Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Long. See?

Now me.

You got it, Pally.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, it's a little game for Andy, Mom. It's good for the old manual dexterity.

How are we going to know what's in these cans now?

Don't fret. We'll just write down what is in each can, and that way nothing's

lost. See, this one's peaches.

This one's peas.

It was this one, peas.

Don't look at me.

Uh, Alex, just get these cans put away, okay? Uncle Rob's gonna be here any

second, okay? And it'll be nice if the house looks halfway decent.

Oh, hi. Sorry I'm late. I stopped off at Schweller's to pick up some strudel for

dessert. Oh, Andy and I were gonna make chocolate chip cookies.

Oh, no, no. It has to be strudel from Schweller's. It's exactly the kind they

made at Hofstetter's Bakery back in Buffalo when Rob and I were kids.

Hey, shouldn't he be here by now? I mean, his plane landed two hours ago.

Oh, he's probably caught in traffic on the expressway. This is a first. My

brother is actually late. Knowing Rob, you'd think he'd get off at the nearest

exit and call. He's the most organized, responsible human being I've ever met.

Except for you, Alex.

Yeah, I love Uncle Rob. He is the best.

All -American, conservative, a family man.

I like the fact that I'm related to him.

Reese jurors me I didn't just come from nowhere.

Hi, we're going down to the mall to get our blood pressure checked.

Oh, wait a minute. Uncle Rob's going to be here any second.

Um, yeah, we want to be in perfect health for when he gets here.

You see, there's this health mobile down there, and it's important that we check

these things often, especially while we're young.

There's a cute paramedic that I think Jennifer ought to meet.

Hey!

Hi. Hi, Jen.

Long time no see.

Too long. Just seeing you makes my blood pressure soar.

We better get going, Jennifer.

Okay, okay. We'll see you later.

Louise,

as the women grow older, you grow more youthful and beautiful each time I see

you. Oh, Rob.

Keep talking.

It's true.

Hey, hey. Alice!

Mark, it's up. Inflation's down. Reagan's in the White House. Can we pick

what?

There are more important things in the world than money and politics, Alex.

Oh, all right. We'll talk about it later when Dad's not in the room.

Stevie, where's the strudel? Ah, Robbie, look at this.

Oh, you.

Geez, Rob, you're dressing more casual these days. I like it.

Yeah, I decided I was spending too much of my time walking around in a suit and

a tie. You know, that affects the way you view the world. Keeps you buttoned

Maybe you should go upstairs and change.

We were worried about you, Rob. It's not like you to be late.

Why are you so hung up on time all of a sudden?

We're only on this earth a short while, Stephen. The idea is to live each moment

to its fullest.

Experience everything.

If sometimes we stray off the normal path.

Hey, that can be groovy, too.

He sure looked like my brother.

Ah!

Ah! Oh, Andy!

Andrew! Come in here, would you, lad?

Ah, hey.

Did you do this?

No.

Then who did?

Bad guy.

I see.

Okay. Well, I'm going to get blamed for it because I showed the bad guys how to

do it.

Okay. Well, then it seems to me we have two options here now. We can either hide

this stuff and pretend we don't know anything about it, or we can come clean

tell Mom the truth.

That's my boy.

All right, would you like to attempt to explain this?

All right, Mom.

All right, Mom.

We can't hide it any longer.

We're hooked on it, Mom.

We can't help ourselves.

We are a couple of hardened criminal can peelers.

Mom, we're wanted in every state.

We give up.

Boys, this is not allowed to matter. Did you realize?

Did you realize that we're not going to know what we're eating around here for

months to come?

Oh, Mom, that could be a welcome change.

it. I cannot believe it. After all these years, you still can't go to your left.

I can go to my left, Rob.

Just not with a basketball.

Anyway, I let you win.

Oh, really? Yeah, you're my big brother. I didn't want to see you cry. It would

be embarrassing.

Hey, how would you like a headlock? Hey, come on, Rob. Let go of me. No

headlocks. Call it.

Okay, you're lucky you called.

We're off to the mall again. The health mobile opens at 10.

We've been asked back for glaucoma tests.

You've got it all here, Stephen.

Great wife, great kid.

The whole package.

You too, Rob.

Not too bad for a couple of mooks from Buffalo, huh?

You know, Stephen, there's something I've been holding on to since I got

Well, it's going to surprise you when I tell you.

There's no way you can be ready for this.

I'm ready for anything. Try me.

Maureen and I are separated.

I wasn't ready for that.

Well, it's been coming for a long time.

You and Maureen?

Doesn't seem possible.

The last few years, we've pretty much been keeping it together out of habit,

really. Like two horses pulling a wagon, you know?

Day after day, year after year.

Familiar with each other, accustomed to being at each other's side, but not

really crazy about each other.

And getting damn tired of pulling the wagon.

