1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,000 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 For best IPTV provider, please visit: WWW.IPTV.CAT For best IPTV provider, please visit: WWW.IPTV.CAT 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 For best IPTV provider, please visit: WWW.IPTV.CAT For best IPTV provider, please visit: WWW.IPTV.CAT 4 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:38,800 Please welcome to the stage the one and only Rhod Gilbert! 5 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:41,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 6 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,240 Yes! 7 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,440 Yes! 8 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:56,680 This is it, ladies and gentlemen, this is the big one! 9 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:58,640 The finale to the tour. Let me hear you. 10 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,240 CHEERING 11 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,720 Cardiff, Wales Millennium Centre, are you well? 12 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,360 AUDIENCE: Yes! 13 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,960 Let me hear you at the top... 14 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,080 AUDIENCE: Yes! 15 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:12,440 ..the middle... 16 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:13,760 AUDIENCE: Yes! 17 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:15,880 ..and bottom. AUDIENCE: Yes! 18 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,760 You, you prick! 19 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:19,760 LAUGHTER 20 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,840 Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen. 21 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,120 Welcome, all of you, to the show. 22 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:25,560 This show is called The Book Of John. 23 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,280 It is about a bloke called John... 24 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,520 LAUGHTER 25 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,360 ..that I met. 26 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,760 He's a driver, right, this guy. 27 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,800 He's, like, a professional driver. I was going to say chauffeur, 28 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:38,960 but that makes him sound posh, doesn't it, 29 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:41,360 and John is definitely not posh. LAUGHTER 30 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,280 The one thing he's not is posh. 31 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,640 The reason I hired him, I hired 32 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,160 a driver in the first place, is 33 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,600 because my life had gone a bit weird and, you know, 34 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,040 not all bad, by the way, you know, 35 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,200 some lovely things have happened to me in the last few years. 36 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,760 I got married to a lovely woman called Sian. That was nice. 37 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,600 CHEERING 38 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,440 Oh, some Sian fans in there. 39 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,640 We've got a lovely little dog called Rosie. 40 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,520 CHEERING 41 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:06,600 We've got a nice place to live. 42 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:08,000 And then it sort of went tits-up from there. 43 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,440 LAUGHTER 44 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:13,120 So my mother died a horrible, cruel, long, drawn-out death 45 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:14,680 from Alzheimer's. 46 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,200 My dad had a heart attack the following week. 47 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:18,120 AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw. 48 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:20,640 Yeah, I know, but survived, but then went into a home, 49 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,200 a care home, and then unfortunately died during lockdown, 50 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,840 so we couldn't get to see him. He died on his own in a home. 51 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,960 You'll all have been through this kind of stuff, 52 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:29,720 I know. Erm, what else? 53 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:32,520 My wife got diagnosed with an agonising incurable condition 54 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:34,720 called endometriosis that some of you will know about, 55 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:36,600 possibly suffer with. I had a stroke, 56 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:39,080 or a mini stroke, I should say. 57 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,960 I got diagnosed with ADHD, I got diagnosed with dyslexia. 58 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,360 Erm, what else is there? Oh, 59 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,760 and we've been trying and failing to have kids for eight years. 60 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,160 There we go. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 61 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:50,720 You're fucking clapping that? 62 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,520 LAUGHTER 63 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:55,320 Which bit of that did you not understand? Fucking hell! 64 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,080 "Oh, I'm glad I came. 65 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:00,520 "Yes, the world is in a bit of a state, 66 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,680 "but this is really cheering me up, all this." 67 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,000 LAUGHS: Oh, wonderful! 68 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:08,640 They all strap in for the big laughs, Cardiff. 69 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,120 This is why you've come - to get away from 70 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:12,280 the misery of the world out there. 71 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:15,120 You have come to the right show, madam, I'll tell you that. 72 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,800 Absolutely. This show's got the lot - death, strokes, 73 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:21,760 Alzheimer's, faulty nut sacks. You fucking lap it up. 74 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,440 Lap it up, you fucking weirdo. 75 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:25,280 LAUGHTER 76 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,280 APPLAUSE 77 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:30,160 I'm calling you a weirdo. I'm doing the show about this shit. 78 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:31,240 LAUGHTER 79 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:32,640 HE LAUGHS 80 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,200 This is how I met John. 81 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:35,880 All this stuff happening is how I met John. 82 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,720 Basically, when my mum died, right, 83 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,960 my dad's in hospital with a heart attack, 84 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,240 I can't drive cos I've had a stroke, 85 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,400 so I was trying to organise my 86 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:47,360 mother's funeral on public transport, right? 87 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,760 And the funeral was on public transport. 88 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:50,880 LAUGHTER 89 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,600 You know what I mean. I was on public...the funeral was in 90 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,880 Wales. I was in London most of the time. I was on public transport, 91 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,680 going back and forth to Wales, trying to sort things out. 92 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:01,520 And I wasn't coping very well on the train, 93 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,160 but, basically, I hired a driver 94 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,320 to get me through that difficult period, right, 95 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:09,600 and that driver was John. And I know how that sounds, by the way. 96 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,840 I know how lucky and privileged I am to be able to hire a driver right 97 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,720 when life gets a bit...but, fuck me, we had nothing in common. 98 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,720 LAUGHTER 99 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:21,880 I disagreed with every single thing that man said, 100 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,880 everything he'd...sometimes just a thought. 101 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,280 I could see him thinking in the rear-view mirror, 102 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,040 Well, that's bollocks for a start. 103 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:31,760 Don't even say that out loud, mate. 104 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,480 Things are bad enough, 105 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:36,440 and I'm cooped up all day, every day in a car with this twat. 106 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:37,480 LAUGHTER 107 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,520 He's not a nasty twat, don't misunderstand me. 108 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,320 There's not a nasty bone in his body, right, 109 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,440 he's just an irritating twat is what he is. 110 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:44,720 LAUGHTER 111 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,920 It's irritating. But he became my inspiration. 112 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:51,280 You know, the wind beneath my comedy wings. What's the word? 113 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:53,760 My muse, that's the word. 114 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,520 The only reason I'm here tonight is cos of John, 115 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,560 cos John had a gift, right? He had a gift. 116 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,000 He had a wonderful...this is a very rare gift. 117 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,520 This is the greatest gift you can give to any comedian, right? 118 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,720 John is thick as shit and loves to talk. 119 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:07,040 LAUGHTER 120 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:10,200 Thick as shit. And he knows fuck all about anything. 121 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,640 But he's got a really strong opinion on all of it. 122 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:17,000 Do you know what, John? Do we all know what, John? 123 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,800 We all know. And you always knew 124 00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:20,560 when it was coming because you always said... 125 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:23,160 The thing is, whenever the best stuff was coming, he'd go... 126 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,960 The thing is, I'd be like, "Hang on, I'll get my pen. 127 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,040 "Hold that thought. Hold that thought, John, stay with me." 128 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:29,560 In the end, I couldn't keep up. 129 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,880 I was writing it down. There was too much of it. 130 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,000 I had to start recording him on a little...this is a little 131 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:38,040 Dictaphone, voice recorder. I started recording him on this, 132 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:40,000 and then I would write it up when I got home, right? 133 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,840 And this is the result, 134 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:45,520 basically, this is The Book of John, of the title of the show. 135 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:48,840 This is a faithful record of many of our conversations in the car. 136 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,280 I'm going to start you off with an easy one, right? 137 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:52,440 I will ease you in gently with 138 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,560 a 40-minute argument about frozen prawns. Here we go. 139 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,080 LAUGHTER 140 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,960 I'm not going to give you the whole 40 minutes, right, relax. 141 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,440 I've cut it down a bit. I'll give you the edited... 142 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,840 But if you're wondering why we argued about prawns, 143 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:09,440 me and my wife had just come back from Iceland, right? 144 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,240 We used to go every year. We'd have two weeks with the people, the land. 145 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:14,640 This is the country, not the fucking shop, right? 146 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:15,960 LAUGHTER 147 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,120 We'd fly to Reykjavik, we'd travel around. 148 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,600 It's beautiful, wonderful. 149 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,080 Anyway, I was recommending it to John. I got home, 150 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,280 "I've recommended it to John in the car. He's not having it." 151 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,640 "Not interested, no interest." "What, never going to go?" 152 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,120 "No, not having it." Why? Because he loves his food, 153 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,880 and his favourite thing in the world is seafood, right? 154 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,000 Loves his prawns, calamari, shrimp, all that. 155 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:35,680 Fair enough. But John reckons you can't 156 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,760 get fresh seafood anywhere in Iceland, right? 157 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,160 You can. He's a fucking idiot. 158 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,920 LAUGHTER 159 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,800 It's an island, for a start, right? So it's surrounded by the sea, 160 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:48,880 which is one of the best places you can get for seafood, isn't it? 161 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,480 Well-known for it, isn't it, the old sea? 162 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,160 But this is his theory. 163 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,800 Cos there's always a theory, right? 164 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,920 I call it John logic. And it doesn't matter 165 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,200 what batshit theory he's coming out with, 166 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:04,080 there's always some logic in there somewhere. 167 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,840 This is his theory. John reckons the sea around Iceland is so cold 168 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,160 that the local fishermen can only 169 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,200 catch frozen prawns, right? 170 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,320 LAUGHTER 171 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:18,000 Yeah, welcome to my world. 172 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,600 That's what I had to put up with, months of this shit. 173 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:24,360 I'm in the car. I'm in the back, he's in the front, the radio's on. 174 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,560 I thought, Maybe I've missed something, you know, 175 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,560 maybe something's got lost in translation. 176 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:29,920 I said, "Are you saying, John, 177 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:34,160 "are you saying, then, that frozen prawns live?" 178 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,480 Cos that's the crux of the argument, isn't it? 179 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,440 "Cos if you're saying that frozen prawns are alive 180 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:41,840 and well and living in the sea around Iceland." 181 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,920 "But of course they are. How else would they survive?" 182 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,520 LAUGHTER 183 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,640 I said, "How does a frozen prawn survive?" 184 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,040 He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "If a prawn freezes, John, 185 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:52,720 "how the fuck does it go about the business of life?" 186 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,720 So you know what he said? He said, "They're used to it. 187 00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:55,960 "They're born frozen." 188 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,560 LAUGHTER 189 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:01,720 Of course, the whole family's there, there's Mum, 190 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,120 there's Dad, they're all... 191 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,280 Of course. I said, "Can they move and swim?" 192 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,400 He said, "I don't think so, the ice is too thick." 193 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:09,440 LAUGHTER 194 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,120 So they're just sat there, are they, 195 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:13,800 staring out of a block of ice 24 hours a day, 196 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,000 it's not a fucking great life, is it? 197 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,760 LAUGHTER 198 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,280 I said, "Can they eat?" He said, "Of course they eat. 199 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,280 "Everything's got to eat." I was like, "What can they eat? 200 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,880 "They're frozen solid!" He's like, "Well, they eat 201 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,240 "other frozen stuff." "Like what - peas?" 202 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:28,680 LAUGHTER 203 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,040 "Findus Crispy Pancakes? 