Original subtitles

We all set for 11am, mate?

Mud cake's in the fridge, ready to go.

I think you should hide in the cupboard.

Make sure she doesn't see you.

That's a great idea. Maybe 10 minutes before?

Why don't I be really safe and get in there now?

It's too early. It's 9:30. Right.

Too early for Sip&Crunch? I need to focus.

It's too early.

I'm gonna have a sausage roll, just to settle my tum.

10am, you got the Copeland Menace.

What'd you take that appointment for? I'm scared of her.

Just back-to-back clients all morning.

But I've left a bit of a gap at around 11.

Oh, good. I'll have second breakfast. Or maybe first lunch.

Don't fill it. It's a gap. If you fill it, it's not a gap anymore.

OK. Morning, Roz!

Oh! Got yourself a little breakfast Coke there.

That's a healthy start to the day.

Uh, no, no, no. It's not a Coke.

It is a delicious cola beverage.

Energy in a can!

Would you like a sip?

Uh, no. Bit early for me.

OK. Georgie.

Would you like one for your little Sip&Crunch?

Oh, my God.

She's got handbag Coke as well.

No, thank you.

May I have my diary, please and thank you?

Roz?

Mm-hm? Is your dress on inside out?

What? No. Is it?

Oh!

Who cares?

Is she drunk? I don't know.

I might get Ray to keep an eye on her.

Leave Ray out of this. I don't want him distracted today.

Alright.

You're touchy today.

$9,000! How is that possible?

The estate was worth 200,000.

I'm sorry for your loss, but I did advise you not to go to court,

and I know Roz told you exactly the same thing

way back when she was handling the matter.

But I won. Yes.

So you get what's left of the estate after expenses.

This is unbelievable! It's all accounted for in there.

Everything from barrister's fees right down to the last paperclip.

After two years?

This is all I get? No. You also got your day in court.

So I hope it was worth it.

This is bullshit. I'm gonna sue YOU. Oh, that's a great idea.

'Cause going to court seems to work out so well for you.

Whatever. You're bullshit. OK.

Bullshit. Yep.

It's all bullshit. Alright.

Do you want to take your folder of bullshit?

No? I'll keep that, will I?

Thank you for coming.

Fisk. Yes?

Big announcement. Meeting room 11am. Ray, I'm really busy.

Can you just tell me now?

On the other hand, I'm a big fan of close-up magic, so...

..I'll be there.

Oh, there's gonna be magic alright, mate.

Is there?

There's gonna be something.

So, Anne, this is your grandmother's will?

Yeah. Loved her so much. Yeah.

And what's your question? Yeah. My brother's the executor.

His solicitor is saying that this bit at the bottom here isn't valid.

Right? And I want a second opinion on that.

OK.

Are we talking about this bit here written in biro, that says

"PS - I also want to leave my darling granddaughter Anne $50,000

"because she was my favourite"?

We used to hold hands and sing to each other.

Did you? She loved it.

# Oh, Danny boy

# The pipes, the pipes are calling. #

Very nice. What do we...

# From glen to glen

# And round and round the bend... #

Mmm. Did your own version. That's good.

So, what do we actually think happened here?

I guess she remembered and then quickly got a biro

and wrote that in there on the will or something.

Yeah, or something.

Yeah.

Yes, Roz?

Helen, do you have a minute?

Uh, no - I'm a bit busy trying to work out what to do

when someone writes on a will in biro.

'Someone'?! Obviously Grandma.

Yeah, I might have a hard time proving that.

It's quite urgent, Helen. Sorry. Do you mind?

This better not be on the clock.

I'll stop the clock. There we go.

Can I grab a cup of tea or something?

Yes.

Four shugs.

What?! Fine. Whatever.

Roz. Mmm.

You haven't turned your dress right-side out.

Oh, I can't be bothered. What's up?

Well... ..I've been thinking about my life.

I thought you said this was urgent. What am I doing with my life?