What about the kids?

Marilyn moved out about six months ago. She's living with a Vietnamese family on

a houseboat on Lake Huron.

She says she's very happy.

People are nice. The fishing is good.

What about Jonathan? He's only 11.

Well, that's tougher, of course.

But it could be worse for him growing up in a bad marriage.

Did I interrupt something?

Robert's got some bad news, Liz.

Well, no, no, it's not bad news. It's good news.

Good news? Oh, well, tell me, Rob.

My marriage is over.

I don't know what to say.

I mean, congratulations doesn't sound right.

You know, I met a girl on the plane, and I've got a date tonight.

So just, you'd be happy for me.

He's been married 25 years.

He's got a wife, two kids, and a date.

Why shouldn't we be happy?

You could have glaucoma, high blood pressure, not even know it. All right,

all right. Now we'll be tested, okay? You happy? You satisfied?

What, do you get a commission on these tests or what?

It's for your own good, too, Alec. Mom, Dad, you'll be happy to know that

Mallory and I do not have glaucoma.

Great news.

You don't sound thrilled.

We have some bad news.

We don't want to upset you, but you need to know.

Uncle Rob and Aunt Maureen have separated.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

That's impossible.

Uncle Rob?

Uncle Rob is not the kind of guy who gets separated.

He's a Republican.

A Republican?

You know what I mean.

Alex, Ronald Reagan was divorced.

He was a Democrat at the time.

Alex, both political parties are equally good at this.

I know. I mean, half the kids in my class have parents who are separated.

This must be the separation decade.

Separation sushi and designer jeans. That's the 80s.

Thank you for that in -depth analysis.

I'll get it. No, no, that's probably Rob's date.

His what?

He's going out on a date tonight.

He has a date.

The man is a registered Republican.

Yes, he has a date. Is that so strange? He's separated and he has a date.

Now, let's let her in, and please, treat her with respect.

She's your uncle's date.

Hello? I'm Kathy Brady. I'm here for Bob.

Bob?

Rob. We call him Rob.

This is the Keaton house.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes, yes. I'm Elise Keaton.

And this is Stephen and Jennifer and Mallory and Alex.

He told me he likes to be called Bob.

He never told us that.

We call him Rob.

Hey, Kat!

Has everybody met everybody?

Oh, boy, yes.

Oh, great, great.

Kathy and I are going to this really hot disco she knows about.

Do you want to come?

Oh, no, no, no. We've planned a quiet evening at home.

Make some tapioca.

You got it, babe.

Oh, listen, Rob, Bob.

What... What time do you think you'll be home?

Don't wait up, bro.

Okay. What the hell was that?

Okay, Andy, listen up, bud.

Mom needs peaches.

He says he bought them especially for this recipe he's making.

So what we have to do is find out which one of these cans has the peaches in

them.

Without opening every can in the house.

No problem.

Has Uncle Rob been down yet?

Uh, yeah, he went jogging about an hour ago.

That's really something. He only came in three hours ago.

How do you know?

Because I was up all night listening to Dad pace.

Dad's really taking this hard, isn't he?

I know.

Mom says he's been up every night this week looking through old photo albums.

You know, pictures of Rob and Maureen.

Yeah. You know, Dad, he just... He just doesn't handle separations well.

He still hasn't gotten over that Supreme's breaking up.

Yeah, I remember he sat up all night looking at pictures of them, too.

I hate this situation with Uncle Rob. I don't know what to say. I mean, can I

talk to him about the situation?

Can I talk about Aunt Maureen?

Can I still call her Aunt Maureen?

Yeah, it's just... It's too bad that...

You kids have to be witness to this unsettling adult behavior.

I think you can just comfort yourself by looking at it in a detached, kind of

analytical fashion.

Well, I feel better already.

Oh, come on. I mean, basically, what we have here is a failed merger.

Not unlike the breakup of the phone company.

Although obviously less emotional.

Nothing more than a natural fluctuation in the marketplace of love and marriage.

You should write romance novels.

Oh, good morning, guys.

Hi.

Anybody want some breakfast?

Oh, no, we've eaten already, thanks.

But if you're having some, may I suggest some of our fine canned goods?

No, thanks. Well, anyone want to stay around and join me while I have some

breakfast? No, it's been a rough day. I think we're going to turn in. Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop, stop. No, it's not even 8 .15 a .m. It couldn't have

been that rough a day.

Come on, now. You guys sit back down here, and we're going to talk this thing

out.

Come on. Everyone sit down.

Okay.

My separation from Aunt Maureen is upsetting you all.

Who's Aunt Maureen?

Okay, it's not upsetting Andrew that much.

How about you, Alex?

All right, look, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed.

I understand.

I mean, I'm not a baby.

I know that these things...

but they're not supposed to happen to you, Uncle Rob. You're one of the good

guys.

