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00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:29,160
Good evening. It's good to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? It's very nice.

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00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:34,380
We had hoped to start by interviewing
the world's oldest man, but

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00:00:34,380 --> 00:00:37,600
he's had to cry off due to the
unexpected illness of his father.

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00:00:39,420 --> 00:00:44,400
So here instead is the news. Mr. Harold
Wilson's booklet, entitled How I Solved

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00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:47,560
the Economic Crisis, was published
today, priced £346.

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00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:54,080
The whole Liberal Party has refused to
fill in their census forms.

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00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,900
And they're now in two cells at
Pentonville Prison.

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00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:04,800
And now, the major issues of the week. A
man in Shepherd's Bush who ate a

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00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,460
hundredweight of sage and onion was
admitted to hospital this morning.

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00:01:07,660 --> 00:01:09,880
He is said to be as well -stuffed as can
be expected.

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So... So much for the major issues of
the week.

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00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:23,700
Reports... Reports are coming in of a
big jewel raid said to have been

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by Sooty.

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00:01:25,980 --> 00:01:28,460
Harry Corbett is believed to have had a
hand in it.

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00:01:31,260 --> 00:01:32,079
Downing Street.

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00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:35,480
Mr Edward Heath had a meeting with the
Cabinet today. He also spoke to the

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00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:36,480
bookcase and the chest of drawers.

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00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:45,520
And now, sport.

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00:01:46,220 --> 00:01:51,140
In the world short -sighted table tennis
championships, Mr and Mrs Harold

20
00:01:51,140 --> 00:01:53,640
Johnson of Droitwich won the women's
doubles.

21
00:01:57,900 --> 00:02:02,840
And Fulham Football Club, worried by
failing attendances, have just paid £80

22
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:04,780
,000 for three spectators from
Liverpool.

23
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:10,360
And news is just coming in of the
Elephant Grand National at Aintree.

24
00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:14,940
Unfortunately, the British Hope, Lassie,
got jammed in the starting gate, but

25
00:02:14,940 --> 00:02:18,840
still sportingly finished the course and
came fourth. The starting gate came

26
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:19,840
fifth.

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A butterfly, entered by the Duke of
Norfolk, fell at the first four fences.

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00:02:27,340 --> 00:02:30,780
Six elephants fell at the ninth fence,
and four elephants fell at the sixth

29
00:02:30,780 --> 00:02:31,780
elephant.

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00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:38,900
At the end, 17 jockeys contested the
finish, but were disqualified as they

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00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:39,900
all in the same elephant.

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And the result, first, was voodoo by
hoodoo out of youdo.

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Second, mumbo -jumbo by jumbo out of
mumbo.

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And third, fluke by dachshund out of all
proportions.

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00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:59,770
Now, it's time once again to have a look
at the state of the party.

36
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,940
Wonderful party, isn't it? Yes, isn't
it?

37
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Very colourful.

38
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,560
Oh, there.

39
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:48,920
Have a guess.

40
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:54,180
What? Have a guess who I am, you know.
Have a guess.

41
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:56,800
Edward Heath?

42
00:03:58,180 --> 00:03:59,440
No, seriously.

43
00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:02,100
The Oranges. Begins with N. Begins with
N. Oranges.

44
00:04:03,060 --> 00:04:04,240
Norman St. John Stevens.

45
00:04:05,220 --> 00:04:07,960
How many oranges, Nell? Oh, Nelson.

46
00:04:09,940 --> 00:04:11,200
Nell Gwynn.

47
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:12,760
Yeah.

48
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:17,640
It's good, isn't it?

49
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,399
Who are you as?

50
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,040
Richard the Lionheart.

51
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:29,100
Richard the Lionheart.

52
00:04:30,820 --> 00:04:32,580
Oh, yes, that's very good.

53
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:40,240
Didn't Richard the Lionheart wear armour
and... No, not always. No, not always.

54
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,080
When he wanted to relax, he just wore a
lion suit.

55
00:04:46,580 --> 00:04:49,200
I didn't know that. Will the judges know
that?

56
00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:51,040
Well, I'm not really interested in
winning.

57
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I just like the fun of dressing up.

58
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There's some very good prizes, you know.
Yeah, there's nothing I really want,

59
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though. I've already got an oven -ready
turkey at home.

60
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And a bottle of champagne.

61
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,500
Do you think I ought to have worn a
suit?

62
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,200
No, no, I think you look very nice in
that dress.

63
00:05:20,780 --> 00:05:22,420
The oranges are too much, aren't they?

64
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:23,640
Well, they certainly are.

65
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Certainly make the point.

66
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:28,320
No, I mean, there are two... There are
too many oranges, aren't there, Ed?

67
00:05:28,540 --> 00:05:31,440
Well... No, there are too many oranges.
Be honest, there are too many oranges.

68
00:05:31,820 --> 00:05:33,680
Neil Gwynne is associated with oranges.

69
00:05:33,940 --> 00:05:36,600
Yes, but I didn't need to come done up
like a bloody greengrocer.

