Original subtitles

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I can't watch.

What's happening?

Did she go in the room?

What was that?

Is the killer there?

He's there, isn't he?

Isn't he?

Hey, I was watching that.

Oh, Sydney should be home soon. What time is it?

It's almost 11.

Hey, remember how Mom would set an alarm clock so she wouldn't fall asleep

before our curfew? She was so uptight.

The brownies are ready.

Ooh, brownies!

Nice work. You got her into the kitchen.

Another 3 ,000 miles and we're home free.

It's the third degree.

Penny, how was the movie?

It was awesome. It was me, Jenny, Steve, Vicki, and guess who?

James!

Come on, I'll tell you everything.

I know she's a teenager and I'm just her mother and all, but it's not like I'm

some uptight fuddy -duddy.

But you know in the end we can laugh about it. We will know we can drive each

other crazy.

You know we don't have to worry.

We will live, we will laugh, and we'll love each other anyway.

La, la, la, la, la, la.

Are Mom and Dad home?

Why? Do I need to get the hickey scarf again?

I failed my geography midterm and I have to get it signed. I'm so dead.

Okay, first of all, this huge blue state, that's the ocean.

Look, I picked all the tomatoes from our garden. We don't have a garden.

So then that's not our jacuzzi either.

Hey, Aunt Faith, can my teacher have your autograph?

Why, of course. Maybe now you'll get an A.

Sydney, an A is the letter that looks like a teepee.

Come on, Faith. Hop in the box.

Shanowski Summer Home. Summer home, summer not.

James. Dad, give me the phone. James who? James Taylor?

James Earl Jones?

James and the Giant Peach?

What do we know about this James, anyway?

We know he's desperate.

He's 17, just moved here from California, and he plays the guitar.

I don't like that we haven't met him. I've met him, and he's adorable.

You met him?

When? The other day, after school.

Oh. Well, I just think any guy who's interested in a girl should at least

introduce himself to her parent. I mean, if it's a gentleman.

You're right.

Oh, my God!

It's my high school diploma!

Oh, I'll never forget graduation day.

I was wearing my baby blue gown. It was so beautiful. And when they called my

name and crowned me queen... Faith, that was the prom.

You didn't go to your graduation.

You were in Hollywood doing star search.

And let me tell you, that Ed McMahon sure is handsy.

Anyway, I may not have been there for the ceremony, but no one can take away

this.

Hey, my diploma.

It's not in here.

Maybe it's just too embarrassed to come out.

Attention all lactose intolerant students.

Apparently, today's lunch special was not dairy -free.

Anyone experiencing bloating or gasp should report to nurse Faith Fairfield.

Gloria Wright?

Yes! I have to ask you, what was it like kissing Taylor Nash?

On the show?

Or in my dressing room?

Faith seems to have misplaced her high school diploma, and we were wondering if

you could get us a copy.

Let me just...

Hop down to the basement. See what I can do. Thank you, Gloria.

Mrs. Konowski.

Oh, Mr. Lewis.

Hello. Welcome back.

So, how are things down under?

It's a rather personal question, isn't it?

No, I'm talking about your cruise to Australia.

Sidney said that's why her aunt had to sign her failed midterm.

Sidney failed her midterm?

And you signed it? No, I didn't.

Did I?

Hugs and kisses, as I recall.

Could you excuse us for a minute?

Faith, I didn't know it was her midterm. She told me her teacher wanted my

autograph. I swear.

Sidney Shanowski, report to the principal's office immediately.

Don't look at me like that.

You're the one that went to Australia without me.

Not enough that you failed your midterm, but tricking your Aunt Faith into

signing it? That was really very clever.

In a very bad way.

This is becoming a habit, young lady.

And it stops right now.

Sidney, you're grounded for one month. That means no telephones, no TV, and no

James. No James?

That's not fair!

Aunt Faith!

Well, a month really is a very long time.

of time to think about what you've done wrong.

Because?

Because there are more important things in life than boys.

Such as?

Such as?

Measuring textbooks.

No, education.

Thank you.

I'm just saying that because they want you to. That is not true, Sydney.

You can have fun in life.

and still get an education.

And I have a little piece of paper to prove it.

Honey, you gotta pick up your cues.

Actually, Miss Fairfield, you failed your 12th grade French final, so

technically, you didn't graduate high school.

Okay, you got me. Where are the cameras?

Aunt Faith is a high school dropout, and she became a famous soap star.

Who now sleeps in the twin bed next to you.

Look, Sydney, your Aunt Faith might not have a diploma now, but that's going to

change.

Because... I don't want to play anymore.

Because she's going to study her butt off and retake that French final and

graduate.

You are?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I don't care how long it takes.

I don't care what I have to do.

But I will get my diploma, Sidney.

All right, Sidney, back to class.

Okay, what's it going to take to buy a diploma?

Ah,

school, knowledge, academia.

I'm very uncomfortable here.

Come on. You'll be fine.

Now, I have a PTA meeting at 5 o 'clock.

I'll meet you in the house afterwards, okay? Okay.

Aunt Faith!

Hi! Oh, Mom, what are you doing here?

Just taking your aunt to French class so she can pass that final and join the

ranks of educated women.

Yeah, right. It isn't enough you grounded me. You have to come spy on me,

That's not true. Well, you don't have to.

James and I have totally different schedules. I haven't seen or talked to

since last Tuesday.

Way to go, Hope.

She missed their one -week anniversary.

That's the foundation for everything.

When her schoolwork and attitude improve, she can see Jane.

You just don't want me to be happy.

How can you stand seeing her like that?

I have to do what's best for her.

