Original subtitles

Well, I think it's probably... Ah. Morning, Helen.

Did you not hear me honking? Yes. Very uncouth.

We won't be honked at like a pair of street walkers.

What's going on with your licence?

Oh, it's been suspended.

He has to take a driving test.

Some anonymous arsehole reported me to VicRoads for erratic driving.

Maybe someone saw you drive into that bollard at the shopping centre.

Was it you? Are you the anonymous arsehole?

Oh, that'd be right. Hey.

No, it wasn't me. I didn't even know reporting someone was a thing.

Come on. We don't want to keep the publisher waiting.

Current travel time to destination - 23 minutes.

Start driving, Helen, I need to see which way the blue dot is going.

So reversing to begin with.

Dad, can you move your head? I can't see.

Yeah, OK.

Just be careful here. They do fly along this street.

Oh, look at those trees, David. They're great.

They look beautiful. Yeah.

Are they chameleons? No. They're pistachios.

Can you just watch the blue dots instead of the trees.

Oh, no! Stop! Wait! Turn around, turn around.

Oh... Definitely?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, look. The dot.

I can't look. I'm driving.

So the other way. This other way?

Yeah, yeah. Come on, give it a bit. Lovely, lovely.

Oh, hang on, hang on.

No, it's that way, it's this way.

Which way? Back that way.

This way? That way.

No, no, no, no. The other way.

We're reversing, Helen. It's quite simple.

Oh, wait. No, no. Oh, bugger.

Any chance you were navigating when Dad drove into that bollard?

Due to Helen's objections to casual clothes,

we're cancelling Jeans For Jeans Day.

Well, I just feel uncomfortable around that much denim.

It is a lot. Thank you.

Item two. My assistant.

Now, I've got a recruitment... Oh, shit. Cops. Cops.

Helen, what have you done?

I made a lot of U-turns this morning, driving down Invicta.

But here they come. Sit up straight. What's the matter with you?

I just have an irrational fear of authority figures. I can't help it.

Good morning. Hello. Good morning, sir.

You go.

At 9:03am this morning,

a credible threat was made via the telephone

to the Copeland Local Area Command.

This call gives us cause to believe there may be a remotely operated

incendiary device somewhere on the property.

What?

There's been a bomb threat.

If everyone can evacuate the building...

Get out! Ray! Stop! The door's this way.

Of course. Thanks, buddy. Waa!

Go on, get out! Get out!

Go, go! There's no time for that. Get out!

Fire! Fire!

The one at the door's quite handsome.

Jesus, Roz. He's about 25.

Sorry. It's the adrenaline.

What? That's your fight or flight response? To turn into a pervert?

Alright. Fine.

What about the sergeant?

He's got a certain something. Really not the right time, Rozzi.

Hey, hey, hey. No fighting. That's what the terrorists want.

Oh, God. Here they come.

OK, there's no bomb.

But we need to speak to a Mrs Roz Gruber.

That's me.

Except it's Ms, not Mrs. I'm not married.

Settle down.

I do beg your pardon. It's all this adrenaline.

It's got me all come hither.

It's understandable.

Thank you, Sergeant.

We believe that you were the intended target.

Me?

No, that doesn't sound right. I'm very well liked.

The caller stated on the telephone,

"I have planted a bomb at Conch Mediation to get Roz Gruber."

Oh, my.

They called the police station

because nobody was answering your phone.

Well, I've had a lot of trouble finding a personal assistant.

Can you think of anyone who might have a grudge against you?

Well, no. Like I said, I've always been very well liked.

And I'm an excellent mediator. My ex-wife and I attended mediation.

Oh, wonderful. How did you find the process?

We found it to be an egregious and inefficacious procedure.

What's that?

Hateful. Oh.

And have you repartnered?

Sorry for your loss, mate.

Ray broke it.

Would you do that for?

I panicked. It's his special thing.

I knocked it out of his hand. I was...

What's going on? What's going on?

Conch is under attack. Oh, no.

Shit. I should have seen this coming.

After all, mediators are like judges,

and there are people who hold grudges.

You sound a bit like Doctor Seuss.

Oh, I'm so glad you find this amusing, Helen.

