Original subtitles

Love NPR.

Look at this guy. Hey, buddy.

That's not really called for.

I'm not gonna race you, bro.

What? Come on, bro, are you scared?

Nope. I have no intentions upon breaking the law today.

You're not gonna break the law?

Hey, buddy. Check it out.

Real nice. Put that badonkadonk away. That does not make me wanna race you.

Faggot!

I'm not a homosexual person.

You are.

All right, sir. Well, this here is saying that you are declining the insurance.

Not interested in GPS, you obviously know where you're going.

Just sign right there. You will be good to go.

I gotta ask, man. You look real familiar to me.

We don't know each other. Just go ahead and...

You used to play baseball, didn't you?

Once upon a time, yes, I did.

Yeah, man. Hey, baby... Can I get a picture?

Actually, you know what, sir, I don't do that kind of stuff anymore.

I walked away from celebrity a long time ago and I no longer take pictures, so...

Part of my life is over.

So you gonna big time us now?

We just rented a car from you. We're paying customers.

Yeah, I know.

You're paying for the rental of a Ford Focus, not for a picture of a man.

Whatever. Be a dick about it.

You should be glad somebody wanna take a picture with your washed-up ass.

Hey, Ken. How we doing?

- Everything cool here? - Yeah.

No. I just asked him for a picture and he got all weird and uppity and shit.

I wasn't being uppity.

Ken.

Ken would be happy to give you a photograph, sir.

Just let me see your phone and I'll take a picture.

Yeah, he made it like it was a big deal and everything.

I'll bet he did. That's our Ken.

Come on around, Ken. Step on in. Scooch in there.

Get in there. Why don't everybody squeeze in there and make a Ken sammich?

Good composition. Now let's see a smile.

- Just take the picture, Mark. - Just smile.

Okay. You're doing something weird with your eyebrows. I don't even know.

Right. That'll do.

That's it. That's the one.

There you go. There's your happy memory, sir.

Thank you for choosing Millennial Rent-A-Car.

- I'll be back. - Yeah, you will.

Ken, let me talk to you for a second. You gotta do the dance for the customer.

All right, cool?

Mark, please... Mark, stop.

Okay. You got me, I'm knocked out.

Mark, stop it. Mark. Okay, boom, you got me. I got beat up, okay.

Mark, I'm not doing the "ror-ros."

- Come on. - Okay.

Seriously, can you please stop punching me?

All right. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna take over here.

What I'm gonna have you do is go ahead and wash down a few of the fleet just come in.

You know I've had a full dance card all morning.

- This shit can't wait till after lunch? - No. No, better go ahead and do it now.

I had made a sandwich that I... Was hoping to...

Forget it. I'll wash the cars. Thank you, Mark.

This is a story of a man who won.

By choosing love over fame, fortune, and countless adventures,

I had proven that my heart was true.

I had proven that I was a man who could face any peril.

Hey! What are you doing? Hey!

And fucking crush it in the name of love.

You fucking son of a bitch!

When I rolled back the stone and rose like the mighty phoenix,

there were some who couldn't process the uncut majesty of the event.

And there were some that decided to trump up

bullshit fraudulent life insurance claim charges against me.

But I couldn't be fazed.

And, ultimately, I was rewarded with the hand of my true love in matrimony.

I was rewarded with the birth of a gorgeous daughter.

And life began to take on a beautiful rhythm.

In the end, Kenny Powers didn't get what he wanted.

But he got what he needed.

He didn't win baseball, but he did win life.

Credits roll.

Besides them, on-set bloopers play

in a small box.

Hilarious.

Please finish your juice.

Just finished my feature.

What's a feature, Daddy?

A feature is Hollywood industry jargon for a screenplay.

You know what motion pictures are?

- Human Centipede. - Human Centipede. Yes, Shayna.

- You remember when we watched that film? - They ate the poo-poo.

That's right, they did eat the poo-poo.

And you know what? Those people didn't just make that up on their own.

Someone had to write that they ate poo-poo.

That's what a feature is. That's what a screenplay is.

That's what your dad just did.

- That movie's gross. - Big surprise.

My son got scared by a horror film.

Shayna didn't have a problem with it.

Shayna, you like when they eat the caca, right?

I love you. Look at you. Eating all your carrots. Gone.

Toby's got a goddamn farmer's market on his plate over there.

Toby, eat your fucking carrots.

Okay, okay. Kenny, what is this from the bank?

- Did you apply for a loan? - Yeah, word.

Yeah, yeah. This is the loan I applied for... For the backyard swimming pool.

We don't have money for a pool.

That's why I applied for a loan.

Okay. You know what, I have been running around all day

and we have our friends coming in just a little bit.

Could you please put them to bed?

You know, actually, I was gonna go upstairs and try to put a really tight playlist together

for us to, like, chill to tonight when we have this dinner party.

Right. I... Yeah.

They're the priority.

- So I really need your help. - I know. Just, like...

Super tight playlist could just really set the night off right.

Okay. Yeah, cool. We don't need a playlist.

I'll just put the Saturday chillax-relaxation mix on.

That should probably translate nicely. Perfect.

I love you. I love you so much.

I love you.

I need you to finish up your juice.

What happened?

That vase fell. Now I'm just trying to find the nightly news.

So I had my testosterone levels checked the other day,

a couple weeks ago, and they were very low.

As I kind of figured they were.

But the doctor got me on this application.

- It's like a deodorant. - That's terrific.

- You just roll it on? - Yeah.

It gets me into a position mentally and hormonally

to a place where I am attracted to my wife.

Before it was like I couldn't even get near him.

I would wear basically nothing. And he wouldn't even look my way.

And now it's great. We're very healthy sexually,

- and, yeah, wonderful. - A little too healthy.

Fascinating.

April, I heard you're being honored. Is that true?

- It's really nothing. - What is it? Tell us about it.

It's this silly award because I just sold the most houses this year.

- That's so amazing. That's huge. - Awesome, awesome.

Yeah.

Well, it's not like she sold the most houses in the whole country,

it's just in the region or at her job in this office, not really all the offices.

Yeah, just the region.

Big region. It's a buyer's market, though.

- Yeah. True. - Well, some say.

Some say that the bubble's already burst

and that it's going the other way, too, so who knows?

Who says that?

Just the economic reports I've been reading

have been talking about...

That just don't be so cocky with houses,

because it could all turn around at any moment.

- Yeah. - That's what I've learned.

Oh, my gosh. Having a wife that's so successful...

I mean, most men would be like, "I can't handle it."

I know this one would be terrible. Look at the... Look at eyes. Look at his eyes.

Yeah, I'll do the work, you clean up.

He's so supportive. I mean, really is.

- So sweet, Kenny. - You're like a nice big bra.

You are not.

I shouldn't tell jokes, I'm not the jokester.

- He is and I'll pass. - I'm the joke man.

- He does impressions. - I love your impressions.

- Do one for us. - Do my mother. Do my mother.

It's so funny if you know her.

You better watch yourself.

You're spending too much money on that house.

It's exact.

Well, you know what? I can do impressions too.

This is your guys' kid, the one you guys adopted.

This is him.

Hey, you guys don't look like my parents.

Where are my parents? Where'd my mom and dad go?

Right? This is funny. This is your guys' kid.

I wish you guys would've left me in Vietnam in the foxhole

- instead of taking me here. - That's enough.

- To be around everyone else. - Kenny, that's enough.

- Yes. - That's enough.

Muggy out, isn't it?

Hey, once you're done in here, I need you to drop a Benz in Charlotte.

I'm gonna get butt-fucked in traffic, dude.

Charlotte on rush hour on a Wednesday? Ask Derrick to do it.

I ain't asking anybody. I'm telling you, Ken.

Man, I was hoping to get off early tonight, my wife's getting honored at an event.

Ken.

- Yes, Mark. What? - Ken.

You happen to know who mushed the donuts I brought in today?

I broke a piece off. I wasn't trying to eat the whole thing.

