Original subtitles

Good evening. It's very nice to see you all again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, very

nice. We've got a packed show for you tonight. Yeah, I packed it myself.

The author of the Penguin Cookbook will be demonstrating a number of ways of

cooking penguins.

We shall consider loneliness with a special report from the Archbishop of

Golders Green.

And we shall be discussing government ministries. Are there too many? We'll be

hearing the views of the Minister of State and Kidney Pudding.

Percy Edwards was to have been on the program, but he was taken ill this

afternoon while rehearsing a bird impression.

A worm he was eating apparently disagreed with him.

And now a choice of viewing. You can watch with this eye or with this eye.

Now, here is the news.

Milk bottles were thrown at a meeting of the Milk Marketing Board today. And at

a meeting of the Egg Marketing Board was also broken up when eggs were thrown.

A mass meeting of the manure marketing board has been cancelled.

A leading London football team is to give away plastic models of petrol pump

attendants.

A man who ate scampi contaminated with mercury is suing the Alpha Bottle Scampi

Company for injuries.

He says that every time the temperature goes up, his head shoots up and hits the

ceiling.

The man who stole a valuable necklace at Manhattan Garden today was luckily seen

by four witnesses. They described him as a man with a snub nose and a pointed

beard, a man with a Roman nose and blue eyes, a man with a hooked nose, brown

eyes and one very high eyebrow, and a little old lady with a shopping basket.

Thanks to their description, the police issued this identikit picture.

A great triumph for English football tonight. We beat Hungary 2 -1 in the

half. after losing 8 -0 in the first half.

In the old Calcutta Cup for nude rugby, Barbarians versus the Luton Girls Choir,

there were three tries in the first half. Only two of them suggested.

And now we take a look at the state of the party.

glad you could come. Wonderful.

Oh, let me give you a drink. Oh, thanks so much. There you are. Ah, cheers.

Now, who do you know?

Oh, come across and meet Mr. Goldie. You're bound to have lots in common. But

for God's sake, don't mention baldness.

He's very sensitive about it. Why should I mention baldness? I'd hope I'd be a

bit more tactful than that, Shonda.

I mean, I'm not even remotely interested in baldness.

Well, just don't talk about it. I won't talk about it. John, this is Mr.

Goldie. Hello, Baldie. Uh, Goldie.

How do you do?

Yes, how do you do?

Well,

good heavens, you're the spitting image of our friend of mine. Really? Yes,

Curly Smithers.

Yes, well, I mean, that's a joke, of course. We call him Curly because he's

got the same brown eyes that

you haven't got either.

My eyes are bright. Yes, yes, exactly. Well, that's it. You see, you've both

exactly the same long eyelashes.

It's nature's way of compensating, I suppose.

Compensating? Compensating for what?

For your such a tiny nose.

Yes, yes, I mean, well, nothing wrong in that, is there? I mean, jolly

convenient. You get more mileage from a box of tissues for a start.

I've never been aware that my nose was particularly tiny.

Oh, no, it isn't. Oh, it isn't. No, no, it's only by comparison.

By comparison with what?

Uh... Well, with comparison, with the vast expanse of your ears.

But my ears aren't particularly big. No, no, but they're not hidden in any way,

are they? By your height.

Tell me, have you...

Have you been to any good films recently?

Oh, no, no, no. I never go to films. No, no, no. I prefer the cinema.

I prefer... I mean... No, the last film I saw was The King and I. Yes. You know,

you'll... You'll... You'll... You'll remember that film.

Arnold Brinner was in it. Arnold Brinner.

Now, he is a chap that you are like. Yes, you both definitely got the same

mouth. Yes, you're a dead ringer for him. Well, not him exactly, but the

chap in the film. Deborah Carr? Yes,

Deborah Carr.

Was that joke off the top of your head?

There was another lovely and wonderful film with it. Wonderful film all about

Indians on the warpath, you know, charging around with their tomahawks and

taking...

taking people's knick -knacks and life -savings and all whizzing back to their

wig, the wig, the wogwams.

Wogwams? Wogwams, yes. You know, the wogwams, the wog, the wams where the

live. You know, the, what are they called?

The tents, you know, what are they called? Toupets.

Toupets.

