1 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:41,000 Eva Braun's got them all hard at it this morning, eh? Yeah. 2 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,440 That reminds me. 3 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,840 I might get the ladyshave out and do my bikini line later. 4 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:59,440 Second thoughts, I might leave it. 5 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:10,039 Good morning, everybody! Joyce Temple Savage here, 6 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:12,599 saying Buenas Dias, Senors and Senores. 7 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,879 She don't let up with them bloody announcements, does she? 8 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:20,199 The woman's got no class. Not got a clue how to run a business. 9 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:23,519 As my Mel used to say, you've either got it or you've not. 10 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:26,479 Isn't that what he used to say to the bailiffs an' all? 11 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:29,119 I shall choose to ignore that. 12 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,559 Have you seen this? What? 13 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,239 Apparently there's a gang going round Benidorm 14 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,239 and kidnapping people off the streets. Don't talk rot. 15 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,800 It'll be young slappers coming here drinking themselves silly 16 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,720 and climbing into cars with fellas. 17 00:01:42,721 --> 00:01:46,279 No, it says here, they're stealing people's organs. 18 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:51,599 'A young woman from Chorley went missing for three days, 19 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:57,279 then turned up dazed and confused in the car park behind the KFC.' 20 00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:59,959 This is Benidorm, that's a good night out, is that. 21 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,999 Claimed she'd been drugged 22 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:05,919 and had a big scar where her kidney used to be. Bloody hell! 23 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,959 Oi, young man. Language! 24 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,599 You're not too old for smack on the arse, you know. 25 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,720 It's big business! Kidneys, lungs! 26 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:18,240 It says here, 'Benidorm is becoming the organ theft capital of Spain.' 27 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:24,159 Morning. Only me. I'm sorry to be late. 28 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,999 I was half way down in the lift 29 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:30,840 and I realised I'd left my tiddlywinks in the room. 30 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:35,480 Not to worry, I've got them now. Is that one free? 31 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,519 Excuse me. Thank you. 32 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:45,479 Flaming heck, that gang didn't leave a number, did they? 33 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,359 Staff announcement, staff announcement, 34 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:51,519 would all members of the poolside team please report to my office? 35 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:55,559 All poolside staff to la officina por favor. 36 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,479 Gracias! 37 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:00,279 I don't know what you see in that drip! 38 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,519 I don't see anything. Just cos I smiled, 39 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,439 it doesn't mean I'll be tugging at his budgie smugglers! 40 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:09,279 There's no harm in a smile. I smile. No, you snarl. 41 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,759 Call me old fashioned, 42 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:21,719 but I think a man likes a woman to be feminine, lady like. 43 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:23,800 He doesn't want his date to cup a fart, 44 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:27,040 and shout, 'Have a bite of that'! Excuse me, I have never... 45 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,439 Oh, yeah. I bet you ten Euros 46 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:36,039 you can't go the whole day and night being ladylike and polite. 47 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,639 20 Euros and you're on! 48 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:42,759 Right! 20 Euros it is! No being rude, swearing, 49 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:46,199 clearing your nasal passages, farting, 50 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,199 burping the theme tune to The Simpsons 51 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,599 or showing violence or threatening behaviour. 52 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,639 Violence? Like karaoke the other night 53 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,080 when you grabbed that bloke's knackers 54 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,360 and made him sing the Communards? 55 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:02,960 How long have I got to keep this up? Til midnight tonight! 56 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,480 Hang on, give us a sec. 57 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,920 Oh. 58 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,640 You're on. Easy money. 59 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:27,079 The Solana can be a four star hotel. 60 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,600 And in the words of Susan Boyle... 61 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:31,600 'I have a dream.' 62 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,159 This is about standards, 63 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:40,799 and I have invited the editor of Costa Class, Victor St James, 64 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,839 to review The Solana. 65 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,079 Costa Class? I have never heard of this. 66 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,719 Well, it's a Which Hotel magazine for Spain. 67 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,679 A magazine for witches? 68 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:52,719 You English people are crazy. 69 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:55,999 This gentleman deals in top end accommodation, 70 00:04:56,000 --> 00:05:00,639 so we have to show him how classy and professional we are. 71 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,919 Well, I think I can speak on behalf of all of us 72 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,239 when I say we've been working our bollocks off, 73 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:08,759 so it's only a matter of time til we are shitting class! 