No. I'm not talking about breaking a piece off.

I'm talking about somebody who went in and methodically mushed the donuts.

It's not like a donut got mushed accidental.

It was definitely intentional mushing the donuts.

Well, no. I didn't... Why am I gonna mush donuts?

I don't give a shit about donuts.

You broke a piece off.

Because I'm trying to watch my weight. I wasn't trying to eat the whole thing.

Maybe some people in this job just don't wanna come in here

and be seeing little gifts just that don't mean nothing.

That's peace offerings, man.

Why does there have to even be a peace offering?

Maybe if people just treated people right around here

people wouldn't be trying to have to give peace offerings.

- What are you trying to tell me, Ken? - What are you trying to ask me?

I'm asking if you know who mushed the donuts I brought in.

And what'd I tell you? I said no. I said I broke a piece off.

I'm trying to watch my figure.

If you do hear anything, let me know.

Yeah. Good luck with your investigation, inspector.

I'm not gonna steal anything. You don't have to wait out here with me.

I'll be the judge of that.

All right.

- Here he is, come on. - Hey.

Shit.

Is there any way we can just sign this back here?

No. Come on.

Anna, what a pretty name.

Kenny Powers.

Guy Young.

- Kenny fucking Powers. - Hey.

- What's up, champion? - What's happening, man?

- How you doing? - My old teammate, my God.

- Yeah. - What's it been, like, 15 years?

- Yeah, at least 15. Not since Atlanta. - Hotlanta, right?

Mos def, mos def.

I saw this guy fucking drink firewater out of a hooker's pussy.

- That's right. - No joke.

- Yeah, I forgot about that. - Right out of her pussy.

- And then you fucked her. - And then I fucked her, yeah.

Made my dick sting a little, because of the firewater.

- We were crazy back then. - I know.

So what's happening here? You guys making a movie or something?

No, no. We're not making a movie. I'm not a movie star.

We're making a TV show. I'm a TV star.

- I do Sports Sesh over here. - Yeah. There's...

- That's cool. - It's a sports show.

I'm not familiar with the program.

I don't really keep up with the sporting world anymore.

Hey. You got five minutes? I can give you a Guy Young VIP tour.

Actually, I gotta...

He's dropping off your rental car, Mr. Guy Young.

What do you... What are you... Why? You rent cars now?

Well, actually, more or less the CEO of like a rental car corporation.

Don't you have some paperwork for him to sign?

Yes, Miss Pleasant, I do.

So here's the forms.

This is the other Kenny, he's my assistant manager.

So sign that, right there's cool.

- You also are gonna sign there. - Right here?

You gotta say that the gas tank is full and if you don't bring it back full,

- then we will charge you for it. - Yeah, I usually return it empty.

Okay. Suit yourself. TV star. Doesn't have to worry about gas.

- There's your car. - Thank you, buddy.

Hey, Kenny, before you go,

I'm hosting this charity event at the Ballantyne Hotel Friday night.

It's a little upscale, a little fancy.

Not your cup of tea, but right afterwards there's an after-party.

It's gonna be off the fucking hook.

I'm gonna bring some of my guys from the show.

We hit a little pinch of vintage Kenny P. and it'll be 1998 all over again.

- What do you say? - Yeah.

That does sound like a good time, Guy,

but walked away from the party scene a few years ago.

- I'm a family man now. - Get the fuck out of here.

- Back up. - No, it's true.

I'm... Love my family. I don't party anymore.

Get out of here. Shut up.

The only drug I get off on is my wife and kids

and I get fucked up on them every single night.

What? I feel like I'm looking at a dead man.

I did die, and then I was born again as a family man.

- Well, as long as you're happy, Kenny. - Thrilled. Never been happier.

- Hey, get back to work, all right? Listen. - You, too.

Maybe I'll put you on the list, just in case you change your mind.

I wouldn't bother. I got a corporate takeover I have to oversee, so I'm not gonna be able...

I'm gonna put you on the list anyway.

- Good to see you, Guy. - Good seeing you.

- Take care of yourself. - Who wants an autograph?

Her charm, her work ethic and her tireless spirit

make April the best agent I've ever worked with.

I'd truly be lost without her.

So, without further ado, our MVP,

the one and only, April Powers.

You like me, you really like me.

Well, first off, I just wanna thank everyone that I work with.

You have been so good to me.

You have taught me the tools that I have needed to succeed.

But most of all, I wanna thank my husband, Kenny,

who has always been so supportive of me no matter what.

When I've been working late, he takes care of the kids,

cleaning the poopy diapers, singing lullabies,

cooking for them.

He has become quite the little cook.

Also, when it's just been a rough day, I'm excited to go home

because I know that there is a back rub and a bubble bath waiting for me.

Awww!

So thank you for standing right behind me.

You truly are my wonderful husband.

Fuck! Shit!

Shit! Fuck you!

Cunt! Shit!

Shit! Crap fucking shit!

- God damn it! - There you are.

I was looking for you. What is wrong?

Nothing. Just that place smells bad inside.

Smells like dog shit and pot stickers. Trying to get some fresh air.

Kenny, what is going on? You can tell me.

I don't know.

Just sitting in there and everyone's clapping for you.

Must think of me like some kind of dipshit. I feel like fucking Tim Robbins in there.

Everyone's smiling at me, bitching me out.

So because I'm achieving something that makes you a bitch?

Yes, April.

Every single morning I wake up,

I think about the fact that I fucking walked away from baseball.

I gotta suck my fucking soul in, put a smile on my face,

go about my day.

You have so much to be proud of.

Like what? My shitty job?

- Our lame-ass friends? - Your kids.

Well, Shayna's pretty cool but she's never gonna be a ball player.

Toby. Always trying to challenge my authority.

Little motherfucker thinks he's the head of the household. Fuck him.

You think it's easy for me? Watching you mope around the house.

Mope. Ain't nobody moping.

You know what?

I'm gonna go in there. And I'm gonna try to enjoy myself.

And I hope you will join me.

April.

I'm gonna stay out here in silent protest.

But perhaps you could grab me some of those chili sliders, that'd be very baller.

Maybe some napkins. Arnold Palmer.

Actually, April.

You know what, scratch the Arnold Palmer. Just make it a lemonade.

That's ridiculous, all right. Let's be honest,

I mean, there are already gay athletes in the league.

Just 'cause they're not vocal doesn't mean they're not there.

I know Dontel ain't about that life.

- Are you afraid it's contagious? - I damn sure ain't gonna find out.

No. Way. Boy.

I just want you to take a second, okay,

and just imagine that you're sitting in a dugout

and you're looking across the field and who's there in the other dugout,

is AIDS. A team of AIDS.

Baseball cap on and a uniform. All skinny with lesions.

Saying, "I wanna get in you.

"I wanna get my AIDS right up in you.

"I wanna give this man AIDS. I wanna give this beautiful woman AIDS.

"I wanna give this whole table AIDS."

Well, not on my watch. Not on Guy Young's watch.

We're not gonna let AIDS get more hits than us.

We're not gonna let AIDS strike out more people than us.

No, sir. Not on my watch.

Let's take out our checkbooks. Let's take out our wallets.

And let's all be heroes together and win the World Series against AIDS. Okay?

Let's find a cure.

Let's find a cure for AIDS.

Shit, dude. An AIDS charity. That's a fucking pretty big deal.

Yeah, man. All the top dogs have their own AIDS charities.

War torn countries and natural disasters,

they come and go, but the A-train keeps on rollin'.

You're a good fit for AIDS, man. I'm happy for you.

- That's awesome. - Thank you. Hey, Jed.

Bring the boys over.

Kenny Powers, I want you to meet my Sports Sesh cohorts.

This is three-time Winston Cup champion, Jed Forney.

Hall of Fame linebacker, Jimmy Clay.

And last but not least, former heavyweight champion of the world,

- Rodney "The Hammer" Garcia. - Nice to meet you.

