Original subtitles

Eva Braun's got them all hard at it this morning, eh? Yeah.

That reminds me.

I might get the ladyshave out and do my bikini line later.

Second thoughts, I might leave it.

Good morning, everybody! Joyce Temple Savage here,

saying Buenas Dias, Senors and Senores.

She don't let up with them bloody announcements, does she?

The woman's got no class. Not got a clue how to run a business.

As my Mel used to say, you've either got it or you've not.

Isn't that what he used to say to the bailiffs an' all?

I shall choose to ignore that.

Have you seen this? What?

Apparently there's a gang going round Benidorm

and kidnapping people off the streets. Don't talk rot.

It'll be young slappers coming here drinking themselves silly

and climbing into cars with fellas.

No, it says here, they're stealing people's organs.

'A young woman from Chorley went missing for three days,

then turned up dazed and confused in the car park behind the KFC.'

This is Benidorm, that's a good night out, is that.

Claimed she'd been drugged

and had a big scar where her kidney used to be. Bloody hell!

Oi, young man. Language!

You're not too old for smack on the arse, you know.

It's big business! Kidneys, lungs!

It says here, 'Benidorm is becoming the organ theft capital of Spain.'

Morning. Only me. I'm sorry to be late.

I was half way down in the lift

and I realised I'd left my tiddlywinks in the room.

Not to worry, I've got them now. Is that one free?

Excuse me. Thank you.

Flaming heck, that gang didn't leave a number, did they?

Staff announcement, staff announcement,

would all members of the poolside team please report to my office?

All poolside staff to la officina por favor.

Gracias!

I don't know what you see in that drip!

I don't see anything. Just cos I smiled,

it doesn't mean I'll be tugging at his budgie smugglers!

There's no harm in a smile. I smile. No, you snarl.

Call me old fashioned,

but I think a man likes a woman to be feminine, lady like.

He doesn't want his date to cup a fart,

and shout, 'Have a bite of that'! Excuse me, I have never...

Oh, yeah. I bet you ten Euros

you can't go the whole day and night being ladylike and polite.

20 Euros and you're on!

Right! 20 Euros it is! No being rude, swearing,

clearing your nasal passages, farting,

burping the theme tune to The Simpsons

or showing violence or threatening behaviour.

Violence? Like karaoke the other night

when you grabbed that bloke's knackers

and made him sing the Communards?

How long have I got to keep this up? Til midnight tonight!

Hang on, give us a sec.

Oh.

You're on. Easy money.

The Solana can be a four star hotel.

And in the words of Susan Boyle...

'I have a dream.'

This is about standards,

and I have invited the editor of Costa Class, Victor St James,

to review The Solana.

Costa Class? I have never heard of this.

Well, it's a Which Hotel magazine for Spain.

A magazine for witches?

You English people are crazy.

This gentleman deals in top end accommodation,

so we have to show him how classy and professional we are.

Well, I think I can speak on behalf of all of us

when I say we've been working our bollocks off,

so it's only a matter of time til we are shitting class!

Yes, but we don't have any time, because he's coming tonight!

Tonight? Hostia! It was my night off!

I know it's very short notice,

but Mr St James expects the best, so I've sent the chef home,

and Mateo I want you in the kitchen.

Sounds lovely,

but I think we'll stick to paella, traditional Spanish.

Leslie, although Victor probably did go to public school

and has seen it all, I think you should take the night off

and allow Les to handle this. Aw, god bless you, Mrs Savage.

I haven't had a night off for...

Oh, bollocks.

Liam, I am very impressed by how calm you've been.

I thought you'd panic for sure.

Oh uh... Sorry.

The hedge trimmer was giving me a migraine!

Have we started yet?

Ok, here's another one.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with "h".

Hotel? No.

Hand. Hands? No. Handbag? No.

Oh, I've got you all guessing now!

Are you having a guess, Mother? Am I shite!

Come on. Leave her. She's miserable! OK then...

How about "h" for how come I've been sitting here 40 minutes

without you getting a drink in!

Bone idle you, Mick.

Can't even supply your own loved ones with a round of drinks.

Of course I can.

Michael, go and get a round in, there's a good lad.

Lazy bugger. How about you getting me a drink for a change?

Ladies don't get the drinks in, a gentleman does that.

My Mel was a gentleman,

never left me sitting without a drink in my hand.

No, left you sitting without a pot to piss in, though, didn't he?

Right. I'm not sticking around here to be insulted.

Mother, he's only winding you up, Mick, tell her.

She's winding me up. Right, I'm off to shops.

H was for holiday.

We're all on holiday!

Morning, Madge!

What's that you're reading? It's the newsletter from the MSA.

Oh, that's nice. Duck faced Dennis is hosting

but now the finger buffet is at the end of the night

rather than the start.

Aww, makes sense I suppose.

There's been a whip round for a gum shield for big Donna

since she had her braces fitted. Ooooh, lovely.

And the police have asked Fiona and Mandy to drain their hot tub.

Awwww!

There's also a wee article for a phone application

that locates swingers in your local area. Oooooh, really.

Can we use it here?

Anywhere in the world apparently.

You just download it, it does a search,

and Bob's your uncle, before you know it, it's grab flab and stab!

Not too rough with Mr Dixon, Carmen,

and I'd skip the head massage if I were you.

Last time it looked like somebody

had emptied a box of Special K over the floor.

How do you get your hair like that, Madge? My hair?

Oh, it's a mess today. I know. Just wondered how you got it like that.

Piss off! Oh, I was only joking.

Maddy old cow.

Excuse me!

Sorry. Yeah, you will be!

Excuse me.

Do you have a light?

Get off me! Who are you?! Get your hands off me!

Get off me! I don't wanna get in.

Nana!

Morning, Gavin. Go away!

That's not very polite.

Go away... please?

Are we feeling a little tender?

I beg your pardon. Too much sex on the beach?

Have you been speaking to Kenneth?

Whatever he has said, it's all lies.

I meant your head.

Cocktail hangover, is it?

Look, Noreen, I don't mean to be rude

but I'm not in a very good place right now.

Well, we can move into the sun if you like?

What I mean is that I'm not good company right now.

That's still better than no company at all.

Now, why don't I go and order a nice coffee

and you just sit there and relax.

That sounds like bliss. Thank you, Noreen.

And when I come back...

we can have a lovely game of Scrabble.

Right, the bladder is empty and the drinks are ordered.

Good, cos I feel like getting absolutely twa-twa-twa... Twanged!

Totally twanged!

This being a lady lark is a piece of pi...

cake! You're gonna be 20 Euros lighter come midnight!

Don't get too cocky.

I've got a feeling it may get tougher.

Jesus! What the f...!

Sorry. Sorry? So it was you, you little...

sweetheart!

You nearly gave me a heart attack.

Old people talk funny.

Old?

Right. Run along, sonny.

Can you believe him?

Cheeky little ba... Ah ah!

The clock is still running!

I'm sorry, Joyce. I'm absolutely choc a bloc.

You must be joking, I've never see anybody in here.

Excuse me, excuse me. We need to speak to you. It's my mother.

Certainly. Can I be of assistance? We think she's been kidnapped.

My son saw her getting dragged in to the back of a car.

They're very keen, these taxi drivers.

You've only got to hang by the bus stop for a few moments, they think you're fair game.

For God's sake. It's Madge, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, I saw her earlier on. I think she was going to the shops.

There you are. She's probably bumped in to old friends and got chatting.

Friends? You obviously don't know her that well, do you?

Michael, tell the woman what you saw.

Well, I saw a bloke follow her out of here,

and I went outside and he was dragging her in to a car. Car. Car.

Well, can you describe this gentleman?

He was quite tall, he had a beard. Didn't look English.

Oh, him! He was absolutely gorgeous.

I asked if he wanted a hot shave but didn't get anywhere.

You said you hadn't got any appointments.

I can always find an opening for some people, Joyce.

Oh, come on, let's go to the police. No, let's not be hasty.

You'll get nowhere with them

if she's been missing less than 48 hours.

Now, I've got contacts there.

Why don't I speak to them

and you go and look for her? Right. Come on.

Very nice of you to offer to help.

So there is a soft side to La Savage after all.

We don't want police swarming round the place

when our friend arrives later now, do we?

You're not busy, are you? What about a French Plait?

Oh, you're joking, aren't you? I had a Chinese buffet for lunch.

I couldn't eat another thing. Gonna help them look for Madge.

Oh, come on, son!

Have you heard anything?

Not yet. He's gone far too long. It's nearly siesta.

The supermarkets will be closed. Have faith!

This is him now.

Liam, son, are you OK?

OK, son, just calm down. Speak very slowly.

Which police station are you in?

Gotcha!

Now, it wasn't easy. Some of them were quite tricky.

I thought Saffron was a posh girl's name,

but turns out it's a spice as well.

And don't get me started on cummin!

Wait! There is something missing!

The chicken!

Tell me you got the chicken!

You got the chicken, didn't you, son?

I told you we could not rely on him.

Shhh shhh shhhh! Relax. Of course I did.

What do you think I am, stupid?

So, where is it?

You asked for fresh!

Oh, Jacqueline, that's another one come through.

Oh, let's have a look.

Oh, my goodness, reminds me of the old Amsterdam days.

Are them her legs? It would appear so.

Hello, they're coming thick and fast now.

It must be that picture of Condoleeza Rice

that I put on my profile.

Hmmm, you've a very good likeness in the right light.

It's no good, it's still switched off. Mick, what are we going to do?

Calm down, we'll find her. What if we don't? What if the gang's got her

and they're cutting her up? They're not going to be chopping Nana up.

They're just going to make an incision across her chest. Mick!

Here you are, I've got these, these should help. What are they?

Here we go, we'll find her in no time with these!

You reckon? I think I got the scooter wrong.

No, I don't flamin' reckon. She isn't even on her scooter.

'Answers to the name of'... Christ. She's not a poodle!

I was only trying to help.

Over there!

Madge! Nanna! Stop!

Come on, down here! Stop! Madge!

Stop! Madge! Stop!

Nana!

Quick, quick. Here, here!

Follow that car.

What's Spanish for 'follow that car'? Senor, follow that car!

Hiya. You all right?

Your friend promised me an ice cream but didn't pay up.

How do you mean? She said if I threw my ball at you

she'd buy me an ice cream.

Did she now!

Well, how's about I treat you to one?

Yeah, go on. But first...

I need you to do me a little favour.

Aw, she looks dead sad. Yeah.

Puts me in mind of somebody...

Meryl Streep! What are you two going on about now?

You know, man, that film, what was it called? Um...

Sophie's Choice. Aw, no. Poor Meryl. Do not get too attached.

Soon you have to decide which one of you will be the...

No, we can't do that. Look at her little face.

You have any better ideas? Mateo!

Quick, hide it!

Ah, there you are! How's it coming along?

Good. It is all good! You seem a bit edgy.

Oh, I have a lot to do. This recipe has to be perfect for you.

What was that? What was what?

That! It sounded just like...

There again!

No, no. Ah, that was probably me, I've got this um...

gag reflex to the smell of rice cooking.

Well, it didn't sound like you that time.

No, it was me. Family trait.

Les, it is time.

Liam, it's time.

I'm gonna take her somewhere quiet and then...

No, I... I don't want to know.

Just do it quickly.

Won't that ice cream melt while you're eating your burger?

No, it's not my ice cream. It's Scot's.

Who's Scot?

There you go, Scot.

I know your tricks. You won't break me.

Oh, shit!

Now now! That's not very ladylike is it?

Stop! It's there!

Are you sure that's the same car? Yeah.

Bloody rubbish. We could have walked faster.

What are you doing? Seeing if it's still warm?

I was wondering if this silver goes with my colouring.

This is definitely the car!

Oh! There's still no answer.

Maybe she's all right.

I mean, she didn't exactly look terrified when we saw her.

Hmm, you have to watch these Arabs. I did a week in Sharm el Sheikh.

It's please and thank you getting into the taxi

then the other end the fare's triple what they asked,

and you've got to nosh them off to the bargain.

