Original subtitles

Pilot sex shit?

What the fuck?

Anyway, we need you to land the plane.

- What? - You said you speak Spanish.

- But-- - So does the air traffic controller.

Put on the headphones. Sit down.

Put the headphones.

- Okay. Okay. - That one.

Good luck, man.

1723. Do you copy?

Uh, yes. This is 1723.

My God.

I'm not a pilot!

I don't have a fucking clue how to be a pilot.

Don't worry, everything will be fine.

My name is José,

I understand that the pilots are incapacitated.

Uh...

Yes.

Don't worry. I will guide you.

Okay, let's breathe.

Let's see, what's your name?

- My name is Tom. - Okay, Tom. Nice to meet you.

I want you to pull the lever that says Throttle two.

Yeah.

Okay.

And grab the yoke.

Now you're going to move that yoke gently,

so I can see how the plane is moving.

Yes, José.

It's moving the plane a little.

Wow, Tom.

I know you've never flown a plane before, but you're doing it very well.

We're going to be fine.

I'm very scared.

It's just that...

It's just that I feel like I'm going to have terrible diarrhea any moment here.

Many people get airplane diarrhea, don't worry.

Yes, that's true.

Wow, and what do you do, Tom?

The funny thing is that I'm a comedian.

Wow, Tom the comedian, nice to meet you.

And what is your last name? Maybe I know you.

My last name is Segura.

Tom Segura?

Yes.

Oh, yes.

I have heard of you.

Yes?

Your comedy is not very nice, cabrón.

Oh, you speak English?

You know, Tom Segura,

I have a brother who has Down syndrome.

And you like to say that people are retarded, correct?

Look, man, I'm sorry if I ever said something

that was... offensive like that.

Like, I use it to describe, like, a friend doing something silly, you know.

- Like my brother. - No, of course not.

What I'm saying is, like, sometimes, you know, your friend does something dumb.

You know what I mean?

Pulls his dick out at a wedding reception.

You're like... You know?

No. No, I do not know, actually.

José, can we please put my dumb career choices aside

and just help with this real life-threatening issue, José?

Oh, you want help? Sure. Here we go.

Oh, my God, dude, please. This is going down so fast.

I'm sorry that I've said stupid offensive things that are reckless.

I say things on stage sometimes to get a laugh.

That's not who I am as a person.

Okay, so what you say at work you don't really mean.

Exactly, José. Yes.

Oh, okay, I understand now.

You see that red button that's next to the altitude?

- Yeah. - Push it.

Oh!

Am I supposed to push it

- or are you making a point? - I don't know.

I'm at work right now. What did you say about people at work?

Are you fucking kidding me?

José!

I'm sorry, José. Please!

Words matter, cabrón.

Okay, goodbye.

What time does lunch start you say?

Soon enough, right? Hmm.

José, please!

José! José, please! What do I do?

Oh, shit! Tom, are you still there?

Oh, my God.

Thank God. I wanted to say, bro,

- I love your podcast. - What?

Okay, ciao. Blessings.

Oh, my God! What have I done?

- Tom! - Yes, I'm here.

The one with your wife, not the other one.

The other one is hard to listen to.

Please, help me!

José!

Oh, fuck!

This is Diego, a pilot from Argentina. He was sitting in economy.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you're a fucking pilot!

Hello.

Oh... Oh...

Oh!

Oh... Oh, my God.

1723. We are level and heading in the normal direction.

You really became a pilot today, huh?

That guy was such a dick.

So we have, uh, about three hours left on the flight.

We can make the most of it.

Whoa! Dude, what are you doing?

- What? - What are you doing?

Let's get to the fucking, huh?

Bro, what?

I'm going back to my seat, man.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Pilots are fucking kinky fucks, man.

- You're really gonna leave? Okay. - Yeah.

You're already here.

No.

All right, let's do it.

Okay.

Teach me how to fly, man.

Communication is fascinating.

It's not just language or speaking.

It's about conveying how you feel,

what you're thinking, the joy you're experiencing.

And who are some of our best communicators?

Dolphins.

'90s Oprah.

Politicians.

Look at this guy.

He's got 'em all fired up.

So, I hope you enjoy these stories about communication.

But if you don't...

How do I say this?

Yeah, that works.

Whoa. Do I speak sign language?

I totally understood that.

So this is Burbank, California.

Uh-huh, pretty neat, huh?

It's real neat.

Definitely a far cry from Boise, that's for sure.

You know who, I read, comes here?

Jay Leno.

What do you think about that, huh?

He parks his hot rod right out there.

And he comes here. That is really cool.

You're right, Dad. That is really cool.

Yeah, it's really cool.

I'm sorry.

I never do this, but I just had to come up and say

that fucking you last week was so fun.

I'm sorry, what?

So fun.

Enjoy your meal.

I have no idea who that was.

Yes, you do.

I knew it.

What? Da-- I'm not gay, Dad.

This is gonna kill your mother.

Come on. I dated Jill for two years.

Welcome to Darwin's. I'm Donovan and I'll be taking care of...

Oh, shit!

I turned this boy's pussy inside out last night.

What are you talking about?

All gas, no brakes. Raw.

Honey, look. There's that slut we made prolapse.

He was gagging on my balls.

It was pathetic.

Yo, bro, I finger fucked you too.

Why is everyone saying they fucked me?

Because we did.

In that game.

Is that me?

It's actually a cool story.

There's a passion project.

This IT guy developed a game in his basement.

He went on to make, like, a billion dollars off it.

It's inspiring.

Cyrus?

Hey, make that face you do, that...

Welcome to the property.

Welcome to the property.

Cyrus?

Evan? Is that you?

I barely recognize you, man.

You barely recognize me?

I know. It's pretty cool, right?

