Original subtitles

No, I was very clear with the funeral director.

I want a taped hymns at my father's service, not a live organist playing

selections from Fiddler on the Roof.

No, I want a refund, and I want it now.

Hold on.

This better be important.

Yeah, it is. Where do you keep your bras and flips?

Ben, whatever kind of stupid stunt you're up to, I am not in the mood.

about your panties?

Mom, this isn't like those other times.

Trust me. Out.

Look, the bottom line is, either you get a check in the mail today, or I'll have

my attorney call you and... Excuse me, can you hold on?

I've got someone on the other line.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mom.

Hi, Mom. Look, I've got someone on the other line. Can I... Oh, Mom, I know

hard going through Dad's things, but can't you just put it off for a little

while?

Well, that's very sweet, but Jason has all the white belts he needs.

Can you hang on for a minute, Mom?

Look, either you get your act together or I'll sew your pants off.

Mom, oh.

If you could only have one pair of shoes, which pair would they be?

Chrissy, can't you see I'm on the phone?

Uh -huh. So which pair?

Later, Chrissy.

I suggest the flats.

You're a tall woman.

Chrissy, go into the other room and don't bother me with your nonsense.

Boots. Definitely boots.

So, pretty what pair?

I don't know. She bit my head off.

Over here. Let me give it a shot. She could never resist her firstborn.

Oh, Mother!

All right, here we go. Here's some cash. This is for food and emergencies, our

flight information.

Shh! Dad, if you keep talking, she'll find out about the trip.

Ow!

Fine, go barefoot for all I care.

Dad, why'd you marry her? I'll be fine. Wait, wait, wait. We have to, hey, a

little bit of understanding towards your mother right now. It's only been two

weeks since Grandpa Ed died.

I'm sad about Grandpa, too, but I don't go around yelling at everybody.

Come on, your mom's got some very confused and very sad feelings inside

right now, you know?

And I know it's hard, but we have to show a little patience, some simple

kindness towards each other, okay?

Dad, I packed everything else you said, but she's going without her underwear.

Good work, son.

you're crying we know we're near the best is ready

to

I am trying to reach Mr. Henderson in claims.

Yes, I would like to leave another message. Would you please tell him that

42 years, my father never missed a payment on that life insurance policy,

if it meant that I had to go without tap shoes?

No, I am not a dancer.

And that's the reason why.

But the point being that my mother is waiting for that money, and the next

you get is going to be from my mother's attorney, and I'm going to... You hung

up on me.

No, I hung up on you.

You... Why did I marry you?

Maggie, if Mr. Henderson wants to hear the end of that message, then he can

simply refer to yesterday's call or the day before.

This one was going to be really good. You know something, Maggie? I think that

you just need a little bit of a break.

I'm in an airport, on an airplane, in coach section.

You couldn't be more wrong.

Conductor, we had a sleeper.

Can I please take off this ridiculous blindfold? All right, all right. Okay.

Ta -da!

Wow.

We're on an airplane.

Yes. A getaway trip, Maggie. Believe me, sweetheart, you need it. Honey, that's

wonderful, but I can't go away now. Yes, you can, of course. Who's going to take

care of the kids? Mike and Carol. But I've got to... Maggie, please. All that

stuff is still going to be there when we get back from...

Somewhere. But what about my dad's insurance? And what about... Where are

going? No, no, no. I am not going to tell you unless you come along.

Good morning.

And welcome aboard flight 1265 with non -stop service.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Excuse me, no, I'm taking my wife on a very special trip, so could we just not

mention where we're going?

Oh, but this was going to be my first time to say where we were going.

Well, but if it's okay with everybody else, would it be okay with you?

I guess.

Excuse me. I was saying that this is a very special trip for my wife and I.

She's the very attractive blonde right up there in the whole mood.

Come on, Maggie.

Maggie Sears. Stand up, Maggie. Don't hide. Come on, Maggie. There she is.

That's Maggie.

Because this is a very special trip, it would really mean a lot to us and to our

marriage if we could just not mention the destination.

Would that be all right?

Will the pilot know?

Yes, he will. Oh, okay.

And thank you all. We really appreciate that. And, well, it means a whole lot

for our marriage of 22 years.

Excuse me.

I want you to know that my wife and I have been married for 22 years also. Oh,

that's nice.

Want to swap?

All right, this week is going to be a snap.

And with all the money that Dad left us for emergencies, I'm only $20 short of a

new car stereo.

Mike, what you don't realize is that this is a golden opportunity.

A chance to take over from Mom and Dad.

and finally do the job right.

Oh, Carol, your way sounds like work.

I'll make it easy for you. There are two of us and two of them.

I say we divide and conquer.

I, of course, will get the mature one. Okay, okay, fine. I'll take Ben. He's

easier to handle anyway. He understands the value of a dollar.

Oh, some parent you would make. You pay him to behave.

No, he pays me not to smack him around.

