Original subtitles

This is my son, Harry.

He's a big dermatologist here in Los Angeles.

You must be very proud.

Almost as proud as I am of my son, Ira, the lawyer.

A lawyer.

Well, I guess that's almost as nice as being a doctor.

Well, he was a lawyer before he wrote a novel and won the National Book Award

and got his picture in People magazine.

Your turn.

Okay. I wasn't going to do this, but here's my daughter -in -law standing in

front of the Capitol building where she works as a state senator.

Okay, I guess you win.

An ordinary man pushed to the breaking point.

Unless it counts that my daughter -in -law is a movie star.

His devoted wife struggling against the odds.

Oh. Look, there she is now.

Jeff Robbins and Sybil Sheridan star in Punch Out, coming this summer to a

theater near you.

Please, you're embarrassing yourself.

She's not your daughter -in -law.

Ruth, I'm sorry I'm late.

I was in the lobby signing autographs. Oh, you know how it is.

Sybil. This lady's daughter -in -law is a, um... What is it she does?

Never mind.

Enjoy the picture.

I love coming to visit you. Where's the next preview?

In Theater 8. I heard a woman in there bragging. Her daughter -in -law won a

medal in the Olympics.

A medal?

Bronze.

She's toast.

Loving one who loves you. And then taking that bow Nice work if you

can get it And if you get it Won't you tell me how

I could always stay at Ira's

place if it's a bother. No, you know you don't get any sleep over there.

He's always sneaking into your room at night to make sure you're still alive.

I've got it.

I'll split the difference. I'll stay with you for six days, and then Ira can

drive me to the airport.

Yes, Richard.

I'll think about it. I promise.

Goodbye.

Sybil, I'm a wreck.

Richard and I are having the first major crisis of our relationship.

He found that baggie with Michael Bolton's hair you keep in the freezer?

No, this is much worse. He wants to meet my mother.

And do you know why?

Because men believe that all women eventually turn into their mothers.

As if there were no such thing as plastic surgery and shock therapy.

I like your mother. When you took me to Buffalo, she showered so much attention

on me, it was like you weren't even... Shock therapy.

You crack me up.

Shame on you, Marianne. Show some respect for your mother.

After all, she gave you life. She gave you a home.

She gave my prom date my cousin Sylvia's phone number.

Introduce Richard to that woman. You have to.

It's not like this is some movie where you could hire Betty White to play your

mother.

Although I always liked her. Bet she bakes a nice cookie.

Oh, no.

Brought you some fresh popcorn.

Oh, give me that face. I gotta have that face.

If I tried that, I'd lose an arm.

Listen, you're not gonna get in trouble for this, are you? Hey, I've got the

vest. I've got the flashlight.

I've got the power.

Goodbye.

There's people waiting for nachos out there.

Get back behind the counter and melt that cheese.

Now. The cheese pump?

You mean it, Chucky? You think I'm ready? I must be if you think so

gosh, you're the man.

You're a slacker, Woodbine. You're a disgrace to the vest.

Is that my flashlight?

You know you're not supposed to touch my flashlight?

I'm sorry, Chucky. It's just that...

I don't want to be you.

Teach me.

I hate to see her settling for this job.

She was valedictorian of her high school, for crying out loud.

Sybil, she's only 18 years old. Give her some time.

Now, if you girls will excuse me, I think I'm going to go tell Chucky I

finger in my nachos.

She's had plenty of time.

She's already taken a year off. But I can't say anything or she'll take a

job just to spite me.

And then I can kiss these free raisinets goodbye.

Fine. Well, it seems Betty White is unavailable to play my mother.

But they're offering me Wheezy from the Jeffersons.

Give me that phone!

My break is starting.

Quiet!

An ordinary man pushed to the breaking point.

I can't wait to see this movie.

His devoted wife struggling against the odds.

Because of that woman right there.

Jeff Robbins and Sybil Sheridan star in Punch -Out, coming this summer to a

theater near you.

I saw her 20 years ago in Sorority Death Squad. She was so much better than the

movie. She's on school.

She's like my dream woman.

Oh, I don't know, but this lipstick is so me.

Oh, no, there's a spider in my popcorn.

Get it out! Get it out!

Hey, I know that scream.

I'm so sorry.

The hell I am.

Honey, I know this isn't comfortable for you, but I need to change my will.

Oh, Mom.

Is this going to be like when you want your ashes scattered over the salad bar

at Fizzler because they wouldn't give you iced tea refills?

I've thought it through this time.

I've decided that when I die, I want to be frozen.

