Original subtitles

Stop denying it, Brittany.

You're a teenage stripper.

We found the tassels.

And the teaching.

And the brass pole in the garage.

But you're not training to be a firefighter, are you?

Are you?

I still say she's not maternal enough. I agree. I mean, she's not maternal.

She's not nurturing.

You were wonderful.

Powerful. Very powerful.

Thank you.

You know, I haven't read such a gripping, moving script since... Gandhi.

Now that's acting.

What took you so long? My piano competition is only two days away and

to find a dress.

Zoe, I'm sorry. I was trying to get a pathetic part in a cheesy cable movie.

And, professional that I am, I do not leave an audition until I am thoroughly

humiliated.

Well, I have perfect confidence in your mother.

You always get the pathetic parts.

Thank you, sweetheart.

But apparently they feel that I, mother of two, grandmother of one with another

in the way, am not maternal and nurturing.

I hope their cars blow up.

I hate how Hollywood has no regard for people's feelings. I mean, what am I

going to wear?

Whether I get this job or not, Zoe, I promised I'd buy you a dress, and I'm

going to buy you a dress.

And don't worry.

Burlap doesn't chafe if you line it.

Oh, Mother.

Honey, I'm kidding.

I've never felt this loss before.

Huh?

That's why I came to you, mother of two, grandmother of one, with another on the

way.

My baby, come.

Let me nurture you.

They're gone, aren't they?

No, they're still there.

Nice try, mother.

Too late, you hugged me, and people saw it.

I'm taking that vow.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me

how?

Ten -four. She's in the elevator.

Estimated arrival time, ten seconds.

Man your stations, people. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not...

See, Zoe, this is why we came with Marianne. It's so much more fun than

in coach.

I really do need a dress.

Excuse me if I don't stay for the coronation.

May I just say, Mrs. Thorpe, you look radiant.

Strange.

There's no latte in my hand.

That makes my other hand sad.

My check -writing hand.

This is nice.

What do you think?

I think it's totally Janet Reno.

Really? I was thinking it's more J. Edgar Hoover.

See,

she doesn't want me here at all.

I'm just a giant blonde wallet.

Thank you so much for shopping with me. I mean, I know you're busy, but I love

hanging out with you. Hey, who's my number one princess?

Me.

Wow. What department did he find her in?

I want one.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's daughter.

I'm kidding. Zoe and I have our moment.

Mother, move.

See?

Some mothers go their whole lives without experiencing a moment like that.

Excuse me.

I hate to bother you, but my daughter needs help picking out a dress, and I'm

completely useless.

I think she looks great in everything.

What about this, Dad?

Looks great to me.

Good God, what toxic spill did that climb on?

You know, I think this would look a whole lot better on you. Oh, it's

I'll just tell the salesperson this made me look a little hippie.

You have such great taste. Thank you. No, thank you.

No, thank you.

Sybil, you can play with her in the store, but you can't take her home.

Please, if I promise not to ask for anything else the whole year.

It's amazing how quickly they grow up, isn't it?

I wouldn't know.

Zoe's been 30 since she was 12.

I'm Larry, by the way. Oh, hi, I'm Sybil. Hi. Hi.

I have to ask you something.

How does it feel to have your daughter actually like you?

Oh, I'm sure your daughter likes you. How could anybody not like you?

I mean, you're really nice. I mean, you're lovely. I mean, security, remove

man.

Zoe, you're kidding.

What? It's got that thing on the shoulder.

It makes a statement.

There are a lot of other people competing. I want the judges to remember

Honey. People remember Pearl Harbor, too.

If I don't have a problem with it, why do you have a problem with it?

I don't have a problem with it.

I just hope my face doesn't freeze like this.

My friends are going to die when they see me in this. I'm so happy. I can

explode.

Please do.

You know, I'm going to need shoes and a purse.

Maybe you could help us pick it all out?

Oh. Well, I'm sure Sybil's busy.