204 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:35,120 "What are they having tonight, John? What are you talking about?" 205 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,680 "Other frozen stuff." 206 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,160 I'll cut to the end, right? I said, "Here's a question for you, 207 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,160 "John. Here's a hypothetical question." 208 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,480 And this is the perfect example of John logic. 209 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:48,040 I can't give you a better example of how John's mind works 210 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,080 than this. I said, "OK, John, let's assume you're right, OK? 211 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,920 "All right, fair enough, let's go with it, 212 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,920 "let's run with your idea. Let's say I go to the supermarket, 213 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:58,520 "and I buy a bag of frozen prawns, and I get them home, 214 00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:00,080 "and I put them in my freezer at home. 215 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,440 "Are you saying, then, John, hypothetically, 216 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,840 "in theory, at least, 217 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:07,600 "those prawns could still be alive in there?" 218 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,720 He went, "Not in a bag, they'd suffocate." 219 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,360 LAUGHTER 220 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,040 Do you see what I mean about the logic, though? 221 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,160 That's the logic! That's what winds me up. 222 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,160 We just used to sit in the car, just bickering, fighting, 223 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,760 arguing. I'm quite an argumentative little shit, 224 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:26,520 I quite enjoyed it. But he's worse than me. 225 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:28,760 We used to argue about stuff we agreed about! 226 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,560 LAUGHTER 227 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,920 George Michael, we both like George Michael. And a song came on. 228 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,680 This must be, I'm going back, this must be, like, February, 229 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:40,920 March, 2017. So George Michael died, if you remember, 230 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,600 Christmas Day, 2016. Do you remember that? 231 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,280 This song came on the radio. We argued. 232 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,680 See which side of this argument you would be on. 233 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:49,960 And by the way, a quick heads-up. 234 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,040 If you're on John's side, get your coat and piss off. 235 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,720 LAUGHTER 236 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,520 I'll set out our respective positions in the argument, 237 00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:59,520 and you can decide whose side you're on, right? 238 00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:03,720 I was saying, "No, it's not," and John was saying, 239 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:04,960 "Yes, it is," right? 240 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,160 And the argument was whether it was really ironic 241 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,840 that George Michael had died last Christmas. 242 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,560 Have a little think, have a little... 243 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,720 ..if anybody's thinking, "John's got a good point", 244 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:18,480 Get your coat and piss off home now. 245 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:21,280 Seriously, I was like, "It's not ironic at all." 246 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,480 He's like, "You don't get it, Rhod, you don't get it." 247 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,840 "He died last Christmas, he had a song called Last Christmas." 248 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:28,360 I was like, "I get it, John. 249 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:31,360 I'm not an idiot, mate. I see what you've done there." 250 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,040 It's not ironic. 251 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:37,400 At most, it's a bit of a coincidence that he died at Christmas, 252 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,000 and he had a song about Christmas. 253 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,360 That's it, mate. 254 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,440 He's like, "Yeah, but he died LAST Christmas, Rhod!" 255 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:44,880 I was like, 256 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:48,720 "I know he did, John, but only because we're talking about it now." 257 00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:51,040 "If we were having this conversation this time next year, 258 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,640 "he'll have died the Christmas before last, won't he? 259 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:57,200 "He won't always have died last fucking Christmas, John, 260 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,920 "that's the point." 261 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,120 God, if you're looking for ironic ways for George Michael to... 262 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:06,000 ..if somebody left a whisper at the top of the stairs 263 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,720 and he slipped arse over tit, 264 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,920 fallen down ten flights of stairs, 265 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,440 I'd accept that was bloody ironic, wouldn't you? 266 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,520 If he'd gone to the bar in Club Tropicana 267 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:17,600 expecting free drinks all evening, 268 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,920 then got hit with a massive bill at the end of the night, 269 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,320 and had a fucking heart attack and keeled over. 270 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,160 If he'd been round at a friend's house using their sunbed, 271 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,840 and the friend promises to wake him up before he goes to work, 272 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,400 the friend forgets and leaves him under there all day. 273 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:33,720 Comes home in the evening, 274 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,280 there's just a sticky pair of Speedos melted on the... 275 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,480 If he'd said he was never going to dance again... 276 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,000 ..he says, "I'm never going to dance again, you hear me?". 277 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,040 And everyone's like... 278 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,400 ..but then he goes on a cruise. 279 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:49,040 He goes on a cruise, he's in the disco, he's up on deck. 280 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,280 He can't help himself, the music's too good. 281 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,360 He starts dancing and he joins in in all the fun. 282 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,080 He's in a conga and everyone's going, 283 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:56,960 "You said you were never going to dance again, 284 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,400 "George Michael, you lying bastard." 285 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,880 He's like, "Fuck off, it's only a conga. It doesn't count." 286 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,080 And then he stands on somebody's foot, doesn't he? 287 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,400 Oh, God, now he feels guilty! 288 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,120 His guilty feet have got no rhythm. 289 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,880 His guilty feet have got no rhythm. 290 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,320 And he dances straight off the side of a ferry. 291 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:17,520 I mean, it's more unusual than ironic, I get that. 292 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,760 The only way...the only way I would accept 293 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,560 it was ironic... I've got to be very strict on this, Cardiff. 294 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,680 The only way I would accept it was ironic 295 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:27,040 that George Michael died last Christmas is if, right, 296 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,920 and it's quite a big "if", 297 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:32,000 but if he'd been on the organ donation register, yeah, 298 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,480 and then when he died, he'd given his heart to somebody else. 299 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,480 And then the very next day, 300 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:39,760 and it's got to be the very next day, mind... 301 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,560 HE JABBERS 302 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,200 ..not a few days later or the following week, no way. 303 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,920 It's got to be Boxing Day or nothing. 304 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:50,200 That person dies and gives George Michael's heart to a third party. 305 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,440 That's the only way. 306 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,240 Yeah. Wham! Take it or leave it. 307 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,040 You could give him any subject, 308 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:07,280 pick any subject in the world at random, 309 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,520 he'd know fuck all about it. 310 00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:11,240 Give him a penny for his thoughts on any subject, 311 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:13,120 you'd get about £8 change. It was a good deal. 312 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:19,720 And he'd been like...he'd been like this since he was a kid. 313 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:20,960 As far as I could...he... 314 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,480 ..John used to tell me stories 315 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:25,000 about him and his brother growing up, right? 316 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,160 They were haunting. 317 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,440 He said, no, I don't mean...I don't mean ghost stories. 318 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,200 I mean, you know...you know when somebody's... 319 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,000 ..you know when somebody tells you something 320 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,920 and it puts an image in your head and you think, 321 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,760 "That is going to be with me for a very long time." 322 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,480 It's like, you know, when they die... 323 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,560 ..when you die, they say your life flashes before you. 324 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,840 I don't think mine will, I think I'll get bits of John's life. 325 00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,800 See how long this image stays with you, right? 326 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,560 See how long this image stays with you. 327 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,120 John told me that, as kids, 328 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,080 him and his brother used to love playing Connect 4, right? 329 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,560 That was one of their favourite games, Connect 4. Fair enough. 330 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:54,800 But they hadn't realised 331 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,000 you could close that little thing on the bottom. 332 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,680 You can have that. That's yours to keep, that is, that image. 333 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:13,320 That...that's a free image, like a bonus image that comes with... 334 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,080 ..that's yours to do with what you want, now. 335 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,400 Honestly, whenever you're feeling down or a bit depressed 336 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,760 in the future, forget drugs or antidepressants. 337 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,120 Just pop that image in your head, 338 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,480 see if it doesn't give you a little lift straight away. 339 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:25,720 That could easily be one... 340 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:27,560 ..that could be one of the last things I see. 341 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,960 Just two little kids surrounded by counters. 342 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,760 "Who do you think's won this one, John?" 343 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:38,680 "Those two are quite close there." 344 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,960 Well, some of you quite like him now, I can feel it happening. 345 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,000 You can cut that shit out. 346 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:49,000 You think he sounds quite sweet? He's not. 347 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,520 He's an irritating little shit, that's what you need to remember. 348 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:53,360 And I knew he was going to be irritating 349 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:54,520 from the very first day I met him. 350 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,960 Not even the first day, the first conversation. 351 00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:58,480 He was already annoying, right? 352 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,840 He didn't know who I was, you know? 353 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:03,440 And that's not why I found him irritating. 354 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,760 All right, maybe it is a bit. Yeah, whatever! 355 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,640 Maybe it is a bit. 356 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,680 He didn't know anything about me or who I was or what I did. 357 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,000 Nothing. I think he was expecting some corporate client. 358 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,040 He was there with a clipboard and everything. 359 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,240 This is...pretty much the first thing he said...he went...he went... 360 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:21,880 "Oh, Mr Gilbert, I see you spell your first name R-H-O-D" 361 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,400 I said...I went, "Yeah". 362 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,960 And he went, "Well, how would you like me to spell it?" 363 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,240 I was like... 364 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:31,880 .."The same? I can correct it, if you want. 365 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:33,680 "It's not a problem, it's no bother. 366 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,760 "I can put R-O–D on the forms, not a problem." 367 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,240 I'm like, "You're not correcting my name, you twat." 368 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:41,680 He's like, "All right, then, you're the boss, you're the boss." 369 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,880 It's got nothing to do with being the boss, it's my fucking name! 370 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,640 I'm not...I'm not insisting you spell my name wrongly 371 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,640 because I'm on some kind of weird power trip. 372 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,080 "You're the boss." He used to do that to me all the time. 373 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,080 You know, when somebody... He would never admit he was wrong, 374 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,160 and that was his way out of every argument. 375 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,680 If he was losing an argument, he was like, "You're the boss." 376 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,320 Drives you up the bloody wall. 377 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,680 But he made me laugh. He made me laugh, I've got to remember that. 378 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:08,400 That's why I'm here. That's why we're here. 379 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,200 He did make me laugh, right? He did, he did. 380 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:11,600 Not on purpose, not once. 381 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:12,960 But... 382 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,000 ..he never made me laugh, deliberately, 383 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,000 by actually saying something funny. 384 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,560 Just by being a twat, he made me laugh. 385 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,600 Like, even when I had this stroke thing, you know, this mini stroke, 386 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:25,200 his reaction to that is in the book. I'll tell you now. 387 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:26,880 He was...he was furious, right? 388 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:30,040 I was a bit freaked out by this stroke I had. John is furious. 