Original subtitles

And coming up later tonight, Stephen Bosco's Cop Rock.

Okay, Chrissy, it's time for us to leave.

Mom, are you going to be home late? Am I going to have to miss Cop Rock?

Honey, it's not your bedtime.

But it's breakthrough television.

To bed.

Good night.

Chrissy, you won't be needing that.

Carol, I'm counting on you to make sure that... Chrissy's in bed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why are you complaining about babysitting? It's not like you had a

Just go.

Well, I'm all done doing the dishes on a night that's not even my turn. Hey,

that's good, Ben.

That was great bean salad, Mom. Interesting, but not dangerous.

Thanks, Ben.

May I have your recipe?

It won't do you any good. We're still going to parents' night.

Is that tonight?

Oh, should I ground him now or later?

Look, this is like all those times I got in trouble way back... When was that?

Oh, last semester?

Okay, look, what I'm saying is I'm more mature.

When's the last time you guys saw me blow milk through my nose?

Well... Okay, that doesn't count, though. It wasn't milk.

And just the other day, I had gas, and I kept it all to myself.

Yeah.

Okay, not completely to myself, but... Look, honey, we have noticed that you're

more mature.

You haven't gotten into any trouble in weeks, your grades are fine, and my

is you've got all your teachers buffaloed. You bet I do.

Let's roll, Maggie.

Remember, these are bitter people who don't make a lot of money.

We know we're needed We know we're needed The best is ready to

Mrs. Kruppmeyer. Yes, I'm glad we got to talk. It's great to hear Ben finally

buckling down like that. Well, I like teaching children and I like cutting up

frogs.

But isn't this an English class?

Yes.

Mrs. Kruppmeyer.

We're having a great night.

That's the sixth teacher who's been glowing about Ben.

They sure must have lowered their standards since Mike went here.

Attention, parents.

to get your child's locker combination so you can root through their personal

belongings.

Oh, thank you.

We don't have to root through Ben's locker. Of course we don't have to. We

to.

Ben wouldn't hide anything from us.

Is he such a good student?

No, because he's not slick enough to get anything past it. Oh, Jason, you mean

you're going to stand here and do nothing?

No, I'm going to go in the boys' room and do something.

Hey, look out!

Horse of habit.

Men, men, men, men, men, men. How can we be expected to have our children follow

our example if we ourselves don't set it? Come on, the Surgeon General's

is a generation old. Isn't it time that we need a light?

No, thanks.

It's slick.

Boy,

this takes me back.

I remember in my school, this is where you get your real education.

Mr. Little Bites.

Isn't that funny?

No, I'm Mr. Little.

I just find that it was ironic that they should say something so disrespectful

and then still use the traditional expression of goodwill, mister.

What kind of goofball are you?

Psychiatrist.

Dr. Seaver.

Dr. Seaver? Hello.

Whoa!

Hey!

Dr. Seaver!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, Mo!

Mo! Mo Green!

Mo Green.

Rhonda's dad?

That would be Rhonda Green.

Now I see where Ben gets it. Oh, I love that knucklehead. Oh, yeah, you do? If I

didn't, how else could I put up with him for six nights a week? Six nights a

week? Ben's practically part of the family.

Ben Stevens.

Will you stop it? You're killing me.

Look, I want to compliment you. He's a great kid. And such a hard worker.

Cleaning the garage, washing the dishes, raking the lawn, fixing the plumbing.

Was it you that taught him all about transmissions?

S -E -A -V -E -R.

I don't know. I can't spell. I'm illiterate.

I'm just so glad we're getting along because I wouldn't be surprised if one

these days you and me are related, if you know what I mean.

What the hell are you talking about?

Ben and Rhonda.

Hey, how come you're acting like you don't know what's going on when you

them a big six -week anniversary party, huh?

Come on in here. There's something I want you to hear.

Ooh, I love this guy!

But if he's been dating her for six weeks, why haven't we met? I don't know.

how could he sneak out of the house every night for six weeks? I don't know.

Listen, what do you know? I know I don't like getting noogies.

Where's Ben?

No good evening?

No, thank you for babysitting. No gratitude for my time?

That's right.

Where's Ben?

don't care. With an attitude like that, it's no wonder little Ben is sticking

around with this 14 -year -old girl with pantyhose in his locker.

What?

You think I have an attitude?

Well, you guys must be really hungry after hearing all those

great things about me.

Ben, I've never been more disappointed in you in my life.

Hey, it wasn't my idea to basil in the toilet seats in the teacher's lounge.

Um, hey, they were going to throw out the dissected frogs anyway, so why

couldn't I use them?

Let me give you a hint, Ben.

You know Moe.

Moe than you think.

Well, then I guess there's no reason for me to say anything, but good night.

Don't count on it, mister.

Why haven't we met, Rhonda? Six weeks.

