1 00:00:03,980 --> 00:00:08,840 I'm Sybil Sheridan. Why am I smiling? Because I'm having the time of my life 2 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:10,040 a carousel cruise. 3 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:13,800 Can't you just smell that ocean breeze? 4 00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:17,740 There's only one thing missing. 5 00:00:18,100 --> 00:00:22,180 You. So come on, put on your sailing shoes. 6 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:27,920 You've paid your dues, so kick the blues on a world -class cruise. What have you 7 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:28,920 got to lose? 8 00:00:34,030 --> 00:00:35,030 this crap. 9 00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:41,330 Loving one who loves you and then taking that vow. 10 00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:49,070 Nice work if you can get it and if you get it won't you tell me 11 00:00:49,070 --> 00:00:50,070 how. 12 00:00:54,970 --> 00:00:56,870 Champagne. What are we celebrating? 13 00:00:57,810 --> 00:01:00,830 It's the anniversary of Marianne's divorce from Dr. Dick. 14 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:06,670 Four years filled with senseless acts of violence, revenge, bitterness and rage. 15 00:01:07,610 --> 00:01:09,050 Where did the time go? 16 00:01:10,510 --> 00:01:14,370 I just want to remind you, the last time you had champagne for lunch, you ended 17 00:01:14,370 --> 00:01:16,170 up playing strip poker with the busboys. 18 00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:18,730 Oh, like you never do that. 19 00:01:23,110 --> 00:01:29,490 Congratulations on four years of glorious dicklessness. 20 00:01:33,580 --> 00:01:34,580 I shouldn't have. 21 00:01:35,380 --> 00:01:39,680 A cruise ship brochure. Oh, Sybil. 22 00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:44,320 Champagne and pictures of fat people playing shuffleboard. 23 00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:46,500 I'm overwhelmed. 24 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:51,360 I need to do some exterior shots on that commercial I'm doing. 25 00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:53,280 And you're going with me. 26 00:01:53,820 --> 00:01:56,020 I'm so touched. Thank you. 27 00:01:56,440 --> 00:02:00,160 Well, I told them I wouldn't go unless my best friend went along. 28 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:04,750 Oh. By the way, if anyone asks, You're Francine from housekeeping. 29 00:02:06,830 --> 00:02:10,430 You know, I haven't been on a cruise since Dr. Dick and I went to Cabo San 30 00:02:10,430 --> 00:02:11,470 with the Robert Stacks. 31 00:02:12,330 --> 00:02:13,490 Marianne, you know the rule. 32 00:02:13,990 --> 00:02:18,150 You are not allowed to remember the good times with Dr. Dick. It just confuses 33 00:02:18,150 --> 00:02:19,770 you. Like cash. 34 00:02:22,270 --> 00:02:26,250 But when you get divorced, you don't see any of your coupled friends. 35 00:02:26,790 --> 00:02:28,470 And I miss the Robert Stacks. 36 00:02:28,930 --> 00:02:30,310 Ah, here we go again. 37 00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:33,010 Nobody throws a party like the Robert Stacks. 38 00:02:33,489 --> 00:02:35,850 Nobody plays Pictionary like the Robert Stacks. 39 00:02:36,370 --> 00:02:40,850 Nobody is so interesting or so wonderful or so perfect as the Robert Stacks, 40 00:02:40,930 --> 00:02:41,930 Robert Stacks, Robert Stacks. 41 00:02:43,650 --> 00:02:47,070 You're just mad that I never introduced you. Yeah, and why not? 42 00:02:47,310 --> 00:02:48,310 I'm fun. 43 00:02:49,850 --> 00:02:51,490 Hey, is that new? 44 00:02:51,930 --> 00:02:54,170 What? Show me. No. 45 00:02:55,310 --> 00:02:57,090 Marianne, I can take you. You know I can. 46 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:03,960 Did you get that? 47 00:03:04,580 --> 00:03:05,620 I don't remember. 48 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:07,880 Wait a minute. 49 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,340 It's from Dick, isn't it? No. 50 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:11,940 No. 51 00:03:14,580 --> 00:03:17,360 Oh, I found it. 52 00:03:19,540 --> 00:03:25,500 I did. I was checking for change in the coin return of a pay phone. 53 00:03:26,020 --> 00:03:27,180 And there it was. 54 00:03:30,860 --> 00:03:31,960 This is from Dick. 55 00:03:32,750 --> 00:03:37,610 See? The little hand is on the three, and the big hand is on his 56 00:03:37,610 --> 00:03:38,610 ass. 57 00:03:40,450 --> 00:03:44,370 It's just another of his empty attempts to win me back by buying me something 58 00:03:44,370 --> 00:03:48,550 exclusively beautiful, but it means absolutely nothing to me. It's just a... 59 00:03:48,550 --> 00:03:49,970 Watch! 60 00:03:51,990 --> 00:03:56,530 Tick -tock, tick -tock, tick -tock, tick -tock, tick -tock, tick -tock, tick 61 00:03:56,530 --> 00:03:57,610 -tock, tick -tock. 62 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,080 Give this to your mother. 63 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:07,980 My God. 64 00:04:08,260 --> 00:04:10,380 She has never had anything this beautiful. 65 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:12,440 And she never will. 66 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:17,880 Zoe, come on. 67 00:04:25,860 --> 00:04:27,820 What the hell are you wearing? 68 00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,820 I said let's go to the beach. Now let's go beekeeping. 69 00:04:32,650 --> 00:04:33,650 I have fair skin. 70 00:04:34,210 --> 00:04:38,450 Of course, I could wear sunscreen, but someone refused to buy it because the 71 00:04:38,450 --> 00:04:39,710 bottle wasn't recycleable. 72 00:04:40,230 --> 00:04:43,130 So now I have to go outside looking like a floor lamp. 73 00:04:44,710 --> 00:04:45,710 Surprise! 74 00:04:46,770 --> 00:04:50,390 I have declared today everyone's birthday. 75 00:04:52,530 --> 00:04:53,530 Zoe? 76 00:04:54,430 --> 00:04:55,510 Happy birthday! 77 00:04:56,670 --> 00:04:59,930 Here's something to change into right away. 78 00:05:02,730 --> 00:05:05,290 for my beautiful, wonderful, perfect baby boy. 79 00:05:05,850 --> 00:05:09,950 Mom, according to you, yesterday was my birthday, too. 80 00:05:10,230 --> 00:05:11,470 And the day before that. 81 00:05:11,930 --> 00:05:15,170 At the rate I'm aging, I should be dating Anna Nicole Smith by the end of 82 00:05:15,170 --> 00:05:16,170 week. 83 00:05:17,010 --> 00:05:22,170 All right, darling. Return it and donate the refund to save that planet you're 84 00:05:22,170 --> 00:05:23,170 always going on about. 85 00:05:32,110 --> 00:05:33,390 Okay, she's psycho shopping. 86 00:05:34,970 --> 00:05:38,390 Or she just freaked out over my dad trying to get her back. 87 00:05:38,770 --> 00:05:40,970 It has nothing to do with Dick. 88 00:05:41,250 --> 00:05:43,430 I told you I'm over him. 89 00:05:43,730 --> 00:05:48,410 It's Dick. Can't you receive a gift without making it a Freudian field trip? 90 00:05:50,370 --> 00:05:52,750 Oh, it's Dick with a shoe compartment. 91 00:05:56,330 --> 00:05:57,410 Happy birthday. 92 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,820 I just wanted to tell you that if you want to talk about this thing with 93 00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:14,160 Justin, I will not put you in the middle of this. 94 00:06:14,860 --> 00:06:16,340 But thank you for offering. 95 00:06:17,180 --> 00:06:18,700 Well, Zoe made me. 96 00:06:21,140 --> 00:06:25,700 You've become such a fine young man who I'm sure will soon outgrow this 97 00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:26,880 disturbing pirate phase. 98 00:06:28,260 --> 00:06:30,600 Now stop worrying about me. 99 00:06:31,060 --> 00:06:34,260 Just because I'm shopping doesn't mean I'm out of control. 100 00:06:37,450 --> 00:06:39,750 By the way, that's yours. 101 00:06:47,070 --> 00:06:50,090 Remember, the chip leaves at six. And Marianne, pack light. 102 00:06:51,230 --> 00:06:54,890 No, I ask. They will not tow a separate barge for your shoes. 103 00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:06,150 Oh, no, it's... Doctor. 104 00:07:09,770 --> 00:07:11,430 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 105 00:07:11,650 --> 00:07:13,690 Sybil, I know it's you. 106 00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:21,070 All right, I'll let him in. 107 00:07:21,690 --> 00:07:22,930 Then I'll pee on his leg. 108 00:07:29,770 --> 00:07:33,010 So all he wanted was to give you a letter from Marianne? Shh, I'm reading. 