Can't you come with me? You know how I hate to be the oldest person in a room.

Thank you. I mean Murphy.

It's pronounced Melfi.

How do you pronounce Luzer?

Hey, hey, Count Dorkula, back here with the cool kids.

I like to be able to see the boards.

Hey, look.

It's James.

Hi, James.

Do you remember me?

What am I saying? Of course he does.

And this is Sidney's mom, Hope.

Miss Schanowski, it's so nice to meet you.

I'm sorry if I distracted Sidney from her schoolwork, and I totally respect

decision to ground her.

Glad to have your support.

So, who's the girl you walked in with?

Oh, her? Just a friend.

My heart belongs to your daughter.

Oh?

Bonjour, class.

I am the Fuhrer Garrett.

Please take your seats.

Madame Schanowski.

What did he say?

Loosely translated, I'm just a snake who can't be trusted with your daughter.

Wow, he's like fluent.

Excuse me, ladies.

If you're through chit -chatting, perhaps we can begin.

Je m 'excuse.

Ah, parlez -vous français?

Oui, un petit peu. Je m 'appelle O.

Janowski. Mais ça fait longtemps que j 'ai... No one likes a show -off.

First up.

Let's review conjugating irregular verbs.

For example, the infinitive au revoir.

To want.

I want to get out of here.

Shh. I want to know where he got that tie.

Stop. We're trying to conjugate.

Look what I mean.

It's a cootie catcher. Oh.

Put it away.

Come on.

Don't you want to know who you're going to marry next?

No. Could be David Cassidy.

All right.

Four.

Is my teaching interrupting your talking?

Sorry.

That means now.

I know.

Getting back to verb conjugation.

Let's begin by conjugating the verb in the first person.

Remember, class, when conjugating irregular verbs, it is important to

remember the numerous exceptions to the rule.

No one will be home this afternoon.

Why don't you come over at 4 .30 for a little tête -à -tête?

Oh, Sidney, there you are.

Hurry up. You've got to get ready. James won't be here any minute.

James? Yeah.

Are you serious? What about Mom? She won't be home for a while, and 20 quick

make -out minutes isn't going to hurt anybody.

You're so cool.

Okay, but then you're going to have to study.

I will.

I promise.

Okay.

What did I wear?

Well, you want him to love you for your mind.

What? I'm kidding. Your good butt jeans and your pink midriff.

Hi, James.

Come on in.

So, uh, we're all alone?

Yeah, everyone's gone, but we don't have much time. 20 minutes tops.

Oh, that's plenty.

I just want to thank you for doing this.

It's my pleasure.

Can I get you something to drink?

Got rock.

Or water. Water's good. Is my skateboard okay out there?

You seem nervous.

No, I'm not nervous.

It's just that, uh...

Has the 20 minutes started yet?

You are so cute. Now listen, I want you to make the most of it because this may

be your only chance to do this.

But if it goes well, can we do it again?

Don't get greedy, mister. You should consider yourself pretty lucky.

Oh, believe me, I do.

This is like the greatest day of my life.

Listen, why don't you make yourself comfortable and I'll put on some music.

Okay. You know, I don't want you to get the wrong idea.

I really don't like sneaking around like this.

But I figure... Once is not gonna hurt anybody, you know.

So do you sleep with a lot of high school kids, or... What?

What are you doing? You said we only had 20 minutes, so...

No, I can't.

What are you doing?

Your aunt passed me a note. She said she wanted me to come over for a ten -a

-ten. A ten -a -ten?

Not with me. With Cindy.

With Cindy?

How could you do this? How could I not?

What'd you break?

Nothing. Can't a girl be thrilled to see her favorite brother -in -law?

Oh, no, not the car.

Hi, honey. Hi, Daddy.

Okay, what's going on? Nothing.

Oh,

my God.

What? I just realized. I forgot to get parsley for dinner tonight.

You're having parsley for dinner?

Yes, and you have to go get some right now.

And make sure you get the pressure. Stop.

Something's going on here.

What makes you think that?

Well, for starters, you and your sister appear to be on the same side.

Last time that happened, I had to sit through the divine secrets of the ya -ya

sisterhood.

Okay, but you have to promise not to get upset. Just tell me what's going on.

We all just got our periods.

Parsley it is.

Go to your room.

Not you.

You. Mom!

Now!

Give me one good reason I don't throw you out of my house right now. Because

your sister.

And you love me.

when you were Sidney's age, and you're still doing it. You were right. I was

wrong. That boy is a snake.

That boy is not the problem.

You are.

Ever since you moved in, Sidney's attitude has changed, her grades have

down, and it's all because of you.

You're just as immature as she is. Why?

Because I can relate to Sidney?

Because when she talks, I listen?

You're just jealous.

You're right.

I am jealous.

Don't you think I'd like to go shopping with her and talk about boys and be

cool?

But I'm her mother, not her best friend.

It's my job to protect her.

But I need your help.

You're not just her cool aunt.

You're like another parent to her.

Yes.

And you have to start thinking like one.

I never thought of it like that before.

I'm a parent.

No snacks before bed.

Put your seatbelt on, young lady. I don't care how fat you think you look.

You're going to school.

I can do this.

I know you can.

Because you love Sidney just as much as we do.

That's true.

And I want... Excuse me.

I... To be a good example.

So I'm going to go to the library with my French books and study so I can pass

my exam and get my diploma.

Thank you.

Button up, it's cold out there.

No running with a fork in your mouth.

What do we say about tattoos?

No boys' names unless you're sure it's love.

You okay?

I guess.

I sent James home.

Whatever.

Without his clothes.

Now look.