Original subtitles

Oh, hey, thanks for letting me come over to watch the fight.

Why don't you just get the deluxe cable package?

I can't afford that.

There's either sports channels or sex channels.

I stand by my choice.

Eat them, boys.

Hey, Mr. Savage.

You're not my boys. Who the hell are you?

I'm Mikey, Kyle's friend.

Oh, right.

Where's Kyle?

I don't know. Try the living room.

Oh, and you're out of mayonnaise.

Mikey's right, Nick.

No mayo.

Two pounds?

Try it.

Oh!

Piledriver! Piledriver!

What is going on?

It's Saturday night.

Welcome to my life.

Want me to get the hoe?

Watch this.

Man,

your dad's home.

See ya.

Only thing that lousy CD is good for is clearing out the house.

Angela, you don't have to go.

It's okay. I can hear your dad yell from across the street.

How rude.

Yeah, I have to see some of those people in detention.

Why don't you guys ever hang out at your friends' houses?

Because their parents have nice things that they don't want broken.

Well, just one weekend, I'd like to be able to sit at home and watch TV.

Yeah, your buddies treat this place like they own it.

Oh, hey, Nick, I'm going to grab a quick bath.

I hope you're not out of that strawberry shampoo.

There's got to be some place you can go.

Well, we used to hang out at the bowling alley until it burned down because

someone took too long to get there.

And we're all banned from the mall for pantsing Santa.

And the park smells like hobo pee.

Shouldn't the town provide a place for kids to go? Yeah, a place that smells

like kids' pee.

Longmeadow's got a teen center.

Plus, they have that wicked Long Meadow.

You know what?

You're right.

This town needs a teen center.

And we're going to get them to open one.

How? By going to a town meeting and getting involved.

That's a great idea, Dad. Let us know how it turns out.

Oh, no, no. You're coming with me.

What? It'll give you a chance to see democracy in action.

You might enjoy it.

And while the town bylaws limit shrub hedges to a height of 42 inches, I do

not believe we have adequately defined what is a shrub and what is a bush.

Dad? Yes?

I'm not enjoying it.

And so, in conclusion, I move that we form a committee to study the shrub and

bush controversy.

All those in favor say aye.

Aye. All opposed, nay.

Nay.

Why don't they just say yes and no?

Because they're idiots.

The ayes have it.

All right. Any other new business?

Uh, I'm Nick Savage, and, uh...

I think the town should provide a place where our kids can hang out.

Hmm.

Nay.

Any other new business?

Wait a minute.

We just spent an hour talking about shrubs.

Yeah, and you don't have nay power.

According to parliamentary procedure, once you've seated the floor, you're

compelled to hear his proposal and put it to vote.

I remember you.

You were the student mayor for a day.

You tried to have me impeached.

Look, all I'm saying is you got to listen to my dad, okay?

Dad, I cede the floor back to you.

Thank you, Sam.

Mr. Councilman, we need a positive place for our teenagers.

Allow me to illustrate.

Here's a young boy just entering his formative years.

The kid who delivers your newspapers.

who mows your lawns for a buck.

But in a town with no teen center, here he is four years

later.

Hey, is this what you want?

Lowering your property values?

Stealing from your stores?

Dating your daughters?

Actually, I'm dating your daughter.

And I'm lowering your property values.

And I'm stealing from your stores.

Mr. Councilman, I move we put the teen center issue to a vote.

Seconded. All in favor.

Aye.

Let the record show that a teen center will be established in the community

downstairs.

And it will be run by Nick Savage.

If that's all the new business... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nay, nay, nay.

We second those names. I wasn't suggesting I should run it.

Oh, I see. You just want to be part of the problem and not the solution.

You want the town to babysit your hooligans while you sit at home and

Boy, he's got your number.

Well, the town has no money to hire someone until the next fiscal quarter,

you don't get it started, there's no teen center.

That's okay, Dad.

Our house is practically a teen center anyway.

I'll do it. Meeting adjourned.

Democracy, Doctor.

Well, I'm not much on making speeches, but I believe it was Will Rogers who

said... Open the door, Dad. No one cares.

All right, all right. Scissors.

What the hell are these?

Cuticle scissors.

Nice, huh?

I hereby declare the Westside Teen Center open.

open ten seconds.

Yeah, I got that same poster in my room.

Not anymore.

This place is really cool, Dad.

Yeah. To be honest, we thought it was going to suck.

Thanks. I mean, real suck.

To be honest, so did I.

Then the town really got behind it and it all started coming together.

Now I feel like it's kind of my baby.

This place is great.

Yeah. Kids think I like it. You're talking about all the hot single moms.

me?

Hi.

I'm Jimmy Savage.

Welcome to my teen center.

Now, do your parents know what time to pick you up?

I am a parent.

No.

Gloria Milford.

Eddie's mom.

I don't believe it.

I'm going to need to see some ID.

And a phone number?

Okay, everybody having fun?

Very quickly, I just have one rule.

No farting.

No, seriously.

The only rule is to have a blast.

Oh, and one more thing. One more thing.

No cursing, no smoking, no fighting, and most importantly, no not having fun.

out any equipment on the old sign -out sheet.

That's all I ask.

What are you all looking at me for? You're supposed to be having fun.

Go in.

Oh, T .J., look, Dracula just walked in.

No Dracula.

What's your name? I'll make a song out of it.

Mahalia.

What's your name?

Man, just caring about kids' scams is great.

I got three single moms' phone numbers, all various degrees apart.

How you doing, huh?

I got a number from one mom.

In case her son's diarrhea flares up.

Was he hot?

Jimmy, I don't have time to pick up women. I've been busy all night trying

make this a fun, safe place.

Hey, can I get a little, uh... Hey, kids.

We were just talking, Mr. Savage.

Who needs a refill?

No, thanks, Dad.

Come on, it's free.

No, thanks, Dad.

Dad thinks I'm a total slut.

Well, you're my little slut.

That sounded much cuter in my head.

Look out. Here it comes.

That's it. Let it roll.

Flip it. Flip it.

I'm sorry. Do you want to play?

No, no.

It's your team, thinner.

Hey, Jack, I'm going to turn your guitar down just a hair.

What do you say we keep it under two, huh? Two?

Hey, a little common courtesy won't kill you.

Check this out, Gladys.

Behind the back.

Whoa, whoa, careful.

You could hurt your spine doing that.

Here, let me show you a safer way.

My day we call this the sissy stick.

Awesome.

Line it up like so, and then gently tap.

Oh, hold on. I can do this.

Hey, Jack, you want to go with us? We're going up to Bose Mountain.

Why? Because your dad isn't.

Man, Dad is annoying everybody.

No. He's being all friendly and helpful.

It's creepy.

He's got to go.

Yeah. All right.

All in favor of getting rid of Dad?

Aye.

Opposed? Nay.

Okay. Let's go over how this works again.

Dad,

you got a second?

Hold on.

Slow down, cowboy.

You find those paddles out?

I'll try, but the final pin's missing.

Attention, everybody.

The sign -out pen is missing.

It's not a big deal.

No one's in trouble.

But if I could just get everyone against this wall over here... Dad!

What, you have the pen? No, no, we just wanted to say that you've done a great

job, and every kid in this town knows you with debt of gratitude.

Now go home.

What are you talking about?

Your work here is done, Dad. Now you can enjoy the house without kids making

noise, eating your food, making out in your bed.

I wish I could go home, but the town council says there has to be an adult on

the premises at all times.

He's an adult?

Hypothetically.

So if Uncle Jimmy said he'd stay, then you could go, right?

Oh, I suppose so. Uncle Jimmy, you want to be in charge so Dad can go home?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

I'll get your coat.

Thanks for all your effort.

Oh, Dad, by the way, the sign -o -pen, it's behind your ear.

Damn it.

Enjoy the house, Dad.

You've earned it. Yeah, relax, have a beer, and take comfort in knowing that

you've made a safe haven for the town's greatest resource.

It's children.

Where's the pork chop?

Where's the pork chop?

Here it is.

Whoa, gone again.

That's fun, right, boy?

Right?

Hey,

fun's a two -way street, you know.

Hey, how'd the rest of your evening go?

Everybody have enough fun?

How was your night, Dad?

Fun.

Oh, shut up.

So how'd it go with your Uncle Jimmy in charge?

It was okay, Dad.

Of course, he was not nearly as good as you.

Really? Oh, yeah. You were totally missed.

You don't say.

To the words, he's gone, let the fun begin, ring a bell.

You were eavesdropping?

That was a private conversation between me and everybody in the teen center.

I'm the reason you guys have that place.

How could you kick me out?

Don't take this the wrong way, but everybody hated you.

They did?

Why? Dad, you were on everybody's face all night.

Yeah, making sure everybody was getting along, having a good time, not getting

hurt. What were you thinking, Dad?

You should have been like Uncle Jimmy.

He just sits and talks on the phone with girls and does his nails.

Hey, let's just do our own thing.

So you want someone who doesn't get involved or give a damn?

I can do that.

I can do that in my sleep.

We're sorry, Dad. If you want to come back, like once a week or on certain

holidays.

No, no. You made your choice.

Just don't come crying to me when something goes wrong or somebody gets

because Jimmy's too busy making dates.

That won't happen.

We'll see.

Oh, Dad?

Yeah? I probably should have said this to you before, but I need 15 dozen

cupcakes for the school bake sale tomorrow.

Me too.

Take your time.

Line it up.

Should I shoot now?

Oh, no, you gotta take your time.

Now, the Akito watching a good break is to stand close to your partner.

That way, you may confer on your next move.

Hey, Chris, Tito won't get off the pinball machine. You beat her up.

Beat her up yourself.

Okay.

Aunt Bray.

Uncle Jimmy was supposed to restock the kitchen.

Why don't we make a list and then I'll... Can I get that back? What are

you doing?

Playing dark tag.

You should go get your uncle.

Where did you learn how to do this?

Worked my way through college in a Vietnamese nail salon.

Hey, Uncle Jimmy, things are getting kind of crazy out there. I wish I could

join you, buddy, but I'm about to give her a French tip.

No, I mean bad crazy.

As long as everybody's having a good time, okay?

Switch.

Tina,

you're hurting me.

Somebody help!

Hear ye, hear ye.

It's jousting time.

Sir Kyle of Savage, you're gonna spear your royal butt.

You friggin' wish.

Guys, we gotta do something. Someone's gonna get hurt.

So?

Then Dad will find out he was right and we'll never hear the end of it. We gotta

do something.

Hey! On your mark!

Shut up!

What's wrong with you people?

From now on, no fighting over the games, no jousting, and no dart tag.

And Kenny, turn down the guitar, man.

A little calm and courtesy won't kill you.

We're in charge here now, and you're going to follow our rules. Do I make

clear?

C -17.

What?

C -17.

I loaded it in for emergency.

Hey, hey, can you shut that off? It's killing the mood in here. Oh, hi, Nick.

Got everything under control, Jimmy?

Well, as you can see, it's a slow night, so... All in favor of rehiring

Dad? Aye!

Opposed? Nay!

Look, the point is, we want you back, Dad.

Yeah. Hmm.

Nay!

All those in favor of hanging out at the house, getting pizza, and driving me

crazy? Aye!

Can we bring the air hockey table?

As long as you sign it out.