Original subtitles

Hey, Ben, you seen Grandma yet?

I'm not sure.

Usually it's easy to spot her, but everybody on this boat has gray hair.

Relax, honey. I'm sure your mother had a great time.

Whoa!

Well, you see her, Ben?

No, but I do see a blonde fox in a really tight red dress.

She's kissing an old bald guy.

Hey!

Almost all the guys are gone.

Half the boat's unloaded. Maggie, where is she?

You know, she's never traveled alone. I think maybe this is just too close to

Dad's funeral.

Honey, a year of mourning is enough.

Well, maybe it's just too much for her. Maybe I shouldn't have sent her on this

cruise. Oh, give her some credit, Jason. She could take care of herself.

I should have listened when she said she'd rather just be at home staring at

walls and remembering Dad.

Oh, honey, she didn't know what she was saying and she needed you to step in and

take care of her. Oh, first you say she can take care of herself, then you say

it's a good thing I stepped in.

Let's have some consistency, Maggie.

I'm just saying to not get carried away.

You know, Ethel Merman went through exactly the same thing as your mom when

set sail on the love boat and she ended her cruise with Gene Rayburn.

And to think they canceled that show.

Hey, there's a guy with hair.

Not a wig. If you're not going to look for grandma, give me the binoculars. Oh,

Jason, there she is.

Irma. Where?

Where is she? On the gateway, Irma.

The only woman on the gangway is that blonde.

Oh, my God.

and kiss your mother.

Oh, Irma, you look great.

Well, I should for what I paid for it.

Okay, okay, for what you paid for it.

Benjamin!

Benjamin! Oh, you get better looking every time I see you.

It's puberty, Grandma.

Benjamin Steven, don't you ever say that nasty word again.

Puberty? No, Grandma.

Come on, you two strong men, and get my luggage. It's that Paisley set over

there. Whatever I can do, Ma.

Oh, Irma, you look wonderful.

Oh, Maggie, I feel wonderful.

Well, it must have been all that sea air.

Well, it could have been that, or, um... You

met a man?

No.

I met my future husband.

You did what?

Okay, Mom, here we go.

Now, I want to stop by your place first because I have some souvenirs for the

children. Oh, no.

I mean, I hope it's something to wear.

Is she amazing when she's laughing and smiling? Souvenirs for the kids?

And all the while, her heart is breaking.

Thank you.

It's Grandma coming over. I mean, if she doesn't have her glasses on, she'll be

lucky to find the couch.

Oh. Oh, they're here, okay?

You explain to Dad why you couldn't do this one little favor for him.

A one little favor? Carol, for your information, I had my whole Saturday

planned, okay? I mean, this was going to be a day of solid studying.

And now I'm just expected to scrap my education waiting around for Grandma?

Mike Seaver, but he said he lived in an apartment.

Hi, Tony!

Hey!

Hi!

Hey, listen, didn't you get my message at your dorm?

No, I was at a aerobics all morning.

Is that your major?

Listen, listen, we're going to have to put off tutoring for about an hour or

But I thought we were going to spend the whole day cramming.

Oh, you know, that's what I want, too.

Why don't I take you out to my apartment where you can cool off from your

workout while I take care of some business? Okay, great.

It's out back above the garage. It's kind of a loft.

Mike!

Listen, after you're done cleaning up the living room here, why don't you give

the kitchen a once -over?

I'm a cleaning lady.

Do you mind if I go take a shower?

Do I mind?

Oh, I insist on it.

you ask me one more time how I really feel about the cruise, I'm going to take

back that souvenir I gave you and Maggie.

Behave yourself, Jason. I sure don't want to lose this.

I have to say, Irma, you haven't seen the baby in three whole weeks, so why

don't you and I go upstairs and you can tell me all about your... Oh, I want to

give out my souvenirs.

Oh, welcome home, Grandma.

Hello!

Hola, honey.

Oh, you didn't happen to give me a sombrero, too, did you? No. Wow, honey,

afraid I didn't. Ah, darn it all, anyway.

This room is here for you, too, Carol.

I did bring you this.

Wow!

Somehow, thank you seems inadequate.

Well, wasn't that fun? We were going to go upstairs, and you were going to tell

me all about it. Hey, wait, hold on, Maggie. Where's Mike?

He's cramming in his loft.

Okay, Ben, will you run and get him, please?

Well, I'm standing still.

Now, Mom, you really don't have to pretend anymore that you had a good

Jason, you are coming this close to losing that work of art. Well, if you

me, Irm, he just stepped over the line. You should just take it back to teach

him a lesson.

Now, we can wait upstairs while I'm waiting for you.

Grandma!

Hi!

How was your trip to Mexico?

Fabulous. And for the millionth time, I mean it.

I hear you're living on your own now.

Yeah, well, it was time.

He's 30 feet away in the stupid garage.

