Original subtitles

Hey, you gotta call a shot first.

Okay. Swedish meatball, a potato tot, and a corner pocket.

Yes!

Pay up, losers. No way, the pocket moved.

You guys have been cooped up all day.

Why don't you go outside and toss around the old meatloaf?

Who wants light bulbs?

Me! Me!

Me! Wait, did you just say light bulbs?

I thought I said light beer.

Yeah, I went down to Gene's Hardware Store to get a light bulb. He gave me a

dozen for free.

Oh! Picked up your dry cleaner, too, Nick.

Also free.

Why is everyone giving you free stuff?

Are you dying?

A lot of stores won't take money from firemen when they're on duty.

Because if they don't give you free stuff, you don't put out their fires.

Very cool, Dad.

No. It's because it's their way of saying thanks for the job that we do.

Which is why we don't take advantage of the uniform by wearing it when we're off

duty.

You should get some free stuff for yourself, Dad.

Like a bike or a monkey.

Or a gun.

Or a monkey.

You know, a fireman's uniform means a lot more to me than free stuff.

My father wore that uniform.

And I'd like to think that one day one of my sons will wear it, too.

What? Well, no offense, Dad, but we have other plans that don't involve fire.

Yeah. I'm going to be a rock star, a movie star, some kind of star. Not a

star.

I plan on kicking around the NFL for two years and then living off my supermodel

wife.

That used to be my dream.

All I know is I can't think of anything more rewarding than saving lives or

homes.

Oh, hey, we've got to work tonight.

Ah, damn it. It's my day off.

What happened to saving lives? Not on my day off.

Full pleasure.

Got it for free?

What am I supposed to do with Kyle and TJ?

Okay, I need one of you to stay home tonight, and what's your brother's?

Not me.

I got a date with some blonde.

I think this could be the one.

Yeah, sounds special.

Chris,

I suppose you got a date, too.

Sorry, Dad, but I promised Sarah Sullivan I'd come over tonight.

Her parents are missing, so she's got the house to herself.

Sam, looks like you're my man.

So you just assumed that I don't have a date?

Well, it is Friday night.

As a matter of fact, I do have a date. With the unknown where anything can

happen.

Yet never does.

Hey, Dad, why can't we come down to the fire station and hang out with you?

Yeah. No kids allowed at the station.

Sorry, it's a rule.

No, it's not.

It's my rule.

Besides, you're old enough to stay home alone.

Hey, Dad, watch me turn Kyle into a lamp.

Get in the car.

Great. Good for you.

They found Vera's parents.

Alive?

I didn't ask.

The point is, now I don't have a date.

That's okay. Neither do I. What happened?

She kept asking me where we're going, what time I was picking her up. I mean,

what are we, married?

As long as you guys don't have dates, I guess I'll just fly solo, too.

Hey, we got the house to ourselves.

Dad's working till midnight.

Why don't we throw a party?

Yeah, great idea!

Party! Okay, we gotta call people, get a keg, order food, burn a party mix. Move

the furniture out of the way.

Man, this is starting to sound like a lot of work.

Yeah, screw that.

You know, it really makes you appreciate the kids who do throw parties.

Yeah, we really should write them some thank you notes.

Let's just go out and get something to eat.

Wait, you got any money? I'm broke.

Oh, me too.

Hey, I know a way that we can have fun.

And we don't need any money at all.

All we gotta do is put on some of Dad's fireman uniforms and people will be

handing us stuff for free.

That's crazy. We could get in really big trouble.

Dad said he'd hope we'd wear these uniforms someday.

Why not tonight?

Don't you want to make Dad's dream come true?

Can't you stop thinking of yourself for one second, Sam?

Wow, this really brings out my eyes. What do you think?

I'm going to climb down the fire pole first. You'll have to beat me to it,

sucker.

The pole's not here anymore, boys.

No pole?

A lot of the stations are taking them out because firemen were getting hurt.

Sprained ankles, wrenched knees, crotch burned.

Hey, I was not the only one, huh? Come on.

You were the only one who tried it without pants.

Well, then, how about taking us out for a ride on the fire truck?

We can shoot the water cannon at people.

Sure, and if a call comes in while we're out joyriding... The guys here can just

take a cab to the fire.

Or a bus.

Cab would be faster.

A fire truck only goes out on fires.

So, like, if there was a fire... Don't get any ideas.

So, there's no pole.

Can't fool around on the trucks.

So, what do you guys do around here?

We read.

Do crossword puzzles.

Balance our checkbooks?

Lately, I'm really hooked on that weather channel.

You would not want to live in Peru right now.

Very humid.

We used to play a lot of pinball.

Wow, you guys have a pinball machine?

We did.

Got smashed when we were taking out the pole.

I know something you guys might get a kick out of.

Okay, now Walter here is about to take a home cholesterol test.

That's tonight?

What's so fun about that?

Oh, well, we'd just like to guess what the number will be.

Yeah, the cholesterol test is the only game we got since the pinball machine

smashed.

So far, Walter has the highest score on both.

Uh, I'm going to say, uh, 225.

No, 245.

$2 .88.

You guys want in?

No.

Hey, if his cholesterol's high enough, he might get to ride in an ambulance.

I'm rooting for you, man.

See that drop of blood going on the test strip?

Well, now we just watch and wait.

Damn it.

Watch and wait.

Yeah, and you thought me getting a merit badge for sewing was gay.

Still do.

Now, you're sure you can change these back for Dad?

Oh, yeah.

Temporary changes are real easy with a tack stitch.

Now, if I'd been using a cross stitch or a cranny knot... Stop talking about

sewing or I'm going to pound you.

All right.

Let's go get some free stuff.

Okay, just remember, no getting greedy.

Dad risked his life in these uniforms, so let's not do anything to dishonor

them. We are the gods of fire! Bring us your gifts!

Okay, no more free espressos for Sam.

These uniforms work like magic. I've never gotten so much free food.

Can you imagine if we had to pay for all this broccoli?

It doesn't get any better than this.

Did you just see that? Those women smiled at us. Women, not girls.

Follow me, brother firefighters.

Wait, hey.

We can't get in there without IDs.

We're wearing our IDs.

Fire inspection.

What are you talking about? We just had a fire inspection last week.

Oh.

Hi, guys.

You mouthing off, jackass?

You let us in right now, or I'll shut this whole stinking fire trap down.

No, please don't.

This dance club and 12 others just like it. That's all I got in the world.

Let's go, boys.

He'll calm down after a couple of free drinks.

And a bucket of weed.

It's like we're in a beer commercial.

You'd think I almost got stuck babysitting Kyle and PJ.

I'm sure they're happy they didn't get stuck with us either.

Watch and wait.

A lot of people call us heroes, but we're really more like superheroes.

How do you walk into burning buildings?

Aren't you scared?

Ah, the only thing I fear is night.

When the dreams come.

And I'm alone.

to get you a drink?

A drink?

No, thank you.

I'm on duty.

In fact, I'm just inspecting this fire extinguisher here.

She's all right.

You seem awfully young to be a fireman.

To tell you the truth, I'm just a rookie.

They only let me put out small fires.

Yeah, the guys down at the station call me the Joker.

Because, uh, I'm always joking.

You know, puns, riddles, dingers.

Nothing dirty, though. It's not the Joker's style.

So there we were, surrounded by flames in this raging inferno, when I hear this

orphan baby crying.

grabbed the orphan baby and quickly changed his flaming diaper.

He changed his diaper?

Which gave me time to give CPR to a basket full of puppies.

So then I took the baby and...

And...

the winning cholesterol number is...

Oh, Kyle, you want to make the announcement?

No!

Ted, I don't care.

This is boring.

Yeah, you guys are firemen.

You're supposed to be smoking cigars, playing poker, swearing, chasing each

other with axes.

Street to the shoe repair store?

What do you want to go over there for?

Because it's not here.

Now, the boys are right.

We're pathetic.

We should be having fun, not caring about Walter's elf.

Yeah, we'd love to hang out with you next Friday night.

But living a fireman's life, we may not even be alive next Friday night.

So how about tomorrow instead?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure we'll still be alive tomorrow.

Then, here's a...

been, buddy?

We're lining up dates left and right. Well, I met a cute girl named Sheila,

we really hit it off.

I'll say.

Crap.

Guys, I think I'm having a baby.

Oh, you're definitely having a baby.

No, I mean now.

My water broke. I'm going into labor.

Come in here. Why didn't we just stop at Free Broccoli?

My wildest dream and worst nightmare just came crashing together.

Whole house.

Ladies on top.

Foxy said you never played poker before.

We haven't. But we've played lots of video poker.

Thanks for bringing us down here tonight, Dad.

Yeah, thanks, Nick.

Hey, uh... Do you guys think you could let me slide until next week?

What day next week?

Monday? No.

Hey, we just got a 911 call. Thank God.

Hey, you two behave.

I don't know.

Want to beat the CPR dummy up?

Yeah.

Hold his arms behind his back.

Stop.

Stop.

No more.

Why are you guys just standing there?

Help her.

Yes, Sam, do something. It's your baby.

It is not.

It was Jack's idea to wear the uniforms he should deliver.

Christmas closest.

Pretend that she's hiking you a football.

A bloody football with legs.

Here it comes.

It's got no face.

That's the top of the head.

Oh, okay, cool.

Joker, where are you?

I'm right here, Sheila.

You can do this. One more big push.

You have to cut the umbilical cord.

Oh, God.

Somebody call with a medical emergency?

Yeah, but you're too late.

The other fireman just delivered the kid.

Other fireman?

Over here.

What the hell is going on?

Well, what do you want to know first?

Why we're in your uniforms, why we're in a nightclub, or why we're covered in

baby goo?

So, are we still going out tomorrow?

Oh, yeah, that too.

Well, mother and baby check out fine, Nate.

Boys did a great job.

Who knows? You guys could actually wear those uniforms for real someday.

For real?

What do you mean?

Well, to be honest, we like to give the rookies a hard

time.

Like this.

Back to the firehouse, boys, where I'm going to beat you. like you were my

teenage sons and I was your enraged father.

Good one, Captain.

You are a dummy, aren't you, fool?

I guess we'll have to hose it down.