Original subtitles

Good evening. It's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? It's very nice.

We had hoped to start by interviewing the world's oldest man, but

he's had to cry off due to the unexpected illness of his father.

So here instead is the news. Mr. Harold Wilson's booklet, entitled How I Solved

the Economic Crisis, was published today, priced £346.

The whole Liberal Party has refused to fill in their census forms.

And they're now in two cells at Pentonville Prison.

And now, the major issues of the week. A man in Shepherd's Bush who ate a

hundredweight of sage and onion was admitted to hospital this morning.

He is said to be as well -stuffed as can be expected.

So... So much for the major issues of the week.

Reports... Reports are coming in of a big jewel raid said to have been

by Sooty.

Harry Corbett is believed to have had a hand in it.

Downing Street.

Mr Edward Heath had a meeting with the Cabinet today. He also spoke to the

bookcase and the chest of drawers.

And now, sport.

In the world short -sighted table tennis championships, Mr and Mrs Harold

Johnson of Droitwich won the women's doubles.

And Fulham Football Club, worried by failing attendances, have just paid £80

,000 for three spectators from Liverpool.

And news is just coming in of the Elephant Grand National at Aintree.

Unfortunately, the British Hope, Lassie, got jammed in the starting gate, but

still sportingly finished the course and came fourth. The starting gate came

fifth.

A butterfly, entered by the Duke of Norfolk, fell at the first four fences.

Six elephants fell at the ninth fence, and four elephants fell at the sixth

elephant.

At the end, 17 jockeys contested the finish, but were disqualified as they

all in the same elephant.

And the result, first, was voodoo by hoodoo out of youdo.

Second, mumbo -jumbo by jumbo out of mumbo.

And third, fluke by dachshund out of all proportions.

Now, it's time once again to have a look at the state of the party.

Wonderful party, isn't it? Yes, isn't it?

Very colourful.

Oh, there.

Have a guess.

What? Have a guess who I am, you know. Have a guess.

Edward Heath?

No, seriously.

The Oranges. Begins with N. Begins with N. Oranges.

Norman St. John Stevens.

How many oranges, Nell? Oh, Nelson.

Nell Gwynn.

Yeah.

It's good, isn't it?

Who are you as?

Richard the Lionheart.

Richard the Lionheart.

Oh, yes, that's very good.

Didn't Richard the Lionheart wear armour and... No, not always. No, not always.

When he wanted to relax, he just wore a lion suit.

I didn't know that. Will the judges know that?

Well, I'm not really interested in winning.

I just like the fun of dressing up.

There's some very good prizes, you know. Yeah, there's nothing I really want,

though. I've already got an oven -ready turkey at home.

And a bottle of champagne.

Do you think I ought to have worn a suit?

No, no, I think you look very nice in that dress.

The oranges are too much, aren't they?

Well, they certainly are.

Certainly make the point.

No, I mean, there are two... There are too many oranges, aren't there, Ed?

Well... No, there are too many oranges. Be honest, there are too many oranges.

Neil Gwynne is associated with oranges.

Yes, but I didn't need to come done up like a bloody greengrocer.

It was the wife's idea, really. She did it, you know. She said, oh, I'll take

them all off. I mean, I knew it was wrong, really, when they were on. You

I knew. I had the sense.

I knew it was totally wrong, you know. Totally wrong.

There we are.

There we are. Nell Gwynne without the oranges. Yes, that's much better, yes.

is. It's much more subtle, isn't it? Yes, it is, yes.

The dress is wrong, isn't it?

No, no, I think the dress is fine. Excellent.

No, but it's so sort of blatant and conspicuous and obvious in a cheap way.

mean, that is so subtle, you know.

The world of Richard the Lionheart captured in a lounge suit.

Richard the Lionheart relaxes after the crusade in a lounge suit. See what is

all wrong? It's so nasty and cheap and tasteless. I knew it was, really.

I feel so much better. Thank you very much for your help. Not at all.

I told him I was Richard the Lionheart.

Who are you?

What do you mean, who am I?

I'm the Beverly Sisters.

Jesus.

tonight, see, so they got me over from the cafe opposite. Right, now then,

tonight it's bourguignon et le pouf cilibre.

All you need, all you need for that is some cooking gin and some bloody

ingredients, you see.

Now, what's this? Is this cooking gin here?

No, that's paraffin.

