Original subtitles

Good morning.

Good morning. Jason, I just got my first fan letter from my column.

Good. That's wonderful. What's it say?

Dear Miss Malone, I've never really given much thought to kitty litter, but

recent article opened my eyes. Now I swear by Tabby Fresh, perhaps one day

get a cat.

Morning. Morning.

Um, Dad?

I don't want you to be mad, but I can't find my history book.

Why would I be mad? I'm not the one who has to go to class without a book, Ben.

I'm not the one who has to take a test unprepared.

No, but you're the one who has to cough up 25 bucks to replace it.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry you're not listening, Ben. No, I'm not going

to bail you out this time.

You're right, Dad.

It's time for a tough love lesson.

I'm going to drop out of fifth period.

I can always sell Mary. Jerry K.

I've got good skin.

Enough, Ben. Jason, give him $25.

I've only got two 20s. You're a prince.

Hello.

Scramble, please.

Hey, Mike, did it ever occur to you that your mother is not just some domestic

drudge?

No.

Dad, listen, I'm having a little problem with one of my college classes.

Attending? No, no, Dad. I just can't seem to find my sociology book.

And you're probably going to have to sell Mary Kay if I don't come up with 25

bucks to replace it.

No, it was Thighmasters.

But actually, it was $35.

Mike, Ben just took your father's last $40 for his lost history book.

That little leech.

Well, I hope you can eat Mike's eggs, too.

Sorry. Okay, I'll try.

Debbie Tigard won the Pulitzer Prize for journalism?

Debbie who?

My old college roommate.

Somebody you know won the Pulitzer?

That's great.

Oh, yeah.

Just the kind of good news you want to start your day.

of yours wins the Pulitzer and you puree the paper?

Jason, don't you remember Debbie Tigard, the one who made my life a living hell

for four years?

Doesn't ring a bell.

Debbie, if he's breathing, I'll jump him, Tigard.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, short, short brunette, shag haircut.

I knew it. I always said no.

Jason, she'd do anything to get ahead. Remember my old journalism professor,

Rutger? Oh, I bet she was sleeping in a canopy bed.

Don't get mad, but I lost my spelling book.

Would this, by any chance, cost, oh, say, $35 to replace?

Uh -oh.

Give it up, Mike.

I had to try.

No, Jason, life is funny.

Here Debbie Tigard is picking up a Pulitzer and I'm picking up...

Foggy Cheerios.

You're also overreacting, Maggie.

You are not just a person who does menial chores all day.

Missed a spot.

You're a great housewife, Maggie, but you're also a damn fine journalist.

Oh, sure.

Here Debbie's writing about acid rain and I'm writing about, well, I'll just

it, kitty doo -doo.

Yeah, but you wrote the hell out of that.

Jason, I don't understand it. Debbie couldn't string two sentences together

she wins the Pulitzer?

She was probably sleeping with the judges.

You think I'm being petty, don't you? No, no, no, no.

You're right, I am.

You know, maybe Debbie's turned herself into a real journalist.

You know, I'm a big enough person.

I'm going to call and congratulate her. That's better.

Yes, Debbie Thai Garden Features, please.

Yes, this is an old friend of hers, Maggie Malone from the Long Island

Yes, seriously.

She can return my call in August?

Well, yes.

Yes, I would like to leave a message.

Let's go over this again.

You're in the park. You see the babe.

What do you say?

I'm crispy and I'm lost.

Can you help me find my brother, Ben?

My studly brother, Ben.

And then I get the ice cream?

Tell you what. I'll get you some ice cream and you don't have to do anything.

Great. I'll go get my coat.

You find your own babes.

Hey, what are you doing? You blew my scam, Sam.

Now I'm blowing yours.

You know I had a whole lost book thing ready. So, I got there first.

Listen, Junior.

I perfected that scam while you were still saying paschetti.

Can I get Rocky Road?

Absolutely. And remember, Chrissy, who do we ask for when we need a babysitter

this Saturday night?

My studly brother, Ben.

What's all that stuff?

Ah, some of my old...

An award?

Why isn't this on the wall?

Oh, it's just a little award. But I did beat out students from 50 schools,

including Harvard and Yale.

Wow. 1969?

This thing's an antique.

What's that? A list of goals I made when I was 20.

Become the first woman war correspondent.

Learn Swahili.

Have a novel published by age 35.

I can't believe you actually did all these things.

Way to go, Mom.

Well, not everything, I'm afraid. Just the ones that are checked.

Oh, come on. I mean, you did a lot of things here. I mean, how many people

actually, um... Um...

Learned to drive a stick shift.

got to join a gym.

Oh, Maggie, not that old list again.

Can you believe I never toured the Soviet Union?