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It was the wife's idea, really. She did
it, you know. She said, oh, I'll take

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them all off. I mean, I knew it was
wrong, really, when they were on. You

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I knew. I had the sense.

73
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I knew it was totally wrong, you know.
Totally wrong.

74
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:50,640
There we are.

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00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:55,580
There we are. Nell Gwynne without the
oranges. Yes, that's much better, yes.

76
00:05:55,580 --> 00:05:57,660
is. It's much more subtle, isn't it?
Yes, it is, yes.

77
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:06,780
The dress is wrong, isn't it?

78
00:06:08,980 --> 00:06:10,560
No, no, I think the dress is fine.
Excellent.

79
00:06:10,860 --> 00:06:14,900
No, but it's so sort of blatant and
conspicuous and obvious in a cheap way.

80
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mean, that is so subtle, you know.

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00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:22,540
The world of Richard the Lionheart
captured in a lounge suit.

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00:06:23,060 --> 00:06:28,400
Richard the Lionheart relaxes after the
crusade in a lounge suit. See what is

83
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:32,580
all wrong? It's so nasty and cheap and
tasteless. I knew it was, really.

84
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:51,440
I feel so much better. Thank you very
much for your help. Not at all.

85
00:06:57,580 --> 00:07:00,580
I told him I was Richard the Lionheart.

86
00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:05,080
Who are you?

87
00:07:05,660 --> 00:07:07,080
What do you mean, who am I?

88
00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:08,720
I'm the Beverly Sisters.

89
00:07:33,610 --> 00:07:34,610
Jesus.

90
00:10:22,730 --> 00:10:25,930
tonight, see, so they got me over from
the cafe opposite. Right, now then,

91
00:10:26,030 --> 00:10:28,550
tonight it's bourguignon et le pouf
cilibre.

92
00:10:29,970 --> 00:10:33,210
All you need, all you need for that is
some cooking gin and some bloody

93
00:10:33,210 --> 00:10:34,210
ingredients, you see.

94
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:36,430
Now, what's this? Is this cooking gin
here?

95
00:10:38,910 --> 00:10:42,470
No, that's paraffin.

96
00:10:45,150 --> 00:10:46,690
This must be the gin here, then.

97
00:10:48,910 --> 00:10:53,240
Yeah, that's the gin. Yeah, I think
paraffin if it'd be better, eh?

98
00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:58,860
Now, this dish, you see, this dish is
suitable for a smart dinner party, like

99
00:10:58,860 --> 00:11:03,520
you've got some smart bird like Lady
Antonia Fraser, you know, over for nosh,

100
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and you're like, you know, what you like
trying to, you know, pull up, you know.

101
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First of all, first of all, I recommend
the patty.

102
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Now, see, there's a patty, look.

103
00:11:23,470 --> 00:11:27,190
Well, you see, because he's stuck in the
car for the rest of the evening, you

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00:11:27,190 --> 00:11:28,370
know. Oh,

105
00:11:29,290 --> 00:11:33,210
dear. The cleaner will get rid of him in
the morning. Right, now, second course,

106
00:11:33,270 --> 00:11:35,710
second course. You get your cheese
souffle here.

107
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Oh, God.

108
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Where's me bloody hanky? Oh, this is it.

109
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Right, I usually serve this with a smart
muskadet or a brown ale.

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00:12:00,940 --> 00:12:01,739
this, see?

111
00:12:01,740 --> 00:12:03,560
Stick that straight in the oven and
you've got meat.

112
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Oh! Oh, God.

113
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,320
Bleeding North Sea gas. No, no.

114
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For your main course, if you want to
play the perfect host, you know, sort

115
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you know, get her at it. Like, you want
the... See, bundle of meat there.

116
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Like that, see? Now, I usually get the
end of week because it's been hanging

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about a bit and it's a bit cheaper.

118
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Right, now, you chuck in the puff pastry
over here like this, see?

119
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Then you add some cooked in gin like
that. Chuck that in there.

120
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Have a drop.

121
00:12:32,089 --> 00:12:38,970
No, it's the paraffin again. There you
want the chopped parsley. It's no

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00:12:38,970 --> 00:12:41,930
good without the chopped parsley. Now,
where did I see that chopped... Oh,

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chopped parsley.

124
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That's right, it's in here.

125
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Oh,

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00:12:47,970 --> 00:12:48,809
here, here, here.

127
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:49,810
It's all wet in here.

128
00:12:51,510 --> 00:12:52,730
Oh, kill that bloody cat.

129
00:13:01,390 --> 00:13:03,850
herbs, you see. Where's the herbs? Can I
have the herbs, please, dear?

130
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That's it.

131
00:13:05,270 --> 00:13:08,110
There's the herbs, you see. A bit of
sage, thyme, and a little touch of

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00:13:08,110 --> 00:13:09,650
rosemary. Woo! Thank you, Rosemary.

133
00:13:10,130 --> 00:13:13,430
Dear old Rosemary. She's a good shot.
Right, now, put those over there.

