Original subtitles

What are you doing here?

You're engaged to Marianne.

But I must have you.

No! No, I need time to think!

Okay, cowboy.

Let's think like bunnies.

Marianne, I can explain.

I'm sleeping with Richard.

I think she'll buy that, don't you?

I don't know about you, Sybil, but I'm not in the mood anymore.

Oh, Richard, this is all just a dream.

It's my subconscious mind punishing me with guilt.

But if that's a turnoff, watch this.

Oh, look.

You two are having an affair behind my back.

Bravo.

How about if I whip up a couple of omelets for after?

See, now my subconscious is telling me, don't worry, Marianne will understand.

Okay,

so it's been a while.

Your omelette's ready.

I know it's just a dream.

She should bring me a damn omelet.

Loving what? Who loves you?

And then taking that bow.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me

how?

Sybil, this can't wait.

Richard's going to be here soon, and I don't know what I'm going to tell him. I

need to talk to you in person.

Now, will you stop thinking about your own selfish needs and get over here?

All right. Can I have 30 seconds to pee?

Well, you were taking forever.

Well, I would have been embarrassed if the woman in the next stall wasn't

sending a fax.

Listen, I'm here now. Can I call you back? Because I have to talk to you in

person. Okay, bye. Bye.

Oh, Sybil, it's been three days since I called off the wedding, and I don't know

what to tell Richard.

How about this?

Richard, you're a wonderful man, but my slime bucket of an ex -husband is

drawing me back into the swirling abyss I once called my life.

Any sane woman would resist, but hey, I gotta be me.

Well, that sympathetic comment ought to buy my therapist some new patio

furniture.

And I can assure you my second thoughts about Richard have nothing to do with

Dr. Dick.

Did you hear yourself?

You just said his name without scorn, without hatred, without the right amount

of dick.

That's because I'm over him.

Then why did you call off your wedding after Dick said he wanted you back?

Oh, Sybil, I'm so confused.

Richard is a terrific man. Right.

Handsome. Right. Sensitive.

Right. A wonderful lover.

You're telling me.

Excuse me?

I mean, you're telling me and I'm listening.

So you're the one who should be talking, not me.

You're acting very peculiar.

I haven't done anything wrong, I swear.

I see what you mean by peculiar.

You're having sex.

You're having sex.

And you don't want to tell me about it because you know I gave all mine up.

Marianne, I...

God, I saw that glow about you. What glow? No glow.

Yes, glow. Big glow.

I am not having sex.

I mean, I do have sex.

I love sex.

I'm a vibrant sexual being burning with desire.

Why do I have to explain myself to you people?

Eat your lunch.

Listen.

If Dr. Dick calls or tries to wear you down by sending you flowers or jewels...

I can handle it.

I know you.

One kiss and you'd forgive him for everything.

Oh, Pish, give me a little credit.

How about the time you caught him in his office with his hands all over his

receptionist and he said it was physical therapy for her boob job?

I actually...

volunteered to cover the phones until they were through.

He must die.

I can't hear you!

Die, Dick! Die!

Excuse me, Sergeant Carter, Private Pyle.

You have company.

I'm sorry I'm late, Marianne. Hiya, Sybil.

I'm exhausted, actually. I was up all night.

You certainly were.

I'm still here. Why is that?

Boy, oh, boy. I never knew whale watching could be so moving.

Of course, it would have been nice if we'd actually seen one.

So, are we going to dinner or what?

Well, thank you, but actually we have plans.

Oh, really?

Got a party or something?

Well, kind of.

Sort of.

Not really, no.

I remember when I was your age and I got this nervous around my girlfriend's

father. But, of course, that was because... Oh, no.

Do you want me to be open and honest? Stop talking about this.

Ira, I'm so sorry. I think I might have nicked your BMW.

It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters anymore.

Mom, what are you doing here?

On my breakup with Richard, it's been so difficult.

Sybil and I are having a little slumber party to cheer me up.

And you brought that much luggage?

Of course not, sweetie. Run out to the car and bring in my steamer truck.

