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Oh, make a list of women

that you think are lesbians

or that you know are lesbians

through history or present time.

Eve.

Eve who?

Sappho.

Hannah Hoch.

Who's Hannah Hoch?

Lily Tomlin.

Lily Tomlin.

Okay. Who else?

Dennis the Menace's next-door neighbor Margaret.

Whitney Houston.

Kristy McNichol?

Morgan Fairchild.

Angela Davis.

Mary Lou Retton.

Mary Lou Retton?

Virginia Woolf.

Marilyn Quayle.

Olivia Newton-John.

Chelsea Clinton.

She is!

What about Peppermint Patty?

Endora from Bewitched?

Agnes Moorehead. Agnes Moorehead?

The entire cast of Roseanne.

Ha ha ha!

Except for Dan, right?

Excuse me. I have a question.

Why are we even making this list?

It's completely speculation.

That's a really good question.

Throughout lesbian history,

there has been a serious lack of evidence

that will tell us

what these women's lives were truly about.

Lesbian lives and lesbian relationships

barely exist on paper.

It's with that in mind

and understanding the meaning and power of history...

That we begin to want to change history.

I fear that the moment we were supposed to meet

will be thwarted.

Maybe it already has been.

I think I saw her on the subway yesterday.

I thought, "we we're supposed to meet on the bus."

She was supposed to sit next to me,

spill her soda on me.

We'd make a game of cleaning up,

touch each other more than necessary,

get off at the same stop, talk.

She says, "well?" Like she feels dumb

because we don't know each other

and we've been talking like old friends.

I realize how excellent she is in every way.

We kiss in the street.

We talk about it for years later...

how we never believed in love at first sight

until we met.

Instead, some fat man got in the way.

She was rushing for the bus. He waddled ahead,

spilling the drink she was supposed to spill in my lap

on his indifferent shoulder.

She missed the bus with me on it,

an empty seat next to me, oblivious,

thinking about the texture of raisins

and scraping at gum stuck to the seat in front.

I'm sure this is what happened.

The whole fiasco probably threw us both out of whack.

Our paths won't cross until years later

when she's forgotten she's a dyke.

She'll move in next door.

I'll have a painful crush on her.

She'll be sitting with her boyfriend,

and she'll wave to me.

I'll get a lilt in my stomach when she waves,

and I'll trip over my cat

and stumble in a 3 stooges way.

She'll look away like she's embarrassed for me.

I'll feel really dumb.

Then her boyfriend will think

I seem like I would be fun.

One morning, he'll invite me to a shindig they're having.

Come on.

I'll go and not know anyone,

sit in the corner, play with pistachio shells,

and give each woman a mental makeover.

"What if she wore baggy jeans?"

"She'd be really hot if she cut that perm."

Then dream girl will introduce me to someone.

She'll say, "this is Matt. She's my neighbor."

I'll say, "no. Actually, it's Max.

"It's Max, like, where the wild things are."

I'll walk home saying, "it's Max. My name is Max.

"We were supposed to meet on the bus 2 years ago.

"We're supposed to be sitting on our couch,

"reading and playing footsie absent-mindedly.

"My name is Max

"I want to borrow your t-shirts,

"wake you when I have bad dreams,

"smile when we're fighting because you're too adorable,

"pinch your butt when you're walking in front of me.

"My name is Max. Make up a name for me,

"something you'd be embarrassed to call me

in public.

"Fall in love with me.

"We were supposed to meet so long ago.

"We're way behind.

"It's Max. My name is Max."

Shit.

I was supposed to be in class

10 minutes ago.

We're not that late.

Stop it. This is why we're in trouble anyway.

No more sex after midnight.

I'm not wearing those.

You have any socks?

Yeah. They're in the top drawer.

Have you seen my lesson planner?

No. Why don't you ask Max?

Max, you up?

Yeah.

What's going on?

Have you seen my lesson planner?

I think it's on the fridge.

I'll get it.

Why didn't you wake us up?

I'm not going to barge into the love nest.

Here it is, right here.

Where? Ah, thanks.

So you remember

we're supposed to meet tonight?

What?

You're going to read my paper, remember?

It's getting published.

Hey, Evy.

You found it.

Yeah. Don't forget to call your mom.

I won't.

5:00, fanta cafe, you're reading my paper.

You already said yes.

Okay, okay. 5:00.

Mom, I have to go to work.

1 more shift. I'll be home this evening.

No double shifts tonight.

It's just really busy,

and there's a lot of people quitting, and...

O.k., mom. Si, si.

Como no.

Te veo a la noche.

Bye.

My mom says junior was over again last night.

I don't understand why he's always over there.

Me either.

Baby, we got to go.

Okay. My bag.

Bye, Max.

See you, Evy.

Bye, Max.

Oh, Kia. Kia, Kia.

I'll see you at 5:00.

See you.

This place is a Dyke-O-Rama.

What is it... free refills

if you've ever kissed a woman?

Who had the root beer? Me. Thanks.

Coffee?

Yes, thank you, just a little.

She's really cute.

Since they opened, it's been like this.

It's kind of cool,

but it's the same crusty broads.

You know these chicks?

Yeah, most.

You too cool to say hi?

Who would you like, most attractive to least?

We have totally different tastes in women.

Are you saying I don't have

discriminating taste in women?

I was a dyke when you were in diapers, kiddo.

I know what a mature,

attractive woman is.

I'm not sure I'm willing to share that with you.

Hey, don't call me kiddo, grandma.

What does that say about my lover?

You wanted to jump her bones.

What makes you think

we have different tastes in women?

That was a weird coincidence,

even weirder that she came on to you first.

I'm not leaving you alone together.

You haven't dipped into the honey pot lately.

The honey pot? God, you're so '70s sometimes.

