Original subtitles

Viktor gazed off into the distance.

The mood was pungent with the unsaid.

All my past yearnings bubbled to the surface

and threatened to engulf me.

We went into the bedroom and shut the door.

Are you alright?

Oh. I'm sorry. Is that it?

Yay.

Very good. You're not upset?

About what?

The explicit nature of that last paragraph.

Explicit?

It's the moment your father realises he's a gay man.

Are you alright with me sharing details of such a sexual nature?

When was it sexual?

We went into the bedroom and shut the door.

What else could that mean?

That it's night time and you're going to bed.

So you're alright with it?

I would maybe rethink the use of the word pungent.

Sounds like there's a bad smell in the room.

What about ripe?

Still a bit farty.

It's fine. Leave it. We need to think about the title.

How about this one? I Object.

Yeah, but you're the judge, so that doesn't make any sense, does it?

What are you objecting to?

Approach The Bench.

You look like you're on some silly morning show, Dad.

What have you got a whisk in your hand for?

How did they talk you into that? Yeah. Alright, alright.

Hang on. All Rise.

Bit penis-y

Petty man.

Yep.

Get inside.

Excellent.

Morning. Ooh...

Hey, I said morning.

Oh, and good morning to you, Murray.

There you go. Wasn't too hard, was it?

You're late. I know.

Murray was outside, hosing the path like an old Greek woman.

Is he still not talking to you?

Worse. Now he's doing really aggressive good mornings at me.

Morning's hardly aggressive. It is the way he says it.

Morning. You need to sort that out.

I know, or I could just sell up and move.

That's what I would usually do.

Your 9am is here.

Oh, God. Can you take that? Ta.

What you've got here is a pretty standard will.

Well, we're a pretty standard family.

OK, well, let's go through what's changed.

Is your husband dead?

No. Dying?

No. Has he lost capacity?

No. Making bad choices?

Are you planning to leave your husband?

Is your husband planning to leave you?

You're pretty obsessed with my husband.

No, I'm just trying to establish why you want to redo your will.

Stefan thought it would be a good idea.

And Stefan is your husband?

No, no, he's a financial advisor.

Stefan Bogdanovic. That's him.

He recommended you.

Did he? Lovely fella.

Funny little baby face on him.

How old do you think he is? I don't know.

Hard to tell. Maybe 20.

40.

Yeah. Ish...

I'm just going to come right out and say it.

I think you're wasted on reception.

I promise you, I'm not. I don't even drink, so.

No, no, I think you have more to give.

I'm not sure I do. I'm the probate clerk.

I'm the webmaster. I'm Helen and Ray's assistant.

Plus, I've got my own business ventures.

But is that enough? It's a lot.

Alright. I didn't want to play this card but you forced my hand.

Before Viktor left...

I love that guy. I know we all do.

He said the only man capable of filling my shoes

here at Conch is you, Mr Chen.

So I'm the chosen one. Indeed.

So I was thinking, why don't we do a trial just for a week?

You can sit in on mediations, get to know the business.

What about Helen and Ray?

Oh, don't worry about them.

I'll send them a memo. It'll be fine.

Welcome to Conch.

Thank you.

# Burning up the fire. I am, I am burning up.

Oh, Roz, you've cracked it.

Got your memo. Oh, hang on, let me just save that.

Yes. What?

You poached our probate clerk. He came to me.

He said he was going nowhere at Gruber and Fisk.

Funny, he never mentioned that

at our performance review/ dumpling lunch.

Maybe he just wanted more of a challenge.

I'm not buying it, Rozy.

Oh, alright, I poached him.

I just couldn't go through that whole interview process again.

So now I have to do it? Selfish, Rosalind. Very selfish.

It's only a trial.

It's just one week at Conch

and George will organise a temp for Gruber's.

I don't want a temp. Why don't you get a temp?

Don't be such a baby.

You're a baby.

Oh, monte carlos. Yes.

Things have really changed around here since old Helen became partner.

Oh, Helen, I like it.

Makes you sound wise. How many can I have?

