Original subtitles

Okay, now hold this down and be careful. If those two wires touch, you can get a

nasty shock.

Ben? Yo.

Hold this down for me. Sure.

Ah! Got it!

Yeah! All right. All right. Look at this. One cable, three sets, different

channels. Luke, you're a genius.

Is it just me, or does this room taste like tinfoil?

Oh, I'm so... I'm so excited I finally get to get away with your father. Two

glorious days of dancing and gazing at the stars.

I thought you were reviewing this old folks resort for your consumer column.

Yeah, and why are you dragging Dad along, Mom? It is not an old folks

and I know your father is just as excited as I am.

Somebody just cover me with dirt and put me out of my misery.

and let's just finish getting you packed, and we'll talk about it on the

the cat school.

Oh, this isn't the weekend for that old folks resort, is it?

Jason, it is not an old folks resort. They cater to the over -40 crowd.

Well, make up your mind, Mom.

Jason, they said if we get there early enough, they'll give us one of their

honeymoon suites.

They have honeymoon suites at the old folks place?

What, do they give you a complimentary magnum of Geritol?

Honey, I'm sorry.

It's just that I'm so tired I can hardly wait to hit the road.

I'll get you back.

How come you guys are watching three TVs?

Dad, Dad, listen to this.

Carol's gone to school, right?

Chrissy's going to the Henderson's for the weekend. And Luke, Ben, and I are

going to live on this couch for two days of nonstop sports, greasy food, and all

-around knucklehead guy stuff.

Knucklehead guy stuff?

It's too bad you can't stay with us. I mean, nothing could ruin this perfect

weekend. Hello?

Yeah. Carol, what are you doing here?

Fran set fire to our dorm room with her butane curling iron. All right, I got

chips, Slim Jims, pork rinds, and spray cheese.

Ah! What are you doing here?

Okay, Jason, I left your suitcase open upstairs. Just throw in your dancing

shoes and let's go.

Honey, just hypothetically speaking, what do you think would happen if I said

don't really want to go with you this weekend?

Well, hypothetically speaking, we could fit a bed in the basement.

Good thing that was a hypothetical question.

Jason, are you coming because you want to, or are you just being nice to me?

Honey, come on. We've been married for 23 years.

We don't have to be nice to each other.

Jason, why don't you just stay home?

All right.

I mean, all right.

Dad, you don't want Mom to make that long trip all by herself, do you?

Don't help me here, Mike.

No, but she can take Carol. What? Please, please, please, please, please.

Oh, come on, Carol. What do you say? You want to keep your old mom company?

Well, gee, Mom, I really have a lot of homework.

Oh, well, then, sure, Carol, stay with us. We'll stuff our faces together.

watch three TVs and do our version of The Wave.

Greek weekend?

Well, that's why everybody's so young and healthy.

With Pepsi to park a Toyota on.

You know, I usually respond to the come -hither vibes of younger babes, but in

your case, I have made an exception, and hither I came.

Shouldn't you be digesting a small rodent?

See, babe, I've got it, and I would like to share it.

With you.

How would you like to walk away before I slam it in a window?

You're kinky.

You're a naughty girl.

Five, four. Okay, okay. But I'm the only one here who's almost your age.

See me now or see me later.

Great. I've just been insulted by a walking oil slick.

Malcolm, I wish I'd known you were dragging me to a meat market.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I hope this doesn't disturb your studying.

Forget studying.

I left all my spandex at home.

Yes!

Doesn't get any better than this, boys.

Now, here's to good friends. Today is kind of special.

Get your mom, Dad. Hey, listen, just a second. You know that I love your mother

very much, and I cherish the time we spend together.

And I think we can all agree this place is a little empty without her.

So, what time are the Jamaican bobsled trials?

Let's go to Big Boy! Big Boy!

Okay.

They're in a half hour. Then we have to choose between the Wahine Bikini Contest

and Flycasting with Earl.

Wait a minute. Have Earl get on there.

Yes, my boys, this is the life.

I ordered five more pizzas.

Excellent!

Hello.

Dr. Seaver, I'm Nurse Rogers from Greenway Elementary.

Hello, sweetheart. What are you doing home? You're supposed to be at the

Henderson's. How is my little baby? She's got lice.

Okay.

Lice?

Ridiculous humanist capitalist, Dr. Seaver, otherwise known as good old

-fashioned... Oh, no, no, that can't be. That's impossible. We keep an

immaculate house around here. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Most of the time. She got it from another child in her class. It happens

finest schools, I assure you. There's absolutely no shame involved in this.

Shame? No, no, certainly not at all. Get out!

Now, this does not have to be a serious problem.

Yes, all right. Have a nice weekend.

Daddy, am I going to be all right?