Let's see what we have in our happy bag for Mikey.

All right,

girl.

Boy,

I can't wait to wear this puffy to college.

It's real hip.

Oh, my words exactly.

You know, as much as I would love to hear all about your trip, I've got to go

cuddle up with my studies.

You've certainly changed since I left.

Since this morning.

Well, speaking of changing, you haven't seen the baby in three whole weeks.

I will see you later. Okay, bye -bye. Bye -bye.

Ben. Hey, Ben, what's the matter? You look as white as a sheep.

Ben?

Uh, Dad, uh... No, uh, Dad.

I went upstairs to look for Mike, like you said, and I, uh... I

was in his apartment, and there's a woman in his shower.

Naked!

What? What?

Mike. Dad, I'll handle this.

No, you won't.

Now, tell me about the gentleman.

Well, there's... Not much to tell on an 8 o 'clock show.

Irma, I can't believe what I'm not hearing.

You can't believe it.

Three weeks ago, I stepped on that boat just to stop Jason from saying, Mom,

there is more to life than the new family feud.

I mean, he wants to be reminded this is a world of couples and you're alone.

And then I met Wally.

Second day at sea, we had dinner.

Third day, I bleached my hair.

And by the fourth, we danced in the moonlight. And by the end of the trip,

decided if we could share a cabin, we could share a home.

Hold on here. Hold on here. You're leaving out a whole bunch of your story.

I certainly did.

Oh, Maggie, Wally is so much better than the family feud.

Armand is so happy for you.

Oh, it would be perfect if I could just tell Jason. Well, of course you can tell

Jason. Maggie, you know him as well as I know him, and you know how close he was

to his father.

This isn't going to be easy for him. Oh, yes, but when he thinks about it,

he'll... Oh, it is going to be hell.

What kills me, he will never admit when he's upset. He has been that way since

he was a kid.

Tell him the worst news in the world, and his mouth goes into that frozen

simpleton smile.

As if everything's okay.

And his voice goes real high, and he says, well, well, well, what an

turn of events.

And then his eye starts twitching.

I don't see why it happens at your house. I mean, I told you, I was just

tutoring her.

You're having trouble buying that one, aren't you?

Mike, we agreed when you moved out there that from now on... Grandma, hey, why

don't you tell me all about your trip and don't leave anything out?

You're not off the hook yet.

Well, Mikey, at first I thought it was going to be pretty boring.

But then I made a friend.

Oh, well, what a trip, Grandma.

Did you hear that? Your mother made a friend. Isn't that nice?

Oh, I think that's wonderful.

Does she live around here?

He lives in Manhattan.

Oh.

Well, well, well.

So, like, is he hot for you, Grandma?

Is he a good friend?

Mm -hmm.

Well, well, well.

Well, I'd like to meet him sometime.

Well, we could have your mother and her friend over to dinner sometime.

Hey, why don't you invite me, too? I'd love to scope this dude out.

That would be lovely.

I should do that sometime.

Tonight.

Tonight? Well, Jason, I don't think I can get a dinner party ready tonight.

I'll cook.

I can start now.

Well, Tonight it is, then.

Oh, no, huh?

Oh, I got plans tonight.

So, my little old formerly gray -haired mom met a fella, huh?

Well, well, well.

Unexpected turn of events.

Mike, can I throw these to the washing machine?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the... Basement?

Yeah, yeah. It's right out here and to your left.

Hi. Hi.

He's tutoring her.

When's dinner? I thought you had plans.

Oh, I did, so you sent her home.

Oh, they're here.

Hurry up, Ben. Grandma's here with her squeeze.

Carol, please.

Oh, how come she gets Carol, please, and I get whacked in the back of the head?

Because I smack you in the head, there's no risk of doing any damage.

Jason.

The door.

Thank you.

Five bucks says Grandma's got herself a bald guy.

Now, listen up, all of you. Now, your grandmother's feeling very uncomfortable

tonight. I expect you all to keep that in mind before you go and open your

mouths.

Get your lips off my mother.

Nice dupe.

Wonderful.

Yeah, it came out of a can, didn't it? Ow!

So, Mr. Obermeyer, what do you do?

Oh, please, ma 'am. Call me Wally.

I'm retired from the U .S. Army.

Oh, really?

He worked his way up through the ranks and retired a captain.

Kill anybody?

Wally's been all over the world.

Germany, France, Vietnam, Ohio.

So, did you kill anybody?

Well, let me put it this way, Ben.

They never found one single Viet Cong in Cincinnati.

So, Jason, your mother tells me you're a psychiatrist.

That's right.

Well, that means you're a medical doctor, too. Isn't that right?

Mm -hmm.

Ever kill anybody?

I like this guy.

No, I do, too.

Oh, this is so sweet.

Jason, your mother tells me I have you to thank for sending her on this cruise.

Succotash.

What?

I have to go get the stinking vegetables.

Oh, excuse me a moment, please. I'm going to go help Jason with his

And isn't it wonderful to see your mom so happy?

Maggie, Maggie.

Don't you see what's going on here?

That poor woman is miserable.

She's torturing herself.

I'm sorry, honey. I couldn't hear you over your mother's guffaw.

She's picked a career army man for crying out loud.

So? Maggie, do you know what my mother did during the Vietnam War?

She joined mothers and other living things for peace.

She's gone and picked someone clearly unsuited for her. That way, when the

relationship fails, as it predictably will, she can retreat back into her life

of solitude more miserable than before.

Okay, okay, so what type of man would you consider suitable?

Oh, well, someone thinner, dignified, maybe someone who exudes a certain

inner strength.

Someone with a solid blue shirt.

A cardigan with the patches, the leather. Oh, Jason, Jason, honey, do you

who you just described?

Jimmy Stewart.

Your father.

Maggie, come on. Oh, honey, I know you loved your dad.

And this would be difficult for you even if Wally was Jimmy Stewart.

Maggie, you know what's difficult for me?

What's difficult for me is seeing my poor mother suffer.

Just screaming for help.

Okay, giggling for help.

We were doing the funky chicken.

That's the young man that entertained every night.

But it isn't really Elvis.

Oh, that's lovely.

That was our view from our porthole.

I mean, my porthole.

Motor scooters in Puerto Vallarta.

Hey, that bimbo with the old poop in the sidecar. I saw her this morning.

Well, it's been some day for you, hasn't it, Benny?

Conrad and Bambi.

They were on their honeymoon.

Old Conrad wasn't acting his age.

We really shouldn't laugh.

I guess that hits a little close to home, doesn't it?

Next slide, Wally.

Jason, I want a word. Mom, I really... In the kitchen right now, young man.

Woo -hoo!

Hey, uh, if he gives you any trouble, just cuff him on the back of the head.

I love you, Mom.

Jason Roland Stever, what in the hell are you doing?

That's good.

Admit your feelings. I am not one of your patients.

Okay, go with that. Go with what? Yes.

Say what you're feeling this instant.

Pity for Maggie.

Mom, come on. You're not fooling anybody.

I know why you brought Wally here.

At this moment, I don't know why I brought him here.

You brought him here knowing full well that as soon as I'd met him, I'd tell

he's not your kind of guy.

I knew no such thing.

Mom. Oh, stop whining.

The point is... He's just not right for you. The point is, he is not your

father. Exactly. And if you can't admit that to yourself, then I can. I just

did. Yeah, well, okay.

All right.

Well, now we're finally getting under the surface, Mom, of those feelings that

you've been blocking that are making you act so incredibly irrational.

Are we talking about me or you?

What? Maybe you're the one who's blocking how you really feel.

Oh, it's me.

I should have realized how upset you were when you started acting like a

Mom. You never acted like a child when you were a child. Mom.

Honey, what is wrong?

Mother.

You must be feeling so bad to be acting like such a jackass.

If the problem is not what I'm refusing to admit, it's what you're refusing to

admit.

What did you just say? The problem is not what I'm refusing to admit, it's

you're... Oh, Mom. This is the most ridiculous conversation. I mean, if you

think, I mean, actually, for one minute, that I could buy an object. You're way

off base, Mom. I'm telling you that.

Paul, you're right.

Thanks.

I'm supposed to be smarter than this.

I don't know what's the matter with me. I've been rude to Wally and to you.

I'm a 40 -year -old man, and I'm worried about someone.

Replacing my dad.

Do you want to hear something crazy?

Well, of course you do. You're a psychiatrist.

You know, when Wally first came into my life, I was so thrilled, so excited.

The first thought that came into my head, I couldn't wait to tell your dad.

Yeah, that would have shocked him.

Jason.

There was only one Neil Seaver, and I'll never forget him.

But he's gone.

Yeah.

You know, when you get a little bit older, you finally realize that there's

sense in waiting for something that's not there.

Mom, I just don't want anything to hurt you.

Oh, honey, I'm not going to be hurt.

I'm going to be married.

Really? Jason, Wally loves me, and I love him.

Yeah, but, Mom, how long have you known each other? Three weeks, three of the

happiest, most exciting weeks I've known since your father passed away.

Oh, you don't want to take that away from me now, do you?

No, but I... No.

You know something?

I'm going to need somebody to give me away, and I thought that... Wait, now, I

want you to be happy and everything, Mom. I just don't think I could do that.

I know.

That's why I'm planning on asking Ben.

Kiss you, Mom.

Hey,

Maggie. What?

Well, you know, after I'm gone, I mean, would you fall for somebody who's

completely the opposite of me?

Absolutely.

Oh.

He wouldn't be good -looking or funny or sensitive or open -minded.

Sexy?

No, he'd be sexy.