You're a father, you're a husband, you're a CPA.

Well, it could happen to anyone, Alex, even a CPA.

I don't know, I guess I just have an overly romantic view of accounting.

And love, and love.

Uncle Rob, I guess it's just hard for us to get used to, you know, you dating

another woman.

Guess we're just done.

Sure, I understand that.

It's just weird for us.

Maybe we should go running. A little exercise might help.

Nothing can help. This is a disaster.

Referring to my situation?

No.

What situation? You, you're great, you're happy, you're disco -ing.

There's no situation.

What's that?

Oh, nothing.

It's just a photo album of somebody's wedding.

You know, Steve, I just polled our little group here about their reaction

being separated from Maureen.

We have stunned, disappointed, weird.

Well, please add concerned and berserk.

Yeah, I'm having real trouble accepting it. I know I should be trying to support

you. Well, I'll tell you, Steve, I really could use your support.

We want to help you, Rob.

Good,

great. Well, you're backing a winner here. I mean that. I mean, I met a nice

girl, and that's a big step. Kathy and I are having a great time together.

I'd like you to get to know her better. Maybe you wouldn't feel so awkward then.

How about...

How about if we invited her to dinner?

Oh, sure, I'd love it.

How about tonight?

Okay, here we go.

Huh? What's this?

A little something I like to call everything but peaches.

It's a culinary masterpiece.

I'm telling you, put salad dressing on these things, these veggies took off.

Ask them.

Listen.

Your mother and I want to remind you that this little get -together is not an

easy thing for your Uncle Rob Bob.

Okay, well, let's just

be sensitive, all of us.

He'll be coming here with another woman, not his wife. Can you believe that?

Stephen.

I'm okay.

I'm all right. But how can he possibly... Talking about me?

Oh, no, no. This is just a little family huddle. Something we always do before

guests arrive.

Now let's get in there and have a great dinner.

I'm upstairs.

I'm looking in the mirror. I can't believe my eyes. I am young again.

I mean, look at me. I didn't look this young when I was this young.

You're youngish looking.

I'm 45 years old.

Now tell the honest truth. How old do I look?

Thirteen.

That must be Kathy.

Hi, Kath.

Come on in.

You've met everybody.

Come on, sit down.

Hello again.

Glad you could make it. Oh, nice to be here. Thanks for asking me.

I hear you two have really been doing the town.

You hear right. We've been dancing almost every night this week.

Do you guys just go?

Not as much as we should.

I'm just crazy for it. I mean, I love to be out there whirling around with those

lights strobing. It's fantastic.

It's hard for me to picture you out there dancing around.

Why is that?

Because you hate dancing. You always hated dancing. I remember you used to

better dead than dancing.

That wasn't me. That was you.

You said that. You hated to dance.

I never said that, and I never hated to dance. You did.

Well, let me vouch for Bob.

He loves to dance now.

Let's get that sorted out. Is it Bob or Rob?

Which one is it?

Hey, what's the difference? Rob, Bob, who cares?

I care. I like to know who I'm talking to. Is it my brother Rob or Disco Bob?

Stephen, can I speak to you in the kitchen for a moment? No.

Bob, may I speak to you in the kitchen for a moment? No.

Kathy, can I speak to you in the kitchen for a moment? Yes.

We'd like to come to the kitchen and speak along with you.

You're the one who hated to dance.

And what's more, you couldn't dance. I saw you with Maureen at your wedding,

you couldn't dance at all.

Well, that's because Maureen can't dance at all. So we danced bad together.

Who are you kidding? This isn't about dancing, Steve. This is about

You can't accept me for who I am.

You're right.

I can't.

I can't.

I missed the guy who danced bad with Maureen.

He's gone, Steve.

I don't think so.

I think he's here.

And I think his place is with his family. And I think with some time and

help, he can find what he's looking for with them.

This is really funny.

You're lecturing me about responsibility.

Marriage is for better or worse, Rob. You don't run out because your wife

the toast one morning or you found someone else with longer legs. It's not

burnt toast, Steve. If it was, I'd have left a long time ago.

And don't talk to me about marriage, okay? I was married while you were

collecting baseball cards. You had it all, damn it. A wife, two kids, a good

job. What did I have, Steve? I never wanted to be a CPA. You know that.

Mom said and Pop said, go on, Robbie boy, be a CPA.

Take the test. You'll be happy.

Go on, Robbie, get married. You'll be happy. Have two kids. You'll be happy.

I did everything they said. I did everything right.

I'm not happy.

What am I supposed to say? I hate hearing that. Hear it.

They lied to me. They told me that the dream was real. They lied. I listened.

I'm not getting any younger, Stevie.

I want another chance.

I want to have a life, too.

What a coincidence we were just talking about you.

I'll bet.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.