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00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:29,420
Good evening. It's very nice to see you
all again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, very

2
00:00:29,420 --> 00:00:32,119
nice. We've got a packed show for you
tonight. Yeah, I packed it myself.

3
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:39,400
The author of the Penguin Cookbook will
be demonstrating a number of ways of

4
00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:40,400
cooking penguins.

5
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:45,220
We shall consider loneliness with a
special report from the Archbishop of

6
00:00:45,220 --> 00:00:46,220
Golders Green.

7
00:00:46,820 --> 00:00:51,880
And we shall be discussing government
ministries. Are there too many? We'll be

8
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:53,760
hearing the views of the Minister of
State and Kidney Pudding.

9
00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:59,240
Percy Edwards was to have been on the
program, but he was taken ill this

10
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:01,060
afternoon while rehearsing a bird
impression.

11
00:01:03,540 --> 00:01:08,160
A worm he was eating apparently
disagreed with him.

12
00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:12,920
And now a choice of viewing. You can
watch with this eye or with this eye.

13
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:16,360
Now, here is the news.

14
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:21,280
Milk bottles were thrown at a meeting of
the Milk Marketing Board today. And at

15
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:24,580
a meeting of the Egg Marketing Board was
also broken up when eggs were thrown.

16
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:28,160
A mass meeting of the manure marketing
board has been cancelled.

17
00:01:31,380 --> 00:01:35,180
A leading London football team is to
give away plastic models of petrol pump

18
00:01:35,180 --> 00:01:36,180
attendants.

19
00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:47,880
A man who ate scampi contaminated with
mercury is suing the Alpha Bottle Scampi

20
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:48,940
Company for injuries.

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00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:52,840
He says that every time the temperature
goes up, his head shoots up and hits the

22
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:53,840
ceiling.

23
00:01:54,860 --> 00:01:58,200
The man who stole a valuable necklace at
Manhattan Garden today was luckily seen

24
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,240
by four witnesses. They described him as
a man with a snub nose and a pointed

25
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,860
beard, a man with a Roman nose and blue
eyes, a man with a hooked nose, brown

26
00:02:04,860 --> 00:02:07,940
eyes and one very high eyebrow, and a
little old lady with a shopping basket.

27
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:12,120
Thanks to their description, the police
issued this identikit picture.

28
00:02:16,580 --> 00:02:21,740
A great triumph for English football
tonight. We beat Hungary 2 -1 in the

29
00:02:21,740 --> 00:02:24,440
half. after losing 8 -0 in the first
half.

30
00:02:26,220 --> 00:02:31,760
In the old Calcutta Cup for nude rugby,
Barbarians versus the Luton Girls Choir,

31
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:35,360
there were three tries in the first
half. Only two of them suggested.

32
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:43,460
And now we take a look at the state of
the party.

33
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:57,500
glad you could come. Wonderful.

34
00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:00,620
Oh, let me give you a drink. Oh, thanks
so much. There you are. Ah, cheers.

35
00:03:01,060 --> 00:03:02,320
Now, who do you know?

36
00:03:02,620 --> 00:03:06,820
Oh, come across and meet Mr. Goldie.
You're bound to have lots in common. But

37
00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:09,180
for God's sake, don't mention baldness.

38
00:03:09,420 --> 00:03:13,280
He's very sensitive about it. Why should
I mention baldness? I'd hope I'd be a

39
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,640
bit more tactful than that, Shonda.

40
00:03:14,860 --> 00:03:17,100
I mean, I'm not even remotely interested
in baldness.

41
00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:21,200
Well, just don't talk about it. I won't
talk about it. John, this is Mr.

42
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,500
Goldie. Hello, Baldie. Uh, Goldie.

43
00:03:25,769 --> 00:03:27,050
How do you do?

44
00:03:27,950 --> 00:03:29,630
Yes, how do you do?

45
00:03:29,930 --> 00:03:30,930
Well,

46
00:03:31,150 --> 00:03:36,290
good heavens, you're the spitting image
of our friend of mine. Really? Yes,

47
00:03:36,430 --> 00:03:37,430
Curly Smithers.

48
00:03:37,530 --> 00:03:44,330
Yes, well, I mean, that's a joke, of
course. We call him Curly because he's

49
00:03:44,330 --> 00:03:50,970
got the same brown eyes that

50
00:03:50,970 --> 00:03:52,270
you haven't got either.

51
00:03:54,890 --> 00:03:57,890
My eyes are bright. Yes, yes, exactly.
Well, that's it. You see, you've both

52
00:03:57,890 --> 00:03:59,550
exactly the same long eyelashes.

53
00:04:00,210 --> 00:04:02,050
It's nature's way of compensating, I
suppose.

54
00:04:03,570 --> 00:04:05,090
Compensating? Compensating for what?

55
00:04:05,350 --> 00:04:09,210
For your such a tiny nose.

56
00:04:09,570 --> 00:04:12,350
Yes, yes, I mean, well, nothing wrong in
that, is there? I mean, jolly

57
00:04:12,350 --> 00:04:15,710
convenient. You get more mileage from a
box of tissues for a start.