109 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:35,830 He told me to. 110 00:07:36,270 --> 00:07:37,710 He put me right in the middle, Ira. 111 00:07:38,190 --> 00:07:40,470 He said I can give it to her or not. I decide. 112 00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:44,330 Ah, so if you don't and she finds out about it, it's your fault. 113 00:07:44,550 --> 00:07:48,430 If you do and she decides to see him again, should have kept barking. 114 00:07:50,690 --> 00:07:51,770 Should have kept barking. 115 00:07:52,310 --> 00:07:53,330 Should have kept barking. 116 00:07:54,450 --> 00:07:55,690 When did you hear this crap? 117 00:07:56,790 --> 00:08:00,050 I've enclosed a picture of you that I took the morning after we were married. 118 00:08:00,510 --> 00:08:02,250 You were still asleep, Marianne. 119 00:08:02,630 --> 00:08:05,650 I'd never seen anyone so beautiful, and I still think that. 120 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,640 If you decide not to see me, keep it. 121 00:08:11,540 --> 00:08:14,580 I can't bear to have that picture if I can't have you. 122 00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:18,540 Are you crying? 123 00:08:19,980 --> 00:08:21,680 Yes, but not because of this. 124 00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:24,700 Because they're making another Brady Bunch movie. 125 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,440 You know, maybe Dick has changed. 126 00:08:29,820 --> 00:08:32,740 Maybe he does care about her. Shut up, shut up, shut up. You know nothing. 127 00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:36,740 Well, that was loud. 128 00:08:38,539 --> 00:08:42,179 If Marianne reads this, she'll melt down. How can I keep it from her? Ira, 129 00:08:42,179 --> 00:08:45,160 me. Are you sure? Because I don't want to violate the shut -up -know -nothing 130 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:46,160 law. 131 00:08:47,180 --> 00:08:48,740 I'm so sorry I'm late. 132 00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:51,540 If we hurry, we can just make the shift. 133 00:08:51,940 --> 00:08:55,200 No, I knew you'd be late, so I told you to be here an hour earlier than you 134 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,760 needed to be. Yes, but I know you do that, so I got a facial. 135 00:08:59,420 --> 00:09:00,600 Now we are, in fact, late. 136 00:09:00,900 --> 00:09:02,140 But I dare you to find a pour. 137 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,060 I can't believe it! We spent all this time talking about the... 138 00:09:10,220 --> 00:09:11,220 Thing? I lost track. 139 00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:12,900 What thing? 140 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,380 Uh, Ira's thing. 141 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,520 Hey, it's not my thing. Don't put the thing on me. 142 00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,800 He doesn't want to talk about the thing. 143 00:09:22,820 --> 00:09:23,820 It's personal. 144 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,440 Why? What is it? Does he have a fungus or something? 145 00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:32,760 Exactly. Sybil. Please have this fungus, Ira, please. 146 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:36,840 Wait a minute. 147 00:09:38,790 --> 00:09:39,830 I'd know that cologne anywhere. 148 00:09:40,710 --> 00:09:42,590 It's owed to Dick. 149 00:09:45,290 --> 00:09:46,290 I'm out of here. 150 00:09:46,570 --> 00:09:47,309 No, stay! 151 00:09:47,310 --> 00:09:49,710 I can't. Tonight's my fungus support group. 152 00:09:51,270 --> 00:09:52,830 It's my turn to bring the snack. 153 00:09:58,090 --> 00:10:00,970 Well, let's get the bags in the car. 154 00:10:03,730 --> 00:10:04,730 Dick. 155 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:27,100 interested, so he left. You know, your skin does look positively dewy. 156 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:32,620 I want to know what he said, word for word. 157 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:36,200 I didn't understand at all. I'm not fluent in rat bastard. 158 00:10:40,420 --> 00:10:43,700 Tell me, why do you care? Do you have feelings for him? 159 00:10:44,180 --> 00:10:46,480 Marianne, you've got to stay away from him. You've got to stay strong. 