This must be the gin here, then.

Yeah, that's the gin. Yeah, I think paraffin if it'd be better, eh?

Now, this dish, you see, this dish is suitable for a smart dinner party, like

you've got some smart bird like Lady Antonia Fraser, you know, over for nosh,

and you're like, you know, what you like trying to, you know, pull up, you know.

First of all, first of all, I recommend the patty.

Now, see, there's a patty, look.

Well, you see, because he's stuck in the car for the rest of the evening, you

know. Oh,

dear. The cleaner will get rid of him in the morning. Right, now, second course,

second course. You get your cheese souffle here.

Oh, God.

Where's me bloody hanky? Oh, this is it.

Right, I usually serve this with a smart muskadet or a brown ale.

this, see?

Stick that straight in the oven and you've got meat.

Oh! Oh, God.

Bleeding North Sea gas. No, no.

For your main course, if you want to play the perfect host, you know, sort

you know, get her at it. Like, you want the... See, bundle of meat there.

Like that, see? Now, I usually get the end of week because it's been hanging

about a bit and it's a bit cheaper.

Right, now, you chuck in the puff pastry over here like this, see?

Then you add some cooked in gin like that. Chuck that in there.

Have a drop.

No, it's the paraffin again. There you want the chopped parsley. It's no

good without the chopped parsley. Now, where did I see that chopped... Oh,

chopped parsley.

That's right, it's in here.

Oh,

here, here, here.

It's all wet in here.

Oh, kill that bloody cat.

herbs, you see. Where's the herbs? Can I have the herbs, please, dear?

That's it.

There's the herbs, you see. A bit of sage, thyme, and a little touch of

rosemary. Woo! Thank you, Rosemary.

Dear old Rosemary. She's a good shot. Right, now, put those over there.

Chuck them all down there. Now, you've got to, of course, always remember to

keep the board clean at all times, like this, because you've got to be hygiene

it. Right, now, you chop those up a bit there, like that, see?

Chop them all up like that.

Look at that. Prep the seats now, you know, these.

Now, right, I'll put that chuck down here, anyway.

They'll all be so plastered, they won't know. Right, darling, where are we now?

Some people, of course, use a liquidiser when mixing this up like this, you see.

I don't always mix in misers or liquidisers, I should say, because I

once, once. I only use once, once. Use once, once, once.

Use once. I only... I only use one liquidiser once, yeah. Liquidise my

finger. Look at that, see?

Like a liquid tomato soup, nobody noticed.

Anyway, you...

Right, you bung all this in the oven, you see. Bung it all in the oven and

it cooking.

Move over, that's it.

If you've just got time now to sweep out under the table, scrape the congealed

bits off the top of the sauce bottles and it'll be ready.

It'll come out looking like this. There you are. Isn't that beautiful?

Look at that now.

He'll be dealing with Tornadus Rossini avid champions.

If he's not, I'll be showing you how to liven up your rizzles, eh?

You will remember, dear reader, how I relinquished the tinsel and glitter of

London stage, forgoing a promising career as an actress, in order to go and

to relieve the suffering soldiers in the Crimea.

The medical officer in charge of the base hospital was Captain Featherstone,

it was under him that I was to perform my various duties.

And we both devoted all our energy to the task.

No,

not since my last leave in London, no.

Honestly, I'm surprised the whole hospital isn't swarming with rats. There

rats here once, but they left. Couldn't stand the state of the place.

Talking about rats, isn't it time for our evening meal?

Well, I've detailed Corporal Clark to cook it tonight while I concentrate on

cleaning. I think I'm probably more of a scrubber than he is.

Possibly, yes, possibly.

God, it's quiet here, isn't it?

It is indeed somewhat more peaceful, yes.

I didn't mean that. I meant up at the front. Why aren't we having any wounded

brought back? Why no gunfire?

Mark my words, nurse, the enemy are preparing to launch a full -scale

God, how I hate the quiet, the calm before the storm.

God, how I hate the quiet.

Can't you be less quiet, you gobbledygook?

Sir!

What is it, Corbel? I've just been up the front line, sir. The colonel asked

to give you a message.

What did I tell you? It's all very quiet up there, sir.

Yes. I thought you were supposed to be cooking supper.

Oh, that's all done, sir.

Oh, good. Tell us the worst.

Dumpling and rice puddings again, sir.

