Original subtitles

Okay.

All right.

Thank you.

You know, Mike, I had a great time tonight. Oh, I did too, Kate. And I had

great time last night. Oh, me too, Kate.

You know, maybe we should start dating again.

Kate, I don't know when we'd have the time. I spend every night with you.

Well, I know. That's what I mean. Maybe we should be dating.

Oh, I get it. I get it. You want me to come to the door instead of honking. No.

Well, yes, actually.

But it would be nice if we were officially seeing each other. I mean, I

idea of commitment frightens me. Well, smell that.

Something's burning.

Why do you always run when I bring up the subject of dating? Hey, Kate, I

I swear to heck out of me. Oh, come on. Eddie, this is my apartment.

All right, apology accepted.

Come on, come on, Eddie. Come on, get out. No, no, Mike, I got something real

important to tell you. Eddie, Mike and I were talking about something important,

too. Yeah, Eddie, we were talking about... Hey, Eddie, how you doing? Long

no see. No, no, no, I'm sorry. I can't hold this in any longer.

Michael, Kate, I'm getting married.

Yeah, I was drunk and done with joy at first, too.

What are you talking about? You getting married? Yeah, right. Hey, I'm serious,

Mike. Now, I know in the past I may have been a little footloose. I suppose you

could even say... Oh, what's the word?

Sleazy?

Yeah, yeah.

But I'm a changed man.

And if it weren't for you and Kate, I'd never have met my beloved Tina.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Tina?

Not Tina, the hat check girl.

Oh, she does so many things.

Now, you guys were there for the start of my romance with Tina, and we'd like

you there for the end.

You're my best friend, Michael.

Will you give me away?

I can't believe this. You're actually getting married?

Hey, look, look, look. Before you do anything, just go downstairs and spend

minutes with my parents.

Mike! Come on, this is wonderful news.

It's not something to joke about.

Marriage is a very beautiful and serious thing. Right, Eddie?

You!

Eddie! Wait till you see my true self.

It doesn't get any more serious than this.

The best is ready to begin.

Or the tip -off.

I gotta get me

some friends.

Run away, squid lips!

What a cool machine!

Well, while I'm upstairs talking to Mike, feel free to snip the upholstery.

Vegas? As in Las Vegas?

Well, that's where the wedding is.

Oh, come on, Eddie. You didn't tell me that last night. Well, as my best man,

you're supposed to know these things. Come on.

Now, let's see. We'll fly to Vegas, have the wedding, see naughty girls on ice.

We should be back by Monday.

Oh, come on, Eddie. Man, this is crazy.

No, no. Wait till you see him skate.

Okay, here's the tickets.

Here's the rings.

Is there anything I'm forgetting?

Have, uh, blood tests?

Nah, I don't need them. I can marry a chimpanzee and no one would care. That's

the beauty of Vegas!

Hey, Eddie!

The seats taste better than they smell!

Ben, quit slobbering in my car!

Oh, one more thing, Mike.

I'd appreciate it if you'd keep this whole marriage thing a secret.

Why? My parents aren't too happy about it. I told them Tina and I were engaged.

My mom flung herself out the window.

Then so he'll have the limo back and...

a lint to sniff the upholstery, too.

Ben! Ben!

If you want me to clean this dump, then I want my two bucks in advance.

Oh, hey, come on. You trust me, don't you, kiddo? What am I, Ben?

Okay. All right, okay. Here you go. Two dollars.

Where are you going?

Uh, I'm going to, uh... I'm going on a little trip with Eddie.

Those are mine.

What are you doing with this wedding ring? You're not married, are you?

Look, Christy, on second thought, I really don't need your help, okay? All

right, move it out. Let's go.

Hello? Yeah, Kate, start packing your bags. This wedding is in Vegas.

Where's Mike? You know, I called up the garage about ten minutes ago. Have you

seen him, Jason? No.

He said he was going on a trip.

Eddie. But he didn't go with Eddie. He went with Kate.

He's out with Kate?

On a date? He took a whole lot of underwear.

Mike went on a trip with Eddie. He went on a trip with Kate. Eddie. Kate!

Who are you going to believe? Your daughter who's reading that second grade

level? Or Jello had hair?

That's what you know. I saw Eddie pick Mike up in a limo to take him to Vegas

get married.

What?

Why would Mike marry Eddie?

Don't panic.

This might be another one of Ben's bonehead mistakes.

In a limo, Jason, with lots of underwear.

And wedding rings.

Oh, Jason, what are we going to do?

I'd just like to point out that there's no need to think Mike's making a mistake

just because your marriage turned out the way it has.

You know, Maggie, she's right.

Excuse me, everybody.

Can I have your attention, please?

My good friends, Eddie and Tina here, are getting married when we get to Las

Vegas, so I'd like all of you to join me in wishing them the best of luck.

Okay?

The drinks are on me.

Okay. And the best man, my Mikey, who I was going out with when I met my honey

man, when he was going out with a maid of honor behind my back before I had it

back, before she changed her name from Julie.

What?

This way.

Uh, excuse me, sweetheart.

Hey.

Where are you going?

Oh, to give these poor, overworked young ladies a hand. I just want to say, I'm

sorry I can't throw your bachelor party.

That's okay. You can do it after I'm married.

It's the least I can do buying all these drinks for everybody. I mean, hey, how

many times is my pro going to get married?

Who knows?

What do you mean? Come on, Eddie. You love Tina, right?

Oh, what's not to love?

Yeah, so you guys really get along?

Oh, she expects nothing from me, Mike, and I can deliver.

Oh, well, that's good, Eddie. You know, I'll tell you something.

I didn't really plan on settling down until, well...

Never actually went. Hey, what the heck? Marriage will be a hoot.

A hoot? Yeah, you know, I have never, ever met any woman like Tina before.

Yeah?

Except maybe Gloria.

I have to call Gloria. Whoa, whoa, Eddie. Eddie, who's Gloria?

This girl I was supposed to go out with tonight until this whole wedding thing

came up. Eddie.

Eddie, come on, man. You are getting married.

Well, not until tomorrow.

It's because I'm married, isn't it?

See my wedding ring?

Gone. Ah, Kate, Kate, look, I need to talk to you. What about?

Ah, be private.

No, no, no.

Come on.

Thanks for the drink, Spike.

Julie.

Look, look, Kate, I... Wait, I'll do it? Come here, just come here.

Wait,

what is going on? Kate, look, I've been thinking, all right? This whole marriage

business, I don't know, it just really made me think.

And, Kate, how do you know when you're ready to be married?

Mike, Mike, what is this?

Are you proposing?

What, what?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Kate, I'm talking about Eddie.

See, I think that he's really making a big mistake with this wedding.

Oh? Yes, he's saying all these ridiculous things about marriage. I

thinks it's going to be a hoot.

That's just like you. You think that marriage is the end of everything good

instead of the beginning.

Kate, come on. Can we stick to the subject, please?

If everything is a mistake, at least he's ready to make a mistake instead of

being afraid to commit to a relationship.

Afraid? You're calling me afraid?

Well, yeah.

Oh.

Kate, I met my first husband that way.

On a biplane.

I'm going to go help Eddie get some nuts.

Just think, in a few hours, all this will be Eddie's.

Tina, what made you decide to marry Eddie?

He asked me.

That's it?

Don't be silly. I had other reasons.

Serious reasons. Like his hair.

Because you like his hair?

I'm marrying Eddie because he has hair.

See, most of the guys I've dated have been kind of old and overweight and

Why?

From life expectancy charts, it seemed like a way to go.

Eddie's really the first guy who doesn't wear a toupee.

At least I don't think it's a toupee.

Me neither.

Just think.

Then I'll be Mrs. Edward.

Mrs. Edward.

Zeph?

Is that his last name?

Tina, I get the feeling you don't know Eddie all that well.

I don't want to spoil the fun.

But marriage is a serious step.

Oh, I know it is.

Mom always told me to look for Mr.

Right. She said when you find him, you get this feeling in your stomach, and

know.

What happened when she met my dad?

Oh, that's sweet. And your dad was Mr. Right?

No, it turned out she had a bug or something.

By that time, she'd already married him. And her life was hell.

Boy, a story like that really makes you think.

I mean, you don't want to make a big mistake.

Gee, I don't see how you get that out of it.

Well, what else could it mean?

in your stomach when it could turn out to be gas.

Look, Eddie, I wanted to ask you, have you really thought about what marriage

going to be like?

Oh, I can't stop thinking about it.

Yes, so you don't have any doubts?

You think I should have doubts?

You think there's a chance I might not be doing the right thing? Well,

it's just like you to think that marriage is the end of everything good

of the beginning.

Hey, look, if you're happy, then I'm happy. I'm behind you a thousand

Oh, thanks, man. That means a lot to me.

Mike, can I talk to you? Oh, yeah, Kate, Kate, yeah. I was just telling...

Kate,

Kate, look, I just wanted to tell you, I think you were absolutely right.

You know, you should have seen the look on Eddie's face when I told him that

this marriage was a good idea.

Why on earth would you do that?

Well, because...

Because you told me to.

Oh, out of all the times I've told you things, you picked this one to start

listening?

Yes, hello, Cupid's Cathedral?

Yes, I am trying to find a couple that is about to make a tragic mistake.

What do you mean, take my pick?

Oh, Jason, it's no use. There must be 50 chapels in Las Vegas.

Hey, Maggie, the gold diggers are headlining at Circus Circus.

Jason, please try and stay focused here. Honey, I'm just trying to find

something to be happy about.

This is pointless. What if we do find Mike? What are we going to do, ground

Send him to a suite without room service?

I am not giving up. I am not forgetting why I'm here.

I'll take the chapels from Adam's Rib to Marriage is a Rust. Okay.

And you take Naughty But Nice to Zing, Zing, Zing With My Heart. Okay.

here to get married?

We don't do groups.

No, no, no, sir. We're not getting married. Just they are.

That's $9 .95 for the we've only just begun chapel or $19

.95 for the you're having my baby chapel.

Well, what's the difference?

$10.

We cannot let him go through with this. What are we supposed to do?

Well, I think it's time to be a man and then to go in there and tell him that

this is a big mistake.

All right, well, go ahead. Tell him.

Frank, it should come from a friend.

You tell Eddie.

Okay, all right.

I think this wedding is the biggest mistake of your life.

Wrong chapel.

Are you kids ready?

Oh, yeah.

Wait, I'm not sure.

Oh, yeah.

Ah!

Okay, I'm sure.

Hey, you being here means a lot to me, bro. Yeah.

All right, the bride and the groom stand here, and the best man and the maid of

honor at their side.

to join this man, Edward Cornelius Zeph, and this woman, Tina Louise,

in holy matrimony.

This is his decision. It's his life.

I mean, who am I to tell him what to do? Like, my relationship's working out so

hot.

You're my best friend, Mike.

Will you give me away?

Someone should tell him the truth.

You think I should have doubts?

You think I might not be doing the right thing?

It should come from a friend, Mike.

You tell Eddie.

You being here means a lot to me, bro.

If anyone knows why these two should not be wed, speak now.

Now.

I mean, no.

Look, you guys, you can't do this. This is not right.

I mean, I don't know. I just know that marriage is not something that you're

supposed to fool around with.

I mean, it's more important than that.

Marriage is even more important than love because it's about two people

the rest of their lives together.

It's like two people becoming one new person, and I wouldn't be a friend if I

didn't say something.

I don't know. Maybe you think I'm not a friend because I did.

Want to call it off?

Sure. What the hell?

That's settled. Anybody want to see bottoms up, 91?

I do, I do.

I came here to say that, and I said it.

Hey, you guys going to come along?

All right, we'll catch up to you later.

That's why we take the money first.

That was quite a speech you made.

Oh, man, it was me, wasn't it?

Where did all that come from?

I don't know.

I don't know. I just opened my mouth and got it came.

I would have stopped myself, but I wanted to see how it finished.

But you did believe what you said.

Mike?

Yeah, I was just going to see if I believed it.

I thought it was beautiful.

You really surprised me.

Yeah, me too.

So what other surprises you got for me?

Jason, I have a good feeling about this.

Wow, one of the monkeys was married here.

My God, we're too late.

Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing here?

We can be big about this.

Welcome to our family.

I know I can get to like you eventually.

No, no, no, no.

Mike and I aren't married.

Mike, do you still have our rings?

Welcome to our family.

Aren't you married to anyone?

No, no, Mom, I came here as Eddie's best man, but they just called the wedding

off. I am so relieved.

Oh, not that marrying you would be the worst thing Mike's ever done.

Oh, no, I mean, there is a chance that you're a fine young lady.

Hey, I've got a great idea. Why don't we all just leave before we say something

stupid?

Kate, what do you say we start dating again?

I don't know when we'd have the time. We're seeing each other almost every

night.

I knew I'd hear that saying that. They'll be

back.