Original subtitles

Don't let annoying static cling keep sparks from flying where they should.

Try new static king enhanced with new scientific friction reducers.

It rules over cling.

Use static king when you really don't want your clothes to cling.

Nice work if you can get it, and if you get it, won't you tell me

how?

Oh,

this static king is amazing.

Now my hundreds won't stick to my fifties.

I didn't know they still made twenties.

Let's get rid of that for you.

And if you come across any of those old tens, fives, or ones, I'm making a

collage.

Thank you.

Oh, look, Marianne. Someone sent me food.

I love how your face lights up whenever you get a delivery from the Meat of the

Month Club.

But the March Meat of the Month is ham.

This is sausage.

I bet this is a little thank you from the people at Static King.

My Bella Fiore, never will I forget our evening of passion by the sea. How

exactly did you get this job?

I'll take that. Hold it right there, Missy.

Let me guess, you have to know who it's from.

No, I have to take the cheese.

So, it's from Gianni.

He's been writing me for a few weeks now.

Gianni from Italy, Gianni?

Gianni, who crooned to you in his native language, dropped seedless grapes onto

your tongue and eased you into womanhood on the shores of the Mediterranean,

Gianni?

No, Gianni, who I regret having ever told you about because of how you've

appropriated the memory, recast yourself as me and turned something beautiful

into something pathetic and bizarre, Gianni.

Are you going to want the biscotti?

Oh, God, he's coming to America just to see me.

Oh, that's too much pressure.

Zoe, this man sent you salami.

I insist that you marry him.

Maybe I should see him again.

I've always wondered if there might be more to us than just that one night. It

was magical.

Well, yes, he did make your virginity disappear.

On the other hand, I don't want to ruin that memory.

Mom, what would you do if the very first guy you ever slept with wanted to see

you again?

Shave.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I really don't know what I would do. I mean, my first

was 30 years ago, and it wasn't quite as from here to eternity as yours.

It was more, where's Waldo?

Damn, why did my first sexual experience have to be so great?

This would be so much easier if it had just been lousy like yours.

Don't worry, honey, you're still young. You have lots of lousy sex to look

forward to.

So, your first time wasn't that great?

Well, it was his first time, too.

Bobby Ray Weeks.

The second time was better.

And by the third, we're Nellie.

How long did you date?

Just the one night.

happened to Bobby Ray.

I moved to New York to become a model and I never heard from him again.

You know, I'd like to write him a letter.

His mother still lives in Memphis. She could forward it to him. You think she'd

remember you?

She would if I signed it that little Sheridan tramp.

We have to daddy king when you really don't want your clothes to cling.

That's 16 earrings so far today.

Can I leave now?

I'm no longer surprised by the ending.

This is wild.

Everywhere you look, it's me, me, me!

Hello, Ego Patrol. I'd like to report a major spillage.

This is not about ego. Every time this thing runs... I make money, which means

nothing to you, but to me, that's a new deep fryer and two kegs of the good

lard.

Am I the only one who thinks it's ridiculous that you're using sex to sell

laundry supplies?

Oh, please.

People who have sex do way more laundry.

Well, that explains why I didn't have any clean shirts during the last year of

our marriage.

So have you heard from Billie Jean King yet?

Bobby Ray Weeks.

Who's that?

The first guy I ever did laundry with.

And no, I hadn't heard a word from him, and I sent that letter to him over a

week ago. Maybe he doesn't remember you.

Because you were so spectacular that she blew out his long -term memory.

Men are different. Their first time is all about conquest.

Half of them don't even remember the girl's name. Darla Rubin. Shut up.

Darla Rubin and Stacey Rembeck.

They were best friends. They did everything together.

Hey, stop looking at us like that.

He's lying.

When men talk about sex, they lie.

No, we don't. We lie to get sex.

And then we sleep.

Bobby Ray has to remember me. I was his first. How can you be so sure? He said I

was.

Listen, I had to use two flashlights and guide him like he was bringing in a

plane.

Men lie to get what they want. As painful as that may be, he probably

doesn't remember you.

Hello?

Bobby Ray?

It's Bobby Ray.

Hi.

I'm so glad you called.

You're in town.

Tonight? Just a second.

All I can say is... Can

you

believe Bobby Ray flew all the way from Memphis just to see me?

That means his first time must have been pretty damn special.

And I can't wait to ask him all about it.

You do, and this is the last time I'll ever bring you to meet the first guy I

had sex with.

I hope I recognize him.

It's been over 30 years.

Okay, okay.

Close your eyes, think back, and try to visualize him.

For instance, was he short or tall?

I don't know. I don't have many memories of him standing.

These are on the house.

Oh, really? Thanks.

I know if I was seeing my first time again, I would want to be good and

Sybil?

Sybil Sheridan?

Bobby Ray?

He's tall.

Hi!

Oh, look at you.

Look at you.

Looking at me.

And look at these two people.

Looking at me.

This is my very best friend, Marianne Thorpe. Hello.

And this is the guy who serves food.

Thank you for the lovely introduction, lady who belches.

Nice to meet you.

Nice because we're meeting for the first time, or nice because you always say

that?

Nice because you kept a chair warm for him. Bye -bye.

But you drove me here.

Bye -bye.

But bite me.

You dog. This is a fun kind of flashback, isn't it?

Only this time we're in a BMW instead of up on cement blocks in your brother's

Bonneville.

Whatever happened to you after that summer? I heard you joined the army.

Yeah. Spent three years getting yelled at, liked it so much I got married.

Then divorced.

Married, divorced.

You? Same, except for the army.

Well, Ira yelled a lot.

It is so good to see you again. I mean, in person.

I've seen just about all your movies.

Oh, and you called me anyway.

I'll never forget that one movie where your head splatters against the side of

barn.

Everybody else was screaming and covering their eyes, but I just sat

thinking, I dated that head.

Shut up. You'll make the rest of me jealous.

Oh, wow.

7 -Eleven.

I gotta stop.

Why?

Well, there's just, uh, something about a 7 -Eleven.

You're gonna bring me some Fritos like on our first date. You remember?

May I have the honor of buying you a bag of corn chips?

Run, you fool.

Run like the wind.

Marianne?

I wanted to ask your advice about something before Mom gets home from her

Are you busy?

Uh, well, yes, but I suppose it can wait.

me another letter and i need an objective opinion is it sweet or is it

smarmy because when it comes to men you can sniff out smarm like a pig sniffs

out truffles well i believe one must use one's god -given talent actually

it's a poem poetry the villainous verse of the male

sex dipping their quills into the black ink of

scrawling lie as to lie on the unspoiled parchment of your heart only to burn it

in the blistering fire of betrayal.

But don't worry, I'll be completely objective.

Maybe I'll just figure it out on my own.

Glad to be of help.

Now, I'm so far behind.

Could it be I was right? You weren't his first, and he's a lying bastard who'd

say anything to satisfy his nasty little needs?

Close.

We have another date on Tuesday.

Oh, and tonight they're running my commercial during the news.

Ka -ching!

So, Sybil, I'm waiting.

Were you Billie Jean's first?

Bobby Ray.

And we had such a wonderful time, I forgot to even ask him.

Wonderful time? So, were you his last?

Of course not.

He was a perfect gentleman. He took me back to the restaurant, I drove myself

here.

But look, he gave me a bag of Fritos.

And you just let him drive away?

No, you don't understand. He gave me Fritos on our first date.

And I feel like it's fate that Bobby Ray and I have come back together after all

these years. I think there might be a greater purpose.

Yes, perhaps he needed an alibi.

What? Isn't that Mr. Frito -Lay?

Bobby Ray!

The suspect was released from prison just two days ago, serving time for

robbery.

Are

you

okay?

never been on a date with a guy who committed a felony.

Now, how can I possibly enjoy these Fritos knowing they're stolen property?

So take them back.

Marianne, please. I'm looking for solutions.

Oh, look.

More flowers from Gianni.