Here we go.

They'll thaw me out later when they find a cure for whatever killed me.

Unless I get chewed up by an escalator or something.

Mom, stop.

When you die, which is never ever going to happen, I'd like to visit you in a

nice cemetery, not the spare freezer in my garage.

Honey, it's not like I'm a fish stick here. It's much more scientific than

But if it makes you feel better, you can bury my body.

Thank you.

We'll just freeze my head.

Your head?

It's cheaper.

I can't listen to this. I mean, when they revive you, how can I get around?

In a bowling bag?

Well, you'll find a good body for me.

Something with a nice turquoise.

Knock, knock. Anybody home?

Oh, hello, Marianne. There you are.

Richard, I would like you to meet my mother.

Mrs. Yukovich, I can't tell you how honored I am that you flew all the way

Buffalo and postponed your operation just to meet me.

handshake. Come here, Richie.

Mary Ann, your mother is everything you said she was. Mother?

Ira!

You two visit.

Ira and I will have a nice little chat.

Now.

Mary Ann, this is insane. Why?

Am I supposed to let him meet my real mother?

A woman who thinks she saw the image of St.

Bartholomew in a can of Pledge?

As opposed to your new mother, who's planning to have her head frozen.

Look, just because you've got the good mom doesn't mean you get to hog her.

Okay, listen.

When I feel a little more secure with Richard, then I will tell him the truth.

And by then, Betty White will be available.

I guess the important thing is that all that made sense to you.

But what makes you think my mother's going to keep this up for more than five

minutes? So my daughter is dating a veterinarian. Listen, my parakeet has a

cough. Can you put VapoRub on a bird?

Well, I can see where Marianne gets her sense of humor. And her good looks, too.

How am I doing so far, huh?

I'm laughing too hard.

Did she tell you she has a nice Jewish mother?

Mom! Stop!

You're driving me sugar.

Ready?

Chucky's flashlight.

Chucky.

My name's Chucky.

I'm wearing big boy pants.

I thought I'd put crazy glue on the switch so it won't turn off.

I have nothing more to teach you.

My little bird of fly.

What happened?

Did they discover that chicken fried steak is actually good for you?

This is what she's yodeling about.

Zoe! Danford!

It's just an application.

My year off is half over and I just wanted to look into my options.

I guess I wanted to see if I could get in.

to the rules, I'm not allowed to. You actually bought that book?

No way.

My mother sent it to me.

She highlighted whole pages of it.

It even sounds like her.

Sybil dear, don't stare at men or talk too much.

Remember, Dumplin, let him take the lead.

I read that book. You're not allowed to call him.

But he doesn't have my number.

That's not your problem.

So what's the deal here?

I should call his machine and leave my number, and then when he calls back,

don't take the call?

Yes, but when he finally does get through, you fool him into thinking

something you're not.

That's the way to catch a feller.

Right.

But just to be safe, when he gets here...

I'll back over them with my car.

Stanford.

Very nice.

Yeah, I also got applications for UCLA, Northwestern, and Berkeley.

Go ahead, here's the face.

You don't seem happy about this. Well, it's just that I don't know if I sent

them because I want to go or because I think I'm supposed to go.

Sweetheart, college is a good place to go to figure out what you want to do

your life.

On the other hand, people like Mark Twain and Abraham Lincoln never went to

college. They learned what they needed from living life.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe college is a bad idea right now.

I'm so glad you're here, Nonny. It always makes me feel better to talk

out with you.

Making him wait will only increase his desire.

Honey, at my age, increased desire could mean a stroke.

Hey, you know what? Mom stopped singing.

Yeah. Something wrong?

I mean, she's been a little aloof the past couple hours.

I don't know, but I'm not taking any chances.

I'm getting out of here before she starts singing Everything's Coming Up

again.

Hello, Mother.

Hello, Zoe.

Mother. Goodbye, Zoe.

Well, are you ready?

Mommy? As ready as I'll ever be.

Pumpkin.

I'm just going to freshen up. I'll be right back.

Listen, Richard, I've got to tell you something. I know.

You're not her mother.

What gave it away?

Well, I think it was, um...

Well,

maybe we should tell her when she gets out. Oh, no, no, no. We could have so

much more fun with this.

Oh, I like you.

Shall we?

Marianne, sweetheart, what's with the outfit?

My skirt wasn't pulled up that high when I gave birth to you.

It was so funny.

Too real. Pull it back.

It's too late.

I was busy. Shoot me.