Yeah, I'm here with my own daughter and we're looking for a... She'd love to.

What? She needs your help and I don't.

Zoe, this dress is important for your performance.

I'll be fine.

Really.

Really.

She's a good kid.

She's just so damn clingy.

of Gibraltar 3.

I didn't see the first two, so I'm afraid I'd be lost.

Get back here, Miss B. This is California.

And working out is the law.

If you don't like it, move to a dairy state.

Oh, did you buy yourself something?

No, it's da -da -da -da, the dress.

So, this is the Shroud of Zoe.

It comes from the Hip and Hideous collection.

Can you believe that thing on the shoulder?

No, don't touch it!

You don't know if it's friendly.

We come in peace.

Why couldn't you let me help her pick out a dress?

Oh, darling, I know.

It's awful when a loved one is shopping impaired.

But there's a wonderful clinic in Milan.

This certainly isn't the first time Zoe's barred me from her life.

Maybe I'm just not as good at shrugging it off as I used to be. Of course, it

doesn't help to see Larry and Melinda together.

He was pretty taken with you. Will we be seeing Larry and Sybil together?

I don't know.

There's Roger.

Sybil, you and Roger have no commitment.

What if it's another 27 years before you see him again?

Ask Larry to Zoe's competition tonight. It's harmless. Unless, of course, he's

married.

He's a widower. Dead wife!

Score!

Oh, yeah.

Please do that when you see him tonight.

Why don't you just use the piano?

I don't want to hear the music. I just want to concentrate on the fingering.

Okay.

I'll get it.

Hey.

Oh, don't interrupt her. Just, uh, here, give her this.

I've had it since I was a kid. It always brought me luck.

A rabbit's foot?

You slaughtered an innocent animal for some silly superstition?

I didn't personally slaughter the rabbit, Justin. I shot a giant panda out

tree and he fell on it.

An animal gave its life for this.

Well, maybe not his life, but definitely his dancing career.

You know, you could have just gotten her a four -leaf clover. Or don't they

scream loud enough when you pluck them?

It's just a rabbit's foot.

Oh. Oh, yeah?

Well, is that what you think Mrs.

Bunny said to Baby Bunny when they noticed Daddy can only hop in circles?

Now, press your back against your partner's and sink to the floor.

Really feel it in your thighs.

Damn you. Damn you.

Now,

partner one, pull partner two over your back.

I don't wanna.

I don't wanna.

Come on, just a little bit further. Trust me. It's good for your gluteal

rotating ligatoid thingy.

video camera.

Mother, this is not my second grade Christmas pageant.

No, but it's your first big piano competition, and you're going to want to

this again sometime.

And what's the deal here? Am I not supposed to share in any of this?

I told you where it was.

I know. I can wait outside by the dumpster and shoot you through the

It'll be gritty and artsy and... No.

I'm not going to say a thing about the dress.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

You know, you could still take that thing off the shoulder.

You were right.

We've been through this, okay?

It's my performance tonight. I'll pick what I'm playing, and I'll pick what I'm

wearing, all right?

All right, then.

Is it all right if I bring Larry to the concert?

Sure. Maybe he can bring Melinda, and she can just explode, and we'll all be

covered in perky chunks.

What did Melinda ever do to you?

Oh, I know. She values my opinion.

That's why you were so rude to her.

Whatever. And you're walking away from me now because you know I'm right. What

do you want from me? Do you want me to be all gushy and cute with you like

Melinda is? Because if you do, it will require a very expensive lobotomy.

So, you'd have to be surgically altered to like me. Wow.

I must be really horrible.

Oh, God. Why did I ever move back here? I'll take a stab at it. Free food, free

rent, and a free punching bag called Mom.

A lobotomy is not as pricey as she would have you believe.

Motherhood bites!

The rabbit was already dead when they took the foot.

Oh, so I guess you don't mind if after you die we hollow out your leg and use

as a lucky umbrella stand.

Oh, stop this silly argument.

Justin's right.