Roz, I've got a client in there who shouldn't be left alone with a will

when there's a biro in reach.

Am I working to live? Am I living to work?

I don't know.

# Am I working to live? Am I living to... #

That's a great lyric, actually.

I'm just going to get that before it leaves me.

OK. Are we done?

'Cause I'm gonna get back in there

and tell old Catch Me If We Can Anne that she's committed forgery.

Oh, no. You go. Yes. Look, it's not urgent.

It's not urgent? No.

Or it IS urgent?

I'm getting whiplash, Roz.

Are you alright? Put a pin in it.

And we'll talk about it over lunch.

Lunch? What? No, thank...

Where are your shoes?

Where's me cup of tea?

I forgot your tea. Thank you.

Four shugs. Yes!

I'm sorry.

That's bullshit. Can't help you.

Let's... Oh!

Grab your shopper.

No-one's ever gonna believe that your grandma wrote that.

But if you're my lawyer, you're supposed to be on MY side.

I'm not gonna BE your lawyer, 'cause I can't help you.

Unbelievable!

I'm not paying for this visit.

You ARE paying for this visit. It wasn't a freebie.

This is bullshit!

Make sure you send her an invoice.

And don't let her back in the building.

Oh, by the way, definitely something wrong with Roz.

I don't have time for Roz's shenanigans. It's nearly 11.

Get in the meeting room.

Jeez. Bossy. Now!

OK!

It's 11 o'clock. I'm on time.

Oh, look out. Here comes Malfunctioning Cyborg Roz.

Oh, Roz. You've turned your dress right-side out. Well done.

Well, apparently, it's a big announcement. Where is Ray?

Last I saw, he was in the photocopy cupboard.

Shh! Helen. No spoilers.

What am I spoiling?

I need a cup of tea.

Why is Meli here?

Ca-caw! Hey!

Where's Ray? He said it was urgent.

Alright, lover boy.

You're on.

Can you hear that?

Obviously yes.

- Oh. Hello. - # We've only just begun... #

It's magic time. You bet it is.

# To live... #

Oh, no.

- Is he on two knees? - # White lace and promises... #

Melissa Barbara Jean Marner.

You came into my life not six months ago...

No. And it...

Hang on. I haven't... No, no, no, no, no.

I haven't said what I'm... No. Absolutely not.

- But I... - Not like this. Up.

And...turn that music off!

Sorry. I was just getting tea.

Now, what have I missed?

Oh. Why are you in fancy dress?

Because he was about to propose to me.

In front of all of us?

Exactly! Well, yes.

Because this is my family.

I wanted to share the most important moment of my life

with my beautiful sister.

And with George, who's like a son to me,

and with Fisk, who's like...

..that weird cousin everybody has.

But what about MY family? This is MY moment too, Raymond.

And maybe I don't want your weird cousin

at the most important moment of my life.

No offence, Helen. Yeah. All good.

- But I am gonna go, I think. - No need.

I'm leaving.

Ray, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Should I put the champagne back in the fridge or...?

Throw it in the bin, mate. Along with my heart.

# White lace and promises... #

Mmm.

# A kiss for luck and we're on our way... #

Rozzie.

- Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. - Roz!

Did you see ANY of this?

It's terrible.

Offer him some cake.

Cake?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm looking at here.

I'm a poet, so I wanted to make my will a piece of art.

Oh, it's art. Yeah.

Well, I thought doing it as a poem would help my loved ones, uh,

cope with the tedium of grief.

Mm-hm. Tedium of Grief.

That's a great title. OK.

Let me tell you the problem with art.

You know how some people look at a Picasso and see a masterpiece

and other people, like me,

see a tragically disfigured woman with a nose on her forehead

and a big old bonkle eye?

That is because art means different things to different people.

For example,

this line here that you've got, hm?

"Scatter, gold coins,

"scatter and land in the laps of those I love, so grand."

Yeah. OK. So the gold coins.