58
00:04:16,930 --> 00:04:19,089
I've never been aware that my nose was
particularly tiny.

59
00:04:19,329 --> 00:04:21,450
Oh, no, it isn't. Oh, it isn't. No, no,
it's only by comparison.

60
00:04:21,709 --> 00:04:22,850
By comparison with what?

61
00:04:23,410 --> 00:04:29,810
Uh... Well, with comparison, with the
vast expanse of your ears.

62
00:04:31,190 --> 00:04:35,170
But my ears aren't particularly big. No,
no, but they're not hidden in any way,

63
00:04:35,230 --> 00:04:36,410
are they? By your height.

64
00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:42,330
Tell me, have you...

65
00:04:42,940 --> 00:04:44,760
Have you been to any good films
recently?

66
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,640
Oh, no, no, no. I never go to films. No,
no, no. I prefer the cinema.

67
00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:54,160
I prefer... I mean... No, the last film
I saw was The King and I. Yes. You know,

68
00:04:54,240 --> 00:05:00,300
you'll... You'll... You'll... You'll
remember that film.

69
00:05:02,750 --> 00:05:04,470
Arnold Brinner was in it. Arnold
Brinner.

70
00:05:04,990 --> 00:05:08,790
Now, he is a chap that you are like.
Yes, you both definitely got the same

71
00:05:08,790 --> 00:05:13,090
mouth. Yes, you're a dead ringer for
him. Well, not him exactly, but the

72
00:05:13,090 --> 00:05:14,610
chap in the film. Deborah Carr? Yes,

73
00:05:16,830 --> 00:05:17,830
Deborah Carr.

74
00:05:18,030 --> 00:05:19,470
Was that joke off the top of your head?

75
00:05:20,710 --> 00:05:24,290
There was another lovely and wonderful
film with it. Wonderful film all about

76
00:05:24,290 --> 00:05:27,010
Indians on the warpath, you know,
charging around with their tomahawks and

77
00:05:27,010 --> 00:05:28,010
taking...

78
00:05:29,349 --> 00:05:33,950
taking people's knick -knacks and life
-savings and all whizzing back to their

79
00:05:33,950 --> 00:05:36,270
wig, the wig, the wogwams.

80
00:05:38,210 --> 00:05:42,430
Wogwams? Wogwams, yes. You know, the
wogwams, the wog, the wams where the

81
00:05:42,430 --> 00:05:44,170
live. You know, the, what are they
called?

82
00:05:44,570 --> 00:05:46,610
The tents, you know, what are they
called? Toupets.

83
00:05:46,910 --> 00:05:47,910
Toupets.

84
00:05:48,930 --> 00:05:52,610
Toupets. Look, why don't we both stop
beating about the bush and play it out

85
00:05:52,610 --> 00:05:53,810
loud? I'm bald.

86
00:05:54,190 --> 00:05:57,690
Oh, dear. Am I boring you? Oh, I'm
sorry. I do bore people. Yes, I talk too

87
00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,230
much, I'm afraid. Not bored, bald.

88
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:03,250
Yes, my language gets very bald, and to
the point, yes, it does. Not your bloody

89
00:06:03,250 --> 00:06:04,570
language, my bloody head.

90
00:06:05,150 --> 00:06:06,310
I keep your hair on.

91
00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:10,290
I'm bald, bald, bald.

92
00:06:10,630 --> 00:06:11,930
You're embarrassing people.

93
00:06:12,270 --> 00:06:13,270
Right, you're not bald.

94
00:06:13,310 --> 00:06:16,910
I am bloody bald. No, you're not. You've
got masses of hair, man. I mean,

95
00:06:16,950 --> 00:06:19,730
veritable tresses of it. Well, it's
coming out of your ears.

96
00:06:21,349 --> 00:06:25,230
Good God, it's coming out of your nose
as well. I mean, where else? What else

97
00:06:25,230 --> 00:06:26,230
you want?

98
00:06:26,530 --> 00:06:29,670
I want you to say it out loud and admit
it. I am bald.

99
00:06:30,030 --> 00:06:32,030
You may be thinning a little on top.

100
00:06:32,250 --> 00:06:35,210
Yes, I mean, you may. I mean, well, we
all are, aren't we? I mean, there's

101
00:06:35,210 --> 00:06:36,210
Nixon.

102
00:06:36,250 --> 00:06:40,930
Sterling Moss, I mean, Anita Harris, I
mean, we're all receding, aren't we? But

103
00:06:40,930 --> 00:06:43,430
grass doesn't grow on a busy street, you
know.

104
00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:44,670
And you know what they say?

105
00:06:44,870 --> 00:06:45,930
Bald head, warm hands.

106
00:06:47,510 --> 00:06:51,010
Bald and short. Good God, I think every
time you come down to breakfast, your

107
00:06:51,010 --> 00:06:52,710
wife hits you over the head with the egg
spoon, doesn't she?

108
00:06:54,070 --> 00:06:57,350
Don't stand around in billiard halls,
will you? You'll get cannoned into the

109
00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:58,350
pocket.