No limits, man. No limits.

Well, look who it is.

The ship jumper, the quisling, the Judas among men.

What? He's defecting.

He's going to work for Roz. Oh, no.

Why would you go and work for Roz? Me and Ray are so nice, aren't we, Ray?

Yes, we are, mate.

Oh, who bought these delicious treaty treats?

Lucky for me, it's a cheat day.

It's not a cheat day. Cheat day is Friday.

Yes, you're right, but you don't work here anymore.

So it looks like Ray is back.

Pop a biscuit on the road to chunk-ville.

It's probably enough, I think. I blame you for this.

It's only a week. I need to think about my future.

Fair enough, Chief. Come back anytime. Door's always open.

See how nice Ray is? Roz isn't going to be that nice.

Stop fighting over me.

Whoa, buddy. Keep your pants dry.

It's all good. We're just going to miss you.

It's OK. Biscuit?

And another one. You're OK.

And there's your phone.

And remember, if Helen needs anything.

Yep. Got it. Help Helen. That's my job.

And, Ray, don't forget about Ray.

Hey. George's grandma.

Are you the new temp? Yeah, but call her Lily.

We're a bit sensitive people will think she's a nepo granny.

Got it. I don't care.

Give me your laptop, Helen. OK.

Just gonna update all your software.

Oh, excellent. She's really good at tech.

I'm the webmaster. Don't say that.

You're not the webmaster.

I'm the webmaster.

No, I'm the webmaster.

You're not the webmaster.

You don't even know how to use the cloud.

I know. I was just trying to join.

You know, like in that movie, I'm Spartacus. I'm Spartacus.

Hey, Spartacus. You have a meeting in ten minutes.

Thank you. I'll just write down my password.

Don't need it. I'm in already.

She used to be a hacker.

Shh. That's classified.

OK.

I thought you were allowed to say it now.

The Pyramid of Understanding

is the process we will be using today

to resolve this dry cleaning dispute.

One, go back to the past and reflect.

Two, move into the present and explore the issues.

Three, arrive at base camp for resolution and agreement.

Base camp is normally the starting point.

No, not in the mediation world.

No. Alright. It's nearly time.

Watch and learn, grasshopper.

Have I just been a little bit racist?

I do beg your pardon, George.

Check yourself, Roz.

Ray. I've had three referrals from Stefan Bogdanovic this week.

Baby face Bogdanovic. Great.

That's how the networking group works.

He refers clients to you.

You refer clients to him.

He's referring clients that don't need their wills redone.

Knock, knock, Ray. There's a man in reception with a face like a baby.

Or is he already here?

Come on in, mate.

Take a seat. You remember Helen?

Sure do. Best in the biz.

That's what I keep telling everyone.

The question is, what are you telling people about me?

Nothing, I swear I wasn't the one that said baby face.

You can call me baby face. Call me whatever you want.

Just call me and send me some clients.

I mean, come on, throw me a bone here.

Or a client. Or three.

Let's even the score, old woman.

Oh, it's too much, mate.

Really? I'm OK with baby face.

Not the same, but I agree, Fisk does owe you some referrals.

And as soon as I get a client that asks for financial advice,

I'm sending them right to you.

You don't wait for them to ask for advice.

You tell them they need financial advice.

What, even if they don't need any?

Correctamundo.

Oh, OK. Firstly. Correctamundo. No.

Secondly, I don't think that's ethical.

Of course it is.

Not doing anything wrong.

Here think of it like this.

I suggest to someone they go into the bedroom.

Nothing wrong with that. Can't get arrested.

All I've said is that they should go in there.

You're the one that comes along, whips off their clothes,

gives them the happy ending.

OK, you know what? That's enough, Fonz.

We don't talk like that here, mate.

I'm just pointing out that it's on Helen to seal the deal.

Why'd you have to be so dirty about it? Why not just say

I lead them into the bedroom and, Helen, you close the door.

What does that mean?

Yeah. It's not clear, is it? No, no.

What is clear is that I'm the only one getting screwed here.

