,

but that makes him sound posh, doesn't it,

and John is definitely not posh. LAUGHTER

The one thing he's not is posh.

The reason I hired him, I hired

a driver in the first place, is

because my life had gone a bit weird and, you know,

not all bad, by the way, you know,

some lovely things have happened to me in the last few years.

I got married to a lovely woman called Sian. That was nice.

CHEERING

Oh, some Sian fans in there.

We've got a lovely little dog called Rosie.

CHEERING

We've got a nice place to live.

And then it sort of went tits-up from there.

LAUGHTER

So my mother died a horrible, cruel, long, drawn-out death

from Alzheimer's.

My dad had a heart attack the following week.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw.

Yeah, I know, but survived, but then went into a home,

a care home, and then unfortunately died during lockdown,

so we couldn't get to see him. He died on his own in a home.

You'll all have been through this kind of stuff,

I know. Erm, what else?

My wife got diagnosed with an agonising incurable condition

called endometriosis that some of you will know about,

possibly suffer with. I had a stroke,

or a mini stroke, I should say.

I got diagnosed with ADHD, I got diagnosed with dyslexia.

Erm, what else is there? Oh,

and we've been trying and failing to have kids for eight years.

There we go. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're fucking clapping that?

LAUGHTER

Which bit of that did you not understand? Fucking hell!

"Oh, I'm glad I came.

"Yes, the world is in a bit of a state,

"but this is really cheering me up, all this."

LAUGHS: Oh, wonderful!

They all strap in for the big laughs, Cardiff.

This is why you've come - to get away from

the misery of the world out there.

You have come to the right show, madam, I'll tell you that.

Absolutely. This show's got the lot - death, strokes,

Alzheimer's, faulty nut sacks. You fucking lap it up.

Lap it up, you fucking weirdo.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm calling you a weirdo. I'm doing the show about this shit.

LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS

This is how I met John.

All this stuff happening is how I met John.

Basically, when my mum died, right,

my dad's in hospital with a heart attack,

I can't drive cos I've had a stroke,

so I was trying to organise my

mother's funeral on public transport, right?

And the funeral was on public transport.

LAUGHTER

You know what I mean. I was on public...the funeral was in

Wales. I was in London most of the time. I was on public transport,

going back and forth to Wales, trying to sort things out.

And I wasn't coping very well on the train,

but, basically, I hired a driver

to get me through that difficult period, right,

and that driver was John. And I know how that sounds, by the way.

I know how lucky and privileged I am to be able to hire a driver right

when life gets a bit...but, fuck me, we had nothing in common.

LAUGHTER

I disagreed with every single thing that man said,

everything he'd...sometimes just a thought.

I could see him thinking in the rear-view mirror,

Well, that's bollocks for a start.

Don't even say that out loud, mate.

Things are bad enough,

and I'm cooped up all day, every day in a car with this twat.

LAUGHTER

He's not a nasty twat, don't misunderstand me.

There's not a nasty bone in his body, right,

he's just an irritating twat is what he is.

LAUGHTER

It's irritating. But he became my inspiration.

You know, the wind beneath my comedy wings. What's the word?

My muse, that's the word.

The only reason I'm here tonight is cos of John,

cos John had a gift, right? He had a gift.

He had a wonderful...this is a very rare gift.

This is the greatest gift you can give to any comedian, right?

John is thick as shit and loves to talk.

LAUGHTER

Thick as shit. And he knows fuck all about anything.

But he's got a really strong opinion on all of it.

Do you know what, John? Do we all know what, John?

We all know. And you always knew

when it was coming because you always said...

The thing is, whenever the best stuff was coming, he'd go...

The thing is, I'd be like, "Hang on, I'll get my pen.

"Hold that thought. Hold that thought, John, stay with me."

In the end, I couldn't keep up.

I was writing it down. There was too much of it.

I had to start recording him on a little...this is a little

Dictaphone, voice recorder. I started recording him on this,

and then I would write it up when I got home, right?

And this is the result,

basically, this is The Book of John, of the title of the show.

This is a faithful record of many of our conversations in the car.

I'm going to start you off with an easy one, right?

I will ease you in gently with

a 40-minute argument about frozen prawns. Here we go.

LAUGHTER

I'm not going to give you the whole 40 minutes, right, relax.

I've cut it down a bit. I'll give you the edited...

But if you're wondering why we argued about prawns,

me and my wife had just come back from Iceland, right?

We used to go every year. We'd have two weeks with the people, the land.

This is the country, not the fucking shop, right?

LAUGHTER

We'd fly to Reykjavik, we'd travel around.

It's beautiful, wonderful.

Anyway, I was recommending it to John. I got home,

"I've recommended it to John in the car. He's not having it."

"Not interested, no interest." "What, never going to go?"

"No, not having it." Why? Because he loves his food,

and his favourite thing in the world is seafood, right?

Loves his prawns, calamari, shrimp, all that.

Fair enough. But John reckons you can't

get fresh seafood anywhere in Iceland, right?

You can. He's a fucking idiot.

LAUGHTER

It's an island, for a start, right? So it's surrounded by the sea,

which is one of the best places you can get for seafood, isn't it?

Well-known for it, isn't it, the old sea?

But this is his theory.

Cos there's always a theory, right?

I call it John logic. And it doesn't matter

what batshit theory he's coming out with,

there's always some logic in there somewhere.

This is his theory. John reckons the sea around Iceland is so cold

that the local fishermen can only

catch frozen prawns, right?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, welcome to my world.

That's what I had to put up with, months of this shit.

I'm in the car. I'm in the back, he's in the front, the radio's on.

I thought, Maybe I've missed something, you know,

maybe something's got lost in translation.

I said, "Are you saying, John,

"are you saying, then, that frozen prawns live?"

Cos that's the crux of the argument, isn't it?

"Cos if you're saying that frozen prawns are alive

and well and living in the sea around Iceland."

"But of course they are. How else would they survive?"

LAUGHTER

I said, "How does a frozen prawn survive?"

He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "If a prawn freezes, John,

"how the fuck does it go about the business of life?"

So you know what he said? He said, "They're used to it.

"They're born frozen."

LAUGHTER

Of course, the whole family's there, there's Mum,

there's Dad, they're all...

Of course. I said, "Can they move and swim?"

He said, "I don't think so, the ice is too thick."

LAUGHTER

So they're just sat there, are they,

staring out of a block of ice 24 hours a day,

it's not a fucking great life, is it?

LAUGHTER

I said, "Can they eat?" He said, "Of course they eat.

"Everything's got to eat." I was like, "What can they eat?

"They're frozen solid!" He's like, "Well, they eat

"other frozen stuff." "Like what - peas?"

LAUGHTER

"Findus Crispy Pancakes?

"What are they having tonight, John? What are you talking about?"

"Other frozen stuff."

I'll cut to the end, right? I said, "Here's a question for you,

"John. Here's a hypothetical question."

And this is the perfect example of John logic.

I can't give you a better example of how John's mind works

than this. I said, "OK, John, let's assume you're right, OK?

"All right, fair enough, let's go with it,

"let's run with your idea. Let's say I go to the supermarket,

"and I buy a bag of frozen prawns, and I get them home,

"and I put them in my freezer at home.

"Are you saying, then, John, hypothetically,

"in theory, at least,

"those prawns could still be alive in there?"

He went, "Not in a bag, they'd suffocate."

LAUGHTER

Do you see what I mean about the logic, though?

That's the logic! That's what winds me up.

We just used to sit in the car, just bickering, fighting,

arguing. I'm quite an argumentative little shit,

I quite enjoyed it. But he's worse than me.

We used to argue about stuff we agreed about!

LAUGHTER

George Michael, we both like George Michael. And a song came on.

This must be, I'm going back, this must be, like, February,

March, 2017. So George Michael died, if you remember,

Christmas Day, 2016. Do you remember that?

This song came on the radio. We argued.

See which side of this argument you would be on.

And by the way, a quick heads-up.

If you're on John's side, get your coat and piss off.

LAUGHTER

I'll set out our respective positions in the argument,

and you can decide whose side you're on, right?

I was saying, "No, it's not," and John was saying,

"Yes, it is," right?