74 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:12,199 Yes, but we don't have any time, because he's coming tonight! 75 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,279 Tonight? Hostia! It was my night off! 76 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,919 I know it's very short notice, 77 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:20,839 but Mr St James expects the best, so I've sent the chef home, 78 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:23,719 and Mateo I want you in the kitchen. 79 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:25,759 Sounds lovely, 80 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,959 but I think we'll stick to paella, traditional Spanish. 81 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:33,679 Leslie, although Victor probably did go to public school 82 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,879 and has seen it all, I think you should take the night off 83 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:40,839 and allow Les to handle this. Aw, god bless you, Mrs Savage. 84 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,839 I haven't had a night off for... 85 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:44,879 Oh, bollocks. 86 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:48,039 Liam, I am very impressed by how calm you've been. 87 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,919 I thought you'd panic for sure. 88 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,679 Oh uh... Sorry. 89 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:55,680 The hedge trimmer was giving me a migraine! 90 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:57,680 Have we started yet? 91 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:07,359 Ok, here's another one. 92 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:13,199 I spy with my little eye something beginning with "h". 93 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,359 Hotel? No. 94 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:19,479 Hand. Hands? No. Handbag? No. 95 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,119 Oh, I've got you all guessing now! 96 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,759 Are you having a guess, Mother? Am I shite! 97 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,799 Come on. Leave her. She's miserable! OK then... 98 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:30,839 How about "h" for how come I've been sitting here 40 minutes 99 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,759 without you getting a drink in! 100 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,799 Bone idle you, Mick. 101 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,639 Can't even supply your own loved ones with a round of drinks. 102 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:40,679 Of course I can. 103 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:43,359 Michael, go and get a round in, there's a good lad. 104 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,359 Lazy bugger. How about you getting me a drink for a change? 105 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:49,679 Ladies don't get the drinks in, a gentleman does that. 106 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,039 My Mel was a gentleman, 107 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:54,679 never left me sitting without a drink in my hand. 108 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:58,439 No, left you sitting without a pot to piss in, though, didn't he? 109 00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:01,119 Right. I'm not sticking around here to be insulted. 110 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,000 Mother, he's only winding you up, Mick, tell her. 111 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,440 She's winding me up. Right, I'm off to shops. 112 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:12,400 H was for holiday. 113 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,880 We're all on holiday! 114 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:26,600 Morning, Madge! 115 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,999 What's that you're reading? It's the newsletter from the MSA. 116 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,959 Oh, that's nice. Duck faced Dennis is hosting 117 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,479 but now the finger buffet is at the end of the night 118 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:39,319 rather than the start. 119 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,839 Aww, makes sense I suppose. 120 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,959 There's been a whip round for a gum shield for big Donna 121 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,639 since she had her braces fitted. Ooooh, lovely. 122 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:51,879 And the police have asked Fiona and Mandy to drain their hot tub. 123 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,439 Awwww! 124 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:58,359 There's also a wee article for a phone application 125 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:02,479 that locates swingers in your local area. Oooooh, really. 126 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,519 Can we use it here? 127 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,559 Anywhere in the world apparently. 128 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:10,360 You just download it, it does a search, 129 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:15,400 and Bob's your uncle, before you know it, it's grab flab and stab! 130 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,519 Not too rough with Mr Dixon, Carmen, 131 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,879 and I'd skip the head massage if I were you. 132 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,920 Last time it looked like somebody 133 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,360 had emptied a box of Special K over the floor. 134 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,719 How do you get your hair like that, Madge? My hair? 135 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:36,320 Oh, it's a mess today. I know. Just wondered how you got it like that. 136 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:39,040 Piss off! Oh, I was only joking. 137 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,800 Maddy old cow. 138 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,360 Excuse me! 139 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,200 Sorry. Yeah, you will be! 140 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,040 Excuse me. 141 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,040 Do you have a light? 142 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:15,560 Get off me! Who are you?! Get your hands off me! 143 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:17,840 Get off me! I don't wanna get in. 144 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,960 Nana! 145 00:09:38,499 --> 00:09:41,338 Morning, Gavin. Go away! 146 00:09:41,339 --> 00:09:43,458 That's not very polite. 147 00:09:43,459 --> 00:09:45,978 Go away... please? 148 00:09:45,979 --> 00:09:49,378 Are we feeling a little tender? 149 00:09:49,379 --> 00:09:52,658 I beg your pardon. Too much sex on the beach? 150 00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:54,698 Have you been speaking to Kenneth? 151 00:09:54,699 --> 00:09:56,738 Whatever he has said, it's all lies. 152 00:09:56,739 --> 00:09:58,778 I meant your head. 153 00:09:58,779 --> 00:10:00,858 Cocktail hangover, is it? 154 00:10:00,859 --> 00:10:02,898 Look, Noreen, I don't mean to be rude 155 00:10:02,899 --> 00:10:05,658 but I'm not in a very good place right now. 156 00:10:05,659 --> 00:10:08,538 Well, we can move into the sun if you like? 157 00:10:08,539 --> 00:10:11,098 What I mean is that I'm not good company right now. 158 00:10:11,099 --> 00:10:14,898 That's still better than no company at all. 159 00:10:14,899 --> 00:10:19,338 Now, why don't I go and order a nice coffee 160 00:10:19,339 --> 00:10:21,778 and you just sit there and relax. 161 00:10:21,779 --> 00:10:24,218 That sounds like bliss. Thank you, Noreen. 162 00:10:24,219 --> 00:10:26,939 And when I come back... 163 00:10:26,939 --> 00:10:29,579 we can have a lovely game of Scrabble. 164 00:10:37,819 --> 00:10:40,358 Right, the bladder is empty and the drinks are ordered. 165 00:10:40,459 --> 00:10:45,099 Good, cos I feel like getting absolutely twa-twa-twa... Twanged! 166 00:10:45,099 --> 00:10:48,299 Totally twanged! 167 00:10:48,379 --> 00:10:50,299 This being a lady lark is a piece of pi... 168 00:10:51,459 --> 00:10:55,338 cake! You're gonna be 20 Euros lighter come midnight! 169 00:10:55,339 --> 00:10:57,378 Don't get too cocky. 170 00:10:57,379 --> 00:10:59,459 I've got a feeling it may get tougher. 171 00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:02,459 Jesus! What the f...! 172 00:11:04,019 --> 00:11:06,939 Sorry. Sorry? So it was you, you little... 173 00:11:07,979 --> 00:11:09,858 sweetheart! 174 00:11:09,859 --> 00:11:12,858 You nearly gave me a heart attack. 175 00:11:12,859 --> 00:11:15,299 Old people talk funny. 176 00:11:15,299 --> 00:11:17,299 Old? 177 00:11:18,459 --> 00:11:20,459 Right. Run along, sonny. 178 00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:24,258 Can you believe him? 179 00:11:24,259 --> 00:11:27,219 Cheeky little ba... Ah ah! 180 00:11:27,219 --> 00:11:29,219 The clock is still running! 181 00:11:33,339 --> 00:11:36,179 I'm sorry, Joyce. I'm absolutely choc a bloc. 182 00:11:36,179 --> 00:11:39,339 You must be joking, I've never see anybody in here. 183 00:11:39,539 --> 00:11:43,018 Excuse me, excuse me. We need to speak to you. It's my mother. 184 00:11:43,019 --> 00:11:46,698 Certainly. Can I be of assistance? We think she's been kidnapped. 185 00:11:46,699 --> 00:11:49,419 My son saw her getting dragged in to the back of a car. 186 00:11:49,419 --> 00:11:51,379 They're very keen, these taxi drivers. 187 00:11:51,380 --> 00:11:55,618 You've only got to hang by the bus stop for a few moments, they think you're fair game. 188 00:11:55,619 --> 00:11:57,778 For God's sake. It's Madge, isn't it? Yeah. 189 00:11:57,779 --> 00:12:00,738 Yeah, I saw her earlier on. I think she was going to the shops. 190 00:12:00,739 --> 00:12:04,218 There you are. She's probably bumped in to old friends and got chatting. 191 00:12:04,219 --> 00:12:07,378 Friends? You obviously don't know her that well, do you? 192 00:12:07,379 --> 00:12:09,458 Michael, tell the woman what you saw. 193 00:12:09,459 --> 00:12:12,778 Well, I saw a bloke follow her out of here, 194 00:12:12,779 --> 00:12:16,978 and I went outside and he was dragging her in to a car. Car. Car. 195 00:12:16,979 --> 00:12:19,458 Well, can you describe this gentleman? 196 00:12:19,459 --> 00:12:23,018 He was quite tall, he had a beard. Didn't look English. 197 00:12:23,019 --> 00:12:25,738 Oh, him! He was absolutely gorgeous. 198 00:12:25,739 --> 00:12:28,418 I asked if he wanted a hot shave but didn't get anywhere. 199 00:12:28,419 --> 00:12:30,778 You said you hadn't got any appointments. 200 00:12:30,779 --> 00:12:33,458 I can always find an opening for some people, Joyce. 201 00:12:33,459 --> 00:12:36,818 Oh, come on, let's go to the police. No, let's not be hasty. 202 00:12:36,819 --> 00:12:38,579 You'll get nowhere with them 203 00:12:38,579 --> 00:12:40,539 if she's been missing less than 48 hours. 204 00:12:40,540 --> 00:12:43,978 Now, I've got contacts there. 205 00:12:43,979 --> 00:12:45,819 Why don't I speak to them 206 00:12:45,819 --> 00:12:48,019 and you go and look for her? Right. Come on. 207 00:12:50,099 --> 00:12:52,578 Very nice of you to offer to help. 208 00:12:52,579 --> 00:12:55,738 So there is a soft side to La Savage after all. 209 00:12:55,739 --> 00:12:58,299 We don't want police swarming round the place 210 00:12:58,299 --> 00:13:00,539 when our friend arrives later now, do we? 211 00:13:01,939 --> 00:13:04,658 You're not busy, are you? What about a French Plait? 212 00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:08,379 Oh, you're joking, aren't you? I had a Chinese buffet for lunch. 213 00:13:08,379 --> 00:13:11,979 I couldn't eat another thing. Gonna help them look for Madge. 214 00:13:14,779 --> 00:13:16,739 Oh, come on, son! 215 00:13:18,219 --> 00:13:20,258 Have you heard anything? 216 00:13:20,259 --> 00:13:23,778 Not yet. He's gone far too long. It's nearly siesta. 217 00:13:23,779 --> 00:13:26,338 The supermarkets will be closed. Have faith! 218 00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,379 This is him now. 219 00:13:28,379 --> 00:13:31,339 Liam, son, are you OK? 220 00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:36,779 OK, son, just calm down. Speak very slowly. 221 00:13:38,179 --> 00:13:40,379 Which police station are you in? 222 00:13:40,379 --> 00:13:42,259 Gotcha! 223 00:13:45,539 --> 00:13:48,458 Now, it wasn't easy. Some of them were quite tricky. 224 00:13:48,459 --> 00:13:50,939 I thought Saffron was a posh girl's name, 225 00:13:50,939 --> 00:13:53,179 but turns out it's a spice as well. 226 00:13:55,299 --> 00:13:57,659 And don't get me started on cummin! 227 00:13:57,659 --> 00:14:00,179 Wait! There is something missing! 228 00:14:01,019 --> 00:14:03,338 The chicken! 229 00:14:03,339 --> 00:14:06,658 Tell me you got the chicken! 230 00:14:06,659 --> 00:14:08,698 You got the chicken, didn't you, son? 231 00:14:08,699 --> 00:14:10,858 I told you we could not rely on him. 232 00:14:10,859 --> 00:14:14,098 Shhh shhh shhhh! Relax. Of course I did. 233 00:14:14,099 --> 00:14:16,139 What do you think I am, stupid? 234 00:14:16,139 --> 00:14:18,539 So, where is it? 235 00:14:25,819 --> 00:14:28,139 You asked for fresh! 236 00:14:34,179 --> 00:14:37,659 Oh, Jacqueline, that's another one come through. 237 00:14:37,659 --> 00:14:39,659 Oh, let's have a look. 238 00:14:41,179 --> 00:14:47,258 Oh, my goodness, reminds me of the old Amsterdam days. 239 00:14:47,259 --> 00:14:49,778 Are them her legs? It would appear so. 240 00:14:49,779 --> 00:14:53,298 Hello, they're coming thick and fast now. 241 00:14:53,299 --> 00:14:56,338 It must be that picture of Condoleeza Rice 242 00:14:56,339 --> 00:14:59,019 that I put on my profile. 243 00:14:59,019 --> 00:15:01,939 Hmmm, you've a very good likeness in the right light. 244 00:15:25,259 --> 00:15:30,418 It's no good, it's still switched off. Mick, what are we going to do? 245 00:15:30,419 --> 00:15:34,698 Calm down, we'll find her. What if we don't? What if the gang's got her 246 00:15:34,699 --> 00:15:39,778 and they're cutting her up? They're not going to be chopping Nana up. 247 00:15:39,779 --> 00:15:43,258 They're just going to make an incision across her chest. Mick! 248 00:15:43,259 --> 00:15:47,058 Here you are, I've got these, these should help. What are they? 249 00:15:47,059 --> 00:15:49,818 Here we go, we'll find her in no time with these! 250 00:15:49,819 --> 00:15:52,298 You reckon? I think I got the scooter wrong. 251 00:15:52,299 --> 00:15:55,538 No, I don't flamin' reckon. She isn't even on her scooter. 252 00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:58,458 'Answers to the name of'... Christ. She's not a poodle! 253 00:15:58,459 --> 00:16:00,218 I was only trying to help. 254 00:16:00,219 --> 00:16:02,218 Over there! 255 00:16:02,219 --> 00:16:05,338 Madge! Nanna! Stop! 256 00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:08,578 Come on, down here! Stop! Madge! 257 00:16:08,579 --> 00:16:10,619 Stop! Madge! Stop! 258 00:16:10,619 --> 00:16:12,619 Nana! 259 00:16:13,899 --> 00:16:16,099 Quick, quick. Here, here! 260 00:16:16,939 --> 00:16:19,179 Follow that car. 261 00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:23,219 What's Spanish for 'follow that car'? Senor, follow that car! 262 00:16:36,539 --> 00:16:38,898 Hiya. You all right? 263 00:16:38,899 --> 00:16:42,338 Your friend promised me an ice cream but didn't pay up. 264 00:16:42,339 --> 00:16:44,978 How do you mean? She said if I threw my ball at you 265 00:16:44,979 --> 00:16:46,978 she'd buy me an ice cream. 266 00:16:46,979 --> 00:16:49,658 Did she now! 267 00:16:49,659 --> 00:16:53,138 Well, how's about I treat you to one? 268 00:16:53,139 --> 00:16:55,499 Yeah, go on. But first... 269 00:16:55,499 --> 00:16:57,699 I need you to do me a little favour. 270 00:17:04,499 --> 00:17:06,539 Aw, she looks dead sad. Yeah. 271 00:17:06,539 --> 00:17:08,859 Puts me in mind of somebody... 272 00:17:10,259 --> 00:17:14,378 Meryl Streep! What are you two going on about now? 273 00:17:14,379 --> 00:17:17,938 You know, man, that film, what was it called? Um... 274 00:17:17,939 --> 00:17:22,858 Sophie's Choice. Aw, no. Poor Meryl. Do not get too attached. 275 00:17:22,859 --> 00:17:26,098 Soon you have to decide which one of you will be the... 276 00:17:26,099 --> 00:17:29,099 No, we can't do that. Look at her little face. 277 00:17:29,099 --> 00:17:32,579 You have any better ideas? Mateo! 278 00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:36,618 Quick, hide it! 279 00:17:36,619 --> 00:17:38,858 Ah, there you are! How's it coming along? 280 00:17:38,859 --> 00:17:42,258 Good. It is all good! You seem a bit edgy. 281 00:17:42,259 --> 00:17:45,618 Oh, I have a lot to do. This recipe has to be perfect for you. 282 00:17:45,619 --> 00:17:48,778 What was that? What was what? 283 00:17:48,779 --> 00:17:52,258 That! It sounded just like... 284 00:17:52,259 --> 00:17:54,618 There again! 285 00:17:54,619 --> 00:17:59,058 No, no. Ah, that was probably me, I've got this um... 286 00:17:59,059 --> 00:18:02,018 gag reflex to the smell of rice cooking. 287 00:18:02,019 --> 00:18:05,659 Well, it didn't sound like you that time. 288 00:18:05,659 --> 00:18:07,939 No, it was me. Family trait. 289 00:18:14,939 --> 00:18:16,898 Les, it is time. 290 00:18:16,899 --> 00:18:19,098 Liam, it's time. 291 00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:23,658 I'm gonna take her somewhere quiet and then... 292 00:18:23,659 --> 00:18:25,819 No, I... I don't want to know. 293 00:18:25,819 --> 00:18:28,019 Just do it quickly. 294 00:18:36,059 --> 00:18:40,498 Won't that ice cream melt while you're eating your burger? 295 00:18:40,499 --> 00:18:42,979 No, it's not my ice cream. It's Scot's. 296 00:18:42,979 --> 00:18:44,939 Who's Scot? 297 00:18:47,699 --> 00:18:50,419 There you go, Scot. 298 00:18:54,619 --> 00:18:57,099 I know your tricks. You won't break me. 299 00:18:58,139 --> 00:19:00,299 Oh, shit! 300 00:19:01,539 --> 00:19:04,979 Now now! That's not very ladylike is it? 301 00:19:16,819 --> 00:19:18,819 Stop! It's there! 302 00:19:23,059 --> 00:19:25,699 Are you sure that's the same car? Yeah. 303 00:19:28,179 --> 00:19:30,819 Bloody rubbish. We could have walked faster. 304 00:19:35,499 --> 00:19:38,218 What are you doing? Seeing if it's still warm? 305 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,978 I was wondering if this silver goes with my colouring. 306 00:19:40,979 --> 00:19:43,138 This is definitely the car! 307 00:19:43,139 --> 00:19:46,098 Oh! There's still no answer. 308 00:19:46,099 --> 00:19:47,938 Maybe she's all right. 309 00:19:47,939 --> 00:19:51,578 I mean, she didn't exactly look terrified when we saw her. 310 00:19:51,579 --> 00:19:54,738 Hmm, you have to watch these Arabs. I did a week in Sharm el Sheikh. 311 00:19:54,739 --> 00:19:57,058 It's please and thank you getting into the taxi 312 00:19:57,059 --> 00:19:59,658 then the other end the fare's triple what they asked, 313 00:19:59,659 --> 00:20:01,978 and you've got to nosh them off to the bargain. 314 00:20:01,979 --> 00:20:04,379 Oooh, anybody else hungry? 315 00:20:04,379 --> 00:20:06,619 Shh! 316 00:20:13,139 --> 00:20:15,139 Mick! 317 00:20:18,019 --> 00:20:20,178 Oh, hello. Oh my God, Jacqueline. 318 00:20:20,179 --> 00:20:24,258 Are you all right? What are you doing here? 319 00:20:24,259 --> 00:20:27,258 What's going on? Have you seen Madge? Is she sterilised? 320 00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:29,298 Kenneth! 321 00:20:29,299 --> 00:20:32,098 What a lovely surprise. 322 00:20:32,099 --> 00:20:35,138 Mick. Janice. What the hell's going on? 323 00:20:35,139 --> 00:20:37,419 Perhaps we should step outside. 324 00:20:37,419 --> 00:20:40,059 Come on Michael, out. Out! 325 00:20:44,859 --> 00:20:48,338 So, what? Are you involved in all this organ transplant stuff. 326 00:20:48,339 --> 00:20:52,458 Organ transplant? No no no. This is all very consenting. 327 00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:56,458 So, what were you doing in there? Oh, just a bit of role play. 328 00:20:56,459 --> 00:20:59,258 We were supposed to join a session this evening 329 00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:02,299 but we couldn't find an astronaut costume to fit Jacqueline. 330 00:21:02,299 --> 00:21:07,019 Did you say you were looking for Madge? Last time we saw her... Nana! 331 00:21:08,219 --> 00:21:11,418 Oh, Mother, thank God you're all right. Course I'm all right. 332 00:21:11,419 --> 00:21:13,898 We thought you'd been kidnapped. 333 00:21:13,899 --> 00:21:16,818 Kidnapped? What the frig you talking about? 334 00:21:16,819 --> 00:21:19,258 Oh, it don't matter. As long as you're safe. 335 00:21:19,259 --> 00:21:21,538 But I saw that fella drag you into that car. 336 00:21:21,539 --> 00:21:24,178 Oh... There he is! 337 00:21:24,179 --> 00:21:27,499 Madge, is everything all right? 