You owe me some referrals, Helen.

Call me. Bing bing.

Baby face out.

Sorry. That's a landline. Yeah.

Finger guns. 1970s sexism.

How old is that guy?

Hard to say. Definitely older than George.

Probably younger than you.

So maybe 56.

You want to guess again? 58.

Jason, have there been any other instances of shrinkage?

What do you even need the dress for anyway? You already wore it.

Are you getting divorced and marrying someone else?

I'm going to stop you there.

Alice, would you care to answer?

I don't think Alice should dignify that with a response.

What are you whispering about me? Nothing, I'm just trying to say...

George is actually on your side.

I thought this was an impartial process.

Absolutely it is.

But this is the exploration phase,

so it's very important for us to get all our feelings onto the table.

I have feelings, I feel like he's a rude arsehole.

Well, let's just keep it civil. I want that struck from the record.

There is no record. What is the point of this then?

I'll strike it. From what?

The iPad.

Let's move on to our wish list for justice.

Hang on, what about reflections on deeds past?

I think it's getting a little heated, George.

Let's just push on to base camp.

Well, I disagree, I'd very much like to reflect on

whether this arsehole has shrunk other people's clothes.

Strike that please. Striking.

Look, I just I don't really understand this whole pyramid

base camp thing.

I told you, it is a bit confusing.

Well, I think the thing is, when you're climbing,

base camp is where you start.

Yes, but it is also the place to which one returns.

If you don't end up back at base camp, where are you?

You're probably dead. Exactly.

Like poor old Green Boots. Yes.

No. What? Who's Green Boots?

He's the guy that died on Mount Everest.

Now he's just stuck up on the side of the mountain forever.

Like a human popsicle.

No. Yes.

Good. This is excellent. This is what this is about.

Get those feelings out onto the table.

But I'm running this. I'm in charge.

Yeah, Dad, you don't actually have to invest.

Just listen to his spiel and say I'll think about it.

Don't fuss with the aircon, Tony.

- Oh, good. Viktor's there. - I'm hot, Tip.

You're hot because you've got the heated seat on.

That's for my back. Dad? Dad?

Yes, Hels. We're in the car.

I've got you on speaker.

Yeah, I worked that out.

We're going to get some capers. Because that's a two person job.

It's too loud. Don't shout it. But we're on speaker.

Yes, but you can just speak normally.

You can hear me, can't you? Yeah, I can hear everything.

Listen, I'm going to text you with details. Stefan Bogdanovic.

He'll call you, OK?

Oh ,Tony look out. Look there's a bollard behind you. Tony.

Bollard! Bollard!

I can't listen to them. OK, I'm gonna count that as two.

Dad and Viktor. We just need one more referral, then I'm square.

What have we got? Jackie and Peter Boyle.

No money to invest.

Sergei Bennett. He's dead. No use to me.

OK, why don't you go and get some financial advice from Babyface?

Me? Why do I need advice?

You spend too much money on biscuits.

How do you know what I spend my money on?

I looked at your bank account.

When? You left the page open.

Yeah, I don't think I did.

Someone did?

Yeah.

And so, to our resolution.

Alice, you have agreed to $500 compensation.

And an apology. I'm sorry.

Happy? Huh? There's your precious apology.

No. I would like him to say it like he means it.

Yes. Alright. Jason.

How about she apologises for making shit up?

I didn't even shrink it.

You probably just ate too many pies.

Oh, shut your face.

You shrank my dress, mate. Deal with it.

And that is exactly what we've done.

We have dealt with it.

Look, well done everybody.

Good work all round.

We made it. Base camp.

Helen, just give me a sec, OK?

Alright. What have you got for me?

Where are you? A funeral.

Oh, God. Sorry. I'll call you back.

All good. Didn't know him. Just here to make some contacts.

This dead guy had a shit ton of the Rebecca.

Rebecca? Rebecca de Money.

It means these newly minted relatives are going to need some

financial advice from yours truly.

Oh, look out. Here comes the DB.

Sorry. The what? DB. Dead body.

Oh my God. OK, I've got that final referral for you.

It's me. I need some financial advice.

You? OK. Ooh, got to bounce. Body's on deck.

Sorry, boys. Sorry, lads. Sorry.

Great work. Cheers.

That's disgusting.

He's singing.

Why would you...

Hang up, Helen. Idiot.

Another great result for Team Conch.

Sorry, Roz. I'm too exhausted to high five.

What? Why?

All that arguing I'm finding it really upsetting.

Yes, but ultimately, everyone walked away happy.

Happy? Jason looked like he climbed Everest without oxygen.

Yes. Alright. I think I've had enough of the climbing analogies.

Now, this afternoon, we will be using the circle of resolution.

This afternoon? Yes.

We've got Pasquale and Monkfish coming in to settle

a fencing dispute. Already?

That's so soon.

I know, look at us.

We are crushing it, team Conch.

I can't.

Fist pump? No, thank you.

Hey, Ray, I was thinking...

Poor kid, he's knackered.

Roz is pushing him too hard.

Told him this would happen.

Mediation is stressful.

What do you need? Be quick. Keep it down.

I've been thinking about reasons people need to redo their will.

Change a circumstance, partner dies, new property purchase.

Did you just come in here to think aloud? Because I'm not loving it.

I'm just saying. Who am I describing?

Look at the guy.

Get there quicker, Fisk, I'm losing interest.

OK, it's my dad.

He hasn't redone his will since mum died.

And obviously I can't do it for him because Viktor.

But can I ask him to come and see you?

Absolutely. Always here for the great man.

I'd be honoured. Thanks, Ray.

We need more oxygen to summit. Green Boots.

Oh, my God, the human popsicle.

You'll be right, mate.

I'm gonna go.

You're OK, buddy.

Lily, did you touch my desktop?

I didn't touch it, I tidied it.

You're not supposed to touch my computer.

Oh, hey. That's childish.

Webmaster. Webmaster's Grandma.

Good morning. Good morning, Helen.

Coffee for you. Oh. Thank you.

Amazing. That's not part of your job.

Don't tell me my job. Helen's my boss. I get her coffee.

Yeah. George.

Old and cold. Just how I like it.

I got here at seven. I like to be early.

OK, good. Where's my app ideas?

That's not where they go.

Hey, what about this idea?

An app that shows you how to get to the nearest dog park.

That's a map, not an app.

I think you should go and do some work now, Helen.

Yeah. Helen.

Only I can tell Helen to do some work.

Yeah. George.I'm just gonna ding that up.

Thanks, Lily. You're the best.

Sorry, Roz. It's not for me.

Oh, it's only been two days.

I don't like how angry everyone gets.

You have to reframe it.

They're not angry. They're just emotional.

What about when Mr Monkfish turned on me and said,

fuck you, tablet boy?

Yes. Well, that was absolutely uncalled for.

I was just trying to take notes.

And it's an iPad.

Who calls it a tablet?

You need to develop a thicker skin.

I don't want a thicker skin.

I like to feel my feelings.

That is commendable. I can't argue with that.

What about grandma?

How's her skin?

Thick-ish.

Like a rhino. Perfect.

And if you want to know what happens next,

then you'll just have to buy the book.

I love that.

How's it going in here? Good. Good.

I was just telling Ray about the time

I was in the law revue at university.

Oh, when you actually slipped on the banana skin

instead of pretending to slip on the banana skin.

Oh, Helen. Spoiler alert.

What? He just said he told Ray that story.

I told him half the story.

Why'd you tell half that story? It's a sentence.

Anyway. How's the will going? It's still a work in progress.

Viktor has suggested the standard spousal will set up.

So if Dad dies, everything goes to Viktor.

Yes. And if I die, everything goes to your dad.

Well, that's the setup I had with your mother.

Yeah, but she was my mother.

Correct. I have flagged that.

God forbid the judge goes first.

God forbid? I'm sorry. Are we all hoping I go first?

No, no, Tip, of course not. What would I do without you?

Well, exactly.

Thank you, Tony, it's nice to feel cherished.

I'm simply pointing out that if the judge dies

and everything transfers to you,

then Helen is effectively cut out of the inheritance loop,

if you know what I mean. Oh, I know what you mean.

Well, that's not a problem. I'll simply name Helen as my beneficiary.

You might. Or you might not.

There's no legal obligation for you to nominate Helen.

She's not your next of kin.

Yes. What if you meet someone else, you might remarry.

Oh, Tony, I will never love again.

What if your grief drives you mental

and you decide to leave the money to the Men's Shed.

Suddenly I'm out of the picture.

You know you're not entitled to get anything.

I know. You're not either. Help me out here, judge.

Well, both sides have a compelling argument.

Mine's more compelling.

Might I propose a simple but legally elegant solution?

Please. I'm all about legal elegance, Your Honour.

So I've got an affidavit from the both of you here,

and I just need forms one, two, three and nine.

OK. And I assume you're the adoptee.

Guilty.

Oh, don't say that. I'm joking.

And you are? The adoptive father.

Yeah, but can we call him something else?

Because he's my father, so he should be something different.

Alright. I could be Papa. Like in The Crown.

No. Poppy Viktor. You're being silly.

I quite. Like Poppy Viktor. Or maybe Papi.

Definitely not. I could call you mum.

No. Stop it. Meemaw. Peepaw.

Oh, for heaven's sake. I like peepaw.

Hey, it doesn't matter what you call each other.

I just need to tick a box on this form.

Fine. Tick adoptive father. But I'm not calling you that.

I need you both to sign here.

What about Paw Paw?

I'm not a fruit, Helen.

We're both fruits, Tip.

No shame in it.

It's good they're gay.

It's all in the affidavit.

You probably know that already.

To elegant solutions.

Cheers, everyone.

That's yummy. I think it's German. It's nice.

Famous for their champagne.

It is, Roz.

I disagree, I just don't think soup is a proper meal.

Morning, webmaster. Webmaster's Grandma.

Good morning.

Coffee for the boss. Thank you.

Thank you, Lily, welcome to Conch.

What? I'm back, Helen.

Welcome home.

Did you get me a coffee?

That's not part of my job. Fair enough.

Oh, and, Roz, you might want to ding that up.

She likes to get here early.

I have fixed your laptop.

George said it was running slow.

Wonderful. What was wrong? What was the problem?

Too many voice memos.

I put them all on this.

Oh, they're all my song ideas.

Did you ever listen?

Anything grab you, any earworms?

What about Burning Up? By Madonna?

No, no, no. This is an original.

It's a song about climate change but from the Earth's perspective.

Shall I give you a little bit?

# Burning up # Can you feel the fire?

# I am burning up # Children, can you feel my ire?

# I am... Wait for it... # Mother Earth

I can go higher.

# Mother Earth, and you've taken me for granted

# You've forsaken me

Slightly rhymes. # I'm burning up. #

I'm actually speaking to a producer about recording it.

A pared back version.

Just piano and vocals.

Maybe some bongos? No. No bongos.

Such an earworm. It's like Western music.

# Can you feel the fire? #

Georgy, I've got baby face coming in this morning.

Just send him straight in.

No need. Jesus Christ.

'Cause he's already here.

Come on, Helen, let's talk Patrick. Yeah?

What? Patrick Cash.

40-15. Advantage, baby face.

Help please.

So, what do you think?

I thought you said you had money to invest.

I do. I have $5,000.

5k? That's it. That's a lot.

You've been a lawyer since, what, the '70s?

What have you done with all your cash, your moolah, your cha ching?

Well, I lost a lot in a messy divorce.

Biscuits, apparently. Oh, and I just bought my own house.

You boomers and your obsession with bricks and mortar.

Hey, I'm not a boomer.

So what are we going to do with all this money, Helen, this 5k?

I was thinking maybe a long term deposit.

Yeah. Maybe you want to take out some war bonds, too?

Yeah. They still a thing? No.

OK, well, then what do you suggest?

You want to get it on something at the ground level.

How about this? I pitched this to your dad. And that bald woman.

Her name is Viktor.

It's genetically modified food start-up called Food For Drummies.

They're developing a chicken with four legs.

Oh my God. Why?

Because everyone wants a drummy, that's why.

Well, I don't.

God, I never understand people's obsession with chicken legs.

It's just gristly brown meat. I mean, you know,

it's got a convenient handle,

but then you look like a caveman, don't you?

I get it, thank you. What about ED drugs?

Always good money in those.

ED. What's that? Erectile dysfunction.

Oh, yuck. No, really? Another stiffy drug.

How many do we need? Well, I don't need any.

I'm rocking nothing but solid oak down there,

if you know what I'm saying. Yeah, I know what you're saying.

And that is a hard no. Don't. Just stop.

OK, look, I'm actually quite busy with clients with actual money

to invest, so why don't you take a look at all these?

And if any of them appeal to your conservative boomery nature,

give me a call.

But I'm not a boomer.

You're a boomer. Not a boomer.

Ooh, Tumessamene, you're having a problem with your penis, Fisk?

No, I'm just trying to find an investment.

Ah, Georgy. Looking for this?

Got your favourites. Welcome back.

Caramel crowns, the king of biscuits.

So, did you want that?

Mind if I take a look for a friend? Sure, man.

It's not really for a friend.

You probably guessed that. I wasn't thinking about it.

Just in case, it hasn't been an issue.

Stop talking. Just take it.

Absolutely, mate.

Hey, webmaster, what about an app that rates biscuits

on a scale of deliciousness?

I've already got an app for that on my face.

It's called my mouth and I give that a ten.

Yep.

I'm heading off.

But I just wanted to say thanks for adopting me, Viktor.

You're very welcome, Helen.

Can't write me out of the will now. I'm your next of kin.

Alright. Don't spoil the moment by gloating.

What's that you're reading?

Tip's making a little investment in genetically modified foods.

Oh, not the Frankenstein four legged chicken company.

Yes, Food For Drummies.

Stefan talked me into it.

I actually put some money into it. Wonderful idea.

I can't believe someone hadn't thought of it already.

I mean, who doesn't want a drummy? Me, I don't.

Of course you do. Everyone wants a dummy.

Well, there goes my inheritance.

Night, Dad. Night, Papi. Night, Helen.

Oh, and shut the door, please, Helen.

I do feel like there needs to be a resolve, though.

Burning up, dum dum.

I just think it, you know, could use a resolve.

Have you got another hour?

I do. I've got another $400.

Oh, I mean, really. Good stuff.

Ready?

Good afternoon. Big voice.

Good afternoon.

I've been thinking about what you said in the kitchen today.

Don't shout.

Presenting, there should be an app for that.

For what? Exactly.

Next time you have an idea for an app,

you open up an app called 'There should be an app for that'.

It's an app that connects ideas, people with app developers.

It's a really good idea, Georgy.

We are offering a 49% share of the company for $1 million.

I have $5,000. We'll take it.

Yes.

# Where are the bees?

# Who will make the honey?

Who will? That's a good question.

# You talk and talk, but all you care about is money.

Bang.

# I'm burning up.

# Oh, can you feel the fire? I am.

Something like that.

# Burning up.

Comes naturally. Thank you.

# You feel my fire burning up.

Now, wait for it. Listen for this.

# I am burning up.

What's that?

World feel.

Is that bongos? They bongos.

Why does everyone think that this song needs bongos?

# I am Mother Earth

# And you've taken me for granted

# You've forsaken me

# I'm burning up

# I'm burning u-u-up

# Practically on fire # I'm burning up...

A big day on the Australian Stock Exchange today

with the much hyped GM food company

Food For Drummies going public.

Shares in the company that claim to have developed a four-legged

chicken have gone through the roof after only several hours of trade,

making it very clear that everyone wants a drummy.

Captions by Red Bee Media