All language subtitles for what.we.do.in.the.shadows.s06e08.1080p.web.h264-lazycunts-hi

- [crew members clamoring]
- Hello.

Hi.

- Hello.
- Hey.

Okay, moving on.

[Nandor] What is this shit?

Oh... Uh, Hold there, please.

- But I am going home.
- It's just gonna be for a few seconds.

We're just in the middle
of shooting something.

Very cool. What are we shooting?

- Dogs? Criminals?
- [crew member 1] Cut.

I'm not allowed to say,
but what...

[crew member 1]
Adam, we're cutting.

Cut! Brad, can you go to two?

Who is Brad?

Brad's 10-1, copy. Okay.

10'1"! What a tall fellow
this Brad is.

Copy. All right, we're moving
to the dolly shot!

Dolly? Nadja would be devastated
if her dolly was shot.

No, I must intervene.

No. We're going again.

[Adam screams]

Shit, shit, shit.
Shitty, shitty, shit.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
Gentlemen, we are under attack.

A militia has assembled
on our territory.

- [Laszlo] I know!
- It's not a militia.

They're just filming a TV show.

Well, this TV show
has invaded our territory.

They are attacking us
with their trucks

and their lights
and their gigantic Brads.

Nandor thinks
everything is a war.

Yet this time,

he's absolutely right.

- It's called PI Undercover: New York.
- [Nandor gasps]

[Colin] It's a police procedural
in its fourth season.

"Detective Jack Mancuso

is brought to life
with deft sensitivity

by a never-better Cal Bodian."

"Brought to life"?
Who is this man?

Some kind of necromancer?

No. Worse. He's an actor.

[Nandor] Shit.

[Colin] Now, wading down
into the comments.

"Winsomely compelling
copaganda," says C-Rob-69 at...

Oh, wait. That was me.

Drivel for the unwashed.

The Bard, how he weeps.

[thuds]

- What the blazes?
- Fucking

[car alarm beeps]

[Laszlo] Why is there
a fucking truck in our garden?

[crew member 1]
Entering the property.

There's an enemy at the gate.
Hold the line.

- Shit. Guys, I'm so sorry.
- [crew member 2] You good?

Yeah. I'm with the owners.
Yeah, same location.

Don't worry, insurance is gonna
cover all this.

We should disembowel this guy.

- Let's fucking kill him.
- [crew member 3] Quiet on set.

- We're rolling.
- Sorry.

- Sorry.
- Sorry!

♪ Don't sing
If you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
For your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead
You're dead ♪

♪ You're dead
And out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope
And compassion is gone ♪

♪ You've sold out your dream
To the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead
Stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead
And out of this world ♪

Not bad. Not bad at all,
ya stud.

What are you up to,
you creamy snake?

All dressed up
like a bowl of millet.

I am getting ready to go
to a friend's house

for a dinner party,

thank you very much.

You don't have any friends.

Uh, yeah, I do.

I've got the Monster
and my boy, Joel.

Uh, w-what is a Joel? Joel?

I'm always talking about Joel.

We used to work together a few
years ago in the same office.

Pushing paper around,

- generally getting after it.
- Hmm.

Yeah, I love Joel. Could never
bring myself to drain the guy.

So why have we never
heard about him?

Well, he and I drifted apart
a few years ago

when he, uh, married Becky.

He has a very nice,
pinched face.

Anyway, he called me up
last week and was like,

"Hey, bruh. Wanna come over
for some grub, bruh?"

And I was like,
"Sure, bruh. What time, bruh?"

And he was like,
"Uh, 7:00, 7:30, bruh."

- Could I come with you?
- Um...

Why am I doing this?

Ever since I have been
working up the career ladder

at Cannon Capital,

I have been absolutely loving

my deliciously mild
human interactions.

And I really want the chance to,
you know,

practice my human small talk.

"Oh, hey, hon. Love that top.
Where is it from?

Online? Great. I love online.

My allergies are bonkers today.
Sneezing, sneezing, sneezing.

I think I'm gonna go low-key
for my birthday this year."

Or, "I did
the Harris Potter quiz,

and I got Slytherin.
Aw." [chuckles]

You know, I'm trying really hard
to get back to normal with Joel.

And I worry if I showed up
with a nightmare

in a Civil War ghost's dress,
it might freak him the fuck out.

I think it would make you
look like Mr. Bigs

from the Sexy City show

to have such a mouse woman
on your arm.

Squeak, squeak.

Eh. Fuck it, why not? Sure.

Yay.

- [Laszlo] Gizmo!
- [Nandor] Guillermo.

[Laszlo] Wake up,
you little prick.

[Nandor] Get the fuck up.

- What? What? Why? What?
- Invaders have just rammed a hole

- in our garden wall.
- Sorry, I must've fallen asleep.

You need to get up.

We need weapons,
not this fancy-ass shit.

We are about to launch
a counteroffensive.

We need sickles
and scythes and weaponry.

No. Whatever this is,

it sounds like a bad idea.
Don't do it.

We're being invaded.
We will not go empty-handed.

We are about to conquer
a production

known as
PI Undercover: New York.

- What? Are you serious?
- Oh, yes.

- Right now?
- Yes.

- Are they? Move!
- [Laszlo] Wait!

- [Nandor] Guillermo, wait!
- Where? Where?

[Nandor] Guillermo, you cannot
take them on single-handedly.

No. Don't ruin this for me, okay?

That is my favorite show ever.

PIUNY.

[chuckles] It's the perfect
cozy, rainy-day show.

But it's so much more than that.

PI Undercover: New York
is, like,

the crown jewel of the
PI Undercover extended universe.

I mean, I love
the original PI Undercover

and PI Undercover: London,
but PIUNY, ah,

just hits different.

I mean, I've seen every episode,
like, 12 times.

Essentially, it's a meditation
on grief because

It's fantastic.

In fact, last summer I cosplayed
as Jack Mancuso

at the Philadelphia Comic Con.

All the subreddit haters were,
like, so jelly.

Gizmo, you sound like a fuckwit.

Do you think
Cal Bodian's over there?

Do you think he'll sign my zine?

[Guillermo imitates trumpet]

My PI Undercover fanzine.
I've done everything myself.

I just took a guess
about the chest hair.

He wants a Cambodian
to sign his what?

Mmm.

[Colin] Now, fair warning.

The stuff Joel
and I used to talk about

was not necessarily
family-friendly, so...

Like what?

- Eh. Just guy stuff.
- [Scoffs] Like what?

- Don't worry about it.
- Tell me.

- I'll tell you later.
- No, tell me now.

- Boobs.
- Hmm.

[Joel] They're here!

Hey! [chuckles]

- There he is.
- [Nadja chuckling]

- What's up? What's up?
- Oh, my G... What's up?

This is look at him.

- The prodigal cubicle-mate returns.
- Hey!

- Hi.
- Hello.

Thank you so much for coming.

This is Nadja, my girlfriend.

I have heard so much
about you, and wow.

Your top is so lovely and warm.

Reminds me of, um, PSL season.

Pumpkin spice latte.
I love those.

I never know
if people are on... on drugs.

- What... What is all this?
- Oh, Nadja, she's a YouTuber.

Huge, uh, YouTuber.

Search "Carrie Bradshaw walking"
and you'll find my channel.

- She films everything, you know?
- Hello.

- Mostly...
- Welcome.

- [Colin] Oh.
- [Joel] This is Becky.

- [Colin] What the "hecky?" Hi, Becky.
- Hello, Colin. How are you?

I'm well. How are you? Uh,
this is Nadja, my girlfriend.

Nice to pleasure.

Girlfriend. It's... It's lovely
to meet you.

I'm gonna go
check on the salmon.

I hope by salmon you mean wine.
'Cau I'm a woman. I love wine.

No, I meant fish.

Well, ladies to the kitchen, men
to the conversation. [chuckles]

You go do it, girlfriend.

[both chuckle]

Listen, I know you said
no gifts, but, uh,

- there you go. [laughing]
- This is totally unnecessary.

But I ain't mad at it.

I'm surprised you actually
had time to have us over

with the season starting soon

and pitchers and catchers
reporting in, like, 11 days.

Go Mets, right? [chuckles]

You know what? I'm not even
really feeling baseball anymore.

Those fucking rule changes.

- It's a Mike Piazza baseball card.
- Yeah, I didn't know.

- Is it signed?
- It is.

So, I spent the last two weeks
binge-watching every Mets game

from the past seven years.

Baseball is extremely slow,
even for me.

That's a lot of time
I'm not gonna get back.

So, baseball's out.
What are you into now?

- We watch Top Chef.
- Top Chef. Yeah, me too. Me too.

- Cool.
- Where's your bathroom?

I need to do a
a number three. [laughs]

- What?
- Ayo.

I don't un what's a three?

- Remember on our days in the office?
- Yeah.

We would go down
to the third floor

to do our big smelly poos.

- I think I kinda remember that.
- Where's your bathroom?

- It's upstairs.
- Okay.

- [Nadja] So nice.
- [Becky] Thank you.

A little kiss for my "banooney."

And one for me, my banana.

[Nadja and Colin chuckle]

Act normal.

Your taste is just

Thank you.
I just like solid colors.

Hmm. Maroon.

[crew members clamor]

Traveling to base camp.
You over at video village?

Let us storm their base camp.

And lay waste
to their video village.

- [crew member 3] Last looks.
- Indeed they are.

- [Laszlo] Et tu, Seanie?
- Hey, fellas.

- What the shit?
- I rent my bathroom out to the crew.

He has succumbed
to the King's shilling.

Oh, come on.
I do this all the time.

You know how many movies
have wanted to rent

my little potty?

We have lost our greatest ally
to the other side. Let's go.

Think about
all the legendary piss

that's flowing
through those pipes.

Diane Keaton's piss.

Jim Carrey's piss!

Mike Barbooglio's piss!

The salmon smells amazing,
Becky!

I hope it's as good
as Tiffani Faison's

monkfish from Top Chef
season one.

[chuckles]

Please let me help with, um,
the touching and the boiling.

No. No, you're fine. Just relax.

Tell me, how...
how did you and Colin meet?

Oh, yes. Uh...

Let us gossip like
two little brain-dead bitches.

Does, um,
Colin ever talk about me?

- No. That was stupid.
- You know men.

They don't talk about anything

- other than, "Ouch, my balls."
- Yeah. They don't talk about anything.

- Yeah. Except Colin's not like that.
- Scrotum. It's...

Oh. Yes. Sorry?

Colin's not like that.
Colin has never been like that.

Right. Okay.

Colin's not like other men.
He's really sensitive.

And that is why
he is my soft-boiled egg.

I'm very happy for you both.

Sorry. I

I don't wanna see
Colin get hurt, you know?

- He's an incredible person.
- [flutters lips]

I have used my brilliant powers
of deduction

to detect that Becky
is rock-hard in love

with Colin Robinson,

much like Carrie loved Aidan
in the Sexy City show,

which I have watched
every episode of.

Looks like you two ladies
could use some drinks.

Did you wash the lettuce
like I asked, Joel?

I was about to, yes.

So the answer's "no," not "yes"
if you didn't do it.

So the answer's "no."

Okay.

[Guillermo] Cal Bodian
is still in his trailer,

probably preparing for
his first scene of the day.

He usually likes to get to set

and meditate
for an hour beforehand,

then he gets a snack.

Usually a muffin
and a cup of tea.

He's been sober for 17 years.

Oh, my God. There he is!

That's great guys! Thank you!

Oh, wow. You have your muffin.

So cool.

Do you, uh... Do you ever
read any of the fanzines?

Ah. Good evening, sir.
Can I interest you in a meal?

- A succulent Chinese meal?
- Wow.

I'm just saying that's where the PIUNY community
really is, you know?

- Sure.
- In the zines.

Mr. Bodian,
would you come with me?

I have procured
several prostitutes

for your viewing pleasure.

- Oh.
- [Nandor] I will not kill you.

What scene is that for again?

[crew member 4]
Mr. Bodian, we're ready for you.

Okay. Thank you.

- [Nandor] Mr. Bodian But the prostitutes
- What?

No, leave him alone.
Do not hurt Cal Bodian.

This is war.

Doesn't matter.
That man was not the leader.

But he is the main guy
on the show.

He is an actor, Nandor.

A simpleton who paints his face.

He is an empty-headed puppet
who thinks the world loves him,

when in actual fact,
he is nothing more

than a lapdog
begging for scraps.

- Yes.
- [Laszlo] No, he is not the leader.

That would be another devil
who pulls the strings.

The half-wit
they call the director.

Colin Robinson,
did you and Becky

ever have a thing
for each other?

What? No.

She and Joel had some issues,

and I was
a good listener for her.

But that was only because I wanted them
to get back together

'cause Joel was so sad.

I don't know.

I think her vagina
is pulsing for you.

Don't fabricate drama
where there isn't any.

You wanted to come to this party

to see how
the normal people live.

Well, welcome to the wonderful
world of "normalos."

- Enough.
- I do not get you at all.

Halt. Where is your leader?

Thank you.

"AD."

- A director.
- [Laszlo] Yes.

- Now I cut the head of the snake.
- Go in.

Nice day.

Come on, Nandor.

What the fuck are you wearing?

That was actually
the second assistant director,

and he made me
production assistant.

They are short-staffed.

This is all good news.

- We can infiltrate them from the inside.
- Yes, yes.

But first, I must go to crafty
to fetch taffy for scripty.

Oh, shit. Nandor,
you have been seduced

by the siren of show business.

- No, I'm infiltrating like
- [crew member] Where's the PA?

- We're still waiting on
- whatever you said before.

Yes, go Nandor.

Yes, I'm just fetching it.
What is taffy?

Oh, no.

Uh, Sy... Uh, Strai...
Top. Top Gun.

Uh, Top Ramen. Top Chef.
Top... Top... Top hat?

- Uh... Wait. Did you say Top Chef?
- Yes, I did.

- It was Top Chef.
- [screams] Nice one, dude.

[laughs] Is it just me
or is it so hard to locate

a good,
trustworthy handyman these days?

- Yes!
- It is.

When we wanted
to renovate the bathroom,

I decided I'm just gonna
do it myself.

You did a bathroom reno
by yourself?

Yeah, I found
a guy out in Queens

Oh, brother. Here we go.

and he gave us
these beautiful vintage tiles.

- And...
- They're just tiles.

Do you wanna go to see it?
It's gorgeous.

[Nadja chuckles] Uh, yes.

- [Becky] Good luck. [scoffs]
- Yeah.

- [Nadja] Is it dangerous?
- No, it's just boring.

Yeah,
I guess I'm a fucking idiot

'cause I saved us a lot of money
and did a kick-ass job.

- What about that bathroom?
- Yes. Do you wanna see it?

- Yeah. Yes, I'd love to see. [chuckles]
- Okay. Great. Follow me.

[Nadja] Try not to miss me
too much, my love.

Sit here, Colin.

- Right here. I'm just kidding. [laughs]
- [laughs]

Hello, Colin Robinson.

Hello.

Is she, uh... Is she good to you?

- Who?
- Your girlfriend. [scoffs]

- Sorry. I hope she's good to you.
- Oh.

You... You deserve it.

Yeah, yeah. I think, you know

Well, yeah, I think
we get along really well.

It's nothing as special
as what you and Joel have.

Joel? [chuckles] Yeah. Ol' Joel.

We've had our ups and downs
over the years.

Yeah. That'll happen.

When it does, I

I just remember

you were the only one
I could talk to about it.

Do you miss our talks,
Colin Robinson?

[chuckles]

Yeah, uh...

Ready for you on set.

I think he is slumbering.

Go to two. Yeah, he's gone deep.

Cans? Anyone for cans?
Would you like some cans?

