Original subtitles

Big news, everybody.

Ashley Storm is back.

Back? What are you talking about?

The Sacred and the Sinful has just announced that Ashley Storm, the role

famous by Faith Fairfield, is returning to Cedar Valley.

I'm going back to Hollywood.

Kids, look away.

Your daddy's gonna cry.

idea hey it's three o 'clock let's turn on the show and see how they're setting

up my return ashley storm is that really you

wait a minute

that's not me of course it's me nando no no it isn't that's not me nando yeah

that's not her nando

my sister killed me and then killed herself because I was wearing a

vest.

They recast my role.

Aw, honey.

Well, clearly they didn't think that girl was good enough to play twins like

did.

I'm sure you remember my twin Angela.

But I don't think you ever met my other twin.

Or rather...

Alexandra, raised in a Parisian nunnery.

Bonjour.

Oh, God.

I'm going to be stuck here forever.

Oh, God.

She's going to be stuck here forever.

But you know in the end we can laugh about it. Even though we can drive each

other crazy.

You know we don't have to worry.

We will live, we will laugh, and we'll love each other anyway.

La, la, la, la, la, la.

And now, back to The Sacred and the Syndrome.

Oh, Nando.

You don't know how hard it was for me to get my baby up for adoption.

My baby. My baby. I'm the one that carried that child for 18 months.

Okay, that's it. It's been three days. You have to get off this couch.

You know what might make you feel better?

Starring in a soap opera?

I was thinking of a cup of tea.

Hey, Aunt Faith, this will cheer you up.

All the girls at school say they hate the new Ashley Storm.

They do?

Really? Yeah.

There is no way she's a physicist slash spy.

First of all, she's like 19, and we all think she looks more like a supermodel.

So, did someone get a part in the holiday pageant today?

Mom, you're the director.

You dropped off the cast list this morning.

I know.

Congratulations!

Haley, here's some advice.

Watch your back, or they'll replace you with some sexy little tramp from the

third grade.

Haley has the most important speech in the play.

Mom, it's just a few lines at the end. A few lines?

You're the magic fountain.

When your moment comes, that whole theater is going to fall silent. And

single person is going to have their eyes and ears locked on you.

Honey, like a laser beam.

Oh, my gosh.

I'd rather go practice my lines.

Good job, Mom.

That's not how you speak to an actress.

At least that's not how they used to.

Back when I had a job.

Hey, that gives me an idea.

Why don't you help me with Haley's play?

I can't star in a sixth grade play.

No, not star in it. You can be the acting coach.

Let's not forget, you started your career in the theater. Remember, third

Pirates of Penzance?

Who was the...

Saltiest little pirate on that stage.

I was.

Come on. Give me a little arrr.

Arr. You can do better than that.

Shiver me timbers.

Arr. Arr.

Arr. Arr.

What? I can't play?

What do you say? Will you do it?

Yes, I'll do it.

Thank you, Hope. You're welcome.

So when can we start?

As soon as you shower.

Good idea.

Oh, and you might want to steam clean the couch.

Justin, it's freezing out. Where's your jacket?

The new kid at school took it. He took it?

Why? Because he wanted it.

What's his name? I'll call his mother. Honey, you can't call his mom.

Why not?

Justin?

Atomic wedgie.

Let me handle this. I'll just go to this kid's house, have a chat with his dad,

and get your jacket back. How's that sound, buddy?

I thank you from the bottom of my butt.

Yes?

Hank Jones?

One and the same.

I'm Charlie Schnowski. I live down the street.

My son Justin goes to school with your son Matt.

Oh, yeah? Well, good to meet you, Charlie. We're new in town. I'm glad

making some friends.

Well, actually, the reason I'm here is your son took my son's jacket.

God, that's terrible.

Well, let's get to the bottom of this right now.

Matt, get down here!

Hey, Dad.

Hello, sir.

Hey, Maddie.

Did you take a jacket from a boy named Justin? No, Dad.

Okay, thanks, sport.

Well, sorry about that, Charlie. I guess it wasn't him.

Are you sure? I mean, I don't know why my son would say he took it if he didn't

take it.

So you're calling my son a liar? No, no, no, of course not. I'm just... Where do

you get off coming to my house making false accusations? Hey, there's no need

get short with me.

Okay, here we go with the short jokes.

I wasn't making a short joke. I may be little, but that doesn't mean I have to

take any of your crap. So stay away from me and my family, you big jolly green

jerk.

Ah, to be back in the theater.

That's how you say theater in theater.

Theater.

I'll keep that in mind. You were so right. This is just what I needed.

To be back in the theater on stage.

That's how you say stage. Okay, okay.

Let's get started.

Now, I want to make one thing perfectly clear. Hey, you with the gigantic

foreheads, listen up. Her name is Melanie.

And a prominent brow is a sign of intelligence.

Now, you all have copies of your play, so let's just read through them once.

Just for fun. No, wait.

The actor begins from a blank page.

So I want you all to rip up your script. What?

conventional way.

But can we at least start with some vocal exercises, or is that too radical?

No, I... I think that'll be okay.

Thank you.

Okay, now, children, I want you to watch and repeat.

The one with...

The big forehead sure runs funny.

These jackets suck.