Oooh, anybody else hungry?

Shh!

Mick!

Oh, hello. Oh my God, Jacqueline.

Are you all right? What are you doing here?

What's going on? Have you seen Madge? Is she sterilised?

Kenneth!

What a lovely surprise.

Mick. Janice. What the hell's going on?

Perhaps we should step outside.

Come on Michael, out. Out!

So, what? Are you involved in all this organ transplant stuff.

Organ transplant? No no no. This is all very consenting.

So, what were you doing in there? Oh, just a bit of role play.

We were supposed to join a session this evening

but we couldn't find an astronaut costume to fit Jacqueline.

Did you say you were looking for Madge? Last time we saw her... Nana!

Oh, Mother, thank God you're all right. Course I'm all right.

We thought you'd been kidnapped.

Kidnapped? What the frig you talking about?

Oh, it don't matter. As long as you're safe.

But I saw that fella drag you into that car.

Oh... There he is!

Madge, is everything all right?

Everybody, I'd like you to meet Mohammed...

Hello. Is everything all right?

Yes, yes. Bit of a heavy afternoon.

My wife has lost most of the feeling in her legs

but we're hoping she'll be all right by this evening.

I hope the accident didn't occur on Solana premises.

Oh, don't worry, there was no accident. Just over did it slightly.

Didn't we? Oh, yeah.

Yes, I see.

Well, plenty of time to relax now.

No, no, we've got another session lined up for this evening. Session?

All credit to this wee gizmo here.

Are you familiar with swing finder?

Swing finder?

Oh yes, the must-have app for the modern day swinger.

Oh, no. It's not another one, is it?

No, it's just confirmation for tonight's session.

Oh, I say, they're sending a car for us.

Now, that's stylish. Oh, lovely.

I'm sure there's room for another if you're at a loose end this evening?

Thank you, Mohammed. You are most welcome.

So, let's get this straight.

You know my mother through Mel. Is that right?

Mel did a bit of business with Mohammed's Dad.

Did he now? I met Madge's husband several times with my father.

Mel told us all about his beautiful wife.

Yeah, he was married before Madge. Mick!

So you just came to Benidorm to see my mother?

Well, I had something to return to Madge. Mel left this behind

in Mohammed's Dad's office, the day before he passed away.

Thankfully this young man had the good grace

to come here to return it to me.

All this way to return a cigarette case and a picture?

I'm sorry. I just don't believe you. What is wrong with you?

Please... Janice?

Beautiful name.

This is my third time here this year.

And every time I have business in Spain at the end of my trip,

I spend a couple of days here

and wonder if I will find the wonderful woman

Mel spoke of with so much passion and respect.

We have a saying in my country...

You must look in many fields before you find the missing cow.

Yeah, we have a saying in my country...

You're talking absolute bollocks.

Nobody spends a year looking for someone they never met

to give them a crappy old cig case and a worn out photo.

He brought his lighter as well.

Well, at five for a pound that's saved you 20p.

Mr Garvey, I understand your scepticism.

As a son in law, you obviously have a love and respect for Madge

that knows no bounds. But when I discovered Mel died in Marrakech,

and that I had been one of the last people he spoke to,

I felt passing on his possessions, however small,

was the right thing to do. The honourable thing to do.

We thought you were gonna cut my nana up and sell her organs.

Apparently there's a gang in Benidorm

kidnapping people and selling their organs.

On the telly, it said they even sell their skin.

Yeah, when we heard our Michael had seen you grab Madge

we thought you were a hitman for World of Leather. This makes sense.

So the woman with the red hair, perhaps she was from this gang.

Yeah, this woman with red hair tried to grab me.

She was with two fellas and a white van. A white van!

That's them! Oh, my God, Mother!

But Mohammed grabbed me off her and put me in his car.

What are you doing?! Get your hands off her!

What are you doing? Get off me!

Get off me!

Who are you?!

You saved my nana's life!

Oh. Please, I only did what anyone else would do.

I would like you to be my guests for dinner this evening at my hotel,

The Asia Gardens. Oooh, that sounds nice.

No, you've saved my mother's life.