Great.

So now both our mothers are staying here tonight.

So we'll just, we'll use my apartment.

Your apartment's above the garage, 12 feet from the windows where they'll be

sleeping. Wait, what happened to being open and honest?

Justin, please.

I mean, I only talk about sex to see the horrified expressions on my parents'

faces. I would never actually do it within earshot.

Hotel. No money.

Car.

Oh, that's really special, Justin. Why don't you just say gutter?

Okay. But I think you deserve better.

Your psychic pal can...

but am I pathetic enough to actually talk to them?

Hello?

Apparently so.

Could you please tell me how much this costs per minute?

Yeah.

Okay, I need to know if I'm going to dream about my best friend's ex -fiance

tonight because she's staying over and I'm afraid to sleep because what if I

yell out his name?

Well, yeah, I do enjoy myself in the dream.

Am I a moaner?

Ew, you should be paying me for this call, you freak.

You are?

What are you doing up?

I'm never going to sleep tonight.

I feel so awful about hurting Richard.

Look at us.

Two fabulous women in our prime, sitting here losing sleep over men.

Who are you losing sleep over?

I... Ira.

What went wrong?

I thought we'd last forever.

Oh, well, we didn't. La -di -da, la -di -da.

What is the matter with me?

I married Dick, who was all wrong, and Richard, who should be so right, just

isn't. Maybe we're paying off some bad karma.

Maybe you and I were Amazon queens in a previous life and kept naked men locked

up in cages and only let them out when we needed sex.

Now, wouldn't that be a fun club, Matt?

You know what I'm thinking we should do?

No. But I know that look.

It's your new age crystal voodoo barking at the moon look.

You're about to hop the last train to Flakesville.

I think we should try past life regression.

All aboard.

No, really.

Maybe some former life holds the key to this whole Richard problem we're having.

You're having.

I'm helping.

That's a little civil sleepy nighty night time.

Listen, I'm... I'm serious about this stuff.

Once at Disney World, I was in the Hall of Presidents, and I couldn't take my

eyes off Grover Cleveland because I swear I knew what he looked like in his

underpants.

Explain that.

Hi, you ready?

Hey, we're supposed to go to regression therapy, but you're dressed to stalk.

Yes, Sybil.

I... I don't need to go to a past life to teach me why I have problems with

My problem is dick.

Now you go back and find out whether Grover Cleveland wore boxers or briefs.

am going to stuff dick's chimney with 300 pounds of day -old calamari.

I'm alive, I tell you.

Alive.

Marianne, it's a two -hour session.

What if this is my first life?

I spend the whole time reliving what I did yesterday.

I don't want to eat fish two days in a row.

So, well, that's your therapy.

This is mine.

I'm once again filled with hate, rage, and vengeance.

Be happy for me.

I am.

Are you sure you're going to be okay without me?

Prove it.

Die, dick.

It's so sweet of you to send me those orchids.

Of course I remember.

They're exactly like the ones you sent me the day you told me you loved me.

All right, Sybil, are you relaxed?

Uh -huh.

You can open your eyes now.

Oh, I understand you've been looking for the reason you've been having these

dreams, but you may not find your answer.

You may discover you have other lessons to learn.

I'm so excited about this. I mean, who knows? Maybe in a former life, I was

Cleopatra. I'm afraid not. She's now a dental hygienist in Bakersfield.

Helena Troy?

No, that would be John Tesh.

Please be prepared for the fact that you're probably not going to be anybody

famous. Whoa, you sound just like my agent.

Okay.

Now, just remember, souls travel in packs, so you may see people you

from this life.

Close your eyes, and let the subconscious mind select your journey.

Behold! Hast thou ever seen such a bounteous beast?

Alas, fair sister, we are but mere minstrels.

If we stop at all, it will be with the hounds.

Hold thy tongue, and hold thy hat before me, that I might snatch a meaty chop.

Children, abandon thy knavish ways.

Heads have rolled for less in the court of the king. Doth thou wish an early

grave? Only for you, father.

