Original subtitles

So tell me, Ed, before we move on to the next segment, there's something I

really want to ask you.

When did you first realize you were attracted to the cactus?

In the plant store.

I had just broken up with a rose bush and I was feeling vulnerable.

The cactus was so kind and understanding and such a good listener.

I really needed that.

You promised me that letting the meat play dough would have no side effects.

No, I didn't. You just made that up because you wanted an excuse not to

What are y 'all doing?

Oh, it's a cable public access show. We turn down the volume and make up the

dialogue. We find it's better than being productive members of society.

Okay, it's my turn.

It's not my fault he's not funny.

Oh, I have one. I have one.

Is that pollen I see on your jacket?

Have you been fooling around with another cactus?

How dare you come into my garden with that hoe?

Oh, look. They're going to another segment.

Sybil, isn't that that crazy fan of yours, Minnie? Turn it up. Turn it up.

Today's horror film update.

This week brings the long -awaited video release of Hack Me Nimble, with its

incredibly high body count and 3D projectile bleeding.

It makes a great stocking stuffer.

Do you think she's still angry at you?

And before I forget, I am still so mad at Sybil Sheridan.

And you?

star of such classics as Oliver the Twisted and A Star is Gored.

I was outraged to hear Ms. Sheridan refer to the noble horror genre as crap.

As if those films were muddy footprints across the snowy white carpet of her

career. So I urge you, boycott her movies.

Don't rent her videos.

Don't even say the name...

Oh, darling, your career can't possibly be ruined as long as nobody can remember

who you are.

When she comes out of it, she'll realize she's depressed, which means...

Glorious. That's anxiety. This is depression.

Think, think. Depression, um, depression, uh, bug cake.

Good girl.

Okay, now after about ten of those, she's going to want to soak in a hot

I'll get the bath salts and the coconut milk.

Oh, good for you, Mom.

You read that book on natural remedies I gave you. Hey, did you know that the

Hawaiians use the coconut milk? Darling, darling, it's for the daiquiris.

I dared to dream.

and took the wall with it.

Bundt cake?

Zoe, what good is that going to do?

I need hoes!

Well, Miss Sheridan, I checked the ceiling, the wall, foundation.

Don't tell me.

It's going to be way more than I can afford, and my whole life is going to be

disrupted by your hammering, sanding, and sawing, and drilling, and

Flexing.

When can you start?

I'll work up an estimate and get it right over.

Oh, by the way, I see you have an apartment up above the garage.

How attached are you to that?

Well, my best friend's son was living there.

I see.

How attached are you to him?

So, we're talking major structural work?

Don't fret too much.

It's not in danger of falling down, but you've got to be philosophical about

these things.

I had a pal in the Navy who got his leg bit clean off by a shark.

So you see, Les, this isn't so bad.

Great.

I feel better now.

Thank me very much.

I mean, thank you very much.

I'll try to get back to you tomorrow.

Wait a minute.

I'm an out -of -work actress.

Well, looks like I'll be knocking off a liquor store.

I have lived for Sybil Sheridan. Now she comes out and says she doesn't like the

films she's been doing. So, I just want to say I was wrong about Sybil Sheridan.

I was being petty and vindictive.

And she'll be flapped with a ham.

Angry?

So she created a fan club for me. So she said when she met me at the high point

of her life and I dumped on everything she believed in.

Marianne, rephrase that so it still seems like I'm the victim.

Well, now that Justin can no longer live over your garage, maybe he should move

back in with me.

He is my son and I think we can work things out this time.

In fact, I'm looking forward to it.

I moved him into Rachel's old room.

Bless you.

Sybil, are you sure you want to admit to being an actress in this loan

application? I mean, why don't you just write down gambler or crack addict?

Because, Ira, that didn't help me get a Bloomingdale's card.

Oh, is that the contractor with the arms that could crush or cradle you

depending on his mood?

Yep.

Dr. Yummy.

Be right there.

Well, since I choose not to participate in the upcoming drool fest, I will

repair to the living room and hold on to whatever respect I have for both of

you.

Talking to us like we're boy -crazed teenagers.

Let him in immediately.

He must be spanked.

Marianne, this is just business.

Try and keep it in your pants.

Sheridan, wrote over that estimate.

Brian St. James, this is my friend, Marianne Thorpe. Very nice to meet you,

Lott. Oh, I love your accent.

Say something else in it.