110
00:06:58,750 --> 00:07:00,070
God, what am I saying?

111
00:07:00,950 --> 00:07:05,410
Now, you two are obviously getting along
far too well. Yes. John, meet Mr.

112
00:07:05,450 --> 00:07:08,390
Carter. Oh, my God, you've got a big
one, haven't you?

113
00:07:09,910 --> 00:07:16,170
I didn't mean your nose, I mean... Now,
you, uh...

114
00:07:16,170 --> 00:07:24,870
They

115
00:07:24,870 --> 00:07:31,610
call me good time, Charlie Well,
Charlie's not my name But I'm gonna

116
00:07:31,610 --> 00:07:34,170
have a good time Just the same

117
00:07:36,750 --> 00:07:43,470
And if you think these teardrops are
cause you said goodbye, you're wrong.

118
00:07:43,570 --> 00:07:46,270
I just got summer in my eye.

119
00:07:49,430 --> 00:07:51,370
I'm not crying.

120
00:07:52,030 --> 00:07:53,990
Big boys don't cry.

121
00:07:55,190 --> 00:07:58,790
I just got summer in my eye.

122
00:07:59,150 --> 00:08:01,350
And it hurts a little bit.

123
00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:03,650
I'm not crying.

124
00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:05,930
I'll tell you.

125
00:08:06,170 --> 00:08:11,470
I just got summer in my eyes

126
00:08:11,470 --> 00:08:18,430
Well, babe, they say we live and learn
And I guess that's saying it's true

127
00:08:18,430 --> 00:08:24,490
I know I've learned an awful lot Just by
loving you

128
00:08:24,490 --> 00:08:31,030
And if you think you're leaving It's
clouding up my sky

129
00:08:31,030 --> 00:08:35,250
You're wrong I just got summer in my
eyes

130
00:08:56,650 --> 00:08:59,950
I just got summer in my eyes.

131
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:07,030
I think I'll read the funny papers and
maybe climb a tree.

132
00:09:07,450 --> 00:09:12,990
A lonesome and his funny friends have
got a hold on me.

133
00:09:13,570 --> 00:09:20,550
And if you see me crying the third week
in July, you'll know

134
00:09:20,550 --> 00:09:22,170
I just got summer.

135
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:51,600
I just got summer in my, well, I just
got summer in my, I just got

136
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:52,600
summer.

137
00:10:23,910 --> 00:10:28,030
My brief sojourn at Hampton Wick, the
country house of old Sir Geoffrey

138
00:10:28,030 --> 00:10:32,870
and his son Edward, had been brought to
an abrupt end by the behaviour of the

139
00:10:32,870 --> 00:10:33,870
old man.

140
00:10:34,290 --> 00:10:38,990
And although Edward's love for me had
been very evident, I had been forced to

141
00:10:38,990 --> 00:10:42,070
break it off, which naturally caused him
much pain.

142
00:10:46,710 --> 00:10:51,710
But now I had arrived in the city,
penniless and without lodging.

143
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,980
But as fate would have it, this was soon
remedied.

144
00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:03,400
A chance meeting with two honest
labourers, Jim Soak and Arnold Nadger,

145
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:07,940
in them offering to share with me their
humble accommodation at hotel, which was

146
00:11:07,940 --> 00:11:08,940
not far distant.

147
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:13,420
And we had once repaired to the warmth
and comfort of the three crutches in.

148
00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:21,540
What did you say

149
00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:22,540
your moniker was?

150
00:11:23,079 --> 00:11:24,160
Name, darling, name.

151
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:26,020
Oh, Henrietta Beckett.

152
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:27,660
I shall call you Nancy.

153
00:11:28,740 --> 00:11:30,140
But why, Mr. Stokes?

154
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,480
He calls everybody Nancy, that's why.

155
00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:34,900
It's an habit with him. He calls me
Nancy sometimes.

156
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,140
What do you say?

157
00:11:37,380 --> 00:11:38,540
Well, I deny it, don't I?

158
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,840
Now, you carry on with your grub there.

159
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,160
Oi, Nancy.

160
00:11:43,420 --> 00:11:44,720
Why don't you shut your head?

161
00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:46,920
Lady's eating, can't she? Oh, my.

162
00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:50,500
Nancy. Why don't you shut your head? Oh,
shut your head.

163
00:11:51,980 --> 00:11:55,100
Oh, take no notice, dear. He's moody.
He's very moody, you know, very moody.

164
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:57,220
What are you good at, Nancy?

165
00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:02,860
Oh. Oh, that's a nice question to ask a
lady when she's got her mouth full.

166
00:12:04,820 --> 00:12:08,920
My accomplishments are pitifully few,
I'm afraid, but I have a little French.

167
00:12:09,260 --> 00:12:10,260
A little French what?

168
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,240
Oh, God. Pray continue, dear, pray.

169
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:20,140
Well, I can play the piano 40, sing a
little, and also perform reasonably well

170
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:21,680
on my bass oboe. Go on.

171
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:24,040
We'll set her up as a one -man band,
will you?

172
00:12:24,420 --> 00:12:26,300
Not all at once, claw -fed.