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00:13:13,890 --> 00:13:16,770
Chuck them all down there. Now, you've
got to, of course, always remember to

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00:13:16,770 --> 00:13:20,310
keep the board clean at all times, like
this, because you've got to be hygiene

136
00:13:20,310 --> 00:13:22,950
it. Right, now, you chop those up a bit
there, like that, see?

137
00:13:23,310 --> 00:13:24,390
Chop them all up like that.

138
00:13:27,410 --> 00:13:29,450
Look at that. Prep the seats now, you
know, these.

139
00:13:29,710 --> 00:13:31,640
Now, right, I'll put that chuck down
here, anyway.

140
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:36,100
They'll all be so plastered, they won't
know. Right, darling, where are we now?

141
00:13:36,140 --> 00:13:39,720
Some people, of course, use a liquidiser
when mixing this up like this, you see.

142
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:44,620
I don't always mix in misers or
liquidisers, I should say, because I

143
00:13:44,620 --> 00:13:47,700
once, once. I only use once, once. Use
once, once, once.

144
00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:54,680
Use once. I only... I only use one
liquidiser once, yeah. Liquidise my

145
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:55,680
finger. Look at that, see?

146
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,220
Like a liquid tomato soup, nobody
noticed.

147
00:13:58,440 --> 00:13:59,960
Anyway, you...

148
00:14:00,770 --> 00:14:04,090
Right, you bung all this in the oven,
you see. Bung it all in the oven and

149
00:14:04,090 --> 00:14:05,029
it cooking.

150
00:14:05,030 --> 00:14:06,030
Move over, that's it.

151
00:14:07,870 --> 00:14:11,630
If you've just got time now to sweep out
under the table, scrape the congealed

152
00:14:11,630 --> 00:14:14,190
bits off the top of the sauce bottles
and it'll be ready.

153
00:14:15,870 --> 00:14:18,650
It'll come out looking like this. There
you are. Isn't that beautiful?

154
00:14:18,930 --> 00:14:19,930
Look at that now.

155
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:28,170
He'll be dealing with Tornadus Rossini
avid champions.

156
00:14:28,470 --> 00:14:31,370
If he's not, I'll be showing you how to
liven up your rizzles, eh?

157
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:05,900
You will remember, dear reader, how I
relinquished the tinsel and glitter of

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00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:11,500
London stage, forgoing a promising
career as an actress, in order to go and

159
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:13,520
to relieve the suffering soldiers in the
Crimea.

160
00:15:15,380 --> 00:15:20,880
The medical officer in charge of the
base hospital was Captain Featherstone,

161
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,640
it was under him that I was to perform
my various duties.

162
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:29,120
And we both devoted all our energy to
the task.

163
00:15:40,579 --> 00:15:41,579
No,

164
00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:43,700
not since my last leave in London, no.

165
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:48,300
Honestly, I'm surprised the whole
hospital isn't swarming with rats. There

166
00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:50,940
rats here once, but they left. Couldn't
stand the state of the place.

167
00:15:52,340 --> 00:15:54,440
Talking about rats, isn't it time for
our evening meal?

168
00:15:54,860 --> 00:15:58,500
Well, I've detailed Corporal Clark to
cook it tonight while I concentrate on

169
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:01,920
cleaning. I think I'm probably more of a
scrubber than he is.

170
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:05,480
Possibly, yes, possibly.

171
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,640
God, it's quiet here, isn't it?

172
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:11,040
It is indeed somewhat more peaceful,
yes.

173
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,800
I didn't mean that. I meant up at the
front. Why aren't we having any wounded

174
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,140
brought back? Why no gunfire?

175
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:19,180
Mark my words, nurse, the enemy are
preparing to launch a full -scale

176
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,420
God, how I hate the quiet, the calm
before the storm.

177
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:24,280
God, how I hate the quiet.

178
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,520
Can't you be less quiet, you
gobbledygook?

179
00:16:27,980 --> 00:16:28,980
Sir!

180
00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:33,420
What is it, Corbel? I've just been up
the front line, sir. The colonel asked

181
00:16:33,420 --> 00:16:34,339
to give you a message.

182
00:16:34,340 --> 00:16:36,760
What did I tell you? It's all very quiet
up there, sir.

183
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,860
Yes. I thought you were supposed to be
cooking supper.

184
00:16:40,180 --> 00:16:41,180
Oh, that's all done, sir.

185
00:16:41,380 --> 00:16:42,600
Oh, good. Tell us the worst.

186
00:16:43,340 --> 00:16:44,860
Dumpling and rice puddings again, sir.

187
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:46,940
Yeah, the message, you idiot.

188
00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:49,340
Oh, the message, you idiot. Oh, yes,
sir.

189
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:54,680
The colonel asked me to tell you to be
prepared to receive wounded at any time,

190
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:58,000
sir. What? You mean the enemy are
preparing to launch a full -scale

191
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,300
No, sir. He reckons it's too damn quiet.

192
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,340
Oh, well, thank you very much, corporal.
Nurse, you better...

193
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,540
Check up on the medical supplies,
particularly the bandages. We may

194
00:17:06,540 --> 00:17:08,099
a lot of bleeding men on our hands.