Your mother's already gone and I have to leave for my date. I needed you an hour

ago. Sybil, this may come as a surprise to you, but when I leave your house, I

don't go into a holding tank.

I don't dematerialize until I'm summoned back to the Sybil world.

Are you done? Because I was talking.

Before Ruth talked to her, Zoe was this close to college, Ira.

I could smell the ivy.

Okay. I agree.

My mother shouldn't have meddled. But I didn't want to say anything because

she's your mother and so is your daughter and you need to be a part of

let me do all the talking.

I'll come by in the morning. No, no, no. I want to deal with this tonight. I

love Ruth and I want to get past being mad at her.

So you be here when I get back.

Get back?

From your date?

Hey, why don't we drive you kids? That way you two can make out in the back

seat.

Listen, I'll make it an early night. I'll meet you back here at 10 o 'clock.

I'm sorry. I was just worried about Zoe. I never meant that you didn't have a

life. Don't worry about it.

No, I don't know.

Maybe I do take you for granted.

But I don't think that you just disappear when I'm not looking at you.

Of course, I have no proof of that.

But I'll take your word for it, vapor boy.

Being a high school gym teacher may not seem like much, but I gotta tell you,

Sybil, I really feel like I'm making a difference with those kids.

Well, that's enough about me. I mean, you're the one who leads an interesting

life, and I want to hear all about it.

I'm so glad you decided to have dinner with me tonight.

I've run kind of a losing streak with women for, what, two years?

Three years?

That's a hell of a long time.

Enjoying that spaghetti, sir?

Thought so.

I brought you a few extra napkins.

is gone now.

Sybil, I really think you're the woman I've been looking for my entire life.

So, a cup of coffee sure would hit the spot right now.

I don't think I'll be needing any.

Listen, Cameron.

Oh, man, I know where this... going. I don't get it. What's wrong with me?

Look, you're a really nice guy, and I'm sure there's somebody out there for you,

but just not me.

I'm sorry.

Are you absolutely sure? Yeah, I'm sure. I'm really sorry.

Good night.

Hey, wait a minute. You got that book.

This is one of the rules, right? Like play hard to get or something?

Well, you hooked me, baby, so reel me in.

I'll call you in a couple of days.

Hey, next time we'll do Chinese.

I was here first.

It's not eavesdropping if I was here first.

I hope that was the worst date of my life.

I have spaghetti in my hair and I didn't even eat.

That guy won't take no for an answer.

Ten to one, that's how he lost his teeth.

I passed your date on the way in.

Nice looking fellow.

Beautiful smile.

Ma, we've got to talk.

Something wrong?

Well, it's a college thing with Zoe.

We'd really like her to go, and she was finally on the verge of doing it when...

I talked her out of it.

Ruth, I know it wasn't intentional.

It's just that Zoe really looks up to you. I see.

She's your kid. I respect that.

Next time, I'll be more careful.

Thank you.

And peace returns to Sybil World.

Well, not quite. We still have to talk to Zoe.

Right now, I'm going to go have a cup of tea with your mother, tell her about my

date, and trash men in general.

Want to come?

No, no, no. Thank you. I've got some glass at home I haven't finished chewing

yet.

Good night.

Good night.

I didn't mean to upset you. It was just something we felt we had to say.

It's not that, honey.

It's just that whenever I come here, it's you and me and Ira and Zoe like

a family.

Seeing you with that other man, well, it kind of upset me.

You should try watching him eat.

Ira and I have a very successful divorce.

It works better than a lot of marriages.

I know, darling.

Your divorce is the envy of my canasta game.

Don't worry. Ira's a great guy. He's going to find somebody.

Whether he does or he doesn't, I'll always be his mother.

How about you?

You're the closest thing to a daughter I've ever had.

If you find a new husband, you find a new mother -in -law.

Ruth, come on.

Nothing's ever going to change the way I feel about you.

I mean, give me that face. I've got to have that face.

Thanks, honey.

But I don't kid myself.

You are never going to lose me.

Besides...

Statistics show that a woman my age has a better chance of falling headfirst

into a wood chipper than finding Mr. Right.

That's very sweet.

But with you, I think the odds are a little better.

Anyway, I guess I won't worry about it until it happens.

Oh, and I want to show you something.

Come here.

You gotta put some thumb into it.

Ow!

Thank you for being your usual, wonderful, understanding self.

Well, thank you for being your usual, unpredictable, exciting, adorably insane

self.

Oh, Richard.

And remember,

It's you I care about, no matter what your family's like.

Excuse me. You have a phone call. Betty White.

The Betty White? I love her.

Aunt Betty.