338 00:21:27,499 --> 00:21:32,139 Everybody, I'd like you to meet Mohammed... 339 00:21:42,963 --> 00:21:45,599 Hello. Is everything all right? 340 00:21:45,599 --> 00:21:48,258 Yes, yes. Bit of a heavy afternoon. 341 00:21:48,517 --> 00:21:51,076 My wife has lost most of the feeling in her legs 342 00:21:51,077 --> 00:21:53,876 but we're hoping she'll be all right by this evening. 343 00:21:53,877 --> 00:21:57,036 I hope the accident didn't occur on Solana premises. 344 00:21:57,037 --> 00:22:00,236 Oh, don't worry, there was no accident. Just over did it slightly. 345 00:22:00,237 --> 00:22:02,156 Didn't we? Oh, yeah. 346 00:22:02,157 --> 00:22:03,956 Yes, I see. 347 00:22:03,957 --> 00:22:06,476 Well, plenty of time to relax now. 348 00:22:06,477 --> 00:22:10,756 No, no, we've got another session lined up for this evening. Session? 349 00:22:10,757 --> 00:22:13,236 All credit to this wee gizmo here. 350 00:22:13,237 --> 00:22:15,796 Are you familiar with swing finder? 351 00:22:15,797 --> 00:22:17,876 Swing finder? 352 00:22:17,877 --> 00:22:20,596 Oh yes, the must-have app for the modern day swinger. 353 00:22:20,597 --> 00:22:24,276 Oh, no. It's not another one, is it? 354 00:22:24,277 --> 00:22:26,916 No, it's just confirmation for tonight's session. 355 00:22:26,917 --> 00:22:29,996 Oh, I say, they're sending a car for us. 356 00:22:29,997 --> 00:22:33,197 Now, that's stylish. Oh, lovely. 357 00:22:33,197 --> 00:22:36,837 I'm sure there's room for another if you're at a loose end this evening? 358 00:22:46,637 --> 00:22:48,836 Thank you, Mohammed. You are most welcome. 359 00:22:48,837 --> 00:22:50,956 So, let's get this straight. 360 00:22:50,957 --> 00:22:53,876 You know my mother through Mel. Is that right? 361 00:22:53,877 --> 00:22:56,476 Mel did a bit of business with Mohammed's Dad. 362 00:22:56,477 --> 00:22:59,956 Did he now? I met Madge's husband several times with my father. 363 00:22:59,957 --> 00:23:03,076 Mel told us all about his beautiful wife. 364 00:23:03,077 --> 00:23:06,156 Yeah, he was married before Madge. Mick! 365 00:23:06,157 --> 00:23:09,556 So you just came to Benidorm to see my mother? 366 00:23:09,557 --> 00:23:13,556 Well, I had something to return to Madge. Mel left this behind 367 00:23:13,557 --> 00:23:17,276 in Mohammed's Dad's office, the day before he passed away. 368 00:23:17,277 --> 00:23:20,276 Thankfully this young man had the good grace 369 00:23:20,277 --> 00:23:23,236 to come here to return it to me. 370 00:23:23,237 --> 00:23:25,796 All this way to return a cigarette case and a picture? 371 00:23:25,797 --> 00:23:29,317 I'm sorry. I just don't believe you. What is wrong with you? 372 00:23:29,317 --> 00:23:31,397 Please... Janice? 373 00:23:32,437 --> 00:23:34,997 Beautiful name. 374 00:23:34,997 --> 00:23:36,957 This is my third time here this year. 375 00:23:36,958 --> 00:23:39,796 And every time I have business in Spain at the end of my trip, 376 00:23:39,797 --> 00:23:41,716 I spend a couple of days here 377 00:23:41,717 --> 00:23:44,556 and wonder if I will find the wonderful woman 378 00:23:44,557 --> 00:23:48,756 Mel spoke of with so much passion and respect. 379 00:23:48,757 --> 00:23:50,797 We have a saying in my country... 380 00:23:50,797 --> 00:23:55,997 You must look in many fields before you find the missing cow. 381 00:23:57,277 --> 00:23:59,197 Yeah, we have a saying in my country... 382 00:23:59,198 --> 00:24:01,276 You're talking absolute bollocks. 383 00:24:01,277 --> 00:24:03,916 Nobody spends a year looking for someone they never met 384 00:24:03,917 --> 00:24:06,516 to give them a crappy old cig case and a worn out photo. 385 00:24:06,517 --> 00:24:08,677 He brought his lighter as well. 386 00:24:08,677 --> 00:24:10,877 Well, at five for a pound that's saved you 20p. 387 00:24:11,957 --> 00:24:15,516 Mr Garvey, I understand your scepticism. 388 00:24:15,517 --> 00:24:19,036 As a son in law, you obviously have a love and respect for Madge 389 00:24:19,037 --> 00:24:22,916 that knows no bounds. But when I discovered Mel died in Marrakech, 390 00:24:22,917 --> 00:24:26,876 and that I had been one of the last people he spoke to, 391 00:24:26,877 --> 00:24:29,516 I felt passing on his possessions, however small, 392 00:24:29,517 --> 00:24:33,156 was the right thing to do. The honourable thing to do. 393 00:24:33,157 --> 00:24:36,996 We thought you were gonna cut my nana up and sell her organs. 394 00:24:36,997 --> 00:24:40,116 Apparently there's a gang in Benidorm 395 00:24:40,117 --> 00:24:42,436 kidnapping people and selling their organs. 396 00:24:42,437 --> 00:24:45,516 On the telly, it said they even sell their skin. 397 00:24:45,517 --> 00:24:48,236 Yeah, when we heard our Michael had seen you grab Madge 398 00:24:48,237 --> 00:24:52,036 we thought you were a hitman for World of Leather. This makes sense. 399 00:24:52,037 --> 00:24:55,476 So the woman with the red hair, perhaps she was from this gang. 400 00:24:55,477 --> 00:24:57,996 Yeah, this woman with red hair tried to grab me. 401 00:24:57,997 --> 00:25:02,076 She was with two fellas and a white van. A white van! 402 00:25:02,077 --> 00:25:05,076 That's them! Oh, my God, Mother! 403 00:25:05,077 --> 00:25:08,276 But Mohammed grabbed me off her and put me in his car. 404 00:25:08,277 --> 00:25:11,436 What are you doing?! Get your hands off her! 405 00:25:11,437 --> 00:25:14,236 What are you doing? Get off me! 406 00:25:14,237 --> 00:25:16,636 Get off me! 407 00:25:16,637 --> 00:25:18,636 Who are you?! 408 00:25:18,637 --> 00:25:21,757 You saved my nana's life! 409 00:25:21,757 --> 00:25:24,997 Oh. Please, I only did what anyone else would do. 410 00:25:27,237 --> 00:25:30,836 I would like you to be my guests for dinner this evening at my hotel, 411 00:25:30,837 --> 00:25:33,196 The Asia Gardens. Oooh, that sounds nice. 412 00:25:33,197 --> 00:25:36,837 No, you've saved my mother's life. 413 00:25:36,837 --> 00:25:38,957 We'll be buying you dinner tonight. 414 00:25:40,357 --> 00:25:42,557 Mick? 415 00:25:42,557 --> 00:25:45,317 Well... He's just said he wants to buy us dinner. 416 00:25:47,357 --> 00:25:49,636 All right... 417 00:25:49,637 --> 00:25:53,717 Yeah, we'll take you to a little place we know, not far from here. 418 00:25:53,717 --> 00:25:57,197 It's very exclusive. It's called Neptunes. 419 00:26:11,877 --> 00:26:13,916 Have you seen my dad? No. Why? 420 00:26:13,917 --> 00:26:17,396 Well, between me and you, he's gone to choke the chicken. 421 00:26:17,397 --> 00:26:19,436 Only... 422 00:26:19,437 --> 00:26:23,116 He's been gone 20 minutes so I think he might be struggling. 423 00:26:23,117 --> 00:26:26,636 It's an age thing. He likes to think he's hard, but... 424 00:26:26,637 --> 00:26:29,076 Right. Maybe I should go and give him a hand. 425 00:26:29,077 --> 00:26:33,236 OK... I tried earlier but I couldn't finish it off 426 00:26:33,237 --> 00:26:36,876 so he went out the back to try and finish it himself. Poor Meryl... 427 00:26:36,877 --> 00:26:38,917 Meryl? 428 00:26:38,917 --> 00:26:41,277 That's his little pet name for it. 429 00:26:44,477 --> 00:26:46,436 Well, helloooo. 430 00:26:46,437 --> 00:26:50,396 Joyce Temple Savage, welcome to The Solana. 431 00:26:50,397 --> 00:26:52,436 You must be Victor. 432 00:26:52,437 --> 00:26:54,636 Victor St James. Costa Class magazine. 