173
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:31,260
Would you say you had a certain softness
of touch, my dear, regarding the Piano

174
00:12:31,260 --> 00:12:32,400
14? Yes.

175
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:36,520
Many people have agreed that my fingers
have a certain lightness. It's true.

176
00:12:36,780 --> 00:12:38,760
Oh, light fingers, Jim, eh?

177
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:44,400
I think we could safely say we can find
appropriate employment for the lady,

178
00:12:44,540 --> 00:12:47,920
wouldn't you? Yeah, you mean... Why
don't you shut your head?

179
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,480
And so it was.

180
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:55,740
Dear reader, that I discovered the true
profession of my two hosts.

181
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,520
They were common thieves and
pickpockets.

182
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:04,260
They proceeded to train me in their
nefarious arts and informed me that

183
00:13:04,260 --> 00:13:07,140
morning my aptitude would be put to the
test.

184
00:13:11,380 --> 00:13:16,340
It was after midnight when the lesson
finally came to an end and I was allowed

185
00:13:16,340 --> 00:13:18,040
to sink down onto one of the straw beds.

186
00:13:19,510 --> 00:13:23,110
whereupon I fell almost immediately into
a deep sleep.

187
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:48,210
You wait, Jim. You wait, Jim.

188
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:52,680
Just about.

189
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,500
How did you sleep?

190
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,340
Cozy, very cozy, me old darling.

191
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:58,600
What do you mean?

192
00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:02,160
Why don't you shut your head? Come on, I
must wake up. I'll sleep in beauty.

193
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:06,080
I've got to get down to a graft in this
market square. Come on, dear. Come on,

194
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:09,480
Henrietta. Wake up, dear. Come on. I've
got to go and earn your breakfast.

195
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,220
I must, I must. Yes, you must. I'm
ready.

196
00:14:12,540 --> 00:14:17,580
I shall accompany you to the square and
retreat to a safe distance so that I can

197
00:14:17,580 --> 00:14:20,400
keep my weather eye in your dainty
little fingers.

198
00:14:22,390 --> 00:14:23,390
Cheerio, then, Jim.

199
00:14:23,490 --> 00:14:25,490
Cheerio. But be back soon.

200
00:14:25,710 --> 00:14:31,030
Cheerio. And keep on working, and don't
stay out till noon. Be back soon. I

201
00:14:31,030 --> 00:14:32,190
know, I know.

202
00:14:34,510 --> 00:14:37,230
And so I began my life of crime.

203
00:14:38,390 --> 00:14:42,650
Nadja took me to a busy part of the city
where the wealthy gentlemen gathered to

204
00:14:42,650 --> 00:14:45,050
pass the time of day or to watch a
street show.

205
00:14:56,910 --> 00:15:00,230
It was clear that I was to make my first
drop, as we called it.

206
00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:39,620
wondering if I had to close it for my
chosen victim.

207
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:41,680
Would he feel my touch?

208
00:15:42,580 --> 00:15:44,100
Would he catch me in the act?

209
00:16:11,660 --> 00:16:12,660
Same time tomorrow.

210
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,100
She was hopeless, Jim, hopeless.

211
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,020
Are you trying to tell me she shopped
us?

212
00:16:23,220 --> 00:16:27,020
Of course she didn't shop us. No, no,
don't get so truculent. You always get

213
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:30,100
truculent. No, she'll make us a fortune.

214
00:16:30,420 --> 00:16:31,420
What are you on about?

215
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:34,940
Well, they just stood there and let her
do it. They loved having their pockets

216
00:16:34,940 --> 00:16:36,180
picked by a pretty girl.

217
00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:38,880
Jim, boy, we struck it real...

218
00:16:43,150 --> 00:16:45,770
From that day on, I never looked back.

219
00:16:46,410 --> 00:16:48,610
And happily, neither did my wisdom.

220
00:17:14,190 --> 00:17:20,170
I became careless, less discerning in my
choice of victims, and it was this that

221
00:17:20,170 --> 00:17:21,569
brought about my downfall.

222
00:17:30,390 --> 00:17:31,850
Hello, hello, hello.

223
00:17:32,750 --> 00:17:35,730
Show up, Will. Do for ya.

224
00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:37,870
Why don't you shut your head?

225
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:42,050
What? I said, why don't you... I'm
trying to get some sleep, you great big

226
00:17:42,050 --> 00:17:43,050
of lawn.

227
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:54,520
I was by this time in the very depths of
despair.

228
00:17:55,100 --> 00:18:00,460
I had betrayed my friends and through my
own careless actions was now

229
00:18:00,460 --> 00:18:04,320
incarcerated in a debtor's prison,
unable to pay my fine.

230
00:18:05,020 --> 00:18:07,480
Oh, God, was there no hope at all?

231
00:18:11,540 --> 00:18:15,340
Oi, you, big eye, you can go home.

232
00:18:15,620 --> 00:18:17,640
What? What did you say? You're relieved.

233
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,980
Someone's paid you fine. But who?

234
00:18:20,750 --> 00:18:23,730
This kind gentleman is good lady here.

235
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:29,770
A thousand salutations, dear lady. Allow
me to present myself, William McMaster,

236
00:18:30,030 --> 00:18:31,130
actor -manager.

237
00:18:31,410 --> 00:18:36,210
Hamlet, Falstaff, Othello, and Charlie's
aunt. The rage of the North.

238
00:18:36,790 --> 00:18:38,190
I'm honoured to know you, sir.

239
00:18:38,950 --> 00:18:43,210
That being so, my dear, you will be
doubly honoured to meet my esteemed

240
00:18:43,510 --> 00:18:44,670
Mrs McMaster.

241
00:18:44,990 --> 00:18:48,310
A pitiful Ophelia, a towering Lady
Macbeth.

242
00:18:48,590 --> 00:18:51,030
and a wonderful Titania to my bottom.

243
00:18:51,790 --> 00:18:57,630
You're a terrible flatterer. I saw you
through the greeting this morning as you

244
00:18:57,630 --> 00:18:58,569
lay on your bunk.

245
00:18:58,570 --> 00:19:03,810
I said to myself, as I watched your
breast heave in sorrow, it's the little

246
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,150
and downs that make life worth living.

247
00:19:06,450 --> 00:19:07,810
I'll secure her release.

248
00:19:08,050 --> 00:19:10,290
She will be a great asset to the show.

249
00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:11,389
The show?

250
00:19:11,390 --> 00:19:13,650
The theatre, my dear young lady. The
theatre.

251
00:19:13,870 --> 00:19:17,870
You are to be my new juvenile leading
lady and banjoist.

252
00:19:19,889 --> 00:19:23,110
That's it in that case, my dear. Now,
come on, McMaster, there's no time to be

253
00:19:23,110 --> 00:19:27,310
lost. We must get her her costumes and
her wigs and her shoes. So that

254
00:19:27,310 --> 00:19:29,370
eventually I may actually appear on
stage.

255
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:30,930
Eventually, Poppycock.

256
00:19:31,150 --> 00:19:32,310
You're on tonight.

257
00:19:32,590 --> 00:19:35,470
Come. I think you'll be about size 12.

258
00:19:35,810 --> 00:19:40,750
And so, once more, I was plunged into
another adventure.

259
00:19:41,530 --> 00:19:46,270
And that very evening, found myself
playing the title role in McMaster's

260
00:19:46,270 --> 00:19:47,270
production.

261
00:19:48,909 --> 00:19:52,370
Mrs. McMaster had been a great help to
me during that long and exciting day.

262
00:19:53,330 --> 00:19:57,110
But as it turned out, her concern over
what I should wear proved to be

263
00:19:57,110 --> 00:19:58,110
unnecessary.

264
00:20:21,130 --> 00:20:27,230
She would never say where she came from.

265
00:20:31,990 --> 00:20:38,070
Yesterday don't matter, cause it's gone.

266
00:23:26,090 --> 00:23:28,390
Ruby Tuesday, goodbye.

267
00:23:30,290 --> 00:23:34,150
Ruby Tuesday, goodbye.

268
00:23:35,870 --> 00:23:40,050
Ruby Tuesday, goodbye.

269
00:24:06,060 --> 00:24:07,360
Thank you, Tina Charles.

270
00:24:07,580 --> 00:24:08,580
Isn't she terrific?

271
00:24:08,700 --> 00:24:12,800
Super, isn't she? I had rather hoped, I
must be honest, I had rather hoped that

272
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:17,080
she would sing Annie Laurie because it
would have helped me very neatly into a

273
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,780
joke I was going to tell about a lorry
and its driver.

274
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,060
It does help a joke, you know. It does
help.

275
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:29,820
Feel free, please, feel free. It does
help a joke. I'm laughing, won't you

276
00:24:29,820 --> 00:24:30,820
me? It does help.

277
00:24:31,300 --> 00:24:35,420
It does help a joke, you know, when it's
contrived into the setting.

278
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:39,300
And frankly, this one about the lorry
driver needs all the help it can get.

279
00:24:40,780 --> 00:24:44,620
I'll work it in a bit later. By the way,
in case some of you may have been

280
00:24:44,620 --> 00:24:48,580
wondering why I brought this chair out
here with me, I'll tell you.

281
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:50,280
Company.

282
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:52,639
That's all.

283
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:56,840
You may say to yourself, what sort of
company is an ordinary old kitchen

284
00:24:57,060 --> 00:24:58,980
Well, frankly, not much.

285
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:03,720
But it's better than nothing.

286
00:25:04,270 --> 00:25:06,190
Not much better, but a bit better.

287
00:25:07,170 --> 00:25:10,690
Actually, it was my old grandfather's
chair.

288
00:25:10,910 --> 00:25:13,530
My grandfather, old Gladys Corbett.

289
00:25:15,110 --> 00:25:19,110
He worked for 20 years in a hormone
factory.

290
00:25:23,930 --> 00:25:29,530
And when he died about four years ago,
he left his body to the Borough Council.

291
00:25:30,140 --> 00:25:32,880
I must write to them again. I know
they're busy, but it's ridiculous.

292
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:33,880
not collected yet.

293
00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:41,420
There is a rumour that when he went, he
left all his money hidden in this chair.

294
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:48,200
Now, if he did, I haven't seen any signs
of it, but I haven't really looked.

295
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:51,740
Although it's possible, let's face it,
he was no Irish Paul Getty.

296
00:25:53,020 --> 00:25:59,890
When he was 86, he was 86 when he died,
and right up to the end, He

297
00:25:59,890 --> 00:26:01,290
had all his own tooth.

298
00:26:03,650 --> 00:26:08,190
And an enormous, an enormous shock of
thick, wavy hair.

299
00:26:08,590 --> 00:26:11,250
Magnificent thick, wavy hair. You should
have seen it, honestly. Well, I mean,

300
00:26:11,270 --> 00:26:13,450
I'll let you know, he actually died of
dandruff.

301
00:26:14,930 --> 00:26:21,010
Now, the reason I've told you about the
chair is not merely to waste your time.

302
00:26:21,110 --> 00:26:24,050
You know, I expect you've all got better
things to do and things you'd sooner be

303
00:26:24,050 --> 00:26:25,490
doing. I know I have.

304
00:26:25,690 --> 00:26:26,690
I, um...

305
00:26:27,919 --> 00:26:29,720
I breed racehorses.

306
00:26:30,300 --> 00:26:33,820
Now, I haven't actually bred any yet,
but I've got a damn good idea how it's

307
00:26:33,820 --> 00:26:34,820
done.

308
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:41,300
That's the thought you like, is it?

309
00:26:41,660 --> 00:26:45,780
The reason I've told you about this
chair is that I don't want people to

310
00:26:45,780 --> 00:26:50,320
that there's any special relationship,
you know, between us. I mean, I do like

311
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:51,320
the chair.

312
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:52,760
But I'm not in love with it, you know.

313
00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:55,520
I mean, you can get too attached to
things.

314
00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:58,220
I learned my lesson over the sideboard.

315
00:27:02,940 --> 00:27:04,280
Never again.

316
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:09,160
One day it was stolen. It was my own
fault. I left it outside a shop in the

317
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:10,160
pram.

318
00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:13,600
Two minutes later it had gone.

319
00:27:13,900 --> 00:27:17,460
It was a fish shop, actually. The chap
upstairs had asked me to get a cod's

320
00:27:17,460 --> 00:27:18,460
for his cat.

321
00:27:18,860 --> 00:27:21,300
He had some funny idea about doing a
strange transplant.

322
00:27:24,900 --> 00:27:31,200
Anyway... Anyway, that, that chair, was
one of my

323
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:33,320
grandfather's most treasured
possessions.

324
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:39,200
That and the joke about the lorry driver
who worked on safari... Who worked on

325
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:42,280
the safari in Africa. What a sneaky way
of getting into it. Anyway, this lorry

326
00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:46,460
driver, who worked on a safari, rather
than...

327
00:27:46,700 --> 00:27:48,340
a safari driver who worked on a lorry.

328
00:27:54,020 --> 00:27:55,020
Pathetic, isn't it?

329
00:27:57,660 --> 00:28:03,740
He returned, he returned on, you know,
home one summer on leave, and he went to

330
00:28:03,740 --> 00:28:05,500
see his doctor for a check -up.

331
00:28:05,900 --> 00:28:08,680
And he was rather fond of him anyway on
the side, but he wanted to tell him.

332
00:28:10,740 --> 00:28:13,500
They'd been writing rather a lot, but
they hadn't seen each other for a while.

333
00:28:14,590 --> 00:28:18,090
He went to see his doctor for a check
-up, you see. When the examination was

334
00:28:18,090 --> 00:28:21,090
over, he turned to the doctor rather
seriously, I thought.

335
00:28:23,890 --> 00:28:26,890
I don't know why I had the cheek to
think that. I wasn't there. But anyway,

336
00:28:26,890 --> 00:28:31,010
turned to the doctor. He said, Doctor,
has it ever been known... It's rather

337
00:28:31,010 --> 00:28:32,010
well -spoken, Safari.

338
00:28:33,910 --> 00:28:40,210
He said, has it ever been known for a
human being to fall desperately in love

339
00:28:40,210 --> 00:28:43,290
with an elephant and for that elephant
to return that love?

340
00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:45,900
And the doctor said, no, of course not.

341
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:55,820
He's rather a badly educated doctor. He
said, no, of course it's bleeding, not

342
00:28:55,820 --> 00:28:56,820
possible.

343
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:02,780
Absolutely, completely out of the
question for an elephant to fall in love

344
00:29:02,780 --> 00:29:04,660
a person or a person to fall in love
with the elephant.

345
00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:08,980
So the lorry driver said, well, in that
case, I don't know if you might know of

346
00:29:08,980 --> 00:29:12,000
anyone who wants to buy an extremely
large engagement ring.

347
00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,080
Excuse me, you're standing on my pink.

348
00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:43,820
Me Tarzan.

349
00:29:44,260 --> 00:29:45,520
Oh, how do you do?

