Original subtitles

No. What? Out. Why?

Sunday, football, go.

Sister, married, eight.

Okay, you can stay and watch, but you have to be quiet. This is a big game.

Don't worry. You won't even know I'm here.

See, now, why do they make them wear those helmets? You can't even pick out

cute ones.

I suppose you can tell something from their butts.

I'm starting to know you're here.

He's got a great butt.

Ooh, that guy's butt's better.

Whose butt do you prefer?

Where are you going? The guy's running with a thingy.

Yeah, well, just let me know if he scores the watch -a -ma -hoozy.

Ah, there she is. My favorite child.

I am not babysitting Aunt Faith again.

Please? I'll send you to college.

You made me watch four hours of The Sacred and the Sinful. On video?

In person.

She reenacted three weddings, two comas, and an exorcism.

Hey. Hey.

Guess what I'm doing.

I'm watching football with Faith.

It sucked.

Oh, she's driving us crazy.

Now, come on. She hasn't made any friends here yet. So even though it

challenging at times, we need to include her.

So? Why don't you include her in your book club tomorrow night? Yeah, she

start reading right now.

I doubt she'd be interested.

Interested in what?

Her book club. Oh, I love clubs.

When is it? Tomorrow night.

Oh, could you excuse us for a second?

Hey, you can excuse me until the playoffs.

Faith,

look, book club is the one thing that I do just for myself. I mean, Charlie even

takes the kids out so there won't be any interruptions. Oh, thank God.

Because as much as I love playing with the kids, I need some downtime.

I mean, it's to the point where I see them and I have to run the other way.

Okay.

What I'm trying to say is, book club is... Well, what I really need is... I'm

not a psychic! Spit it out!

I love you.

You're not invited.

Please don't be upset.

I'm not upset.

Not at all.

I don't need you or anyone else to have a good time.

Justin!

Come play beauty pageant with Aunt Faith again!

You'll make me snickerdoodles for Jerry's birthday.

All right, that's next week at the Oak Room. Just keep your husband away from

the karaoke machine, please.

How can one man know so many songs by air supply?

Just be glad you missed his MC Hammer face, okay?

pretend I'm not here.

I thought you went to a movie.

I was going to, but I hadn't finished my chores, and I know how you get.

You all remember my sister, Faith.

Yes, hello. Nice to see you again.

Please carry on. I just came down to get clean rags.

Oh, before I forget, I borrowed your book.

I couldn't put it down. What a read.

What a journey.

I was particularly moved by the flowers in the snow.

Really? Us too.

Oh, are those Hope's famous knicker doodles? Yes, would you like one?

I'd better not.

I'll just be upstairs in my room that I share with Hope's children.

Faith, could I have a word in the kitchen?

Was something not clean enough?

Now.

What do you think you're doing? Well, I was about to get started on the sheet.

Knock it. Get off.

How long were you listening on the stairs?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, right.

You made it look like you were Cinderella and I was the evil

Now there's an interesting metaphor.

Please.

All right.

If it means that much to you, you can come to book club. Oh, thank you, thank

you. You won't regret it. Now come upstairs and help me pick out what to

What you're wearing is fine.

Fine? Fine isn't going to turn any heads.

Stop. Right there.

No one cares what you're wearing. This is not about you or your life on the

or your thousands of boyfriends or your Emmy.

We're here to talk about the book. I get it, I get it. So jeans, cardigan, maybe

reading glasses on a chain.

Great news, everyone.

Faith is joining book club tonight.

Oh, welcome.

This is such an honor.

How about that book?

I was hooked on page one.

I'll tell you what hooked me. The photo of the author on the back cover.

I could take a dip in those dimples.

Moving beyond the cover. Is it your first book club? Yes, yes. I'm afraid I

didn't get a chance to read as much as I liked when I was on the soap.

Oh, yes.

Tell us. Oh, you must have a lot of wild stories.

Nope. Nope.

Not a one. It was surprisingly dull.

Let's talk about the book.

So, we were talking about Ileana finding the flowers in the snow.

Yes, I thought the snow was so oppressive.

I could really relate to her situation.

Because when I was trapped in that avalanche for three weeks and forced to

my half -sister... Getting back to the book. I love that storyline.

Was that the time your plane crashed in the Andes while you were bringing

vaccine to the villagers?

That plane crash was so terrifying.

Little secret, the set wasn't even moving. We were all just going like

No!

Oh, I have one.

Well, I suppose one margarita wouldn't hurt.

A special night out with me and my kids. All right, who's ready for a little

family fun? Come on.

Fun!

Why couldn't we go to the observatory?

Don't worry. I think you'll find just as many losers here.

Oh, come on.

Let's find a game we can all play together. Ooh, is that Mr. Boostball at

'clock? Cool!

Roadkill!

I'll be in the food court.

Well, looks like it's just you and me, kiddo.

Well, I thought maybe we could play a little... Good times.

Did your kids ditch you, too?

We have some unfinished business to attend to, you and I.

We're going home.

And prison is cold for something else.

You may have just proposed.

She didn't mean that.

She hates your hair.

I should have known better.

Faith was just doing what she always does, and I let it happen.

There's no one to blame here but me.

That's true.

You don't see that you had any part in it? Me?

What did I do?

Let's tally it up.

First, I said, I don't want you to come to book club.

And what did you do? I came to book club. Won nothing.

Second, I said I didn't want to go to a strip club.

And what did we do?

We went to a strip club. Honey, if you don't make these questions more

difficult, I'm totally going to win.

Third, I said I didn't want to toilet paper Mr. Murphy's house.

And what happened? We plastered the hell out of it. But you stayed in the car,

so I'm going to give you a half a point for that one. This isn't a game. You can

say that again.

Let's play I Spy.

Faith!

Okay, okay, I'm sorry I took over your book club.

But I can't help it if I'm fun and spontaneous.

You have to be the center of attention.

and make me feel like a big boar. You're not a boar. Not at all. You're a lot of

fun. Remember Cancun?

You're the one who got us all to parent sale. And remember those belly dancing

classes? Those were your ideas. After three kids, I didn't think this belly

could shake.

Yeah, it was a pretty good ab workout.

I thought book club was at our house, not the big house.

Ladies, your husbands are here. You're free to go.

the kids now, or do you want to just show them the mug shots in the morning?

Well, look on the bright side.

At least we have a headline for our family Christmas letter.

I'll be upstairs just in case you want to have a conjugal visit.

Hmm.

Hope goes good with a big sister lecture.

There's not going to be a lecture.

I'm going to bed.

Okay, but you know what they say, never go to bed angry.

I'm not angry.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Okay.

Hmm, that looks good. Pizza ice cream.

Ooh, nothing says I told you so like waffle smothered in hard feelings and

blame.

See, this is what drives me crazy. All you do is make jokes.

Why can't you just be real for once?

What are you talking about? I'm always real.

No, you're not. You always have to be on. Like tonight.

It's not enough that you're just part of my book club. You have to be the life

of the party.

That's what people like about me.

No, it isn't.

Are you always on with your friends?

I don't know.

I don't have any friends.

Of course you do.

You have lots of friends out there in Hollywood. Like Stan.

You two were inseparable.

He was my publicist.

What about Jim?

Agent.

Richard and Doreen? Trainer. Psychic.

They're still your friends.

Were.

We seem to have grown apart.

You know, since I stopped.

Paying them.

I don't believe that.

I'm not like you, Hope.

You have real friends that want to hang out with you for no apparent reason.

Thanks a lot.

You know what I mean.

You don't have to be rich or famous for people to like you.

Neither do you.

You just have to be yourself.

That's so boring.

Can I be a little fabulous?

Trust me. With you, a little fabulous goes a long way.

How about those waffles?

Hey, you know what goes great with waffles?

Margaritas.

Or milk.

Milk is good.

Okay, everyone check your order. Make sure they got it right.

I didn't get my whistle.

I'm sick of eating out.

I'm sorry. We have to until your mother finishes her community service. Excuse

me. You forgot our fries.

Fries!

Next time, try to speak directly into the clown's mouth.