Part of the family. Fixing transmissions without permission.

Don't you sit there and say something.

I really, really, really love you guys.

Uh -uh.

Okay, look. I'm dating this girl named Rhonda.

There. It's out in the open. I feel better.

From the beginning, Ben, and include all the lies, falsehoods, and deceptions.

Um... I'm waiting for the old ripple dissolve, Ben.

Well, it was during the first or second week at school. I'm not sure.

But I know it was after my English class because there was frog blood on my

shoes. I was getting my lunch from my locker when I saw her.

That's the last time I wore white shoes to English class.

During my class?

Yeah. I had no idea high school English would be like this. Do you want to go

out to a movie?

Huh?

Oh, right.

I'm Rhonda Green, but you're probably busy, so just forget I asked.

Wait a minute.

You're asking me out on a date?

You act like this never happened to you before.

Are you kidding?

Usually it's groups of women asking me out.

So, what night?

Any night. I'm free then, too.

Okay, we'll work the details out after school.

Behind the dumpster? The one that smells really bad?

I know it well.

Oh, and just so you don't worry, I'll pay for me. I'm not after your money.

I like your style.

Hey, guys, what's happening?

I started shaving again.

You have stink, but your back doesn't count.

So, uh, what do you guys think you were doing this weekend?

I don't know. I was gonna stay home and let my big brother push me around.

Push me too?

Sorry I can't join you guys, but I got a date.

Oh, the circus back in town.

So, Fever, who'd you ask out?

I didn't ask anybody out. She asked me.

No way. The girl asked you out?

You guys act like this has never happened to you before.

I had a girl talk to me once. She said, what smells in here?

Yeah, Stinky, my brother will push you around.

Who is it? Who asked you out?

Rhonda Green.

What's so funny?

We thought you meant a real woman. Like a cheerleader, or better.

What's better than a cheerleader?

A gymnast.

You guys are just stumping on me because nobody asked you guys out. Benny,

Benny, she's not on the A -list. You go out with a girl who's not on the A -list

and you're finished. Your social life is over.

You'll end up with a girl in band.

I'm in band.

Enough said.

But she's paying her own way. Well, because she has to.

Benny, Benny, check the wall of truth.

There is something disgusting and horrible about every girl on the A

Unfortunately, you won't find anything pornographic about Ron the Green.

Stinky Sullivan is a hunk?

I wrote that. Wait till the girls read it.

Thanks, Stinky.

When will the girls be in this room?

When they use the bathroom.

Benny, look.

You can go out with her if you want, but you might as well become a hall

monitor.

Hall monitor?

Me? This couldn't happen.

I had to tell her this date was off.

But how do you break a girl apart when she looks so cute, only in her nose from

the stench?

I know.

I'll phone her.

Rhonda, before you get mad at me for not meeting you at the dumpster, I gotta

tell you something.

The reason I can't go out with you this Friday is...

Because I'm gay.

Hey, that was fair feelings. They keep me out of the army.

Hey, Benny.

Uh, hi.

Hey, what you doing?

Nothing.

Is your butt making a phone call?

Mike, I'm a dead man.

There's this girl who asked me out, and she's not on the A -list. And if I go

out with her, I'm in terrible trouble. I'm at the end of my rope.

Then we want to know why you want to go out with this girl, and you're telling

us ridiculous stories about not wanting to go out with her. I was just getting

to that. Well, get to it.

Okay, well, that's where Mike got involved.

Whoa. Whoa, wait a minute, Mike. Get back here. Look, look, I'm not

for this little guy, okay? I mean, I don't even like him. Whatever he does,

does. I have no influence on his life whatsoever.

Mike, you'd better talk and talk now. What have you got to say?

I really, really, really love you guys.

Forget it, Mike. It's a tough room.

Okay, okay. I'll tell you everything and I won't hold anything back.

How much have you told him?

Okay, all right. Now, little Benny here came to me with a very tough problem.

Now, I could have ducked it, but no.

I asked myself what my father would say in this situation.

Only I'd make it shorter and a little more interesting.

Hey, what are you all bent out of shape for, huh?

I mean, look, let's face it. You're never going to date a girl on the A

I'd be lucky to date a girl in band.

Mike, if you're going to say stuff like that, I might as well go talk to Dad.

Your butt's off the hook.

Thanks for nothing, Mike. Hey, look, Benny. Now, come on. Who ever told you

this girl was unworthy?

Vito, Gary, and Stinky.

Well, ignore them.

You're telling me to ignore my friends?

No, I'm telling you to get some new friends.

I mean, think, Benny. I mean, somehow.

Some girl finds you vaguely attractive, and you're about to turn her down?

Well... Look, let me put it this way.

Did Mr. Haley say, I'll wait for the next comet?

Man, it actually happened that way?