Some cans? Cans?
Fucking ignore me.

I already have cans on.

- You have cans?
- I have cans.

[Nandor] Sorry. Hi.

This one can for you.

- Sure I can't tempt you with some?
- Do you see 'em?

- Anyone ask for cans?
- No.

Son of a

What the fuck are you doing?

Uh, we are not allowed to say
what we're filming, sir.

Also, we're trying
to clear the frame.

Would you mind following me over
by the snack table?

- Rolling! We are rolling!
- What?

All right. Shut up.

Out the way, fuckos. Fuck.

[Colin laughs]

- Do you guys wanna play Pictionary?
- [Nadja] Oh.

Joel, they don't wanna
play Pictionary. It's okay.

Well, I mean if it's anything like reading
a dictionary, then yeah.

Yeah, I do.

[sniffs] Shit. Wait, what is [sniffs] shit.
No, no, no. Fuck.

- Oh.
- How many times have I told you to replace

the fucking smoke detector?

It's my fault, of course.

Come on, girlie. Smoked salmon.

More excuse for cream cheese,
am I right?

[Becky] My salmon is fucked.

[Nadja] I love the smell
of burnt salmon.

[Becky] Goddamn it, Joel.
You're a fucking failure.

Colin, can I ask you a favor?

Sure, Joel. Anything.

It's a little unconventional,

and so if it
makes you uncomfortable,

then you just tell me,
and I'll shut the hell up.

Stop. We go too far back.

I mean,
we're like Stephanie Cmar

and Kristen Kish

in the Seattle season
of Top Chef.

You know,
they used to be roommates.

Would you ever wanna...

- Do you think that...
- Just a town house.

Just go into this...
Just come with me.

- Just can
- The hallway.

Yeah, this is nice.

I need you to fuck my wife.

[mumbles] What?

[Joel] I told you
it was a little unusual.

Is that something she would be

- Ravenous for? Yes.
- Right.

It's something
that keeps our marriage alive.

Strange request.

Yeah, okay.

Well, if it's any consolation,
I'll be there the whole time.

- I'll have eyes on you...
- It's no consolation.

- I have to go to the bathroom.
- Okay.

But just think about it, buddy.

Girlfriend, come here.

[Nadja chuckles]

I think he might.

Sabotage.

Do you know what the French
translation of "sabotage" is?

It's "fuck things up."

I'm gonna fuck things up
for these people.

Chap in the white hat.
Now, he's the director.

He doesn't know his arse
from a hole in the ground.

The loudest man in the room
with fuck all to say.

Surrounds himself
with sycophants,

but nothing more
than a tin-pot dictator.

And he's nothing
without the scribe.

Now, that's the writer there.

The brains behind
the whole thing,

yet hugely underappreciated.

Socially not the best,

but she's the beating heart
behind the production.

She is the passionate soul
of the televisual medium.

- Sir, we are still rolling.
- What do you want?

- What are you doing here?
- I don't care what you... Whoa.

Where the fuck
did you get that sweated shirt?

This is for crew only.

Season 3 crew only,
to be precise.

[Laszlo] Yeah, I can see that.

I want one of those
sweated shirts.

Well, you can't have one.
That's a cut! That's a cut!

I love that sweated shirt.
It is a remarkable garment.

As you can see, there's some
kind of flap at the back

which is attached to the neck,
which must be some kind of hood

to protect him from the weather.

On the front
looks like some kind of pouch,

which I'm guessing
is inspired by the kangaroo.

It's probably 50% polyester.
Maybe 40% cotton.

And the rest must be rayon.

But the biggest question I have

is why the fuck has he got
one of those and I haven't?

[director] You're in the shot!

[Laszlo] He's in the shot.

[director] Dude,
you're in the shot!

He's fucked up.

- [director] You're still in!
- [Laszlo laughs]

[director] You're still
in the fucking shot!

[crew member]
Go behind the bush.

[director] All right. Fuck it.
We'll fix it in post. Back to one.

You were right.
I-I don't know what to do.