Don't cut in on my nun lifestyle.

At least those nuns are getting some.

Don't remind me that I haven't

slept with a woman in 10 months.

I can't believe you are calling me '70s

when you use victorian language for sex.

"Slept with"?

It's sex... sex as in safe sex,

as in fucking, making love.

You can stop now.

I'd be more familiar with the terminology

if I remembered what it was like.

Help me meet some hot babes.

Now, who do you think is the cutest,

and can you introduce us?

Who do you wish to be introduced to?

You tell.

It's your libido.

Tell me.

Well, o.K. Let's see...

I pick contestant number 1...

the woman right over there.

She's adorable.

Yeah?

Your attachment to the '70s

is much deeper than I realized.

Max, she's really nice.

I have one word...

u-g-l-y.

♪ She ain't got no alibi, she's ugly ♪

That is so uncalled-for. Cut it out.

Thanks so much

for looking at my paper.

No problem.

Hey, are you still talking to me?

Eventually.

I can never stay mad at you long.

Ely, hi. How are you?

Good, Kia. How are you?

Are you still teaching?

Yeah. How's Kate?

Fine. She's staying in Seattle right now,

keeps threatening to come visit.

I know she'd like to see you

when she comes in.

How have you been doing?

I have a job at a vet full-time.

It's keeping me busy.

Hi. I'm Max, Kia's roommate.

Nice to meet you. I'm Ely.

Hi.

Nice to see you guys.

Give me a call. We can get together.

I will.

Okay. Bye.

I didn't know you knew her.

She used to go out with a friend.

She's never going out with this friend.

Max, get over yourself.

Kia, who's this chick

we're going out with again?

Kia?

Oh...

Hi, Max.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Is Kia parking the car?

No. She had to do study plans

at the last minute.

Do you still want to go?

Maybe we should wait for Kia.

She really wanted to see it.

It was her idea.

I have stuff to do anyway.

I'll see you later.

Hey, you guys.

Hey. Hey, girl.

It's Max, right?

Looking cute as usual. How are you?

Good. Thanks.

This is Mimi.

You know Ely, right?

We've met.

You standing on the doorstep all night?

I was just leaving.

We were seeing a movie, but...

We're going to the burrito palace.

I'd invite you,

but I can see you have plans.

See you later.

Bye, you guys.

Sorry. I didn't mean to make you stand out here.

Want to come in and have a drink?

No, I'm fine. Thanks, though.

Okay. Well, bye.

Bye. Sorry about this.

It's not your fault. It's no big deal.

Some other time.

Bye.

You want to just go see it?

I think Kia's getting rid of me

so she can have sex with Evy

on the kitchen table.

That sounds like Kia.

You have some dirt.

That movie sucked.

Why do queers always have to be so pathetic?

I mean, I'm queer.

I'm finding it relatively easy not to hate myself.

The man is a gay filmmaker.

He has a responsibility to represent us

in a positive way.

I liked the film.

There were many beautiful things about it.

We expect queer filmmakers

to take the responsibility

to represent the entire community.

That's a lot to ask anyone.

I don't feel like we can withstand

such negative representation

from within our own ranks.

He hates himself for being gay.

A lot of people do.

We want him to represent everyone,

and he's just representing

what he sees in the community.

You want some tea or something?

That would be great.

There's a bunch of different kinds.

Pick out something.

Wow! You have a lot of tea.

You like tea?

I like tea.

Did you pick out what you want?

I'm in the mood for something cold.

Okay. Iced tea?

That would be great.

Can we not say the word "tea" anymore?

All right.

Don't say tea.

You want to go in the living room?

Sure.

So, you're a vet?

I wish. More like a nurse's aide.

You take little bandages

and put them on little kitty paws?

Uh-huh. Wheel around the jell-o cart,

fluff their pillows at night.

You give them bedpans?

My favorite part.

I guess that means you'd hate me

if I said I killed a Guinea pig.

I wouldn't hate you.

Everyone likes telling me grisly animal stories.

But I can tell you? Yes.

My brother had this smelly Guinea pig.

I wanted to clean the cage.

I put the Guinea pig in a box in the sun.

I forgot about it, and it just baked.

Yuck. That's pretty bad.

I once ran over a snake with a lawnmower.

Gross.

It kind of split in 2, but it lived.

The snake lived?

We taped it back together,

and it grew and lived.

♪ The phone will ring, or the phone won't ring ♪

♪ I'm gonna sit here either way ♪

♪ and pretend I don't miss anything about you ♪

Liar.

No, it did live.

What is this?

Oh, that's, um...

That's a good-luck charm.

My ex-girlfriend gave it to me.

It's really cute.

Do you wear it all the time?

Yeah, actually, I do.

It's kind of skanky. Don't look at it.

Um, what's this?

A thing I got at Michigan.

It's like the black triangle thing.

I'm still free Friday night.

Whoever leaves the sexiest message

can win a date with me.

Is that Daria on the machine?

I never leave those messages.

She's so funny.

It's me. Are you there?

Call me when you get in.

I have great news. I'm missing you.

Call me.

Is that your mom?

Um... it's my partner in Seattle.

Oh. Um, is she on vacation?

No. She lives there.

Oh, um...

That's really sad.

How long has she been there?

Um... 2 1/2 years.

Why don't you move out there or something?

Well, it's kind of complicated.

I mean, she left after school

to work out there.

She had a commitment to work.

I needed to stay and finish school,

and I'm still trying to finish school.

She has a really good job.

We just... Kind of parted.

That date was a bad scene.

I don't think Max likes you very much, Daria.

She'll come around.

What are we going to do about Kate?

That relationship has been over

for a while.

Remember, Kate's a friend of mine.

She's my friend, too,

but I know a dead relationship

when I see one.