195
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:10,119
Oh, I'd better get a lot more bleeding
food ready, then.

196
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,640
All right, Corporal, you can carry on
with your work. Thank you, sir.

197
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:14,960
No,

198
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,420
goodness, I can't sit here doing
nothing.

199
00:17:24,859 --> 00:17:28,000
It's driving me mad. I'm going off to
the trenches. Will you tell Corporal

200
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,120
to send my supper up there?

201
00:17:29,540 --> 00:17:32,220
Do you think you should? Is it not
frightfully dangerous?

202
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:33,600
Yes.

203
00:17:33,870 --> 00:17:37,510
Rightfully dangerous, of course it is.
Last time I was up there, I tripped over

204
00:17:37,510 --> 00:17:42,390
some barbed wire and grazed my leg right
up here, you know. I can't sit here

205
00:17:42,390 --> 00:17:44,570
doing nothing. I must do something. It's
driving me mad.

206
00:17:44,770 --> 00:17:47,550
No food, this eternal filth. No medical
supplies.

207
00:17:47,950 --> 00:17:48,769
No rest.

208
00:17:48,770 --> 00:17:49,770
Day in, day out.

209
00:17:49,950 --> 00:17:51,710
Nothing but blood and dying men.

210
00:17:51,970 --> 00:17:53,230
Blood and dying men.

211
00:17:53,450 --> 00:17:55,790
How much longer do we expect me to stick
it?

212
00:17:56,150 --> 00:17:58,710
How long have you been out here? Since
Tuesday.

213
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,640
into this accursed mud?

214
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,000
That's custard, sir.

215
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,980
Custard? I don't get a hold of custard.

216
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:26,520
Well, it's not real custard, sir. It's
cornflour with a drop of iodine put in

217
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:27,520
it, sir. Oh.

218
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,440
Well, at least it's antiseptical, isn't
it, sir? Yeah.

219
00:18:31,180 --> 00:18:34,340
No, I don't think I... I don't think I
can eat. No, you know, I really don't

220
00:18:34,340 --> 00:18:36,200
think I can. Why don't they attack?

221
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,520
This waiting's driving me mad. This
eternal waiting.

222
00:18:40,060 --> 00:18:41,060
I'm used to it, sir.

223
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:44,060
Oh? Yeah, I used to be a waiter. Will
there be coffee to follow, sir?

224
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:45,759
No, sir.

225
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,440
Have a seat. Have a seat, will you? I
want to talk to someone.

226
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,480
Wouldn't you rather have Nurse Beckett,
sir?

227
00:18:50,860 --> 00:18:52,100
No, I just want to talk.

228
00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:53,300
Oh, all right.

229
00:18:54,660 --> 00:18:57,520
There we are, sir. Make yourself sort of
comfy.

230
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:02,040
What sort of... What sort of childhood
did you have, Clark?

231
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:03,540
Oh, pretty rough, sir.

232
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:04,900
There were seven of us.

233
00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:07,200
Really? There were 43 of us.

234
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:09,160
43, sir?

235
00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:11,700
Yes, I was brought up in an orphanage.
Ah.

236
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,140
Scarcely knew my mother at all.

237
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,040
Come to think of it, my father didn't
know her awfully well, either.

238
00:19:17,980 --> 00:19:19,500
Oh, an orphanage, I suppose. Yes.

239
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:23,540
That's when I first decided I was going
to be a leader of men.

240
00:19:24,260 --> 00:19:26,220
I was quite tall for a boy of eight.

241
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:29,500
I still am.

242
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:35,180
I formed a little army of chaps, and we
had hats made out of folded newspapers

243
00:19:35,180 --> 00:19:37,140
and little tin swords.

244
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:40,600
Oh, I bet you had some fun, didn't you,
sir? Well, not really.

245
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:45,160
Head of the orphanage. Put a stop to it
all. Oh, why, sir? Well, we killed the

246
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,060
matron and the governor's got to find
out about it.

247
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:49,920
Oh, dear. What did they do to you, sir?

248
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:51,480
Recommended me for scientist.

249
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:53,160
And here I am.

250
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:56,660
Yes, I... I know. I know all about war,
Clark.

251
00:19:57,380 --> 00:19:58,380
What about you?

252
00:19:59,780 --> 00:20:01,480
War gives me indigestion, sir.

253
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:05,020
Really? Yeah, I'm all right at home. You
know, I can eat anything.

254
00:20:05,300 --> 00:20:09,140
Even back at the base camp, it's not so
bad. But as soon as I get in the front

255
00:20:09,140 --> 00:20:10,500
line, it all comes on again.

256
00:20:13,130 --> 00:20:14,210
It started, sir.

257
00:20:15,730 --> 00:20:20,130
Oh, sorry, I thought that was gunfire.
Well, I think you ought to be... These

258
00:20:20,130 --> 00:20:24,190
two tablets every four hours... Oh, no,
it was gunfire, sir. It's going on now,

259
00:20:24,270 --> 00:20:25,269
sir. You're right.