Yeah, the message, you idiot.

Oh, the message, you idiot. Oh, yes, sir.

The colonel asked me to tell you to be prepared to receive wounded at any time,

sir. What? You mean the enemy are preparing to launch a full -scale

No, sir. He reckons it's too damn quiet.

Oh, well, thank you very much, corporal. Nurse, you better...

Check up on the medical supplies, particularly the bandages. We may

a lot of bleeding men on our hands.

Oh, I'd better get a lot more bleeding food ready, then.

All right, Corporal, you can carry on with your work. Thank you, sir.

No,

goodness, I can't sit here doing nothing.

It's driving me mad. I'm going off to the trenches. Will you tell Corporal

to send my supper up there?

Do you think you should? Is it not frightfully dangerous?

Yes.

Rightfully dangerous, of course it is. Last time I was up there, I tripped over

some barbed wire and grazed my leg right up here, you know. I can't sit here

doing nothing. I must do something. It's driving me mad.

No food, this eternal filth. No medical supplies.

No rest.

Day in, day out.

Nothing but blood and dying men.

Blood and dying men.

How much longer do we expect me to stick it?

How long have you been out here? Since Tuesday.

into this accursed mud?

That's custard, sir.

Custard? I don't get a hold of custard.

Well, it's not real custard, sir. It's cornflour with a drop of iodine put in

it, sir. Oh.

Well, at least it's antiseptical, isn't it, sir? Yeah.

No, I don't think I... I don't think I can eat. No, you know, I really don't

think I can. Why don't they attack?

This waiting's driving me mad. This eternal waiting.

I'm used to it, sir.

Oh? Yeah, I used to be a waiter. Will there be coffee to follow, sir?

No, sir.

Have a seat. Have a seat, will you? I want to talk to someone.

Wouldn't you rather have Nurse Beckett, sir?

No, I just want to talk.

Oh, all right.

There we are, sir. Make yourself sort of comfy.

What sort of... What sort of childhood did you have, Clark?

Oh, pretty rough, sir.

There were seven of us.

Really? There were 43 of us.

43, sir?

Yes, I was brought up in an orphanage. Ah.

Scarcely knew my mother at all.

Come to think of it, my father didn't know her awfully well, either.

Oh, an orphanage, I suppose. Yes.

That's when I first decided I was going to be a leader of men.

I was quite tall for a boy of eight.

I still am.

I formed a little army of chaps, and we had hats made out of folded newspapers

and little tin swords.

Oh, I bet you had some fun, didn't you, sir? Well, not really.

Head of the orphanage. Put a stop to it all. Oh, why, sir? Well, we killed the

matron and the governor's got to find out about it.

Oh, dear. What did they do to you, sir?

Recommended me for scientist.

And here I am.

Yes, I... I know. I know all about war, Clark.

What about you?

War gives me indigestion, sir.

Really? Yeah, I'm all right at home. You know, I can eat anything.

Even back at the base camp, it's not so bad. But as soon as I get in the front

line, it all comes on again.

It started, sir.

Oh, sorry, I thought that was gunfire. Well, I think you ought to be... These

two tablets every four hours... Oh, no, it was gunfire, sir. It's going on now,

sir. You're right.

The enemy are launching a full -scale attack.

This is it. We must get back to base hospital, Clark.

This could be a pretty messy business.

The attack had begun.

We all worked tirelessly, but were sorely hampered by our lack of medical

supplies.

Every available piece of linen was needed for bandages.

Never before had a woman's petticoat been removed to such a good end.

Here, nurse, what's happened to your clothes?

We're using them for bandages.

How are things at the front?

Oh, very nice, miss.

All ship -shaped and Bristol fashion? I was referring to the battle, corporal.

Oh, I was a lot more wounded on the way, I'm afraid, miss.

And so it went on.

But I must say, although many of them were badly wounded, the men remained in

remarkably good condition.

It was heartwarming to feel that my contributions to their increased well

appeared to be appreciated for the supreme test of my patriotism soon to

Nurse, I'm afraid I shall still need one more head bandage.

Oh, dear. I know how you feel, but try to remember that a man's life is at

stake. Very well. If I must, I must.

I can assure you.

that it won't go unnoticed.

The war

continued for day

after weary day.

Still more wounded came pouring in, and conditions became worse and worse,

despite the occasional influx of supplies from behind the lines.

I've come to help.

Oh, good.

Over here, dear.

At last, the inevitable happened.

We were forced to evacuate.

I was to be relieved of my post and return to Europe.

And I must admit, dear reader, that it was with some relief that I took my

of Captain Featherstone and Corporal Clark.

Well, goodbye, Henrietta.

I shall always remember the things you had to bear for England.

You helped me to bear them, dear Captain Featherstone.

Goodbye, Corporal. Goodbye, Miss.

Good luck with the journey.

Thank you.

I hope she gets that train that goes through Rome. I only hope she makes it.

I'd hate to spend the rest of my life thinking of her left behind.

Oh.

I rather liked it, sir.

The money that Captain Featherstone had kindly loaned me was quickly enough by

train fare, and although I ate besparingly, I very soon found myself

and hungry.

I had determined to reach dear old England once more, but with only a few

miles to travel, found myself stranded because of lack of funds in that most

beautiful of cities, standing as it does upon the River Thane.

Yes, dear reader.

You have guessed it.

Paris, but once again, fortune was on my side.

As I sat drinking my last cup of coffee in a little cafe on the left bank, fate

once again laid its hand upon my shoulder.

Bonjour, Pierre.

Bonjour, monsieur.

Bonjour, mademoiselle.

Trees have left the countryside, have dotted on the ground.

The birds all sing a different song, the low and the

lonesome sound.

The low and the lonesome sound.

so long Delia Delia

everything I had is home if we could

count the falling stars as we had done before

or share the sound of summer rain

Who can tell what Gilead called, why she went away?

Or if she always knew that she would break my heart

one day.

Would break my heart one day.

Thank you, New World.

If I do seem a bit nervous tonight, it's because, you know, I'm in a bit of a

quandary, as a matter of fact, something of a quandary. I mean, I'm not very

nervous. Don't wait until you think I'm very, very nervous. You know, if I'm

ever really worried during a show, I mean, I do what I always do. Keep very

and lock myself in the toilet.

I mean, I'm just a little bit nervous. You know, you can always tell when I'm a

little bit nervous. You know, that finger twitches like that. You know.

They damaged a nerve when I had my tonsils out.

And you may think that's a little bit strange, but when you're my size, your

tonsils are much nearer the end of your arms than most people.

And sometimes, I mean, sometimes it becomes quite uncontrollable, you know.

Points at people I don't know, you know.

I mean, look at it now, look.

Look at it now. I mean, you're standing in the corner of a busy street and it

starts that.

Perfect strangers come up and whisper, what do you want? What do you want?

Oh, it leads to life all of its own, you know.

This finger leads to life all of its own.

One morning I woke up and it was halfway up my nose.

God knows where it gets to when I'm not looking.

Funny way to get in touch with anyone.

Anyway, that is incidental. What is worrying me is that I was going to

Some jokes about doctors and psychiatrists, you know. And I tried a

rehearsal, and the crew here and the cameramen, well, you know, well, they're

miserable lot anyway.

And then the producer came over. I didn't know he was the producer. I mean,

had noticed him around at rehearsals, but I thought he was looking after the

coats.

Many a couple of bobbies had off me, I can tell you.

Very nice, he said, Ron, very nice, very funny.

Take no notice of this miserable shower. He said, it'll be great in the night.

Just try not to mention the word doctor, you see. Okay, lovey?

Don't mention the word doctor. Well, can you do doctor jokes without mentioning

doctors? I don't know. I could try one, I suppose.

A young lady went in to see a quantity surveyor.

He said to her, take your clothes off.

She said, where shall I put them? He said, over there on top of mine.

Well, you see... Sorry, it's... You know, it's not funny anymore, is it?

It wasn't all that hysterical in the first place.

It was a bit funny because you don't expect a dirty, suggestive remark from a

doctor. But, I mean, we all know about quantity surveys.

I mean, it's getting, you know, so bad about the streets that you can't walk in

the streets at night without getting your quantity surveyed.

In my case, it's not a very long job.

They can't say I didn't give it a try. Anyway, a chap walks into a doctor's

surgery. I mean, I don't care if they do have the Luton Girls Choir on this

chair next week. A chap walks into a doctor's surgery, and he says, Doctor.

Quite a wise remark to open with, I thought.

He didn't say lawyer or quantity surveyor. He said, Doctor.