And for you, Chrissy, I've planned a healthy regimen of diet, Exercise and

stimulating play.

Chris, see?

Look, Ben, you don't want any problems, either do I. Okay, here's the deal. You

give me $20, you stay out of trouble, and I leave you alone.

Oh, thanks.

I figured you'd ask for $50.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute. Pal, it's Monday.

It's a weekday, 10 in the morning. What does that tell you?

Andy Griffiths is on?

No, Ben. School.

Come on. For your information, Andy Griffiths is 10 .30.

Mike, Mike, you're missing the big picture here. See, Mom and Dad got so

they didn't even notice I didn't go. Pretty cool, huh?

Nice try, Benny. Come on, go to school.

Maybe this would change your mind.

Nope.

Come on, Ben. If Mom and Dad find out that I let you skip school, they'll kill

me. But, no, no, no buts. Go to school.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Which way did she go?

Oh, are we having a little problem with our daughter?

Oh, like things are going so smoothly with Ben. They are. It's a piece of

Carol. Come on. Benny and I have an understanding.

We reason together.

He respects me.

I see. So that's why he's driving off in your car?

Here's your Mai Tai and your macadamia nut.

Now, which one of our Aloha Island dinners would you like to order?

We're not hungry.

Honey, it's not her fault.

She paid to give us lays.

Besides, I don't have a don -ho of a clue where we're going.

Yes, officer, it's a convertible with license plate number... Forget it. It

walked in.

Explain. It just happened. Oh, it just happened? You just happened to unlock my

car door, start the car, and drive out the driveway?

Well, I was just going to drive it back and forth in the driveway, and I got

lost. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Tell me, mister, how do you get lost in a driveway?

Well, I didn't have a map. And once you get on that turnpike, you got to keep

going. You, you, you, you got on the turnpike? Yeah, until the policeman

me. The policeman? Yeah, he got a ticket. Well, what?

They couldn't give it to me. I don't have a license.

I borrowed yours.

Oh, oh, oh, that's it. You are grounded, mister. You hear me?

Go to your room.

You think you can make me?

Okay, I'll go. But only because I was going to anyway.

Ooh, I'm grounded.

Mike, I need help. Carol.

Yeah, well, no one can help.

Mike, she's teaching me Latin, and I'm not too good with English yet.

Chrissy! Quo vadis?

Now, now, Chrissy, you know that free play is until 3 .15. Come on, Carol,

the kid a break.

Chrissy, please translate the following.

Omnibus.

Any consolation, I don't know which island in Hawaii we're on.

I'm never surprising you again.

I take my mask off now.

Why? You already know where we are.

We're going kayaking?

Oh, no, Maggie, we're going camping.

Really? Yeah.

We always talked about this.

Two beach bums in paradise.

It's like we have the whole island to ourselves.

Oh, dear.

Honey?

What's wrong?

Everything.

Honey. Okay, I'm fine. Let's go.

But, uh, you were crying.

I know. I'm sorry.

I got carried away. Come on. Let's have fun, fun, fun.

Sengard, it's all right to grieve. Yes, Doctor.

And I remember when my dad died. Honey, I remember.

I was there.

Maggie, you can't hide your feelings.

Jason, do I look like an unhappy person?

Yeah.

Well, I'm not. Well, I don't believe you.

Jason, we have flown all the way to Hawaii. Can't we at least enjoy it? Yes,

course, sweetheart.

Look, I want you to know, if there's anything at all bothering you, anything,

please, I want you to talk to me. Will you quit being so nice? I don't deserve

it. What do you mean you don't deserve it? Nothing, nothing. Just drive.

Look, I'd be doing you a disservice if I let you duck the feelings you've had

about your dad. I'm not feeling what I should be feeling, okay?

We're supposed to eat this?

It looks like something a dog coughed up.

I'm ordering pizza.

Hey, now look, I spent the last two hours boiling this garbage. Now nobody

leaves until every last liver burger is gone.

Okay.

Hey, hey.

Hey, we want extra cheese and pepperoni on that pizza? All right, all right,

pal. You have gone too far this time. No more telephone for you until Mom and

Dad get home.

I don't have to put up with this. I'm taller than you.

Mike, he's testing you. You have to draw the line.

Watch your elbow.

It's hurting you.

You don't have to help me for this. You sound just like mom.

Does mom do this?

Come on, sit over here and take a load off.

I'm sorry, I got upset.

Yeah, it's me who should apologize, not you.

What for?

For not bringing your underwear.

This wasn't like the other time. This was an honest mistake.

Well, that's very sweet, but don't worry, I'm wearing yours.

What's for dinner?

Marshmallows.

That's it? I'm sorry, I was a little distracted today. I didn't get to the

market. Oh.

I've ruined our whole vacation. Nah, I got lots of marshmallows.

Remember what a terrible time we had the last time we went camping? We had a

great time.