389 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,200 So I was on the toilet when it happened, 390 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,200 which doesn't make it any easier to explain when you get to hospital. 391 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:36,800 You try walking into hospital going, 392 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,360 "I've had a stroke on the toilet." See how far you get. 393 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:47,240 This is... I work with the Stroke Association now, right? 394 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:48,600 Trying to raise awareness of stuff. 395 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,200 And one of the things I've learnt is that strokes are... 396 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,400 ..they're unique, they affect everybody differently, right? 397 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,240 Everybody experiences something different. 398 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,520 This was mine. 399 00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,920 I'm on the toilet, sat there, minding my own business, 400 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,800 this is the first thing that happened. 401 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,640 This arm goes up in the air like that 402 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:07,200 and starts waving at absolutely nobody for about two minutes, 403 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:11,280 with me going, "What the fuck are you doing? Who are you waving at?" 404 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,200 "What the fucking hell are you... 405 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,120 "..there's nobody here, man. What the fuck?" 406 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,640 I was like...then my face sort of collapsed and froze, 407 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,400 which is more like what you read about. 408 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:20,480 Now I'm going, 409 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,560 "Don't attract attention to yourself looking like this." 410 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,640 Then my side froze, and I ended up on the floor, right? 411 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,200 This is what the pain...if it's pain... 412 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,240 ..it felt like my brain had got caught in a zip 413 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,640 and I ended up in the right place, right? 414 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:39,080 I ended up in hospital in a stroke clinic. It's called a TIA. 415 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:42,280 A transient ischaemic attack, is the posh word. 416 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,560 It's when the blood stops flowing to the brain, 417 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:45,960 which is what a stroke is, you know? 418 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,800 So they established that very quickly, 419 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:48,960 but then they're trying to find out 420 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,600 if there's any underlying health problem that caused it, right? 421 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,560 So I was in and out of hospital for a year, 422 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,560 I couldn't drive for any of this time, 423 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,160 which is why I hired John in the first place. 424 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,560 And every brain scan...it was very thorough. 425 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:04,320 You know, every brain scan...MRI scans, CAT scans, CT scans, 426 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:07,520 on and on and on it went for a year. 427 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:11,120 And then after a year, it was all very dramatic. 428 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:12,360 They went, "Mr Gilbert... 429 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:18,160 "..we finally got all your results. I think you better sit down." 430 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:22,040 And I sat down and I said, "Why? 431 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,600 "What is it? You can tell me," 432 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,960 and he said, "No idea." 433 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:34,360 And I said, "Thanks very much, I'll see myself out." 434 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,520 So they didn't know, right? After all this stuff. 435 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,440 So they knew I'd had a stroke, but they didn't know why 436 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,360 or if there's any underlying health problem. 437 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,920 They don't know, which left me feeling a bit weird, right? 438 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,720 You've got no...you know, conclusion. 439 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:45,920 You don't know what's happened. 440 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,720 But John is fucking furious, right? 441 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,040 This is a long conversation, 442 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:53,520 so strap in. Cos he wants to know all about it 443 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:54,880 and I can't tell him, right? 444 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,680 He's going, "What was it? What was it, then?" 445 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,240 I said, "I don't really know, John." 446 00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,440 He said, "Well, what did they say?" 447 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:02,000 I said, "Well, they said the blood stopped flowing to my brain." 448 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,680 He said, "Well, do they know why?" 449 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,240 I said, "Not really. Lifestyle, I suppose." 450 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:08,960 I said, "Oh, they said to think of it as a warning stroke." 451 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,040 John - "What was it warning you about?" 452 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,560 Me, "It was warning me that I could... 453 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,480 "..I could be I could be heading for a stroke." 454 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:17,680 John - "That's fucking pointless, 455 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,640 they should have warned you earlier." 456 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:21,960 Who's they? 457 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,680 He said, "The doctors. What's the point of warning you 458 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,520 "that you're heading for a stroke when you've just had it? 459 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:26,680 "They should have warned you." 460 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,360 I was like, "It's not literally a warning." 461 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:30,440 "They don't... 462 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,880 "..they just call it a warning stroke because one in three people 463 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:37,120 "who have this then go on to have a full-blown permanent stroke." 464 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:38,560 John, "You didn't." 465 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,040 Give me a fucking chance, mate. I've only just had this. 466 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,880 I'll go and have it now if it makes you feel better, John. 467 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:46,160 I said, 468 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,040 "Anyway, while this makes it more likely I'll have a permanent stroke, 469 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,800 "there's things I can do, you know? There's steps I can take." 470 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,040 "We can all take, isn't it?" 471 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:54,720 "You know, we can all do the right thing." 472 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,480 I said, "I can cut down on the booze." 473 00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,200 "You know, I can...I can start exercising, 474 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,160 "all the usual healthy, life stuff." 475 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:03,160 He's smoking throughout this conversation, by the way. 476 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:05,400 He's puffing away the whole time, right? 477 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,920 So I said...so I said, "Well, I've given up smoking. 478 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,560 "At least I've given up smoking but it did take me years to give up, 479 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,280 "so maybe the damage is already done, who knows, right?" 480 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,640 And John went, "Did you used to smoke then, Rhod?" 481 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,560 I said, "Yeah, I think that's partly why 482 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:22,040 "it took me so long to give up, John, yeah." 483 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,440 Me - "Fuck, I could have this show written by tonight." 484 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,040 John - "What show?" 485 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,480 Me - "Fuck! Did I say that out loud? Sorry, mate." 486 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,320 One of the most confusing conversations of my life. 487 00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:33,640 Strap in for this, 488 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,800 this is one of the most confusing 20 seconds of my life, 489 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:38,640 John said, "So do you think smoking caused your stroke, Rhod?" 490 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,760 I went, "I dunno, really, John. 491 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,760 "Part of me does, part of me doesn't. I'm 50/50, I suppose." 492 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,480 John - "What's that got to do with it?" 493 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:46,840 Me - "Sorry?" 494 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,240 John - "What's that got to do with it?" 495 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,320 Me - "What's not going to do with what?" John - "You're 50/50." 496 00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,080 Me - "I know I am, I just told you that." 497 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,680 John - "What's that got to do with it?" 498 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,520 Me - "What?" John - "What's that got to do..." 499 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,120 "What the fuck are you asking me?" 500 00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,520 John - "..I'm asking you what your eyesight's got to do with it." 501 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:01,000 I was like, "It's not... 502 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:05,800 "It's not my eyesight, it's percentages! 503 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,120 "50/50. I'm not talking about my eye, I'm talking about..." 504 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,920 He says, "I can't do percentages, we never did percentages." 505 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,280 I said, 506 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,560 "You don't need to be Archimedes for this one, mate, do you?" 507 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,600 "It's the same number on both sides, John. 508 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:20,320 "50% of me thinks my stroke was down to smoking, 50% of me doesn't." 509 00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,800 John - "Which do you think it was, then?" 510 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,480 "I don't fucking know, John, do I? I'm 50/50", 511 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,000 that's what it... 512 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,480 "All right. You're the boss." It's not about being... 513 00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,640 ..well, he hasn't even said "the thing is" yet. 514 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,400 We haven't even got to the best bit. 515 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:36,960 Oh, we haven't even got...he went, 516 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,600 "The thing is, Rhod...the thing is, 517 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,520 "I don't even think cigarettes themselves are that bad for you." 518 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,960 I was like, OK, come on then, Twat-o-pedia, let's have it! 519 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,560 Listen, get ready. 520 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,560 Get ready for John's unique insights, 521 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,000 John's unique insights into the dangers of cigarettes. 522 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:54,640 This is going to blow your minds, this. 523 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,120 If you're not sitting down, sit down. 524 00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:57,200 This is going to blow... 525 00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,160 ..you're going to wish I told you this years ago, right? 526 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,480 John - "I don't think cigarettes themselves are that bad for you. 527 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,080 "It's only when you smoke them they're really bad." 528 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:07,840 Well! 529 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,080 Well, who knew, hey, ladies and gentlemen? 530 00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:13,000 Why don't they put that on the pack? 531 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,920 Why doesn't it say that on the pack? 532 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,240 I know it says smoking kills, 533 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,200 but it doesn't tell you if you don't smoke them, 534 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,480 it's a lot better for you. 535 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,360 Why don't they tell you these things? 536 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:26,920 I can't do this any more, John. 537 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,640 No, I can't. I can't go through this any more. 538 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:33,120 He made me laugh, though. 539 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:34,560 He did make me... 540 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,720 ..no, he did! No matter what I was going through. 541 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:39,000 He did. He cheered me up, there's no getting away from it. 542 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:41,800 He cheered - even about trying for kids and failing to have kids. 543 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,800 He even made me laugh about that. 544 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,760 I'm 53, I will say it before somebody shouts out, 545 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:47,080 I have left it late. 546 00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:49,560 In my defence, I haven't left it quite this late. 547 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,880 You know, we've been trying for a long time. 548 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,640 Partly, as a bloke, I've got more excuses. 549 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:54,720 Partly, as a bloke... 550 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:57,320 ..nobody ever tells you about the male body clock, do they? 551 00:22:57,360 --> 00:23:01,200 All we see is Mick Jagger banging out another kid every 15 minutes. 552 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,360 We all think we can go on forever, don't we? 553 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,320 I guess I think it comes down to... this is what it comes down to, 554 00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:08,920 I think, is... 555 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,000 ..the main reason I've not had kids 556 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:14,240 is because I'm scared that I won't be a good parent. 557 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:16,960 I've got no confidence that I would be a good parent 558 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,280 because I don't know how I'd go, because I'm not a confident person. 559 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,960 You see me up here, you probably think I'm a confident person. 560 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,640 I'm not at all, you know? I know it looks like it. It's not. 561 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,640 I did a documentary a few years ago about shyness and social anxiety, 562 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,920 because I've struggled with it all my life. 563 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,360 I don't know how I do this. I can't make sense of it either. 564 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:33,680 Perhaps part of me thinks, 565 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:35,480 "What if I get a kid like I was, 566 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:39,080 "who's twisted-up and anxious and refuses to go to school 567 00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:41,560 "because he feels sick every morning?" 568 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,560 Or worse, worse, what if I get a confident kid? 569 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:45,800 Yes! 570 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,680 What if I get a kid with high self-esteem? 571 00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:52,280 Christ, you've got to nip that in the bud, haven't you? 572 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:54,800 Jesus, God. 573 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,120 So...so, you know...so we...so we didn't... 574 00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,600 And then we did. And then we thought, 575 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,600 no, we decided we do want kids, years ago. 576 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:03,000 I don't know, ten years ago or whatever. 577 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,160 And so we started trying for kids and... 578 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,480 ..and something about that phrase, "trying for kids" - 579 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,200 It's such a weird...if you tell people you're trying for kids, 580 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,840 the conversation goes one of two ways, right? 581 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,480 Either people assume you're having difficulties 582 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:18,040 or, and this is especially true of like a group of lads, 583 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,880 they assume that you were having the time of your life trying. 584 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:22,440 Have you ever had this? 585 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,680 You tell a group of lads in the pub you're trying for kids, 586 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,040 it's like a Carry On film. 587 00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:27,800 You'd say, "We're trying for kids". 588 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,000 It's like, "Ooh!". 589 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:32,600 "Ooh, you dirty bastards! 590 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,680 "Ooh, you must be shagging - like sex on tap!" 591 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:36,880 "Ooh, you lucky...!" 592 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:39,080 "I remember when me and the wife were trying. 593 00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:41,240 "We were shagging every night. Every night. 594 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,000 "Twice again the next morning, we'd be shagging again. 595 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:45,560 "I was going home at lunchtime. 596 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:46,960 "She'd text me in her lunch hour, 597 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,200 "I'd go home and we'd fuck each other at lunchtime. 598 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,240 "We were shagging in shops and restaurants. 599 00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:55,000 "She fucked me in Argos, once, in the queue. I was..." 600 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,920 "..we stopped the traffic on a zebra crossing 601 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:00,800 "and she fucked me and I fucked her. 602 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,920 "She pushed a cyclist off his bike, and he fucked both of us, 603 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,920 "and the lollipop man shoved his thing up her arse! 604 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,120 "The cyclist was..." 605 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,840 I'm exaggerating a bit, all right? 606 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:19,320 "..ooh! Ooh! Trying for kids!" 607 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:22,360 "Ooh, those were the days, remember?" 608 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,320 What they didn't realise was trying for kids at the time - 609 00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:27,680 trying for kids, for me and my wife at that point, 610 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,640 meant me ejaculating into a little pot. 611 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:32,720 Then, there was an exciting 20 minutes 612 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,560 while we waited for it to liquify. 613 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:40,960 Then a doctor sucked it into a syringe. 614 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:44,040 Using a syringe, not a straw. He's old-school, you know, so... 615 00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,360 There are all sorts of barriers now to us having children. 616 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,480 You know, my wife...my wife's got this...this condition, this... 617 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:01,920 ..this endometriosis that can affect fertility, you know? 618 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,760 And I'm 53, my sperm are not what they were. 619 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,360 This is the male body clock that nobody ever talks about. 620 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:09,560 The male body clock? Nobody... 621 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:12,360 ..give us a cheer if you've got issues with your sperm. 622 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:13,960 SILENCE 623 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:15,000 LAUGHTER 624 00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:19,120 Let me tell you, that does not fit the national statistics. 625 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:21,960 There's two theories. 626 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:25,120 Either you're especially fertile here in the Cardiff area, 627 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:26,720 or you're lying bastards. 628 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:28,720 And I know which one I'm going with. 629 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:30,960 I know it's not just me because, you know... 630 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:32,280 ..some of you will know this - 631 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:35,840 I did a documentary, last year, about fertility, 632 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:38,600 male fertility and infertility, so I know the facts. 633 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:39,960 I know how many... 634 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,360 It's half... In the couples experiencing difficulties, 635 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:46,680 it's...half of it is the men, it's just as likely to be the man. 636 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:49,680 You would never get that impression, would you? From the way we behave. 637 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:52,560 We put the woman through...we put the woman through everything. 638 00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:53,760 The men don't talk about it. 639 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:55,320 It's a mess, you know? 640 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,200 And everybody suffers, don't they? 641 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,320 You know, and I know it's not just me. 642 00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:02,560 Like, the statistics I've read when I was doing this documentary - 643 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:04,640 sperm counts across the entire Western world, 644 00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:06,440 which, as far as I know, includes Cardiff, 645 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:08,600 I'll check when I get in... 646 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:12,840 ..they've dropped by 60% in the last 40 years, 647 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,920 so I know it's not just me and maybe one other person. 648 00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:17,360 There's loads of us. 649 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,360 Some of you are too young, I get that, you're too young. 650 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:21,120 And you're the people I'm trying to reach, right? 651 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,480 Because there's no warning. 652 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:23,640 There's no little red light 653 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:26,120 that comes on the side of your balls when you're running low. 654 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:30,160 You won't get a letter from British spath telling you your spunk... 655 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,920 ..they're going to cut your supply off at the end of the month. 656 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:36,520 My new catchphrase is, 657 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:39,200 "Problems with your sperm? You won't see them coming!" 658 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,720 Good, innit? Everyone needs a catchphrase. 659 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:47,480 So we've gone down the fertility treatment route, 660 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,440 like many of you will, you know? 661 00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:52,400 And we've tried everything, you know? 662 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:55,400 Artificial insemination, IVF. We tried absolutely everything. 663 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,480 Nothing's worked, sadly, but, you know, 664 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,640 I know it's 100 times worse for my wife. 665 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:00,800 Of course it is. 666 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,280 All I have to do, really, is give a sample, right? 667 00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:05,280 And that is bad enough, that is mortifying enough. 668 00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:06,760 I have to give this... 669 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:08,640 ..so basically I give a sample and then they try... 670 00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:10,440 And most of these techniques, 671 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:13,120 they try and maximise the chances of... 672 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:16,360 ..of your sperm fertilising your partner's egg, so that, 673 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:18,360 you know, they take my sperm and they... 674 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,320 ..they clean it up, basically. 675 00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:23,280 You know, they....they comb its little hair, 676 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:24,960 and they polish its shoes, 677 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:27,160 and straighten its little tie, 678 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:31,760 and send it off out into the world with the best-possible life chances. 679 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:34,240 Sort of like private school for jizz, really. 680 00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:38,680 Yeah. Eton mess, I call it. It's... 681 00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:40,240 HE LAUGHS 682 00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:43,120 Don't clap that joke, please, mate. 683 00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:45,680 No, please don't clap it. 684 00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:47,800 Honestly, I think that's the first joke I've ever written 685 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:49,320 that I'm simultaneously quite proud 686 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:51,680 but mainly deeply ashamed of, you know? 687 00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:55,000 Talking of shame... 688 00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:57,200 ..talking of shame, we go to this clinic. 689 00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,160 I'm ashamed and I'm embarrassed, and I'm... 690 00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:00,480 ..because I'm a man. 691 00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:02,280 I'm pathetic, and I'm... 692 00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:04,520 ..you know, my wife's fine, but then... 693 00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:06,480 ..but then the women, they're all chatting. 694 00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:07,720 They're all chatting away. 695 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:12,120 They keep in touch and they send each other articles about fertility. 696 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:13,720 The men is a very different story. 697 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,000 The men, we're all sat there with a form and a pot on our lap, 698 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:19,040 just staring at the ground, 699 00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:22,640 hoping the hospital will get hit by a meteor at any second. 700 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:24,360 Because we're emotionally immature. 701 00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:27,520 We're not...we're not equipped to deal with our feelings. 702 00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:30,480 It's too tied up with our sense of virility, isn't it? 703 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:31,760 Our manhood. 704 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:35,680 You know, pathetic macho shit about how much of a man we are, you know? 705 00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:37,960 And can you imagine what it's like for me, right? 706 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:41,040 Offstage, I'm a very, very shy person, right? 707 00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:43,120 Quite self-conscious, a bit awkward and stuff. 708 00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:46,160 I'm sitting there in the clinic with all these other people, 709 00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:48,680 with my form and my pot, 710 00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:52,320 and some people clearly recognise me, right? 711 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:55,200 Can you imagine these people nudging each other 712 00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:56,960 and pointing and whispering. 713 00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:58,320 I'm dying inside. 714 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:00,520 I told my wife, "I'm dying," she's like, 715 00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:02,960 "Oh, get over yourself, get over yourself." 716 00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:04,320 "It's not all about you." 717 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:06,880 This is what she said, "Maybe it's worse for them." 718 00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,120 It's like, how the fuck can it be worse for them? 719 00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:11,080 She said, "Well, maybe it's not what you think. 720 00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:12,760 "Maybe they're pointing at you, going, 721 00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:14,560 "Oh, my God, it's that bloke off the telly. 722 00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:16,680 "It's that bloke off the TV. What's-his-name off the TV. 723 00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:18,840 "What if he talks about...what if he sees me? 724 00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:22,600 "What if he talks about me on TV? What if he talks about me onstage?" 725 00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,440 Rest assured, Steve Fletcher from Maidenhead.... 726 00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:32,080 ..I would not do that, Steve. 727 00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:35,080 Your secret is safe with me, sir. 728 00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:37,240 It's the first rule of wank club. 729 00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:42,360 What comes in the clinic... 730 00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:46,280 ..stays in the clinic. 731 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:49,920 It's not. 732 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:52,000 It's not the first rule of wank club. 733 00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:55,360 The first rule of wank club is whisper your name 734 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:57,880 at reception, Steve, you fucking idiot. 735 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,200 I don't know if it's worse for them or worse for me. 736 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:08,000 I don't know what they're going through, but I know 737 00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:09,240 what I'm going through. 738 00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:10,920 And this is...this will give you some idea 739 00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:12,960 of how embarrassing it is for me when I'm sat there, right? 740 00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:14,480 I have been confused 741 00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:16,200 with another Welsh comedian, 742 00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:19,520 called Rob Brydon, hundreds of times. 743 00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:21,560 Hundreds and hundreds of times 744 00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:23,840 people have confused me with Rob Brydon. 745 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:25,360 And all I know is in that clinic 746 00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:28,120 is the only time I didn't correct them, I'll tell you that. 747 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:37,400 I just want to tell you this one thing John said, 748 00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:39,840 because, you know I said he could put an image in your head 749 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:41,360 that would last you a lifetime? 750 00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:43,240 AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, God. "Oh, God!" 751 00:31:44,560 --> 00:31:46,080 I'm afraid so, sir. 752 00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:47,640 Check this one out, mate. 753 00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:50,080 I came out of there, I'd been giving a sample, 754 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:52,160 John said, "How did it go?" I said, "Don't ask. 755 00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:54,560 "Please, just don't ask. Honestly, John. Seriously, don't ask." 756 00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:57,240 He went, "OK, Rhod. No problem, understood, say no more. 757 00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:58,720 "Why? What happened?" 758 00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:05,120 I said, "The most humiliating thing I've ever done in my life, John. 759 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:06,640 "That's what just happened." 760 00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:08,120 John - "Why? What happened?" 761 00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:11,680 I said...I said, 762 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:14,280 "Because we're all sat there, John. 763 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:17,760 "All the men feeling totally emasculated, 764 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:22,560 "angry, confused, guilty, worried, not knowing what happens next 765 00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:24,560 "if you can't give the person you love 766 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:26,600 "the one thing they now want most in the world. 767 00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:29,200 "We're all just sat there, not wanting to talk to anybody 768 00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:31,880 "and not knowing who we'd talk to, even if we did want to. 769 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:35,960 "We're all just sat there, John, staring at the ground 770 00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:38,800 "and waiting to masturbate into a little pot." 771 00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:41,760 John - "Wow, that is humiliating. 