Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny Hill Show, and here is Benny Hill.

I said, how was the show? She said, you ought to know. You silly great fool, you

were in it.

Anna Marie, I'm the girl I adore.

Anna Marie, I'm the girl I live for. I've travelled the world, all I can see.

I'll never find one like Anna Marie.

She invited me round for my birthday to show me how she could cook.

She made some flaky pastry.

It tasted like a wet book.

She had to admit that the cake that I bought really wasn't too bad.

She said she liked the 28 candles that were on the slice that she had.

I'll put something more comfortable on.

And I sat there biting my fingernails for the full half an hour she was gone.

The door burst open, she stood there with all of me mates from the dock.

And they all sang happy birthday to you. And all I had on was me socks.

much, ladies and gentlemen.

It's jolly nice to be with you once again. Of course, one of the joys of a

recorded show is that if anything goes wrong, it doesn't matter, you see,

because you just cut out the bit that's gone wrong and throw it away.

And then start again, you see. But of course, if anyone was to get hold of all

the little bits that have gone wrong and string them together, together,

together.

We're having a taste test, and one of these contains...

Spuddo instant mashed potato.

And the other one just like contains ordinary potato.

And we want to know which one you like the best.

This one.

You'd be bleeding well, would you?

Was it not all right?

Throw open wide your window, dear.

So,

Mr. Nick, do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to kill you.

But before...

Sorry, John, I've gone. I've dried.

I'm sorry. Can I have my word? I'm sorry.

I've never done this before in my whole life.

Honestly, I'm sorry.

Can we go again, please?

Living at today's high -speed pace, you have to be double sure of

personal freshness.

I'm sorry, officer.

I was doing a commercial.

Why, could I have a dressing gown?

Throw open wide your window, dear.

John,

could I have a word with you?

Eighteen months ago, Edith Tackett worked for Thames TV.

A year ago, She left to join Tele Monte Carlo. And just six weeks ago, she

became the fifth Vicomtesse d 'Argent.

Now, we've been having a little trouble with the Eurovision link, but we hope

it's clear now.

And anyway, she has my numbered questions, so we should be all right.

Tell me, Edith, do you still get the TV times?

Do you still get the TV times?

What's it like being married to a 70 -year -old vicot?

Well, I don't get it as often as I used to.

I used to look forward to Thursday mornings and the postman's visit, but

when I do get it, I think of you, Alan.

And all my friends at Thames Television. Happy days they were.

I believe your favorite wedding present was a French poodle.

He's nearly 75 years old, you know.

But he still manages.

A little tennis and golf.

He's quite active, you know.

I saw a photo of you dining with the French president, Monsieur Pompidou.

sort of person is he?

Well, he's got the stem...

Tell me that from your villa there's nothing but vineyards full of grapes as

as the eye can see.

How many acres have you?

Yes.

A perfect gentleman.

Do you hope to have children?

Probably twelve or fifteen hundred.

Mostly white ones, but one or two black ones.

or not, I don't know, but I do prefer red wine. Always have.

It's nearly two years since I was down that way.

Yes.

Well, we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?

It's a long time since I saw you in the flesh.

Alan, you wouldn't recognize the old place now.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Benny Hill Show, The Lady Bird.

I want you to want me. I need you so badly. I can't think

of anyone but you.

And I think I'm going out of my head.

Cause I can't explain the tears that I shed.

You just walk past me, you don't even...

Thank you. Thank you.

How let's let him go?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

I go and push my bed over to yours.

Your husband!

Your wife!

What are you talking about? You are my wife!

Oh, you are my husband.

Don't mean nothing can go wrong.

Excuse me.

At last, huh?

Yeah, at last. The border, this place.

This place. For years they've been arguing, is this in the Russian sector

this in the American sector? Now they've decided.

I hope it is in the American sector. What do you mean? I can't stand those

Russian vintages.

an export license?

I just want to push the bed over there next to my wife.

I want him to. And you, Madam Comrade, you have an import license?