It was wrong to kill the rabbit for just its foot.

Could have at least lined some gloves and made a nice muff.

Zoe is so excited. She found out there's an opening at the concert. Observatory.

And if she does well tonight, she thinks she's got a shot at it. So you two

finally talked?

No.

Rachel called from Boston to wish her luck, and I happened over here.

Some people call it eavesdropping.

I call it quality time.

Zoe's up next.

Put that away. She doesn't want us to tape tonight.

She told me it was okay.

She may want to see it someday.

He gets to tape this and I don't?

Help me navigate this moment.

Okay.

It's... Different with fathers and daughters.

She doesn't live with him.

She's doing it just to make you crazy.

That's the one.

Zoe, you suck.

Why do all of our home videos have to start that way?

Sorry, I'm late.

I didn't miss her, did I? No, no, she's next. Great.

By the way, this is for you.

It's a thank you from Melinda for helping her pick out her dress.

Oh, look, Marianne.

She dotted the I in Sybil with a heart.

Snap out of it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Zoe Woodbine.

You sure they'll take this dress back? I mean, without the thing on the sleeve?

Oh, Pitt.

I've returned snow tires here.

Don't worry, Zoe.

If she pulls her account from this store, a month from now it's an IHOP.

Okay,

you were right. The dress was a disaster.

Not exactly a disaster.

You still came in third.

And you got honest laughs.

Polly Shore can't say that.

Anyway, thanks for saving me.

Hey, that dress was eating my daughter.

I did what I had to do, and I'd do it again.

And that goes for the rest of yous.

Look, I'm never going to be the perfect daughter like Melinda.

I'm sorry if that's a big disappointment to you, but it's just not me.

Okay.

And I know you want me to get lost, but I'm not gonna.

That's just not me.

I don't want you to get lost.

I just want you to accept that we're different.

You're all warm and huggy, and I'm normal.

Okay, but when I remember this moment, I'm gonna reword that a little.

This is the dress you wanted me to try on the other day, isn't it?

Yeah?

Well, maybe it'll look better on.

She's trying on a dress you like. This is a major breakthrough.

Yes.

Oh, Marianne.

Did you see that price tag?

I'm so happy. I could explode.

Mom, come on.

I didn't need, you know, shoes and a purse.

Do you think that you could help me and my dad pick it all out?

Oh, I can't. My husband's waiting for me. Oh, sorry.

How'd you let her get away?

She was hot.

She was married.

So?

Ugh, you're not too much of a pig.

Just try that brunette over there. And, uh, the dead mother thing's really been

working, so play that up.

Do you know how tall your dad is?

I'd like to get him a body bag.

A body bag?

That's so funny.

Okay, look.

I'm an actress.

He hires me to play the part of his daughter so I can help him pick up

You know how some guys, they take a dog to the park to get dates? Well, Larry

brings me to women's clothing.

Good thing I didn't kiss him goodnight.

I'd have to cut my lips off.

You're an actress?

Mm -hmm.

Oh. Oh, good.

The world so needs another one.

I can't believe you would be so deceitful and... Hey!

Oh, I'm sorry. You must be so upset. Your perfect daughter is a hired chick

magnet.

Breathe a word of this to Zoe and she moves in with you.

I'll do it.

I will do it!

Listen, are you two going to hurt Larry?

Could I help? He's gross and he pays me in quarters.

What?

We could do some wonderful things with your hair.

A pretty barrette.

A headband.

Snap out of it.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Testing. Testing.

Can you hear me?

We have audio.

We have visual contact.

All systems go. Wait, stop!

This is domestic champagne.

Drop and give me 20.

Here we go.

Tell her Larry said she looks easy.

If she plays her cards right, he'll let her spray him down with cheese whiz and

lick it off.

sorry, but he won't give you your allowance unless you do this.

Now, Melinda.

Now, Melinda.

See that woman by the mannequin?

Tell her Larry wants to bury his face in her chest while he thinks she'll be

coming around the mountain.