Yeah. I don't know what to say. You really told him not to buckle the peer

pressure, to stand up to his friends and do the right thing?

Yeah. And besides, if he's really desperate, the weenie might get lucky.

Get up, Mike.

Well, I've certainly learned my lesson. I'll never talk to Mike again.

Fan or date?

Oh, yeah.

Fan.

I'm waiting for the ripple.

are going to get out of here.

Ben, you really like the fuzzy wuzzy bears?

Yeah, they're cool.

Wouldn't it be more fun to go over to Cinema 4 and see Wild at Heart?

Uh, no.

Excessive sex and violence upsets me.

Well, violence anyway.

I love you, windy bear.

There they are, just like I say.

I can't believe it.

What's wrong?

Uh, excuse me. I gotta go to the bathroom and pick up some raisinets.

What are you guys doing at a G -rated movie?

What are you doing with Rhonda Green?

She's here, too?

Nice try, Benny.

Do you guys think he should wear that hall monitor sash over his left shoulder

or his right?

I was cornered. I was dead.

My honor was at stake.

So, I lied.

You guys got it all wrong about Rhonda. She's the kind of girl who makes guys

happy, if you know what I mean.

But I'd say more, but there's little fuzzy bears on the screen.

But she looks so moral.

Look, I don't care what you guys think, because I'm happy.

The next couple of hours were a blur. All I'm sure of is, by the time Rhonda

bought me that second chili dog later that night, we were going steady.

I had no idea that one light could spread so fast or change my life so

People were looking at me, and they weren't loud.

For the first time in the history of Dewey High, a freshman's name had been

added to the wall of truth.

My name.

I was sincerely touched.

By the end of the first week, she'd moved into my locker.

It was a little inconvenient, but I didn't mind.

Everyone at the school was now treating me with respect, including Janitor Bob.

He even let me touch his keys.

So you're going out with a girl you don't even like just to keep your

fool? Yeah. Now you see?

All right, would you plan on marrying this girl just to continue the charade,

Beth? No.

See, in three years I graduate.

Then there's always the army.

You see, this is really out there.

Hey, it's not all bad.

Mrs. Green's a great cook.

You eat dinner there, too?

Yeah, but only after I eat dinner here first.

Hey,

it's their way of thanking me for doing all those chores.

That's another thing, Ben. When's the last time you did a chore around here?

It's just I'm always so tired.

Well, I guess so.

And about fixing this transmission?

I got lucky.

Well, your luck's run out, Ben.

This cannot go on.

What did I do that was really wrong?

Dating a girl we never met. Going steady with a girl we haven't met. When you

aren't allowed to go steady in the first place. Sneaking out of this house 42

times without permission.

Eating two dinners every night.

How is that wrong?

It's wrong!

It's just wrong!

And what about all the rumors you're starting about this girl?

You don't have to worry about the rumors, Dad. I made them up.

Ben, has it occurred to you you might be damaging this young lady's reputation?

I don't see how.

She's on the A -list now.

So what do you think you should do right now?

Well, I know it's not having dinner.

Here, Raleigh!

Here, Raleigh!

Hey, do we have a dog?

No!

If we did, I'd call it Raleigh.

How long you been here?

Since dawn.

Well, why didn't you say something?

We could have got an early start on digging a pool.

Uh, Mr.

Green, is Rhonda home? Yeah, but she's not much good with a shovel.

Mighty handy with a pickaxe, though.

Like I needed to tell you.

Uh, can I talk to her?

Sure, come on in. Have some breakfast.

Um, no, I can't. I already ate. So?

Oh, it's wrong. I can't tell you why. It's just wrong.

Um, can I speak to Rhonda?

I got you.

You devil. Rhonda, your boyfriend's here.

Hey, we do have the dog. Come on, Raleigh. Come on, fella.

Talkie -nookies.

Talkie -nookies.

I love this little knucklehead.

Hey, Rhonda, look who's here.

How am I going to explain this to her?

Okay, I got no choice.

I got to be honest.

I'll tell her I'm not attracted to her. I never was attracted to her.

And the only reason I'm dating her is because my friends believe my lies about

her.

Oh, what's he doing here this early? This is the last straw.

Today's the day I tell him the only reason I went out with him was to get on

A -list.

Ben?

Rhonda.

It's now or never.

Look, I know I'm here early, but I don't want breakfast.

Do you want to break up?

I'm not hungry either. Great, let's break up.

When? Now's good.

Okay, see you in school.

See you in school.

For the first time in six weeks, you've made me happy.

Me too.

Hi. Oh, look at you.

I'd rather look at you, Gretchen. You should get around on a Saturday.

Hold on there. What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, Dad.

You're doing exactly what I do with women, only not nearly as well.

All I said was be nice to her. You know that. Mom, this babe, Goose Dad.