160 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:51,460 You know, Sybil, I am getting tired of this. Who are you to decide what I 161 00:10:51,460 --> 00:10:52,460 or shouldn't do? 162 00:10:55,690 --> 00:10:56,770 He brought you a letter. 163 00:10:57,910 --> 00:10:59,670 Were you going to tell me about it? 164 00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:04,110 Well, I feel pretty sure I was going to tell you about it. 165 00:11:06,490 --> 00:11:07,490 Let go. 166 00:11:07,730 --> 00:11:09,490 I can't. It's my letter. 167 00:11:09,690 --> 00:11:10,690 But it's bad for you. 168 00:11:11,110 --> 00:11:13,450 So are ringdings, but do I yank them out of your mouth? 169 00:14:02,410 --> 00:14:03,410 I see you down here. 170 00:14:03,830 --> 00:14:04,830 How are you? 171 00:14:05,490 --> 00:14:07,350 How's Mrs. Robert Stack? 172 00:14:08,850 --> 00:14:10,650 Mrs. Robert Stack and I are just fine. 173 00:14:13,230 --> 00:14:15,130 Mary Ann, I'll make this brief. 174 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:20,570 Dick wants you back. You won't speak to him. Now, I don't want to butt in, 175 00:14:20,630 --> 00:14:22,030 but... God, I love your voice. 176 00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:24,850 I'm sorry. Go on. 177 00:14:25,550 --> 00:14:27,770 But he gave me a copy of a letter that he gave you. 178 00:14:28,350 --> 00:14:30,090 He even told me to read it first. 179 00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:33,260 I don't read other people's letters. That's a federal offense. 180 00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:36,540 But I didn't feel anything at all for Dick. 181 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,580 And I think you owe it to yourself to read the letter. 182 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:42,040 Wait a minute. 183 00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:43,860 In the other jacket. 184 00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:45,120 Doggone it. 185 00:14:46,180 --> 00:14:48,180 That's all right. I have the original. 186 00:14:48,820 --> 00:14:49,820 Here. 187 00:14:51,260 --> 00:14:54,400 If you think he's sincere, I'll talk to him. 188 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:59,560 Not everyone would show to that responsibility, but since you're my 189 00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:06,070 Touching. Moving. 190 00:15:08,110 --> 00:15:09,810 Here, you read it. I'm tearing up. 191 00:15:15,250 --> 00:15:18,090 Stop. This picture isn't you. 192 00:15:19,050 --> 00:15:20,170 What? Are you sure? 193 00:15:21,390 --> 00:15:25,350 It's a long time ago and my face is blurry, but that's definitely my Marlo 194 00:15:25,350 --> 00:15:26,350 Thomas helmet hair. 195 00:15:27,030 --> 00:15:28,610 Notice the pattern on the sheets. 196 00:15:29,990 --> 00:15:31,590 It's floral rhapsody. 197 00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:36,270 Long Sutter didn't introduce that pattern until spring of 1995. 198 00:15:37,790 --> 00:15:39,670 Picture is a fake, the man is a fraud. 199 00:15:43,670 --> 00:15:44,790 Why would he do this? 200 00:15:45,150 --> 00:15:46,390 I don't know. I don't know. 201 00:15:46,650 --> 00:15:47,650 Wait, I know. 202 00:15:50,310 --> 00:15:53,130 Those 15 eggs at Lake Tahoe you got in the divorce settlement. 203 00:15:53,690 --> 00:15:55,630 Donald Trump is planning a casino there. 204 00:15:56,630 --> 00:15:58,830 Is that why Donald keeps calling? 205 00:15:59,630 --> 00:16:02,970 I thought it was because I taught Marla how to throw a rattlesnake into a moving 206 00:16:02,970 --> 00:16:03,970 limo. 207 00:16:04,310 --> 00:16:06,070 The property's going to be worth a fortune. 208 00:16:06,350 --> 00:16:12,330 So if Dick and I were to remarry... Well, the puzzle's complete. 209 00:16:12,890 --> 00:16:13,890 Case is closed. 210 00:16:15,290 --> 00:16:17,570 Come, Marianne, I'll walk you to the car. No. 211 00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:21,290 Thank you, Robert. 212 00:16:25,770 --> 00:16:28,270 I have work to do. 213 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:31,920 Tell another mystery song. 214 00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:36,500 I'm good. 215 00:16:41,620 --> 00:16:42,980 I know you're there. 216 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:49,840 Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, 217 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:51,080 dick. 218 00:16:51,100 --> 00:16:52,100 Dick. 219 00:16:54,620 --> 00:16:55,620 Darling. 220 00:16:57,780 --> 00:16:58,820 Didn't you want to talk? 221 00:17:00,910 --> 00:17:05,650 Okay, maybe now is not a good time, but that's not a problem because I'll always 222 00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:06,650 be there for you. 223 00:17:07,890 --> 00:17:08,890 Dick. 224 00:17:10,329 --> 00:17:14,150 Whenever there's acid rain coming from your sprinklers, I'll be there. 225 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:20,109 Whenever there are fire ants in your tanning booths, I'll be there. 226 00:17:21,530 --> 00:17:27,089 When you've deluded yet another poor, unsuspecting x -ray technician into 227 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:29,310 accepting your loathsome advances, 228 00:17:30,570 --> 00:17:37,010 and a pack of rabid Dobermans jumps into your jacuzzi and rips the very soul 229 00:17:37,010 --> 00:17:40,490 from your body, I'll be there. 230 00:17:45,210 --> 00:17:47,030 Still don't feel like a chat, sweetheart. 231 00:17:49,210 --> 00:17:50,210 I can wait. 232 00:17:51,750 --> 00:17:53,610 But what will I do while I'm waiting? 233 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,380 Isn't that your brand new Bentley? 234 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:08,980 tomorrow. Go ahead, say it. 235 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:10,139 Say what? 236 00:19:10,140 --> 00:19:11,140 I told you so? 237 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:12,480 Don't be silly. 238 00:19:12,580 --> 00:19:13,960 I'd never say I told you so. 239 00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:17,500 What kind of friend would I be if... 240 00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:24,500 What kind of 241 00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:27,780 friend would I be if I just kept repeating, I told you so, I told you so? 242 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:31,160 No, you won't see me look you right in the face and say I told you so? 243 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:35,920 Are you through? 244 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:38,680 Yeah, I'm done. 245 00:19:42,620 --> 00:19:45,600 If you really wanted to thank me, you'd introduce me to Robert Stack. 246 00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:48,220 Maybe you are ready. 247 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,200 Maybe I will introduce you. 248 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:51,560 Really? 249 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:52,860 What do I call him? 250 00:19:53,380 --> 00:19:54,880 Robert? Bob? 251 00:19:55,740 --> 00:19:56,960 Bobby? Robbie? 252 00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:58,620 Bert? Robbo? 253 00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:10,220 If I heard you correctly on the pier, we're going to need a couple of rabid 254 00:20:10,220 --> 00:20:13,360 Dobermans. Were you happy with the guy we got them from before? 255 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:14,720 Because I liked him. 256 00:20:16,580 --> 00:20:20,320 I know what I said, Sybil, but honestly, we're two world -class women with so 257 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,320 much to give. 258 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,820 Why waste any more energy on Dick? 259 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:27,700 I'll tell you one thing. 260 00:20:28,660 --> 00:20:30,020 Dick's not a challenge anymore. 261 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:35,680 It's like we've turned the page and gotten to the end of the chapter. 262 00:20:37,580 --> 00:20:38,580 Look at me. 263 00:20:39,060 --> 00:20:40,240 I'm getting all weepy. 264 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:42,880 Me too. 265 00:20:43,980 --> 00:20:45,520 And I'm having trouble breathing. 266 00:21:16,970 --> 00:21:17,970 This is war! 267 00:21:18,570 --> 00:21:21,770 And God help me, I do love it so. 268 00:21:23,470 --> 00:21:25,150 Look out, Dick! She's back! 269 00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:28,770 Come on, we got work to do. We gotta find a bag of killer bees and some 270 00:21:28,770 --> 00:21:29,770 barbecue.