No, no, no. I'm talking about when Ben and Mike and Carol were babies and Mike

had diarrhea and it rained and everything got all wet. I'm talking

same trip.

Well, what was so nice about that?

We were together, Maggie.

And it was so sweet watching you with Mike.

Rocking him in your arms till he fell asleep, which he never did.

I'd forgotten all about that.

Wasn't that just last week?

No, that was me you rocked last week.

I'd be lucky to get a minute with him nowadays.

They grow up in a hurry, don't they?

You know who we sound like?

We sound like our parents talking.

Well, the one joy that I get in all this is that someday Mike and Carol and Ben

and Chrissy are all going to be sitting around a campfire like this, suddenly

dumbstruck at the very thought that they are sounding like, oh, they're all of

us.

You okay?

I want to tell you what I meant today when I said that I wasn't feeling the

right feelings.

You know the day of his funeral?

When I saw Daddy there in that coffin?

I thought... I thought, what a shame. Of course, sweetheart. He's your father.

No, that's not what I mean. I thought... What?

Well, I thought about all the work and the care he put into raising me, and in

the end, I... What, honey?

It's a horrible thought.

What'd you say?

I didn't need him anymore.

I mean, sure, I loved him, and I miss him terribly, but honestly, how much a

part of my life was he?

I mean... I never listened to his advice. His opinions were always nutty,

and sometimes it was just easier to ignore him.

I mean, God help me.

I loved it when he sat at the kids' table at Thanksgiving.

Honey, that's no reason to feel guilty. That's just the way things work.

Like we were saying about Mike when he was a little baby, he needed every word

you had to say.

And now we've created someone who doesn't listen to anything we have to

We've done our job well.

Oh, Jason, don't you see?

One day it's going to be our turn. I mean, someday we'll die and one of our

will be sitting here telling someone how you and I weren't important to their

lives either.

I mean, after all the work we put in, after all the bottles and the dirty

diapers and the birthdays and the vacations, I mean, it won't mean a

What's the point?

Well, that's what's bothering you then. It's not just your dad.

Well, if that sweet, caring man ended up with someone like me, what do I have to

hope for? Well, aren't you being just a little pessimistic?

Am I? I mean it, Maggie. Come on. You influence your kids in a thousand ways.

Mike's charm and Carol's brains and Chrissy's cuteness and Ben's...

height.

This doesn't bother you at all, does it? No, no.

Jason, that really ticks me off.

Have you ever noticed the way I toast a marshmallow?

Yeah, and that really ticks me off, too.

I do. It's perfect, Maggie.

Perfect.

All nice and even and brown on all sides.

You know who else toasts his marshmallows that way?

No.

My dad.

I noticed that just a couple years ago.

And that one small connection, Maggie, made me see that my dad influenced me in

countless ways.

Ways I can't even imagine.

Just like your dad has influenced you and just like we will influence our

You know what my dad would say if he heard you talking like this?

No.

But I'm sure you do.

I wish I could be sure.

Freeze, Ben!

You slept down here?

I was asleep.

Who slept?

I've been standing guard so the little weasel wouldn't sneak out.

Oh, where's Christy?

Safe. She's locked in her room. Oh, good. You locked her up, too?

No, she locked herself in.

Oh.

Well, I'm just sorry I gotta let Benny out for school.

Well, I hope you nailed his window shut so he didn't climb down the trellis.

Let's go.

The meter's running.

We didn't call a cab.

Chrissy, Siva, drop off at Parkway Preschool. That's right. Let's go.

You called a cab?

Why in the world did you do that? I drive you to preschool.

A cab driver is not going to sing you songs, and he's not going to tell you

personal victory stories.

I know. I checked. Let's go.

I'm on my home.

Look, I...

really sorry, but this has been a mistake. She's only four years old. All

I'm going to kill him. You!

You kids married too young.

You got another ticket, Mike?

What? Yeah. You're lucky the driver of the car you hit didn't press charges.

Oh, and you are going to pay a lot more than your money, pal. Hey, hey, what are

you doing? Ow!

Come here!

You have had it!

up to be.

Anybody want to help me with the bags?

Harold tried to mold me and Mike tried to give us liver poison.

Mom, I don't know how you put up with her, especially if you did such a good

with me.

Rope burns, Mom. Rope burns. Need I say more?

And then he even told me that this was hurting him more than it was hurting me

and that someday I'd thank him for it.

That's what I say.

Yeah, he's gone nuts.

Mike, did you say that?

Look, I opened my mouth and it came out.

Just came out?

Yeah, you put it there.

More bad news, Mom. Mike even tried to charge me money

to behave.

Yeah, I was shocked, too.

I don't care.

And worse than that, Carol's victory story said they'd me want to give up

completely. Oh, that's wonderful.

Mom, I don't know how you put up with... Any of them. I mean, one day they're

going to realize how great you are and what festering scum they are.

Oh, Carol, sometimes you say the sweetest thing.