Come on, they're not that bad. It's late in the season. There wasn't a lot of

choice left. Besides, we match.

We're jacket buddies.

How cool is that?

Hey, check out Dorky the Snow Dork and his little dorky tattoo.

Why don't we just turn these inside out?

Hey, there's my jacket. Matt's wearing my jacket.

Come on, go kick his butt.

We Shanowskis do not kick people's butt.

We're going to behave like mature adults and go over there and ask for your

jacket back. Come on.

What, are you stalking me?

It's not enough that you come to my house and insult me, but you come to my

place of business as well?

Looks like your son did take my son's jacket.

Oh, really?

Well, it looks to me like your son has his own jacket.

No flake?

That's because I just bought it for him. Oh, yeah, sure.

Hey, look over there. That guy's wearing a Rolex watch.

I bet you that's yours, too, right, Charlie?

Because everything is Charlie's in Charlie Town.

Okay, there is an easy way to settle this. Let's just look inside the jacket

see if Justin's initials are in there. Hey, let go of my kid!

Hey,

leave the elf alone!

everything in the store. Cut!

Edwin, what are you doing with your eyes?

Nothing.

Exactly. Open them wider. If you can't make them sparkle, I've got 25 kids who

can.

All right, let's just jump ahead to the fairy speech.

Hey, Sally, what are you doing here?

I was just curious why Edwin's stress asthma has suddenly returned.

Cheers, sweetie.

Let's see.

What to do?

Oh, here's something.

Listen, I want you to imagine that you have the cutest, fluffiest little dog in

the world and you love him more than anything.

Can I call him Muffin?

Absolutely. Muffin's a great name.

Now, I want you to imagine Muffin being hit by a car.

I'll get a performance out of him yet.

Listen, Faith, this isn't about you. This is about the kids.

They're supposed to be having fun.

They're having loads of fun. You have to pull back.

Way back.

I will not compromise my artistic integrity.

Then I'm going to have to ask you to quit.

What if I don't want to quit?

Then you're fired.

Well, it shouldn't be up to you. It should be up to the children.

Kids, who here wants me to stay? Raise your hand.

If you want me to stay.

No, kids, you're confused.

Don't not raise your hands if you don't want me to not stay.

Faith, you're not directing this play.

Fine. Have it your way.

Children, as of this moment, you no longer have an acting coach.

And you can thank Mr.

Schnauzky.

if the fountain just stood there and the people could draw their own holiday

conclusions.

Honey, you're going to do great.

The play is going to be beautiful and everyone is going to love you.

Come on, buddy. It's cold out.

Hey, you got your jacket back.

What happened?

It was awesome. Dad was... Nope.

Justin, what do we say?

What? Rosald in Santa's Village?

Steve in Santa's Village.

All my friends went to go see The White Stripes, but I get to go see a sixth

-grade play.

Woo -hoo!

Faith, come on, let's go.

Why aren't you dressed?

After the humiliation you put me through, you're dreaming if you think

show my face at Buzz Aldrin Middle School.

I did not humiliate you.

Ow. What?

Oh, it's nothing.

Just a little sore from where you stabbed me in the back.

I'll just explain to Haley that her aunt cares more about herself than she does

her niece.

But you know what gets me?

You spend all that time directing those kids, and you miss the whole message of

the play.

Life is not about what you get.

It's about what you give.

Excuse me. I have to go to the theater.

It's pronounced theater!

I'm too ashamed to return home without a gift from my mother.

I'll spend the night sleeping by this fountain.

Hey,

look,

a shimmering sixpence.

I'll make a wish.

I wish I could buy my mother a wonderful gift to make her happy.

I said, I wish I could buy my mother a wonderful gift to make her happy.

Haley, that's your cue.

She knows those lines.

Come on, Haley.

Davy McDoodle, you have come to this magical fountain.

Maybe the fountain didn't hear the sixpence fall in the water.

Close the curtain.

No, wait.

When did you get here?

I've been here the whole time.

And by the way, I think I broke Justin's bike.

Edwin, can you improvise?

Sometimes founders don't come to life until you say hello in 30

different languages.

Spanish. Hola.

Chinese. Ni hao.

Italian.

Buongiorno.

understand.

About being scared?

Of course I understand.

I remember my first audition. I was terrified.

I was sweating and shivering the whole time.

You know what happened?

You froze up?

No, I got the job.

Turns out it was for a cold medicine.

Don't you see?

Being scared to do something and doing it anyway, that's what makes you strong.

And you are one of the strongest people I've ever met.

Really?

Really.

I love you, Aunt Faith.

I love you too, sweetie.

So what do you say?

You ready to go down?

So, let's see.

Have I done Hungarian yet?

Just to recap, the little kid here is bummed because he's broke, and there's a

magical wind, and voila, the fountain has come to life it.

Davy, you've come to this magical fountain every day.

And every day you wish for enough money to buy a gift for your poor mother.

But the truth is, it's not about the gifts you get.

It's about the love you give.

So go home, Davy McDoodle, and be with your family.

Because that's what the holidays are all about.

You were awesome, Haley. What a great night.

We are all so proud of you.

You were great.

And those five hours flew by.

Well, I couldn't have done it without Aunt Faith.

Where is Aunt Faith?