You know, a simple everyday phrase like, may I towel you off.

Marianne, quit sniffing around my contractor.

Sybil, I think you made a mistake here. Under annual income, you wrote $600

,000. Ira, it's not a mistake, it's a lie.

Ira Woodbine, this is Ryan St.

James. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Sybil, can I talk to you for a minute?

Darling, could you just go out there for a second?

No problem.

And just hang your shirt on anything.

I know you don't like to borrow money.

Marianne, that's a very sweet offer, but borrowing or lending, you know, it can

really hurt a friendship.

Then just consider it a gift. No.

Besides, today I have one more bank appointment, and if that doesn't work

can always sell Zoe's hair.

I know. Why don't you borrow the money from Zoe?

She lives here. Just think of it as rent.

Zoe doesn't have any money.

She will if I give her some.

Aww.

You are the two best friends in the entire world.

Now shut up.

Well, we tried.

And I thought my Zoe idea was pretty good.

Oh, it was just adorable.

Adorable? That's oddly condescending.

Well, Ira, think.

If she were going to take money from anybody, it would be from me, not you.

Why not? I can afford it. I'm not saying that. It's just that... What?

You're the only one who's allowed to help her out?

Excuse me?

Oh, come on. You've always acted like she's your property.

I have not. Oh, please, look at you. You're truly offended that I presumed to

try to help her out.

Shouldn't you be going?

Isn't there someone else you can irritate for no apparent reason?

Are you actually trying to throw me out of Sybil's house?

Hey, hey, hey, what the hell's going on here? I'm trying to go over the estimate

with my contractor, and he can barely hear me whining.

It's nothing. Ira's got his antlers out and he's trying to butt me off the hill.

I'll call you later and tell you all about it. See, that's exactly what I'm

talking about.

I hated that when we were married and I hate it now.

What? The little sidebar conversations.

Whenever you and I had an argument, it wasn't just between the two of us. You

had to run it by her.

Ira, she's my friend.

No, Sybil, I don't think Ira's talking about you. I think Ira is trying to

accuse me of something and I'd like to know exactly what it is. You really want

to know? Okay, here goes.

One of the biggest reasons Sybil and I broke up was you.

Oh, that's enough. No, I've held this in long enough.

You were always around, always coaching from the sidelines until one day I

didn't have a marriage anymore.

Ira, that's ridiculous.

I just needed someone to talk to. I never listened to anything she said.

I'll explain that later.

Let's not fool ourselves, okay?

We all knew what the deal was.

There were three of us in our marriage.

And I was the odd man out.

Where did that come from?

I haven't seen him that angry since I divorced him for being so angry.

He attacked me for nothing.

I'm sorry. I know he's a big part of your life, but after what he just said,

don't think he needs to be a big part of mine.

Why should you give me a loan?

Let me ask you something.

What is money for?

Is it not there to create opportunities for ordinary people, like me?

What does it matter what I do for a living?

I understand.

Thank you.

Good afternoon, Miss Sheridan.

Minnie?

Oh, no.

Please tell me you followed me here.

Please tell me you're just some psycho out to ruin my life. Just please don't

tell me. Yes?

I am your loan officer.

Is it warm in here, or am I actually in hell?

Ms. Sheridan, I am a professional.

I do not allow my personal opinions to influence my business decisions.

So let's look at this situation objectively.

You just called me a psycho, and now you want money.

Can I have a do -over?

I think not.

There you go.

Approved?

What the deal?

Deal?

There's no deal.

Per se.

I knew it.

Think of it as an opportunity to be a special guest on my cable access show.

No.

Come on!

I have literally...

Dozens of viewers.

Boy, they would be very interested in hearing you discuss your past horror

and how proud you are to have been in them.

Come on, maybe have a blooper reel.

That could take us to Juckletown.

Look, Minnie, I know those films are your passion.

But I'm sorry.

They're crap.

And the roles I played in them are crap.

There's a reason I kept getting dismembered. I deserve it. Stop saying

They're not crap. It's not crap.

Look, when you got chopped up, you had humanity.

And you had your arms ripped off.

We all bled a little.

Damn it!

Every voice in my head is telling me to hate you, and I can't.

Minnie, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about my career.

Then you'll do my show?

No. Well, at least take the lawn.

Okay.

Give me a moment.

I have not been this moved since you were plowed under by that lawnmower in

Mulching Miss Daisy.

Really? You know, when I filmed that scene, I asked myself, how would Hepburn

this?

Wait a minute. That doesn't go in the trash pile.

Sybil, it's just a box of wire hangers.

You threw out the cool whip containers. Why can't you let go of these?

Because I'm having a garage sale. Somebody will buy those.

They have a thousand uses.

Like when you're locked out of your car, or you want to roast marshmallows, or

you can twist them into shapes like, you know, Florida.

Sybil, I know you've been collecting these for years. I didn't collect them.

I bought them at a garage sale.

So, how did you finally get your bank loan?

Did you tell them you were a real estate mogul, an astronaut, a diamond

importer? Oh, come on. You know me better than that.

A senator?

That's the one.

Actually, I owe it all to Minnie.

I mean, she really went to bat with her bank manager for me.

She might be weird, but she turned out to be kind of nice.

Sybil, before I forget, thank you.

For what?

Well, I thought that after this morning's little explosion, you would

some sly way to throw Ira and me together, but knowing how I felt, you

my wishes, so thank you.

You're welcome.

Look at me.

I am looking at you. No, you're not. You're looking at my chin.

I'm not. R2. I'm not. R2. I'm not.

I was wondering why you had me park around the corner. A neighborhood parade

might pass.

Oh, man.

A parade.

On a Thursday.

In a cul -de -sac.

Think, Ira, think.

Come on.

You two are supposed to be my best friends, so if you are, you will talk

out.

Fine.

You had your say, now I'll have mine.

You are so afraid to face your own failures that you dare to blame me.

That makes you a coward, Ira, and I don't waste my time on cowards.

Wasn't that sweet?

Now, Ira, it's your turn. Go after her.

Sybil, can you honestly say your friendship with Mary Ann never had

do with the breakup of our marriage?

You're looking at my chin.

Damn, I gotta work on that.

Okay, Ira.

You were odd man out sometimes.

But any man I have a relationship with is gonna be odd man out sometimes.

just the way it is with Marianne and me. You were threatened by that, and that

was part of our problem. I know the rest. I was controlling and angry and

judgmental and suffocating. Is that about right?

Yeah.

Now, I know I was wrong sometimes, but we're not gonna discuss that because

my house and I don't wanna.

But the point is, It's not Marianne. It's us.

All I want is to see my two best friends talking while I'm eating a ho -ho.

Excuse me.

Oh, hey, Iris.

She came to bury the hatchet. Go ahead, Marianne. I'll leave you two alone.

I did not come to bury anything. I'm hiding.

From what?

Hey, gang.

Still boy brought those loan papers for you to sign?

Oh, look at the size of that hole.

You don't have to patch this up.

You can just fill it up with one of those humongous fish tanks like I have

garage.

Oh, cool.

Wire coat hangers.

There are millions of things you can do with these.

Minnie, my friends and I have to have a little chat.

Maybe we could come to your office and sign the papers tomorrow.

Attention, radar.

Your loan officer is beeping.

Hey!

That's an outside noise, don't you think?

You know, I don't know what the problem is.

But I do know that this lady here, she needs her friends.

And that's us.

We're all she's got.

We're all we've got.

Friends forever.

By the way, I'm Minnie.

Come on, you guys.

Hold hands.

Hold hands.

Hands.

Energy chain.

Marianne, want to get a cup of coffee?

Yeah, good.

A nice Colombian blend.

In Columbia.

Bye.

Minnie, you may not know it, but you just did real good.

You mean the aquarium idea? Yeah.

I used to think I should be a decorator, but all the really good design schools

are in New York, and I'd have to move and leave the bank.

Now there's us.

So, there's nothing else.

Oh, that just takes me to chuckle town.

Godzilla!

Godzilla is coming!

Godzilla? No!

There are women and children in the village!

Ah -ee!

Maybe he will step on us!

Ah -ee!

Ah -ee!

Excuse me.

Can I use the telephone to call the lumberyard?

Oh, sure.

Corvus is right there.

And you can take it in the living room for privacy.

Thanks.

Oh,

yeah.

It could have been finished two weeks ago.

I couldn't bear it to be away from Sybil.

glistens in the morning sunshine makes me wild.

Aye, but her friend, if she would

just glance in my direction, I would forget the blonde and lose myself in her

eyes.

What am I saying?

I could never give up the blonde.

Me world would crash.

Rumble.