And the argument was whether it was really ironic

that George Michael had died last Christmas.

Have a little think, have a little...

..if anybody's thinking, "John's got a good point",

Get your coat and piss off home now.

Seriously, I was like, "It's not ironic at all."

He's like, "You don't get it, Rhod, you don't get it."

"He died last Christmas, he had a song called Last Christmas."

I was like, "I get it, John.

I'm not an idiot, mate. I see what you've done there."

It's not ironic.

At most, it's a bit of a coincidence that he died at Christmas,

and he had a song about Christmas.

That's it, mate.

He's like, "Yeah, but he died LAST Christmas, Rhod!"

I was like,

"I know he did, John, but only because we're talking about it now."

"If we were having this conversation this time next year,

"he'll have died the Christmas before last, won't he?

"He won't always have died last fucking Christmas, John,

"that's the point."

God, if you're looking for ironic ways for George Michael to...

..if somebody left a whisper at the top of the stairs

and he slipped arse over tit,

fallen down ten flights of stairs,

I'd accept that was bloody ironic, wouldn't you?

If he'd gone to the bar in Club Tropicana

expecting free drinks all evening,

then got hit with a massive bill at the end of the night,

and had a fucking heart attack and keeled over.

If he'd been round at a friend's house using their sunbed,

and the friend promises to wake him up before he goes to work,

the friend forgets and leaves him under there all day.

Comes home in the evening,

there's just a sticky pair of Speedos melted on the...

If he'd said he was never going to dance again...

..he says, "I'm never going to dance again, you hear me?".

And everyone's like...

..but then he goes on a cruise.

He goes on a cruise, he's in the disco, he's up on deck.

He can't help himself, the music's too good.

He starts dancing and he joins in in all the fun.

He's in a conga and everyone's going,

"You said you were never going to dance again,

"George Michael, you lying bastard."

He's like, "Fuck off, it's only a conga. It doesn't count."

And then he stands on somebody's foot, doesn't he?

Oh, God, now he feels guilty!

His guilty feet have got no rhythm.

His guilty feet have got no rhythm.

And he dances straight off the side of a ferry.

I mean, it's more unusual than ironic, I get that.

The only way...the only way I would accept

it was ironic... I've got to be very strict on this, Cardiff.

The only way I would accept it was ironic

that George Michael died last Christmas is if, right,

and it's quite a big "if",

but if he'd been on the organ donation register, yeah,

and then when he died, he'd given his heart to somebody else.

And then the very next day,

and it's got to be the very next day, mind...

HE JABBERS

..not a few days later or the following week, no way.

It's got to be Boxing Day or nothing.

That person dies and gives George Michael's heart to a third party.

That's the only way.

Yeah. Wham! Take it or leave it.

You could give him any subject,

pick any subject in the world at random,

he'd know fuck all about it.

Give him a penny for his thoughts on any subject,

you'd get about £8 change. It was a good deal.

And he'd been like...he'd been like this since he was a kid.

As far as I could...he...

..John used to tell me stories

about him and his brother growing up, right?

They were haunting.

He said, no, I don't mean...I don't mean ghost stories.

I mean, you know...you know when somebody's...

..you know when somebody tells you something

and it puts an image in your head and you think,

"That is going to be with me for a very long time."

It's like, you know, when they die...

..when you die, they say your life flashes before you.

I don't think mine will, I think I'll get bits of John's life.

See how long this image stays with you, right?

See how long this image stays with you.

John told me that, as kids,

him and his brother used to love playing Connect 4, right?

That was one of their favourite games, Connect 4. Fair enough.

But they hadn't realised

you could close that little thing on the bottom.

You can have that. That's yours to keep, that is, that image.

That...that's a free image, like a bonus image that comes with...

..that's yours to do with what you want, now.

Honestly, whenever you're feeling down or a bit depressed

in the future, forget drugs or antidepressants.

Just pop that image in your head,

see if it doesn't give you a little lift straight away.

That could easily be one...

..that could be one of the last things I see.

Just two little kids surrounded by counters.

"Who do you think's won this one, John?"

"Those two are quite close there."

Well, some of you quite like him now, I can feel it happening.

You can cut that shit out.

You think he sounds quite sweet? He's not.

He's an irritating little shit, that's what you need to remember.

And I knew he was going to be irritating

from the very first day I met him.

Not even the first day, the first conversation.

He was already annoying, right?

He didn't know who I was, you know?

And that's not why I found him irritating.

All right, maybe it is a bit. Yeah, whatever!

Maybe it is a bit.

He didn't know anything about me or who I was or what I did.

Nothing. I think he was expecting some corporate client.

He was there with a clipboard and everything.

This is...pretty much the first thing he said...he went...he went...

"Oh, Mr Gilbert, I see you spell your first name R-H-O-D"

I said...I went, "Yeah".

And he went, "Well, how would you like me to spell it?"

I was like...

.."The same? I can correct it, if you want.

"It's not a problem, it's no bother.

"I can put R-O–D on the forms, not a problem."

I'm like, "You're not correcting my name, you twat."

He's like, "All right, then, you're the boss, you're the boss."

It's got nothing to do with being the boss, it's my fucking name!

I'm not...I'm not insisting you spell my name wrongly

because I'm on some kind of weird power trip.

"You're the boss." He used to do that to me all the time.

You know, when somebody... He would never admit he was wrong,

and that was his way out of every argument.

If he was losing an argument, he was like, "You're the boss."

Drives you up the bloody wall.

But he made me laugh. He made me laugh, I've got to remember that.

That's why I'm here. That's why we're here.

He did make me laugh, right? He did, he did.

Not on purpose, not once.

But...

..he never made me laugh, deliberately,

by actually saying something funny.

Just by being a twat, he made me laugh.

Like, even when I had this stroke thing, you know, this mini stroke,

his reaction to that is in the book. I'll tell you now.

He was...he was furious, right?

I was a bit freaked out by this stroke I had. John is furious.

So I was on the toilet when it happened,

which doesn't make it any easier to explain when you get to hospital.

You try walking into hospital going,

"I've had a stroke on the toilet." See how far you get.

This is... I work with the Stroke Association now, right?

Trying to raise awareness of stuff.

And one of the things I've learnt is that strokes are...

..they're unique, they affect everybody differently, right?

Everybody experiences something different.

This was mine.

I'm on the toilet, sat there, minding my own business,

this is the first thing that happened.

This arm goes up in the air like that

and starts waving at absolutely nobody for about two minutes,

with me going, "What the fuck are you doing? Who are you waving at?"

"What the fucking hell are you...

"..there's nobody here, man. What the fuck?"

I was like...then my face sort of collapsed and froze,

which is more like what you read about.

Now I'm going,

"Don't attract attention to yourself looking like this."

Then my side froze, and I ended up on the floor, right?

This is what the pain...if it's pain...

..it felt like my brain had got caught in a zip

and I ended up in the right place, right?

I ended up in hospital in a stroke clinic. It's called a TIA.

A transient ischaemic attack, is the posh word.

It's when the blood stops flowing to the brain,

which is what a stroke is, you know?

So they established that very quickly,

but then they're trying to find out

if there's any underlying health problem that caused it, right?

So I was in and out of hospital for a year,

I couldn't drive for any of this time,

which is why I hired John in the first place.

And every brain scan...it was very thorough.

You know, every brain scan...MRI scans, CAT scans, CT scans,

on and on and on it went for a year.

And then after a year, it was all very dramatic.

They went, "Mr Gilbert...

"..we finally got all your results. I think you better sit down."

And I sat down and I said, "Why?

"What is it? You can tell me,"

and he said, "No idea."

And I said, "Thanks very much, I'll see myself out."

So they didn't know, right? After all this stuff.

So they knew I'd had a stroke, but they didn't know why

or if there's any underlying health problem.

They don't know, which left me feeling a bit weird, right?

You've got no...you know, conclusion.

You don't know what's happened.

But John is fucking furious, right?

This is a long conversation,

so strap in. Cos he wants to know all about it

and I can't tell him, right?

He's going, "What was it? What was it, then?"

I said, "I don't really know, John."

He said, "Well, what did they say?"

I said, "Well, they said the blood stopped flowing to my brain."