This is all Zoe's fault. If she hadn't had such a perfect first time, none of

this would have happened.

Don't look at me. I told you to sell her years ago.

Nobody can go off to Italy and have a perfect first time.

But try doing that in Tennessee.

I know what I've got to do. I've got to confront Bobby Ray. Of course.

He lied. And now he must pay.

I love this part.

I'm not mad at him because he lied to me.

I'm mad because he ruined my precious memory.

And now I'll never be able to think about my first three times without

feeling... Nasty.

Dirty.

Blind.

I liked all that.

Wow.

I've done a lot of movies that take place in prison, but it's weird to

be in one.

You know, without the lights and cameras and with all my clothes on.

Nikolai!

It's my chemical weapons connection. No wonder he hasn't been...

I must talk to him.

Now

I

know why you didn't invite me back to your place.

I'm sorry, Sybil. I'm so ashamed I can't even look at you.

Oh, but you can look at my breath.

What do you want? I just spent the last 20 years in the joint.

You had a chance last night, but you chose to rob a mini -mart. I had a

Really? You just slept with me?

No, but you didn't know that.

I'm so mad at you.

You ruined the memory of my first time, and even worse, you ruined Fredo's.

I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. It was my first time, too, and you'll

always be special to me.

Oh, Bobby Ray, I really was your first.

You blast me. You got five more minutes.

Jablanski, this is Bobby Ray Weeks. No, it isn't.

Weeks was transferred to Vacaville.

Then who's this?

Ed Jablanski.

Weeks and I were so mixed.

You're not Bobby Ray?

What is this?

Freaky candid prison camera?

Bobby Ray used to talk about you all the time. I don't think any of us believed

him until he got your letter. Oh.

By the way, you really shouldn't send your phone number to a prison.

I didn't send it to a prison. I sent it to his mother in Memphis.

Well, just so you know, she blames you for his life of crime.

Oh, she's always been jealous of me, just because I had teeth.

Look, I know it was wrong to pretend to be Bobby Ray, but I really wanted to

meet you.

I'm a fan.

Your movies are very popular in here.

I can't believe I thought you were Bobby Ray.

Well, it has been 30 years.

Yeah, but I almost always remember the people I have sex with.

Listen, I really did have fun last night.

And if you had been my first time, I never would have let you get away, no

matter how many cars I would have had to steal.

Oh, that's sweet.

And I thank God that never happened kind of way.

Okay, you blansky, let's go.

Before you go.

Was I the first woman you ever lied to about who you were and then took on a

date and robbed a store while she waited in the car?

No.

Okay, the first blonde.

The first grandmother.

Let me get back to you on that.

Okay, well, you have my number.

story to everyone in here.

Darling, he was telling me.

Oh, yeah?

What the hell was that?

I don't know. It's from Star Wars.

You are pretty.

Mom, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with Bobby Ray. I wanted to

you up. These are for you.

Oh, I love yellow roses.

Thank you, honey.

Aw, now don't get all mushy on me.

So, when is Gianni coming to visit?

No, he's not.

I decided I'd rather keep my night with Gianni as a beautiful romantic memory

than screw it up with reality.

Zoe, don't let my experience with Bobby Ray influence what you do with Gianni.

Mom, your first love turned out to be an armed robber.

Yes.

But that whole experience reminded me what it's like to be optimistic about

love. I don't want to ever lose that. And I don't want you to lose it.

You'll never know what's possible with Gianni unless you take that risk.

Thanks, Mom.

I'll think about it.

Hey, honey, does Johnny have a single father?

An uncle?

An aunt with a mustache?

We were all on the debate team.

Now, here, look.

There's Darla.

There's Stacy.

There's me.

And look, they even signed it together.

Dear Ira, it was wonderful having you in homeroom. Love, Darla and Stacy.

See?

Having? This really is Bobby Ray, right?

Bobby Ray Weeks?

Okay, I have one more thing to ask you.

Was that your first time?

Really? How about first blonde?

First one in a Pontiac?

First one that day?