260
00:20:25,270 --> 00:20:27,030
The enemy are launching a full -scale
attack.

261
00:20:27,270 --> 00:20:30,110
This is it. We must get back to base
hospital, Clark.

262
00:20:30,310 --> 00:20:32,610
This could be a pretty messy business.

263
00:20:43,130 --> 00:20:44,230
The attack had begun.

264
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:49,430
We all worked tirelessly, but were
sorely hampered by our lack of medical

265
00:20:49,430 --> 00:20:50,430
supplies.

266
00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:54,070
Every available piece of linen was
needed for bandages.

267
00:20:55,370 --> 00:20:59,810
Never before had a woman's petticoat
been removed to such a good end.

268
00:21:09,490 --> 00:21:11,610
Here, nurse, what's happened to your
clothes?

269
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:13,560
We're using them for bandages.

270
00:21:14,580 --> 00:21:15,780
How are things at the front?

271
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:17,140
Oh, very nice, miss.

272
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:26,880
All ship -shaped and Bristol fashion? I
was referring to the battle, corporal.

273
00:21:26,900 --> 00:21:29,080
Oh, I was a lot more wounded on the way,
I'm afraid, miss.

274
00:21:30,660 --> 00:21:32,180
And so it went on.

275
00:21:33,020 --> 00:21:38,400
But I must say, although many of them
were badly wounded, the men remained in

276
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:39,420
remarkably good condition.

277
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:46,070
It was heartwarming to feel that my
contributions to their increased well

278
00:21:46,070 --> 00:21:52,930
appeared to be appreciated for the
supreme test of my patriotism soon to

279
00:21:54,590 --> 00:22:01,230
Nurse, I'm afraid I shall still need one
more head bandage.

280
00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:05,890
Oh, dear. I know how you feel, but try
to remember that a man's life is at

281
00:22:05,890 --> 00:22:08,710
stake. Very well. If I must, I must.

282
00:22:09,010 --> 00:22:10,130
I can assure you.

283
00:22:10,490 --> 00:22:11,650
that it won't go unnoticed.

284
00:22:15,430 --> 00:22:22,030
The war

285
00:22:22,030 --> 00:22:28,790
continued for day

286
00:22:28,790 --> 00:22:30,130
after weary day.

287
00:22:30,570 --> 00:22:35,690
Still more wounded came pouring in, and
conditions became worse and worse,

288
00:22:35,870 --> 00:22:39,790
despite the occasional influx of
supplies from behind the lines.

289
00:22:43,150 --> 00:22:44,290
I've come to help.

290
00:22:45,450 --> 00:22:46,389
Oh, good.

291
00:22:46,390 --> 00:22:47,390
Over here, dear.

292
00:22:47,510 --> 00:22:54,270
At last, the inevitable happened.

293
00:22:54,870 --> 00:22:56,210
We were forced to evacuate.

294
00:22:56,950 --> 00:22:59,910
I was to be relieved of my post and
return to Europe.

295
00:23:00,210 --> 00:23:04,350
And I must admit, dear reader, that it
was with some relief that I took my

296
00:23:04,350 --> 00:23:06,250
of Captain Featherstone and Corporal
Clark.

297
00:23:06,770 --> 00:23:08,050
Well, goodbye, Henrietta.

298
00:23:08,490 --> 00:23:11,350
I shall always remember the things you
had to bear for England.

299
00:23:12,050 --> 00:23:15,050
You helped me to bear them, dear Captain
Featherstone.

300
00:23:15,890 --> 00:23:17,510
Goodbye, Corporal. Goodbye, Miss.

301
00:23:18,030 --> 00:23:19,030
Good luck with the journey.

302
00:23:19,330 --> 00:23:20,330
Thank you.

303
00:23:23,310 --> 00:23:27,130
I hope she gets that train that goes
through Rome. I only hope she makes it.

304
00:23:27,710 --> 00:23:31,190
I'd hate to spend the rest of my life
thinking of her left behind.

305
00:23:31,610 --> 00:23:32,610
Oh.

306
00:23:33,450 --> 00:23:36,210
I rather liked it, sir.

307
00:23:38,350 --> 00:23:42,450
The money that Captain Featherstone had
kindly loaned me was quickly enough by

308
00:23:42,450 --> 00:23:48,090
train fare, and although I ate
besparingly, I very soon found myself

309
00:23:48,090 --> 00:23:49,090
and hungry.

310
00:23:50,430 --> 00:23:55,030
I had determined to reach dear old
England once more, but with only a few

311
00:23:55,030 --> 00:24:00,330
miles to travel, found myself stranded
because of lack of funds in that most

312
00:24:00,330 --> 00:24:04,110
beautiful of cities, standing as it does
upon the River Thane.

313
00:24:05,350 --> 00:24:06,370
Yes, dear reader.

314
00:24:07,020 --> 00:24:08,080
You have guessed it.

315
00:24:09,380 --> 00:24:12,840
Paris, but once again, fortune was on my
side.

316
00:24:13,540 --> 00:24:19,060
As I sat drinking my last cup of coffee
in a little cafe on the left bank, fate

317
00:24:19,060 --> 00:24:21,280
once again laid its hand upon my
shoulder.

318
00:24:23,380 --> 00:24:24,380
Bonjour, Pierre.

319
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:26,160
Bonjour, monsieur.

320
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:29,680
Bonjour, mademoiselle.

321
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:19,120
Trees have left the countryside, have
dotted on the ground.

322
00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:26,900
The birds all sing a different song, the
low and the

323
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:28,560
lonesome sound.

324
00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:33,100
The low and the lonesome sound.

325
00:25:43,660 --> 00:25:50,080
so long Delia Delia

326
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:57,020
everything I had is home if we could

327
00:25:57,020 --> 00:26:02,960
count the falling stars as we had done
before

328
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:09,000
or share the sound of summer rain

329
00:26:31,340 --> 00:26:37,680
Who can tell what Gilead called, why she
went away?

330
00:26:39,300 --> 00:26:45,900
Or if she always knew that she would
break my heart

331
00:26:45,900 --> 00:26:47,060
one day.

332
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,660
Would break my heart one day.

333
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:37,080
Thank you, New World.

334
00:27:37,340 --> 00:27:42,660
If I do seem a bit nervous tonight, it's
because, you know, I'm in a bit of a

335
00:27:42,660 --> 00:27:45,380
quandary, as a matter of fact, something
of a quandary. I mean, I'm not very

336
00:27:45,380 --> 00:27:49,320
nervous. Don't wait until you think I'm
very, very nervous. You know, if I'm

337
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:53,800
ever really worried during a show, I
mean, I do what I always do. Keep very

338
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:55,340
and lock myself in the toilet.

339
00:27:56,920 --> 00:28:00,400
I mean, I'm just a little bit nervous.
You know, you can always tell when I'm a

340
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:04,640
little bit nervous. You know, that
finger twitches like that. You know.

341
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,140
They damaged a nerve when I had my
tonsils out.

342
00:28:07,540 --> 00:28:14,000
And you may think that's a little bit
strange, but when you're my size, your

343
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,720
tonsils are much nearer the end of your
arms than most people.

344
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:21,820
And sometimes, I mean, sometimes it
becomes quite uncontrollable, you know.

345
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,980
Points at people I don't know, you know.

346
00:28:24,300 --> 00:28:25,860
I mean, look at it now, look.

347
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:30,640
Look at it now. I mean, you're standing
in the corner of a busy street and it

348
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:31,640
starts that.

349
00:28:33,220 --> 00:28:35,720
Perfect strangers come up and whisper,
what do you want? What do you want?

350
00:28:36,620 --> 00:28:38,280
Oh, it leads to life all of its own, you
know.

351
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:40,280
This finger leads to life all of its
own.

352
00:28:40,540 --> 00:28:42,760
One morning I woke up and it was halfway
up my nose.

353
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:49,880
God knows where it gets to when I'm not
looking.

354
00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:55,800
Funny way to get in touch with anyone.

355
00:28:56,060 --> 00:29:01,860
Anyway, that is incidental. What is
worrying me is that I was going to

356
00:29:01,930 --> 00:29:05,870
Some jokes about doctors and
psychiatrists, you know. And I tried a

357
00:29:05,870 --> 00:29:09,810
rehearsal, and the crew here and the
cameramen, well, you know, well, they're

358
00:29:09,810 --> 00:29:10,810
miserable lot anyway.

359
00:29:11,410 --> 00:29:15,510
And then the producer came over. I
didn't know he was the producer. I mean,

360
00:29:15,510 --> 00:29:19,130
had noticed him around at rehearsals,
but I thought he was looking after the

361
00:29:19,130 --> 00:29:20,130
coats.

362
00:29:21,010 --> 00:29:23,270
Many a couple of bobbies had off me, I
can tell you.

363
00:29:24,130 --> 00:29:26,930
Very nice, he said, Ron, very nice, very
funny.

364
00:29:27,260 --> 00:29:29,960
Take no notice of this miserable shower.
He said, it'll be great in the night.

365
00:29:30,020 --> 00:29:34,040
Just try not to mention the word doctor,
you see. Okay, lovey?

366
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:37,700
Don't mention the word doctor. Well, can
you do doctor jokes without mentioning

367
00:29:37,700 --> 00:29:40,220
doctors? I don't know. I could try one,
I suppose.

368
00:29:40,780 --> 00:29:45,320
A young lady went in to see a quantity
surveyor.

369
00:29:46,420 --> 00:29:48,060
He said to her, take your clothes off.

370
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:50,820
She said, where shall I put them? He
said, over there on top of mine.

371
00:29:51,340 --> 00:29:56,690
Well, you see... Sorry, it's... You
know, it's not funny anymore, is it?

372
00:29:57,930 --> 00:30:00,190
It wasn't all that hysterical in the
first place.

373
00:30:01,190 --> 00:30:04,910
It was a bit funny because you don't
expect a dirty, suggestive remark from a

374
00:30:04,910 --> 00:30:07,430
doctor. But, I mean, we all know about
quantity surveys.