772 00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:45,520 "All into the one pot?" 773 00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:13,720 You know, the first time I ever went to this clinic, 774 00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:14,960 the first time... 775 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,240 ..because the first time you go to the clinic is the worst, right? 776 00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:19,040 The first time you go is the worst time, 777 00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:20,680 and then it doesn't get any better. 778 00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:22,160 Does that make any sense to you? 779 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:23,920 It's bloody... Yes! 780 00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:25,480 ..somebody, voice of experience, 781 00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,000 "Yes, it does." Isn't it? 782 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:29,120 Because you don't know what you're doing. 783 00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:31,640 I assumed that when you go to a fertility clinic 784 00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:35,200 to discuss the most intimate, private aspects of your life, 785 00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:37,320 I assumed the person working on the reception desk 786 00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:39,280 would keep their fucking voice down. 787 00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:43,040 That was my first... You'd assume, wouldn't you? 788 00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:46,960 Surely... LOUDLY: "There'll be magazines down there for you." 789 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:49,760 I'm this far away, I'm like, 790 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:52,480 "Shut the fuck up, mun, there's people listening!" 791 00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:54,160 LOUDLY: "There'll be magazines!" Honestly! 792 00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:56,520 And, also, I thought, "Does she mean porn?" 793 00:33:57,560 --> 00:33:58,960 I hadn't thought about that. 794 00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:02,200 Isn't that a bit weird, there's porn in a hospital? 795 00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:03,840 Because what are the ethics of that? 796 00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:05,160 It's a bit. Isn't it a bit weird 797 00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:06,800 that some of our taxes are going to pay 798 00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:08,800 for sticky copies of Razzle and... 799 00:34:10,200 --> 00:34:12,400 All these questions were going through my head, 800 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:13,720 but I didn't ask her. 801 00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:16,160 I was too embarrassed, I wanted to get the whole thing over with. 802 00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:17,600 But then she's going on and on. 803 00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:19,600 She's asking me all these questions because, 804 00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:22,040 you know, and all the things in the fertility, 805 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:23,560 male fertility world, 806 00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:26,640 all the conditions have got weird names, right? 807 00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:29,840 Things like azoospermia and oligospermia. 808 00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:32,960 it sounds like I'm making them up for comedy purposes, but... 809 00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:35,800 ..so she's shouting, "We'll be testing you." 810 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:37,480 I'm a metre away from her, 811 00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:39,800 "We'll be testing you for azoospermia." 812 00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:42,240 She's practically moving me to one side 813 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:45,440 so that she can reach the rest of the hospital, right? 814 00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:47,600 "We'll be testing you for... 815 00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:51,120 "..stand aside, here, they can't hear me in X-ray. 816 00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:52,800 "In fact, let's do this properly. 817 00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:54,320 "Let's get this window open. 818 00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:56,840 "Oyez! Oyez! 819 00:34:56,880 --> 00:35:01,440 "Azoospermia tests on this bloke today, oyez! Roll up!" 820 00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:06,040 Because it's so normal to them, isn't it? 821 00:35:06,080 --> 00:35:08,880 It's so alien to you, you know? It's your first time. 822 00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:10,400 You don't know what's going on. 823 00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:11,920 But this is how she described... 824 00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:14,080 Cos I'd never heard of azoospermia, right? 825 00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:16,360 This is how she described it to me. 826 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:19,760 And I think - this is word for word, how she described it to me. 827 00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:22,120 I think this description is very useful 828 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:25,120 in understanding the condition of azoospermia. 829 00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:28,600 But I would argue that a little bit, you know, in her day-to-day job, 830 00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:32,000 I think a little bit of tact has gone missing somewhere. 831 00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:33,440 I'll tell you what she said, 832 00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:36,640 and you see if you can spot where I think the tact has gone missing. 833 00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:39,280 She said, "We'll be testing you for azoospermia today. 834 00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:43,160 "Azoospermia is when there's no sperm at all in the ejaculate, 835 00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:45,560 "so you might ejaculate perfectly normally, 836 00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:47,800 "but there'll be no sperm at all in it." 837 00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:50,040 She said, "Just think of a river with no life in it." 838 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:55,160 Well, did you spot it? Did you spot it, some of you? 839 00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:56,600 A little bit of tact. 840 00:35:56,640 --> 00:35:58,560 What the fuck is that? 841 00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:00,880 "A river with no life in it." 842 00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:04,320 Also, I've got this thing. I've got this thing which, 843 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:06,720 for the purposes of this show, I will call "Rhod's Law", right? 844 00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:09,520 I've nicked sod's law and tweaked it, obviously. 845 00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:11,240 Sod's law is a rule that says... 846 00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:14,640 ..you know, the worst possible thing will always happen or something. 847 00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:17,360 Rhod's Law, as I'm defining it, is a rule that says, 848 00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:19,520 whenever I get really nervous and shy and embarrassed 849 00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:23,800 and uncomfortable, I make a total dick of myself, right? 850 00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:26,280 Because I try and deal with it with humour. 851 00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:27,720 You know, a lot of us do this. 852 00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:29,600 If you're feeling nervous and embarrassed, you think, 853 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:32,760 "If I can just make a little joke, if I can make everybody laugh, 854 00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:35,480 "then all the tension will evaporate and everything will be OK." 855 00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:37,760 But what happens to me is, because I'm feeling nervous, 856 00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:40,200 the joke that comes out will inevitably be 857 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:42,600 the most offensive, inappropriate thing. 858 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:45,400 I try and stop myself, and then I say it anyway. 859 00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:47,680 That's what happens. This is what was happen... 860 00:36:47,720 --> 00:36:49,880 She said...she said, "Think of a river with no life in it." 861 00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:51,760 I went, "River Phoenix." 862 00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:53,320 I couldn't help it. 863 00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:54,960 I know, I know! I couldn't help it. 864 00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:56,440 I'm not proud of it. 865 00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:59,800 I tried to stop myself, it just came out. 866 00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:02,280 I couldn't stop it, I'm nervous. HE JABBERS 867 00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:05,720 Oh, it gets a lot worse than this! Strap in, Christ's sake. 868 00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:08,080 Because she's going on into more and more detail. 869 00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:10,320 I'm dying there, I'm getting more and more embarrassed. 870 00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,400 She's going, "Oh, we're testing the number of your sperm." 871 00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:14,240 I'm like, "Please shut up." 872 00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:16,240 "We'll be testing the number of your sperm 873 00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:18,040 "to see how many million you produce 874 00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:20,080 "and all the motility or mobility. 875 00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:22,400 "We must look at the mobility of your sperm 876 00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:23,880 "to see if they're good little swimmers." 877 00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:25,240 Rhod's Law kicked in again. 878 00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:28,440 I went, "Oh, they're not, they're not good little swimmers. I know that." 879 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:30,320 She said, "Why? Have you had these tests before?" 880 00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:32,240 And I said, "No, but I had a wank in the bath once, 881 00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:34,640 "and they stuck to me like glue, so I know they don't like water." 882 00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:40,600 "Is this some kind of joke? 883 00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:42,400 "Is this some kind of sick joke?!" 884 00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:44,720 To which I should've said, "Of course it's a fucking joke! 885 00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:47,040 "I'm nervous and embarrassed. I'm trying to be funny. 886 00:37:47,080 --> 00:37:48,160 "And it's..." 887 00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:49,640 That's not how Rhod's law works. 888 00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:51,840 It's a progressive condition, isn't it? 889 00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:53,200 It spirals downwards. 890 00:37:53,240 --> 00:37:54,720 The more embarrassed I get, 891 00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:57,840 the more offensive and inappropriate I become, unfortunately. 892 00:37:57,880 --> 00:38:00,120 That's what... She said, "I this some kind of joke?" 893 00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:01,920 I should have said yes. I went, "No, it's not at all. 894 00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:03,000 "It's not a joke at all. 895 00:38:03,040 --> 00:38:05,360 "I had exactly the same problem in the swimming pool. 896 00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:06,600 "I was exactly... 897 00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:08,520 "I was in the leisure centre" 898 00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:09,760 "Oh, the swimming pool! 899 00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:11,040 "What are you doing in this swimming pool?" 900 00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:12,800 I said, "Well, I thought if my sperm could see 901 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,800 "all the other kids swimming around, it might give them confidence. 902 00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:19,400 "Might give them confidence to leave the mothership." 903 00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:22,160 "Well, go on, get in the pool with the other kids. 904 00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:24,680 "Don't stick to me, don't stick to me. 905 00:38:24,720 --> 00:38:27,800 "Get in the pool, get in the...get in the pool. 906 00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:29,680 "Get in there, get in there." 907 00:38:30,720 --> 00:38:33,520 "Don't stick to me. Don't be shy. Play with the other kids. 908 00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:34,680 "Swim. Swim!" 909 00:38:34,720 --> 00:38:36,320 She said, "There's other kids there?" 910 00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:37,920 I said, "It's splash club Sunday mornings. 911 00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:39,000 "It's their busiest time." 912 00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:41,320 She said, "Well, where was the manager?" 913 00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:42,560 I said, "She was in the Jacuzzi 914 00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:45,600 "trying to get the jizz off the kids. 915 00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:48,600 "She was making it worse. They were lathering up the kids. 916 00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:53,200 "The kids are frothing up. It's like a toddler foam party now. 917 00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:56,720 "The kids are crying. The parents are crying." 918 00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:03,120 The sample rooms downstairs on the right. 919 00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:05,360 Off you go! Get out of here. Get out of here! 920 00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:08,880 The sample rooms...then you've got to do the walk of shame 921 00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:12,680 past all the other couples with your form in your pot like that. 922 00:39:12,720 --> 00:39:13,960 Everyone knows where you're going. 923 00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:16,800 You might as well just announce it. "I'm just off for a wank." 924 00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:20,880 I feel like a contestant on a game show going, 925 00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:22,000 "See you after the break!" 926 00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:27,240 Half expected the floor to revolve with me still on it. 927 00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:29,760 Blank blank. Blankety blank. 928 00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:36,120 You get in this room, you're so self-conscious. 929 00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:38,240 Everybody watching you, like a shit game of tennis. 930 00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:39,560 Like just watching you. 931 00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:41,480 Watching you going down, and then you get in this room, 932 00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:42,880 I was so relieved to be in there. 933 00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:45,240 You're practically leaning against the door. 934 00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:46,800 So relieved to be in there, you know. 935 00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:48,840 But then there's the other side, you can hear people chatting, 936 00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:50,960 nurses chatting about their weekend. 937 00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:52,160 It's the most natural thing. 938 00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:54,440 How are you supposed to get it on in there? 939 00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:56,240 There's people... And then I had a quick look, 940 00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:58,400 there's magazines. I couldn't see any porn. 941 00:39:58,440 --> 00:40:01,040 I thought it was a bit weird. There'd be porn in a hospital, 942 00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:02,400 you know, but then... 943 00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:03,720 But straight away, this is the other thing, 944 00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:04,800 things you've thought about, 945 00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:06,600 things you haven't thought about, straight away, 946 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:08,040 I'm in there. I'm so relieved to be in there. 947 00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:09,120 But straight away I'm thinking, 948 00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:10,400 how long am I supposed to be in here? 949 00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:14,240 How long is this supposed to take?! 950 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:16,520 They've all seen me come down. There's a massive clock on the wall. 951 00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:18,080 They're all going to see me come back out. 952 00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:22,240 They're all going to know exactly how long it takes me. 953 00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:23,560 Now I'm overthinking it, 954 00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:25,840 because you can't just come out three hours later going, 955 00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:30,320 "Sorry, I was watching Gladiator. I don't know where the time went." 956 00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:32,880 They're gonna know exactly... Now I'm overthinking it. 957 00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:34,040 I think if I come out too quickly, 958 00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:36,440 it looks like I've got premature ejaculation, doesn't it? 959 00:40:36,480 --> 00:40:37,560 Yeah, but if I take too long, 960 00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:39,200 they'll think I've got erectile dysfunction. 961 00:40:39,240 --> 00:40:40,440 What am I going to do? 962 00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:41,680 Excuse the pun, 963 00:40:41,720 --> 00:40:43,720 I'm between a rock and a hard place here, aren't I? 964 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:48,440 And the pot is...the pot's another thing I hadn't thought about. 