Original subtitles

I'm Sybil Sheridan. Why am I smiling? Because I'm having the time of my life

a carousel cruise.

Can't you just smell that ocean breeze?

There's only one thing missing.

You. So come on, put on your sailing shoes.

You've paid your dues, so kick the blues on a world -class cruise. What have you

got to lose?

this crap.

Loving one who loves you and then taking that vow.

Nice work if you can get it and if you get it won't you tell me

how.

Champagne. What are we celebrating?

It's the anniversary of Marianne's divorce from Dr. Dick.

Four years filled with senseless acts of violence, revenge, bitterness and rage.

Where did the time go?

I just want to remind you, the last time you had champagne for lunch, you ended

up playing strip poker with the busboys.

Oh, like you never do that.

Congratulations on four years of glorious dicklessness.

I shouldn't have.

A cruise ship brochure. Oh, Sybil.

Champagne and pictures of fat people playing shuffleboard.

I'm overwhelmed.

I need to do some exterior shots on that commercial I'm doing.

And you're going with me.

I'm so touched. Thank you.

Well, I told them I wouldn't go unless my best friend went along.

Oh. By the way, if anyone asks, You're Francine from housekeeping.

You know, I haven't been on a cruise since Dr. Dick and I went to Cabo San

with the Robert Stacks.

Marianne, you know the rule.

You are not allowed to remember the good times with Dr. Dick. It just confuses

you. Like cash.

But when you get divorced, you don't see any of your coupled friends.

And I miss the Robert Stacks.

Ah, here we go again.

Nobody throws a party like the Robert Stacks.

Nobody plays Pictionary like the Robert Stacks.

Nobody is so interesting or so wonderful or so perfect as the Robert Stacks,

Robert Stacks, Robert Stacks.

You're just mad that I never introduced you. Yeah, and why not?

I'm fun.

Hey, is that new?

What? Show me. No.

Marianne, I can take you. You know I can.

Did you get that?

I don't remember.

Wait a minute.

It's from Dick, isn't it? No.

No.

Oh, I found it.

I did. I was checking for change in the coin return of a pay phone.

And there it was.

This is from Dick.

See? The little hand is on the three, and the big hand is on his

ass.

It's just another of his empty attempts to win me back by buying me something

exclusively beautiful, but it means absolutely nothing to me. It's just a...

Watch!

Tick -tock, tick -tock, tick -tock, tick -tock, tick -tock, tick -tock, tick

-tock, tick -tock.

Give this to your mother.

My God.

She has never had anything this beautiful.

And she never will.

Zoe, come on.

What the hell are you wearing?

I said let's go to the beach. Now let's go beekeeping.

I have fair skin.

Of course, I could wear sunscreen, but someone refused to buy it because the

bottle wasn't recycleable.

So now I have to go outside looking like a floor lamp.

Surprise!

I have declared today everyone's birthday.

Zoe?

Happy birthday!

Here's something to change into right away.

for my beautiful, wonderful, perfect baby boy.

Mom, according to you, yesterday was my birthday, too.

And the day before that.

At the rate I'm aging, I should be dating Anna Nicole Smith by the end of

week.

All right, darling. Return it and donate the refund to save that planet you're

always going on about.

Okay, she's psycho shopping.

Or she just freaked out over my dad trying to get her back.

It has nothing to do with Dick.

I told you I'm over him.

It's Dick. Can't you receive a gift without making it a Freudian field trip?

Oh, it's Dick with a shoe compartment.

Happy birthday.

I just wanted to tell you that if you want to talk about this thing with

Justin, I will not put you in the middle of this.

But thank you for offering.

Well, Zoe made me.

You've become such a fine young man who I'm sure will soon outgrow this

disturbing pirate phase.

Now stop worrying about me.

Just because I'm shopping doesn't mean I'm out of control.

By the way, that's yours.

Remember, the chip leaves at six. And Marianne, pack light.

No, I ask. They will not tow a separate barge for your shoes.

Oh, no, it's... Doctor.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sybil, I know it's you.

All right, I'll let him in.

Then I'll pee on his leg.

So all he wanted was to give you a letter from Marianne? Shh, I'm reading.

He told me to.

He put me right in the middle, Ira.

He said I can give it to her or not. I decide.

Ah, so if you don't and she finds out about it, it's your fault.

If you do and she decides to see him again, should have kept barking.

Should have kept barking.

Should have kept barking.

When did you hear this crap?

I've enclosed a picture of you that I took the morning after we were married.

You were still asleep, Marianne.

I'd never seen anyone so beautiful, and I still think that.

If you decide not to see me, keep it.

I can't bear to have that picture if I can't have you.

Are you crying?

Yes, but not because of this.

Because they're making another Brady Bunch movie.

You know, maybe Dick has changed.

Maybe he does care about her. Shut up, shut up, shut up. You know nothing.

Well, that was loud.

If Marianne reads this, she'll melt down. How can I keep it from her? Ira,

me. Are you sure? Because I don't want to violate the shut -up -know -nothing

law.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

If we hurry, we can just make the shift.

No, I knew you'd be late, so I told you to be here an hour earlier than you

needed to be. Yes, but I know you do that, so I got a facial.

Now we are, in fact, late.

But I dare you to find a pour.

I can't believe it! We spent all this time talking about the...

Thing? I lost track.

What thing?

Uh, Ira's thing.

Hey, it's not my thing. Don't put the thing on me.

He doesn't want to talk about the thing.

It's personal.

Why? What is it? Does he have a fungus or something?

Exactly. Sybil. Please have this fungus, Ira, please.

Wait a minute.

I'd know that cologne anywhere.

It's owed to Dick.

I'm out of here.

No, stay!

I can't. Tonight's my fungus support group.

It's my turn to bring the snack.

Well, let's get the bags in the car.

Dick.

interested, so he left. You know, your skin does look positively dewy.

I want to know what he said, word for word.

I didn't understand at all. I'm not fluent in rat bastard.

Tell me, why do you care? Do you have feelings for him?

Marianne, you've got to stay away from him. You've got to stay strong.

You know, Sybil, I am getting tired of this. Who are you to decide what I

or shouldn't do?

He brought you a letter.

Were you going to tell me about it?

Well, I feel pretty sure I was going to tell you about it.

Let go.

I can't. It's my letter.

But it's bad for you.

So are ringdings, but do I yank them out of your mouth?

I see you down here.

How are you?

How's Mrs. Robert Stack?

Mrs. Robert Stack and I are just fine.

Mary Ann, I'll make this brief.

Dick wants you back. You won't speak to him. Now, I don't want to butt in,

but... God, I love your voice.

I'm sorry. Go on.

But he gave me a copy of a letter that he gave you.

He even told me to read it first.

I don't read other people's letters. That's a federal offense.

But I didn't feel anything at all for Dick.

And I think you owe it to yourself to read the letter.

Wait a minute.

In the other jacket.

Doggone it.

That's all right. I have the original.

Here.

If you think he's sincere, I'll talk to him.

Not everyone would show to that responsibility, but since you're my

Touching. Moving.

Here, you read it. I'm tearing up.

Stop. This picture isn't you.

What? Are you sure?

It's a long time ago and my face is blurry, but that's definitely my Marlo

Thomas helmet hair.

Notice the pattern on the sheets.

It's floral rhapsody.

Long Sutter didn't introduce that pattern until spring of 1995.

Picture is a fake, the man is a fraud.

Why would he do this?

I don't know. I don't know.

Wait, I know.

Those 15 eggs at Lake Tahoe you got in the divorce settlement.

Donald Trump is planning a casino there.

Is that why Donald keeps calling?

I thought it was because I taught Marla how to throw a rattlesnake into a moving

limo.

The property's going to be worth a fortune.

So if Dick and I were to remarry... Well, the puzzle's complete.

Case is closed.

Come, Marianne, I'll walk you to the car. No.

Thank you, Robert.

I have work to do.

Tell another mystery song.

I'm good.

I know you're there.

Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,

dick.

Dick.

Darling.

Didn't you want to talk?

Okay, maybe now is not a good time, but that's not a problem because I'll always

be there for you.

Dick.

Whenever there's acid rain coming from your sprinklers, I'll be there.

Whenever there are fire ants in your tanning booths, I'll be there.

When you've deluded yet another poor, unsuspecting x -ray technician into

accepting your loathsome advances,

and a pack of rabid Dobermans jumps into your jacuzzi and rips the very soul

from your body, I'll be there.

Still don't feel like a chat, sweetheart.

I can wait.

But what will I do while I'm waiting?

Isn't that your brand new Bentley?

tomorrow. Go ahead, say it.

Say what?

I told you so?

Don't be silly.

I'd never say I told you so.

What kind of friend would I be if...

What kind of

friend would I be if I just kept repeating, I told you so, I told you so?

No, you won't see me look you right in the face and say I told you so?

Are you through?

Yeah, I'm done.

If you really wanted to thank me, you'd introduce me to Robert Stack.

Maybe you are ready.

Maybe I will introduce you.

Really?

What do I call him?

Robert? Bob?

Bobby? Robbie?

Bert? Robbo?

If I heard you correctly on the pier, we're going to need a couple of rabid

Dobermans. Were you happy with the guy we got them from before?

Because I liked him.

I know what I said, Sybil, but honestly, we're two world -class women with so

much to give.

Why waste any more energy on Dick?

I'll tell you one thing.

Dick's not a challenge anymore.

It's like we've turned the page and gotten to the end of the chapter.

Look at me.

I'm getting all weepy.

Me too.

And I'm having trouble breathing.

This is war!

And God help me, I do love it so.

Look out, Dick! She's back!

Come on, we got work to do. We gotta find a bag of killer bees and some

barbecue.