375
00:30:09,110 --> 00:30:12,950
I mean, it's getting, you know, so bad
about the streets that you can't walk in

376
00:30:12,950 --> 00:30:15,070
the streets at night without getting
your quantity surveyed.

377
00:30:16,430 --> 00:30:18,310
In my case, it's not a very long job.

378
00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:24,500
They can't say I didn't give it a try.
Anyway, a chap walks into a doctor's

379
00:30:24,500 --> 00:30:27,220
surgery. I mean, I don't care if they do
have the Luton Girls Choir on this

380
00:30:27,220 --> 00:30:31,020
chair next week. A chap walks into a
doctor's surgery, and he says, Doctor.

381
00:30:31,900 --> 00:30:33,820
Quite a wise remark to open with, I
thought.

382
00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:38,140
He didn't say lawyer or quantity
surveyor. He said, Doctor.

383
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:43,760
He said, I feel depressed, run down,
weary, ill at ease, and I can't wake up

384
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:45,580
the morning because I don't get to sleep
at night.

385
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:50,120
And the doctor just laughed.

386
00:30:51,100 --> 00:30:52,220
I wish he was here tonight.

387
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:59,860
He began to take a series of blood
tests. Well, he took so many blood tests

388
00:30:59,860 --> 00:31:01,420
I think he must have been keeping an
anemic friend.

389
00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:09,680
He said, well, Mr. Barker, what you need
is... Well, Mr. Barker, what

390
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:13,080
you need is lots of fresh air. Get in
your car on Sunday morning, out in the

391
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:15,200
country for a nice run. The man said,
I'm sorry, I haven't got a car.

392
00:31:15,550 --> 00:31:18,150
He said, can I have one on the National
Health? Oh, no, he said, I'm afraid not.

393
00:31:18,550 --> 00:31:21,290
He said, what about a bike? He said,
I've always wanted... No, he said, I

394
00:31:21,290 --> 00:31:23,810
give you a bike on the National Health.
I'll tell you what I can do. So the

395
00:31:23,810 --> 00:31:26,350
doctor left the room and came back with
a big hoop.

396
00:31:27,130 --> 00:31:28,910
A kiddie's hoop with a stick, you see.

397
00:31:29,310 --> 00:31:30,970
Well, the chap said, that's lovely, I
like that.

398
00:31:31,170 --> 00:31:32,170
How does it work?

399
00:31:32,790 --> 00:31:34,290
He wasn't all that bright, poor self.

400
00:31:35,230 --> 00:31:37,430
So the doctor got out the handbook and
showed him, you see.

401
00:31:39,810 --> 00:31:43,730
Next Sunday it was a bit bright, so he
went out for a little run, you see, with

402
00:31:43,730 --> 00:31:44,730
his hoop.

403
00:31:44,900 --> 00:31:48,460
country lanes, a little hoop, past a
couple of pubs, and he saw one he really

404
00:31:48,460 --> 00:31:51,000
liked that had a notice outside saying,
Coaches and Hoops Welcome.

405
00:31:52,700 --> 00:31:56,740
He went in the car park, parked his
hoop, went in the pub, had a couple of

406
00:31:56,740 --> 00:31:58,960
halves, came out, hoop had gone.

407
00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:00,560
Somebody's thrown his hoop.

408
00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:03,160
Well, he went back into the pub, he
said, Well, I know a terrible thing

409
00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:06,540
to me. You know, I've gone and parked my
hoop in your car park.

410
00:32:06,940 --> 00:32:07,940
And who, Pop?

411
00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:12,060
And he said, come on, somebody's stolen
it. Oh, the landlord said, I shouldn't

412
00:32:12,060 --> 00:32:14,580
worry about that. We know the police
round about here. We'll get it back in

413
00:32:14,580 --> 00:32:17,180
or three days. He said, two or three
days? He said, how am I going to get

414
00:32:17,180 --> 00:32:18,180
tonight?

415
00:37:50,540 --> 00:37:52,140
Good morning. Good morning, Reverend.

416
00:37:53,420 --> 00:37:55,560
Nervous? I am a little, yes.

417
00:37:56,860 --> 00:37:59,080
I've had the hiccups all morning.

418
00:37:59,820 --> 00:38:03,680
There is absolutely no need to be,
because although it is a very solemn

419
00:38:03,680 --> 00:38:08,660
occasion, nevertheless, it is a joyful
service and a happy time for all.

420
00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:11,980
Yes. You must forgive me if I sound a
little nasal.

421
00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:14,700
Oh, we've all got colds.

422
00:38:15,130 --> 00:38:16,770
Mother's wheezing away there, you know.

423
00:38:17,410 --> 00:38:21,190
Something on her chest. It must be going
around, really. Yes, actually, mine is

424
00:38:21,190 --> 00:38:24,870
hay fever. I always get it at Harvest
Festival time.

425
00:38:25,730 --> 00:38:26,730
It's all the flowers.

426
00:38:27,070 --> 00:38:29,310
Yes. Letitia gets that. Letitia?