He said, I feel depressed, run down, weary, ill at ease, and I can't wake up

the morning because I don't get to sleep at night.

And the doctor just laughed.

I wish he was here tonight.

He began to take a series of blood tests. Well, he took so many blood tests

I think he must have been keeping an anemic friend.

He said, well, Mr. Barker, what you need is... Well, Mr. Barker, what

you need is lots of fresh air. Get in your car on Sunday morning, out in the

country for a nice run. The man said, I'm sorry, I haven't got a car.

He said, can I have one on the National Health? Oh, no, he said, I'm afraid not.

He said, what about a bike? He said, I've always wanted... No, he said, I

give you a bike on the National Health. I'll tell you what I can do. So the

doctor left the room and came back with a big hoop.

A kiddie's hoop with a stick, you see.

Well, the chap said, that's lovely, I like that.

How does it work?

He wasn't all that bright, poor self.

So the doctor got out the handbook and showed him, you see.

Next Sunday it was a bit bright, so he went out for a little run, you see, with

his hoop.

country lanes, a little hoop, past a couple of pubs, and he saw one he really

liked that had a notice outside saying, Coaches and Hoops Welcome.

He went in the car park, parked his hoop, went in the pub, had a couple of

halves, came out, hoop had gone.

Somebody's thrown his hoop.

Well, he went back into the pub, he said, Well, I know a terrible thing

to me. You know, I've gone and parked my hoop in your car park.

And who, Pop?

And he said, come on, somebody's stolen it. Oh, the landlord said, I shouldn't

worry about that. We know the police round about here. We'll get it back in

or three days. He said, two or three days? He said, how am I going to get

tonight?

Good morning. Good morning, Reverend.

Nervous? I am a little, yes.

I've had the hiccups all morning.

There is absolutely no need to be, because although it is a very solemn

occasion, nevertheless, it is a joyful service and a happy time for all.

Yes. You must forgive me if I sound a little nasal.

Oh, we've all got colds.

Mother's wheezing away there, you know.

Something on her chest. It must be going around, really. Yes, actually, mine is

hay fever. I always get it at Harvest Festival time.

It's all the flowers.

Yes. Letitia gets that. Letitia?

Letitia, my intended.

Oh, the bride, yes.

I was going to say my wife, but that's not until tonight, is it?

I mean, you know, not until after the service, I mean. Yes.

Not straight after the service, I hope.

No, no, no.

Anyway, she's had it for a week.

What? The hay fever, I mean. Oh, quite, quite.

Here she comes.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the face of this congregation to join

together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is an honorable

estate, and therefore not to be taken in hand inadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly,

but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, and soberly, duly considering the causes

for which matrimony was ordained.

Therefore, if any

man can...

If any man can show any... any just cause why they may...

may not be joined together, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Harold Frederick, wilt thou take this woman to thy lawful wedded wife?

Wilt thou love her?

Comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health.

As long as she both shall live.

I will.

Leticia.

Leticia.

Letitia Muriel, wilt thou have this man to thy wedded husband?

Wilt thou love honour him, keeping him in sickness and in...

and forsaking all others, keep ye only unto him as long as ye both shall live?

I will.

Who giveth this woman?

To be married to this man.

I,

Harold Frederick.

I, Harold Frederick.

I.

I, Harold Frederick.

Take thee, Lafisher.

To my wedded wife.

To my wedded wife. To have and to hold from this day forward.

For better, for worse, for the rest of my life.

As long as you both shall live, I'm happy.

For as much as Harold Frederick and Rafael Muriel have consented together,

the giving and receiving of a ring, I pronounce that bid they be man and

Kiss the bride.

Kiss the bride, please. Come on, Harold.

I'm sorry I had to hurry it up, but it's the hay. If you haven't completed the

ceremony, we're not properly married.

You'll have to come back next month and finish it off. But what about the

honeymoon? Oh, I should go ahead with that. At least it'll cure your hiccup.

That's all. That's all for this week. Next week, we'll consider the influx of

sewing machines into number ten.

Is it curtains for Mr. Heath?

Later tonight, you can see Arthur Negus in Going for a Song. A panel of experts

will discuss his real value.

And we've just heard that due to the electrician strike, Oak Alcutta is to be

renamed Fanny by Gaslight.

So, it's goodnight from me.

And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight. Goodnight.

Goodnight.