Original subtitles

We should have killed him when we had the chance. Now he's going to kill us.

I've got to go to the bathroom.

We're in the bathroom.

I can't go with people watching.

This is ridiculous.

You're five grown men.

Okay, sit.

How did we get ourselves into these messes?

Oh, look, there's giant Jimmy Neutron.

And giant Bart Simpson and giant Spider -Man and giant... Okay, they're all

giant. Got it.

Hey, did you know that each balloon contains 12 ,000 cubic feet of helium

takes two dozen people to control it?

You listen to parade commentators. You learn things.

It'd be so cool if all those balloons started coming alive and killing

everybody.

Oh, there's Santa.

Hey, guys.

Me and Angela are just going to be out on the front porch kissing.

Hold my call.

What a jerk.

I'm going to put all his calls through.

You know, Sam, you don't have to tell your brothers every time we're going to

kiss. Yeah, I do.

This is the first time in 15 years that they've envied me.

But you're captain of the Mascoteers and treasurer of the ping pong club.

Those titles don't generate the kind of envy you'd think.

Oh, I almost forgot. My mother asked if you wanted to come over for Thanksgiving

dinner. I know it's short notice, but... I wish I could, but... See, my dad's

got this thing about Thanksgiving.

Every year we watch the Three Stooges Marathon on TV and have a turkey dinner

the meatery.

The gay bar?

No, that's le meatery.

But, uh, tell your mom I said thanks.

It'd be nice to see what a normal family Thanksgiving is like.

I don't think our families are that different.

Has anyone in your family ever fought the dog over a drumstick?

Or put a turkey carcass on their head and said they were the Pope of

Thanksgiving?

Okay, you win.

Are you sure you can't come over?

I just couldn't do that to my dad.

That's so sweet.

Oh, what time should I be there?

Really? Well, what about your dad?

He's got four other kids. He won't even notice I'm gone.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. It'll be fine. Let's kiss.

You're abandoning the family on Thanksgiving?

You know it's my favorite holiday.

That's because you don't have to buy us presents.

Yes, but it's more than that.

After your mother split, I wanted to create a day that would be just for us

guys, with no outside distractions.

Two minutes to suges.

Give me the remote.

Why don't I invite Angela's family over here?

You're joking, right?

What? You ashamed of us?

Well, yeah.

I can barely stand eating here.

Tell you what, Sam.

If you and Angela are still together next Thanksgiving... What? Why wouldn't

be? Did she say something?

Oh, yeah. Me and Angela are always gossiping.

Come on, Sam.

You don't want to miss me doing the Pope of Thanksgiving. Yeah.

Come on. It's holiday classic.

Please, Dad. I promise I'll stay home for Christmas, New Year's, even Father's

Day.

Please? You want to have dinner with complete strangers instead of your own

family, then by all means, go.

Thanks.

I was being sarcastic.

I know, but you said yes.

You're really bailing on us, huh? I'm not bailing on you. I'm just celebrating

Thanksgiving with my new family.

He's dead to me.

Kyle. Dead!

He's still your brother.

No, he's not.

He's Angela's brother now.

Oh, Stooges are on. Yeah!

Spread out, knuckleheads. It's time for the Channel 37 Three Stooges

Thanksgiving Marathon.

I've enjoyed saying that for the past 15 years, but now we're starting a whole

new Thanksgiving tradition.

Huh?

It's the Designing Women Marathon.

Designing women?

About four middle -aged ladies.

Who hit each other with hammers?

I'm afraid not.

Somebody poke my eyes out!

And my ears!

I can't believe it's Thanksgiving and we've got no Sam and no Stooges. We're

down four loved ones.

Come on, we still got dinner at the meatery.

You mean the meatery.

Oops.

I'm gonna have to change that reservation.

Come on, boys, let's get dressed for the restaurant. I want you to look nice.

Hey, Dad, why do we have to get dressed up?

We're gonna be sitting at a table.

Yeah, no one will see us from here down.

We really don't even need pants.

I'm not having the no pants at dinner discussion again. Now get upstairs and

dressed.

Five alarm fire.

Great. Well, you boys can still go to dinner.

Here's a little extra for a movie.

Sorry, boys.

Really wanted this to be a great Thanksgiving.

Should we see that movie about the haunted hot tub that sucks people in by

hair? Yeah, the suckening.

Poor Dad.

Yeah, his big day gets trashed, and now he's got to go stand in fire.

Yeah,

poor Dad.

Let's go to the movies.

Hey, why don't we surprise Dad by making Thanksgiving dinner?

Yeah, we can have it ready tonight by the time he gets home from work. Yeah,

we could surprise him with a big bucket of popcorn from the movies.

Thanksgiving licorice.

Come on, guys. Every year, Dad tries to make Thanksgiving special for us. So

this year, the least we can do is make it special for him.

Technically, the least we can do is nothing, Buzz.

So you decide.

Nothing or a movie.

Hmm. Let's vote. Who wants to make Thanksgiving dinner for Dad?

Who wants to go to the movies?

Ow! Ow!

You made the right decision.

Sam, you know my parents? Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Anderson.

Good to see you again. Hello, Sam.

Samuel. And this is my dad's brother, Uncle Bob.

Sammy boy.

Pow.

And my grandmother, Grammy Nana.

Excuse me?

We call her Grammy Nana.

Hello, Grammy Nana.

Grammy Nana.

What did I say?

Never mind, dear. Just sit down.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Everything matches.

Oh, look, Angela, my napkin's shaped like a turkey.

Thanks for noticing, Sam. Each one took me three hours, and... Oh! Those

are just... They're just the show napkins.

We use the ones underneath.

Smooth. the move, ex -lax.

Sorry. Napkins at my house usually come in the bag with the food.

I have noticed quite a few food delivery vehicles at your house. One time your

pizza man accidentally rang our doorbell. Remember, sweetheart?

Oh, yes.

What a night.

Well, let's get started.

All right.

Oh, I mean, let's get... started saying what we're thankful for.

Oh, sorry.

Nice play, Shakespeare.

It's okay, Sam.

Why don't I get the ball rolling?

I'm thankful for my wonderful, loving family and for this bountiful meal that

we're so fortunate to share on this glorious day.

And I'm also thankful for my family.

especially Angela, who brought us this young man who is so delightful,

and hungry.

Your turn, Sam. Oh, okay.

Well, first, I'm thankful you're not mad about the napkin thing.

And to be welcomed into this wonderful, clean home with real silverware, not

plastic, and the butter in its own dish, and the candles that smell like

cranberry.

Perfect. family who would never put a turkey carcass on their head.

Oh, I'm also thankful for... Before Christmas, Sam.

In conclusion, thank you for showing me the true meaning of family Thanksgiving.

Oh, your turn, Bob.

Well, I'm just thankful this guy's done talking. Let's eat.

Okay, I found a website that shows us how to cook a turkey. So we'll be ready

when Jack and Kyle get back from the storm.

The National Turkey Council, in conjunction with the International

Federation, presents Thanksgiving Safety Tips for Gobble

Gobble Day.

Hi.

I'm Officer Steve Cox.

The whole world loves Thanksgiving, isn't that right, Mindy?

Well, actually, in my country... But would they still love it if they knew

their turkey was stuffed with... death?

That's right.

I said... death.

If you don't properly thaw your bird, you could get so thick, you could spend

your entire holiday season on top of...

The kitchen toilet.

And your Thanksgiving holiday will be... Down

the drain.

What the hell was that?

Take it out.

Slowly.

Easy.

Now that's what I call a safely cooked turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving, baby.

You too, Steve.

I'll pick a cox.

That would be so cool to have a toilet in the kitchen.

The grocery store was out of turkey, so we had to get one somewhere else.

Where'd you get that?

Turkey farm out on Route 20. He was the only one left.

Poor fella.

Nobody picked him for Thanksgiving.

That means he would have gotten to live.

It's ill -embarrassing.

How are we supposed to cook it? I'm not killing him. Me neither.

Here. We'll fill him full of cough syrup, wait till he falls asleep, and

throw him in the oven.

And cook him alive?

That's real humane.

Oh, he'll be so doped up he won't even care.

Hey there, little buddy.

What's that?

You've got a cough?

No.

There's got to be a nicer way to do it.

Aw, why don't you hug him to death?

Why don't you hug my butt?

I'll hug it with my foot up it.

I'd like to see you try.

So would I. Then do it.

You do it.

You want me to put your foot up my butt?

Hey, where'd the turkey go?

sound like that? They sound like this.

Both wrong.

It's more like... Yeah, that is pretty good.

Sounds like he's over there.

Ow! Oh, something bit me.

Oh, you're such a...

Needless indicuts, to be precise.

Wow. Can I give thanks again?

No, it's not necessary. Your constant thanks is thanks enough.

Hey, take it easy, Sammy. Yeah, this isn't a thing thing.

Sorry. At my house, I sit next to the dog, and he's always trying to steal

off my plate.

You eat on the floor?

No,

the dog sits at the table.

Actually, he's the only one that chews with his mouth closed.

I hate dogs.

I was once mauled by a collie.

More gravy?

Wow, is this a gravy boat?

Yes, but don't let the name fool you.

It can also be used for sauces.

Wow, my brothers could see me using a gravy boat.

They'd be impressed.

No, they'd beat me to a pulp.

Sounds pretty rough and tumble, as they say on the TV crime programs.

Hey, Skipper, how about sending the gravy boat down to the next port, huh?

Was this really made in 1776?

That's right.

It's been in our family for over 200 years.

Wow. Must be worth a fortune.

Oh, it is.

And you're probably wondering why it isn't at my house.

really thought about it, sir.

Bob, don't. The boy's demanding the truth. And that's what he's gonna get.

Oh, God, here we go.

If I'd given it to you, you would have lost it in one of your divorces or

it for opium.

Don't listen to her, Sam. She's a liar.

Go ahead.

Ask her if she's a liar.

She'll say no.

Sam, would you have given something so valuable to a thrice -divorced opium

fiend? Would you, Sam?

I... This isn't about the gravy boat, Bob.

This is about me marrying Jeff instead of you.

Judy, don't. Yes, Judy, please don't. It needs to be said. We can't all pretend

it doesn't exist.

Like Eleanor.

God, thank you, Judy. You promised you wouldn't bring up Eleanor today.

Who's Eleanor?

Sam, don't.

Eleanor is Nana's roommate.

For the last... time. We are just sharing expenses.

And a bed.

Oh.

That's it. Give me back my damn boat.

It's a gift. It's ours.

Enough. I'm putting the gravy boat back in the hutch. You mean the same hutch

that was supposed to be my wedding gift?

She was 16.

It was Thailand. Things are different there.

And it was. I'm so sorry.

Angela. It's my fault. I should have told you not to mention the gravy boat.

Do you want to go back to my house?

I never thought I'd say this, but it might be a bit more civilized.

See that babe standing outside in her bra?

Jimmy, her home burned down.

I'm not saying it's not tragic. I'm just saying, wowee, wow, wow.

There's nothing out here.

What, was there a burglar in the house? No, it was a burglar.

Happy Thanksgiving, Dad.

Yeah, when you're two feet tall and weigh 175 pounds, you're just asking for

Give me a drumstick, Dad, so I can bite Henley.

You know, at Angela's house, they all say what they're thankful for.

Okay. Jack, why don't you start?

Um, I'm thankful for... Girls.

Girls. Girls. Girls.

This girl.

You liking this girl?

between armpit fart and regular fart.

We'll come back to you.

You know what I'm thankful for?

That I have five sons who would do something as stupid as steal a turkey so

I could have a happy Thanksgiving.

And girls.

That's the gravy.

Regular fart.

Definitely regular fart.

Officer Steve Cox here with another Thanksgiving safety tip.

Turkeys are loaded with a drug called tryptophan.

On the street, it's sometimes known as trip, purple poultry dust, crystal

giblets, and one other name I can't remember.

In small doses, it is harmless.

But if you pig out, you could be eating dessert in hell.

Just ask Misty here.

Happy holidays to you too.