Yes, come on. I'm going to take good care of you.

Here, Mike, what does it say to do?

Um, well, we have to wash your head with a special light shampoo and pick out

every single light tag off every strand of hair, vacuum the furniture, scrub the

floors, strip the beds, wash the sheets, stick your stuffed animals in plastic

bags. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mike, start over. What do we do first?

Kiss our weekend goodbye.

Waiter, could you tell us if there's anything special going on this weekend?

Well, I heard some stockbrokers are going to drink as much beer as they can

then burp the 1812 overture.

We were thinking more along the lines of organized activities.

Oh, well, there's the big dance tomorrow night.

Well,

it's just as well your father's not here.

There was a time when he used to do the hustle until his bell bottoms rang.

They called him Saturday Night Seaver.

Now the only time he picks up his feet is when I vacuum.

There's a young man over there that's looking at you.

I hate it when guys do this.

Come on, Mom. Which one? Which one?

The one in the blue turtleneck?

And he's definitely interested.

Okay, Mom.

Let's say he's actually interested. He takes me out, and I have the time of my

life. In two weeks, I'll be sitting by the phone, power -eating nachos seasoned

only by the salt of my tears.

Hi, I'm Brad. Buzz off, guzzbucket!

Oh, no, she's joking.

Oh. Are you sisters?

I bet you're the older one.

Not older, more beautiful.

Not that you're not beautiful. It's just that, well, she's blonde.

If it's real.

I think it is.

If you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go back to my room and re -spool my

floss.

He doesn't get out much.

Look, maybe this is a bad time.

We'll, uh, catch you later?

Maybe, maybe not.

We'll see.

I want him.

kind of machine that can only insult you.

Excellent base. You are amazing.

Hey, cupcakes.

You look a little winded. I'd like some mouth -to -mouth.

If you don't leave me alone, I'll have you arrested.

Cut me, frisk me, make me scream.

I got about ten seconds before I feel that.

So, I'm going to leave secure in the knowledge you dig me.

So, Mom, you want to try the rowing machine?

I'll try anything that doesn't talk.

I never realized how fun it was to build up a good, clean sweat.

Oh, my gosh. It's Brad.

I reek. I'm disgusting.

Maybe if I ignore him, he won't notice me.

Carol, right?

Remember me?

The scuzz bucket?

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just that, well, I had you confused with every other guy I've ever met.

Spot me on some lapis?

I'd love to.

Hi, my name's Dwight.

I'm Maggie.

Just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I get kind of tongue -tied around women.

Usually young women.

I mean, not that you're old.

I mean, you're pretty old.

You're pretty and old. Dwight, have we gotten to the apology part yet?

I'm sorry.

So are you with your husband?

No, it's just this girl, footloose and fancy free.

Groovy.

Tommy, are you mad at me?

No, why would you say that, sweetheart?

Because you're making the same noise as you do when you pay a bill.

Okay, I hate doing that.

But I love you, and when we love somebody, we'll do anything for them,

lice eggs out of their hair, help them with their homework, go places we don't

want to go, do things we don't want to do, like dancing.

You want to dance?

Great, I got my Muppets record!

No, no, no, wait, wait. Come here, sweetheart. Maybe later.

I still got a few more hairs to cover.

How many hairs do I have, Daddy? You have billions and billions.

I figure we've got about 40 loads of laundry left to do. Well, only 10 if we

soak Carol's stuff in kerosene and torch it.

Isn't Ben supposed to be helping you guys?

Oh, he's upstairs doing research.

He says he's trying to get into the head of a louse.

Yeah, should be a comfortable fit.

Hey, Ben, come on down here. We need you.

Dad, I've got some very powerful information that's going to save us a

work. What's that?

Whale. Platypuses and armadillos don't get lice.

I want you to put that book down and back away slowly.

What is the big deal?

Come on, this is an itty -bitty bug, and we're turning the house upside down.

If it was tarantulas, okay.

Cobras? I'm right there with you.

We were talking about lice. So they make you itch. I've been itching my whole

life. There's nothing to brag about, Ben.

Yeah, look, let me give it a shot. I speak Ben.

Now, listen.

Let's just say that one of these eggs hatches in this house, and just one of

these little cooties jumps into your hair. We are talking lice capades.

All right, then pretty soon people start calling you cootie head.

I've been called worse. And then you get sent home from school. Great, vacation.

And no girl will ever date you.

I want these lights found, and I want them dead.

Thanks for sitting in with us, Mom.

I mean, Brad and I just wanted to dance, and we're stuck with Dwight, and I'm

stuck with... Well, you don't have anybody else either.

I hope everybody understands that I am just here to eat.

Evening, ladies.

Hi, Brad.

I picked these out especially for you.

Oh, Mom.

Have you ever seen such beautiful flowers?

Well, as a matter of fact.

Carol, you want to dance?

Love to.

Dwight, what's this?

Flowers.

Sit down, Dwight. I think we have to clear something up.

Great.

I should have known an attractive woman like you wouldn't be interested in me.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

$15 .95 for the flowers.

Nice going, Dwight. You just told her how much they cost.

And you're talking to yourself. Stupid, stupid, stupid, Dwight. Dwight, Dwight,

quit beating yourself up. I think there's just been a little

here. This is not a date.

But when Carol set this up, you said yes.

I said yes to dinner, not flowers and... Lemon

pledge?

I was in a hurry. I packed the wrong can.

Why, I am a happily married woman.

But in the exercise room, you said that you were footloose and fancy free.

And you said groovy.

I just hit on a married woman.

Well, the only thing left for me to do now is to go back to my room and rotate

my shoe trees.

Move, Dwight. Sit down.

Now, there's a room full of girls your age. Why aren't you talking to them?

Girls my age don't find me exciting.

Well, have you ever tried talking to one of them the way you're talking to me

right now?

Oh, I'd like to, but I can't.

Just once, I'd like to be one of those smooth operators who just walks up to

woman in the room and says exactly what's on his mind. Hey, baby, want to

my kneecaps?

No, but I'd like to break them.

If you won't dance with me, I'll gouge my eyes out with a cocktail fork.

Oh, I'm sorry. I promised this dance to Dwight, but here.

Thank you for getting me away from that guy. We can stop anytime you like.

Okay.

You can dance.

Well, is this a regular PE?

I washed all the sheets, vacuumed the mattresses and box springs.

Good. Hey, where's Ben?

I think he's upstairs, scrubbing everything that hasn't been nailed down.

Look, he's known Ben longer than I have.

I mean, I'm glad that he's doing all the work, but does he always get carried

away like this?

Who gave you guys the day off? There's work to be done.

Have mercy on us, rubber man.

I think we're finished.

Oh, really?

I'll be the judge of that.

Let's go to the big board.

There's no checkbox next to stuffed animals. Mike and I put them in plastic

to starve the life, your rubberness.

What is this, some kind of joke to you guys?

This is my life here. I'm trying to deal with a major health crisis, and I'm

sure Dad will back me on this.

Ben, take off that outfit.

You look like a bathtub stopper.

Well, you tell the lord of latex here that we're done.

I'm sorry, Dad, but we are not done until the cootie board says... Oh, we're

done.

Good,

I'm going out. Mike, I'm going to leave you in charge of the others.

Okay. Oh, that's nice to know I'm your first choice, Dad.

You weren't. Carol's out and Chrissy's too short.

Where are you going?

Oh, I have some unfinished business to take care of. I'm going to call you guys

in a couple hours.

Okay. See ya. Bye -bye.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm watching the all -girl tractor tour. All

right.

Good thing Mr.

Blowhole would like a cheese sandwich. Okay, one cheese sandwich coming up.

Mr. Who?

What's Mr. Blowhole doing out of the plastic bag?

I took him out this morning.

You what?

Don't you remember?

Ben said whales don't get life.

Crispy, could you please tell me you didn't drag Mr. Blowhole all over the

house? I didn't.

Thank goodness. Mr. Blocher was scared of the basement.

Christy! That does it. We have to clean the whole house all over again. Ben,

Ben, look, just stay calm, all right? Stay calm.

Do you have to shampoo my head again, too?

Not necessarily.

Christy, how'd you like to look like Sinead O 'Connor?

Kind of dark.

Yeah, I've never been here at night.

Hope we don't get in trouble.

I'm already in trouble.

Slowpoke. My God, Carol.

I thought that was you.

So, where were we?

We were kissing.

Right. And I was about to leave.

Why? We were getting along great.

No, we weren't. You were. I don't get it.

I need somebody who means it when he kisses me and doesn't lie.

When did I lie?

You said you had never been in here before.

But you knew exactly where the lights were.

Maggie, please.

I'm not as young as I used to be.

You two are great. And, Mom, you're amazing.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart. You seem pretty chipper yourself.

It feels so good to dump a hunk.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the last dance of the evening.

Dwight, do you have enough strength for one more foxtrot?

South Philly or Harvest Moon?

Surprise me.

May I cut in?

Jason! Oh, honey, what are you doing here?

Well, after we finished dinner, I had a craving for something sweet.

My Saturday night fever is back.

Oh.

Something different about you tonight, Meg. Oh, there is what?

No, it's kind of a sort of a tingly, intense, light, sort of super -meggy

of thing.

Thank you.

The

more

I see you... Oh, I can't believe you're here.

The more I want you, baby, somehow the feeling

just grows and grows.