Toupets. Look, why don't we both stop beating about the bush and play it out

loud? I'm bald.

Oh, dear. Am I boring you? Oh, I'm sorry. I do bore people. Yes, I talk too

much, I'm afraid. Not bored, bald.

Yes, my language gets very bald, and to the point, yes, it does. Not your bloody

language, my bloody head.

I keep your hair on.

I'm bald, bald, bald.

You're embarrassing people.

Right, you're not bald.

I am bloody bald. No, you're not. You've got masses of hair, man. I mean,

veritable tresses of it. Well, it's coming out of your ears.

Good God, it's coming out of your nose as well. I mean, where else? What else

you want?

I want you to say it out loud and admit it. I am bald.

You may be thinning a little on top.

Yes, I mean, you may. I mean, well, we all are, aren't we? I mean, there's

Nixon.

Sterling Moss, I mean, Anita Harris, I mean, we're all receding, aren't we? But

grass doesn't grow on a busy street, you know.

And you know what they say?

Bald head, warm hands.

Bald and short. Good God, I think every time you come down to breakfast, your

wife hits you over the head with the egg spoon, doesn't she?

Don't stand around in billiard halls, will you? You'll get cannoned into the

pocket.

God, what am I saying?

Now, you two are obviously getting along far too well. Yes. John, meet Mr.

Carter. Oh, my God, you've got a big one, haven't you?

I didn't mean your nose, I mean... Now, you, uh...

They

call me good time, Charlie Well, Charlie's not my name But I'm gonna

have a good time Just the same

And if you think these teardrops are cause you said goodbye, you're wrong.

I just got summer in my eye.

I'm not crying.

Big boys don't cry.

I just got summer in my eye.

And it hurts a little bit.

I'm not crying.

I'll tell you.

I just got summer in my eyes

Well, babe, they say we live and learn And I guess that's saying it's true

I know I've learned an awful lot Just by loving you

And if you think you're leaving It's clouding up my sky

You're wrong I just got summer in my eyes

I just got summer in my eyes.

I think I'll read the funny papers and maybe climb a tree.

A lonesome and his funny friends have got a hold on me.

And if you see me crying the third week in July, you'll know

I just got summer.

I just got summer in my, well, I just got summer in my, I just got

summer.

My brief sojourn at Hampton Wick, the country house of old Sir Geoffrey

and his son Edward, had been brought to an abrupt end by the behaviour of the

old man.

And although Edward's love for me had been very evident, I had been forced to

break it off, which naturally caused him much pain.

But now I had arrived in the city, penniless and without lodging.

But as fate would have it, this was soon remedied.

A chance meeting with two honest labourers, Jim Soak and Arnold Nadger,

in them offering to share with me their humble accommodation at hotel, which was

not far distant.

And we had once repaired to the warmth and comfort of the three crutches in.

What did you say

your moniker was?

Name, darling, name.

Oh, Henrietta Beckett.

I shall call you Nancy.

But why, Mr. Stokes?

He calls everybody Nancy, that's why.

It's an habit with him. He calls me Nancy sometimes.

What do you say?

Well, I deny it, don't I?

Now, you carry on with your grub there.

Oi, Nancy.

Why don't you shut your head?

Lady's eating, can't she? Oh, my.

Nancy. Why don't you shut your head? Oh, shut your head.

Oh, take no notice, dear. He's moody. He's very moody, you know, very moody.

What are you good at, Nancy?

Oh. Oh, that's a nice question to ask a lady when she's got her mouth full.

My accomplishments are pitifully few, I'm afraid, but I have a little French.

A little French what?

Oh, God. Pray continue, dear, pray.

Well, I can play the piano 40, sing a little, and also perform reasonably well

on my bass oboe. Go on.

We'll set her up as a one -man band, will you?

Not all at once, claw -fed.

Would you say you had a certain softness of touch, my dear, regarding the Piano

14? Yes.

Many people have agreed that my fingers have a certain lightness. It's true.

Oh, light fingers, Jim, eh?

I think we could safely say we can find appropriate employment for the lady,

wouldn't you? Yeah, you mean... Why don't you shut your head?

And so it was.

Dear reader, that I discovered the true profession of my two hosts.

They were common thieves and pickpockets.