I only want to push it over there. We were married this morning.

You wish to enter the Russian zone?

Yes, please.

You have a visa?

Oh, look, Comrade, he just wants to come over here.

It's understandable.

1857 is a punishable offence.

They're looking for workers in Siberia, Madam Comrade.

Now, you capitalist pig.

You wish to enter the Russian zone, right? Yes, yes, yes, please, yes,

Name? Doppelganger. Six.

Business or pleasure?

Business.

I think he means pleasure.

You'll see I mean business.

Have you any of the following diseases?

Swine fever, howl, pest, foot and mouth. No, no, give me that. That's for

livestock. That's not for you. Oh, I don't know, though.

Now then, application to enter a zone other than your own zone.

Yes, please.

I beg your pardon? How long do you plan to stay in the Russian zone?

Can I take my bag with me? Not without an import license.

Ten minutes?

Half an hour. Thank you very much. Half an hour.

Can I go over there now? Why?

Because the bathroom is over there. I must go.

Don't you have bathrooms in the free world?

I don't know where the free one is.

It's down the corridor. You can't miss it.

I shall try not to.

Lucky, you could have had so many loyal party members, some of them fully paid

out. Shame on you, comrades.

Get back to your jukebox, you imperialist oppressor.

Then they will give out my visa, be sure. I'll put the application in maybe

month, maybe two.

Two months?

Perhaps they've carried down all...

to you, my darling. You cannot enter the Russian zone.

Darling, who will tell?

I will tell.

You will tell!

You keep to your own kind, you capitalist, you exploiter of the

anti -revisionist, imperialist bourgeoisie.

Greta, I'm a pig, Gelder, from Linz.

The soles of my shoes are so thin I could stand on the rubble and tell you

it was. Hey, don't tell!

champagne. Filthy muck.

Made from grapes trodden down by the downtrodden peasant of France.

I wouldn't drink it with a six -foot pole.

Greta. You keep away from me, you, you, you, you playboy of the Western world.

Tell me, what is it? All these problems.

Stupid Schroeder. He can't even read his compass right.

That is the American zone and this is the Russian zone. This is the Russian

zone.

you filthy capitalist.

Get back to America, to your Hollywood, to John Wayne and all that trouble.

We don't want that, do we, darling?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we present our tribute to the Lower

Hospital Service.

Oh, God.

Sitting beside me is commercial television's most loyal viewer, Mrs.

Since its inception in 1955, you haven't missed a programme.

I say, it's not on yet. I want to be ready for when it comes on.

In all that time, what has been your favourite programme?

Oh, I like them all, you know.

I like the cereals.

Oh, yeah, Katie and Philip.

I like that one.

Always watch that. Oh, she feeds him up, doesn't she? He's been getting quite

plump lately.

I like that one, yes, ever so much.

Do you feel strongly about violence and sex on TV?

Well, I didn't used to like it very much when they sometimes used to have a big

pee on the television.

And they wouldn't let it into the packet.

I think the programme was called Cannonball.

But they get a bit saucy sometimes, don't they?

Where's that?

Well, when that fella comes home and opens his wife's wardrobe and there's a

in there.

She makes out it's the bank manager.

We know, don't we?

I mean, he may be the bank manager, but what's he doing in her wardrobe? That's

what I'd like to know.

And I like the educational programme.

The educational programme?

Oh, you learn so much on those, you do, honestly. How to wash things

biologically, you learn that, you do.

I mean, my husband's shirt, I used to put them straight in the wash.

Not now.

Put them in a pillowcase first.

I've learned that, yes.

I've learned all sorts of things. I've learned...

How to kill 99 % of all household germs.

Dead.

I don't suppose you could kill them any other way, really, could you?

Oh, and I like the adventure programmes.

Oh, on the seas with Captain Bird. I like that one. Oh, and that one in the

forest. Oh, no.

Weird, that car runs out the petrol late at night. All those wolves come round.