Do you have a coin collection or some pirate's treasure? What?

No, that's just one's fortune in general.

Oh. In general. OK.

And "those I love"?

My family. But specifically?

Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews?

Are you including weird cousins? No.

But I did want my will to be a beautiful legacy,

not a page of dry, clinical legalese.

Oh, see, I love dry, clinical legalese.

So I'll tell you what.

How about I do you a dry, clinical version,

and then we'll include your poem as a letter of wishes?

A letter of wishes? Yeah.

I like the sound of that. That's very poetic.

Oh, good. OK. Well.

Let's do it your way. You are the expert.

Oh. Thank you.

What a lovely thing to say.

Didn't think it was bullshit?

No, not at all.

I really enjoyed that.

Got my brain buzzing and the ideas flowing.

Sun's shining. The breeze is blowing.

Now I'm doing it. Yes. Yeah.

It's fun. It's great, see?

I actually quite like this bit.

Ah, yes.

Oh, God.

I'm never gonna love again.

Was it the tuxedo? Was it too much?

Yeah, maybe.

She might have felt underdressed by comparison.

I guess we'll never know.

How come? Because it's all over, mate.

Time to bust out the red wine and Evanescence.

Oh, shit! That's her.

She's calling me.

What should I do?

Answer it. Can't answer it!

I'm still wearing the tuxedo.

She doesn't know that. She'll sense it.

She's a fashion psychic. Please. You take it.

No, I think that would be weird.

Thank God. She's stopped.

Yeah, that was close.

Alright.

You a... ..shiraz man or a...

..or a pinot fan?

Porque no los dos?

Yep.

Yeah.

# Wake me up # Wake me up inside

# Can't wake up

# Wake me up inside

# Call my name and save me from the... #

Fisk. Glass of red?

What is going on? We're processing the grief.

I feel partly responsible for this morning's disaster.

I lost the love of my life, Fisk. It's over.

OK. You need to get back to reception.

I'm helping Ray sit in his feelings.

You're being an enabler.

Oh, God. You're right.

Come on.

Sorry, Helen.

Get it together, Ray.

Grab me some dumplings, buddy. I need to eat the grief away.

Do not get him any dumplings.

Euch!

No-one needs to see that.

Hey, Roz?

I don't suppose YOU know anything about mutual will agreements.

Um...have a look at the Nylander file.

I'm pretty sure they did one. Oh, excellent. Thanks, Roz.

Glad to see YOU'RE back to normal. What's that?

You were a bit out of sorts this morning,

with your inside-out dress, breakfast Coke,

"Energy in a can!"

Running round with no shoes on.

And then you went full Cookie Monster on that mud cake. Rrah!

I didn't know WHO you were.

No, no. It's all fine.

Hang on.

Real Roz would never leave a tea bag in the sink.

You must be Impostor Roz.

Oh, shut up! Oh.

OK. Whiplash.

God.

Oh, well, I like them all, Sterling. I mean, how do people choose?

Oh, good. You've all gone mental here as well.

What is going on here?

Are we...making cheese?

Helen, this is Sterling Knickerbocker.

From the Knickerbocker cheese factory?

From White Feather Funerals. We're planning Tony's last hurrah.

Come, join us,

as we plan your father's journey into the next realm.

Oh. Hang on.

Dad, have you had bad news?

No. We've been watching The Crown. Oh, again?

And I was inspired by Prince Philip planning his own funeral.

Planning ahead is the greatest gift we can give to those left behind.

Uh, these are a few of our prepaid packages.

Really? Burial at sea?

That's our Swim to Jesus.

Or the secular version, Swim with the Fishes.

You're not doing that, Dad. I won't watch you turned into human chum.

Uh, well, we have the traditional Blaze of Glory package

or the eco-friendly Compostable You option.

Oh, great. Let's just put you out in the green bin, hey, Dad?

Oh! For heaven's sake. Of course!

We encourage everyone to tailor-make their own festival of grief.