We'll be buying you dinner tonight.

Mick?

Well... He's just said he wants to buy us dinner.

All right...

Yeah, we'll take you to a little place we know, not far from here.

It's very exclusive. It's called Neptunes.

Have you seen my dad? No. Why?

Well, between me and you, he's gone to choke the chicken.

Only...

He's been gone 20 minutes so I think he might be struggling.

It's an age thing. He likes to think he's hard, but...

Right. Maybe I should go and give him a hand.

OK... I tried earlier but I couldn't finish it off

so he went out the back to try and finish it himself. Poor Meryl...

Meryl?

That's his little pet name for it.

Well, helloooo.

Joyce Temple Savage, welcome to The Solana.

You must be Victor.

Victor St James. Costa Class magazine.

Thank you for coming, we're delighted... I'll tell you something.

I am absolutely busting for the bog.

Well, we have full toilet facilities on all levels.

This drinking pints is no use for me.

I'll siphon the python and meet you for a cheeky half in the bar?

Over here, yeah?

I'm telling you, man, she's got this way of looking at you.

It is a he, not a she! What?

It is a cock. I know a cock when I see one.

Well, it's as if he's looking right into your soul.

I couldn't do it, man.

Ah, you will not hurt a chicken but you will see my family starve.

Because if I don't get this paella right, I will get fired!

Can we not make a vegetarian paella?

Vegetarian?

This is Spain, we eat meat!

Hostia! I will have to take care of this myself.

It takes a real man to do a man's job.

I will be back shortly.

Room for a little one?

Oh, of course.

I say... Isn't it a lovely colour of blue, the water in Spain.

Yes.

Noreen, I just wanted to say sorry about earlier.

I was a bit off.

Oh, don't worry about it.

What do you say I take you out for a nice meal tonight?

My way of saying sorry.

We could eat at Neptune's.

I said, 'A NICE meal'.

Oh, why the heck not?

We're on holiday. It's nice to do something a bit different.

Yes.

Oh, I'm really sorry, Victor,

I didn't realise you were here.

I've been waiting for you outside the loo.

Careful. That's how I got started.

Oh, Kenneth.

Shouldn't you be manning the international beauty salon?

We're very lucky to have Kenneth. He's very big all over the Costas.

Chance would be a fine thing.

He was just telling me about his celebrity client list. Celebrity?

Apparently he's done them all.

Yeah, and I've cut their hair.

So, how do you style Elton John's hair?

Between me and you, Victor,

I just pop it on an eco wash and tumble dry it for half an hour.

He's none the wiser.

Kenneth, could I have a little word with one? Do excuse us.

What are you playing at?

Have you been sniffing the perming solution again?

No, I'm trying to inject a bit of excitement.

He was in Loret De Mar last week,

and he gave this place five stars cos it had quilted bog roll.

He knows his onions, this one. I'm sure I can handle it.

I've had a lot of experience dealing with high class clientele.

High class? You've got to be joking! He's rough as a badger's arse.

Victor may be presenting himself as an uncouth Northerner

with low standards and a coarse turn of phrase,

but it's a ploy to catch us off guard.

Victor. Could I offer you one of our signature cocktails?

Any brown ale'll do for me, Jill. Joyce.

And fetch us some more of them nuts, will you?

Shh, I think that's them. What's he doing, man?

Aw, what have you let it out the cage for?

He's got this way of looking at you.

It's OK, Meryl. It's OK.

Be very quiet.

Stay very still.

When he does not expect it, I will pounce.

One, two, three...

You grab the legs. The legs!

Here at Neptunes, we offer live entertainment seven nights a week.

Right. You'll notice a nautical theme throughout,

reflecting the name, Neptunes,

coming from the Latin for sea,

as in Nep, and tunes... as inmusic.

So, Victor, what do you think so far?

To be honest with you, it's all right.

All right? Place like this, there's only so much you can do with it.

This is bargain bucket stuff this, ain't it, love, hey?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving the punters what they want,

but this lot here, egg and chips, dose of prickly heat,

they're like pigs in shit. Well, I wouldn't say...

But the crowd that run it aren't daft. That's why they've got you in.

Well, exactly. Any more crisps?

Oh, this is Mateo Castellanos. He's our head barman.

He's very experienced

and always goes that extra mile with the customers.

Mateo, could you please get Mr St James a selection of nibbles?

Mateo! A selection of nibbles for Mr St James, please.

What is "nibbles"? And some dips and crudites if you please.

I do not know what any of these things are.

Very conscientious member of staff.

He must be looking for some broken glass or sundry items.

I'll get you some more crisps.

I cannot find it anywhere.

Leave it to our Liam, he'll find it.

Right, vegetarian paella coming up!

Oh, no! Liam son!

What has he done now? He's left the heat on, man, it's ruined!

Oh, no.

That's it! It's all over.

Ah, well, as my old dad used to say... 'You can't polish a turd,

but you can spray it with air freshener.'

What does it mean? It means we go to plan B!

But you cannot cook.

You want a bet? I was a chef on the oil rigs before our Liam was born.

What I can't do with a couple of gas rings and a wooden spoon is nobody's business.

Well, that was lovely.

I've never had seal before.

I think you'll find that was veal, Noreen.

Was it? Better not tell our Geoff.

He's very funny about that sort of thing.

Are you missing your fella?

I'm managing.

What about that nice chap that has the hairdressers?

What about him?

Well, would you and him not make a nice couple?

Troy and I haven't actually split up.

And besides, I don't think he'd really be my type.

No, true.

I mean, he's quite butch, isn't he?

Everything's so out in the open these days.

In my day, it was all hush hush.

I remember a lovely young lass called Georgie Smith.

She ran the mobile shop.

Everybody said they thought she was a bit... You know?

Really?

Just because she wore steel cap boots

and made me lift up my skirt and show her my knees

before she'd give me my change.

I don't know.

Would you like a dessert?

I don't think so, thank you.

It's always best not to go on a full stomach.

Remember that night with the lovely couple from Hemel Hempstead?

How could I forget? Scotch egg and Guinness is a heady mix indeed.

Still no sign of the driver.

I'm sure it'll all be fine, though. It seems very well organised.

Seeing as we're celebrating my nana not being kidnapped and chopped up

can I have a proper drink? How many times? No!

But, Mam... I know.

You're 13. You can have a ginger beer.

What's that? It's as good as it gets, son.

At least it's got the word beer in it. Nice one.

This food is very interesting.

I don't think I have tasted anything like this before.

No, you won't have done. What's the food like in Marrakech?

I bet it's not like this. No, not at all.

It is... How do you say? Fresh.

So um... What kind of business are you in, Mohammed?

You've obviously got a lot of time on your hands.

Have you got absolutely no manners whatsoever?

I work for my father. He has many business interests.

He first started many years ago

making rugs for three hotel chains in Marrakech.

In fact, the first time I met Mel,

he was admiring a rug in my father's shop.

Don't tell us. He bought one and never paid for it?

How much do we owe you?

My father now owns all three of those hotel chains.

He still has his rug shop. He kept it out of sentimental reasons.

But there is a small matter of Mel's business dealings in Marrakech.

I wondered how long it would take.

Mel had invested a considerable amount of money in Marrakech.

I would like to help you to retrieve it.

You what?

We can discuss that tomorrow. This is not a time for business.

This is a time for remembrance and celebration.

Celebration of the life of a good man.

Here here. Well, we don't mind talking about business now, do we?

Here's to Mel Harvey.

What are we talking about, Mohammed, like a property? A bar? What?

Tomorrow. Mel Harvey!

Dad, are you all right? You're sweating.

Yeah, it's the first time I've ever worn a kilt.

Quite nice in this heat, because it lets all the air into your bits.

What's up with your face?

I think I know exactly what game Mr St James is playing.

He is trying to lure me into dropping my guard,

but I'm afraid he's picking on the wrong character.

Can I have a quiet word, Mrs Savage?

Where's Mateo, where's this paella?

It's just coming. Mateo says he's very sorry about the delay,

but he had to make a few minor adjustments to the recipe.

Ah, I needed that.

Victor, this is Les.

He is one of several Michelin star chefs who work at our Solana.

Nice to meet you. Michelin star?

Do you know Francoise Chelley? Name rings a bell.

Did he play for Carlisle?

Ah, here we are. I asked the kitchen staff to make you something special.

Come on. I'm sure Mr St James is bound to be hungry.

He's only had... Eight. Eight bags of crisps.

Ta da!

Bangers and mash?!

Ah, but with proper English bangers. None of your Spanish shite!

Oh, my God. Victor, I'm so sorry.

I specifically asked the kitchen to make you a traditional Spanish dish.

You what? Traditional Spanish?

I can't be buggered with any of that muck.

No, this is proper grub, this is.

Like I told you, Jill, give the punters what they want.

Well, don't just stand there. Get us a knife and fork.

Well, I must say, Eliza Doolittle,

your transformation to a lady is almost complete.

And so is my 20 Euro reward. Don't remind me.

I hope you're gonna put it towards getting wasted tonight.

Maybe. I might just take it easy though.

There's a sightseeing tour of a local church tomorrow morning.

I want to be up for that.

You're not serious, are you?

Why not?! I've been missing out on culture and polite society.

I might just give it a shot.

Better than lying in bed nursing a hangover?

I've created a bleedin' monster! I want my best mate back,

the one that farts and swears and arm wrestles for drinks!

She's a thing of the past, Sam. This is the new and improved me.

Right, one more, then an early night, I think.

Are you sure I can't tempt you to a cafe con leche by the pool?

Nah. Victor...

Let's cut to the chase.

You what? We both know what's been going on.

I've had 25 years in the service industry.

It takes a lot to pull the wool over my eyes.

Oh... right. OK then.

How does 400 sound?

What?

OK. 350, provided you make it British money.

Exchange rate's crap at the minute.

I don't know what you're talking about. Ah, I see what you're doing.

Bit exposed here, is it?

We can always go through somewhere a bit more private and discuss it.

Hang on.

You want me to pay for this review? Of course I do!

How else is a dump like this going to get a decent write up?

350? Yeah.

I can't afford that. It's deal or no deal?

You have a think about it. I'll just nip off to the...

The bog. I know.

All right, gorgeous.

Hiya.

I was just uh... admiring the view.

Of what?

Oh, I see.

If I'd known that, I would have charged you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Um...

How does 20 Euros sound?

I beg your pardon.

All right. 25.

They don't half push their luck around here.

You really need to move your hand!

I think it's fine where it is. Do you?

Excuse me one minute!

What's that for?

20 Euros? Dickhead.

50... and I might have thought about it.

Eliza has left the building!

Still no sign. I don't understand it.

I'll pop to the ladies and freshen up.

Mmm?

Party... Party.

Ah, yes! Party of two. I got the manager to call us a taxi.

I don't trust the ones on the street! Yes, that's us.

Rose. Ah, yes, she's an English rose.

Come on, Noreen. Let's head back!

Wait.

Before we go, a toast!

Here's to making mistakes!

Mistakes!

Donald, I've just figured out what's wrong.

I'm not wearing my secret signal.

Of course. They'll be able to spot us now.

Did they tell you where we are going at the restaurant? The Solana.

Si. Si.

I always get the ones that don't speak any English. Oh, sod it.

I'm not going to worry any more. Que Sara Sara! Que Sara Sara!

Just nod. It's easier.

Si, senor!

Oh. Ah!

I am so sorry, Victor! I hope you won't hold this against us.

Because, I wouldn't want... If you don't mind...

I think I'll just step outside for a spot of air. Oh!

I'm feeling a little bit... Yes. Just a minute. Um...

There.

Everything all right, Mrs Savage? Les, it's a disaster.

I wouldn't worry. He seemed to enjoy himself.

What sort of stuff is he going to print about us now?

It'll take a miracle to get us out of this.

Excuse me. Do you have a light?

I don't smoke, darling.

You must have healthy lungs then?

Not as healthy as yours, love, hey?

Hey, what's going on?! Hey, what's this?!

What's happening? What are you doing?