Oh, it's exciting. I think I'm on the edge of my seat when I watch that. And

other car with the right ingredient in the petrol goes straight past, doesn't

it? And goes back to the village where that nice German lady is singing.

I mean, it really shouldn't leave him like that because it's dangerous.

could happen, couldn't it?

Of course, my husband, he likes that one of that nice lady who's like walking by

the river or by the woods, you know, and she's very slowly unwrapping a bar of

chocolate flakes.

That's his favourite, that one.

I don't know why, but whenever he sees that, he gets all romantic.

I don't know why, he gets ever so romantic when he sees that one.

Which show do you enjoy most?

Well, I think I like the human dramas.

There's one on there, it's the most beautiful thing I think I've ever seen

life.

It's wonderful, I'm sorry, but I get so carried away.

And there's this man and he comes home and he's got to clean the floor and he

can't do it and he tries and there's fuzz and soap all over him.

Scottish lady she comes in and she needs no bidding

honestly she gives it the once over quick as a flash it's

all lovely and you can see he wants to thank her you can see the gratitude in

his eyes and he says thank you and she's so self -effacing so modest she won't

take any credit don't thank me she says thank and she holds the packet up

I don't know who wrote that play, but, I mean, we could all learn a lot from

that play.

And, I mean, whoever wrote it, I think he must have been a very nice person.

sorry.

I'm terribly sorry. Do forgive me.

Tell

me,

is there any programme you don't like?

Well... There's one, well, I'm sure he's a very nice man on there, and I'm sure

he's a very good actor and that, but he keeps looking at me and he says, it

contains the bitter lemon made by, you know who, and I don't know who.

And honestly, I feel like left out of it. I mean, in spite of what you might

think, I'm not a trendy person.

adverts much more when they had that nice chubby comedian on. They still

them.

You just stop in all day and night watching TV?

Yes, well, it's because I'm so frail, you see.

My husband, he said to me, Rita, he says you're like a piece of gossamer, you

are. He said if you was the guy, you'd get blown clean away.

That's why he never takes me out anywhere.

So you sit here watching TV all alone?

Not on my own.

Oh? Oh, no!

friends round. We have community singing.

Oh, we join in all of them, yes.

We all sing, you know, what we want.

Lots of chocolate Smarties. More, more. More, more.

Oh, yes.

Sing that one.

Oh, dear me. Of course, they don't write them like they used to.

In the old days, they used to write lovely ones, didn't they? Here.

Do you remember the singing petrol puns, eh?

Episode timing. Happy moment.

Murray Mint, too good to hurry, Mint.

You'll wonder where the yellow went when you cleaned your teeth with Pepsodent.

You haven't quite got the right rhythm.

Your memory is going a bit... It's more, I wonder where the yellow went when you

cleaned your teeth with Pepsodent.

They're more romantic nowadays, aren't they, the songs are?

No hands that do dishes...

They're more leoty, aren't they?

I like that one.

They're lovely words, aren't they?

Hands that do dishes can be soft as your eyes.

Coming on now.

That's the test card.

I'm so sorry. I'm afraid we will leave. Cry me a cutting hair and return you to

the studio.

Once again, Great Britain is the host of the nations of Europe in this European

Song Contest. And as we join this elegant audience here at the Alfred

stage is set for the first contestant. From Italy, pop star Hugo Gelli with

Amore.

Amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore.

Spaghetti. Ravioli.

The Spanish entry this year is Flora Loles with her guitarist El Rompo and a

song about this very contest, La Contesta.

Bum -a -bang -a -bang -a -bum -a -bang -a -bang -a -bum -a -bang -a -bang.

Pero yo soy Tarantino.

200 kilos.

Los hombres dicen, feel for comfort, no for speedo.

He's in Placera.

He's in Placera.

He's in Placera.

Britain's Chantry this year is ting -ting -a -ling.

And to conduct it, here is Jet Pacey.

Now, if you're feeling miserable, if you're feeling

blue, here's a little ditty that'll help to pull you through.