They proceeded to train me in their nefarious arts and informed me that

morning my aptitude would be put to the test.

It was after midnight when the lesson finally came to an end and I was allowed

to sink down onto one of the straw beds.

whereupon I fell almost immediately into a deep sleep.

You wait, Jim. You wait, Jim.

Just about.

How did you sleep?

Cozy, very cozy, me old darling.

What do you mean?

Why don't you shut your head? Come on, I must wake up. I'll sleep in beauty.

I've got to get down to a graft in this market square. Come on, dear. Come on,

Henrietta. Wake up, dear. Come on. I've got to go and earn your breakfast.

I must, I must. Yes, you must. I'm ready.

I shall accompany you to the square and retreat to a safe distance so that I can

keep my weather eye in your dainty little fingers.

Cheerio, then, Jim.

Cheerio. But be back soon.

Cheerio. And keep on working, and don't stay out till noon. Be back soon. I

know, I know.

And so I began my life of crime.

Nadja took me to a busy part of the city where the wealthy gentlemen gathered to

pass the time of day or to watch a street show.

It was clear that I was to make my first drop, as we called it.

wondering if I had to close it for my chosen victim.

Would he feel my touch?

Would he catch me in the act?

Same time tomorrow.

She was hopeless, Jim, hopeless.

Are you trying to tell me she shopped us?

Of course she didn't shop us. No, no, don't get so truculent. You always get

truculent. No, she'll make us a fortune.

What are you on about?

Well, they just stood there and let her do it. They loved having their pockets

picked by a pretty girl.

Jim, boy, we struck it real...

From that day on, I never looked back.

And happily, neither did my wisdom.

I became careless, less discerning in my choice of victims, and it was this that

brought about my downfall.

Hello, hello, hello.

Show up, Will. Do for ya.

Why don't you shut your head?

What? I said, why don't you... I'm trying to get some sleep, you great big

of lawn.

I was by this time in the very depths of despair.

I had betrayed my friends and through my own careless actions was now

incarcerated in a debtor's prison, unable to pay my fine.

Oh, God, was there no hope at all?

Oi, you, big eye, you can go home.

What? What did you say? You're relieved.

Someone's paid you fine. But who?

This kind gentleman is good lady here.

A thousand salutations, dear lady. Allow me to present myself, William McMaster,

actor -manager.

Hamlet, Falstaff, Othello, and Charlie's aunt. The rage of the North.

I'm honoured to know you, sir.

That being so, my dear, you will be doubly honoured to meet my esteemed

Mrs McMaster.

A pitiful Ophelia, a towering Lady Macbeth.

and a wonderful Titania to my bottom.

You're a terrible flatterer. I saw you through the greeting this morning as you

lay on your bunk.

I said to myself, as I watched your breast heave in sorrow, it's the little

and downs that make life worth living.

I'll secure her release.

She will be a great asset to the show.

The show?

The theatre, my dear young lady. The theatre.

You are to be my new juvenile leading lady and banjoist.

That's it in that case, my dear. Now, come on, McMaster, there's no time to be

lost. We must get her her costumes and her wigs and her shoes. So that

eventually I may actually appear on stage.

Eventually, Poppycock.

You're on tonight.

Come. I think you'll be about size 12.

And so, once more, I was plunged into another adventure.

And that very evening, found myself playing the title role in McMaster's

production.

Mrs. McMaster had been a great help to me during that long and exciting day.

But as it turned out, her concern over what I should wear proved to be

unnecessary.

She would never say where she came from.

Yesterday don't matter, cause it's gone.

Ruby Tuesday, goodbye.

Ruby Tuesday, goodbye.

Ruby Tuesday, goodbye.

Thank you, Tina Charles.

Isn't she terrific?

Super, isn't she? I had rather hoped, I must be honest, I had rather hoped that

she would sing Annie Laurie because it would have helped me very neatly into a

joke I was going to tell about a lorry and its driver.

It does help a joke, you know. It does help.

Feel free, please, feel free. It does help a joke. I'm laughing, won't you

me? It does help.

It does help a joke, you know, when it's contrived into the setting.

And frankly, this one about the lorry driver needs all the help it can get.

I'll work it in a bit later. By the way, in case some of you may have been

wondering why I brought this chair out here with me, I'll tell you.

Company.

That's all.

You may say to yourself, what sort of company is an ordinary old kitchen

Well, frankly, not much.

But it's better than nothing.

Not much better, but a bit better.

Actually, it was my old grandfather's chair.

My grandfather, old Gladys Corbett.

He worked for 20 years in a hormone factory.

And when he died about four years ago, he left his body to the Borough Council.

I must write to them again. I know they're busy, but it's ridiculous.

not collected yet.

There is a rumour that when he went, he left all his money hidden in this chair.

Now, if he did, I haven't seen any signs of it, but I haven't really looked.

Although it's possible, let's face it, he was no Irish Paul Getty.

When he was 86, he was 86 when he died, and right up to the end, He

had all his own tooth.

And an enormous, an enormous shock of thick, wavy hair.

Magnificent thick, wavy hair. You should have seen it, honestly. Well, I mean,

I'll let you know, he actually died of dandruff.

Now, the reason I've told you about the chair is not merely to waste your time.

You know, I expect you've all got better things to do and things you'd sooner be

doing. I know I have.

I, um...

I breed racehorses.

Now, I haven't actually bred any yet, but I've got a damn good idea how it's

done.

That's the thought you like, is it?

The reason I've told you about this chair is that I don't want people to

that there's any special relationship, you know, between us. I mean, I do like

the chair.

But I'm not in love with it, you know.

I mean, you can get too attached to things.

I learned my lesson over the sideboard.

Never again.

One day it was stolen. It was my own fault. I left it outside a shop in the

pram.

Two minutes later it had gone.

It was a fish shop, actually. The chap upstairs had asked me to get a cod's

for his cat.

He had some funny idea about doing a strange transplant.

Anyway... Anyway, that, that chair, was one of my

grandfather's most treasured possessions.

That and the joke about the lorry driver who worked on safari... Who worked on

the safari in Africa. What a sneaky way of getting into it. Anyway, this lorry

driver, who worked on a safari, rather than...

a safari driver who worked on a lorry.

Pathetic, isn't it?

He returned, he returned on, you know, home one summer on leave, and he went to

see his doctor for a check -up.

And he was rather fond of him anyway on the side, but he wanted to tell him.

They'd been writing rather a lot, but they hadn't seen each other for a while.

He went to see his doctor for a check -up, you see. When the examination was

over, he turned to the doctor rather seriously, I thought.

I don't know why I had the cheek to think that. I wasn't there. But anyway,

turned to the doctor. He said, Doctor, has it ever been known... It's rather

well -spoken, Safari.

He said, has it ever been known for a human being to fall desperately in love

with an elephant and for that elephant to return that love?

And the doctor said, no, of course not.

He's rather a badly educated doctor. He said, no, of course it's bleeding, not

possible.

Absolutely, completely out of the question for an elephant to fall in love

a person or a person to fall in love with the elephant.

So the lorry driver said, well, in that case, I don't know if you might know of

anyone who wants to buy an extremely large engagement ring.

Excuse me, you're standing on my pink.

Me Tarzan.

Oh, how do you do?

Me Arthur Norris.

Me look for lost city.

Oh, that's a coincidence. Me look for green fly.

This not lost city. No, this well in garden city.

You're not local then.

Me Tarzan.

Yes, sir, you've already said, yes. Me look for lost city.

Me look for Jane.

Jane go, no come back.

What Tarzan do?

Well, um, Tarzan could put a card into Baconist's window.

Me, Arthur Norris, put card in Mr. Prendergast's window when Tiger

Ah, you see, Tiger, no worry.

Tarzan kill Tiger.

Bear hands underwater.

No, I think you've got it all slightly wrong, because the tiger is in fact a

cat. Yes.

Oh, well, as you've already said, you live about these parts, and you're not

living this road precisely.

Where exactly do you live?

Cause I'm living trees.

Oh, really?

Well, I don't wish to study that. I haven't bumped into you before, really,

the garden. I don't wish to appear inhospitable, but, I mean, if you were

thinking of settling round about this area, I'd rather, if you don't mind, you

didn't settle in that tree there. That's an apple tree. It's a rather nice apple

tree. It's a cox, you see. And although I say it myself, a nice, a coxed orange

pippin you never detect.

Now, if you were going to settle in this area, I think you could do worse than

settle in Mr Stroud's pear tree. I wouldn't eat the fruit because he

No!

Oh, that's a rather nasty touch of indigestion you've got.

No, Tarzan bloody bored with conversation.

Oh, that's nice, after my kindness to you. Well, don't you come crawling to me

when you want to borrow my lawn edger.

Arthur! Oh, that'll be the wife just back from the shop. I'm in the garden,

dear. Have the need to cover yourself up a little bit, please, in front of the

lady. Arthur, I've just been talking... Tarzan!

Jane!

How do you know her name?

You Jane, me Tarzan.

Come. I'm sorry, Arthur. He was bound to find me sometime.

Well, if you're not going to say goodbye, at least give us a push.

Well,

you can say what you like about the place. There's never a dull moment in

Welling Garden City, is there?

Jack and Johnny!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, you're really beautiful, and it's really wonderful to be here in our

wonderful country.

Well, let's start the proceeding, shall we, with something that Pops and I

knocked out way back in 1882.

Yes, our greatest hit, Iolante. I hope you remember it.

I love you, Iolante.

You're the only girl I fancy For my heart I promise

you All the

same I beg your pardon But I promised no rose garden

We were strangers in the night Doobie doobie doobie doobie

doobie doobie doobie doobie

And for a show called Age of Miss Pinnivore, the professor and I came up

this swinging little opus, and I hope as though you like it.

My wife's name is Buttercup, big rugged Buttercup. When she plays rugby, don't

scoff.

On Saturday, Buttercup won the Calcutta Cup. When will she really kick off?

Yes, and then we wrote a little ditty that did us a lot of good, chart -wise,

Bill. Coming right up, maestro.

Oh, I'm going to marry Yum -Yum. Yum -Yum! She'll soon be a mummy, cos yummy,

yum -yummy, I'd love in my tummy, tum -tum. Tum -tum! Stick that in your

album. Bum -bum!

A shy samurai went to London to buy seven blankets,

two sheets, and a pillow.

And he married the maiden who first caught his eye at that firm run by

and gillow.

There was never a subject they quarreled about.

Of their love for each other, there wasn't a doubt.

Till she wore a low neckline, t 'was then they fell out.

They know, they will know, they will know.

For we sail the deep blue sea, and although you'd never think it, the rum's

strong for me.

But I like the men who drink it.

There's a sailor lying drunk and feeling peaky. Feeling peaky. In the gutter

where the pavement curvy grips.

Curvy grips.

And he cries, my craft of pinafore is leaky.

For is leaky. What the Navy needs is more efficient ships.

Efficient ships.

Oh,

I lost my... Little sweetie pie in Venice.

Pie in Venice.

Let me warn you, never go there with a gal.

With a gal.

Because those handsome gondoliers are quite a menace. Quite a menace.

As they ply their trade upon that far canal.

Fancy that.

Here's a tootle -doo. Time to say adieu.

We'd very much like to hear how pleasant it's been to pass the time with you and

to think... Thank you, and indeed think of you, as well as thank you, for your

love and kindness throughout the years, because kindness is, after all, isn't

it, what love is all about. But then there's a little verse that says it all

perfectly. We found a wounded pigeon once, we never will forget it. We took

poor thing and we mended its wing, it was well by the spring, so he ate it.

Thank you very much. Well, that's all for this week. This programme was, in

fact, repeated at 11 .15 this morning, so if you've just switched on, you've

missed it twice already.

Next week, we'll be talking to the Mufti of Baroda, the lounge suit of

Hyderabad, and the bedsock of Bangalore.

We'll also talk to a Trappist monk who will ask this question.

Meanwhile, on BBC One at 9 .20 tonight, you can see our new serial, The Meat

Paste Saga.

This is, of course, a potted version.

And for those of you who are worried about pollution in the channel, we are

pleased to report a Coast Guard today sighted a 500 -yard slick of clear

And we leave you with a warning to motorists. Take great care on the knees

flyover, as it hasn't been built yet.

So it's goodnight from me and goodnight from him. Goodnight. Goodnight.