I guess you're right.

I can't believe they're still going out.

It's a perfect example

of how lesbians never break up.

That old lesbian bed-death.

They're not a couple.

I got a good feeling about Ely and Max.

I think it will work out.

I feel sorry for Ely.

Kate calling... such shitty timing.

I don't think we've met.

This is Melanie.

Hi. Call me Mel.

Okay, Mel.

I don't know how much Max

is Ely's type.

I think Max might be

a little fast for her.

Maybe we should call this

"Daria goes fishing."

Get over it, Daria.

It's called "go fish," not "all you can eat."

True enough.

Besides, Ely wasn't trying

to get out of that kiss.

They're a tough pair.

Is there some natural disaster

that happens during this thing

that could force them together...

like getting stuck on a train

because of an accident?

I don't think so.

Looks like it's going to happen

the long way.

That's cool,

so long as I get some nookie.

Have some respect for Mel.

I wasn't talking about Max. Lighten up.

You're admitting it. You set me up.

No. I had to plan my lectures.

Only after you left

did I decide to show a film.

I knew you'd make up some cheap excuse.

Now you'll pay.

Hey!

I want you to reflect on what you've just done.

Think about your symbolic violence towards me.

None of that women's studies 101 shit.

This is no laughing matter.

It's woman-on-woman violence. It's very sad.

You're steering the conversation

away from what you did to me.

I thought after you got past

your shallow fashion requirements,

you'd find Ely interesting.

Kia, interesting?

Let me go over things about her

that worked for me...

dresses like my mamma in the '70s,

had 100 different kinds of tea... all decaf,

she liked that stupid movie,

she's not interested in her own oppression,

and last and most important,

she's married.

To Kate?

You knew she had a girlfriend?

I thought they broke up. They live apart.

2 years of not living

in the same city.

They've visited 3 times.

Kate was in my class.

When?

A couple years before you.

What's she like... a total hippie?

I'm not starting in on this.

Tell me... regular, crunchy, or extra crunchy?

I won't say if she's a hippie,

but she did move to Seattle.

Extra crunchy.

It doesn't matter anyway.

I remain as I have been

for quite some time...

a carefree, single lesbo.

Lookin' for love.

I think you guys would be good together.

Yeah. That would be

the little relationship that could.

What have you got to lose?

Kia, this is so worthless.

I wish you'd admit that.

Why are they apart if they're so in love?

You know, she never mentioned love.

It was like they were business partners.

Even weirder,

there's no reason they should live apart.

I thought Ely was in school.

She told me she quit.

She's hanging around keeping Daria company?

I guess.

Maybe Ely and Daria...

Ew! I don't think so. Daria's a ho.

You leave Daria alone. What would you rather

our collective lesbian image be...

hot, passionate, say-yes-to-sex dykes

or touchy-feely sisters of the woodlands?

It's important that we acknowledge women

who are comfortable with their sexual selves,

especially lesbians.

Daria's a positive '90s role model,

and Ely's behind the times.

I don't think they're doing it.

Ely seems too honest for that.

Besides, you know, her and Kate are monogamous.

It's probably more out of fear and inertia

than on principle.

Ely's always been timid.

You mean of sex?

It seems less general... a fear of intimacy.

She's in this really comfy position.

She doesn't have to confront it.

I guess that makes sense.

I hate this.

Why is it always like this?

I just want to find a girlfriend

and have there be no catches,

no glitches, no booby traps.

As much as we joke about it,

I really just want to find a girlfriend.

I didn't realize how complicated it would be.

You set me up.

Yeah.

I deserve it.

Ha ha ha!

No, you don't deserve it.

We did get along,

despite her severe case of hippie-itis.

You know the worst thing,

the thing that totally makes it suck?

What?

I kissed her.

She kiss you back?

Yeah.

Tongue?

I'd say my plan's still working.

Ha ha ha ha!

My mother used to express it

as "a bubble left of plumb"...

another expression for a little off-kilter.

Hey, girl.

Hey, Daria.

Did I get any mail?

No, nothing.

Any phone calls?

Um, that woman Tracy called.

Ooh.

Hey, aren't you supposed to be at work?

Yeah, but it was dead.

You said there was something

a woman must tell you up front.

Actually, it's what I'd like to tell them.

You want to tell them?

I'm here to have a good time.

I'll get more.

We may have something

but I'm not looking for a life mate, girlfriend,

or any serious commitment.

I'm just out to go rage.

Ok.

We'll show everybody the 3 women

Lance had to choose from.

First it was Paula.

Things that turn her off are squishy bodies...

I hate this part.

You never see how the date turns out.

What difference does it make?

It always turns out shitty anyway.

Something wrong?

No. It's okay.

Are you going to bed?

Yeah. See you.

Okay. Good night.

This is not looking good.

They're both depressed

and spending all that time alone.

I hope this won't be one of those

"unrequited love" stories.

No. Everything's going to work out fine.

Ely's just this way.

She has to get really down

before she'll do something radical to change her life.

I've seen it before.

We could forget the whole thing

and fix me and Max up.

This is Samantha.

Hi.

Hi. Call me Sam.

Okay. Hi, Sam.

Miss Camille... a.K.A. Max West...

has got this ideal girlfriend in her head.

I think it's something like hip-hop Barbie.

I'm hoping she'll grow up

and start getting into Ely.

Her real name is Camille?

That slays me.

Let's get back on track.

What will make them

speak to each other again?

I have no idea.

Why are lesbians so weird?

Tell me about it.

I think Ely's weird.

She's not weird, just shy.

How long do you suppose it's been

since she had sex?

It's been a long-ass time.

Is Kate cute?

She's not my type,

but I guess she's attractive enough.

Woofer!

Eye of the beholder, darling.

Damn, Daria.

I wonder what you say about me

behind my back.

Only good things.

Let's get on with it.

Get away from her.

Change.

It will be great.

You've got to take the risk.

I know you're ready. Sit down.

I'm not scared. I'm ready.

I'm afraid it will look bad.

It will be great. Change is good.

Don't worry.

She's getting her license in about a month.

She cuts her own hair, even.

She knows what she's doing.

Okay. I'm ready.

I'm so proud of you.

You haven't had short hair

since 6th grade,

when Bobby saleski put gum in it.

Remember how that looked?

A haircut is something you have to be prepared for

for it to turn out good.

Isn't she great?

She even knows the psychology of it.

I am physically and emotionally ready,

so let's go.

Hey.

Hi, Max.

I thought that was you.

I was looking at you for the longest time

without knowing it was you.

Wow.

Bold.

Sorry.

Everybody likes to touch it.

I was thinking about getting it cut.

Daria's dating this hairdresser.

They talked me into it.

I like it. It gives you a different look.

It looks butch, right?

It is a gender-bender.

Your girlfriend's in for a shock.

You ran away a femme and came back a butch.

That was a joke. You're supposed to laugh.

That butch/femme thing is really oppressive.

You weren't trying to look more butch, were you?

No. I just wanted it cut.

Someone said I looked like a hippie.

That pushed it over the edge.

I didn't think you looked like a hippie.

It's embarrassing.

Don't tell anyone that's why I cut it.

I didn't think you looked like a lesbian

when I first saw you.

Did I need a labyrus around your neck

to tip me off?

I want my hair cut

because it's getting long.

What if people think I'm just cutting it

to look more like a real dyke?

If you don't cut it because you want to,

aren't you falling into the same trap?

Totally.

I haven't had a date in 10 months anyway.

There was 1 chick I went to a movie with.

She had a girlfriend.

Maybe I do need a haircut.

I'm sorry about that.

There didn't seem a good time to tell you.

It's no big deal.

Happens to me all the time.

Don't cut your hair. It looks good.

Besides, look at how you dress.

I'm not dressed to look dykey.

I'm fashionable. There is a difference.

Oh, and I'm not?

You're leaning toward the hippie side.

Better hippie than butch wannabe.

I don't think you look hippie.

I think you look good.

You look fine, not like a hippie.

Anyway, it was good to see you.

Okay. See you.

I forgot to pay.

Hey, baby.

Hey.

Set the alarm.

If I'm late once more, I'll be fired.

I think Max has a clock.

Max!

Max!

I think she's asleep already.

No, she's not.

I'll go get her.

That's one serious little roommate you got there.

What's she up to?

She's writing.

She handed me the clock without even looking at me.

I'll bet she's thinking about Ely.

I think she's afraid to admit

that she likes her.

What... that Max likes Ely or that Ely likes Max?

I think that Max likes Ely,

and Ely probably likes Max, also.

She's just cautious by nature.

Maybe not.

Anyway, I hope they get over it soon,

because they're at that agonizing stage

when people meet...

is this going to work,

is this person worth it,

should I take the plunge?

What about you?

What made you take the plunge when you saw me?

I was drunk.

You were not.

I was... 2 glasses of wine.

I was drunk for me.

Blame it on the wine.

You were enticed by my dancing.

You were playing it up

because you knew I was watching.

Was not.

You were very sexy.

Was not.

Ha ha ha!

Mmm...

What do you think you're doing?

Makes me sick.

Does it make you sick or just scare you?

Don't call yourself something you're not.

I call myself a lesbian. That's what I am.

My definition of a lesbian

does not involve men.

How can we establish identity

if lesbians have sex with men?

We need to... get some dick?

We're not talking life commitment here.

We're talking about sex... just sex.

There is no such thing as just sex.

I want to know before I sleep with you.

You don't have sex with women

who have slept with men?

We're not talking about the past.

How much time has to pass

before I regain my lesbian status?

I don't have sex with women

who sleep with men.

Did you have safe sex?

When was the last time you did?

The last time I had sex.

Anyone else?

You can't just do that.

He's a friend.

What's the big fucking deal?

Women are my life. I love women.

But you can't stay away from that dick.

I'd like to hear why.

I forgot for a minute that "big sister" was watching.

I just don't see what's so bad.

Maybe she considers herself bisexual.

Then she should say that.

I'm a lesbian who had sex with a man.

No such thing.

I had sex with 1 man!

If a gay man has sex with a woman,

he was bored, drunk, lonely, whatever.

If a lesbian has sex with a man,

her life choice becomes suspect.

You're giving men too much importance.

You're making up excuses

to hide your desire for men.

Live your life the way you want.

Don't call yourself a lesbian.

No one would care,

as long as you say what you really are.

Why don't you clue me in on what I am?

You have to have sex with a man over time

to have your identity as a lesbian questioned.

It's a question of how you do it.

I don't think she's a dyke.

She's not strong enough.

It's cool, but I wouldn't date her.

I wouldn't date anyone that close-minded.

You tell every woman you sleep with

how many men you've had sex with and how recently?

No, but I've had sex with more women than anyone here.

I'm not saying quantity is quality,

but it's harder to keep your identity as a single lesbian

than as some woman in a homey little relationship.

Women you have sex with

don't know what they're dealing with.

What's the likelihood

of a woman coming home with me

if I say, "I've recently had sex with a man"?

Very slim.

Exactly.

It would be dishonest not to tell her.

Who thinks about all the people

the person you're having sex with

has had sex with?

I don't know.

Some people get off on that.

The point is, she's cute,

but if I thought she would have sex with a man

while I was dating her, I'd say forget it.

If we were in some committed relationship,

I wouldn't have sex with anyone else.

Who's to say this little whim

won't pop up again?