All the clouds will disappear, the grey skies turn to blue. Stick your finger in

your ear and go... ting -a -ling -loo.

Now, suppose you've got the fell pest, green fly

and goose's cough, a severe attack of hiccups, and your kneecaps have dropped

off.

The surgeon said, I'll operate, but the anaesthetic's gone.

You turn and look and smile at him and say, you carry on.

I'll stick me feet to it.

Go ting -a -ling -loo.

In 14 and in 39, war raised its ugly head.

And the bombs, they fell on Britain.

And one fell on my head.

But we went and fought the Germans and the Russians.

and the Finns, and the Italians, and the Japanese, and all that lot.

Because we knew just what to do.

We stuck our fingers in our ears and went ping -a -ling -a -loo.

Now, Prince Philip said, get your fingers out.

And cut me to the quick.

I didn't do the trick.

So follow your true leaders with all your might and main.

Be like Jenkins, Heath and Wilson.

And stick them back again.

And stick your fingers in your ear. Ting -a -ling -a -loo.

Your finger in your ear. Ting -a -ling -a -loo. Remember just what Gladstone

said in 1882.

Stick your finger in your ear.

French conductor Michelle Lepetit mounts the rostrum and leaves the orchestra

for French singing star Mireille Maton.

Good morning every evening.

And to all the British gentlemen and ladies men who are at this moment

together. in the privy of their own homes.

Good night.

Et maintenant, sous les paroles d 'Alain Derrière, une musique de Pierre Lecouf,

accompagnée par les champignons de la chanson, The Singing Mushroom.

I give you Pauvre Fille.

Tu demandes pour toi Je suis terrible

C 'est parce que

j 'attends un bébé

et je ne suis pas marié. Sur la main, il n 'y a

pas un ring et je suis...

... ... ...

... ... ... ...

And here with the Portuguese entry is Ammonia Rodriguez with Primavera.

Thank you very much.

That's funny.

Next year's entry is Sean Rose with Hans and Lottie Stuck.

Du bist so schön auf dem Stein.

Das ist, warum ich sing.

Ich hab ein schönes Hose. Das ist wirklich

von dir.

Thank you.

And now, for the moment we've all been waiting for, here to collect the votes

from all the countries concerned is our own Katie Boyla.

Thank you. Thank you very, very much.

We're starting off right away with the Italian votes. And how many points,

Italy, please? How many points?

Carlo Ponti, Italy, Carlo Ponti.

Portugal, seven points.

Portugal, two points.

France, four points.

France, one and a half points.

Right, moving on. Come in, Portugal.

Come in, Portugal.

Here in Lisbon, we give Spain ten points.

Seven points to Spain. And now for the German marks, we are going to Zurich.

Thank you.

That's absolutely splendid. And now on to Austria.

Thank you.

Well,

I liked it too, but what's that got to do with it?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Italy, eight points.

Nine. Italy, nine points.

That will get you nowhere.

On we go to España.

We're going to Spain. Are you there, Spain?

Bonus knocker, Signor Uta.

Death to the Italians. Oh,

I'm sorry. Six to the Italians. Nine.

Ah,

tu es muy amable, gracias.

Carrying on to la belle France.

Are you there, France?

Katie, la maigreuse Katie.

Comme t 'es belle, t 'es toi. Avec votre jolie robe, t 'es toi.

Et votre frappeuse, si élégante, ici.

T 'es méchant, toi, alors. T 'es méchant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Oh, I can see my father.

Oh, um... Leave vote, Silverplate.

Six for Spain.

And for Great Britain.

Jolly good.

Shall we go on to the next one, please?

Would you...

Speak up, please. I can't understand what you're saying.

Thank you, Northern Ireland.

Now let's have a look at the boats, shall we, and see where we are.

Soap,

anyone?

Thank you.

Oh, house pies.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen.

And we look forward to seeing you all again very, very soon. Till then, bye

-bye.