Holy shit. Well, you boys didn't forget to eat your Wheaties?

Hey, you boys ready to pop some champ?

- Hell yeah. - Sure.

Because I put in my brownie points, now I'm ready to point some brownies.

What does "point some brownies" mean?

Fuck some ladies in the ass.

Hey!

Hey, another round of shots.

- Coconut Ciroc, all around. - Man.

- Big fucking spender. - That's so much money.

Shit, man. I'm bippin' daily.

Man, I haven't been to a VIP joint like this in a long time.

It's been a while. Thank you very much.

Hey, don't get it twisted. We splittin' the check now.

I actually only had two sexes on beaches.

Stop actin' like a little bitch, Kenny. You know you rich.

Yeah, I'm rich.

Hey, I'll pay for Kenny.

Hell, I got so much money I don't even know what to do with it.

Hey, this bastard making all that bank selling doo-doo chicken to the poor folk.

Hey, don't be jealous of my chicken chain.

Ain't nobody jealous of your wack-ass chicken chain.

Shit, you know that chicken nasty as a motherfucker

if my black ass won't even eat that shit.

He's black and he won't eat the chicken.

Somebody's buying it.

- Hey, Guy, tell him what you got. - You wanna know what I got?

I'll tell you what I got. I got... I got two Regal Cinemas.

I got a Napa Auto Parts. I got eight Sbarros.

I got I don't know how many Subways.

Hey, Kenny, tell 'em what you got. Tell 'em what you got.

- Don't hold back now. - Yeah.

I got a modest priced home. I got a good deal on it.

- That's nice. - Yeah.

What else, what else? What else you got? Come on now.

I got a family that loves me.

Loves the fuck outta me. They really like me a lot.

- Seriously though... - What the fuck is that?

Something real. What you got?

I'm about to get a pool.

I love pools!

Hey, I swim in my pool every motherfucking day.

Pool! Pools!

I'm gonna get a big motherfucking pool!

Let's all dance!

Please eat your cereal, I'm not playing around.

I need you to eat it right now.

Hey, that's mine!

No, we're not gonna run in the house, please.

Toby, I need you to give her her iPad back, please.

Let's bring the sound down just a decibel, please.

- Good morning. - Hey, good morning.

- Late night? - I guess. Hey, where's the aspirin at?

- Right there. In that drawer. - Here?

- The coffee's ready. - Nice.

And you got this.

Toby, please get ready for school. I'm not gonna say it again.

God damn it.

Look at this guy. This is the guy from before.

Look at his little Sebring.

- Hey, I like that Sebring, bro. - Oh, my God.

He is a real loser.

It's not nice to call people faggots.

Faggots.

This motherfucker's crazy.

What the fuck was that shit?

O-M-F-N-G.

Look at that body damage.

This is structural. What happened here?

Shit, Mark. Shit happened. Just like the saying goes.

And I didn't fill it up with gas either.

Well, I'm gonna need a full report. You're gonna have to do the paperwork.

Your laws mean nothing to me.

Last night I had a taste of the A-list.

And it reminded me of something I've known for a very long time.

I'm better than you.

This little fucking parking lot here, this may be your kingdom, your legacy.

It's a piss in the pool to me.

From this moment forward, I'm getting what's mine.

Fame, money, respect, chicken chains.

And if you doubt that, all of you can suck my nuts.

Suck on them so fucking hard you can't even breath through your mouth,

only through your nose,

but it'll be even hard to do 'cause my fucking fat dick will be clogging that shit.

I'm no longer some slack-jawed dipshit that rents cars.

Now I'm just back to just being a regular to who I am.

You wanna fucking air battle, bitch? Let's fucking air battle.

- Come on, man. - You like that?

- Don't fake punch me. - Put up some fucking defenses.

Don't air punch me.

You're not doing it good naturedly.

Stop, man.

You just connected, man.

Okay, I know. That last one got away from me.

But that is what happens when people get into air battles.

Sometimes they connect, Mark. Sometimes they connect.

I quit.