427
00:38:29,690 --> 00:38:32,970
Letitia, my intended.

428
00:38:33,390 --> 00:38:34,470
Oh, the bride, yes.

429
00:38:34,870 --> 00:38:38,790
I was going to say my wife, but that's
not until tonight, is it?

430
00:38:39,310 --> 00:38:44,230
I mean, you know, not until after the
service, I mean. Yes.

431
00:38:44,890 --> 00:38:46,930
Not straight after the service, I hope.

432
00:38:48,510 --> 00:38:49,610
No, no, no.

433
00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:51,370
Anyway, she's had it for a week.

434
00:38:53,610 --> 00:38:57,550
What? The hay fever, I mean. Oh, quite,
quite.

435
00:38:59,010 --> 00:39:00,010
Here she comes.

436
00:39:20,750 --> 00:39:25,550
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in
the face of this congregation to join

437
00:39:25,550 --> 00:39:29,110
together this man and this woman in holy
matrimony, which is an honorable

438
00:39:29,110 --> 00:39:33,410
estate, and therefore not to be taken in
hand inadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly,

439
00:39:33,530 --> 00:39:38,290
but reverently, discreetly, advisedly,
and soberly, duly considering the causes

440
00:39:38,290 --> 00:39:40,330
for which matrimony was ordained.

441
00:39:41,450 --> 00:39:48,370
Therefore, if any

442
00:39:48,370 --> 00:39:49,370
man can...

443
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:57,560
If any man can show any... any just
cause why they may...

444
00:39:57,560 --> 00:40:04,240
may not be joined together, let him
speak now or forever hold his peace.

445
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:16,280
Harold Frederick, wilt thou take this
woman to thy lawful wedded wife?

446
00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:18,460
Wilt thou love her?

447
00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:22,360
Comfort her, honor and keep her in
sickness and in health.

448
00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:25,980
As long as she both shall live.

449
00:40:26,500 --> 00:40:27,780
I will.

450
00:40:39,020 --> 00:40:40,020
Leticia.

451
00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:47,600
Leticia.

452
00:40:51,060 --> 00:40:56,960
Letitia Muriel, wilt thou have this man
to thy wedded husband?

453
00:41:02,300 --> 00:41:08,160
Wilt thou love honour him, keeping him
in sickness and in...

454
00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:14,140
and forsaking all others, keep ye only
unto him as long as ye both shall live?

455
00:41:14,560 --> 00:41:15,560
I will.

456
00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:19,980
Who giveth this woman?

457
00:41:20,590 --> 00:41:21,930
To be married to this man.

458
00:41:25,350 --> 00:41:26,350
I,

459
00:41:34,810 --> 00:41:36,650
Harold Frederick.

460
00:41:37,530 --> 00:41:39,010
I, Harold Frederick.

461
00:41:40,950 --> 00:41:41,950
I.

462
00:41:45,450 --> 00:41:47,330
I, Harold Frederick.

463
00:41:47,930 --> 00:41:49,390
Take thee, Lafisher.

464
00:41:52,460 --> 00:41:54,020
To my wedded wife.

465
00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:58,100
To my wedded wife. To have and to hold
from this day forward.

466
00:41:58,300 --> 00:42:00,200
For better, for worse, for the rest of
my life.

467
00:42:00,840 --> 00:42:03,240
As long as you both shall live, I'm
happy.

468
00:42:04,940 --> 00:42:10,100
For as much as Harold Frederick and
Rafael Muriel have consented together,

469
00:42:10,100 --> 00:42:14,120
the giving and receiving of a ring, I
pronounce that bid they be man and

470
00:42:16,980 --> 00:42:17,980
Kiss the bride.

471
00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:21,600
Kiss the bride, please. Come on, Harold.

472
00:42:25,279 --> 00:42:28,740
I'm sorry I had to hurry it up, but it's
the hay. If you haven't completed the

473
00:42:28,740 --> 00:42:30,040
ceremony, we're not properly married.

474
00:42:30,620 --> 00:42:34,680
You'll have to come back next month and
finish it off. But what about the

475
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:38,360
honeymoon? Oh, I should go ahead with
that. At least it'll cure your hiccup.

476
00:42:53,610 --> 00:42:57,950
That's all. That's all for this week.
Next week, we'll consider the influx of

477
00:42:57,950 --> 00:42:59,830
sewing machines into number ten.

478
00:43:00,250 --> 00:43:01,830
Is it curtains for Mr. Heath?

479
00:43:05,290 --> 00:43:09,270
Later tonight, you can see Arthur Negus
in Going for a Song. A panel of experts

480
00:43:09,270 --> 00:43:10,610
will discuss his real value.

481
00:43:12,310 --> 00:43:18,290
And we've just heard that due to the
electrician strike, Oak Alcutta is to be

482
00:43:18,290 --> 00:43:20,210
renamed Fanny by Gaslight.

483
00:43:29,359 --> 00:43:30,920
So, it's goodnight from me.

484
00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:33,380
And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.
Goodnight.

485
00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:34,640
Goodnight.