I don't cheat on people.

Why is everyone acting

like it's the end of the world

for her to have sex with guys?

I hate to picture her like that.

If it means so little, why are you acting guilty?

Did you enjoy it?

It wasn't bad.

Did you come?

No.

I bet he did.

I wasn't in it for an orgasm.

What for, then?

Sex!

Hey, Daria, why have you been so quiet today?

Just thinking.

Who was your dream date for the week?

It's been a slow week.

It's been rough on all of us,

but have we got a girl for you!

Oh, you guys...

This is Marianna.

Marianna, meet Daria.

She's so glamorous.

It's love.

I think I've had this girl before.

Okay. Hey, kids,

what about Ely and Max?

They seem to be making a little progress.

Max should not have said

the word "butch" to her.

She's sensitive about that.

I liked Ely's hair better long.

It's awesome in a crew cut.

Max thinks so, too.

Did you see the way she touched it?

Ely needs to relax a little.

Definitely.

Hey, what a fucking dyke!

Hey, fuck you!

What if the feeling

of having a dirty secret overwhelms me?

What if I crack under the strain of never being out enough?

How can I be out to the woman I'm standing next to,

the child who smiles at me,

the man who asks me to spare a quarter?

What if I black out

and I wake up alone in a house

and find I'm married to a man...

an honest man who's devoted to me,

and I'm late to pick up the kids?

What if I sigh because it's not as late as I thought,

and I race to pick up the kids

with umbrellas because it's raining

and I don't want them to catch cold?

I imagine the joy

of kissing my husband in the supermarket

and the wistful smile of the old woman

who sighs quietly, "young love."

Mother insists we come to her house for Thanksgiving

because it feels so good

to have a man around the house at holidays.

I can sink into the comfort

of being mother, wife, sister-in-law, grandmother...

not always uncoupled in a family portrait,

not strapped with the awkward title of "aunt."

I could live a life of gender-specific pronouns

and answer truthfully about boyfriends

and mean only "good friend" when I say it

and leave off that desperate qualifier...

"really" good friend.

Sex would be a friendly ritual,

always finite, never frightening.

I could focus on respect while he fucked me

and how it feels kind of good

if you eradicate that underlying image

of the empty hole longing to be filled

and try not to dwell on the satisfaction he feels.

Double income. I could keep my own name,

maybe hyphenate for a liberated feel.

We could have anniversary dinners in lovely spots.

He'd dash off to the waiter while I'm in the ladies room

so they can bring out an anniversary treat.

The wait staff will feel a warm glow.

What if I find myself with a more weathered face

in a park, laughing, saying, "I was so young,"

holding hands with a parka and old spice

who says, "I feel better, honey,

"knowing you've tried everything and still choose me."

It doesn't seem so far-fetched,

like being caught in crossfire and dying

or slipping on oil

that someone else unwittingly spilled.

I could chase a rabbit through the woods

and fall down a long, dark hole

which ends in a life from which I can't escape.

It's the word "phase."

It's finally coming out

but still being called "gay."

It's being fucked and sucked by a woman

till you could cry,

feeling that no one knows what you really do.

You're not waiting for a man.

I'm not waiting for a man.

I hate this eerie feeling that a man's waiting for me.

Out last night, just doing the town.

Hi, mommy.

What are you doing here?

Don't you have a house?

Do you have a life?

No me beses.

Sientate. Yo quiero hablar contigo.

Eva Elisa, where were you last night?

I... i was... With... with Marta.

Mentirosa.

Junior told me where you was at last night.

He saw you in one of those gay bars.

Is it true? Oh, my god.

Is that how I brought you up?

Is that what I taught you...

to become a bata?

Ay, no me digas.

No wonder junior left you!

Is that what he told you?

Is that what you said, you liar?

I can't believe this.

What do you want?

You sleep with women? You kiss women?

What do you think you are... a man?

Mom, you don't understand.

As long as you live in this house,

you'll go by my rules.

Sueltame!

Dejala!

Sueltame, chico.

Where are you going?

I'm getting out of here.

Si tu te vas ahora,

no te vuelvas nunca jamas!

You're a fucking asshole.

Eva Elisa, it doesn't matter what I see, anyway.

It's what god sees. He's watching you.

You're going to have to answer to him!

If you leave now...

ay, dios mio.

Just let her go.

Shit.

Shit!

Evy, man, why don't you use the doorbell?

Max, let me in, please.

Yeah. Just a sec.

Hi.

Hi.

Kia's not home.

She should be back around 7:00.

Oh, shit.

Evy, is something wrong?

It's fucked up, Max.

Junior told my mom everything.

She kicked me out of the house.

He fucking set me up.

He's sitting, waiting for shit to come down.

He knows my mom wasn't going to understand.

She never wants to see my face again.

I can't believe this.

Holy shit.

Where the fuck is Kia?

I'd like to get that guy

and get a pack of dykes

and corner him in an alley

and make him beg us not to kill him

and then kill him anyway.

We should squash him.

We should get revenge.

The nerve... getting you

kicked out of your own house!

Max, please, be quiet.

You never know when to be quiet.

I'm sorry.

What do you want me to do?

I don't know.

That guy must just have no fucking life.

Max. Shut up, Max.

I can't get over what a dick he is.

Max, listen

I've just gotten kicked out.

My mom thinks I'm going to hell.

I don't have a place to live.

I don't give a fuck about junior.

You can live with us.

We can be your new family.

Fine.

Man, Ely, you really got to loosen up, girl...

chill out, maybe get laid.

Ooh, is that a proposition?

Yeah. No, really, babe,

when you going to get back into the fray?

Start mating again.

Daria, I have a partner.

You do not.

You've got a good excuse, and it's getting weak.

Let's not talk about it.