350
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:48,220
Me Arthur Norris.

351
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,460
Me look for lost city.

352
00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:54,220
Oh, that's a coincidence. Me look for
green fly.

353
00:29:55,640 --> 00:30:00,480
This not lost city. No, this well in
garden city.

354
00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:03,800
You're not local then.

355
00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:05,740
Me Tarzan.

356
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:09,140
Yes, sir, you've already said, yes. Me
look for lost city.

357
00:30:09,420 --> 00:30:10,660
Me look for Jane.

358
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:13,480
Jane go, no come back.

359
00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:15,220
What Tarzan do?

360
00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:20,320
Well, um, Tarzan could put a card into
Baconist's window.

361
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:27,660
Me, Arthur Norris, put card in Mr.
Prendergast's window when Tiger

362
00:30:28,140 --> 00:30:30,020
Ah, you see, Tiger, no worry.

363
00:30:30,340 --> 00:30:31,640
Tarzan kill Tiger.

364
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:33,600
Bear hands underwater.

365
00:30:43,180 --> 00:30:46,380
No, I think you've got it all slightly
wrong, because the tiger is in fact a

366
00:30:46,380 --> 00:30:47,380
cat. Yes.

367
00:30:48,100 --> 00:30:52,380
Oh, well, as you've already said, you
live about these parts, and you're not

368
00:30:52,380 --> 00:30:53,380
living this road precisely.

369
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:55,700
Where exactly do you live?

370
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:57,300
Cause I'm living trees.

371
00:30:58,140 --> 00:30:59,119
Oh, really?

372
00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:02,580
Well, I don't wish to study that. I
haven't bumped into you before, really,

373
00:31:02,580 --> 00:31:05,640
the garden. I don't wish to appear
inhospitable, but, I mean, if you were

374
00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:09,540
thinking of settling round about this
area, I'd rather, if you don't mind, you

375
00:31:09,540 --> 00:31:12,360
didn't settle in that tree there. That's
an apple tree. It's a rather nice apple

376
00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:16,000
tree. It's a cox, you see. And although
I say it myself, a nice, a coxed orange

377
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:17,000
pippin you never detect.

378
00:31:17,100 --> 00:31:19,900
Now, if you were going to settle in this
area, I think you could do worse than

379
00:31:19,900 --> 00:31:23,340
settle in Mr Stroud's pear tree. I
wouldn't eat the fruit because he

380
00:31:23,340 --> 00:31:24,340
No!

381
00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:28,860
Oh, that's a rather nasty touch of
indigestion you've got.

382
00:31:30,140 --> 00:31:33,100
No, Tarzan bloody bored with
conversation.

383
00:31:34,780 --> 00:31:39,400
Oh, that's nice, after my kindness to
you. Well, don't you come crawling to me

384
00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:41,200
when you want to borrow my lawn edger.

385
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:44,700
Arthur! Oh, that'll be the wife just
back from the shop. I'm in the garden,

386
00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:47,680
dear. Have the need to cover yourself up
a little bit, please, in front of the

387
00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:50,240
lady. Arthur, I've just been talking...
Tarzan!

388
00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:51,760
Jane!

389
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:53,720
How do you know her name?

390
00:31:54,190 --> 00:31:56,370
You Jane, me Tarzan.

391
00:31:56,730 --> 00:32:00,570
Come. I'm sorry, Arthur. He was bound to
find me sometime.

392
00:32:01,550 --> 00:32:04,670
Well, if you're not going to say
goodbye, at least give us a push.

393
00:32:07,970 --> 00:32:08,970
Well,

394
00:32:13,250 --> 00:32:16,970
you can say what you like about the
place. There's never a dull moment in

395
00:32:16,970 --> 00:32:18,030
Welling Garden City, is there?

396
00:32:24,090 --> 00:32:25,090
Jack and Johnny!

397
00:35:59,950 --> 00:36:02,550
Thank you.

398
00:36:02,790 --> 00:36:04,010
Thank you.

399
00:36:23,020 --> 00:36:26,500
Thank you, you're really beautiful, and
it's really wonderful to be here in our

400
00:36:26,500 --> 00:36:27,500
wonderful country.

401
00:36:27,720 --> 00:36:31,160
Well, let's start the proceeding, shall
we, with something that Pops and I

402
00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:33,440
knocked out way back in 1882.

403
00:36:33,740 --> 00:36:36,960
Yes, our greatest hit, Iolante. I hope
you remember it.

404
00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:48,620
I love you, Iolante.

405
00:36:49,340 --> 00:36:55,520
You're the only girl I fancy For my
heart I promise

406
00:36:55,520 --> 00:37:02,420
you All the

407
00:37:02,420 --> 00:37:09,200
same I beg your pardon But I promised no
rose garden

408
00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:16,200
We were strangers in the night Doobie
doobie doobie doobie

409
00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:18,640
doobie doobie doobie doobie

410
00:37:21,610 --> 00:37:24,730
And for a show called Age of Miss
Pinnivore, the professor and I came up

411
00:37:24,730 --> 00:37:27,110
this swinging little opus, and I hope as
though you like it.

412
00:37:34,290 --> 00:37:40,610
My wife's name is Buttercup, big rugged
Buttercup. When she plays rugby, don't

413
00:37:40,610 --> 00:37:41,610
scoff.

414
00:37:42,009 --> 00:37:48,370
On Saturday, Buttercup won the Calcutta
Cup. When will she really kick off?

415
00:37:50,050 --> 00:37:54,830
Yes, and then we wrote a little ditty
that did us a lot of good, chart -wise,

416
00:37:54,970 --> 00:37:56,650
Bill. Coming right up, maestro.

417
00:38:01,050 --> 00:38:05,930
Oh, I'm going to marry Yum -Yum. Yum
-Yum! She'll soon be a mummy, cos yummy,

418
00:38:05,990 --> 00:38:09,910
yum -yummy, I'd love in my tummy, tum
-tum. Tum -tum! Stick that in your

419
00:38:09,910 --> 00:38:10,990
album. Bum -bum!

420
00:38:15,500 --> 00:38:21,920
A shy samurai went to London to buy
seven blankets,

421
00:38:22,220 --> 00:38:24,160
two sheets, and a pillow.

422
00:38:24,740 --> 00:38:30,860
And he married the maiden who first
caught his eye at that firm run by

423
00:38:30,860 --> 00:38:31,860
and gillow.

424
00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:35,860
There was never a subject they quarreled
about.

425
00:38:36,100 --> 00:38:39,600
Of their love for each other, there
wasn't a doubt.

426
00:38:40,030 --> 00:38:43,530
Till she wore a low neckline, t 'was
then they fell out.

427
00:38:43,790 --> 00:38:47,810
They know, they will know, they will
know.

428
00:38:53,030 --> 00:38:58,370
For we sail the deep blue sea, and
although you'd never think it, the rum's

429
00:38:58,370 --> 00:38:59,370
strong for me.

430
00:38:59,690 --> 00:39:01,430
But I like the men who drink it.

431
00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:18,540
There's a sailor lying drunk and feeling
peaky. Feeling peaky. In the gutter

432
00:39:18,540 --> 00:39:20,520
where the pavement curvy grips.

433
00:39:20,860 --> 00:39:21,860
Curvy grips.

434
00:39:22,180 --> 00:39:25,720
And he cries, my craft of pinafore is
leaky.

435
00:39:25,980 --> 00:39:30,840
For is leaky. What the Navy needs is
more efficient ships.

436
00:39:31,340 --> 00:39:32,540
Efficient ships.

437
00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:36,360
Oh,

438
00:39:40,900 --> 00:39:44,700
I lost my... Little sweetie pie in
Venice.

439
00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:45,980
Pie in Venice.

440
00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:49,920
Let me warn you, never go there with a
gal.

441
00:39:50,180 --> 00:39:51,280
With a gal.

442
00:39:51,740 --> 00:39:56,860
Because those handsome gondoliers are
quite a menace. Quite a menace.

443
00:39:57,180 --> 00:40:01,120
As they ply their trade upon that far
canal.

444
00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:02,980
Fancy that.

445
00:40:08,180 --> 00:40:11,480
Here's a tootle -doo. Time to say adieu.

446
00:40:36,080 --> 00:40:41,900
We'd very much like to hear how pleasant
it's been to pass the time with you and

447
00:40:41,900 --> 00:40:45,900
to think... Thank you, and indeed think
of you, as well as thank you, for your

448
00:40:45,900 --> 00:40:50,620
love and kindness throughout the years,
because kindness is, after all, isn't

449
00:40:50,620 --> 00:40:53,800
it, what love is all about. But then
there's a little verse that says it all

450
00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:58,800
perfectly. We found a wounded pigeon
once, we never will forget it. We took

451
00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:02,280
poor thing and we mended its wing, it
was well by the spring, so he ate it.

452
00:41:34,540 --> 00:41:38,060
Thank you very much. Well, that's all
for this week. This programme was, in

453
00:41:38,060 --> 00:41:42,320
fact, repeated at 11 .15 this morning,
so if you've just switched on, you've

454
00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:43,320
missed it twice already.

455
00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:49,400
Next week, we'll be talking to the Mufti
of Baroda, the lounge suit of

456
00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:51,040
Hyderabad, and the bedsock of Bangalore.

457
00:41:52,420 --> 00:41:55,840
We'll also talk to a Trappist monk who
will ask this question.

458
00:42:02,890 --> 00:42:06,730
Meanwhile, on BBC One at 9 .20 tonight,
you can see our new serial, The Meat

459
00:42:06,730 --> 00:42:07,730
Paste Saga.

460
00:42:08,110 --> 00:42:09,870
This is, of course, a potted version.

461
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And for those of you who are worried
about pollution in the channel, we are

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pleased to report a Coast Guard today
sighted a 500 -yard slick of clear

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And we leave you with a warning to
motorists. Take great care on the knees

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flyover, as it hasn't been built yet.

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So it's goodnight from me and goodnight
from him. Goodnight. Goodnight.