I've wanted Joel's friendship
for so long, but at what cost?

Colin, just stick your beak
in his wife and be friends.

I just wanted a normal
relationship with him, you know?

And this is not normal.

I think it's probably time
to get you out of here, mister.

[chuckles] Come on.

Well, we better be off.

There's a Pilates class
I've been promising myself

I'll make in the morning.

No. Why don't you come
join us first?

There's plenty of room. Come on.

No, our dance card is filled up
for the evening.

What upset you? Did my fucking idiot
of a husband say something?

Uh-oh. Was I bad?

Hey, Joel, maybe next week
we could go bowling?

- Yeah.
- That would be so fun.

That'd be great. Just boys time,

and then you come back
and fuck my wife.

Thanks for the grub.
That was swirl.

- [Joel and Colin chuckle]
- Hmm. [chuckles]

Okay, come here.

I say, Detective Mancuso
has soiled his trousers.

- His show pants?
- What? Yeah. It's ghastly.

Okay. We have doubles
on Cal's pants, right?

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

I'm sorry that Joel turned out
to be such a depressing pervert.

I mean, I quite liked it,

but I know that you were looking
for a more normal,

less sexual friend.

Yeah.

Maybe humans
are such depressing,

weird freaks because, you know,

they try so hard to be normal

that they repress
all their most horny desires.

And then they just end up
squirting themselves to death.

Well, wise words.
Maybe you're a Carrie after all.

Lock it up. Hold there, please.

I'm so sorry, but no.

[scoffs]

The hat? Oh, yeah,
that's from season 6.

We shot them back-to-back.

- What the fuck are you doing in...
- [Laszlo] Oh.

That gear is for crew only.

Hmm.
Someone's jealous of my swag.

Perhaps.

But there is one garment

that I know you will
never get your hands on.

Nandor, give me
that sweated shirt!

You shall never have it!

[both grunting, groaning]

- Laszlo, get a grip.
- Good idea.

[Nandor] No!

- [Nandor] You're stretching it!
- Wouldn't be the first time.

Time-out, time-out.

[sighs]
What are we doing?

Chewed up and spat out
in true Hollywood style.

We need to rain hellfire
on these Hollywood pricks.

Drink the blood of the director.

Crush the balls of the best boy.

And whack all of the actors.

Yeah, let's do it.

Hey, you guys are still here?

We wrapped, like,
half an hour ago.

Happy trails, guys.

- We did it. We fucking did it.
- [chuckles]

Well done, Nandor.

You know, sometimes
the best tactic in war

is to not fight at all.

You sound just like a writer.

- [Laszlo] Onward!
- [Nandor] Yeah.

Meanwhile,
while Laszlo and Nandor

called wrap on their beef,

I couldn't help but wonder,
if we stopped saying cut

The Cal mobile.

[Colin] would we all get
a little more action?

Hi, Mr. Bodian.
I'm just a huge fan.

I wanted to know if I can
take a picture with you quickly?

Now is not a great time.
It's not a good time.

It's just for my zine, actually.

- Have you read this?
- [Laszlo] Hey!

[Colin] Maybe if we
could ask our friends

for just
a little more quiet on set

Sign his program, you fucklord.

[Colin] we'd end up
with a lot less drama.

You know who the fuck I am?

You think it's not gonna be
a problem for you?

Here we go!

[Colin] Because even for
the biggest stars,

it's important to stay grounded.

[Bodian grunts]

[Colin] And that's
when I realized

it wasn't PIUNY
or show business,

or even Staten Island
that kept us all together...

[Monster] Colin Robinson.

Shut fuck up.

Oh, file saved.

There he is.
That's the street right here.

That's where they shoot
[chuckles]

[detective]
Took your time, Mancuso.

[Mancuso] This looks bad.

Bad? We just found
six more inside.

- [Guillermo giggles]
- Son of a bitch. The Mob.

[Guillermo] What the hell?

[Mancuso] I guess I know
where I'm going next.

- [detective] Where's that?
- Was that...

- [Mancuso] Undercover.
- Never mind.