I can't do this non-monogamous, hip thing.

In order to be non-monogamous,

you have to be having sex

with even 1 person, right?

As for your hipness,

I guess the new haircut helps.

Oh, who needs hipness?

Do you know Max?

Yeah. She's a total babe.

What did you guys do that night?

We went to a movie. We talked.

It was nice.

So what happened? Did you go for it?

I think she's totally hot.

I'm sure you think she's hot, Daria.

I didn't go for it.

Having a ball and chain in a faraway place,

being generally petrified of any interaction

except for dogs, cats, and an occasional ferret

doesn't make me the hottest commodity around.

You're digging your own grave, girl.

You didn't answer me. Do you like her?

She seems kind of young.

She probably only tried to kiss me out of boredom.

She tried to kiss you?

Did she fail? Did you guys smooch?

Did she hump your leg? What happened?

1 lame kiss, and then Kate called.

Let's just drop it. I mean, I don't even...

Want to deal with it?

I think I'll have a dinner party.

But wait. Have you guys talked,

or is it kind of weird?

We ran into each other at the bookstore.

We had a conversation,

but we didn't talk about the date.

Well, we talked about the date,

but not about kissing.

It's kind of weird.

I'll throw a dinner party.

You're invited.

I'll invite lots of other hot babes.

It'll turn into a massive orgy.

It'll be fabulous.

Whatever.

Will you come?

Sure.

Will you cook?

Fine.

Do you still love me?

Of course I still love you.

You know, you haven't... Done Max, have you?

Ooh, I think Ely has a crush.

I'm going to the store to get wine.

Would you like anything?

No, thanks.

Ely, thanks for cooking.

No problem.

Hey, girl, how's it going?

It's going okay.

Do you need any help?

Hi. It's Daria.

Listen, I wanted to double-check,

see if you're still coming.

Yeah. Your answering machine cut me off.

Uh, around 8:00.

Yeah. We're fixing a fabulous dinner right now.

Okay. See you then.

I'll get it.

Hey.

Hey!

How you doing?

Good.

How's it going?

Hey, girl.

Come on in.

Look who's here.

Hey, you guys.

Oh, my god!

Hi, Alice. Hey, Andy.

New 'do. Wow.

Check it out.

Can I touch it? Do you like it?

Hi, gorgeous.

Hi, Daria.

Welcome.

Thank you.

Um... this is Alice and Andy.

Hi.

Have you met Ely?

No. Hi. I'm Evy.

It's good to finally meet you.

Likewise. I've heard a lot about you.

Kia's told me about you, too.

Hello. I'm Bella. I live here.

Hi. I'm Evy. Nice place.

Thanks. I'll put this wine in the kitchen.

Where's Kia?

She's parking the car.

Is she alone?

Is Max with her?

Max left a little before we did.

I'm surprised she's not here.

I need to know how much pasta to cook.

Ely's a little stressed.

She's been cooking all day.

Seems like it.

Hi, Ely.

Kia, hi.

How you doing?

Nice to see you.

I didn't mean to startle you.

I brought this for the party.

Oh, thanks.

I like the hair.

You hadn't seen it yet?

No. I like it.

So, how are you?

I'm good.

I'm glad you came.

Don't flirt with me.

What? I still care.

I don't want to relive my past mistakes.

You had fun, you have to admit.

I can't remember.

Hey, girl. I see your moves.

I was just about to make introductions.

Shameless. Absolutely shameless.

Hey.

Max is here.

Great.

Hey, Max.

It's about time.

Shut up.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. I brought these.

Tall boys for me?

Iced tea.

Who knew you were so healthy?

It's for Ely.

She brought you a present.

Hi, Max. How are you?

Sorry I'm late.

That's all right.

Max is here.

We were waiting on her,

so we can eat now.

All right.

I heard you were a really good cook, too.

Max, another tall boy?

Uh, no, thanks. I'm fine.

Okay. All right, girls.

We'll start off easy. I have never

had sex with anyone in this room.

Well...

I can drink? O.K.

Okay. Um...

I've never...

Had sex on a train that stopped

because it was in an accident

and rain was beating against the windows.

If not for the rain part,

I be drinking along with you.

A couple of studs. Oh, my gosh.

Okay, Evy.

All right. All right.

Um... I've never...

Fallen in love at first sight.

Aw...

Live with it. Hate it.

Someone say something I've done before.

I need a drink.

Go, Max. The pressure's on.

Okay. Does it have to be about sex?

I don't think it has to.

It doesn't have to.

Are you 2 a couple?

Couple of geeks.

No, we're not a couple.

I have one.

Um... I've never turned in a paper late.

Wah.

Hey, if Kia can brag, I can brag.

I got to drink, anyway.

There you go.

Your turn.

I've never been having sex with someone

and really wanted to change the music.

It's got to happen once.

O.k.

I've never called out

the wrong name during sex.

Ooh, Evy!

Ooh...

Evy!

Is that your girlfriend?

I've never had sex with Daria.

Hey.

Max...

How could I have forgotten about that beautiful night?

Someone tell me the rules.

You just drank.

I hope you were just thirsty.

Max... if you have done it.

I keep thinking you drink if you never.

Maybe I should just ask the question over again.

We could move right into "spin the bottle."

Wait a minute. I never did it with Daria.

Okay. I admit it. It was a mistake.

It's always a mistake.

Wait a minute.

So you've slept with me,

you've slept with her,

you slept with her,

and her?

No. Not me.

Hey, I don't deserve this abuse.

Girls, I am a woman who loves women.

Who wants to dance?

Bye, guys. We'll see you later.

Thanks a lot. Dinner was great.

They're in their own world.

What do you think?

Did you have a good time?

It was fun. Daria seems a little drunk.

Daria's a little crazy.

Do you want to hang out sometime?

Go to a movie or do something again?

That would be fun.

I should give you my number.

I have your number.

You have my number?

Uh, it's Kia's number?

Oh, yeah.

Daria... look.

It's West. Max West.

Don't you think that's cool?

Can't you picture me

busting through the doors of a saloon

in the old West?

You're digging it, right? I could tell.

Because that's my name, as in, "to the Max."

No. I mean,

that's not what your parents named you, right?

No. They named me Camille.

Oh. Torgeson?

No. No, they got divorced

when I was, like... 12,

and now my mom's, like,

the styling single babe.

Um... he's cool.

I don't see him that much.

I'm the baby, the special one.

The rest of them don't really matter.

That's what I tell my mom, anyway.

Only child.

Yeah, I don't know what that means.

There's some psychology about that.

What would that smell like?

You had a girlfriend in high school?

That is so cool.

Yeah. Well, it really wasn't that great,

because we weren't out to anyone

except ourselves, sort of, and not even.

We used to fight in the halls,

but we never kissed in the halls,

but people still called us lezzies.

Boys? Well, no, I was kind of...

There was 1 boy I dated,

like, 3 months. We didn't really date.

We held hands and talked about my three sons.

That was our favorite show.

Just dancing a lot

and writing stuff for the newspaper.

I was kind of a geek.

I still am, I guess.

Well, I did it

when I brought Kate home once.

Otherwise I didn't think my mom would believe it.

She would gloss it over like so many other things.

She did, anyway.

She hardly ever brings it up.

I bring it up, and she won't talk about it,

but at least I know that she knows.

Tell me if this is totally rude,

but I'm kind of curious.

Are you and Kate broken up now,

or what's the story?

Well, we're sort of broken up.

I mean, I left a message on her machine.

You left a message on her machine?

Do you consider that broken up?

Yeah, but she hasn't called me back yet.

Yeah, so...

well, it's half.

I mean, we're breaking up anyway,

but, um... We just need to talk about it.

So, like, that's 50-50,

like, you're broken up, she's not,

but it counts for you,

so I guess it counts for me, then.

I guess so. Ha ha!

Sorry I'm late. What are you guys playing?

Go fish.

Figures.

Hi. And you are?

Della.

Can I call you del?

No. Della.

Okay. Della.

How long before they consummate?

Is that the most important topic at hand?

I'm just glad our work is over.

Knowing Ely, it's going to be

2 or 3 more dates.

What is this, the lesbian Gandhi?

I don't have that kind of time.

Not everyone jumps right in.

To go from

"I sort of broke up with my girlfriend"

to "let's fuck"?

Not these babes.

Never underestimate the power of a woman

that's been deprived of the honey pot.

Honey pot?

That "honey pot" thing's got to go.

What do you call it?

Find a more endearing term,

and I'll put "honey pot" on the shelf.

So if you want endearing,

then "vagina" is out.

Yes, nurse. Daria?

"Love mound" is my fave.

Uh-uh. Too victorian.

No, it's not. Picture this.

"You're so hot,

"I can't wait to get you home

"and pump your love mound."

Works for me.

Worked for you.

It's too euphemistic.

"Girl patch."

Yeah!

Cute, but is it sexy?

It can be.

Let's see... "She moaned,

"grabbing her girl patch in ecstasy."

It works. I like it.

"Girl patch" sounds like a bad haircut.

Well, how about "cunt"?

Too harsh. No, no, no.

Losers.

How about...

Hmm. Let's see...

"Bearded clam." How about that?

Oh, boy.

No, that's too high-school locker room.

Besides, there are people

that get offended

by that whole bearded-clam/fish thing.

I love "fish." "Fish" is cute.

I don't understand it.

It doesn't taste like fish to me.

It's something more on the line

of the French fry family.

It depends on who you are with.

Now, you taste like...

oh, cut it out! Stop.

Isn't "honey pot"

sounding better and better?

It's sexy without being vulgar

and appealing without being cutesy.

How about plain old "beave"?

It's familiar, friendly,

something you could almost say to mom.

I don't like the teeth.

I'm sticking with "honey pot."

So, um... Isn't this the part

where you ask me out?

Would you like to go on a date?

I would love to.

What do you want to do?

I don't know. I hadn't gotten that far.

What do you want to do?

Well, we already saw a movie.

Why don't you just come over,

and we'll figure it out?

Okay. Would you reach a little higher?

Only if you go lower.

Ha ha!

Would you do my back?

Ha ha!

Pass me the soap.

Okay, stop!

Sorry, Max. Have we been in there too long?

We probably saved you a lot of time

by showering together.

It's her big date.

You've turned the place into a den of love.

What are you doing tonight?

I don't know. She'll be here in 10 minutes.

I'm not even dressed.

Don't have sex in our bed.

We're not going to do it.

♪ Show me a window I can see sky from ♪

♪ show me a door I haven't closed before ♪

♪ show me a stairwell

♪ I haven't run from

♪ show me someone

♪ I can hold on to

♪ eee ohh

♪ Mmm mmm mmm

♪ mmm mmm

♪ show me a window

♪ I can see sky from

♪ show me a door

♪ I haven't closed before

♪ show me a stairwell

♪ I haven't run from

♪ show me someone

♪ Show me a window I can see sky from ♪

♪ show me a door I haven't closed before ♪

♪ show me a stairwell

♪ I haven't run from

♪ show me someone

♪ I can hold on to

Go away, please.

It's Ely. I wanted to tell you I'm here.

Hi, Ely. You're early.

Yeah.

Or no, I'm late. What time is it?

Don't worry.

I'll be out in a second.

Hey, don't look at that.

Your parents?

Yeah. Kind of geeking.

Funny picture.

How did you get in here?

Kia and Evy were on their way down.

Kia is always doing that shit to me.

She wanted me to walk out in my skivvies.

Oh, you can just sit right there.

I'm going to get dressed.

You look nice.

Thanks.

I want to put on some music.

♪ Mmm

♪ show me a window

♪ I can see sky from

♪ show me a door I haven't closed before ♪

Sorry I'm not ready.

I'm having a fashion crisis.

I know what you mean.

Which should I wear?

This one with the "3" is cool.

This one's crazy.

This fabric's nice. You should wear this.

God, look at your nails.

They're split.

Sorry. That's really rude.

Okay, this one?

Yeah.

Okay. I'll wear it.

If you have some clippers, I'll cut them now.

Are you really going to cut them?

Yeah.

In the bathroom, there's a ceramic thing,

and, um...

A ceramic thing.

Yeah. I'll get them. Sit down.

Thanks.

Hey, is there something wrong with these?

They make my nails all sharp and everything.

Here. Move over.

They're toenail clippers,

so there's an art to making them work.

I see you tried on that one.

Ooh! That didn't get it.

It works.

They're not that long,

except they have these sharp edges.

From the clippers.

Okay, I'm almost done.

I don't know why I made a big deal out of it.

They're not that long.

That's all right.

Bold.

Whoa!

Hey, Ely. Congratulations.

Good morning, sunshine.

Hi, dar. How come you're still up?

I was worried sick about you.

Sorry. I should have called.

I was wondering, what could she be doing?

Maybe locked out? But no, I was here.

Working a double shift at the vet's office?

Hanging out all night at the s & m dungeon?

Or could she have been with one Max West?

Yes, I was with Ms. West.

God, it's true? Really?

I made something for you.

Hang on.

That's really cute, Daria.

Made it with my own 2 hands.

You like?

That's really nice. Thanks.

So this is where it all happened?

Good thing we came home so late.

How was it, Max?

Was it like losing your virginity all over again?

So?

So, what?

Come on. Give us the dirt.

It was great.

More dirt than that!

So tell... and don't skip any adverbs.

Dar, what do you want to know?

How it started.

Did you pin her down?

Did you slip her some Spanish fly?

We never even went out.

Smooth. How'd you swing that?

I never even got dressed.

Ooh, girl!

You owe me for letting her in.

So, you come out of the bathroom naked,

and she's standing there.

No. I was wearing a bathrobe.

You're so uptight.

You're home alone,

and you don't walk around naked?

I knew she was here.

Your plan didn't work. She knocked on the door.

So you open the door,

and she pounces on you!

Wrestles you to the floor!

You say, "Ely, we've just met!"

She says, "I've always wanted you!"

You don't even want to hear my story.

Okay, okay. Tell us.

Are you going to listen?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Um, I was cutting my nails.

She was kind of early, and...

No, I was running late.

We know all that.

How did it start?

She was on the couch, cutting her nails.

You were cutting your nails.

Do you usually tend to personal hygiene

on 1st dates?

That's really hot, Ely.

It was.

She needed help.

I started cutting her nails.

It's been a long time,

but what kind of foreplay is nail-cutting?

I don't know. That sounds sexy to me.

Okay. So I can see that. And?

She was making fun of my nails,

so I started cutting them.

She started cutting them for me,

and, you know...

So she cut your nails.

And then?

Um, and it was nice.

We talked for a while.

We were going to go out,

but she couldn't decide what to wear.

Ely, cut to the chase.

I want details.

And so, I'm cutting her nails,

and then, um...

She kind of kissed my neck, and then...

I was feeling out of practice.

It's like riding a bike.

And we started kissing, and then, um...

Well, we were on the couch,

and we started kissing.

Kind of straddled her like this.

The couch?

That takes some maneuvering.

Then, you know...

Ha ha!

Wow.

Wow. Congratulations.

Thanks.

Cool.

Ha ha ha!

Why didn't you stay?

Playing hard to get.

Ely, you'll never guess who I saw at the bar.

Hello?

Man, you get a girlfriend,

you're never home.

♪ My love is

♪ spinning round your world

♪ my love is

♪ spinning round your world

♪ My love is

♪ spinning round your world

♪ my love is

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ spinning round your world

♪ don't say too much

hey, I'm home.

Hello? Anybody home?

♪ Don't say too much

♪ don't say too much

Evy? Anybody?

♪ Your love is spinning round my world ♪

♪ Your world

♪ your world

♪ this time

♪ Hey

♪ My love is

♪ spinning round your world

Don't fear too many things.

It's dangerous.

Don't say so much. You'll ruin everything.

Don't worry, and don't think about it so much.

The girl you'll meet doesn't look like anyone you know.

When you meet her, your toes might tingle, or you might yawn.

It's hard to say. Don't box yourself in.

Don't leave yourself wide-open.

Don't think about it every second but don't forget...

the girl is out there.

♪ Show me a window

♪ I can see sky from

♪ show me a door

♪ I haven't closed before

♪ show me a stairwell

♪ I haven't run from

♪ show me someone

♪ I can hold on to

♪ eee ohh

♪ Mmm

♪ mmm mmm

♪ Show me a window

♪ I can see sky from

♪ show me a door

♪ I haven't closed before

♪ show me a stairwell

♪ I haven't run from

♪ show me someone

♪ Show me a window

♪ I can see sky from

♪ show me a door

♪ I haven't closed before

♪ show me a stairwell

♪ I haven't run from

♪ show me someone

♪ I can hold on to

♪ Well, it's not solid ground ♪

♪ but I put my feet down again ♪

♪ walk around the block where the wind won't stop ♪

♪ and I call this home

♪ and I settle in some way, seeking ♪

♪ pass away time in the line that I've fallen into ♪

♪ it's nothing new to me ♪

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