It's crazy what 800 million in videogame sales can buy.

This is fucking horsehair.

Yeah. I think we need to talk.

Come on in, bud.

Did you make a video game where aliens fuck me?

I made a very successful video game called Aliens Fuck Humans.

I'm not sure what that has to do with you.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Look. This is clearly me.

No.

Okay. Well...

then what is this?

An AFH-KOHLUR collab.

Dude, the human in the game looks exactly like me.

I don't see the resemblance.

Take the fucking game down.

Hey. Whoa, whoa.

Are you mad?

You want to play games with me? I'll show you.

- Oh, hey! Hey, man! - I'll fucking show you.

- Stop! Evan! - Take the game down!

That's $11 million--

- Take the fucking game down! - Stop! Stop! Stop!

Fuck!

Yes.

God damn.

The human in the game is modeled after you.

Yeah. No shit.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Why would you put me in this game?

I don't know.

I guess you just kind of have a "fuck that guy" kind of face, you know?

I didn't know the game was gonna blow up the way it did.

And looking back...

I definitely should not have used you in it.

So you'll take the game down?

No, it's impossible.

There's hard copies everywhere.

But I have been developing a new game.

Aliens Fuck Humans IV.

And in this new game, you do not get fucked by aliens.

You're actually the hero.

I'll cut you in on a piece of the action.

Fifty-fifty split.

You'll be rich as shit.

And I'm not gonna be getting fucked by aliens in the new game?

No.

Let me show you.

AFH IV is the future of VR gaming.

It's the first of its kind to use real time neural imaging

of the user's brain to create the most realistic experiences possible.

What does that even mean?

Well, it means you're now the co-owner of this kickass breakthrough tech,

partner.

Try it out.

Aliens Fuck Humans IV.

Evan's Revenge.

Holy shit.

This feels so real.

It's pretty cool, right?

Is this my childhood home?

It is.

Wow.

Hello, son.

Dad?

Happy birthday, buddy.

Would you like some cake?

Why does the cake say "Happy Birthday Cheryl" on it?

Oh, my God.

Dude, this thing just got real tight.

That's weird.

Word on the street is you like cake.

Oh!

- Go on. Have a slice. - The fuck is happening?

That's it.

Fuck, I can't control my legs, man.

You'll control your legs when you finish the cake.

Is this all because I wouldn't give you

a piece of cake at Cheryl's birthday party?

I don't know. Is it?

Cyrus! Cyrus, please!

Do you know what flavor this cake is, son?

- Cyrus... - It's papa flavor.

Cyrus, don't do this.

Eat all the cake up.

Yum, yum, yum.

You can eat it out of my ass.

Cyrus, please.

Don't do it.

Lick it all up.

Cyrus, don't!

No!

Would you like more kiwis, Mr. Cyrus?

No, I'm fine. Thank you, Magdalena.

Oh, Dad!

Did you want a juice?

- Oh! - Papaya?

Mmm...

- Cyrus! - Actually, papaya sounds nice.

- Thank you. - Oh, no!

Cyrus, please! Oh!

No, Dad!

- No! - This shit is amazing.

Cyrus, no!

Keep the news stations at bay.

They'll be showing up in about 15 minutes, Carmen.

Hi, Tom.

I'm Detective Jacobs.

Now, I know you've been through a lot,

but when you're ready, I'm here to listen.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

I can take you through what happened.

Um...

I was waiting in line to buy a coffee.

Like I do every day.

Hi. Can I help you?

Hi. Can I have a large iced coffee?

- Sure. That'll be $3.45. - With--

Sorry.

I just have a few, uh, modifications.

Okay.

Large iced coffee, extra ice, please.

And just a small splash of whole milk, please.

Still $3.45.

Thank you.

- Do you need to, uh... - What?

Type it in?

No, I... I got it. We have a system.

No, I know you got it.

I wasn't trying to suggest that you couldn't remember that.

I just meant...

Sometimes when it's not typed in,

- it's not... They don't see it. - Okay.

Iced coffee, extra ice, splash of whole milk.

- That is it. - $3.45.

Thank you.

Would you like to tip?

- Sure - How much?

A dollar?

Five seems right.

Next.

Tom. Iced coffee for Tom...

with modifications.

Jesus Christ.

Sir. Excuse me.

Could we talk about this?

Could I meet you down here?

Excuse me. Hi.

Will you please stand still?

Uh, can you remake this?

I'm a little busy, man.

No, I know. I'm not trying to be rude, I promise.

I just, uh... I can't drink this much milk.

You know, I-- I paid for it.

So could you just remake this

with less milk... please?

- Less milk? - Please.

- Yeah, man. I got you. - Thanks.

Now it's got less milk.

I'm a professional barista.

I know what a fucking splash is.

Holy shit!

Oh, my God.

Now the devil's in a rush

Oh, fuck!

I'm sorry, Tom.

Are you saying you're the one who committed these gruesome acts of violence?

Yeah.

And then you...

Put the guy's hand in a blender.

You don't listen!

Open up. Open your mouth.

Open your mouth.

You got a system, huh?

You got a system that works?

Does that work?

Open your mouth!

All right, that's it. You're under arrest.

No, no. Sorry.

Actually...

I still have the receipt.

Oh, yeah. Yep. It says "splash of milk" right there.

- Sorry about that, sir. - Yeah.

You missed the first part of the story.

Jinx.

You owe me a Coke.

How about a coffee?

That's a good one.

Oh! I'm exhausted.

You killed three people.

I know. I've never done that.

I don't know how you guys do it.

Take it easy.

Hey, little Hollywood

You're gone but you're not forgot

You got the cash But your credit's no good

You flipped the script And you shot the plot

And I remember, I remember

When the neon Used to burn so bright and pink

So bright and pink!

A Saturday night kind of pink