It's good you didn't. Now there is no Soviet Union. Check it off.

Fallen nations don't count.

It was a goal.

Boy, this Debbie Tigard thing is really good to you.

Not at all.

I could care less that Debbie vacuum -lips Tigard, lucked into a stinking

Pulitzer.

Well, I'm glad to see it's out of your system.

Jason, this may have started out with Debbie, but now it's about me, my failed

goals. I bet you accomplished everything on your list.

Well, Peggy, come on, I've had my share of pain and disappointment.

What? You never got to meet Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass?

I met the brass.

Thank you. That makes me feel so much better.

Oh, you've had a lot of success, Maggie. You worked at Newsweek and Channel 19.

That doesn't count. I quit both of them. Yes, but you made a decision to do that

because you wanted to spend more time with your family and to write that book

yours, which I know you're going to get around to someday.

Jason, don't you see? This list was made by a woman with dreams who wasn't

afraid to test herself.

Now, I know exactly when I got off track. It was 1972.

Do you remember that year?

Not specifically.

I was covering the election in South Dakota, and I had the chance to follow

George McGovern into a helicopter and get an exclusive interview.

I don't remember that interview.

Because I didn't get the interview.

I was too scared to get into the chopper. And I've been living in the

zone ever since. Come on, Maggie, you've done all kinds of uncomfortable things.

Such as? Such as you got tear gassed when you protested against apartheid.

gave birth.

You saw Mike in Streetcar Named Desire.

Face it, Jason, I'm a quitter.

You're not, Maggie. You're still a young woman. You've got all kinds of time to

do whatever you want. Not if I put it off for one more day.

Jason, I'm going to master the things on this list. Okay.

Starting with number six. Number six.

Rappel down a mountain. Whoa, no.

I need to challenge myself.

All right, yeah, well, then try number 18, learn to play the sitar.

All the challenge of rock climbing and a much higher survival rate.

Jason, I don't want to spend the rest of my life hiding from the things that

frighten me. Okay, fine, fine, but rappelling down the mountain, Maggie,

on, you can't be serious.

Okay, you're serious, but do I have to go with you?

Oh, now, see, this double figure eight, Maggie, this is great. I mean, you can

hold an elephant with that. Oh, whoa!

You've been practicing, haven't you? Oh, a little bit. A little. Every night

this week, she's tied something up.

Wipe that smirk off your face.

Oh, whoa.

Today's a big day, huh? Yeah, you bet. Today we conquer a sheer rock face and

see what we're made of. As long as what we're made of doesn't end up spread all

over the sheer rock face.

Relax, Dr. Seaver. This is going to be a day that you'll always remember.

And this time, I'm sure the ropes are going to hold.

So, um, you guys are going to be gone all day and won't be back till tomorrow,

right? Well, we'll last through to Monday if your mom decides to bag

bar.

Okay, let's get the gear loaded.

Okay. Bye, boys. Take good care of each other. Have fun. Be safe.

Be well. Make sure Chrissy goes to college.

All right,

we'll miss you.

rock in my shoe.

Oh, what a perfect day to conquer your fears. Take a deep breath and step off

the edge of the world.

Well, here we are.

Well, it doesn't look as bad as I thought.

Maggie?

Maggie?

Maybe you can't keep hugging this mountain all night long.

Watch me.

Jason, how could you let me talk you into this?

I'm just here for moral support.

Stop that!

I want physical support. I want an elevator, a ski lift. I'll even get in a

helicopter.

She's panicking.

Well, if worse comes to worse, I can always pry her off the rock with a

Is there anything you could say to assuage your fears?

Okay.

What does assuage mean?

You know what litigation means?

Jason, don't blame Kent. I thought I could do this.

Would you like me to give her my customary pep talk? That would be nice.

Okay.

What goes up must come down.

Remember that, Jason.

I want it on my tombstone.

Peggy, all I can tell you is what you were telling me.

Conquering this mountain is the first step in getting everything else you

Jason, how does that help me win a Pulitzer?

Good point. You want to leave?

Jason, you can't let me quit.

I thought you wanted to quit. Well, of course I do.

Which is exactly why I can't. That a girl. Touch me and you die.

Okay, now this will be just like we practiced. You want to keep your knees

You want to stay focused.

Okay?

Most of all, relax.

Just like having a baby.

Can I have an epidural?

Ready?

As ready as I'll ever be.

Okay. I'm going to lower you down the mountain slowly, nice and easy.

Okay, honey, I love you. I love you, too.

You're going to be fine.

You're fine.

You practiced.

Looking good. It's working.

That's it. It's working.

I'm not going to die.

No.

Honey, this could actually be fun.

Yeah.

Okay, now, you ready to try a push -off?

Two. Three.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

I'm supposed to smack you into the rock like that?