He said, "Well, do they know why?"

I said, "Not really. Lifestyle, I suppose."

I said, "Oh, they said to think of it as a warning stroke."

John - "What was it warning you about?"

Me, "It was warning me that I could...

"..I could be I could be heading for a stroke."

John - "That's fucking pointless,

they should have warned you earlier."

Who's they?

He said, "The doctors. What's the point of warning you

"that you're heading for a stroke when you've just had it?

"They should have warned you."

I was like, "It's not literally a warning."

"They don't...

"..they just call it a warning stroke because one in three people

"who have this then go on to have a full-blown permanent stroke."

John, "You didn't."

Give me a fucking chance, mate. I've only just had this.

I'll go and have it now if it makes you feel better, John.

I said,

"Anyway, while this makes it more likely I'll have a permanent stroke,

"there's things I can do, you know? There's steps I can take."

"We can all take, isn't it?"

"You know, we can all do the right thing."

I said, "I can cut down on the booze."

"You know, I can...I can start exercising,

"all the usual healthy, life stuff."

He's smoking throughout this conversation, by the way.

He's puffing away the whole time, right?

So I said...so I said, "Well, I've given up smoking.

"At least I've given up smoking but it did take me years to give up,

"so maybe the damage is already done, who knows, right?"

And John went, "Did you used to smoke then, Rhod?"

I said, "Yeah, I think that's partly why

"it took me so long to give up, John, yeah."

Me - "Fuck, I could have this show written by tonight."

John - "What show?"

Me - "Fuck! Did I say that out loud? Sorry, mate."

One of the most confusing conversations of my life.

Strap in for this,

this is one of the most confusing 20 seconds of my life,

John said, "So do you think smoking caused your stroke, Rhod?"

I went, "I dunno, really, John.

"Part of me does, part of me doesn't. I'm 50/50, I suppose."

John - "What's that got to do with it?"

Me - "Sorry?"

John - "What's that got to do with it?"

Me - "What's not going to do with what?" John - "You're 50/50."

Me - "I know I am, I just told you that."

John - "What's that got to do with it?"

Me - "What?" John - "What's that got to do..."

"What the fuck are you asking me?"

John - "..I'm asking you what your eyesight's got to do with it."

I was like, "It's not...

"It's not my eyesight, it's percentages!

"50/50. I'm not talking about my eye, I'm talking about..."

He says, "I can't do percentages, we never did percentages."

I said,

"You don't need to be Archimedes for this one, mate, do you?"

"It's the same number on both sides, John.

"50% of me thinks my stroke was down to smoking, 50% of me doesn't."

John - "Which do you think it was, then?"

"I don't fucking know, John, do I? I'm 50/50",

that's what it...

"All right. You're the boss." It's not about being...

..well, he hasn't even said "the thing is" yet.

We haven't even got to the best bit.

Oh, we haven't even got...he went,

"The thing is, Rhod...the thing is,

"I don't even think cigarettes themselves are that bad for you."

I was like, OK, come on then, Twat-o-pedia, let's have it!

Listen, get ready.

Get ready for John's unique insights,

John's unique insights into the dangers of cigarettes.

This is going to blow your minds, this.

If you're not sitting down, sit down.

This is going to blow...

..you're going to wish I told you this years ago, right?

John - "I don't think cigarettes themselves are that bad for you.

"It's only when you smoke them they're really bad."

Well!

Well, who knew, hey, ladies and gentlemen?

Why don't they put that on the pack?

Why doesn't it say that on the pack?

I know it says smoking kills,

but it doesn't tell you if you don't smoke them,

it's a lot better for you.

Why don't they tell you these things?

I can't do this any more, John.

No, I can't. I can't go through this any more.

He made me laugh, though.

He did make me...

..no, he did! No matter what I was going through.

He did. He cheered me up, there's no getting away from it.

He cheered - even about trying for kids and failing to have kids.

He even made me laugh about that.

I'm 53, I will say it before somebody shouts out,

I have left it late.

In my defence, I haven't left it quite this late.

You know, we've been trying for a long time.

Partly, as a bloke, I've got more excuses.

Partly, as a bloke...

..nobody ever tells you about the male body clock, do they?

All we see is Mick Jagger banging out another kid every 15 minutes.

We all think we can go on forever, don't we?

I guess I think it comes down to... this is what it comes down to,

I think, is...

..the main reason I've not had kids

is because I'm scared that I won't be a good parent.

I've got no confidence that I would be a good parent

because I don't know how I'd go, because I'm not a confident person.

You see me up here, you probably think I'm a confident person.

I'm not at all, you know? I know it looks like it. It's not.

I did a documentary a few years ago about shyness and social anxiety,

because I've struggled with it all my life.

I don't know how I do this. I can't make sense of it either.

Perhaps part of me thinks,

"What if I get a kid like I was,

"who's twisted-up and anxious and refuses to go to school

"because he feels sick every morning?"

Or worse, worse, what if I get a confident kid?

Yes!

What if I get a kid with high self-esteem?

Christ, you've got to nip that in the bud, haven't you?

Jesus, God.

So...so, you know...so we...so we didn't...

And then we did. And then we thought,

no, we decided we do want kids, years ago.

I don't know, ten years ago or whatever.

And so we started trying for kids and...

..and something about that phrase, "trying for kids" -

It's such a weird...if you tell people you're trying for kids,

the conversation goes one of two ways, right?

Either people assume you're having difficulties

or, and this is especially true of like a group of lads,

they assume that you were having the time of your life trying.

Have you ever had this?

You tell a group of lads in the pub you're trying for kids,

it's like a Carry On film.

You'd say, "We're trying for kids".

It's like, "Ooh!".

"Ooh, you dirty bastards!

"Ooh, you must be shagging - like sex on tap!"

"Ooh, you lucky...!"

"I remember when me and the wife were trying.

"We were shagging every night. Every night.

"Twice again the next morning, we'd be shagging again.

"I was going home at lunchtime.

"She'd text me in her lunch hour,

"I'd go home and we'd fuck each other at lunchtime.

"We were shagging in shops and restaurants.

"She fucked me in Argos, once, in the queue. I was..."

"..we stopped the traffic on a zebra crossing

"and she fucked me and I fucked her.

"She pushed a cyclist off his bike, and he fucked both of us,

"and the lollipop man shoved his thing up her arse!

"The cyclist was..."

I'm exaggerating a bit, all right?

"..ooh! Ooh! Trying for kids!"

"Ooh, those were the days, remember?"

What they didn't realise was trying for kids at the time -

trying for kids, for me and my wife at that point,

meant me ejaculating into a little pot.

Then, there was an exciting 20 minutes

while we waited for it to liquify.

Then a doctor sucked it into a syringe.

Using a syringe, not a straw. He's old-school, you know, so...

There are all sorts of barriers now to us having children.

You know, my wife...my wife's got this...this condition, this...

..this endometriosis that can affect fertility, you know?

And I'm 53, my sperm are not what they were.

This is the male body clock that nobody ever talks about.

The male body clock? Nobody...

..give us a cheer if you've got issues with your sperm.

SILENCE

LAUGHTER

Let me tell you, that does not fit the national statistics.

There's two theories.

Either you're especially fertile here in the Cardiff area,

or you're lying bastards.

And I know which one I'm going with.

I know it's not just me because, you know...

..some of you will know this -

I did a documentary, last year, about fertility,

male fertility and infertility, so I know the facts.

I know how many...

It's half... In the couples experiencing difficulties,

it's...half of it is the men, it's just as likely to be the man.

You would never get that impression, would you? From the way we behave.

We put the woman through...we put the woman through everything.

The men don't talk about it.

It's a mess, you know?

And everybody suffers, don't they?

You know, and I know it's not just me.

Like, the statistics I've read when I was doing this documentary -

sperm counts across the entire Western world,

which, as far as I know, includes Cardiff,

I'll check when I get in...

..they've dropped by 60% in the last 40 years,

so I know it's not just me and maybe one other person.

There's loads of us.

Some of you are too young, I get that, you're too young.

And you're the people I'm trying to reach, right?

Because there's no warning.

There's no little red light

that comes on the side of your balls when you're running low.

You won't get a letter from British spath telling you your spunk...

..they're going to cut your supply off at the end of the month.

My new catchphrase is,

"Problems with your sperm? You won't see them coming!"

Good, innit? Everyone needs a catchphrase.

So we've gone down the fertility treatment route,

like many of you will, you know?

And we've tried everything, you know?

Artificial insemination, IVF. We tried absolutely everything.

Nothing's worked, sadly, but, you know,

I know it's 100 times worse for my wife.

Of course it is.

All I have to do, really, is give a sample, right?

And that is bad enough, that is mortifying enough.

I have to give this...

..so basically I give a sample and then they try...

And most of these techniques,

they try and maximise the chances of...

..of your sperm fertilising your partner's egg, so that,

you know, they take my sperm and they...

..they clean it up, basically.

You know, they....they comb its little hair,

and they polish its shoes,

and straighten its little tie,

and send it off out into the world with the best-possible life chances.

Sort of like private school for jizz, really.

Yeah. Eton mess, I call it. It's...

HE LAUGHS

Don't clap that joke, please, mate.

No, please don't clap it.

Honestly, I think that's the first joke I've ever written

that I'm simultaneously quite proud

but mainly deeply ashamed of, you know?

Talking of shame...

..talking of shame, we go to this clinic.

I'm ashamed and I'm embarrassed, and I'm...

..because I'm a man.

I'm pathetic, and I'm...

..you know, my wife's fine, but then...

..but then the women, they're all chatting.

They're all chatting away.

They keep in touch and they send each other articles about fertility.

The men is a very different story.

The men, we're all sat there with a form and a pot on our lap,

just staring at the ground,

hoping the hospital will get hit by a meteor at any second.

Because we're emotionally immature.

We're not...we're not equipped to deal with our feelings.

It's too tied up with our sense of virility, isn't it?

Our manhood.

You know, pathetic macho shit about how much of a man we are, you know?

And can you imagine what it's like for me, right?

Offstage, I'm a very, very shy person, right?

Quite self-conscious, a bit awkward and stuff.

I'm sitting there in the clinic with all these other people,

with my form and my pot,

and some people clearly recognise me, right?

Can you imagine these people nudging each other

and pointing and whispering.

I'm dying inside.

I told my wife, "I'm dying," she's like,

"Oh, get over yourself, get over yourself."

"It's not all about you."

This is what she said, "Maybe it's worse for them."

It's like, how the fuck can it be worse for them?

She said, "Well, maybe it's not what you think.

"Maybe they're pointing at you, going,

"Oh, my God, it's that bloke off the telly.

"It's that bloke off the TV. What's-his-name off the TV.

"What if he talks about...what if he sees me?

"What if he talks about me on TV? What if he talks about me onstage?"

Rest assured, Steve Fletcher from Maidenhead....

..I would not do that, Steve.

Your secret is safe with me, sir.

It's the first rule of wank club.

What comes in the clinic...

..stays in the clinic.

It's not.

It's not the first rule of wank club.

The first rule of wank club is whisper your name

at reception, Steve, you fucking idiot.

I don't know if it's worse for them or worse for me.

I don't know what they're going through, but I know

what I'm going through.

And this is...this will give you some idea

of how embarrassing it is for me when I'm sat there, right?

I have been confused

with another Welsh comedian,

called Rob Brydon, hundreds of times.

Hundreds and hundreds of times

people have confused me with Rob Brydon.

And all I know is in that clinic

is the only time I didn't correct them, I'll tell you that.

I just want to tell you this one thing John said,

because, you know I said he could put an image in your head

that would last you a lifetime?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, God. "Oh, God!"

I'm afraid so, sir.

Check this one out, mate.

I came out of there, I'd been giving a sample,

John said, "How did it go?" I said, "Don't ask.

"Please, just don't ask. Honestly, John. Seriously, don't ask."

He went, "OK, Rhod. No problem, understood, say no more.

"Why? What happened?"

I said, "The most humiliating thing I've ever done in my life, John.

"That's what just happened."

John - "Why? What happened?"

I said...I said,

"Because we're all sat there, John.

"All the men feeling totally emasculated,

"angry, confused, guilty, worried, not knowing what happens next

"if you can't give the person you love

"the one thing they now want most in the world.

"We're all just sat there, not wanting to talk to anybody

"and not knowing who we'd talk to, even if we did want to.

"We're all just sat there, John, staring at the ground

"and waiting to masturbate into a little pot."

John - "Wow, that is humiliating.

"All into the one pot?"

You know, the first time I ever went to this clinic,

the first time...

..because the first time you go to the clinic is the worst, right?

The first time you go is the worst time,

and then it doesn't get any better.

Does that make any sense to you?

It's bloody... Yes!

..somebody, voice of experience,

"Yes, it does." Isn't it?

Because you don't know what you're doing.

I assumed that when you go to a fertility clinic

to discuss the most intimate, private aspects of your life,

I assumed the person working on the reception desk

would keep their fucking voice down.

That was my first... You'd assume, wouldn't you?

Surely... LOUDLY: "There'll be magazines down there for you."

I'm this far away, I'm like,

"Shut the fuck up, mun, there's people listening!"

LOUDLY: "There'll be magazines!" Honestly!

And, also, I thought, "Does she mean porn?"

I hadn't thought about that.

Isn't that a bit weird, there's porn in a hospital?

Because what are the ethics of that?

It's a bit. Isn't it a bit weird

that some of our taxes are going to pay

for sticky copies of Razzle and...

All these questions were going through my head,

but I didn't ask her.

I was too embarrassed, I wanted to get the whole thing over with.

But then she's going on and on.

She's asking me all these questions because,

you know, and all the things in the fertility,

male fertility world,

all the conditions have got weird names, right?

Things like azoospermia and oligospermia.

it sounds like I'm making them up for comedy purposes, but...

..so she's shouting, "We'll be testing you."

I'm a metre away from her,

"We'll be testing you for azoospermia."

She's practically moving me to one side

so that she can reach the rest of the hospital, right?

"We'll be testing you for...

"..stand aside, here, they can't hear me in X-ray.

"In fact, let's do this properly.

"Let's get this window open.

"Oyez! Oyez!

"Azoospermia tests on this bloke today, oyez! Roll up!"

Because it's so normal to them, isn't it?

It's so alien to you, you know? It's your first time.

You don't know what's going on.

But this is how she described...

Cos I'd never heard of azoospermia, right?

This is how she described it to me.

And I think - this is word for word, how she described it to me.

I think this description is very useful

in understanding the condition of azoospermia.

But I would argue that a little bit, you know, in her day-to-day job,

I think a little bit of tact has gone missing somewhere.

I'll tell you what she said,

and you see if you can spot where I think the tact has gone missing.

She said, "We'll be testing you for azoospermia today.

"Azoospermia is when there's no sperm at all in the ejaculate,

"so you might ejaculate perfectly normally,

"but there'll be no sperm at all in it."

She said, "Just think of a river with no life in it."

Well, did you spot it? Did you spot it, some of you?

A little bit of tact.

What the fuck is that?

"A river with no life in it."

Also, I've got this thing. I've got this thing which,

for the purposes of this show, I will call "Rhod's Law", right?

I've nicked sod's law and tweaked it, obviously.

Sod's law is a rule that says...

..you know, the worst possible thing will always happen or something.

Rhod's Law, as I'm defining it, is a rule that says,

whenever I get really nervous and shy and embarrassed

and uncomfortable, I make a total dick of myself, right?

Because I try and deal with it with humour.

You know, a lot of us do this.

If you're feeling nervous and embarrassed, you think,

"If I can just make a little joke, if I can make everybody laugh,

"then all the tension will evaporate and everything will be OK."

But what happens to me is, because I'm feeling nervous,

the joke that comes out will inevitably be

the most offensive, inappropriate thing.

I try and stop myself, and then I say it anyway.

That's what happens. This is what was happen...

She said...she said, "Think of a river with no life in it."

I went, "River Phoenix."

I couldn't help it.

I know, I know! I couldn't help it.

I'm not proud of it.

I tried to stop myself, it just came out.

I couldn't stop it, I'm nervous. HE JABBERS

Oh, it gets a lot worse than this! Strap in, Christ's sake.

Because she's going on into more and more detail.

I'm dying there, I'm getting more and more embarrassed.

She's going, "Oh, we're testing the number of your sperm."

I'm like, "Please shut up."

"We'll be testing the number of your sperm

"to see how many million you produce

"and all the motility or mobility.

"We must look at the mobility of your sperm

"to see if they're good little swimmers."

Rhod's Law kicked in again.

I went, "Oh, they're not, they're not good little swimmers. I know that."

She said, "Why? Have you had these tests before?"

And I said, "No, but I had a wank in the bath once,

"and they stuck to me like glue, so I know they don't like water."

"Is this some kind of joke?

"Is this some kind of sick joke?!"

To which I should've said, "Of course it's a fucking joke!

"I'm nervous and embarrassed. I'm trying to be funny.

"And it's..."

That's not how Rhod's law works.

It's a progressive condition, isn't it?

It spirals downwards.

The more embarrassed I get,

the more offensive and inappropriate I become, unfortunately.

That's what... She said, "I this some kind of joke?"

I should have said yes. I went, "No, it's not at all.

"It's not a joke at all.

"I had exactly the same problem in the swimming pool.

"I was exactly...

"I was in the leisure centre"

"Oh, the swimming pool!

"What are you doing in this swimming pool?"

I said, "Well, I thought if my sperm could see

"all the other kids swimming around, it might give them confidence.

"Might give them confidence to leave the mothership."

"Well, go on, get in the pool with the other kids.

"Don't stick to me, don't stick to me.

"Get in the pool, get in the...get in the pool.

"Get in there, get in there."

"Don't stick to me. Don't be shy. Play with the other kids.

"Swim. Swim!"

She said, "There's other kids there?"

I said, "It's splash club Sunday mornings.

"It's their busiest time."

She said, "Well, where was the manager?"

I said, "She was in the Jacuzzi

"trying to get the jizz off the kids.

"She was making it worse. They were lathering up the kids.

"The kids are frothing up. It's like a toddler foam party now.

"The kids are crying. The parents are crying."

The sample rooms downstairs on the right.

Off you go! Get out of here. Get out of here!

The sample rooms...then you've got to do the walk of shame

past all the other couples with your form in your pot like that.

Everyone knows where you're going.

You might as well just announce it. "I'm just off for a wank."

I feel like a contestant on a game show going,

"See you after the break!"

Half expected the floor to revolve with me still on it.

# Blankety blank. Blank blank. Blankety blank. #

You get in this room, you're so self-conscious.

Everybody watching you, like a shit game of tennis.

Like just watching you.

Watching you going down, and then you get in this room,

I was so relieved to be in there.

You're practically leaning against the door.

So relieved to be in there, you know.

But then there's the other side, you can hear people chatting,

nurses chatting about their weekend.

It's the most natural thing.

How are you supposed to get it on in there?

There's people... And then I had a quick look,

there's magazines. I couldn't see any porn.

I thought it was a bit weird. There'd be porn in a hospital,

you know, but then...

But straight away, this is the other thing,

things you've thought about,

things you haven't thought about, straight away,

I'm in there. I'm so relieved to be in there.

But straight away I'm thinking,

how long am I supposed to be in here?

How long is this supposed to take?!

They've all seen me come down. There's a massive clock on the wall.

They're all going to see me come back out.

They're all going to know exactly how long it takes me.

Now I'm overthinking it,

because you can't just come out three hours later going,

"Sorry, I was watching Gladiator. I don't know where the time went."

They're gonna know exactly... Now I'm overthinking it.

I think if I come out too quickly,

it looks like I've got premature ejaculation, doesn't it?

Yeah, but if I take too long,

they'll think I've got erectile dysfunction.

What am I going to do?

Excuse the pun,

I'm between a rock and a hard place here, aren't I?

And the pot is...the pot's another thing I hadn't thought about.

I'd be sitting upstairs with this pot for maybe half an hour.

I'm looking at it now.

Now it comes to the crunch - is perhaps the wrong word -

but, you know, now I'm looking at this pot.

I don't know much about hospitals, right?

But if somebody has designed that pot specifically for semen samples,

then, well, that person is either wildly optimistic

or maybe John's right,

and it goes in the middle of the room

and everybody has a fucking crack on it.

Well, maybe I've got the wrong age group.

Maybe I've got the 18 to 24 pot.

That's the other possibility.

Maybe there's been an admin error

and they've given me the youngsters pot.

I haven't got the 50-year-old man pot.

I know that much.

A 50-year-old man pot is essentially flat.

It's just a saucer, isn't it?

It's true. Any 50 year old man in this room will tell you,

if you do manage to ejaculate these days,

so little comes out,

it barely warrants throwing the tissue away.

Let's face it.

It's not a foregone...

I've put them back in the box before now!

A couple of minutes on the radiator, folded nicely.

What the fuck, gonna go back in the morning...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

"Waste not. Want not." That's what my grandmother said.

Not about this specifically. Admittedly, she wasn't talking...

Oh, we all remember the teenage years.

I remember being a teenager,

grabbing as much toilet roll, banging the toilet roll

and wrapping it around your arms

to clear up the terrible mess you've made.

Now I just tear the corner off one sheet

and just separate the ply first, let's not waste it.

Just...dab the top.

It's like wiping sleep out of a cat's eye.

It's true! You feel like a vet, man! "Stay still, stay still.

"Stay still, stay still. There, that's got it.

"That's got it. Come and have a treaty.

"Come and have a treaty. Come and have a treaty. Come on."

You know, there's a question on the form, right?

It says, "Did you get it all in the pot?"

It's an important question, so they know how much you produce.

But the first time I saw that,

that's your chance to lie right there.

Did you get it all in the pot?

"Christ, no. This is nothing. This is just some leftovers.

"Don't worry about this.

"Don't even go down that sample room.

"It's like spring break down there.

"Don't even go down there without a wide brimmed hat,

"or a beekeeper's outfit or some waterproof over-trousers.

"It's carnage down there.

"This is just some drips I managed to get

"coming back down off the ceiling.

"That's all this is.

"Sperm-densation I call this.

This is nothing!

"I just ran this around the walls after.

"That's all this is."

Well, it's embarrassing, isn't it?

It's embarrassing!

It goes to the heart of who you are as a man, isn't it?

Directly related to how much of a man you are,

how much you produce.

I come from Carmarthen, man.

It's a hard drinking, hard fighting, hard drinking,

hard fighting rugby town,

where men are men and women are men and pets are men,

and babies are men, and children are men and dogs are men.

If you can't jizz a milk bottle off a wall at 200 yards,

you can't even get a job in the council.

I managed a bit.

I managed a bit under very difficult circumstances.

I managed a little bit, and then I couldn't find where to put it.

I got it in the pot. I don't mean that.

I got it in the pot. I don't mean, I mean,

I couldn't find where to put the pot.

She said something about a hole in the wall

where you're supposed to put this thing.

I was only half listening. I was stressed as shit.

I can't find this thing to put the bloody thing.

Now I'm thinking, "Oh, God, I've been down here too long."

I'm gonna have to go back up, past all the other couples.

I can't leave the fucking thing.

And I've got the...

I said, "I can't find the hole to put this in."

She's like, "Is this another one of your jokes?"

I was like, "No! The hole in the wall.

"You said there'd be a hole in the wall,

"except I can't find the hole."

And she's like, "Oh, come with me."

So now I've got to go back past everybody again.

"Just off for another one,

"with this lady!"

We get down there, and, sure enough, it's there.

It's there in the corner. There's a little like a cubby hole,

almost like a safe on the wall with a handle.

And she puts it in there and we label it up,

and off it goes with the forms, and it's going into the system.

And I'm starting to come down a bit. I'm starting to relax.

It's gone in there.

Now, I hadn't even...I don't know how I'd miss

this bloody hatch thing, but I'm looking around the room,

I've been so stressed out I hadn't even seen

there's a TV up in the corner

with a row of pornographic DVDs on a shelf.

There's a drawer with the word "magazines" written on it

and two or three pornographic magazines.

I'd completely...I'd been so... In fact, I'd be so stressed out,

I hadn't realised that this is a very different looking room

to the one I've just done my sample in.

I said, "What is this room?" She said, "This is the sample room."

I said, "No, it's not." She said, "Yes, it is."

I said, "Well, this isn't the one I was in."

She said, "It must be." I said, "It's not, it's nothing like..."

I said, "Where are all the magazines?"

She said, "They're in the drawer."

I was like, "Not those, the ones on the table."

She said, "What table?"

I said, the table with all the magazines

and the chairs round the side.

And she said,

"Why would we have chairs round the side of a sample room?"

I said, "I don't know, why wouldn't you have chairs round the side?"

Oh, shitting hell!

Shit, shit, shit! Of course you wouldn't have chairs.

I said, "What have I done?"

"You've had a wank in the waiting room by the sounds of it."

Two doors down!

Two doors, and somebody put a sign up now.

That sign was not there. "Waiting room."

How the fuck did I miss that?

Waiting room, you can't miss it.

I said, "This is where I did it."

And she said, "There's not even a lock on the door."

I was like, "I was stressed to shit. I didn't know..."

She said, "Was anybody in here?"

I said, "Of course there was nobody in here!"

I'm not a monkey!

What the fuck?! Of course there was nobody...

Oh, yeah, it was really busy. It was packed, actually!

I just went in the corner. I don't think anybody minded.

"Talk amongst yourselves, please."

"Anybody watching the Crown?"

Disgusting.

"Of course there was nobody in here!

"You said the room with magazines."

She said, "Those are just for friends and family

"while they're waiting."

I was like, "I used those!

"I used Tanya's face from EastEnders,

"from the front of Take a Break."

"I used the vaulter old woman's body."

She said, "Who's the vaulter old woman?"

I said, "Oh, it's an advert for the pain relief gel.

"She's just a headless, faceless torso with shoulder pain."

"Oh, you masturbated to a headless,

"faceless torso with shoulder pain, did you?"

I said, "No, I put Tanya's head on the top.

"I've just told you that."

"Oh, I'm sure Tanya will be very flattered."

"I'm not trying to flatter Tanya!

"I'm just trying to tell you what happened.

"It wasn't my fault. One thing led to another.

"We met in the Queen Vic.

"We got on well, we had a few drinks.

"She said she had a bad shoulder. She asked me to give her a massage.

"The next thing I know, we were on the floor by the fruit machine.

"Ian Beale is egging us on.

"It's partly his fault.

"Her and Max haven't been getting on."

"Her and Max? Her and Max?"

I said, "Max Branning, her husband from the car lot!"

She's like, "Well, when did you last watch EastEnders?"

I was like, "I don't know, a few years ago.

"What the fuck's that got to do with it?"

She said, "You're a bit behind."

I was like, "Am I?"

Oh, God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't realise that.

I didn't realise...I thought the main problem here

was I've just had a wank in a communal waiting room

with no lock on the door and a fucking great window onto

a side street that I've just spotted.

But, oh, no. Oh, no.

The main issue is my EastEnders references are out of date.

Well, I'm sorry, I'll watch the omnibus the next time

I come in for a tug!

She said, "Mr Bryden, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

I ran out of there.

I ran out of that.

Have you ever dived through a car window like a cop?

Me neither. But I got in quickly, right?

I got in this car. I said, "John, put your foot down.

"Put your foot down. Just..." John, "Which foot?"

I said, "Just drive, you prick. Just drive!

"Get us out of here," I said. "Get me out of here, John.

"That receptionist is not happy."

He said, "Are you all right, Rhod? You look pale."

I said, "Yeah, well, ironically, that took a lot out of me."

John, "What do you mean, ironically?"

I said, "Well, in reality, it was barely a teaspoon."

John, "I thought they gave you a pot."

I was like, "They did give me a pot."

He's like, "Well, why did you use a teaspoon?

"No wonder she's not happy with you.

"I wouldn't be happy if you used my teaspoon!"

"Do you know what I did, John? Yeah, I did, actually.

"It's her own fault. She should have been more specific.

"She didn't tell me not to use her cutlery,

"so I just shuffled back upstairs with my trousers around my ankles

"and tipped her coffee in the bin and jizzed into her teaspoon.

"What's the problem there?"

Squeezed the drips into her glasses case

and then wipe myself off on the back of her head.

What's all that fuss about? What's all the fuss about?

She's got to expect stuff like that working in a place like this.

What do you expect?!

Of course, I used the pot, John! But I used it in the wrong room.

John, "Which room?" I said, "The bloody waiting room."

John, "Was anybody in there?"

"No, oOf course there were nobody in there!

"Will you stop asking me that?"

And then I thought, actually, I don't even know why I'm panicking.

Calm down. Technically, it wasn't even me.

It was Rob Brydon.

"Rob Brydon, not Rob Brydon. What was he doing in there?"

I said, "He was masturbating in a communal waiting room."

"What? The pair of you?" "No, not the pair!"

"I wasn't there, I wasn't there!"

Forget about me. It was just him. It was just Rob Brydon.

I think this is the most random thing Jhon's ever said to me.

I think this is the most random thing anyone's ever said to me.

John, "Was you on a cruise?"

"Oh, yeah, yeah.

"Yeah, I think he was. Yeah, yeah.

"Yeah, yeah. One of these new P&O wanking cruises they do."

Yeah, I think they were having a quick one there,

then it was off to Cyprus for a couple I think.

I forget, and I think then they're off to the Caribbean

for three weeks nonstop masturbating in the sand.

Do you remember at the start of the show?

I was on a train. I said I wasn't coping.

My mum is dead. My dad's in hospital with a heart attack.

I can't drive

cos I've had this stroke thing, and I'm on public transport,

going back and forth to Wales,

trying to sort my mother's funeral out.

I'm not coping very well. The reason I wasn't coping is because,

well, choose whatever letter of the alphabet you like.

I'm a Z-list celebrity, you know.

I get recognised sometimes, and being in the public eye is fine.

You would never normally complain about being in the public eye.

It makes life easier in many ways.

But sometimes you don't want to be in the public...

Well, there's two times, I can think of

two very specific occasions

where you don't want to be in the public eye.

One is when you're on a train

and you're grieving and your mum's just died,

and you're on the phone to a funeral director

and you're trying to sort out things,

and then groups of pissed-up lads want selfies

and they won't take no for an answer,

and they lift you out of your seat and you start crying,

and then they start videoing you crying,

and then they send it around to their mates,

and then they drop you back in your seat,

walk off laughing and tell you you're funny, you're on TV.

LAUGHTER

That's one. It's quite specific, I realise that.

And then the other one is

when you've just had a wank in a communal waiting room.

LAUGHTER

So my agent said,

"I think we should take you out of this situation and get you

"a driver for a while." And I was like, "Yes, please!"

And that's what we did. And she booked John.

And, yeah, it was a good call. Fair play.

LAUGHTER

Although it's John's job,

John was supposed to be taking me to my mother's funeral, right?

It didn't quite work out that way, right?

Have you ever had the giggles at a funeral?

You know when your body doesn't know what to do with grief,

it's a nervous thing, isn't it?

I thought, honestly, genuinely thought I was

going to piss my pants on the way to my mother's funeral.

Fully piss my trousers. We had the news on, right?

HE LAUGHS

It's not even a funny story! We had the news on,

we were listening to the news, and horrible story, right?

In America, in California, somewhere, a man's head.

Just a head, just a severed, decapitated head

had turned up on a beach in California,

right, horrible story. But on the news,

the police released some details about this man...head.

One of the details the police released was

that this man had shoulder-length hair, right?

LAUGHTER

Why is that funny?

John said, "How do they know he had shoulder-length hair?"

It's a good question. It's amazing

what these forensics can do these days.

It's amazing. Don't ask me. It was zipped up in a bag,

the head was zipped up in a sports bag,

which John felt was suspicious. That was another thing,

John watches a lot of true crime.

Apparently, it's very difficult to zip your own head into a bag.

I didn't know these things.

I didn't know that. But John watches a lot of true crime.

Very difficult to zip your own head into a bag, apparently.

But this is the bit that blew John's mind, right?

You know I said he could put an image in your head

that will last you a lifetime? If I die with this image,

if I die with this image in my head, I will die a happy man.

The confusion on John's face.

And I could only see this much of it.

I could only see that, that's

all I could see in the rear-view mirror.

Just that, that's all I could see, but that was enough.

And it was clumsy wording.

It was unfortunate wording on the news, I grant you,

because the corpse's feet had been found...

..and I quote, "A short walk down the beach."

LAUGHTER

The look on John's...the confusion,

silent confusion on his face, though.

Presumably trying to work out how these feet

had got out of the bag and made their way...

LAUGHTER

And at the end, it said,

"The police are looking on the missing persons database."

John went, "Well, that's a waste of time. He's not missing,

"he's in the bag!"

LAUGHTER

He's in the bag! "Come on, you, you're wasting police time.

"We thought you were missing. Get out of there. Mucking us about.

"Get your feet, we're going home. Come on, they're only down here."

LAUGHTER

"And we'll stop at the hairdressers as well, you scruffy git!"

LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS

I thought I was going to...

Well, he made me laugh for about three minutes, anyway,

if I'm honest. Then he pissed me off again, right?

Normal service was resumed three minutes later,

he pissed me off again. He pissed me off again cos something else

you should know about John is he couldn't drive,

that was the other thing.

I mean, he had a licence, he could operate a vehicle,

he was allowed to drive, but he had no sense of direction,

he couldn't use his sat nav.

As a driver, he was useless, useless.

And every day, he would get us lost, and I put up with it, you know.

But not today, it's my mother's funeral.

I want to get there early and sort stuff out.

And he's getting us more and more lost,

and we're getting later and later, and I'm getting more

and more stressed and agitated in the background.

This is an important detail.

We're doing motorway speeds down the M5.

I'm calming down in the back. I'm just thinking about life,

thinking about everything, all the stuff that's happened.

John asks me if I'm OK and I told him I was feeling a bit weird,

and then I was talking about the stroke thing hanging over me,

the fact they'd never found out if there's any underlying

health problem. And he went, "Oh, I know exactly what you mean."

I said, "What?" He said, "I know exactly what you mean."

I said, "What are you talking...?"

He said, "Your stroke thing,"

he said, "I had something very similar."

I said, "You've never mentioned," I said, "what, what, what?"

I said, "When was this?" -

thinking he'd say ten years ago, 20 years ago,

30 years ago. He went, "Oh, it must be five or six months ago now."

LAUGHTER

I said, "What was it?" He said, "Oh, I don't know."

I said, "Well, what did they say?"

He said, "I didn't go and see anyone. Driving's my living."

LAUGHTER

"They take my licence off me if they find out."

LAUGHTER

I was sitting in the back going, "Hello? Hello? What the...?"

I was watching him in the rear-view mirror.

I thought, Any second now the penny's going to drop, isn't it?

The penny's going to drop,

and he's going to realise the irony

that I'm paying him all this money to drive me

because I've had a stroke, and he's had one as well!

LAUGHTER

Nothing! He just carries on driving.

I said, "John, pull over right now, you can't be driving!"

He went like this, he went, "I can't, I'm fine. Nobody knows."

LAUGHTER

I said, "I know. I know, you know, it doesn't matter who knows!

I said, "You can't be driving."

I said, "I'll drive. Pull over. I'm going to take over.

"I'll bloody drive myself."

He said, "You can't drive, you're not allowed."

I thought, That's rich coming from you, isn't it?

"And anyway, I haven't told you this, John,

"but seeing as this seems to be such a great day for sharing,

"I've had all my results back now.

"And while they don't know

"if there's any underlying health problem,

"they do know there's no damage,

"permanent damage to the structure of my brain.

"So they've said I could drive again," which is absolutely true,

right? And this is the only

intelligent thing John's ever said to me, I swear to God.

He said, "If you're allowed to drive,

"why are you still paying me to drive you?"

LAUGHTER

And I said, "Cos I'm getting a shitload of material out of you,

"that's why!"

I didn't mean it. It's a horrible thing to say.

I just lashed out. I was angry, I didn't mean it,

but it did get me thinking. I was thinking, What am I doing?

Why am I paying this guy to drive me when I could be driving myself?

And I sat there and thought about it for a minute, and I came to

the disturbing conclusion that I must quite like him.

LAUGHTER

There's no other explanation, is there?

Don't get me wrong, "friends" is far too strong a word,

and he gets on my nerves like nobody I've ever met,

but we've become like a weird, odd couple.

LAUGHTER

We have. He has cheered me up.

He's got me through this difficult period.

There's more that unites than divides us, you know?

And I was trying to reassure him.

I was trying to reassure him. I was saying to him,

because it was really obvious to me that the reason he hadn't

seen anyone is cos he's scared of

what he'd find out, or the consequences.

And we all know, we can all relate to that now, especially, can't we?

And so I said to him, "John, you've got to get this

"checked out, but I'm sure you'll be fine.

"If you've had the same thing I've had,

"I'm OK, so I'm sure you'll be all right."

We're still doing motorway speeds down the M5, remember?

I said, "I'm sure you'll be OK."

And he went, "Well, I'm not sure. Mine was exactly the same as yours."

I said, "Well, it sounds very similar."

And he went, "Yeah, but the thing is..."

LAUGHTER

He said, "I don't know whether I should tell you this,

"but I've been having blackouts."

LAUGHTER

I was, like, "Pull over! Pull over right there!"

I was furious, I'm so pissed off with him.

Even now he makes me laugh, though. This is the thing,

I'm so pissed off. Even now he makes me laugh, cos we stop

the car, I get in the front, in the driver's seat,

put my seat belt on, ready to drive to my own mother's funeral.

He goes around and gets in the fucking back.

LAUGHTER

I'm, like, "That's bad enough. I'm driving, I'm paying,

"I'm driving. You're not sitting in the back with your feet

"up reading the paper, mate. Get in the front, you prick,

"or I'll put a little hat on for you, shall I?

"Get in the front!"

And I put him in the front. Come on!

And I drove to my own mother's funeral.

It was fine, I got there on time. It was fine.

The funeral was fine. And then there's a few drinks.

Well, everyone else is having a few drinks,

everybody except me,

cos at half-past 11, when it was

all over, I'd to drive John home to Reading, didn't I?

LAUGHTER Three and a half hours.

I couldn't let him stay. He's not staying with us,

and I can't let him drive.

I can't have that on my conscience, can I?

To be honest, I didn't even mind.

I wasn't even angry. By this point, I felt quite close to him,

and it was quite nice to get away.

And I realised we had quite a strong bond.

We both had this stroke thing hanging over us, you know,

and I dropped him off. His last words to me, right?

His last words to me that night.

I dropped him off about half-two in the morning and his wife was there.

His last words to me were either...well, see what you think.

I can't work it out.

They were either quite beautiful and profound and poetic

and philosophical...

..or thick as shit.

LAUGHTER

Cos I said, "John, you know,

"it's been a funny old trip, but I've enjoyed your company,

"sort of. And, you know, you've got to get yourself checked out.

"But, who knows, if you're driving again and I need a driver one day,

"maybe our paths will cross."

I said, "Cos, after all, John,

"nobody can predict the future, right?"

"John went, "No. Nor the past."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I don't know.

WHISTLING

HE LAUGHS It's definitely easier, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

I'll leave you with this, and this will be the end.

I'll leave you with this cos I've seen him again, right,

I've seen John again after that night.

Fast-forward a year,

and I'm doing this documentary about shyness and social anxiety

that I've mentioned. And filming in TV, you know, TV filming can be

very long days, right? You could be

filming all day, like, 18 hours a day, or whatever.

And so I thought, I'll take the pressure off,

I'll make life a bit easier.

I'll get a driver, I'll hire a driver, take the pressure...

And then I thought, Let's give John a ring,

cos I don't even know what happened.

I felt a bit guilty cos I don't even know what happened,

I haven't even spoken to him.

I thought, Let's give John a ring, right?

So I rang John, I spoke to his wife

and, cut a very long conversation, very short,

I find out that John's had a stroke, right?

That's what happened, he's had a mini stroke,

but they've done a more investigation with him

and they found out that his is caused

by an atrial fibrillation.

It's an irregular heartbeat that can cause dizzy spells,

hence the blackouts.

And his wife tells me on the phone that he's lost his job.

And I felt like shit

because I hadn't rung him,

I hadn't been in touch and I didn't know anything,

and I felt like shit because I'd rung him to ask him

to drive me for this documentary, and he can't,

you know, he's lost his job.

And then his wife asked me why I was ringing.

I panicked, right? I totally panicked.

She said, "Why are you ringing?" I went, "Oh, no reason. I've got

"this documentary coming up, but I'm driving, don't worry about that.

"I just wondered if John wanted to come along for the craic."

What the fuck is that?

No, no!

One of those slow-motion, "No!"

Before I could take the offer back, he says yes.

Off we go again, right? Right back on the road,

but with me driving him now for no reason.

For no reason. He's not in the documentary,

he plays no part in it. I'm working 18 hours a day,

and then I'm driving this prick around...for no reason!

For the craic, apparently.

LAUGHTER

I wasn't even sure whether to do this documentary,

cos it's not exactly a cool thing to admit

that you suffer from shyness and social anxiety, is it?

It was called Stand Up to Shyness.

And shyness is such a weird term, isn't it?

You know, it's such a hard thing to define

and to describe who's shy, who's not.

Sometimes we are, sometimes we aren't.

So I tried to make some...I tried to get some science on it,

you know, and I went to GPs and cognitive behavioural therapists

and psychologists and neuroscientists.

At one point, I'm in Harley Street in London,

and this neuroscientist has done all these tests across the day.

And I think at one point he's got, like, an EEG machine on my head,

like a swimming cap with all these pressure pads.

And on his computer screen, all my

brain activity is dancing around it. And I said, you know,

on camera, I said, "So can you see

"that I'm shy from looking at that computer, from analysing that?"

And he said, "No, I can't. But I wouldn't expect to be able to."

He said, "If you were anxious now, I could probably see it,

"but I can't tell if you're an anxious type of person."

It's my first-ever serious documentary.

I went a little bit over-the-top BBC presenter.

I've still got this swimming cap thing on my head.

I sort of looked down, I looked at the camera, you know,

in my best BBC presenter, I sort of said,

"So there we have it. So there we have it.

"You can't tell that somebody's shy just

"from looking at the brain."

I'm still looking down the camera,

on TV, this neuroscientist nudges me and he goes, "Yeah, I don't know

"if you want to get this on camera,

"but I can tell you you've got ADHD and possibly dyslexia."

LAUGHTER

"What the fuck, are you fucking...?" I'm on television going,

"What the fuck do I do? I've only popped in for shyness, you prick!"

LAUGHTER

"I'm just a bit shy, that's all. What are you talking about, ADHD?"

I said, "This is a one-off documentary, mate,

"not a six-part series about my brain!"

LAUGHTER

"What do you...ADHD?" Don't get me wrong,

in hindsight, it's brilliant news.

In hindsight, for the first time in my life,

everything makes sense. 50 years of my life suddenly makes sense,

and I can do something about it, in hindsight.

But at the time, I'm on telly!

I was reeling, "ADH...?"

He said, "Well, I think you've got a subtype."

He said, "I'll have to do more tests,

"but I think you've got a subtype of ADHD called ADD."

He said, "ADHD is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder."

Apparently, incredibly, I haven't got the hyperactive bit.

LAUGHTER

This is a really laid-back version, apparently.

Next, I've got John in the car, that's my next problem.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God, I've got to come out. I come out.

John said, "How did it go? How did it go?"

I said, "I'm having a great time, John,"

I said, "I'm having a great time. Let's go.

"Come on. I've just had the best day of my life, John.

"Oh, I'm having a great time. I've gone in there with shyness,

"I've come out with ADHD and possibly fucking dyslexia."

John - "What, have you swapped?"

LAUGHTER

" I haven't swapped!"

What does that even mean? "Of course I haven't swapped,

"John, I haven't swapped. How could I have swapped?

"I've come out with two new things that I didn't even know I had."

He said, "Well, at least you're not shy any more."

I was, like, "I am still shy, John! Of course I'm still shy, John,

"and dyslexic and I've got this

"AD...I've got all three of them, John.

"I've got the full set, mate. I've got the full set!"

He's, like, "Oh, OK, yeah, right, I've got you.

"Oh, yeah, sorry to hear that, yeah, yeah." He said, "Dyslexia,

"I know that one, that's the spelling one."

I said, "Any problem with reading, writing, spelling."

He said, "Oh, what's that other thing?"

I said, "Oh, it's ADD," right?

He said, "Well, what's that, then?" And I said, "Well,"

I said, "I don't know, really." I said, "You know,

"ADHD is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,

"but what I have is ADD."

And he went, "Oh, right,

"I've got you, yeah, so you've got ADHD,

"but you can't spell it cos of the dyslexia."

LAUGHTER

Wow!

Where do you start with that?

Where do you start with that? You've got ADHD,

but you can't spell it because of the...

I just did spell it.

I said, "I was the one who just told you I haven't got ADHD,

"John, do you remember?

"How can you accuse me of not being able to spell ADHD

"when I just told you I haven't got ADHD?"

He said, "Well, you keep saying ADD."

I said, "Because that's what I've got."

He said, "You keep missing the H." "I don't keep missing the H.

"There IS no H!" He's like, "What, there's no H in ADHD?"

"No, of course there's a fucking H in ADHD, John.

"There's an H in ADHD, but there's no H in AD fucking D."

"Right, you ARE the boss."

"It's not about being the bloody boss!

"Anyway, I'm not the boss, am I? I'm driving you around,

"in case you haven't noticed, you useless piece of shit!"

LAUGHTER

"So get it into your head, John,

"one's got an H and one of them hasn't,

"cos one involves hyperactivity and the other one doesn't, John.

"And for your information, I know the difference,

"and I can spell them bloody both!" LAUGHTER

John - "Well, you haven't got dyslexia, then."

"Right, I'm going back in. I'm going back in."

I'm going back in. "I'm sorry, Mr Neuroscientist,

"I know you've spent your life studying the brain,

"but I've had a quick chat to John in the car park.

"I don't know if you know him,

"but he's pretty convinced I'm not dyslexic,

"so I'll be on my way.

"I think I'll take John's word over yours, if you don't mind.

"He usually knows what's what." I said, "In fact, come back with me,

"John. Come back in with me."

He said, "Why?" I said,

"Cos I can hook you up to that fucking EEG machine, that's why.

"Let's see if anything whatsoever appears on that screen, shall we?

"Let's see if a computer

"can detect any sign of brain activity whatsoever.

"Cos I've been with you for months and I've seen nothing!

"Nothing!

"It'll probably just say 'buffering' for the first few hours, won't it?

"Then there'll be a weird picture of a girl and a clown playing noughts

"and crosses for the rest of the week."

LAUGHTER

"You might as well put an EEG machine on a damaged melon!"

LAUGHTER

He said, "What's an EEG machine?" I said, "Oh, sorry, John, it's

"an EHEG machine, but I can't spell it cos I'm too dyslexic, obviously."

There was ten days' filming on that documentary.

This is day three.

LAUGHTER

Day four.

Day four, the next day, I've been doing some more filming.

And then we were driving along. I was driving along.

He's sat there, trying to work out whose reflection

he keeps catching in the window.

LAUGHTER

He was quiet for a while, he was quiet for about ten minutes.

Honestly, it's one of the best fortnight's holiday

I've ever had in my life.

LAUGHTER

He was quiet for about ten minutes, then he piped up.

He went, "Hey, Rhod. Hey, Rhod, yeah, I've been thinking."

I was like, "Oh, good." LAUGHTER

"Glad to hear that, John. What have you been thinking?"

He went, "Well, I've been thinking about it

"and I've just realised something."

He said, "Your name, your first name."

LAUGHTER

I said, "Fair play, John, you really are the boss."

Cardiff, you've been absolutely lovely.

Thank you very, very, very, very, very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a privilege and an honour to film the show here.

That's it, that's my life complete. Thank you very much.

You've been lovely, thank you.

Thanks for all your support over the years.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you. Cheers, thanks very much, goodnight!

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