See, this is why you weren't invited.

Can we please get back to the service?

Of course. Forgive me. Thank you.

We were talking about tone

and whether we go sombre and spiritual...

Mmm. ..or more joyful and fun.

Oh, definitely sombre and spiritual. Definitely joyful and fun.

Something to think about there.

In fact, we had a rather fun one just last week. Allow me.

Funeral?

Are y'all ready for this?

Mmm.

Oh.

Oh.

Is that you? Oh, yes.

Mick Jagger meets...

# Yeah... # ..Billy Graham.

Oh. OK.

Emcee.

# Yeah! # Master of ceremonies.

Whoo! # Yeah! #

Having a lot of fun with it.

Oh. She's giving it a hammering, isn't she?

Going to town.

Sorry, this is a funeral? Mmm.

A celebration of a life.

I quite like that.

Yes, but you won't be there, Tony.

This is about what I need.

And I do not need call-and-response work.

I'll be grieving. Of course you will.

Grief is such a personal thing.

Mmm. It is.

And do we have any cheese, Dad?

I'm still quite hungry every time I look at him.

Oh, Helen.

Morning, webmaster. Hey, Helen.

You need to talk to Roz.

She's really wigging out.

Oh. Still?!

What's she done now? She said she had perfect pitch.

That's normal. She's always banging on about that.

But she tried to prove it by doing an impression of the microwave.

What?

# "Beep, beep, beep That's F sharp, George." #

Oh, come on.

Oh, my God! Did you sleep here?

What do you care?

No-one cares. Oh.

Uh-uh! George. No.

No more enabling.

Think a bit of controlled crying is what's in order here.

Why?

Why is it always locked?!

Why?!

Rozalind!

The key!

Please!

OK, well, I'll just get you to go and see...

Oh, Jesus.

Go and see George and he'll sort out the paperwork.

I didn't get him the dumplings, Helen, I promise.

I Uber-Eatsed them.

They're cold and sad, like the state of my heart.

Get in my office.

Now.

Did you want one? No. Sit down.

Not there.

Oh, Ray. Oh.

God! Yes, I get it.

Your heart hurts. Oh, no, Fisk.

It's my actual heart.

What? Oh, God. Oh, Ray. Oh, God.

I need my meds. Oh, Ray, what do I do?

Should I get Roz? Oh... Don't get Roz! Jeez!

They're in my pocket. They're in my back pocket.

Oh, God. Oh. God, I'm sorry.

Ah! Quickly. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, are you kidding me? Oh!

Heartburn? Oh, yeah.

Ray, I thought you were having an actual heart attack.

Oh, I might as well be.

She dumped me. I lost the love of my life.

I'm gonna take ALL these.

Every one of 'em. Oh, you idiot.

You can't overdose on indigestion tablets.

Oh, God. You're right.

Have you got any heroin?

Oh, that's enough.

Sit up. I can't.

Thank you. Listen to me.

You realise she didn't actually say no?

All she said was "Not like this, and not in front of your weird cousin."

What do you mean?

I mean, yes, you made a complete tit of yourself,

but it doesn't mean it's over.

Just...come on. Man up!

What would Omo Man do?

Sue her for defamation.

No! He would go and talk to her and clean this mess up.

Now, come on.

And...lose the tuxedo.

No-one wants to marry Gopher from The Love Boat.

Fair call.

That's one down.

I'm gonna go sort the other one out.

So you won't take the review down?

What if I offered you a little compensation?

I don't know.

Let's say $20.

Hello?

Roz? Yes, Helen.

Can I come in? Are we good?

Yes. Of course.

Roz, just remember yesterday in the kitchen

and you told me to shut up?

Did I?

OK. Look.

I was wondering if

we shouldn't give Dr Dubas a call.

You just seem a little bit...un-Roz.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm fine. Yeah.

It's nothing a cheeky glass of wine with a gal pal won't fix.

OK. Well, if you're sure.

