Original subtitles

Where are you?

What does that mean, almost home?

How close is close?

Pretty close.

What is the big emergency?

The movie doesn't start for an hour.

Change of plans. We're not going to a movie. We're going to be in a movie.

Well, I am anyway.

Nick Spinelli is shooting a movie outside of Cleveland, and according to

Daily Acorn, he eats at the same diner every night.

Imagine his surprise when he looks up from his pasta puttanesca, allegedly his

go -to meal, to see me dressed like this. And you, not dressed like that.

on. Cleveland?

That's over an hour away.

Come on, this is my big chance to break into movies and get back to Hollywood. I

mean, how many famous people come to Ohio?

Al Roker's doing Pippin at the Paperback Players next month.

Well, perhaps we should pinch a pair of tickets prior to the performance.

Let's go.

Okay.

Okay. Now, I'm off to Todd's to watch the game. You know the rules.

Yeah, yeah. Don't let Justin drink from the toilet.

What else?

Don't make Justin drink from the toilet.

Okay. I love you guys. Be good.

course not you're having people over it's just leslie

ian and jeff hey is it cool if we have a couple more people come by uh

yeah sure i guess that's cool great he says it's totally cool

But you know I'm insane and we can laugh about it. Even though we can drive each

other crazy.

You know we don't have to worry.

We will live, we will laugh, and we'll love each other anyway.

Maybe Nick Spinelli

isn't coming tonight.

Well, I'm not giving up hope.

You're the one that's always telling me that I should go out.

Mary Sunshine wants her table back.

Excuse me, can I get a warm -up?

It's warm enough.

Now, let's wrap this up, all right? I gave you a check an hour ago.

We'd like another piece of pie.

We're out of pie.

We'd like some chili. We're out of chili.

You like Chinese?

Love Chinese.

Good. Hong Kong Charlie Wong's is open 24 hours. Tell him Marge sent ya. Now,

beat it!

Now, listen here, Marge. We are paying customers. That means we have the right

to sit here as long as we want to.

Uh, Faith, no hope. This is a free country, and this is my big night. And

not gonna let some two -bit waitress in a sweaty, grease -stained uniform ruin

it for me.

We don't have any money.

You gave me the wrong purse.

You know, Marge, sweating and grief pain is so difficult to pull off, but you do

it beautifully.

Oh.

Sheldon, the ball was coming towards me, and I didn't know if I would catch it,

and I was like, whoa, and the ball was like, and then I caught it.

Wow.

You have to do something.

You think?

I kind of like it when the guy makes the first move.

About the party.

Chill out. Mom and Dad will be home for hours.

Lizzie, it's Dad.

Quiet, everyone. It's my father.

Hello?

Hi, Dad.

Todd's cable went out. You're on your way home?

No, no, nothing's wrong. Haley, Justin, and I are just playing chess.

Gotta go, Dad. It's my role.

Your mother and I go out. We trust you to be responsible. And what do you do?

You have chips and soda for dinner?

You caught us. Sure did.

Busted.

Yeah, well, I'll let it slide this time. But just remember, you can't pull one

over.

Looks like we got ourselves a little problem here, ladies.

Big problem.

I can explain.

You see, my sister... Enchante.

My sister dragged me out of the house and

gave me the wrong purse.

Tell it to the cops.

Look, Leo, I don't think it's necessary that we involve the authorities.

I mean, we'll just drive home and we'll mail you a check.

Of course, you mail me a check, and maybe you could include some snapshots

your husband and kids, huh?

I would be happy to.

Two girls and a little guy.

Or you could just put the check in a bottle, toss it into Lake Erie, and

wash up right in front of the restaurant.

I don't know, that sounds a little chancy.

Are you a crazy woman?

I came from the old country with nothing but a bag of olives and a dream. You

think I got where I am by letting people mail me a check?

All right, all right. We'll do her bottle thing.

Hey, let me handle this, okay?

I respect the fact that you have a business to run, and you... Well, you'll

hearing from me on the customer comment card.

But I'm sure we all agree that an honest mistake was made, and I'm sure we'll

find a reasonable solution.

I mean, it's not like you're going to make us work it off.

Thank you.

so blind.

What are you doing?

Oh, I was just looking at the moon.

It's so full and beautiful.

Honey, there's no moon tonight.

Oh, well, it must have been a street lamp.

Silly me.

Where are you going?

The kitchen.

The kitchen?

Yeah. Dad?

Hey, sport.

Where do babies come from?

Good question, Justin.

Dad, I'm gonna leave you two alone for a little while. You know, for a real man

-to -man.

Uh... Well... Son?

There's mommy and a daddy, and they're super keen on each other.

My friend Alex has two daddies.

Okay.

We'll get to that.

Nick Spinelli, where are you?

So, Fred, you're a trucker?

Yep. Got a fry?

Yep.

Sweetie Holland.

Renewer?

Hey, I asked for ketchup.

I'm sorry. Can we have some napkins over here, please?

Coming. Faith, we need napkins on table six. Oh, gotcha.

for cheese on my burger.

Lady, my ribs are undercooked.

Terribly sorry.

I'll take those back to the kitchen. Meantime, have some cheese.

Hot back, hot plate, hot plate. Table two needs a check and you've got food in

the window. I'm not here to do your job.

Don't you see? I'm totally swamped out here. The expression is in the weave.

Well, I'm in the weave because of you.

You know what your problem is? You're lazy. You're a lazy waitress and a lazy

actress.

What's that supposed to mean?

Instead of doing any real work to get your career going again, you think you

just sit here in some crummy diner waiting for some hot shot Hollywood

to just walk in that door and give you a part in his movie.

Let me give you a hand. No!

She said we should do it ourselves.

The cleaning, not the caring.

I'm not observant.

Nothing slips under my radar.

I'm going to get ready for bed.

Great idea, Dad.

Oh, are you okay?

Yeah, but I think I blacked out when I heard your dad say urethra.

I'll see you in school tomorrow.

Well, that's everyone.

I can't believe we got away with it. Way to go.

Way to go?

This was the most stressful night of my life.

You know what, Sydney?

You're irresponsible and you don't care about anyone but yourself.

I said I was sorry.

No, you didn't.

Oh. So we're cool?

No! You're my big sister. You're supposed to be looking out for me, not

other way around.

I am sorry.

And I do look out for you.

It's just that you never do anything wrong.

Never do anything wrong?

I just wrapped Bobby Spicer in Mom and Dad's comforter and threw him out their

window.

problem is you don't believe in me.

I'm not a lazy actress, and I'm going to prove it.

Nick Spinelli is here, and this is my big break.

This is my ticket out of this dead -end job and this grimy, greasy spoon.

Faith, you don't really work here.

I know. I was acting.

Now, wish me luck.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm going to wait on that table.

Oh, no, you're not. That's my table, and that guy left me a $100 tip last night.

Fine. We'll leave you $200.

Hope, pay her!

We don't have any money. That's why we're waitressing.

Do you see that guy?

He's a really big Hollywood director.

He is? Yeah, and he's here doing a big movie.

Really?

I've done a little acting myself.

So if you'd just be a peach and let me wait on that table.

Sure.

over my dead body.

Listen, Missy, I've been doing this for 15 years.

The people love me.

You really think you can just step in and do my job?

I don't see why not.

I got a pretty face, a hot bod, and a big mouth. How hard can it be?

Marge, don't you have table three?

What's it to you?

Uh, nothing. I just saw some kid grab your tip and run out the door.

That rotten punk. I'm going to tear his lungs out.

Oh, what are you doing?

I didn't drive an hour. I ate a 4 ,000 -calorie dinner and wait tables so you

could miss your big chance.

Now, go.

What's appropriate?

Hi, I'm Faith Fairfield.

I'll be your waitress tonight, although you probably recognize me from The

Sacred and the Sinful.

The strip club on I -90?

Oh, you're wicked.

No, the soap opera.

I'm not really a waitress. I'm an actress.

Oh, great. Well, maybe you could play the role of a waitress and take my

I can do that.

So, what are the specials? I'd be happy to tell you our specials.

Although you'd probably find them more enjoyable from a woman who's just lost

her baby. Why, God?

Why do we have rice pea lobster fried with Chinese vegetables and snow peas?

Actually, we're out of snow peas. No snow peas?

Why, God?

Why?

Or maybe you'd like to hear the specials from a hooker with a heart of gold.

Because we also have a...

mouth -watering Mediterranean sandwich with grilled peppers on a garlic roll.

Is that what you want, Daddy?

Because I'll give it to you if that's what you need.

Why don't we just start with some coffee?

Great. I'll send someone out with your coffee. Who knows, it could be a Civil

War bride just fixing up some mint juleps for her fine gentleman callers.

ought to quench a powerful thirst.

What a nut job.

I think it's going really well.

What are you two doing? Where the hell is Marge? I got hot dishes piling up at

the window.

You know, she went to the bathroom.

Girl problems.

Jason, I didn't come all the way from Greece to listen to girl problems. Did I

tell you I came to this country with... Bag of olives, dream.

Yeah, yeah, we know. Hey, do I smell something burning?

My burgers!

Oh, yeah. Get in there and wow him before Marge goes psycho. Oh, good idea!

psycho character.

Excuse me, miss.

Are you talking to me?

I said, are you talking to me?

You must be talking to me, because I'm the only one here.

Are you in...

Yes!

And I also do a mean Jack Nicholson. You want chili? You can't handle the chili.

Look, lady, I am a director, an auteur.

You think this hasn't happened before? You think I haven't walked into a

restaurant and had some waitress start acting for me to try and get a role in

one of my films?

It's predictable.

You want to know something that would impress me?

If someone did something... totally wild because that's what my films are about

the element of surprise the unexpected twist

want in my film.

Hello?

Alice?

Care to explain?

Not really.

How was your night?

Oh, you know, Dad was on the job.

Need I say more?

Alicia Silverstone High School Movie.

Clueless.