Honey, are you all right?

I'm fine.

Who are you?

No, I think I'm stuck.

She's stuck.

She's stuck. You've got to do something. Well, her guideline's just tangled in

that rock down there. One of us is going to have to go down there and free it

up. Good plan.

And the more experienced one is going to have to stay here and anchor the rope.

They're jumping off a mountain?

Their midlife crisis is my window of opportunity.

You see, I rented the house to a film crew today for 500 bucks, and all I had

do was show them we have fire insurance.

Pretty smooth.

Yeah, well, how are things in Arizona?

Did your dad get that truck stop cafe?

Yeah, I'm calling from our state -of -the -art kitchen.

They got, uh, mobile phones and everything.

Yeah? Well, how's your dad?

Oh, he's fine.

He just rented a crane to put the world's biggest coffee pot on the roof.

Well, well, that should pull on the tourists.

Yeah, and if that doesn't the world's biggest skylight will.

I better get out of here before this turns into an outdoor cafe. I'll call

next week.

Okay, we miss you. Bye.

Sorry, party dog, but you've been fixed.

No way. Kenny's bringing a DJ and a bunch of party girls wearing too much

makeup. This place is mine.

All right, all right. I'll level with you, Ben.

Now, listen, I don't need this place for me. I need it for a group of

underprivileged inner -city kids.

Really? What for?

Well, it's kind of like a suburbia day trip for them, Ben. I mean, some of

kids have never even seen a lawn sprinkler or so much as a refrigerator

Wait, you don't care a rat's hat about underprivileged kids.

Oh, yeah? Well, here, why don't you tell that to little Alfonso, Manuel, and

Harvey?

I wish you'd have told me this last week before I invited the whole school.

Hey, that's Menudo.

I was with you when you bought that wallet.

Get ready for some babes in heavy eyeliner.

Isn't that what got us into this predicament in the first place?

Why are there red stains all over those rugs?

Jason, stop that. I'm counting on you to be the rational one. Hard to be

rational when you're dangling like a wind chime, Maggie.

Jason, check my thinking here.

Repelling is just symbolic. It doesn't make me a better person in and of

True.

Tell me it's okay to forget this and go home? Is that what you want me to say,

Maggie? Work with me here, Jason.

It's okay to quit and go home.

Did you have to say quit?

Couldn't you say hang in there or come to your senses?

All right, Maggie, there are two ways out of this situation.

Up or down.

That's it?

Well, we could spend our golden years here, but I doubt the kids would visit.

Oh, Jason, I don't think that's very funny.

Maggie, you want straight talk, sweetheart? Here it is, okay?

You can either have Kent pull you back up into that comfort zone and be the

person you've always been, which is fine, or you can be tough, Maggie. You

show this mountain who's boss. You can have an adventure you'll remember till

your dying day, which isn't for many years.

More experience than you are.

You're rusty and out of practice.

Maybe you should ask yourself this. Where's your party? Where's your film

They'll be here.

But your party is history. I spread the word that you were having chaperones.

You're so simple.

I knew that and told everybody the chaperones were 19 -year -old au pairs.

What you don't know is that I called your film crew and rescheduled for

Poor deceived wretch.

They know only to take instructions with a code word.

Delta Dawn.

You know, there are other extensions in this house.

Hasta la vista, film crew.

Well, before you gloat, maybe you should check out the front door. I think

there's something out there.

Well, there's something out there, all right.

Instant party. Just add Ben.

Police lines do not cross.

Read the sign.

Party is canceled due to the bubonic plague.

Hasta la vista, party.

What you going to do that for?

When you went scamming freely in this house for years, when's it going to be

turn? Hey, you had your turn. When I had my tonsils out.

as mine.

Are you kidding?

I watched Star Search.

Well, let's face it. I mean, I didn't get my $500. You didn't get to have your

part.

So what are you saying?

Well, I'm saying that if I haven't used this game for one calendar year, it's

all yours.

Does that include taking Dad's card at the airport and using it as a gypsy cap?

Who's here?

Mom. Hey, guys. Dad, you're alive.

Yep, and guess what?

legs. I can't believe it. My parents repelling.

Actually, a helicopter came for your father.

Hey, repelling wasn't on my list.

Well, I feel like a whole new Maggie. There's nothing that I can't do now.

I'm just glad you made your list before they invented bungee jumping.

Bungee jumping?

What a great idea. I'm going to go make an appointment for us this evening. No,

no, no.

Do you remember last night at the lodge?

Yes, I do.

Mother and I are going bungee jumping.

an inch in diameter, light enough for me to carry on my belt without noticing.

But there I hung with only that rope between me and death. I saw my husband,

family, my career.

And I realized that I'm one of those lucky women who really does have it all.