965 00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:51,240 I'd be sitting upstairs with this pot for maybe half an hour. 966 00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:52,320 I'm looking at it now. 967 00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:54,640 Now it comes to the crunch - is perhaps the wrong word - 968 00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:57,160 but, you know, now I'm looking at this pot. 969 00:40:57,200 --> 00:40:58,680 I don't know much about hospitals, right? 970 00:40:58,720 --> 00:41:02,960 But if somebody has designed that pot specifically for semen samples, 971 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:07,120 then, well, that person is either wildly optimistic 972 00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:08,200 or maybe John's right, 973 00:41:08,240 --> 00:41:09,640 and it goes in the middle of the room 974 00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:11,280 and everybody has a fucking crack on it. 975 00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:16,120 Well, maybe I've got the wrong age group. 976 00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:17,960 Maybe I've got the 18 to 24 pot. 977 00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:19,880 That's the other possibility. 978 00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:21,160 Maybe there's been an admin error 979 00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:23,360 and they've given me the youngsters pot. 980 00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:25,240 I haven't got the 50-year-old man pot. 981 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:26,480 I know that much. 982 00:41:26,520 --> 00:41:28,200 A 50-year-old man pot is essentially flat. 983 00:41:28,240 --> 00:41:30,160 It's just a saucer, isn't it? 984 00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:33,680 It's true. Any 50 year old man in this room will tell you, 985 00:41:33,720 --> 00:41:35,360 if you do manage to ejaculate these days, 986 00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:36,440 so little comes out, 987 00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:38,240 it barely warrants throwing the tissue away. 988 00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:39,480 Let's face it. 989 00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:42,280 It's not a foregone... 990 00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:44,080 I've put them back in the box before now! 991 00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:47,400 A couple of minutes on the radiator, folded nicely. 992 00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:49,440 What the fuck, gonna go back in the morning... 993 00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:50,600 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 994 00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:53,520 "Waste not. Want not." That's what my grandmother said. 995 00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:57,920 Not about this specifically. Admittedly, she wasn't talking... 996 00:41:57,960 --> 00:41:59,880 Oh, we all remember the teenage years. 997 00:41:59,920 --> 00:42:01,200 I remember being a teenager, 998 00:42:01,240 --> 00:42:04,520 grabbing as much toilet roll, banging the toilet roll 999 00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:06,040 and wrapping it around your arms 1000 00:42:06,080 --> 00:42:09,200 to clear up the terrible mess you've made. 1001 00:42:09,240 --> 00:42:12,120 Now I just tear the corner off one sheet 1002 00:42:12,160 --> 00:42:16,680 and just separate the ply first, let's not waste it. 1003 00:42:16,720 --> 00:42:19,840 Just...dab the top. 1004 00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:24,560 It's like wiping sleep out of a cat's eye. 1005 00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:32,320 It's true! You feel like a vet, man! "Stay still, stay still. 1006 00:42:32,360 --> 00:42:34,760 "Stay still, stay still. There, that's got it. 1007 00:42:34,800 --> 00:42:36,480 "That's got it. Come and have a treaty. 1008 00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:39,360 "Come and have a treaty. Come and have a treaty. Come on." 1009 00:42:41,240 --> 00:42:44,640 You know, there's a question on the form, right? 1010 00:42:44,680 --> 00:42:47,480 It says, "Did you get it all in the pot?" 1011 00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:50,240 It's an important question, so they know how much you produce. 1012 00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:51,720 But the first time I saw that, 1013 00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:53,880 that's your chance to lie right there. 1014 00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:55,000 Did you get it all in the pot? 1015 00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:56,880 "Christ, no. This is nothing. This is just some leftovers. 1016 00:42:56,920 --> 00:42:58,320 "Don't worry about this. 1017 00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:00,440 "Don't even go down that sample room. 1018 00:43:00,480 --> 00:43:02,440 "It's like spring break down there. 1019 00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:04,480 "Don't even go down there without a wide brimmed hat, 1020 00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:07,800 "or a beekeeper's outfit or some waterproof over-trousers. 1021 00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:09,040 "It's carnage down there. 1022 00:43:09,080 --> 00:43:10,720 "This is just some drips I managed to get 1023 00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:12,240 "coming back down off the ceiling. 1024 00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:13,600 "That's all this is. 1025 00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:15,760 "Sperm-densation I call this. 1026 00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:16,960 This is nothing! 1027 00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:19,160 "I just ran this around the walls after. 1028 00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:20,240 "That's all this is." 1029 00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:23,600 Well, it's embarrassing, isn't it? 1030 00:43:23,640 --> 00:43:24,920 It's embarrassing! 1031 00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:28,280 It goes to the heart of who you are as a man, isn't it? 1032 00:43:28,320 --> 00:43:30,000 Directly related to how much of a man you are, 1033 00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:32,480 how much you produce. 1034 00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:34,320 I come from Carmarthen, man. 1035 00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:37,720 It's a hard drinking, hard fighting, hard drinking, 1036 00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:39,120 hard fighting rugby town, 1037 00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:42,200 where men are men and women are men and pets are men, 1038 00:43:42,240 --> 00:43:45,840 and babies are men, and children are men and dogs are men. 1039 00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:48,800 If you can't jizz a milk bottle off a wall at 200 yards, 1040 00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:50,520 you can't even get a job in the council. 1041 00:43:56,440 --> 00:43:58,480 I managed a bit. 1042 00:43:58,520 --> 00:44:01,880 I managed a bit under very difficult circumstances. 1043 00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:05,240 I managed a little bit, and then I couldn't find where to put it. 1044 00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:07,280 I got it in the pot. I don't mean that. 1045 00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:09,440 I got it in the pot. I don't mean, I mean, 1046 00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:11,280 I couldn't find where to put the pot. 1047 00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:12,840 She said something about a hole in the wall 1048 00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:14,400 where you're supposed to put this thing. 1049 00:44:14,440 --> 00:44:16,800 I was only half listening. I was stressed as shit. 1050 00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:19,040 I can't find this thing to put the bloody thing. 1051 00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:21,280 Now I'm thinking, "Oh, God, I've been down here too long." 1052 00:44:21,320 --> 00:44:24,440 I'm gonna have to go back up, past all the other couples. 1053 00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:26,280 I can't leave the fucking thing. 1054 00:44:26,320 --> 00:44:28,000 And I've got the... 1055 00:44:28,040 --> 00:44:30,400 I said, "I can't find the hole to put this in." 1056 00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:31,840 She's like, "Is this another one of your jokes?" 1057 00:44:31,880 --> 00:44:34,560 I was like, "No! The hole in the wall. 1058 00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:36,240 "You said there'd be a hole in the wall, 1059 00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:37,520 "except I can't find the hole." 1060 00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:39,520 And she's like, "Oh, come with me." 1061 00:44:39,560 --> 00:44:42,640 So now I've got to go back past everybody again. 1062 00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:44,680 "Just off for another one, 1063 00:44:44,720 --> 00:44:46,000 "with this lady!" 1064 00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:49,960 We get down there, and, sure enough, it's there. 1065 00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:52,240 It's there in the corner. There's a little like a cubby hole, 1066 00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:54,760 almost like a safe on the wall with a handle. 1067 00:44:54,800 --> 00:44:56,680 And she puts it in there and we label it up, 1068 00:44:56,720 --> 00:44:59,560 and off it goes with the forms, and it's going into the system. 1069 00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:02,240 And I'm starting to come down a bit. I'm starting to relax. 1070 00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:03,440 It's gone in there. 1071 00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:05,520 Now, I hadn't even...I don't know how I'd miss 1072 00:45:05,560 --> 00:45:08,120 this bloody hatch thing, but I'm looking around the room, 1073 00:45:08,160 --> 00:45:10,400 I've been so stressed out I hadn't even seen 1074 00:45:10,440 --> 00:45:12,600 there's a TV up in the corner 1075 00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:16,040 with a row of pornographic DVDs on a shelf. 1076 00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:19,160 There's a drawer with the word "magazines" written on it 1077 00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:21,480 and two or three pornographic magazines. 1078 00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:24,720 I'd completely...I'd been so... In fact, I'd be so stressed out, 1079 00:45:24,760 --> 00:45:27,200 I hadn't realised that this is a very different looking room 1080 00:45:27,240 --> 00:45:28,760 to the one I've just done my sample in. 1081 00:45:38,480 --> 00:45:41,360 I said, "What is this room?" She said, "This is the sample room." 1082 00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:43,560 I said, "No, it's not." She said, "Yes, it is." 1083 00:45:43,600 --> 00:45:45,240 I said, "Well, this isn't the one I was in." 1084 00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:48,240 She said, "It must be." I said, "It's not, it's nothing like..." 1085 00:45:48,280 --> 00:45:50,280 I said, "Where are all the magazines?" 1086 00:45:50,320 --> 00:45:51,360 She said, "They're in the drawer." 1087 00:45:51,400 --> 00:45:53,200 I was like, "Not those, the ones on the table." 1088 00:45:53,240 --> 00:45:54,880 She said, "What table?" 1089 00:45:54,920 --> 00:45:56,760 I said, the table with all the magazines 1090 00:45:56,800 --> 00:45:58,240 and the chairs round the side. 1091 00:45:58,280 --> 00:46:00,200 And she said, 1092 00:46:00,240 --> 00:46:02,840 "Why would we have chairs round the side of a sample room?" 1093 00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:05,520 I said, "I don't know, why wouldn't you have chairs round the side?" 1094 00:46:05,560 --> 00:46:06,640 Oh, shitting hell! 1095 00:46:07,880 --> 00:46:09,960 Shit, shit, shit! Of course you wouldn't have chairs. 1096 00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:11,040 I said, "What have I done?" 1097 00:46:11,080 --> 00:46:12,840 "You've had a wank in the waiting room by the sounds of it." 1098 00:46:16,680 --> 00:46:17,960 Two doors down! 1099 00:46:19,040 --> 00:46:21,080 Two doors, and somebody put a sign up now. 1100 00:46:21,120 --> 00:46:23,440 That sign was not there. "Waiting room." 1101 00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:25,160 How the fuck did I miss that? 1102 00:46:25,200 --> 00:46:26,680 Waiting room, you can't miss it. 1103 00:46:26,720 --> 00:46:28,840 I said, "This is where I did it." 1104 00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:32,120 And she said, "There's not even a lock on the door." 1105 00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:34,720 I was like, "I was stressed to shit. I didn't know..." 1106 00:46:34,760 --> 00:46:36,080 She said, "Was anybody in here?" 1107 00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:38,640 I said, "Of course there was nobody in here!" 1108 00:46:38,680 --> 00:46:40,000 I'm not a monkey! 1109 00:46:40,040 --> 00:46:41,840 What the fuck?! Of course there was nobody... 1110 00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:44,200 Oh, yeah, it was really busy. It was packed, actually! 1111 00:46:44,240 --> 00:46:46,560 I just went in the corner. I don't think anybody minded. 1112 00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:49,000 "Talk amongst yourselves, please." 1113 00:46:52,760 --> 00:46:54,400 "Anybody watching the Crown?" 1114 00:46:57,400 --> 00:46:58,520 Disgusting. 1115 00:46:59,560 --> 00:47:01,560 "Of course there was nobody in here! 1116 00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:03,840 "You said the room with magazines." 1117 00:47:03,880 --> 00:47:05,840 She said, "Those are just for friends and family 1118 00:47:05,880 --> 00:47:07,280 "while they're waiting." 1119 00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:09,320 I was like, "I used those! 1120 00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:11,200 "I used Tanya's face from EastEnders, 1121 00:47:11,240 --> 00:47:12,680 "from the front of Take a Break." 1122 00:47:14,520 --> 00:47:17,280 "I used the vaulter old woman's body." 1123 00:47:17,320 --> 00:47:18,960 She said, "Who's the vaulter old woman?" 1124 00:47:19,000 --> 00:47:21,040 I said, "Oh, it's an advert for the pain relief gel. 1125 00:47:21,080 --> 00:47:25,280 "She's just a headless, faceless torso with shoulder pain." 1126 00:47:25,320 --> 00:47:26,680 "Oh, you masturbated to a headless, 1127 00:47:26,720 --> 00:47:28,880 "faceless torso with shoulder pain, did you?" 1128 00:47:28,920 --> 00:47:30,840 I said, "No, I put Tanya's head on the top. 1129 00:47:30,880 --> 00:47:32,480 "I've just told you that." 1130 00:47:32,520 --> 00:47:34,680 "Oh, I'm sure Tanya will be very flattered." 1131 00:47:34,720 --> 00:47:37,600 "I'm not trying to flatter Tanya! 1132 00:47:37,640 --> 00:47:38,840 "I'm just trying to tell you what happened. 1133 00:47:38,880 --> 00:47:40,400 "It wasn't my fault. One thing led to another. 1134 00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:41,480 "We met in the Queen Vic. 1135 00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:43,200 "We got on well, we had a few drinks. 1136 00:47:43,240 --> 00:47:46,160 "She said she had a bad shoulder. She asked me to give her a massage. 1137 00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:48,480 "The next thing I know, we were on the floor by the fruit machine. 1138 00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:50,640 "Ian Beale is egging us on. 1139 00:47:50,680 --> 00:47:53,160 "It's partly his fault. 1140 00:47:53,200 --> 00:47:56,280 "Her and Max haven't been getting on." 1141 00:47:56,320 --> 00:47:57,440 "Her and Max? Her and Max?" 1142 00:47:57,480 --> 00:48:00,720 I said, "Max Branning, her husband from the car lot!" 1143 00:48:00,760 --> 00:48:02,640 She's like, "Well, when did you last watch EastEnders?" 1144 00:48:02,680 --> 00:48:04,000 I was like, "I don't know, a few years ago. 1145 00:48:04,040 --> 00:48:06,400 "What the fuck's that got to do with it?" 1146 00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:08,560 She said, "You're a bit behind." 1147 00:48:08,600 --> 00:48:10,080 I was like, "Am I?" 1148 00:48:10,120 --> 00:48:12,960 Oh, God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't realise that. 1149 00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:14,440 I didn't realise...I thought the main problem here 1150 00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:16,560 was I've just had a wank in a communal waiting room 1151 00:48:16,600 --> 00:48:18,800 with no lock on the door and a fucking great window onto 1152 00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:20,280 a side street that I've just spotted. 1153 00:48:20,320 --> 00:48:21,640 But, oh, no. Oh, no. 1154 00:48:21,680 --> 00:48:24,640 The main issue is my EastEnders references are out of date. 1155 00:48:24,680 --> 00:48:27,120 Well, I'm sorry, I'll watch the omnibus the next time 1156 00:48:27,160 --> 00:48:28,240 I come in for a tug! 1157 00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:32,120 She said, "Mr Bryden, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." 1158 00:48:36,120 --> 00:48:37,360 I ran out of there. 1159 00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:40,680 I ran out of that. 1160 00:48:40,720 --> 00:48:44,040 Have you ever dived through a car window like a cop? 1161 00:48:44,080 --> 00:48:46,440 Me neither. But I got in quickly, right? 1162 00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:48,600 I got in this car. I said, "John, put your foot down. 1163 00:48:48,640 --> 00:48:50,360 "Put your foot down. Just..." John, "Which foot?" 1164 00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:53,240 I said, "Just drive, you prick. Just drive! 1165 00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:56,520 "Get us out of here," I said. "Get me out of here, John. 1166 00:48:56,560 --> 00:48:58,600 "That receptionist is not happy." 1167 00:48:58,640 --> 00:49:01,560 He said, "Are you all right, Rhod? You look pale." 1168 00:49:01,600 --> 00:49:03,840 I said, "Yeah, well, ironically, that took a lot out of me." 1169 00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:06,960 John, "What do you mean, ironically?" 1170 00:49:08,080 --> 00:49:10,720 I said, "Well, in reality, it was barely a teaspoon." 1171 00:49:11,920 --> 00:49:13,560 John, "I thought they gave you a pot." 1172 00:49:16,240 --> 00:49:17,480 I was like, "They did give me a pot." 1173 00:49:17,520 --> 00:49:18,920 He's like, "Well, why did you use a teaspoon? 1174 00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:20,280 "No wonder she's not happy with you. 1175 00:49:20,320 --> 00:49:22,440 "I wouldn't be happy if you used my teaspoon!" 1176 00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:26,080 "Do you know what I did, John? Yeah, I did, actually. 1177 00:49:26,120 --> 00:49:28,160 "It's her own fault. She should have been more specific. 1178 00:49:28,200 --> 00:49:29,960 "She didn't tell me not to use her cutlery, 1179 00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:33,400 "so I just shuffled back upstairs with my trousers around my ankles 1180 00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:35,880 "and tipped her coffee in the bin and jizzed into her teaspoon. 1181 00:49:35,920 --> 00:49:37,160 "What's the problem there?" 