433 00:26:54,637 --> 00:26:57,876 Thank you for coming, we're delighted... I'll tell you something. 434 00:26:57,877 --> 00:27:01,556 I am absolutely busting for the bog. 435 00:27:01,557 --> 00:27:05,916 Well, we have full toilet facilities on all levels. 436 00:27:05,917 --> 00:27:09,276 This drinking pints is no use for me. 437 00:27:09,277 --> 00:27:12,477 I'll siphon the python and meet you for a cheeky half in the bar? 438 00:27:12,477 --> 00:27:14,717 Over here, yeah? 439 00:27:17,117 --> 00:27:21,596 I'm telling you, man, she's got this way of looking at you. 440 00:27:21,597 --> 00:27:24,396 It is a he, not a she! What? 441 00:27:24,397 --> 00:27:28,317 It is a cock. I know a cock when I see one. 442 00:27:28,317 --> 00:27:31,077 Well, it's as if he's looking right into your soul. 443 00:27:32,197 --> 00:27:34,236 I couldn't do it, man. 444 00:27:34,237 --> 00:27:37,756 Ah, you will not hurt a chicken but you will see my family starve. 445 00:27:37,757 --> 00:27:41,636 Because if I don't get this paella right, I will get fired! 446 00:27:41,637 --> 00:27:44,076 Can we not make a vegetarian paella? 447 00:27:44,077 --> 00:27:46,116 Vegetarian? 448 00:27:46,117 --> 00:27:48,597 This is Spain, we eat meat! 449 00:27:48,597 --> 00:27:52,397 Hostia! I will have to take care of this myself. 450 00:27:53,797 --> 00:27:55,837 It takes a real man to do a man's job. 451 00:27:55,837 --> 00:27:57,837 I will be back shortly. 452 00:28:07,957 --> 00:28:09,917 Room for a little one? 453 00:28:09,917 --> 00:28:11,917 Oh, of course. 454 00:28:15,197 --> 00:28:19,597 I say... Isn't it a lovely colour of blue, the water in Spain. 455 00:28:19,597 --> 00:28:21,597 Yes. 456 00:28:23,237 --> 00:28:27,436 Noreen, I just wanted to say sorry about earlier. 457 00:28:27,437 --> 00:28:29,476 I was a bit off. 458 00:28:29,477 --> 00:28:31,756 Oh, don't worry about it. 459 00:28:31,757 --> 00:28:36,196 What do you say I take you out for a nice meal tonight? 460 00:28:36,197 --> 00:28:38,236 My way of saying sorry. 461 00:28:38,237 --> 00:28:40,837 We could eat at Neptune's. 462 00:28:40,837 --> 00:28:42,837 I said, 'A NICE meal'. 463 00:28:45,277 --> 00:28:47,676 Oh, why the heck not? 464 00:28:47,677 --> 00:28:51,037 We're on holiday. It's nice to do something a bit different. 465 00:28:51,037 --> 00:28:52,997 Yes. 466 00:29:00,557 --> 00:29:03,196 Oh, I'm really sorry, Victor, 467 00:29:03,197 --> 00:29:05,156 I didn't realise you were here. 468 00:29:05,157 --> 00:29:08,317 I've been waiting for you outside the loo. 469 00:29:08,317 --> 00:29:10,317 Careful. That's how I got started. 470 00:29:12,117 --> 00:29:13,916 Oh, Kenneth. 471 00:29:13,917 --> 00:29:18,076 Shouldn't you be manning the international beauty salon? 472 00:29:18,077 --> 00:29:23,316 We're very lucky to have Kenneth. He's very big all over the Costas. 473 00:29:23,317 --> 00:29:25,356 Chance would be a fine thing. 474 00:29:25,357 --> 00:29:29,836 He was just telling me about his celebrity client list. Celebrity? 475 00:29:29,837 --> 00:29:32,077 Apparently he's done them all. 476 00:29:32,077 --> 00:29:34,037 Yeah, and I've cut their hair. 477 00:29:36,317 --> 00:29:38,436 So, how do you style Elton John's hair? 478 00:29:38,437 --> 00:29:40,436 Between me and you, Victor, 479 00:29:40,437 --> 00:29:43,316 I just pop it on an eco wash and tumble dry it for half an hour. 480 00:29:43,317 --> 00:29:46,237 He's none the wiser. 481 00:29:46,237 --> 00:29:49,397 Kenneth, could I have a little word with one? Do excuse us. 482 00:29:53,197 --> 00:29:54,956 What are you playing at? 483 00:29:54,957 --> 00:29:57,837 Have you been sniffing the perming solution again? 484 00:29:57,837 --> 00:29:59,957 No, I'm trying to inject a bit of excitement. 485 00:30:00,037 --> 00:30:01,796 He was in Loret De Mar last week, 486 00:30:01,797 --> 00:30:04,756 and he gave this place five stars cos it had quilted bog roll. 487 00:30:04,757 --> 00:30:07,796 He knows his onions, this one. I'm sure I can handle it. 488 00:30:07,797 --> 00:30:11,356 I've had a lot of experience dealing with high class clientele. 489 00:30:11,357 --> 00:30:14,636 High class? You've got to be joking! He's rough as a badger's arse. 490 00:30:14,637 --> 00:30:17,676 Victor may be presenting himself as an uncouth Northerner 491 00:30:17,677 --> 00:30:20,277 with low standards and a coarse turn of phrase, 492 00:30:20,277 --> 00:30:22,077 but it's a ploy to catch us off guard. 493 00:30:26,517 --> 00:30:29,436 Victor. Could I offer you one of our signature cocktails? 494 00:30:29,437 --> 00:30:32,997 Any brown ale'll do for me, Jill. Joyce. 495 00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:36,997 And fetch us some more of them nuts, will you? 496 00:30:43,157 --> 00:30:45,757 Shh, I think that's them. What's he doing, man? 497 00:30:46,837 --> 00:30:49,797 Aw, what have you let it out the cage for? 498 00:30:49,797 --> 00:30:53,397 He's got this way of looking at you. 499 00:30:55,677 --> 00:30:58,797 It's OK, Meryl. It's OK. 500 00:31:00,157 --> 00:31:02,276 Be very quiet. 501 00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:04,316 Stay very still. 502 00:31:04,317 --> 00:31:06,517 When he does not expect it, I will pounce. 503 00:31:06,517 --> 00:31:10,717 One, two, three... 504 00:31:21,597 --> 00:31:23,997 You grab the legs. The legs! 505 00:31:54,333 --> 00:31:58,772 Here at Neptunes, we offer live entertainment seven nights a week. 506 00:31:58,851 --> 00:32:01,770 Right. You'll notice a nautical theme throughout, 507 00:32:02,130 --> 00:32:04,249 reflecting the name, Neptunes, 508 00:32:04,250 --> 00:32:06,889 coming from the Latin for sea, 509 00:32:06,890 --> 00:32:11,690 as in Nep, and tunes... as inmusic. 510 00:32:11,690 --> 00:32:14,530 So, Victor, what do you think so far? 511 00:32:15,330 --> 00:32:19,169 To be honest with you, it's all right. 512 00:32:19,170 --> 00:32:23,489 All right? Place like this, there's only so much you can do with it. 513 00:32:23,490 --> 00:32:26,889 This is bargain bucket stuff this, ain't it, love, hey? 514 00:32:26,890 --> 00:32:30,529 Don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving the punters what they want, 515 00:32:30,530 --> 00:32:33,689 but this lot here, egg and chips, dose of prickly heat, 516 00:32:33,690 --> 00:32:36,209 they're like pigs in shit. Well, I wouldn't say... 517 00:32:36,210 --> 00:32:39,489 But the crowd that run it aren't daft. That's why they've got you in. 518 00:32:39,490 --> 00:32:43,209 Well, exactly. Any more crisps? 519 00:32:43,210 --> 00:32:46,849 Oh, this is Mateo Castellanos. He's our head barman. 520 00:32:46,850 --> 00:32:49,289 He's very experienced 521 00:32:49,290 --> 00:32:53,369 and always goes that extra mile with the customers. 522 00:32:53,370 --> 00:32:56,769 Mateo, could you please get Mr St James a selection of nibbles? 523 00:32:56,770 --> 00:33:02,369 Mateo! A selection of nibbles for Mr St James, please. 524 00:33:02,370 --> 00:33:06,850 What is "nibbles"? And some dips and crudites if you please. 525 00:33:06,850 --> 00:33:10,810 I do not know what any of these things are. 526 00:33:14,050 --> 00:33:17,649 Very conscientious member of staff. 527 00:33:17,650 --> 00:33:22,250 He must be looking for some broken glass or sundry items. 528 00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:25,650 I'll get you some more crisps. 529 00:33:28,250 --> 00:33:30,289 I cannot find it anywhere. 530 00:33:30,290 --> 00:33:32,329 Leave it to our Liam, he'll find it. 531 00:33:32,330 --> 00:33:35,129 Right, vegetarian paella coming up! 532 00:33:35,130 --> 00:33:38,209 Oh, no! Liam son! 533 00:33:38,210 --> 00:33:42,169 What has he done now? He's left the heat on, man, it's ruined! 534 00:33:42,170 --> 00:33:44,209 Oh, no. 535 00:33:44,210 --> 00:33:46,489 That's it! It's all over. 536 00:33:46,490 --> 00:33:50,049 Ah, well, as my old dad used to say... 'You can't polish a turd, 537 00:33:50,050 --> 00:33:52,610 but you can spray it with air freshener.' 538 00:33:52,610 --> 00:33:55,850 What does it mean? It means we go to plan B! 539 00:33:57,410 --> 00:33:59,449 But you cannot cook. 540 00:33:59,450 --> 00:34:04,090 You want a bet? I was a chef on the oil rigs before our Liam was born. 541 00:34:04,090 --> 00:34:08,530 What I can't do with a couple of gas rings and a wooden spoon is nobody's business. 542 00:34:14,330 --> 00:34:17,369 Well, that was lovely. 543 00:34:17,370 --> 00:34:19,649 I've never had seal before. 544 00:34:19,650 --> 00:34:21,969 I think you'll find that was veal, Noreen. 545 00:34:21,970 --> 00:34:25,290 Was it? Better not tell our Geoff. 546 00:34:25,290 --> 00:34:28,330 He's very funny about that sort of thing. 547 00:34:30,970 --> 00:34:33,009 Are you missing your fella? 548 00:34:33,010 --> 00:34:35,849 I'm managing. 549 00:34:35,850 --> 00:34:40,649 What about that nice chap that has the hairdressers? 550 00:34:40,650 --> 00:34:42,769 What about him? 551 00:34:42,770 --> 00:34:45,169 Well, would you and him not make a nice couple? 552 00:34:45,170 --> 00:34:48,209 Troy and I haven't actually split up. 553 00:34:48,210 --> 00:34:51,769 And besides, I don't think he'd really be my type. 554 00:34:51,770 --> 00:34:53,809 No, true. 555 00:34:53,810 --> 00:34:57,049 I mean, he's quite butch, isn't he? 556 00:34:57,050 --> 00:35:03,969 Everything's so out in the open these days. 557 00:35:03,970 --> 00:35:07,329 In my day, it was all hush hush. 558 00:35:07,330 --> 00:35:13,209 I remember a lovely young lass called Georgie Smith. 559 00:35:13,210 --> 00:35:15,849 She ran the mobile shop. 560 00:35:15,850 --> 00:35:21,089 Everybody said they thought she was a bit... You know? 561 00:35:21,090 --> 00:35:24,289 Really? 562 00:35:24,290 --> 00:35:26,729 Just because she wore steel cap boots 563 00:35:26,730 --> 00:35:29,770 and made me lift up my skirt and show her my knees 564 00:35:29,770 --> 00:35:33,050 before she'd give me my change. 565 00:35:34,210 --> 00:35:36,049 I don't know. 566 00:35:36,050 --> 00:35:38,089 Would you like a dessert? 567 00:35:38,090 --> 00:35:41,289 I don't think so, thank you. 568 00:35:41,290 --> 00:35:44,449 It's always best not to go on a full stomach. 569 00:35:44,450 --> 00:35:48,890 Remember that night with the lovely couple from Hemel Hempstead? 570 00:35:48,890 --> 00:35:52,610 How could I forget? Scotch egg and Guinness is a heady mix indeed. 571 00:35:53,970 --> 00:35:55,810 Still no sign of the driver. 572 00:35:55,810 --> 00:35:59,410 I'm sure it'll all be fine, though. It seems very well organised. 573 00:36:01,090 --> 00:36:06,369 Seeing as we're celebrating my nana not being kidnapped and chopped up 574 00:36:06,370 --> 00:36:09,289 can I have a proper drink? How many times? No! 575 00:36:09,290 --> 00:36:11,489 But, Mam... I know. 576 00:36:11,490 --> 00:36:14,049 You're 13. You can have a ginger beer. 577 00:36:14,050 --> 00:36:16,289 What's that? It's as good as it gets, son. 578 00:36:16,290 --> 00:36:19,769 At least it's got the word beer in it. Nice one. 579 00:36:19,770 --> 00:36:23,209 This food is very interesting. 580 00:36:23,210 --> 00:36:26,569 I don't think I have tasted anything like this before. 581 00:36:26,570 --> 00:36:29,489 No, you won't have done. What's the food like in Marrakech? 582 00:36:29,490 --> 00:36:32,289 I bet it's not like this. No, not at all. 583 00:36:32,290 --> 00:36:36,209 It is... How do you say? Fresh. 584 00:36:36,210 --> 00:36:40,730 So um... What kind of business are you in, Mohammed? 585 00:36:40,730 --> 00:36:43,210 You've obviously got a lot of time on your hands. 586 00:36:43,211 --> 00:36:45,569 Have you got absolutely no manners whatsoever? 587 00:36:45,570 --> 00:36:48,849 I work for my father. He has many business interests. 588 00:36:48,850 --> 00:36:50,769 He first started many years ago 589 00:36:50,770 --> 00:36:53,409 making rugs for three hotel chains in Marrakech. 590 00:36:53,410 --> 00:36:55,289 In fact, the first time I met Mel, 591 00:36:55,290 --> 00:36:57,289 he was admiring a rug in my father's shop. 592 00:36:57,290 --> 00:36:59,929 Don't tell us. He bought one and never paid for it? 593 00:36:59,930 --> 00:37:01,929 How much do we owe you? 594 00:37:01,930 --> 00:37:05,129 My father now owns all three of those hotel chains. 595 00:37:05,130 --> 00:37:09,289 He still has his rug shop. He kept it out of sentimental reasons. 596 00:37:09,290 --> 00:37:14,129 But there is a small matter of Mel's business dealings in Marrakech. 597 00:37:14,130 --> 00:37:16,049 I wondered how long it would take. 598 00:37:16,050 --> 00:37:20,289 Mel had invested a considerable amount of money in Marrakech. 599 00:37:20,290 --> 00:37:22,569 I would like to help you to retrieve it. 600 00:37:22,570 --> 00:37:24,649 You what? 601 00:37:24,650 --> 00:37:28,289 We can discuss that tomorrow. This is not a time for business. 602 00:37:28,290 --> 00:37:31,289 This is a time for remembrance and celebration. 603 00:37:31,290 --> 00:37:34,409 Celebration of the life of a good man. 604 00:37:34,410 --> 00:37:37,849 Here here. Well, we don't mind talking about business now, do we? 605 00:37:37,850 --> 00:37:40,489 Here's to Mel Harvey. 606 00:37:40,490 --> 00:37:44,570 What are we talking about, Mohammed, like a property? A bar? What? 607 00:37:44,570 --> 00:37:48,170 Tomorrow. Mel Harvey! 608 00:37:50,370 --> 00:37:52,690 Dad, are you all right? You're sweating. 609 00:37:58,410 --> 00:38:01,210 Yeah, it's the first time I've ever worn a kilt. 610 00:38:01,210 --> 00:38:05,210 Quite nice in this heat, because it lets all the air into your bits. 611 00:38:07,050 --> 00:38:09,090 What's up with your face? 612 00:38:09,090 --> 00:38:13,730 I think I know exactly what game Mr St James is playing. 613 00:38:13,810 --> 00:38:16,369 He is trying to lure me into dropping my guard, 614 00:38:16,370 --> 00:38:19,009 but I'm afraid he's picking on the wrong character. 615 00:38:19,010 --> 00:38:21,049 Can I have a quiet word, Mrs Savage? 616 00:38:21,050 --> 00:38:23,409 Where's Mateo, where's this paella? 617 00:38:23,410 --> 00:38:26,849 It's just coming. Mateo says he's very sorry about the delay, 618 00:38:26,850 --> 00:38:29,929 but he had to make a few minor adjustments to the recipe. 619 00:38:29,930 --> 00:38:31,929 Ah, I needed that. 620 00:38:31,930 --> 00:38:34,209 Victor, this is Les. 621 00:38:34,210 --> 00:38:38,729 He is one of several Michelin star chefs who work at our Solana. 622 00:38:38,730 --> 00:38:40,689 Nice to meet you. Michelin star? 623 00:38:40,690 --> 00:38:44,650 Do you know Francoise Chelley? Name rings a bell. 624 00:38:44,650 --> 00:38:46,570 Did he play for Carlisle? 625 00:38:48,770 --> 00:38:52,729 Ah, here we are. I asked the kitchen staff to make you something special. 626 00:38:52,730 --> 00:38:55,770 Come on. I'm sure Mr St James is bound to be hungry. 627 00:38:55,770 --> 00:38:58,490 He's only had... Eight. Eight bags of crisps. 628 00:39:08,090 --> 00:39:10,489 Ta da! 629 00:39:10,490 --> 00:39:13,209 Bangers and mash?! 630 00:39:13,210 --> 00:39:16,929 Ah, but with proper English bangers. None of your Spanish shite! 631 00:39:16,930 --> 00:39:19,409 Oh, my God. Victor, I'm so sorry. 632 00:39:19,410 --> 00:39:23,369 I specifically asked the kitchen to make you a traditional Spanish dish. 633 00:39:23,370 --> 00:39:26,490 You what? Traditional Spanish? 634 00:39:26,490 --> 00:39:28,650 I can't be buggered with any of that muck. 635 00:39:29,210 --> 00:39:31,290 No, this is proper grub, this is. 636 00:39:31,290 --> 00:39:34,290 Like I told you, Jill, give the punters what they want. 637 00:39:35,690 --> 00:39:39,050 Well, don't just stand there. Get us a knife and fork. 638 00:39:50,130 --> 00:39:52,210 Well, I must say, Eliza Doolittle, 639 00:39:52,210 --> 00:39:54,690 your transformation to a lady is almost complete. 640 00:39:55,770 --> 00:39:58,849 And so is my 20 Euro reward. Don't remind me. 641 00:39:58,850 --> 00:40:01,929 I hope you're gonna put it towards getting wasted tonight. 642 00:40:01,930 --> 00:40:05,209 Maybe. I might just take it easy though. 643 00:40:05,210 --> 00:40:08,490 There's a sightseeing tour of a local church tomorrow morning. 644 00:40:08,490 --> 00:40:10,290 I want to be up for that. 645 00:40:11,290 --> 00:40:13,769 You're not serious, are you? 646 00:40:13,770 --> 00:40:17,569 Why not?! I've been missing out on culture and polite society. 647 00:40:17,570 --> 00:40:20,209 I might just give it a shot. 648 00:40:20,210 --> 00:40:23,649 Better than lying in bed nursing a hangover? 649 00:40:23,650 --> 00:40:26,769 I've created a bleedin' monster! I want my best mate back, 650 00:40:26,770 --> 00:40:30,049 the one that farts and swears and arm wrestles for drinks! 651 00:40:30,050 --> 00:40:34,330 She's a thing of the past, Sam. This is the new and improved me. 652 00:40:34,330 --> 00:40:37,970 Right, one more, then an early night, I think. 653 00:40:42,490 --> 00:40:45,769 Are you sure I can't tempt you to a cafe con leche by the pool? 654 00:40:45,770 --> 00:40:48,489 Nah. Victor... 655 00:40:48,490 --> 00:40:51,329 Let's cut to the chase. 656 00:40:51,330 --> 00:40:54,409 You what? We both know what's been going on. 657 00:40:54,410 --> 00:40:57,289 I've had 25 years in the service industry. 658 00:40:57,290 --> 00:41:00,409 It takes a lot to pull the wool over my eyes. 659 00:41:00,410 --> 00:41:02,769 Oh... right. OK then. 660 00:41:02,770 --> 00:41:05,329 How does 400 sound? 661 00:41:05,330 --> 00:41:07,489 What? 662 00:41:07,490 --> 00:41:09,769 OK. 350, provided you make it British money. 663 00:41:09,770 --> 00:41:12,209 Exchange rate's crap at the minute. 664 00:41:12,210 --> 00:41:15,649 I don't know what you're talking about. Ah, I see what you're doing. 665 00:41:15,650 --> 00:41:17,689 Bit exposed here, is it? 666 00:41:17,690 --> 00:41:21,489 We can always go through somewhere a bit more private and discuss it. 667 00:41:21,490 --> 00:41:23,209 Hang on. 668 00:41:23,210 --> 00:41:26,489 You want me to pay for this review? Of course I do! 669 00:41:26,490 --> 00:41:29,929 How else is a dump like this going to get a decent write up? 670 00:41:29,930 --> 00:41:32,689 350? Yeah. 671 00:41:32,690 --> 00:41:35,769 I can't afford that. It's deal or no deal? 672 00:41:35,770 --> 00:41:38,650 You have a think about it. I'll just nip off to the... 673 00:41:38,650 --> 00:41:40,570 The bog. I know. 674 00:41:47,770 --> 00:41:49,849 All right, gorgeous. 675 00:41:49,850 --> 00:41:51,689 Hiya. 676 00:41:51,690 --> 00:41:54,689 I was just uh... admiring the view. 677 00:41:54,690 --> 00:41:56,689 Of what? 678 00:41:56,690 --> 00:41:58,769 Oh, I see. 679 00:41:58,770 --> 00:42:02,129 If I'd known that, I would have charged you. 680 00:42:02,130 --> 00:42:05,489 Oh, I'm sorry. 681 00:42:05,490 --> 00:42:07,929 Um... 682 00:42:07,930 --> 00:42:09,849 How does 20 Euros sound? 683 00:42:09,850 --> 00:42:11,569 I beg your pardon. 684 00:42:11,570 --> 00:42:13,409 All right. 25. 685 00:42:13,410 --> 00:42:15,569 They don't half push their luck around here. 686 00:42:15,570 --> 00:42:19,649 You really need to move your hand! 687 00:42:19,650 --> 00:42:22,130 I think it's fine where it is. Do you? 688 00:42:22,130 --> 00:42:24,530 Excuse me one minute! 689 00:42:31,610 --> 00:42:33,650 What's that for? 690 00:42:41,850 --> 00:42:44,770 20 Euros? Dickhead. 691 00:42:44,770 --> 00:42:46,730 50... and I might have thought about it. 692 00:42:49,490 --> 00:42:53,530 Eliza has left the building! 693 00:42:57,970 --> 00:43:00,050 Still no sign. I don't understand it. 694 00:43:00,050 --> 00:43:03,290 I'll pop to the ladies and freshen up. 695 00:43:15,130 --> 00:43:17,130 Mmm? 696 00:43:19,930 --> 00:43:21,969 Party... Party. 697 00:43:21,970 --> 00:43:25,049 Ah, yes! Party of two. I got the manager to call us a taxi. 698 00:43:25,050 --> 00:43:29,489 I don't trust the ones on the street! Yes, that's us. 699 00:43:29,490 --> 00:43:32,409 Rose. Ah, yes, she's an English rose. 700 00:43:32,410 --> 00:43:34,489 Come on, Noreen. Let's head back! 701 00:43:34,490 --> 00:43:36,489 Wait. 702 00:43:36,490 --> 00:43:39,329 Before we go, a toast! 703 00:43:39,330 --> 00:43:42,410 Here's to making mistakes! 704 00:43:42,410 --> 00:43:44,410 Mistakes! 705 00:43:51,930 --> 00:43:54,289 Donald, I've just figured out what's wrong. 706 00:43:54,290 --> 00:43:57,050 I'm not wearing my secret signal. 707 00:43:57,050 --> 00:44:00,290 Of course. They'll be able to spot us now. 708 00:44:04,610 --> 00:44:07,970 Did they tell you where we are going at the restaurant? The Solana. 709 00:44:07,970 --> 00:44:10,090 Si. Si. 710 00:44:14,250 --> 00:44:17,930 I always get the ones that don't speak any English. Oh, sod it. 711 00:44:17,930 --> 00:44:21,970 I'm not going to worry any more. Que Sara Sara! Que Sara Sara! 712 00:44:26,890 --> 00:44:28,930 Just nod. It's easier. 713 00:44:28,930 --> 00:44:31,810 Si, senor! 714 00:44:39,290 --> 00:44:41,769 Oh. Ah! 715 00:44:41,770 --> 00:44:45,489 I am so sorry, Victor! I hope you won't hold this against us. 716 00:44:45,490 --> 00:44:48,049 Because, I wouldn't want... If you don't mind... 717 00:44:48,050 --> 00:44:51,249 I think I'll just step outside for a spot of air. Oh! 718 00:44:51,250 --> 00:44:53,850 I'm feeling a little bit... Yes. Just a minute. Um... 719 00:44:53,850 --> 00:44:55,850 There. 720 00:45:06,570 --> 00:45:10,209 Everything all right, Mrs Savage? Les, it's a disaster. 721 00:45:10,210 --> 00:45:12,489 I wouldn't worry. He seemed to enjoy himself. 722 00:45:12,490 --> 00:45:15,330 What sort of stuff is he going to print about us now? 723 00:45:15,330 --> 00:45:18,490 It'll take a miracle to get us out of this. 724 00:45:23,250 --> 00:45:25,689 Excuse me. Do you have a light? 725 00:45:25,690 --> 00:45:27,530 I don't smoke, darling. 726 00:45:27,530 --> 00:45:30,090 You must have healthy lungs then? 727 00:45:31,890 --> 00:45:34,490 Not as healthy as yours, love, hey? 728 00:45:36,050 --> 00:45:38,290 Hey, what's going on?! Hey, what's this?! 729 00:45:38,290 --> 00:45:41,130 What's happening? What are you doing?