Meanwhile, my life is in danger.

Could things be any stranger?

Fisk. Sorry. I'm nervous.

We need to vacate the premises

until they find the person responsible for these threats.

So, I propose moving Conch to the coworking hub.

Excellent. I'm going home to work from home, obviously.

I might work from home as well.

Sometimes I use the Hub after hours to work on some of my side hustles.

I don't want to confuse myself.

Helen?

I might work from Ray's just for a couple of days.

Oh, stop the rhyming right now. That one was an accident.

Is that alright, Ray? No, mate.

Why not? Well, because it's my home.

Can you sort that out, please, Georgie?

I'll get you a desk at the Hub.

Thanks, George.

Why can't I go to your house?

Just close the doors on any rooms you don't want me to go into.

Very much appreciated, Helen. I had a very stressful day.

You two need to learn how to use Uber.

We know how to use Uber.

We know how to use it.

The publisher asked us to make a little video to promote the launch.

So Viktor put this together.

Viktor made this? Mm.

OK.

Might be why you've got a basket coming out your head, then.

Hello.

My name is the honourable Justice Anthony Fisk,

retired Supreme Court judge.

My memoir, entitled Nothing But Judgement, comes out next week.

Good. Lots of facts.

The launch... Oh, it's still going.

..the Lowly Worm Bookshop.

Good. Formal.

Well done.

See, Tony? I told you it was good.

And this is the one I made this morning

with their social media person.

Oh, OK.

# What's that... # Oh, wow.

# What's that on your head? #

Hi, guys.

I used to be a judge, and I've written a book about it.

Unputdownable. Binge worthy. Spicy.

Did you say 'spicy'?

Spicy!

..belongs in your TBR list.

What's TBR? No idea.

That's just my opinion.

The Lowly Worm Bookshop.

That's where it's happening. Deets in the link. See you there.

I'll be the one getting...wiggy with it.

Wow. Well, that's... that's a lot, isn't it?

Did you understand a word of it? I think the wig thing's pretty funny.

I told her it wasn't accurate. She said we're just trying to get views.

Yeah, I think you'll get some views.

You're not suggesting we use that one?

Yes. You've got to trust the young people. It's their world.

They know what works. Fine.

Well, I'm going to post my sensible version

at the Copeland Shire Community Facebook page.

Oh, careful, Pappy. Those community Facebook pages can be toxic.

Yes. Didn't Chelsea say not to bother about Facebook?

Oh, suddenly Chelsea's the expert on social media, is she?

Yes.

OK, I'm going to head off. Oh, please don't rush off, Helen.

We're having takeaway for dinner tonight.

Oh, that's very kind, but I do have to get home.

Uh, no. I was hoping you could go and pick it up for us.

Oh, just get it delivered.

You must be Helen.

Welcome to the Hub. Thank you.

Are you a little bit late? I was expecting you at nine.

Yeah, well, I'm moonlighting as an Uber driver, apparently.

So what can you do?

But I'm here now, so show me my desk and I'll get out of your hair.

Oh, we'll just do a little bit of housekeeping first,

familiarise you with the coworking space.

What, right now? Yeah, I think so.

We just want to make sure you get the most out of your time

here at the Hub.

You know, the last thing I want is four days in, you're suddenly like,

"Ah, Leo, why didn't you tell me there was a sparkling water tap?

"I've only just found it now. Agh!" OK.

Well, I definitely wouldn't say that ever,

but I really just need a desk, and I'm good.

See, people think that.

So, I'm Leo.

I think of myself as kind of the head of vibes here at the Hub.

That's fine.

You can come to me with basically anything except for tech support.

That's Casper's department.

So, if you want to follow me, I'll show you around the space.

Oh, stop. Stop, stop! Sorry. Am I going too fast?

I always do this. Do you know what it is?

I get very excited when we have a newbie.

I'm just really busy. I've really got to get to work.

So if we could do all this and the vibes and the tap stuff a bit later,

that would be great.

Well, that's your desk there.

Right.

And could I get the Wi-Fi password?

I usually give that out during the induction.

Right.

I didn't quite see...

Could you just tell me which one is my desk?

I'm very busy. OK.

I'll just go to this one here.

That's not your desk.

No, that's not my desk.

Nah. No.

Neither is this one here.

Nope. OK.

OK. Going here.

Psst!

Psst!

Wi-Fi password. Oh. Thank you.

George told me to look after you. I'm the Hub master.

Master.

OK. We'll give it a go.

Oh, I'm sorry, I should have said.

No unauthorised signs in the Hub.

I just thought it's good to remind people in a fun way

to wash their own cups.

This isn't very fun if you don't have a mum, though, is it?

Oh, no, I didn't think of that. That's alright.

That's why we ask all signs be submitted for approval.

Of course. Well, what about this one?

I was thinking of putting this one up in the bathroom.

"If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie, wipe the seaty."

I don't get it. What is this? Doctor Seuss?

It's a polite way of saying...

"Please don't wee on the seats, ladies."

OK, well, I don't know where you work normally,

but I can assure you that is not a problem here.

Any more?

Well, I thought this one might give everyone a bit of a chuckle.

It's a workplace, Roz.

Hi, Leo.

Oh, hi.

I was hoping to use one of the meeting rooms.

They're called breakout spaces. Yes, those.

I would like to book one, please.

You'll need to log into the portal on the website.

Was that part of the induction?

Yes, it was. Yes, it was.

Could you possibly show me how to book one now, please?

I could squeeze you in

for an induction tomorrow morning at 9:30am.

Yeah, OK. I'll just wait till then.

Yeah. Thank you.

Sorry about this.

All the meeting rooms were booked until 9:30 tomorrow morning.

But just take a seat here.

You're fine. Glennys, Jean over there.

I'll grab this one.

Here.

OK, so, Glennys, I believe you would like to change your will.

She wants to bequeath the house to the church.

Well, I own the house and I think it's the right thing to do.

Yeah. OK. Are we talking about the house you're both living in now?

Yes. Right.

But then if you die and the church gets the house,

where does that leave Jean?

On the street. Homeless.

Excuse me? Yeah?

Can you keep it down?

I'm trying to set up a tour to the marketplace in Athens.

OK. Sorry.

It's where the Stoics used to meet.

Yeah. No-one cares, mate. God.

We have a charter in this hub, and it mandates respect for co-workers.

OK. Well, I'm a bit busy trying to make sure one of my clients

doesn't end up homeless and on the street.

You know what the Stoics would say?

It's only a problem if you choose to make it a problem.

Did you seriously just say that to me about homelessness?

I booked you a meeting room. That's your code.

Oh. Thank you!

That is fraudulent use of the booking system. I can report you!

And I could delete your entire client database.

Thank you, Hub Master.

Put the chair back. Put the chair back.

Chair's back.

Reported.

Hello. Hello.

Roz Gruber, Conch Mediation Services.

New to the Hub, but loving the communal workspace.

Simon. Sing out if you need any help.

I'm the content strategist, brand manager.

Basically, I'm the guy

who can connect the shit out of you and your end user.

Wonderful. Well, let me run an idea by you.

I was thinking we might get everyone to chip in $10,

and I can stock the shit out of that kitchen with quality tea and coffee.

There's already free tea and coffee in the kitchen.

I know, but home brand tea bags, generic coffee pods?

Come on, we deserve better than that.

Did you just wink at me?

Because that's not cool.

Also, I'm really not comfortable

with the way you're sitting on my desk.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

It's inappropriate.

Understood. I do apologise, I'm normally very professional.

It's always better to speak up,

deal with it now rather than have to report it.

And then it's an old thing.

Oh, of course, of course.

Now, where did we land on that $10?

Oh, shit.

I think it's fairly clear your parents' intention

was that you would pass the house to Jean.

She wants to leave the house to the church

to curry favour with a certain young man.

Jesus?

No! Her fancy boy!

I think someone's jealous that I have a gentleman caller.

Right.

He's a captain in the Unitarian Angel Army.

Oh, no, not the Unitarian Angels. Oh, God.

Glennys, I think you might have a choomer.

I don't have a tumour.

No, not a tumour. A choomer.

A charity groomer.

A person who preys on elderly people.

I'm not elderly. You are a little bit.

Sorry, I meant lonely. I'm not lonely.

You are a little bit.

Bequeathing the house to the church was my idea.

Well, where am I going to live?

You'll be dead already, which is very sad.

Yes... How do you know I'll be dead?

Well, Johnny told me.

He said she's bound to die any minute

because of all the gin and the chuff-chuff.

Right. Can I make a suggestion?

Why don't we just wait until Jean's actually dead? Then change the will.

Let's sit tight and wait for Jean to die.

Sorry, Jean. I did just hear myself then. I'm just saying...

Well, what will I tell Johnny? I promised I'd change the will.

Would you like me to speak to Johnny? I'd like to speak to Johnny.

You're not speaking to Johnny.

You can speak to Johnny. OK.

But not you. No.

You stay away from my Johnny.

I think just...you shush. I'll sort it, Jean.

Hey, Hub Master! Hello.

Got your note.

Yes, please. It's intriguing.

I made you a cup of tea. Oh. Thank you.

Sit down. Sit. Very formal.

Yes.

God, it stinks in here. Yes.

The lady with the beehive hairdo microwaved a fish curry.

Oh, Roz!

Anyway, I have an amazing idea.

So what if, when someone's writing a will,

they include a secret code word?

OK.

And I call it a dead word.

Dead word? A dead word.

What does it mean?

So when one of your loved ones passes

and you want to get in contact with them...

Sorry. You want to get in contact with them after they've died?

Yes. Does that happen a lot?

"Oh, Gran's dead. We should try and get in touch."

Oh, yeah. Oh, it does? OK.

Imagine you go to a psychic and they go,

"Gran's in the room and she wants to talk to you."

You can go, "Well, then, what's Gran's dead word?"

And if they don't know it...

You've exposed a fraud, my friend. And you get your money back.

Wow. Well, I mean, it's not a bad idea.

Not bad? It's genius.

It's going to disrupt the entire fortune telling industry.

Yeah, I guess I would just question

whether it's an industry big enough that it needs disrupting.

Are you kidding? These people, they prey on the vulnerable.

They need to be stopped.

Yeah, maybe.

What's this? Like a mother and son type of vibe? I love it.

Oh, Mrs Gruber, I'm Senior Constable Shona Jones.

Sergeant McCabe sent me to give you an update on the case.

Oh, so he's not coming at all? No. Just me today.

I assume he sends his regards?

Sure. Well, come on through.

I've booked a meeting room. Breakout space.

No need. I won't take much of your time.

We were able to trace the calls to a backpackers hostel.

A backpacker?

Yes, but he was just the middleman.

Well, can you arrest the backpacker?

Turn the screws, rough him up a little and get a name?

I mean, obviously, turn your body cam thing off first.

I beg your pardon?

Sorry. I'm really not myself. This has been extremely stressful.

The backpacker left the country this morning.

We are currently looking for a Mr Jason Lee.

We believe he paid the backpacker to make the threats.

Jason? My client, Jason, the dry cleaner?

Correct. However, we've been unable to make contact with Mr Lee.

Oh, sounds like he's on the lam.

Unlikely, given it's not the 1800s.

We think he's on holidays.

And you should remain here until we have him in custody.

Alright. Thank you, Senior Constable.

Give Sergeant McCabe my love.

What? What?

Good God, Roz! Stop it!

Ready to go?

You were supposed to be here at 4:30.

Well, I'm a bit busy at my actual job, sorry, Pappy.

Don't call me that. No, we are not going anywhere.

Your father is in a complete state. We both are.

It started last night,

as soon as Tip put the post up on the Copeland Facebook page.

Yeah, we got a smiley face. We got a thumbs up. We got clapping hands.

And then someone took exception to the venue.

The whole thing kicked off. What's wrong with the bookshop?

"My daughter Tahini was fired from that bookshop for calling in sick."

Thumbs down, thumbs down. Red angry face.

Poo with eyes - twice.

And then... Yeah, OK, Dad.

You don't have to read all of the emojis. I can see them.

Well, then the bookshop owner weighed in.

He said Tahini was fired because she was stealing.

Someone called her the Copeland Klepto.

I mean, that's defamatory.

It's Facebook, Dad, it's all defamatory.

Another person said that we were their only fans or something.

You know, someone said, "Come to Brazil."

We're considering it.

It might be fun. Did you get in touch, Tip?

No, no. Do not engage.

And do not go to Brazil.

Yeah, well, I tried to get the thread back on track,

but then they turned their anger on me.

"F off out of the comments box, you silly old poofter."

Oh, God. That's awful.

I know. Who says 'poofter' anymore? It's very '70s.

And now they've cancelled the whole launch.

Oh, it's really disappointing.

I'm sorry, Dad. I know.

And just when the Instagram page was going so well.

Oh... Oh!

2,000 likes!

Oh. Gee!

Tony, you really should delete that.

The launch isn't happening now.

Give that to me. No. They're my likes.

Yeah. Let him have his likes, man.

So I think you'll get a lot more out of the Hub now.

And how long did that take? Like, two minutes?

I think 26. But who cares?

It felt like two. Because it was worth it.

Welcome aboard, Helen.

And hey, thank you for respecting my time this morning.

Yes. Now, quick question.

Given the Hub's charter of respect -

which I love, love, love, heart-shaped hands -

what about a sign on the microwave that says,

"No fish! Respect our hub's airspace."?

I will consider it.

And thank you for submitting that sign for approval. I appreciate it.

Glennys doesn't need your permission to change her will.

Next time I pop in for tea and cake, I'll take one of our lawyers

and get the job done myself.

You can't stop me. No, I can't.

But I also represent Jean, and I'll fight you on her behalf.

I'm not worried about Jean.

Why? Because of all the gin and the...jazz cabbage?

And the butter. She spreads it on her toast like cheese.

Fine. Do it. Change the will.

But if Glennys dies first, I'll lodge a member of household claim

and I'll drag this whole thing through the courts.

I'll do it publicly and expose you as a choomer and a grammer.

A what?

A grammer - a granny scammer.

Did you just make that word up? Yes, I did.

And there's plenty more where that came from,

you boondoggling, pensioner swindling grifter, meister man.

Hey, Glennys. Glennys! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

The delightful Glennys Pino. Mwah!

Hello, Johnny. Hello, gorgeous.

You're just in time.

Your spiky little lawyer friend has threatened me

with all sorts of nasty legal action if we changed the will.

So you don't want me to change it? No.

I think Johnny understands now that it's in everyone's best interests

if we sit tight and wait for Jean to die first,

then you can change the will.

Obviously, don't tell Jean I said it quite like that.

Now, as per Helen's instructions,

I will cease and desist my weekly visits.

What? I never said you have to stop visiting. Come on.

Yes. I want you to keep visiting.

Nothing in it for me, darling.

Call me when Jean's dead. Um...

Wow.

Wow!

Oh, I can't believe that.

Oh, my God, I know!

He literally just admitted he was only visiting you to get your house.

No, that's not what I heard.

But that's exactly what he just said...with his mouth.

Casper, what's C&S?

Is that cheese and snacks?

That's Conduct and Standards.

It's like respect in the workplace.

Usually means someone's lodged a formal complaint.

Oh.

That guy is so annoying.

I just got Leo on side.

What did you do that for?

So, as you may be aware,

I have received multiple complaints

about a particular member of the Hub.

Oh, God, you're so annoying.

Rosalind Gruber.

I'm sorry. What?

So, as per the charter,

the community must now vote to decide whether that member can stay.

Jesus, what is this? Lord Of The Flies?

Leo's a big fan of Survivor.

May I ask who's been complaining?

Well, I couldn't reveal names,

but I can tell you the complaints include excessive use of hairspray,

defying the Hub's one squirt only perfume rule,

winking at a co-worker.

Hey, I thought we sorted that out.

Sorry, I just didn't feel safe.

And of course, reheating a fish curry in the office microwave.

Oh, who would complain about that?

Thank you.

I will now count the votes.

One vote...

Leave.

For goodness sake, I'm not going to sit here and be humiliated.

Come on, Helen.

Why do I have to leave? The tribe likes me.

You're walking out in solidarity.

Fine.

Two votes - Leave.

Bye, Hub buddies.

It's been fun. See you, Casper.

Leo. Heart hands.

Come on, Helen. Yes, I'm coming, Roz.

This is a picture of a penis.

Three votes...

Where are we going to work now?

Ray just texted.

They've caught the dry cleaner, so we can go back to the office.

OK.

Quick sticks, Helen. Yep. Coming.

Leave.

Oh, we are literally walking out the door.

The Hub has spoken.

Gather your things...

I voted stay, by the way.

Did you really?

No.

I figured you were cooked, so I sided with the mob.

But I feel really bad about it.

Come on, quick sticks. Don't dwell on it, Roz.

We're out of here now. It's over.

Alright. It's great to be back.

Mud cake in a moment.

But first, in light of recent events and the absolute shambles

that occurred as we tried to exit the building...

Tip of the hat to Georgie for stopping me jumping out the window.

Thank you.

We've decided to put an emergency procedure protocol in place.

Now, the phrase we will be using is "The Sandman is in the building."

When you hear that phrase,

make your way quickly but calmly towards the nearest exit.

The one through the door.

Now, whatever it might be - fire, gas leak, a gunman...

Oh, come on, Roz. A gunman?

Oh, be quiet! I'm still not talking to you.

Come on, Helen, we're still in healing mode.

Now, as the man whose cool head prevailed last time,

we've decided to make you our official leader in times of crisis.

Oh, I'm honoured.

Well done, Georgie.

Everybody remain calm.

The dry cleaner is in the building.

It's "The Sandman's in the building."

No. Roz? Roz? The dry cleaner's in the building.

Oh, God. Ray, get away from the window!

I'll handle this.

No serious charges will be brought against Mr Lee.

I didn't tell the guy to make bomb threats.

My ad said, "Person wanted to make prank phone calls."

That were supposed to be annoying. You know, like, call and hang up.

Call and ask if your refrigerator is running.

Ask to speak to Mike Hunt.

That's always a classic.

I'm sorry. He's got a very dark sense of humour.

That's not dark, that's offensive.

I'll get Roz.

Mr Lee would like to read to you from a written apology.

Sergeant, would you mind?

I'll allow it.

"The day I attended mediation was the worst day of my life.

"I had been expecting a fair judgement and a ruling in my favour.

"I now understand that is not how mediation works.

"Nobody wins.

"Everybody loses."

Is there an apology coming?

"However, I'm sorry that I took out my frustrations on Mrs Gruber.

"I realise now it is not her fault

"that mediation is such a terrible process."

Well, it's not quite the apology I was expecting, but thank you, Jason.

You can probably stop holding hands now.

Just one more minute, till I calm down?

I'll allow it. Hmm.

Beep, beep. Uber's here. Come on. Where are we going?

Oh, no. Hels, I got my licence back. Didn't Tip call you?

I passed my test.

What? Really?

Isn't it wonderful? OK.

Whoa, what's this? A bit of fun, Dad? Mm!

Point of sale promotion idea.

Oh, hey! Whoa! What are you doing?

Oh, my God, was it caught stealing or something?

No, we don't use gavels in Australia. Tip said it's inaccurate.

Hey!

Maybe 'gavel' could be your dead word.

Dead word? I told you, Tony.

Helen wants us to put a special word in our wills.

Some nonsense about contacting us in the afterlife.

No, it's not nonsense.

Oh, we can't use 'gavel', can we, Tip?

Oh, no, we most certainly cannot.

Why? What's funny about 'gavel'?

'Gavel' is our safe word. Yes.

You know, for when things go... Oh. Oh. Oh!

Helen? No.

Helen! No!

Helen! Helen, wait! Take this.

I've already filled it in.

You just need to sign it and submit it to VicRoads. It's all anonymous.

Oh, my God. Are you the anonymous arsehole?

Shh! Shh! Of course I am.

I'm the one in the death seat. The man's a menace.

Now, post that tomorrow.

Please? Do it for Pappy?

Oh, man. Sorry for your loss.

Do you think you can fix it?

Yeah, maybe. Um...

I think I might have to call Grandma.

I don't think it's dead yet.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation