Original subtitles

Cynthia, I hate to see you like this.

You have to get on with your life.

Mother, Jeffrey was my life.

Listen to me, darling.

You're young and beautiful and strong.

Not like me.

I'm old and feeble and withered and spread out and saggy.

But you have a future.

Scott, Sybil, you left out grizzled.

Grizzled, right.

I thought after old, feeble, withered, spread out and saggy, we sort of got the

hang of it.

All right, let's set up to do it again.

Oh, I'm sorry, Joan.

Oh, please. I know it's not easy playing my mother.

Especially since we once played sorority sisters on Barnaby Jones.

You know, in my head, that actually sounded like the right thing to say.

It's okay. I love it. This is a character I can really sink my teeth

Speaking of which, where are my teeth?

You know, in the past three weeks, I've played Judith Light's mother, Cheryl

Ladd's mother, and your mother.

It's a nice break from what I was doing before, which was essentially staring at

the phone and cursing out my agent.

Ladies, please, let's touch them up.

So, are you doing anything for Mother's Day?

Oh, you know, the usual breakfast in bed, flowers, presents, fancy little

dinner. My daughter won't let me lift a finger the whole day.

You?

Uh, I don't have any kids.

Okay, I do, but I'd rather have yours.

And your mirror.

Oh, come on, Sybil.

A role like this is what Emmys are made of.

Oh, that is so sweet. Thank you.

Sybil, could you slide back a little? There's a shadow on Joan's face.

We think it's your pump.

Hey, a little respect here. This woman is working really hard.

It's okay. This is a lot better than last movie. On that one, the crew kept

playing keep away with my goiter.

Loving water loves you.

And then taking that bath.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it.

This is when Kevin took William upstairs.

This is Mom talking about how great it was to have Meemaw here for Mother's

And this is when she went off on that weird tangent about mothers and

and caring and love.

That wasn't about us. That was about Joan Van Ark's daughter.

Okay, here we go.

Welcome to Dysfunctional Family Theater.

This is the string bean casserole I made from scratch.

Here's the one my mother insisted on making.

Knowing full well I was making the same thing.

Sybil, I doctored up your sweet potatoes and now they're ready to eat.

Let me do that. It's Mother's Day. You haven't touched your dinner. No,

sweetheart. You sit down.

She can help, Mother. You sit down.

I can do it.

She's in a delicate condition.

Come on, Meemaw. She's not sick. She's pregnant.

I know she is, Zoe.

I also know what is appropriate dinner table conversation.

You're not right, Zoe.

You should have said Rachel is in the condition a lady gets in after having

and lots of sex.

more Kahlua.

Richard, if a dog swallowed William Satner's hairpiece, can't he just wait

it works its way out naturally?

Oh, Bill's hosting a benefit tonight.

Well, let him wear the terrier on his head.

It would look the same.

Well, stop by if you can. Yeah, I love you too.

There she is.

The soon -to -be blushing bride.

Marianne, show us your ring.

Not that one. The engagement ring Richard gave you. Oh,

isn't it beautiful?

You're such a dear.

Happy Mother's Day, Ma.

Sure I could hold.

You think I didn't realize your people celebrated Mother's Day?

Only for the last hundred years. Before that, we laid our eggs on the beach and

swam away.

Well, you're a good son anyway.

Marianne, I thought your Justin was going to be here for dinner tonight.

Well, it seems some whale washed up on shore and Justin decided that a whale

needed him more on Mother's Day than I did.

Perhaps... they'll have dessert with me if he comes home and finds me face down

in the pool.

What am I saying?

Save the whales.

Recycle. Plant a tree.

Attica!

Well, let me clear some of these plates away.

Sit down, Mother!

Sybil, we can't have dessert with the dinner plate still on the table, can we?

Well, maybe you can.

you hate my music so much that you had to come up with a lame excuse for me to

come downstairs.

I love your music.

I find myself singing it in the shower.

Bing, bing, bing.

Yeah, well, I was going to Zoe's anyway, so... Where's my story wand? I have no

idea.

You don't know where it is?

what it is.

My Aborigine story wand. It was sitting right here.

Oh, you mean that stick that was lying there?

I threw it out.

You threw it away?

Mom, an Aborigine chieftain gave that to me when I dug a well for his village.

He said the stick contained his soul.

Well, I'm sorry, dear, but you shouldn't leave other people's souls lying around

the house.

It was one of a kind.

You know, I'm supposed to return it to him someday.

Now what do I do, huh?

snap a leg off the dining room table and tell my god I'm a new soul at Pier 1?

Pier 1?

That does it. At the wedding, I'm serving whale.

Anyway, ever since Justin moved back home, we've been fighting constantly.

I'm afraid to clean up.

I could be wiping out God knows how many afterlives.

That's exactly why I never vacuum.

It's not just his fault.

I'm afraid the least little mistake on my part will cause him to run away

So I've been smothering and neurotic and judgmental.

Marianne, relax and just be yourself.

Aren't you listening? That's what I have been doing.

It will help me.

Well, here's what I did. I had another child and turned them against each

It's been working for years.

I'm afraid my relationship with Justin is suffering.

And it just got back on track.

Look, it's not easy when our children move back in. I mean, they're still our

children, but they're adults now, and the old rules don't apply.

I mean, Zoe and Rachel live in my house, eat my food, use all my stuff, and

never listen to anything I say.

What the hell am I talking about? Of course the old rules still apply.

Mother, Jeffrey was my life.

Listen to me, darling.

You're young and beautiful and strong, not like me. I'm old and feeble and

withered and spread out and saggy and, yes, grizzled.

But you have a future.

You're right, Mother.

What would I ever do without you?

And I love you.

Cut. Good work. Take five.

with Joan Van Orr.

My fault, I ask.

So tell me, what was it like working with that handsome John Forsythe?

That was Dynasty.

I was on that landing. Oh, that's right.

The one about the winery.

No, that was Falcon Crest.

I just loved you in that.

I should have never brought her on the set.

I should have never told her I moved to California.

You know, Sybil, seeing the two of you together today, I guess I never noticed

how much you and your mother are alike.

Take that back.

I am nothing like my mother.

I worked my entire life to break away from every aspect of her lifestyle.

I am never... ever going to become anything remotely like my mother.

Mama?

Oh, no.

This is all your fault.

Excuse me?

It's your job as my best friend to stop me from saying horrible things about

people when they can hear them.

darling, but next time I'll read your mind and gag you with your hump.

This is all I needed. After a whole day of watching Joan Van Ark play a part, I

could have done 50 times better.

What if Mom does turn out to be like her mother?

What if it's inescapable?

You know what that means?

You're going to be like Mom.

Shut up!

Yeah, I like your mom.

Shut up!

Oh, my God, that was so cool, the way her eyes rolled into the back of your

heads. Do it again.

Well, it's getting really late. I haven't played the piano all day. I

should practice.

Okay, I'll listen.

Justin, you're only doing this to avoid going home and dealing with your mother.

Yes, and you should help me with that. I would do it for you.

You know, this relationship is totally one -sided.

Oh, so now you're picking a fight to keep from going home.

Exactly.

That's really sad.

But you know what's even sadder? Hmm?

My sister's life is so pointless and pathetic that she's taping us right now.

Fine. Whatever. I don't care.

Thank you.

Now turn it off.

Okay.

Look, Justin.

I know living with your mother is driving you crazy, but... No, Zoe. She

clothes, okay?

She says she wants me to look my best while cleaning an oiled wet suit.

I didn't even know Armani made a wet suit.

All right, listen. I'll help you out.

You go to the bookstore for a couple of hours, okay? And then come back here and

we'll go to a movie.

All right.

But not if I have to... spend all night listening to you complain about your

mother. I haven't gotten to complain about mine for a week.

Fine.

See you, Rachel.

Bye.

Where's the remote?

I thought you were going to practice.

No, I have to get these shoes off. My feet are killing me.

I just said that to get Justin out of the house.

Why couldn't you take them off in front of him?

Because my feet are sweaty and I don't want Justin to know that.

I'm pretty sure he knows you sweat.

Rachel, you're so out of the loop.

See, you're married.

You can look like you look now and not worry about it.

I'm choosing to ignore that comment because I know you didn't mean for it to

sound as vicious and catty as it did.

Plus...

I know, I'm really cute.

Hey, is there any chicken salad left?

When Justin's around, they feel guilty eating anything that could be slung in a

verse of Old MacDonald.

Oh, Rachel, get a lunch.

Are you sure that my seat is on the aisle?

Yes, it is, ma 'am. And would you see to it that the pilot doesn't announce our

altitude during my nap?

That was really very inconsiderate of you.

Excuse me.

Hurry up, Mother. There are people waiting.

Sybil, if I'm going to be on a plane for four hours, I want to be comfortable.

Now, how large is the person sitting next to me?

Because I paid for a whole seat, and I don't need anybody spilling over into

Move away from the desk before someone does something they might regret.

See, well, I don't care what these people think.

I'm talking about me.

I certainly are tested today.

Is it your time of month?

That would explain a lot.

Oh, please. When I was in the eighth grade and didn't want to go to Bible

you said it was because of my period.

When I didn't want to wear the prom dress you picked out for me because of

period. Forget it, Mother. I am not having my period.

No, I'm not.

Oh, Lord, take me now.

Your attention, please.

Flight 320 to Memphis will begin pre -boarding at this time.

Passengers traveling with small children or requiring special assistance may

begin boarding through gate 17.

That's me.

What is that? You don't need a cane.

At my age, I've earned the right not to be treated like cattle.

Mama, I know what you're doing.

You're waiting to get the last word.

Right before you get on that plane, you're going to turn around and heave a

giant wad of guilt at me.

Why, dear, I would never do that.

Maybe you would.

But as you say, to your great relief, we're nothing alike.

You what?

Sybil, what are you doing?

You are not getting on that airplane until we talk.

Sybil, you're making me angry. Good. I want to see what that looks like.

Cut the steel magnolias crap.

Let's duke it out.

Fine. You don't want to be like me?

Well, I didn't want to be like me either.

But my mama didn't give me any choice.

A lady doesn't raise her voice, Virginia.

Or work outside the home, Virginia.

Or get a divorce, Virginia. So I stayed in a miserable marriage

until I got lucky and he divorced me.

Lucky? You were devastated when Daddy left you.

My mother was devastated.

I was relieved.

You have a career.

You have your freedom.

You have a life.

I envy that.

But I'm proud of it, too.

Do you remember...

What I said to you when you wanted to pursue a modeling career in New York.

Yeah, you said if I felt like I had to do it, then I should do it.

And I always put newspaper on the subway seats.

I let you have your choices, Sybil.

And if your daughters turn out half as good as you did, well,

maybe it's because you're just a little bit like them.

Wow.

That was great, Mama.

Next time, let's not wait so long to fight with each other.

You're right.

I'll call you from the plane.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

Nobody makes your sweet potatoes like your mother.

Do you believe this?

Jessica Lange just signed a three -picture deal.

She gets Liam, Nathan, and Alec Baldwin, and I get goiters and humps.

Here we go.

I could have been in Tootsie.

I could have been in Francis.

I could have been in Rob Roy.

Okay, I'm done.

Bye -bye.

the sweet potatoes.

Too late.

You can have Sybil's bean casserole.

Fine, take the Dom Perignon and leave me with a cold duck.

You know, y 'all are real happy to suck down my cook until my mother comes to

town. And then suddenly I'm like the cafeteria hairnet lady.

Sybil, I need a favor from you.

It's very important to me.

I don't know. You dissed my casserole.

I've decided to kick Justin out of my house.

Yes, before our relationship is completely ruined.

Unfortunately, he can't afford rent just yet. I've offered him money. He won't

take it.

And he says it would completely compromise his integrity to take money

father. He has learned nothing from me.

If only there was someplace he could stay.

There's the apartment over my garage.

You know, the place you already told him he could have before you came over here

to ask me if he could have it.

That would work.

Well, Justin will have to fix it up, and you'll have to eat a great big old bowl

of my bean casserole.

And I'll have to talk to his girlfriend.

What? How would you feel about Justin moving in over the garage?

Are you serious?

in this kitchen at 8 o 'clock every morning. So?

Mother, Justin says he likes how I'm not all wrapped up in my appearance.

Now I'll have to get up at 5 every morning just to make myself look like I

care how I look.

Thanks a lot.

So is that a yes?

Oh my God, I'll have to smuggle hamburgers into my room.

She's crazy about the idea.