1182 00:49:37,200 --> 00:49:39,160 Squeezed the drips into her glasses case 1183 00:49:39,200 --> 00:49:40,920 and then wipe myself off on the back of her head. 1184 00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:43,560 What's all that fuss about? What's all the fuss about? 1185 00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:45,960 She's got to expect stuff like that working in a place like this. 1186 00:49:46,000 --> 00:49:47,040 What do you expect?! 1187 00:49:48,440 --> 00:49:52,920 Of course, I used the pot, John! But I used it in the wrong room. 1188 00:49:52,960 --> 00:49:56,600 John, "Which room?" I said, "The bloody waiting room." 1189 00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:57,800 John, "Was anybody in there?" 1190 00:49:57,840 --> 00:49:59,080 "No, oOf course there were nobody in there! 1191 00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:00,520 "Will you stop asking me that?" 1192 00:50:03,560 --> 00:50:05,440 And then I thought, actually, I don't even know why I'm panicking. 1193 00:50:05,480 --> 00:50:07,280 Calm down. Technically, it wasn't even me. 1194 00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:08,360 It was Rob Brydon. 1195 00:50:10,320 --> 00:50:13,360 "Rob Brydon, not Rob Brydon. What was he doing in there?" 1196 00:50:13,400 --> 00:50:16,560 I said, "He was masturbating in a communal waiting room." 1197 00:50:16,600 --> 00:50:19,000 "What? The pair of you?" "No, not the pair!" 1198 00:50:19,040 --> 00:50:22,240 "I wasn't there, I wasn't there!" 1199 00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:27,000 Forget about me. It was just him. It was just Rob Brydon. 1200 00:50:27,040 --> 00:50:29,760 I think this is the most random thing Jhon's ever said to me. 1201 00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:32,560 I think this is the most random thing anyone's ever said to me. 1202 00:50:32,600 --> 00:50:34,000 John, "Was you on a cruise?" 1203 00:50:37,720 --> 00:50:38,760 "Oh, yeah, yeah. 1204 00:50:39,920 --> 00:50:41,560 "Yeah, I think he was. Yeah, yeah. 1205 00:50:42,960 --> 00:50:46,680 "Yeah, yeah. One of these new PandO wanking cruises they do." 1206 00:50:48,520 --> 00:50:50,000 Yeah, I think they were having a quick one there, 1207 00:50:50,040 --> 00:50:52,680 then it was off to Cyprus for a couple I think. 1208 00:50:52,720 --> 00:50:54,680 I forget, and I think then they're off to the Caribbean 1209 00:50:54,720 --> 00:50:56,960 for three weeks nonstop masturbating in the sand. 1210 00:51:03,320 --> 00:51:04,440 Do you remember at the start of the show? 1211 00:51:04,480 --> 00:51:05,960 I was on a train. I said I wasn't coping. 1212 00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:08,880 My mum is dead. My dad's in hospital with a heart attack. 1213 00:51:08,920 --> 00:51:10,000 I can't drive 1214 00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:12,680 cos I've had this stroke thing, and I'm on public transport, 1215 00:51:12,720 --> 00:51:13,760 going back and forth to Wales, 1216 00:51:13,800 --> 00:51:15,640 trying to sort my mother's funeral out. 1217 00:51:15,680 --> 00:51:17,920 I'm not coping very well. The reason I wasn't coping is because, 1218 00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:20,720 well, choose whatever letter of the alphabet you like. 1219 00:51:20,760 --> 00:51:23,120 I'm a Z-list celebrity, you know. 1220 00:51:23,160 --> 00:51:26,320 I get recognised sometimes, and being in the public eye is fine. 1221 00:51:26,360 --> 00:51:29,760 You would never normally complain about being in the public eye. 1222 00:51:29,800 --> 00:51:31,520 It makes life easier in many ways. 1223 00:51:31,560 --> 00:51:34,720 But sometimes you don't want to be in the public... 1224 00:51:34,760 --> 00:51:36,680 Well, there's two times, I can think of 1225 00:51:36,720 --> 00:51:38,800 two very specific occasions 1226 00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:40,600 where you don't want to be in the public eye. 1227 00:51:40,640 --> 00:51:42,200 One is when you're on a train 1228 00:51:42,240 --> 00:51:44,120 and you're grieving and your mum's just died, 1229 00:51:44,160 --> 00:51:45,640 and you're on the phone to a funeral director 1230 00:51:45,680 --> 00:51:46,920 and you're trying to sort out things, 1231 00:51:46,960 --> 00:51:49,080 and then groups of pissed-up lads want selfies 1232 00:51:49,120 --> 00:51:50,600 and they won't take no for an answer, 1233 00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:52,640 and they lift you out of your seat and you start crying, 1234 00:51:52,680 --> 00:51:54,280 and then they start videoing you crying, 1235 00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:55,600 and then they send it around to their mates, 1236 00:51:55,640 --> 00:51:57,560 and then they drop you back in your seat, 1237 00:51:57,600 --> 00:52:00,080 walk off laughing and tell you you're funny, you're on TV. 1238 00:52:00,120 --> 00:52:01,480 LAUGHTER 1239 00:52:01,520 --> 00:52:04,400 That's one. It's quite specific, I realise that. 1240 00:52:04,440 --> 00:52:05,800 And then the other one is 1241 00:52:05,840 --> 00:52:07,560 when you've just had a wank in a communal waiting room. 1242 00:52:07,600 --> 00:52:09,200 LAUGHTER 1243 00:52:09,240 --> 00:52:10,560 So my agent said, 1244 00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:13,360 "I think we should take you out of this situation and get you 1245 00:52:13,400 --> 00:52:15,520 "a driver for a while." And I was like, "Yes, please!" 1246 00:52:15,560 --> 00:52:18,600 And that's what we did. And she booked John. 1247 00:52:18,640 --> 00:52:20,600 And, yeah, it was a good call. Fair play. 1248 00:52:20,640 --> 00:52:22,000 LAUGHTER 1249 00:52:22,040 --> 00:52:23,920 Although it's John's job, 1250 00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:27,920 John was supposed to be taking me to my mother's funeral, right? 1251 00:52:27,960 --> 00:52:30,160 It didn't quite work out that way, right? 1252 00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:31,640 Have you ever had the giggles at a funeral? 1253 00:52:31,680 --> 00:52:33,760 You know when your body doesn't know what to do with grief, 1254 00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:35,000 it's a nervous thing, isn't it? 1255 00:52:35,040 --> 00:52:37,240 I thought, honestly, genuinely thought I was 1256 00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:39,880 going to piss my pants on the way to my mother's funeral. 1257 00:52:39,920 --> 00:52:44,440 Fully piss my trousers. We had the news on, right? 1258 00:52:44,480 --> 00:52:46,360 HE LAUGHS 1259 00:52:46,400 --> 00:52:49,200 It's not even a funny story! We had the news on, 1260 00:52:49,240 --> 00:52:52,680 we were listening to the news, and horrible story, right? 1261 00:52:52,720 --> 00:52:56,080 In America, in California, somewhere, a man's head. 1262 00:52:56,120 --> 00:53:00,080 Just a head, just a severed, decapitated head 1263 00:53:00,120 --> 00:53:02,000 had turned up on a beach in California, 1264 00:53:02,040 --> 00:53:04,000 right, horrible story. But on the news, 1265 00:53:04,040 --> 00:53:08,360 the police released some details about this man...head. 1266 00:53:08,400 --> 00:53:10,800 One of the details the police released was 1267 00:53:10,840 --> 00:53:13,800 that this man had shoulder-length hair, right? 1268 00:53:13,840 --> 00:53:16,440 LAUGHTER 1269 00:53:21,120 --> 00:53:22,280 Why is that funny? 1270 00:53:24,480 --> 00:53:27,880 John said, "How do they know he had shoulder-length hair?" 1271 00:53:27,920 --> 00:53:29,080 It's a good question. It's amazing 1272 00:53:29,120 --> 00:53:31,160 what these forensics can do these days. 1273 00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:34,520 It's amazing. Don't ask me. It was zipped up in a bag, 1274 00:53:34,560 --> 00:53:37,400 the head was zipped up in a sports bag, 1275 00:53:37,440 --> 00:53:39,520 which John felt was suspicious. That was another thing, 1276 00:53:39,560 --> 00:53:41,840 John watches a lot of true crime. 1277 00:53:41,880 --> 00:53:44,240 Apparently, it's very difficult to zip your own head into a bag. 1278 00:53:44,280 --> 00:53:45,640 I didn't know these things. 1279 00:53:45,680 --> 00:53:48,280 I didn't know that. But John watches a lot of true crime. 1280 00:53:48,320 --> 00:53:52,040 Very difficult to zip your own head into a bag, apparently. 1281 00:53:52,080 --> 00:53:54,480 But this is the bit that blew John's mind, right? 1282 00:53:54,520 --> 00:53:56,120 You know I said he could put an image in your head 1283 00:53:56,160 --> 00:53:58,840 that will last you a lifetime? If I die with this image, 1284 00:53:58,880 --> 00:54:02,160 if I die with this image in my head, I will die a happy man. 1285 00:54:02,200 --> 00:54:03,680 The confusion on John's face. 1286 00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:06,760 And I could only see this much of it. 1287 00:54:06,800 --> 00:54:08,240 I could only see that, that's 1288 00:54:08,280 --> 00:54:10,640 all I could see in the rear-view mirror. 1289 00:54:10,680 --> 00:54:13,040 Just that, that's all I could see, but that was enough. 1290 00:54:13,080 --> 00:54:14,960 And it was clumsy wording. 1291 00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:18,000 It was unfortunate wording on the news, I grant you, 1292 00:54:18,040 --> 00:54:20,600 because the corpse's feet had been found... 1293 00:54:22,840 --> 00:54:25,760 ..and I quote, "A short walk down the beach." 1294 00:54:25,800 --> 00:54:28,360 LAUGHTER 1295 00:54:43,040 --> 00:54:46,560 The look on John's...the confusion, 1296 00:54:46,600 --> 00:54:48,760 silent confusion on his face, though. 1297 00:54:48,800 --> 00:54:51,160 Presumably trying to work out how these feet 1298 00:54:51,200 --> 00:54:53,280 had got out of the bag and made their way... 1299 00:54:53,320 --> 00:54:55,560 LAUGHTER 1300 00:54:55,600 --> 00:54:58,720 And at the end, it said, 1301 00:54:58,760 --> 00:55:00,880 "The police are looking on the missing persons database." 1302 00:55:00,920 --> 00:55:03,560 John went, "Well, that's a waste of time. He's not missing, 1303 00:55:03,600 --> 00:55:05,120 "he's in the bag!" 1304 00:55:05,160 --> 00:55:06,640 LAUGHTER 1305 00:55:06,680 --> 00:55:10,280 He's in the bag! "Come on, you, you're wasting police time. 1306 00:55:10,320 --> 00:55:13,240 "We thought you were missing. Get out of there. Mucking us about. 1307 00:55:13,280 --> 00:55:15,840 "Get your feet, we're going home. Come on, they're only down here." 1308 00:55:15,880 --> 00:55:17,600 LAUGHTER 1309 00:55:17,640 --> 00:55:20,640 "And we'll stop at the hairdressers as well, you scruffy git!" 1310 00:55:20,680 --> 00:55:22,720 LAUGHTER 1311 00:55:23,840 --> 00:55:25,560 HE LAUGHS 1312 00:55:25,600 --> 00:55:27,760 I thought I was going to... 1313 00:55:27,800 --> 00:55:29,920 Well, he made me laugh for about three minutes, anyway, 1314 00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:31,720 if I'm honest. Then he pissed me off again, right? 1315 00:55:31,760 --> 00:55:34,120 Normal service was resumed three minutes later, 1316 00:55:34,160 --> 00:55:36,600 he pissed me off again. He pissed me off again cos something else 1317 00:55:36,640 --> 00:55:38,640 you should know about John is he couldn't drive, 1318 00:55:38,680 --> 00:55:40,360 that was the other thing. 1319 00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:42,360 I mean, he had a licence, he could operate a vehicle, 1320 00:55:42,400 --> 00:55:44,600 he was allowed to drive, but he had no sense of direction, 1321 00:55:44,640 --> 00:55:46,000 he couldn't use his sat nav. 1322 00:55:46,040 --> 00:55:47,880 As a driver, he was useless, useless. 1323 00:55:47,920 --> 00:55:52,960 And every day, he would get us lost, and I put up with it, you know. 1324 00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:54,840 But not today, it's my mother's funeral. 1325 00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:56,800 I want to get there early and sort stuff out. 1326 00:55:56,840 --> 00:55:58,320 And he's getting us more and more lost, 1327 00:55:58,360 --> 00:56:00,080 and we're getting later and later, and I'm getting more 1328 00:56:00,120 --> 00:56:02,400 and more stressed and agitated in the background. 1329 00:56:02,440 --> 00:56:03,600 This is an important detail. 1330 00:56:03,640 --> 00:56:06,800 We're doing motorway speeds down the M5. 1331 00:56:06,840 --> 00:56:10,120 I'm calming down in the back. I'm just thinking about life, 1332 00:56:10,160 --> 00:56:12,880 thinking about everything, all the stuff that's happened. 1333 00:56:12,920 --> 00:56:15,880 John asks me if I'm OK and I told him I was feeling a bit weird, 1334 00:56:15,920 --> 00:56:19,360 and then I was talking about the stroke thing hanging over me, 1335 00:56:19,400 --> 00:56:22,280 the fact they'd never found out if there's any underlying 1336 00:56:22,320 --> 00:56:26,000 health problem. And he went, "Oh, I know exactly what you mean." 1337 00:56:29,280 --> 00:56:31,960 I said, "What?" He said, "I know exactly what you mean." 1338 00:56:32,000 --> 00:56:33,960 I said, "What are you talking...?" 1339 00:56:34,000 --> 00:56:35,480 He said, "Your stroke thing," 1340 00:56:35,520 --> 00:56:37,640 he said, "I had something very similar." 1341 00:56:40,000 --> 00:56:42,520 I said, "You've never mentioned," I said, "what, what, what?" 1342 00:56:42,560 --> 00:56:43,800 I said, "When was this?" - 1343 00:56:43,840 --> 00:56:47,840 thinking he'd say ten years ago, 20 years ago, 1344 00:56:47,880 --> 00:56:51,640 30 years ago. He went, "Oh, it must be five or six months ago now." 1345 00:56:51,680 --> 00:56:53,640 LAUGHTER 1346 00:56:53,680 --> 00:56:56,080 I said, "What was it?" He said, "Oh, I don't know." 1347 00:56:56,120 --> 00:56:57,400 I said, "Well, what did they say?" 1348 00:56:57,440 --> 00:57:00,960 He said, "I didn't go and see anyone. Driving's my living." 1349 00:57:01,000 --> 00:57:03,880 LAUGHTER 1350 00:57:03,920 --> 00:57:06,200 "They take my licence off me if they find out." 1351 00:57:06,240 --> 00:57:07,800 LAUGHTER 1352 00:57:07,840 --> 00:57:11,720 I was sitting in the back going, "Hello? Hello? What the...?" 1353 00:57:12,760 --> 00:57:14,480 I was watching him in the rear-view mirror. 1354 00:57:14,520 --> 00:57:16,600 I thought, Any second now the penny's going to drop, isn't it? 1355 00:57:16,640 --> 00:57:17,720 The penny's going to drop, 1356 00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:19,520 and he's going to realise the irony 1357 00:57:19,560 --> 00:57:21,160 that I'm paying him all this money to drive me 1358 00:57:21,200 --> 00:57:23,720 because I've had a stroke, and he's had one as well! 1359 00:57:23,760 --> 00:57:25,320 LAUGHTER 1360 00:57:25,360 --> 00:57:27,200 Nothing! He just carries on driving. 1361 00:57:27,240 --> 00:57:31,160 I said, "John, pull over right now, you can't be driving!" 1362 00:57:31,200 --> 00:57:34,240 He went like this, he went, "I can't, I'm fine. Nobody knows." 1363 00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:35,880 LAUGHTER 1364 00:57:35,920 --> 00:57:38,760 I said, "I know. I know, you know, it doesn't matter who knows! 1365 00:57:38,800 --> 00:57:41,800 I said, "You can't be driving." 1366 00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:44,000 I said, "I'll drive. Pull over. I'm going to take over. 1367 00:57:44,040 --> 00:57:45,480 "I'll bloody drive myself." 1368 00:57:45,520 --> 00:57:48,000 He said, "You can't drive, you're not allowed." 1369 00:57:48,040 --> 00:57:50,760 I thought, That's rich coming from you, isn't it? 1370 00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:52,800 "And anyway, I haven't told you this, John, 1371 00:57:52,840 --> 00:57:55,760 "but seeing as this seems to be such a great day for sharing, 1372 00:57:55,800 --> 00:57:57,520 "I've had all my results back now. 1373 00:57:57,560 --> 00:57:58,720 "And while they don't know 1374 00:57:58,760 --> 00:58:00,760 "if there's any underlying health problem, 1375 00:58:00,800 --> 00:58:02,080 "they do know there's no damage, 1376 00:58:02,120 --> 00:58:04,520 "permanent damage to the structure of my brain. 1377 00:58:04,560 --> 00:58:07,720 "So they've said I could drive again," which is absolutely true, 1378 00:58:07,760 --> 00:58:08,800 right? And this is the only 1379 00:58:08,840 --> 00:58:11,640 intelligent thing John's ever said to me, I swear to God. 1380 00:58:11,680 --> 00:58:13,280 He said, "If you're allowed to drive, 1381 00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:15,400 "why are you still paying me to drive you?" 1382 00:58:15,440 --> 00:58:16,920 LAUGHTER 1383 00:58:16,960 --> 00:58:19,120 And I said, "Cos I'm getting a shitload of material out of you, 1384 00:58:19,160 --> 00:58:21,200 "that's why!" 1385 00:58:21,240 --> 00:58:23,560 I didn't mean it. It's a horrible thing to say. 1386 00:58:23,600 --> 00:58:25,960 I just lashed out. I was angry, I didn't mean it, 1387 00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:28,880 but it did get me thinking. I was thinking, What am I doing? 1388 00:58:28,920 --> 00:58:31,880 Why am I paying this guy to drive me when I could be driving myself? 1389 00:58:31,920 --> 00:58:34,840 And I sat there and thought about it for a minute, and I came to 1390 00:58:34,880 --> 00:58:38,280 the disturbing conclusion that I must quite like him. 1391 00:58:38,320 --> 00:58:40,000 LAUGHTER 1392 00:58:40,040 --> 00:58:41,800 There's no other explanation, is there? 1393 00:58:41,840 --> 00:58:44,520 Don't get me wrong, "friends" is far too strong a word, 1394 00:58:44,560 --> 00:58:46,640 and he gets on my nerves like nobody I've ever met, 1395 00:58:46,680 --> 00:58:48,760 but we've become like a weird, odd couple. 1396 00:58:48,800 --> 00:58:50,080 LAUGHTER 1397 00:58:50,120 --> 00:58:51,160 We have. He has cheered me up. 1398 00:58:51,200 --> 00:58:52,840 He's got me through this difficult period. 1399 00:58:52,880 --> 00:58:55,440 There's more that unites than divides us, you know? 1400 00:58:55,480 --> 00:58:57,360 And I was trying to reassure him. 1401 00:58:57,400 --> 00:58:59,520 I was trying to reassure him. I was saying to him, 1402 00:58:59,560 --> 00:59:01,680 because it was really obvious to me that the reason he hadn't 1403 00:59:01,720 --> 00:59:03,360 seen anyone is cos he's scared of 1404 00:59:03,400 --> 00:59:05,440 what he'd find out, or the consequences. 1405 00:59:05,480 --> 00:59:08,840 And we all know, we can all relate to that now, especially, can't we? 1406 00:59:08,880 --> 00:59:11,280 And so I said to him, "John, you've got to get this 1407 00:59:11,320 --> 00:59:13,240 "checked out, but I'm sure you'll be fine. 1408 00:59:13,280 --> 00:59:15,280 "If you've had the same thing I've had, 1409 00:59:15,320 --> 00:59:17,640 "I'm OK, so I'm sure you'll be all right." 1410 00:59:17,680 --> 00:59:21,000 We're still doing motorway speeds down the M5, remember? 1411 00:59:21,040 --> 00:59:23,200 I said, "I'm sure you'll be OK." 1412 00:59:23,240 --> 00:59:27,800 And he went, "Well, I'm not sure. Mine was exactly the same as yours." 1413 00:59:27,840 --> 00:59:29,560 I said, "Well, it sounds very similar." 1414 00:59:29,600 --> 00:59:32,360 And he went, "Yeah, but the thing is..." 1415 00:59:32,400 --> 00:59:34,840 LAUGHTER 1416 00:59:34,880 --> 00:59:36,600 He said, "I don't know whether I should tell you this, 1417 00:59:36,640 --> 00:59:38,360 "but I've been having blackouts." 1418 00:59:38,400 --> 00:59:41,080 LAUGHTER 1419 00:59:41,120 --> 00:59:44,320 I was, like, "Pull over! Pull over right there!" 1420 00:59:44,360 --> 00:59:46,480 I was furious, I'm so pissed off with him. 1421 00:59:46,520 --> 00:59:48,960 Even now he makes me laugh, though. This is the thing, 1422 00:59:49,000 --> 00:59:51,600 I'm so pissed off. Even now he makes me laugh, cos we stop 1423 00:59:51,640 --> 00:59:54,080 the car, I get in the front, in the driver's seat, 1424 00:59:54,120 --> 00:59:56,880 put my seat belt on, ready to drive to my own mother's funeral. 1425 00:59:56,920 --> 00:59:59,400 He goes around and gets in the fucking back. 1426 00:59:59,440 --> 01:00:01,240 LAUGHTER 1427 01:00:01,280 --> 01:00:04,280 I'm, like, "That's bad enough. I'm driving, I'm paying, 1428 01:00:04,320 --> 01:00:07,000 "I'm driving. You're not sitting in the back with your feet 1429 01:00:07,040 --> 01:00:09,840 "up reading the paper, mate. Get in the front, you prick, 1430 01:00:09,880 --> 01:00:12,880 "or I'll put a little hat on for you, shall I? 1431 01:00:14,960 --> 01:00:17,200 "Get in the front!" 1432 01:00:17,240 --> 01:00:20,000 And I put him in the front. Come on! 1433 01:00:20,040 --> 01:00:22,520 And I drove to my own mother's funeral. 1434 01:00:22,560 --> 01:00:24,680 It was fine, I got there on time. It was fine. 1435 01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:27,280 The funeral was fine. And then there's a few drinks. 1436 01:00:27,320 --> 01:00:29,080 Well, everyone else is having a few drinks, 1437 01:00:29,120 --> 01:00:30,560 everybody except me, 1438 01:00:30,600 --> 01:00:32,000 cos at half-past 11, when it was 1439 01:00:32,040 --> 01:00:34,480 all over, I'd to drive John home to Reading, didn't I? 1440 01:00:34,520 --> 01:00:37,200 LAUGHTER Three and a half hours. 1441 01:00:38,520 --> 01:00:40,440 I couldn't let him stay. He's not staying with us, 1442 01:00:40,480 --> 01:00:41,520 and I can't let him drive. 1443 01:00:41,560 --> 01:00:43,640 I can't have that on my conscience, can I? 1444 01:00:43,680 --> 01:00:45,240 To be honest, I didn't even mind. 1445 01:00:45,280 --> 01:00:48,080 I wasn't even angry. By this point, I felt quite close to him, 1446 01:00:48,120 --> 01:00:49,360 and it was quite nice to get away. 1447 01:00:49,400 --> 01:00:51,440 And I realised we had quite a strong bond. 1448 01:00:51,480 --> 01:00:53,720 We both had this stroke thing hanging over us, you know, 1449 01:00:53,760 --> 01:00:57,200 and I dropped him off. His last words to me, right? 1450 01:00:57,240 --> 01:00:58,840 His last words to me that night. 1451 01:00:58,880 --> 01:01:03,360 I dropped him off about half-two in the morning and his wife was there. 1452 01:01:03,400 --> 01:01:06,520 His last words to me were either...well, see what you think. 1453 01:01:06,560 --> 01:01:08,120 I can't work it out. 1454 01:01:08,160 --> 01:01:13,760 They were either quite beautiful and profound and poetic 1455 01:01:13,800 --> 01:01:14,920 and philosophical... 1456 01:01:16,400 --> 01:01:17,760 ..or thick as shit. 1457 01:01:17,800 --> 01:01:19,240 LAUGHTER 1458 01:01:19,280 --> 01:01:20,640 Cos I said, "John, you know, 1459 01:01:20,680 --> 01:01:24,040 "it's been a funny old trip, but I've enjoyed your company, 1460 01:01:24,080 --> 01:01:27,400 "sort of. And, you know, you've got to get yourself checked out. 1461 01:01:27,440 --> 01:01:31,400 "But, who knows, if you're driving again and I need a driver one day, 1462 01:01:31,440 --> 01:01:33,200 "maybe our paths will cross." 1463 01:01:33,240 --> 01:01:35,560 I said, "Cos, after all, John, 1464 01:01:35,600 --> 01:01:38,480 "nobody can predict the future, right?" 1465 01:01:38,520 --> 01:01:40,880 "John went, "No. Nor the past." 1466 01:01:40,920 --> 01:01:43,320 LAUGHTER 1467 01:01:47,760 --> 01:01:49,440 APPLAUSE 1468 01:01:49,480 --> 01:01:50,760 I don't know. 1469 01:01:50,800 --> 01:01:52,480 WHISTLING 1470 01:01:54,560 --> 01:01:56,440 HE LAUGHS It's definitely easier, isn't it? 1471 01:01:56,480 --> 01:01:58,560 LAUGHTER 1472 01:02:04,320 --> 01:02:07,800 I'll leave you with this, and this will be the end. 1473 01:02:07,840 --> 01:02:10,200 I'll leave you with this cos I've seen him again, right, 1474 01:02:10,240 --> 01:02:12,240 I've seen John again after that night. 1475 01:02:12,280 --> 01:02:14,760 Fast-forward a year, 1476 01:02:14,800 --> 01:02:17,720 and I'm doing this documentary about shyness and social anxiety 1477 01:02:17,760 --> 01:02:21,040 that I've mentioned. And filming in TV, you know, TV filming can be 1478 01:02:21,080 --> 01:02:22,800 very long days, right? You could be 1479 01:02:22,840 --> 01:02:25,080 filming all day, like, 18 hours a day, or whatever. 1480 01:02:25,120 --> 01:02:27,320 And so I thought, I'll take the pressure off, 1481 01:02:27,360 --> 01:02:28,760 I'll make life a bit easier. 1482 01:02:28,800 --> 01:02:31,680 I'll get a driver, I'll hire a driver, take the pressure... 1483 01:02:31,720 --> 01:02:34,560 And then I thought, Let's give John a ring, 1484 01:02:34,600 --> 01:02:36,320 cos I don't even know what happened. 1485 01:02:36,360 --> 01:02:38,080 I felt a bit guilty cos I don't even know what happened, 1486 01:02:38,120 --> 01:02:39,160 I haven't even spoken to him. 1487 01:02:39,200 --> 01:02:40,880 I thought, Let's give John a ring, right? 1488 01:02:40,920 --> 01:02:43,520 So I rang John, I spoke to his wife 1489 01:02:43,560 --> 01:02:46,560 and, cut a very long conversation, very short, 1490 01:02:46,600 --> 01:02:49,560 I find out that John's had a stroke, right? 1491 01:02:49,600 --> 01:02:51,920 That's what happened, he's had a mini stroke, 1492 01:02:51,960 --> 01:02:53,560 but they've done a more investigation with him 1493 01:02:53,600 --> 01:02:55,360 and they found out that his is caused 1494 01:02:55,400 --> 01:02:58,400 by an atrial fibrillation. 1495 01:02:58,440 --> 01:03:02,880 It's an irregular heartbeat that can cause dizzy spells, 1496 01:03:02,920 --> 01:03:04,000 hence the blackouts. 1497 01:03:05,280 --> 01:03:08,600 And his wife tells me on the phone that he's lost his job. 1498 01:03:08,640 --> 01:03:10,640 And I felt like shit 1499 01:03:10,680 --> 01:03:12,000 because I hadn't rung him, 1500 01:03:12,040 --> 01:03:14,320 I hadn't been in touch and I didn't know anything, 1501 01:03:14,360 --> 01:03:16,200 and I felt like shit because I'd rung him to ask him 1502 01:03:16,240 --> 01:03:18,400 to drive me for this documentary, and he can't, 1503 01:03:18,440 --> 01:03:19,760 you know, he's lost his job. 1504 01:03:19,800 --> 01:03:21,880 And then his wife asked me why I was ringing. 1505 01:03:21,920 --> 01:03:24,560 I panicked, right? I totally panicked. 1506 01:03:24,600 --> 01:03:27,760 She said, "Why are you ringing?" I went, "Oh, no reason. I've got 1507 01:03:27,800 --> 01:03:30,840 "this documentary coming up, but I'm driving, don't worry about that. 1508 01:03:30,880 --> 01:03:33,720 "I just wondered if John wanted to come along for the craic." 1509 01:03:33,760 --> 01:03:36,120 What the fuck is that? 1510 01:03:36,160 --> 01:03:39,920 No, no! 1511 01:03:39,960 --> 01:03:42,480 One of those slow-motion, "No!" 1512 01:03:42,520 --> 01:03:45,080 Before I could take the offer back, he says yes. 1513 01:03:45,120 --> 01:03:48,440 Off we go again, right? Right back on the road, 1514 01:03:48,480 --> 01:03:51,320 but with me driving him now for no reason. 1515 01:03:51,360 --> 01:03:53,640 For no reason. He's not in the documentary, 1516 01:03:53,680 --> 01:03:56,840 he plays no part in it. I'm working 18 hours a day, 1517 01:03:56,880 --> 01:04:00,560 and then I'm driving this prick around...for no reason! 1518 01:04:00,600 --> 01:04:02,360 For the craic, apparently. 1519 01:04:02,400 --> 01:04:04,640 LAUGHTER 1520 01:04:04,680 --> 01:04:06,760 I wasn't even sure whether to do this documentary, 1521 01:04:06,800 --> 01:04:08,840 cos it's not exactly a cool thing to admit 1522 01:04:08,880 --> 01:04:11,880 that you suffer from shyness and social anxiety, is it? 1523 01:04:11,920 --> 01:04:14,280 It was called Stand Up to Shyness. 1524 01:04:14,320 --> 01:04:17,200 And shyness is such a weird term, isn't it? 1525 01:04:17,240 --> 01:04:19,280 You know, it's such a hard thing to define 1526 01:04:19,320 --> 01:04:21,840 and to describe who's shy, who's not. 1527 01:04:21,880 --> 01:04:23,840 Sometimes we are, sometimes we aren't. 1528 01:04:23,880 --> 01:04:26,600 So I tried to make some...I tried to get some science on it, 1529 01:04:26,640 --> 01:04:29,920 you know, and I went to GPs and cognitive behavioural therapists 1530 01:04:29,960 --> 01:04:32,760 and psychologists and neuroscientists. 1531 01:04:32,800 --> 01:04:36,560 At one point, I'm in Harley Street in London, 1532 01:04:36,600 --> 01:04:39,920 and this neuroscientist has done all these tests across the day. 1533 01:04:39,960 --> 01:04:43,560 And I think at one point he's got, like, an EEG machine on my head, 1534 01:04:43,600 --> 01:04:46,360 like a swimming cap with all these pressure pads. 1535 01:04:46,400 --> 01:04:47,920 And on his computer screen, all my 1536 01:04:47,960 --> 01:04:51,200 brain activity is dancing around it. And I said, you know, 1537 01:04:51,240 --> 01:04:53,440 on camera, I said, "So can you see 1538 01:04:53,480 --> 01:04:57,560 "that I'm shy from looking at that computer, from analysing that?" 1539 01:04:57,600 --> 01:05:01,840 And he said, "No, I can't. But I wouldn't expect to be able to." 1540 01:05:01,880 --> 01:05:04,760 He said, "If you were anxious now, I could probably see it, 1541 01:05:04,800 --> 01:05:08,640 "but I can't tell if you're an anxious type of person." 1542 01:05:08,680 --> 01:05:11,360 It's my first-ever serious documentary. 1543 01:05:11,400 --> 01:05:14,280 I went a little bit over-the-top BBC presenter. 1544 01:05:14,320 --> 01:05:16,680 I've still got this swimming cap thing on my head. 1545 01:05:16,720 --> 01:05:18,960 I sort of looked down, I looked at the camera, you know, 1546 01:05:19,000 --> 01:05:21,240 in my best BBC presenter, I sort of said, 1547 01:05:21,280 --> 01:05:27,200 "So there we have it. So there we have it. 1548 01:05:27,240 --> 01:05:30,680 "You can't tell that somebody's shy just 1549 01:05:30,720 --> 01:05:31,800 "from looking at the brain." 1550 01:05:31,840 --> 01:05:35,160 I'm still looking down the camera, 1551 01:05:35,200 --> 01:05:38,600 on TV, this neuroscientist nudges me and he goes, "Yeah, I don't know 1552 01:05:38,640 --> 01:05:40,680 "if you want to get this on camera, 1553 01:05:40,720 --> 01:05:43,200 "but I can tell you you've got ADHD and possibly dyslexia." 1554 01:05:43,240 --> 01:05:45,360 LAUGHTER 1555 01:05:47,240 --> 01:05:51,320 "What the fuck, are you fucking...?" I'm on television going, 1556 01:05:51,360 --> 01:05:55,720 "What the fuck do I do? I've only popped in for shyness, you prick!" 1557 01:05:55,760 --> 01:05:57,320 LAUGHTER 1558 01:05:57,360 --> 01:06:01,440 "I'm just a bit shy, that's all. What are you talking about, ADHD?" 1559 01:06:01,480 --> 01:06:03,920 I said, "This is a one-off documentary, mate, 1560 01:06:03,960 --> 01:06:06,320 "not a six-part series about my brain!" 1561 01:06:06,360 --> 01:06:07,920 LAUGHTER 1562 01:06:07,960 --> 01:06:09,440 "What do you...ADHD?" Don't get me wrong, 1563 01:06:09,480 --> 01:06:11,360 in hindsight, it's brilliant news. 1564 01:06:11,400 --> 01:06:13,360 In hindsight, for the first time in my life, 1565 01:06:13,400 --> 01:06:18,200 everything makes sense. 50 years of my life suddenly makes sense, 1566 01:06:18,240 --> 01:06:20,160 and I can do something about it, in hindsight. 1567 01:06:20,200 --> 01:06:22,840 But at the time, I'm on telly! 1568 01:06:22,880 --> 01:06:25,360 I was reeling, "ADH...?" 1569 01:06:25,400 --> 01:06:28,680 He said, "Well, I think you've got a subtype." 1570 01:06:28,720 --> 01:06:30,680 He said, "I'll have to do more tests, 1571 01:06:30,720 --> 01:06:34,040 "but I think you've got a subtype of ADHD called ADD." 1572 01:06:34,080 --> 01:06:38,560 He said, "ADHD is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder." 1573 01:06:38,600 --> 01:06:41,800 Apparently, incredibly, I haven't got the hyperactive bit. 1574 01:06:41,840 --> 01:06:43,680 LAUGHTER 1575 01:06:43,720 --> 01:06:46,160 This is a really laid-back version, apparently. 1576 01:06:50,520 --> 01:06:52,440 Next, I've got John in the car, that's my next problem. 1577 01:06:52,480 --> 01:06:53,760 LAUGHTER 1578 01:06:53,800 --> 01:06:56,680 Oh, my God, I've got to come out. I come out. 1579 01:06:56,720 --> 01:06:58,760 John said, "How did it go? How did it go?" 1580 01:06:58,800 --> 01:07:00,800 I said, "I'm having a great time, John," 1581 01:07:00,840 --> 01:07:02,080 I said, "I'm having a great time. Let's go. 1582 01:07:02,120 --> 01:07:04,400 "Come on. I've just had the best day of my life, John. 1583 01:07:04,440 --> 01:07:07,000 "Oh, I'm having a great time. I've gone in there with shyness, 1584 01:07:07,040 --> 01:07:09,920 "I've come out with ADHD and possibly fucking dyslexia." 1585 01:07:11,320 --> 01:07:12,920 John - "What, have you swapped?" 1586 01:07:12,960 --> 01:07:14,160 LAUGHTER 1587 01:07:15,160 --> 01:07:19,720 " I haven't swapped!" 1588 01:07:19,760 --> 01:07:22,120 What does that even mean? "Of course I haven't swapped, 1589 01:07:22,160 --> 01:07:24,920 "John, I haven't swapped. How could I have swapped? 1590 01:07:24,960 --> 01:07:29,760 "I've come out with two new things that I didn't even know I had." 1591 01:07:29,800 --> 01:07:31,720 He said, "Well, at least you're not shy any more." 1592 01:07:31,760 --> 01:07:36,240 I was, like, "I am still shy, John! Of course I'm still shy, John, 1593 01:07:36,280 --> 01:07:38,320 "and dyslexic and I've got this 1594 01:07:38,360 --> 01:07:40,880 "AD...I've got all three of them, John. 1595 01:07:40,920 --> 01:07:43,800 "I've got the full set, mate. I've got the full set!" 1596 01:07:43,840 --> 01:07:45,960 He's, like, "Oh, OK, yeah, right, I've got you. 1597 01:07:46,000 --> 01:07:48,920 "Oh, yeah, sorry to hear that, yeah, yeah." He said, "Dyslexia, 1598 01:07:48,960 --> 01:07:51,920 "I know that one, that's the spelling one." 1599 01:07:51,960 --> 01:07:54,760 I said, "Any problem with reading, writing, spelling." 1600 01:07:54,800 --> 01:07:57,960 He said, "Oh, what's that other thing?" 1601 01:07:58,000 --> 01:08:00,440 I said, "Oh, it's ADD," right? 1602 01:08:00,480 --> 01:08:03,240 He said, "Well, what's that, then?" And I said, "Well," 1603 01:08:03,280 --> 01:08:05,640 I said, "I don't know, really." I said, "You know, 1604 01:08:05,680 --> 01:08:09,200 "ADHD is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, 1605 01:08:09,240 --> 01:08:10,880 "but what I have is ADD." 1606 01:08:10,920 --> 01:08:12,560 And he went, "Oh, right, 1607 01:08:12,600 --> 01:08:16,320 "I've got you, yeah, so you've got ADHD, 1608 01:08:16,360 --> 01:08:18,560 "but you can't spell it cos of the dyslexia." 1609 01:08:18,600 --> 01:08:20,960 LAUGHTER 1610 01:08:23,240 --> 01:08:25,920 Wow! 1611 01:08:25,960 --> 01:08:27,520 Where do you start with that? 1612 01:08:28,560 --> 01:08:31,920 Where do you start with that? You've got ADHD, 1613 01:08:31,960 --> 01:08:34,560 but you can't spell it because of the... 1614 01:08:34,600 --> 01:08:35,920 I just did spell it. 1615 01:08:35,960 --> 01:08:38,320 I said, "I was the one who just told you I haven't got ADHD, 1616 01:08:38,360 --> 01:08:39,920 "John, do you remember? 1617 01:08:39,960 --> 01:08:43,040 "How can you accuse me of not being able to spell ADHD 1618 01:08:43,080 --> 01:08:45,480 "when I just told you I haven't got ADHD?" 1619 01:08:45,520 --> 01:08:47,400 He said, "Well, you keep saying ADD." 1620 01:08:47,440 --> 01:08:49,440 I said, "Because that's what I've got." 1621 01:08:49,480 --> 01:08:53,240 He said, "You keep missing the H." "I don't keep missing the H. 1622 01:08:53,280 --> 01:08:56,000 "There IS no H!" He's like, "What, there's no H in ADHD?" 1623 01:08:56,040 --> 01:08:58,520 "No, of course there's a fucking H in ADHD, John. 1624 01:08:58,560 --> 01:09:03,240 "There's an H in ADHD, but there's no H in AD fucking D." 1625 01:09:04,360 --> 01:09:05,400 "Right, you ARE the boss." 1626 01:09:05,440 --> 01:09:07,880 "It's not about being the bloody boss! 1627 01:09:07,920 --> 01:09:10,600 "Anyway, I'm not the boss, am I? I'm driving you around, 1628 01:09:10,640 --> 01:09:13,080 "in case you haven't noticed, you useless piece of shit!" 1629 01:09:13,120 --> 01:09:14,360 LAUGHTER 1630 01:09:14,400 --> 01:09:15,800 "So get it into your head, John, 1631 01:09:15,840 --> 01:09:17,520 "one's got an H and one of them hasn't, 1632 01:09:17,560 --> 01:09:20,000 "cos one involves hyperactivity and the other one doesn't, John. 1633 01:09:20,040 --> 01:09:21,960 "And for your information, I know the difference, 1634 01:09:22,000 --> 01:09:24,760 "and I can spell them bloody both!" LAUGHTER 1635 01:09:24,800 --> 01:09:26,520 John - "Well, you haven't got dyslexia, then." 1636 01:09:26,560 --> 01:09:29,040 "Right, I'm going back in. I'm going back in." 1637 01:09:29,080 --> 01:09:31,880 I'm going back in. "I'm sorry, Mr Neuroscientist, 1638 01:09:31,920 --> 01:09:34,120 "I know you've spent your life studying the brain, 1639 01:09:34,160 --> 01:09:36,560 "but I've had a quick chat to John in the car park. 1640 01:09:36,600 --> 01:09:38,120 "I don't know if you know him, 1641 01:09:38,160 --> 01:09:40,200 "but he's pretty convinced I'm not dyslexic, 1642 01:09:40,240 --> 01:09:41,240 "so I'll be on my way. 1643 01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:44,360 "I think I'll take John's word over yours, if you don't mind. 1644 01:09:44,400 --> 01:09:47,760 "He usually knows what's what." I said, "In fact, come back with me, 1645 01:09:47,800 --> 01:09:49,000 "John. Come back in with me." 1646 01:09:49,040 --> 01:09:50,080 He said, "Why?" I said, 1647 01:09:50,120 --> 01:09:52,800 "Cos I can hook you up to that fucking EEG machine, that's why. 1648 01:09:52,840 --> 01:09:56,480 "Let's see if anything whatsoever appears on that screen, shall we? 1649 01:09:56,520 --> 01:09:58,080 "Let's see if a computer 1650 01:09:58,120 --> 01:10:01,280 "can detect any sign of brain activity whatsoever. 1651 01:10:01,320 --> 01:10:04,120 "Cos I've been with you for months and I've seen nothing! 1652 01:10:04,160 --> 01:10:06,200 "Nothing! 1653 01:10:06,240 --> 01:10:09,840 "It'll probably just say 'buffering' for the first few hours, won't it? 1654 01:10:09,880 --> 01:10:13,120 "Then there'll be a weird picture of a girl and a clown playing noughts 1655 01:10:13,160 --> 01:10:15,080 "and crosses for the rest of the week." 1656 01:10:15,120 --> 01:10:17,000 LAUGHTER 1657 01:10:19,440 --> 01:10:22,240 "You might as well put an EEG machine on a damaged melon!" 1658 01:10:22,280 --> 01:10:24,320 LAUGHTER 1659 01:10:25,760 --> 01:10:28,920 He said, "What's an EEG machine?" I said, "Oh, sorry, John, it's 1660 01:10:28,960 --> 01:10:33,680 "an EHEG machine, but I can't spell it cos I'm too dyslexic, obviously." 1661 01:10:45,080 --> 01:10:48,320 There was ten days' filming on that documentary. 1662 01:10:48,360 --> 01:10:49,960 This is day three. 1663 01:10:50,000 --> 01:10:51,960 LAUGHTER 1664 01:10:55,000 --> 01:10:57,360 Day four. 1665 01:10:57,400 --> 01:11:00,600 Day four, the next day, I've been doing some more filming. 1666 01:11:00,640 --> 01:11:04,840 And then we were driving along. I was driving along. 1667 01:11:04,880 --> 01:11:09,120 He's sat there, trying to work out whose reflection 1668 01:11:09,160 --> 01:11:10,640 he keeps catching in the window. 1669 01:11:10,680 --> 01:11:12,760 LAUGHTER 1670 01:11:25,800 --> 01:11:28,720 He was quiet for a while, he was quiet for about ten minutes. 1671 01:11:30,120 --> 01:11:32,040 Honestly, it's one of the best fortnight's holiday 1672 01:11:32,080 --> 01:11:33,200 I've ever had in my life. 1673 01:11:33,240 --> 01:11:35,080 LAUGHTER 1674 01:11:36,400 --> 01:11:38,360 He was quiet for about ten minutes, then he piped up. 1675 01:11:38,400 --> 01:11:42,560 He went, "Hey, Rhod. Hey, Rhod, yeah, I've been thinking." 1676 01:11:42,600 --> 01:11:45,520 I was like, "Oh, good." LAUGHTER 1677 01:11:45,560 --> 01:11:47,520 "Glad to hear that, John. What have you been thinking?" 1678 01:11:47,560 --> 01:11:49,640 He went, "Well, I've been thinking about it 1679 01:11:49,680 --> 01:11:52,120 "and I've just realised something." 1680 01:11:52,160 --> 01:11:54,800 He said, "Your name, your first name." 1681 01:11:54,840 --> 01:11:56,760 LAUGHTER 1682 01:12:05,240 --> 01:12:07,640 I said, "Fair play, John, you really are the boss." 1683 01:12:07,680 --> 01:12:09,280 Cardiff, you've been absolutely lovely. 1684 01:12:09,320 --> 01:12:12,320 Thank you very, very, very, very, very much. 1685 01:12:12,360 --> 01:12:13,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1686 01:12:13,600 --> 01:12:16,320 What a privilege and an honour to film the show here. 1687 01:12:16,360 --> 01:12:18,800 That's it, that's my life complete. Thank you very much. 1688 01:12:18,840 --> 01:12:20,040 You've been lovely, thank you. 1689 01:12:20,080 --> 01:12:21,920 Thanks for all your support over the years. 1690 01:12:21,960 --> 01:12:23,720 Thank you very, very much. 1691 01:12:28,640 --> 01:12:31,080 Thank you. Cheers, thanks very much, goodnight! 1692 01:13:06,160 --> 01:13:08,280 Subtitles by Red Bee Media