I do hope my singing doth please the king.

As do I, lass.

The king's favor would ensure a hearty flow of mutton and ale to our family

table. And free me from this wretched trade to become the poet for which I am

made.

Zachariah, relinquish not thy day job.

Behold, the king, Henry VIII. He arriveth.

Isn't that great?

Thy brother thinks his words delighteth, when in truth they just plain biteth.

Aye, aye, aye.

My lord. Your majesty.

What motley band be this?

Sire, we are but humble troubadours come to serenade thee on the eve of thy

betrothal to the lady Anne Boleyn.

Thou art a fine milky wench.

I fear my cookies shall soon be tossed.

Give us a body tune, lads, and upon thee will rest my favor.

And a body tune it shall be, sire.

I wouldn't touch his favor with a ten -foot lance.

Now hear my...

She chanced upon a handsome lad and claimed him for her foe.

Heidi diddle diddle, Heidi diddle, Heidi diddle diddle, said she.

Heidi diddle and the kid just a little behind the willow tree.

I

pray

your majesty to give me leave that I might attend to my errand. to bought us.

Dost thou need a royal hand to aid thee?

I would not trouble thee, my lech.

Leesh.

Ah, sweet refuge from the madness.

A thousand pardons, lady.

Wouldst thou have about thee a needle and thread?

Alas, I have none.

Perchance this brooch would deliver thee.

Far too fine an ornament.

It's but a knockoff.

I shall be forever in thy debt.

These damnable shoes do torment my feet like a swarm of stinging wasps.

But are they not divine?

Such finery would feed my entire village.

Your village dines upon shoes?

Only when hats are scarce.

Thou pleaseth me.

I wouldst know thy name. Ariel.

But of late, some have called me fine, milky wench.

What impertinent swine didst so offend thee? Only the king himself, that

swollen, strutting ass.

Thou shouldst not speak so of the royal ass.

Dost thou not know of his villainous deeds?

His first queen didst fail to bear him a son, and he didst discard her.

I pity she who now marries such a gilded turner.

Then thou dost pity me?

Thou art Anne Boleyn?

Was thou a shoeless, so that my foot might fit more freely in my mouth?

Shree doth explain why you dally so in the m 'lady's room, and oft time go in

pairs.

Thou needst no sword, my lord, for thou doth slay me with thy wit.

Slattery's gotten me thus far.

I would have my future wife beside me, and if thou wouldst make it three.

It beckons me.

What's that, Tess?

He just hit on me.

Tish, Tosh, he jesteth.

It is a mystery how I know this, but I fear little good will come of this

I beseech thee, do not marry that man.

Are you insane?

I'm going to be queen.

I grieve for her fate.

On the other hand, I could sell this bauble for a pig.

And at every one, I was the same struggling performer waiting for that

that never came.

Except for that one time.

Moliere cast me as the lead in his new play.

And then I got cholera.

And then he does a part to sell his hat.

But you were in one of them, and you were engaged to...

How come you're letting me eat in the living room without that big napkin you

make me wear?

Oh, Sybil, don't be so suspicious.

It's just a little welcome back party.

You've been gone hundreds of years. I missed you.

I've been looking to him for a few moments. I know you don't. That's why

have me in this life.

Marianne, what's going on?

Where's that stun gun you keep around for people who sell magazines?

didn't know Dick Smote.

What did you do?

400 years ago, I let you make a terrible mistake.

No way am I going to let you lose your head again.

Okay, you're right. I get weak around him.

Oh, Sybil, I almost gave in to him.

And I know once his heart starts again, he'll be back.

And I'll be here, pal.

Did you hear that, Dick?

whole damn pig.

I'm still hungry.

Can you cook s'mores on this thing?

Now, Sybil, close your eyes and let your subconscious mind select your journey.

President Cleveland, the cabinet meeting is about to begin.

Oh, be right there.

Grover, darling, remember your pants.

We don't want the executive branch showing.

Whoopsie -daisy.

You know that Richard guy I was dreaming about?

I think I just figured that out.