How about tonight? For what?

A night out. Where shall we go?

Who? Us.

You and me? Yes! Why not?

I think I'm gonna work late tonight. Oh.

Understood. Busy. Busy, busy like a bee.

Yes, I am. Bzz-bzz.

Maybe I'll bring the party to YOU. Oh.

Maybe.

Yes, hello. I'm just calling about a Google review.

Did you talk to Roz? Yes.

We really need Ray to talk to her, but he's no use to anyone.

He's lost his goddamn mind as well!

What even was that yesterday?

Tuxedo.

Hiding in a cupboard.

Proposing in a meeting room with vertical blinds?

What an absolute car crash.

A lot of it was my idea.

What? I egged him on.

Selfish. Selfish?

Yeah. I got too invested. I wanted to be the best man.

And you will be. It's not over yet.

I just spoke to Meli, told her we need to talk.

Oh, well done, Ray.

That's very grown-up of you.

And this, much better look.

You bet. I'm off to rewrite the ending of this love story.

- Way to go, Ray. - Way to go, Ray.

Credit to you, Fisk.

That was quite the motivational speech you gave me.

Oh, seriously? Yes.

And I'm also still a bit drunk.

Call me a cab, Georgie.

Cooee!

Got a minute for a friend?

It's four o'clock, Roz.

Already? Well, I won't lie to you.

I have started early.

Haven't had any clients all day.

Anyway. Here's cheers!

Cheers, Roz.

Mmm!

Mmm. Ooh.

So...

Yummy. I've been reading my Google reviews.

I don't think people like me, Helen.

Wow. Mmm.

Just don't read them, Roz.

"We paid a fortune

"to listen to this clown drone on about pyramids and circles."

Well, you're not a clown. You just wear red lipstick. So...

"Solved nothing. Waste of money. Avoid.

"Also, base camp is at the bottom, you moron."

Rude.

"I only gave one star because zero stars was not an option"?

Well, that's unoriginal. I've heard that before. So don't listen to them.

"This 'mediator' sat there with a big smile on her dumb face

"pointing at shapes."

Dumb face? What's dumb about my face?

Nothing, Roz.

I think these people are angry at the process of mediation,

not at you personally.

Oh. Speak more to that. Say more about me.

As we both know,

all any client wants to hear is, "You're right and they're wrong."

But as a mediator, all you can do is waft around, saying things like,

"We're all a little bit right and we're all a little bit wrong."

Circles, shapes, talking, compromise.

No-one wants to hear that, Roz.

Wow. I feel like I have been slapped in the face.

Sorry. Do you know what you are, Helen?

In trouble? A truth-sayer.

Yes! In a good way? Very much so.

I feel like I'm seeing everything through a whole new lens.

Oop!

Ooh.

Up!

Beep-beep-beep-beep! Beep-beep-beep-beep!

Perfect pitch. As use.

B flat.

Hey.

Thank you, friend.

Beep-beep-beep-beep! Beep-beep-beep-beep!

Wow.

Oh.

Thank you for yesterday, Helen.

It was just the kick in the pants I needed.

Oh. Pleasure, Roz. Yeah.

I think, uh, pants-kicking might be my special skill.

Oh, no. You really taught me something.

Did I? Oh, yes.

The haters are going to hate no matter what you do.

Exactly.

So there's no point trying to be nice.

I'm not sure that's quite what I said.

The gospel according to Helen.

"Fuck 'em all."

That's definitely not what I said, Roz,

but I'm glad you're feeling better.

Well...

..it's certainly dry and clinical,

with no room for interpretation.

Thank you.

Some of my best work. You're really very good.

Yes, I am.

Oh.

Have I inspired you to do some scribbling?

What?

Mind if I take a look? Or is it private?

Oh, that's not mine.

No, that's Roz's. But you can have a look.

She loves people reading her stuff.

She'll read it AT ya if you're not careful.

Oh, no. I...I...I don't... think I can read this.

Yeah. She does write some rubbish.

This woman's in a very dark place.

Oh, yes, she was.

Uh, but she's OK now.

I gave her a good kick in the pants.

I think a hug would have been more appropriate.

Well, I'm more of a kicker than a hugger.

And, to be clear, it was a metaphorical kick.

The most dangerous kick of all.

Metaphors can be very powerful.

I didn't know that.

You took three weeks off!

Well, I asked for six weeks, but you wouldn't give it to me.

Alright! Shut it, the pair of you.

Here is the situation.

You really are taking the piss with all those absences.

Thank you. Exactly what I've been saying for the past several weeks!

I haven't finished.

And you, you can't fire someone without a written warning

and a performance improvement plan.

Yeah, Rob.

A what?

My point is, you're both idiots.

So, I want you to go back to the office

and sort this out like grown-ups.

But we were sent here to sort it out.

Yes, and I just told you how to do that.

You, get a dog minder.

You, let her work from home a couple of days a week.

There. There's your judgement.

Done!

Get out.

Um...

..I would just like to say,

that is not what I was expecting.

And you are really rude and completely disrespectful.

Save it for your Google review.

Get out.

Hey, Roz.

Seems like a very... different approach.

Yes, well, they're going to hate me anyway,

so why waste time on pleasantries?

That is the gospel according to Helen.

Yeah. That's not quite what I said, Roz.

That's what I heard.

Did you want a hug?

Sorry, what was that?

Nothing. All good.

Oh, guys. Guys, look. Look who it is.

- Morning, all. - Hey.

Um, we have something we'd like to...

Oh. Sorry. You go, darling. Thank you.

We have some exciting news.

You're engaged?

Oh, no. I'm gonna cry.

No. We're engaged to be engaged.

Sorry, what are you?

Engaged to be engaged. Is that a thing?

We're going to get engaged next month, and everyone's welcome,

including weird cousins.

Oh, goody. Just need to nut out a few details.

Like a prenup?

No.

You tell them, Ray-Ray.

I'm gonna be a dad.

Oh, my God.

Did I not tell you to take precautions?

Who's the mother?

- I am, silly. - You?!

But aren't you, like...

..out of eggs?

We're not HAVING a baby.

We're having a Bubby.

Oh.

I'm adopting Bubby.

I was inspired by you and Viktor.

I said to Meli, "I want Bubby to know that I'm not

"just another man blowing in,

"banging his mum and blowing out again."

Ray! Oh, Ray!

Sorry. I want to reassure him that this is for keeps.

We want the boy to have some stability in his life.

Isn't the boy 24?

Ray said you were 57 when you were adopted.

49, but point taken.

Congratulations, guys. Oh!

Thank you. Thank you.

- Well done. - Well done, Ray.

Good on you, man.

Fisk.

Yeah. I've got you a little something.

Oh, a magic tree? That's special.

Get rid of the dumpling smell and the...

..stench of despair I brought into the place.

Sorry about that. No problem, Ray.

I'm just glad everything worked out for you.

Surprise gender reveal!

Oh!

- OK. - Oh! Good on you, mate!

I just wanted to be part of the big news.

It's a boy.

- Well, he's 24. It's a man. - It IS a man.

- Absolutely. - Oh!

Well, hello. You're talking about me, are you?

Well, guess what. I don't even care.

Helen taught me that. No, I didn't. What?

We're not talking about you, Roz.

But I'm glad everyone's here. Now I can tell you all together.

I'm leaving. Well, I mean, it is 3:30.

That sounds about right. No.

I'm leaving the business.

What? What?

Why?!

Oh, no, Ray.

- Oh, no! - Hey!

Buddy. Georgie!

Come on, mate. Please.

Be strong for me now, mate.

Hey! George!

Where's he going? George!

Not the can.

He's not got the key.

You need the key!

He needs the key. I'll get the key!

I'll get the key!

Why is there only one key to that toilet?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation