All language subtitles for sweethearts.2024.1080p.web.h264-accomplishedyak

♪ Can you tell by the
way I fall down? ♪

♪ Can you tell by the
way I'm calling out? ♪

♪ That I go through all
this So I can talk to you ♪

♪ And after all that I
could not see it through ♪

♪ I want to dance with you ♪

♪ Should've known by the way
I'm throwing down for you ♪

♪ Should've known by the
way I'm looking out ♪

♪ That I don't know myself ♪

♪ Banging over you ♪

♪ That I don't know myself
Hanging it over you ♪

♪ I want to dance with you ♪

♪ That I don't know
myself Banging over you ♪

♪ That I don't know myself
Hanging it over you ♪

♪ I want to dance with you ♪

♪ So, just stay ♪

♪ Just stay ♪

♪ It's so easy to fall down ♪

♪ Feet, don't fail me now ♪

♪ So, just stay ♪

♪ Just stay ♪

♪ I want to dance with you ♪

♪ That I don't know
myself Banging over you ♪

♪ That I don't know myself ♪

♪ Hanging it over you ♪

♪ I want to dance with you ♪

Uh, I thought...

I thought slower would
have been quieter.

But it was way worse.

You guys have a beautiful day.

♪ Check-a, check, check ♪

♪ I catch wreck
With the Tech Deck ♪

♪ I'm the best yet Kill
a set then I jet, jet ♪

♪ Bet, bet... ♪

Fuck, yeah. Yeah!

Faster!

Yeah!

- Sorry.
- Baby, you like that?

Oh, yeah. I'm, uh, almost ready.

Oh, I'm so close. Oh!

Almost there. I'm so close.

- The dining hall's gonna close.
- I know!

Oh, yeah! Faster, harder.

Oh, yeah. Uh...

Just, I want you to
come for me right now.

- Where do you want me to come?
- My shoe! My shoe!

Wait, your shoe?

Okay,
I'm coming in your shoe!

Fuck! Did you come, too?

As your friend, you did not give
that the attention it deserved.

It's 8:00 a.m. I'm sorry I
wasn't squirting my brains out

before Medieval Literature.

Simon's football schedule
leaves very few windows.

You're also in a long
distance relationship.

I demand empathy.

Yeah. Okay. Well, when I am
virtually intimate with Claire,

she is, A, alone, and, B...

actually masturbating.

Well, you think that,

but women are
natural multitaskers.

I know what Claire is doing
because I can see her.

Because we're FaceTiming.

Yeah, the video format was
becoming an issue for me.

You're not a fan of
Simon's camera work?

His dick takes up
the whole frame.

But then, like, my face is still
in the little box in the corner.

I feel like I'm on local news

reporting live from my
boyfriend's veiny boner.

I think it's so inspiring

that you choose to remain
in a relationship with a man

whose penis absolutely
disgusts you.

I think it's amazing

how you maintain such a healthy
sex life with your girlfriend

who's still in high school.

Uh...

Uh, hey, Luther.

You going home for
Thanksgiving break?

Nah. My mom's a bitch.

- Oh, for sure, for sure.
- Mm-hmm.

So you guys going to that
thing at Tyler's later?

Tyler's, like your
roommate, Tyler?

All the freshmen that are
going to that off-campus party,

gonna drink in his room.

Yeah. Uh, drinks in
the room where I live.

Uh, yeah. I feel like
we'll probably hit that up.

People are gonna
get fucked up, dude.

Fucked up.

Fucked up.

So we're huge losers, right?

We're not losers.

Ben, we weren't invited
to a party in your room.

Yeah, but now we are.

Doesn't it bother you that
we, like, never go out?

Sure, but you're
the one that said

there's no point in us going out

because we can't
hook up with anyone.

Well, that's true.
I stand by that.

I mean, we knew it
would be like this

when we decided to stay
with Simon and Claire.

But we made that call because...

we're... in love.

- I guess.
- Yeah.

Another incredible outfit
from our titan in tweed.

You have to stop posting his
outfits. He's gonna notice.

Everything I post is flattering.

He's a fashion icon, and I am simply a fan.

Doesn't she know you have class?

Yeah, just... Just go. Will
you take notes for me, please?

Hey, babe.

Babe, I'm freaking out.

What happened? Are you okay?

Mr. Gresh just asked me to
sing the national anthem

at the football game
Wednesday night.

That sounds like
a good thing, no?

I mean, that's in six days.
I have no time to prepare.

I haven't even
learned the song yet.

The national anthem?

Plus, it's the night
before Thanksgiving,

which means the entire town

and tons of alumni
are gonna be there.

And some industry, maybe.

Okay. Well, I mean, at least
that means I'll be there, too.

You're right. I can't
wait to see you.

I've been getting so horny
thinking about you coming back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, me, too.

- And just thought of you coming into my house...
- Mm-hmm.

And fucking me so
hard against the wall.

Yeah, that sounds fun. We
should do that for sure.

I'm actually so annoyed Mr. Gresh
won't even consider another song.

- Mm-hmm. Totally.
- Like, the lyrics - are so irrelevant.

Um, but, babe, I
kind of have to go.

What the
fuck is a rampart?

I mean, I just feel like The
Star-Spangled Banner has been done before.

- Seriously?
- People will be expecting it.

- Shit, Claire, - I really have to go.
- Fine! Then text me!

Okay, I'll call you
back. All right. Bye.

You missed the whole
class, motherfucker.

Did he say anything
about midterms?

I wasn't listening. Obviously.

Oh, God. I think I'm gonna skip my
psych discussion and take a nap.

Learning about King Arthur
makes me very tired.

Okay, Ben, what...
what is happening here?

She's spiraling, I'm
stressed about midterms,

and my art professor
keeps pressuring me

for an answer about
the Copenhagen thing.

Wait. What?

The semester abroad. They
loved my portfolio. I got in.

Okay, but would you even be
considering fleeing to Europe

if it wasn't for Claire?

She's suffocating you.

Okay, okay, okay. Give me that.

- Give me that.
- Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

You don't need Copenhagen.
You need boundaries.

You can have this back later.

- And you're welcome.
- Okay.

- But real quick, I really just feel like...
- Just one afternoon, Ben.

Be free.

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ Yeah, lazy, fat ♪

♪ When I was growing up
I had a lot of dreams ♪

♪ My momma told me "Son
you could be anything" ♪

♪ Long as You
spread your wings ♪

♪ I know one day
You'll be great ♪

♪ Just wait Soon you'll
aim up at the sky ♪

♪ And I'll watch
you Float away ♪

♪ But now that I am older
I'll admit that I am over ♪

♪ All the stress and
shit That comes ♪

♪ From holding life
up On your shoulders ♪

♪ It's a chore I'm
sick of being bored ♪

♪ I'm sick of always stressin'
Over shit I could ignore ♪

♪ I guess it's just
My own immaturity... ♪

Hmm. Lucky number 49.

Yeah, that's the one
he's gonna pick up.

Did he do a smiley
face at the end?

No, he did that weird winky face

that's like you don't really
know exactly what he's saying.

Oh, hey, lady. This
is my friend, Erin.

- She lives on the floor above us.
- Hi.

Er, this is my roommate, Jamie.

I've heard so much about you.

Kelly says you're so funny.

Really?

I feel like I haven't said a single
funny thing since I came to college,

but that's probably
'cause I'm wildly unhappy.

See? I told you.

Oh, my gosh, you're unreal.

Tyler?

Yo, roomie!

I was just wondering,

did you by any chance, move
all my shit into the hallway?

Yo, check this out.

I got us a fucking
projector, fam.

- Boom.
- Oh!

How about that?
Pretty sick, huh?

It's super sick.

To infinity and I'm horny!

You know, like...
You know that guy?

Oh, Jamie.

Are you doing a movie
night with Simon tonight?

Mm, she and her boyfriend do these
super cute long distance dates

where they watch the same
thing at the same time.

- That is so cute.
- I know.

Yeah, well, I mean, we're not doing
one tonight 'cause I'm going out.

You guys going to
that off-campus party?

Yeah, we're... We're pre-gaming
with some Kappa girls,

if you want to come with us.

Are you rushing next semester?

I don't... I don't know.

I don't know about that.

Well, we both want to go Kappa

because they throw
a dance marathon.

Oh, it's this big party that
they throw at the end of the year

to raise money for St. Jude.

You dance and all the
girls plan it together.

How fun would it be
if we all joined?

Because then it'd be,
like, the three of us.

Oh, yeah.

Hmm.

Uh, by the way,

you can thank me later because
I am going on a booze run.

Oh, you're... you're
taking my car keys?

Well, yeah.

It is clutch having a
roommate with a car.

Unless you want
to get the booze.

Wait. Do you have
a fake, by the way?

I... I do. But I don't
know if it's the best.

Dude, let me see this fake.

Oh, my God! All right.
Come a little closer.

Smile.

Little bit more.

Little less.

Okay, I'll go out
with you.

Uh, it's not bad,
but it's not good.

Who's, uh, Nick D'Agostino?

Uh, he's this guy that was a couple
years older than me at my high school,

who sort of he died...

in a car accident.

Dude, why do you have this?

I found it in the gym
locker before I graduated.

That's really fucked up, Ben.

Campus security.

- Oh, my God...
- Take this. I got this.

I went to summer camp. Come on.

- Sir?
- Ben Okada.

- Who's that?
- I'm he.

Well, your parents contacted the
school to do a wellness check.

Your girlfriend said
you were missing?

You have a girlfriend?

Oh, shit. Is it that blonde
girl that lives on the floor?

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Dude.

- No, no, no, no. That's my friend Jamie.
- Okay.

My girlfriend's
still in high school.

No, no, no, no, no,
no. She's 18, though.

She just had to
repeat first grade.

Ah. So you stayed with
your hometown girlfriend.

Yeah.

Every year, man.

You always gotta
learn the hard way.

And this stuff out
here... fire hazard.

I promise you I will take
care of this by dusk.

By dusk?

Or dawn. Whatever you need.

That's a check on Okada.

She called
your fucking parents?

I... I knew I shouldn't
have let you take my phone.

Well, yeah, and you
also shouldn't have

let your roommate
borrow your car

and move your bed
into the hallway.

Stand up for yourself.

Whenever I try and do that,

Claire says I'm
being toxic, so...

Whoa!

Oof.

- Can you wash this for me?
- Yeah.

And, you know, I still don't
get your problem with Kelly.

At least I try with my roommate.

Well, she's apparently
going around

telling people that I'm funny,

which who even knows
what she means by that.

She means you're funny.

And then she was
trying to brainwash me

into how amazing sororities are.

Maybe she's telling
you about sororities

because she wants you to join.

Okay, so I join a sorority?
How would that even go?

Meet a bunch of girls who
become my best friends,

and eventually one of
them is my maid of honor

and our families start
vacationing together,

and her kids call me Aunt Jamie,

even though we're not related?

Why are you saying good things
like they're bad things?

It sounds like you want to join.

Because it's obviously
some sort of trap,

and I'm sorry, but no!

What if I rush and
they don't like me?

- What if I don't even get in?
- Okay.

I've, uh... I've tried
not to bring it up, but...

Do you think any of
this is in your head

because of the whole
home wrecker thing?

What? No.

That was so long ago.

I'm just saying,

maybe you're weird about Kelly

because Megan and the girls in our
grade were pretty brutal to you.

This has nothing,
nothing to do with that.

Hey, we were young.
Whatever happened then...

What do you mean,
"what happened"?

You know nothing happened.

Do I? You never talk about it.

Fine.

But the important thing to know

is that Megan Mendelson
and I were best friends,

and I would never do anything
to hurt her or her family.

It was the summer
before seventh grade,

and we did everything together.

Then came Megan's
twelfth birthday,

the event of the season.

Everyone cool in
our grade was there.

Wait. I wasn't there.

Yeah, I know.

So there I was, side
by side with Megan,

hula-hooping,

and it was a joint effort
to get the attention

of the hottest boy in our grade,

Dante Saprito.

Dante's been hot forever.

And that's
when it happened.

I got stung
by a fucking bee.

As you know, I'm
highly allergic.

I ran inside to find
Megan's parents.

I panicked.

It was a medical emergency,
and I did what I had to do.

I took my shirt off
in front of her dad.

No. Mm-mm.

Then from there, the situation
was taken completely out of context.

The unfortunate coincidence

that Megan's parents
chose that fucking weekend

to tell her they were
getting a divorce

made people draw the
absurd conclusion

that seeing my
undeveloped naked torso

caused Mr. Mendelson to
end his 19-year marriage.

And from then on,
I was home wrecker.

Megan turned every girl
in our grade against me,

despite the fact that I was
having a medical emergency

and her dad is a fucking doctor!

Technically, Mr. Mendelson
is actually a chiropractor.

- Sorry. Sorry.
- Dude.

Not helpful. Fuck Megan.

It's fine.

It taught me the
valuable lesson in life

that most people are
secretly terrible.

All right, but...

Mm, but... tonight

I will try to have fun.

- Ah! There she is.
- All right.

Let's go make some
fucking memories.

Okay.

All right.
We're dancing.

Where are we starting tonight?

I think it's in the shoulders.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Ooh. I think it's
moving down to the hips.

- Yeah? Hips? Okay.
- Yeah.

Just the eyes! Eyes only.

Yo!

Let's fucking rock!

Oh, shit. Palmer's calling.

Hey!

- Hi, how are you?
- Bonjour.

Oh, both of you.

Why are you awake?

Looks like a gorgeous
morning in Paris.

It is a gorgeous
morning in Paris,

and I'm awake because I have
the opening shift at my job,

where I contribute to
society, as a worker.

Ugh, yes. Society needed
you to take a gap year

and work at Euro Disney, Palm.

I've told you a million times,

the bistro I work at is
outside the park's entrance.

As in, it's not Euro Disney.

It's a separate business entity.

Hey, Palm.

- We're drunk.
- Yeah, and we're going to a party.

Oh, my God, a party?

You guys are crazy.

Speaking of parties,
I am planning to host

a petite soiree the Wednesday
before Thanksgiving.

- Oh, you're coming back?
- Yeah.

Didn't you say your parents were doing
Thanksgiving on, like, a cruise or something?

Yes. Martha and
David are boarding

Her Majesty The Atlantic
Princess as we speak.

But I declined.

I mean, ultimately, why
does someone move to France?

To return from France and prove to
everyone we went to high school with

that I am now better than them.

Also that I'm no longer vaguely
pretending to be straight.

- Oh! That's great, Palm.
- Let's go!

Yes!

Yeah. So for my
grand coming out,

I will be hosting a curated
gathering of former classmates

before everyone blacks
out at Kurt's lake house.

- Brilliant!
- Oh, we love it. We love it.

- We'll be there.
- Yeah!

Oh, shit.

My boss is mad.

Bonjour, Claude!

I gotta go.

Bonsoir, Palm.

Okay. You
ready for this?

Let's see what
we've been missing.

Whoo!
Let's get fucked up!

Slap the bag!

- You gonna go over there?
- Yes.

Don't rush me.

- College starts tonight.
- College starts tonight.

Hey, don't leave this
party without me.

Ben, dude!

Yo, let's get this
guy some Forty Hands!

Ho-ho.
My roommate's not a bitch.

- He came out to the party.
- Oh, thank you.

- We gonna...
- Uh, when do we get them off?

Uh, when you
fucking finish, bro.

Okay.

- You guys are all...
- No idea what's in there.

- Super cute, okay.
- Love that.

- Good.
- So yeah.

So I'm on the
philanthropy board.

Um, Kelly told you
about dance marathon?

Yes, I... I love being tired.

It's like basically
my whole personality.

- Love you.
- That's hilarious.

Kelly was right.
You're so funny.

- By the way, Dylan's here. Dylan's here.
- Oh, my God.

Kelly, this is the guy that
I wanted to set you up with.

- He's gonna be so obsessed with you.
- Wait, really? Okay.

So, you wanna meet
any cute guys here?

I know... I know some guys.

Oh, no, I'm still with
my boyfriend back home.

I stayed with my high school
boyfriend at college as well.

Aw, really? Are you
guys still together?

Oh, no.

He immediately cheated on me,
like, the first week of school,

so I registered him
as a sex offender.

Mm-hmm.

I got my dick sucked
on a ski lift.

That... that sounds freezing.

Dude, it was awesome.

- Hey.
- Oh!

- Okay.
- Ty...

- Hi.
- Hi. Hi.

I love your curls.

Oh, thank you. I
like your curls.

Ooh.

Uh... I'm Ben.

I... have a girlfriend.
She lives in Ohio.

I don't believe you.

I... I do. I really...

Tyler, Tyler!

Don't I have a girlfriend
who lives in Ohio?

No.

Phew!

Besides all, like,
the legal fallout,

him cheating on me was
literally the best thing

that could have
ever happened to me.

Because the day after,
I saw these Kappa girls,

and they were like, "Join!"
and I was like, "Yes!"

because before that, I
literally had zero friends.

Could you imagine?

- That would be hard.
- I am so happy.

Seriously, I don't even
think about Brandon anymore.

Legally, I cannot
talk about him.

Oh.

Brandon isn't even
his real name.

It's Jordan McFeery.

- Oh, I see.
- Hey, Hannah, you ready?

Oh, my God. Yes, girl!

- Bye, Annie.
- Yup. Ann... Nope. Okay.

♪ These girls just
come And let me down ♪

♪ I guess that's
how I'll do it now ♪

♪ Pain! ♪

♪ She don't think
I got the time ♪

♪ Now I'm wondering
If she's mine ♪

♪ Pain! ♪

♪ I'd just hate for
somebody To need me ♪

♪ I need you now ♪

♪ Can't you just love
me Or leave me? ♪

♪ I figured out... ♪

Uh, so, look. I can't...

I, uh... I... I
can't do anything.

I love my girlfriend.

Loyal guys are so insanely sexy.

Do we know if this window opens?

"Repeat sounds good."

What the hell?

Why is it locked?

Maybe my roommate?

Oh. Oh, I have my key.

Shit.

That's so hot.

You're so hot.

I love your goatee.

Sit on my face
and you can ride it.

Oh, my God.

Luther.

So, how long have
you been together?

Well, I say two years
and nine months,

but she says two
years and eight months

because, uh, she made
out with Mike Berks

before we were
actually official.

Okay, um...

Um...

Look, I'm so sorry,

and your dance moves
are very appealing,

but I made a commitment
to my girlfriend,

and I need to honor that.

She is really lucky.

Fuck, my clothes.

Shit.

Goddamn it, Luther.

On your back,

with your stupid penis out.

Fuck it.

Okay. Let's just roll you over.

Yeah. I don't wanna
touch you either, Luther,

but I can't let you
choke on your own barf.

Oops.

- Tyler. Tyler, Tyler.
- Yep.

- Can you grab my phone?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Whoa! Wrong phone.

Unless? Yeah, you wish.

All right. Let's see. Uh... Oh!

Okay. Some girl Claire sent
you a bunch of messages.

She does not sound happy.

Oh, fuck. Can you
just take these off?

Uncle Ken is coming
home for Thanksgiving,

and he's staying in your room.

I think it's from your dad.

I'm gonna give that a
thumbs down. Sorry, Papi.

And, um... Ooh. Oh, my God.

"Help me. I'm
upstairs, please. SOS."

Who's that from?

Jamie!

Jamie!

Aah. Jamie...

- Hi. Whoa. Hi.
- Don't be weird.

- You've seen me in a bikini before.
- Holy shit!

Luther's dead.

Yeah, I tried to help
him, and he peed on me.

- What?
- Just give me your shirt. God.

I thought he was gonna choke.

And then he peed.

It hit my chin and I
don't have my clothes.

Yeah. Wait. Where
are your clothes?

I was trying to
send Simon a nude,

and now they're trapped in that
other room getting fucked on.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Untape me.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, shit.

- Oh, my God.
- Ah, right there.

Oh, God!

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

What the hell?

These virgin freaks snuck
in to watch me fuck.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay. Just let me explain.

Your finger went
in my mouth, bro.

Dude, it was an accident.

Get the hell out!

You said you loved your
girlfriend in Ohio!

Nice nips, bro.

What a disaster.

It wasn't even like
a walk of shame.

It was like a shameful walk.

I can't believe I got peed on because
I was trying to text my boyfriend.

I can't believe that
girl threw a drink on us

because I wouldn't
cheat on my girlfriend.

Are these relationships
ruining our lives?

You know, I kept telling
that girl tonight

how much I loved Claire.

And honestly, I don't know
if that's true anymore.

I mean, do I...
do I love Simon?

I... I basically only text
him when I'm uncomfortable

or looking for a distraction.

Do you feel done?

I don't know.

How do you feel?

I feel fear.

I'm scared of Claire.

I'm scared of
breaking up with her.

I'm scared of change.

I'm scared of things
staying the same.

Okay, Bob Dylan. Pop off.

What if I go to
Denmark for four months

and just pretend I
don't have service?

Ben.

Not having my phone today

was the happiest I've been

all of college.

I think we need to do this.

I think we need to
break up with them.

Yeah, I know.

- It'll... it'll suck, but we'll do it together.
- Mm-hmm.

And then we'll have the
rest of college to have fun

- and try things and have sex.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh... with other people.

- Strangers. Different...
- Oh. Yeah, yeah.

- Different strangers that we meet.
- I get it.

- I get it. I get it. I get it.
- Then maybe have sex with them.

Aw.

Night, Luther.

Drink some water, bud.

Not too much water.

We need to do these
breakups right,

because we're good people,

and that means face to face.

No texts, no phone calls.

In person, over
Thanksgiving break.

Simon goes back to
school on Friday

because he has a
game that weekend.

Claire goes to her
dad's on Friday

and Thursday's Thanksgiving.

So it's Wednesday.

Thanksgiving Eve.

The day love dies.

Okay.

So we find alone time with them,

early afternoon, before
everyone goes out.

Mm. Here's your
problem with that.

If left alone in
a private place,

Claire and I will
end up having sex.

Okay, so don't
have sex with her.

Mm-mm. It's not that simple.

Like most people with an
undiagnosed personality disorder,

Claire is incredible at fucking.

What's that even mean?

I mean, don't we all, like, have
the same basic set of moves?

It goes in, it goes out.
I don't... I don't get it.

It's... it's Claire. I
can't explain it to you.

Okay, so, when we get
home on Wednesday,

I'll go to Simon's house and you
ask Claire to go on a public walk.

Right.

And we need to practice what
we're gonna say beforehand.

These days, there's a lot of
fallout from a breakup gone badly.

They know things about us.

"They know things"? What do
they know that could hurt us?

Are you kidding?

There's no way Claire doesn't
have a full dossier on you.

I really don't think...

- Oh. Actually...
- Mm.

Mm-hmm. See? I knew it. What?

Well, you remember how Claire
played Sandy in the fall musical?

Yes, but now I'm nervous.

She may or may not have had
us do some long distance...

Grease roleplay

that culminated in me sending
a pretty explicit video.

Ben, a video of what?

Technically, one could
say I was masturbating

in character as Danny Zuko.

Absolutely unacceptable.

- Yeah, we cannot do these breakups over text.
- Okay.

So our midterm
gets out at 11:00.

We'll sprint to the car.

That gets us back
to Ohio by 5:00,

which gives us two hours
before the football game

to thoughtfully,
respectfully, lovingly,

end our first relationships.

You're right. It's
the perfect plan.

Danny Zuko.

Oh, my God, that
was fucking hard.

He's the worst fictional
character of all time.

Fictional? Jamie, King
Arthur was a real dude.

What? Wow. I did
not do well at all.

All right. It's 11:08.

This is good. We're
making good time.

Uh, where's your car?

This is where I parked.

Could you be
remembering wrong or...

Uh, one sec.

- Benny!
- Hey, Tyler.

Yeah.

Uh, hey, I was just wondering

if maybe you
borrowed my car again

- and parked it somewhere other than structure B.
- Oh, yeah, bro.

I thought I told you. I took it this
morning. I'm actually going back...

- What's he saying?
- to see the fam - for Turkey Day.

- Gobble gobble, baby.
- You have it now?

- He has it now?
- To visit your family?

Just passing
through Denver.

You're
already in Colorado?

Oh, yeah, dude.
Smoking a lot of weed.

- You should get chains for these tires.
- Colorado?

You're absolutely right.

- I should get chains - for my tires.
- Hey, I'm always right.

Absolutely. Happy
Thanksgiving, bud.

- Gobble gobble, my boy.
- Okay. Bye.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I need to set more
boundaries. I'm aware.

You realize this ruins the plan?

We're gonna end up doing
Thanksgiving in the dining hall with Luther,

- and be stuck in these relationships till we die.
- Okay. Okay.

Well, there's a bus that leaves in 45
minutes that gets into Ohio at 9:00.

9:00? The foot... The
football game's gonna be over.

Everyone will be out by then.

Do you have a better idea?

Oh. Well, I guess we
can't sit together.

No way.

We need to rehearse
these breakups.

Watch and learn, Benjamin.

Excuse me. Oh. Hi.

Hey. Um, would you mind
moving to the seat over here

so the two of us
can sit together?

You know, actually, I'd rather
stay where I am. Thank you.

Oh.

Well, um, excuse me.

- Hello again. Hi. Yes, um...
- Yeah?

Well, actually, my, um...

my fiance has
motion-induced epilepsy,

and as his designated caretaker,

I need to sit next to him.

Pfft.

Sounds real tough.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Why would you make that up?

It's called advocating
for yourself.

♪ Staring at the blank page ♪

♪ Before you open up
The dirty window ♪

♪ Let the sun
Illuminate the words ♪

♪ That you could not find ♪

♪ Reaching for something
In the distance ♪

♪ So close You can
almost taste it ♪

♪ Release your inhibitions ♪

♪ Feel
the rain on your skin ♪

♪ No one else Can
live in Paris ♪

♪ 'Cause Ohio's fucking lame ♪

♪ No one else ♪

♪ No one else can wear This
shirt with these pants ♪

- ♪ Drench yourself In words
unspoken ♪ - ♪ With words unspoken ♪

♪ Live your life
With arms wide open ♪

♪ Today is where Your
fucking book begins ♪

- ♪ The rest Is still unwritten
♪ - ♪ Still unwritten ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Hi. Okay. Tell me everything.
How did the breakup go?

How did Claire take
it? Did she cry?

Well, we hit a bit of a snag.

We had to take the bus, so
we're actually gonna be late.

What? You guys are still
coming though, right?

You're technically the
only two who confirmed.

Yep, we're coming.
But we need your help.

We missed our window,
and now Simon and Claire

are both going to
the football game.

Football game? Like,
at our high school?

To what end?

Because people like football

and Claire is singing
the national anthem.

Claire's singing
the national anthem.

Wow.

I guess the talent pool at
Cranford High is really starved.

Uh, me leaving created
sort of a power vacuum

- that I guess most people expected...
- Pal... Palmer. Focus.

We're supposed to be breaking
up with them tonight.

Uh-huh. But after the game, everyone's
either going to Duffy's or Kurt's,

and there's gonna be no place
to have a serious conversation.

So, we told Simon and Claire
to meet us at your house.

Drama at the petite soiree?

We need you
to go to the game,

make sure they leave with you.

Yeah. Otherwise, Simon's dumb friends
are gonna drag him to the party.

And we'll meet you at your
house as soon as we get in.

Okay, just to be clear,

you're asking me,

who a mere 24 hours ago was
strolling the Champs-Elysees,

talking to French people,
"Oui, oui, monsieur,"

and, in many ways,
was French myself,

to attend a football
game at Cranford High,

my former emotional prison?

I'm sorry, but yes.

Yes, we are.

Okay, fine. But only because
I'm extremely excited

to see Claire flop in
front of the entire town.

I mean, the
national anthem. Whew!

You know she stepped on

literally every single one of
my lines in Pippin last year.

You guys, I was Pippin.

Who was Claire? Not Pippin.

Yes, we have heard.

Thank you, Palmer. Thank you.

Now I need to reimagine my
look for a football game.

I have to go. Bye.

- Okay.
- All right.

Simon. Hey.

Palmer. What's up, dude?

Hey, good to see you.

- Good to see you.
- Oh.

How's France?

Oh, I've been meaning
to ask you, actually.

I go to Harvard with this
French guy named Jean-Luc.

He's fucking hilarious.
Any chance you've met him?

Um, sorry. Do you
know where he lives?

France.

That's where you live, right?

You know what, Simon?

I'm so glad that Harvard
hasn't changed you.

Thanks, man.

So, Jamie told you about the thing
with Ben and Claire after this?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Mr. Ivy League.

- What's up, Coach?
- How's Cambridge treating you?

You know, not too bad.

Just hoping if I
play well this year,

I can get another look from
Ohio State. Maybe transfer.

- My God.
- I recognize you.

Weren't you on my ninth
grade practice squad

claiming to be
allergic to grass?

Palmer. Hi.

Yes, I quit after the first day.

So good to see you.

All right. I'll see you boys
later. Happy Thanksgiving.

All right, Coach.
Good luck out there.

Happy Thanksgiving.

- Bye, Palmer.
- All right.

Let's go, team.

The planet is on fire.

The permafrost is almost gone.

We have ten years left
of life as we know it.

Unless we take
decisive action now,

which I think we both know...

Okay. Can I... uh,
can I stop you?

Sure. Yeah. You have a note?

Yeah. I have a note.

Um, why are you beginning
your breakup speech

like you're a climate activist?

I'm just trying to
contextualize it.

You're breaking up with Claire

so you can fuck
randos in college.

I don't think bringing up the permafrost
is gonna make her feel better.

Yeah, you're right.

She's gonna kill...
She's gonna kill me.

- She's gonna kill me.
- Don't panic.

This is why we're workshopping.

Here, let me do
mine.

Simon...

you know how much I wanted this to work.

It's neither of our faults.

And we both tried our best.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. Can I help you?

I couldn't help but overhear.

Sounds like you two
are breaking up?

We're not breaking
up with each other.

We're breaking up
with other people.

Jamie, stand down.

Interesting, 'cause I
thought you were engaged.

It's called having an affair.

Having an affair?
What are you, 16?

No, we're in college, dumbass.

I know you're in college.

I'm sitting two
fucking feet from you.

What do you think, these
are soundproof seats?

It's a Greyhound bus.

I got to sit here
with this lady, who,

no offense,

but you are kind of cutting onto
my fucking leg room over here.

And I gotta listen to you
drone on about your breakups.

"Oh, baby, I really
want you in my life,

but not as bad as I want to
get fingered at a frat party."

And now, you pick the
most cliched weekend

in the history of
breaking up with people

to drop the bomb on this loser?

Also, I know you
don't have epilepsy.

I'm sorry that we
took your seat, sir.

Suck my dick, dude.

Hmm.

♪ O say, can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

♪ What so proudly we hail'd ♪

♪ At the twilight ♪

♪ I said The twilight's
last gleaming? ♪

Claire.

Oh, my God.

- You sounded amazing.
- Palmer.

- Are you kidding?
- Stop!

I was so rusty.

I've been on crazy
vocal rest since Grease.

- Grease. Right.
- Yeah.

I was so happy they picked something
in your vocal range this year.

Simon, over here.

- One sec, guys. Yeah.
- All right.

So I was thinking we
could all ride together

back to my place to meet
up with Ben and Jamie.

Have you heard from
Ben? My phone's dead.

He says they're almost
at the bus station.

Yo, are you guys going
to Duffy's before Kurt's?

- Yeah. For sure.
- Yeah.

Oh. You guys are doing
a sidebar.

Locking me out of the
conversation. Let me in, let me in.

Should we just meet them at
Palmer's and go out from there?

Yeah, I mean, that makes sense,
right? My phone's dead. So...

Just gonna fight my way back
into the conversation here.

Hi. Uh, it's gonna
be really fun.

There's gonna be appetizers,

world-class cocktails,
spirited debate, me.

You know. So...

- There are my weary travelers.
- Hi, Mom.

Rhonda, this is my son and
his best friend, Jamie.

- Hi.
- Hi, Rhonda.

Rhonda's brother
was on your bus.

He just had surgery
on his brain.

- Shit.
- You guys, come here.

- Give me a hug. Oh!
- Hi, Diane.

I am so ticked off the
car pooped out on you.

I'm sending you back to school
with a Triple-A card. Period.

Right? Right, Norman? Yes.

- Hi, Mr. Okada.
- Hi, Dad.

- How are you?
- It's good to see you.

- How's it going?
- Good, good.

- Let me get that.
- Oh, thank you.

Look at you!

I can't even believe
it.

Oh, Benny. Did you
get the passport?

I FedExed it, and I was worried

that it was gonna,
like, get stolen.

Have you heard about
these porch pirates?

- No, this is real.
- I know. I got it. I got it.

But I haven't had the
chance to tell Jamie

that I'm definitely going yet.

I'm a little worried that she's
gonna feel like I'm abandoning her.

- So if you could just not mention Copenhagen.
- Okay.

- Okay. It's a secret.
- Yeah.

Safe with me. Let's go.

Oh! I am so excited.

- Yeah.
- You guys ready?

Yeah.

All right.

Oh. Diane, are you sure
you don't want to...

You don't want to sit up front?

Are you kidding? I haven't
seen you guys in months.

I'm in the back with you.

Mama in the middle.

Diane sandwich.

Hello.

Some hors d'oeuvres
for mes amis,

which means "my
friends" in French.

Just get this open.

When you go to a really nice
restaurant, they do it for you.

Jeepies.

Whoo!

So, Champagne is actually
a region in France,

and if the grapes aren't
actually picked there,

it's not really champagne.

Dope.

Something that you learn
when you live in France.

So, can we, like,

drink it now?

First, a little bit
of the green stuff.

The green
stuff's just absinthe.

This drink is called
Death in the Afternoon.

It was supposedly
Hemingway's favorite drink.

And he was an alcoholic.

So he knew how to drink.

He, um, he drank quite a bit.

Probably a pretty
tough guy to be around.

'Cause of the alcoholism.

And then, ultimately,
he killed himself.

Here we go. That's for you.

So, to...

Okay.

Don't have to cheers.

Well, I'm gonna
just run upstairs

and do a quick costume change

before the rest of
my guests arrive.

Cool, man.

And my house is your house.

All right.

- This actually isn't bad. Here you go.
- Yeah.

Okay. So
tell me everything.

How's class? How are the
dorms? How is the famous Tyler?

Oh, yeah. How's
the famous Tyler?

He's good. Everything is good.

Oh! I am just so glad
to have you guys back.

This is so much fun.

It's like we're in an Uber.

Oh. Five stars, Norman.

Thank you.

Oh, that reminds me. We were
in an Uber the other day.

The driver was so interesting.

He is in the middle
of writing a novel

about a guy who lives
in a lighthouse,

but he's really a centaur,

so he can't get down the stairs.

But that doesn't make sense.

How'd he get up there
in the first place?

Oh. Uh, sorry. Uh, Mr. Okada.
Do you mind turning up here?

We're actually
going to Palmer's.

What? You're not gonna come back
and have something to eat first?

I made meaty macaroni.

That is so nice of you, Diane,

but we told Palmer
we'd go straight there.

It's, um, it's kind of an
important night for him.

- What?
- What's so important?

Um, well, Dad, uh,

Palmer has decided that he's
ready to share some information

about his personal life
and his identity, and...

Oh. That he's a gay guy.

Uh...

Yes. Technically, yes.

Well, that's
not exactly news.

When you were kids,

he went as Princess Di
six Halloweens in a row.

I loved it when he would wear
the oversized sweatshirts

with the little...
little bike shorts.

Well, for the record,

a boy dressing as a princess
doesn't make him gay.

Ben, we know that, okay?
Those are "gender norms."

We are very familiar
with those.

But he is gay?

Isn't he gay?

The point is that we're
going to support him,

and we can talk about gender norms
tomorrow at Thanksgiving dinner

with Baba and Uncle
Ken. It should be...

very productive.

Princess Di, she was having
an affair with a bodyguard.

Well, Prince Charles
was a real jerk.

He treated her horribly.

Not enough.

And I don't have the
privilege of minimalism.

That is for thin people.

That's it. Okay.

I'm gay.

I'm here. I'm queer.

And I've got new clothes.

Hey, Sydney, remember when you
called me gay in sixth grade?

Well, you were right.

But you were also a huge bitch.

I'm a homosexual.

Does anyone have a
problem with that?

Wait, wait. Wait for this part.

♪ ...were so gallantly... ♪

No, I know.
It was so good.

I was there for it.

♪ And
the rocket's red glare ♪

Love me. No.

Fear me. No.

Hold me. No.

I may need to eat something.

That French gin
is low-key strong.

Don't panic. This
is what we're going to do.

Let's leave this
place and find...

food.

Yes. Okay.

Who are you? Are you boot gay?

Are you shoe gay?

♪ Ayy, uh ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm 21 But
I still walk around ♪

- ♪ With fake ID ♪
- ♪ What? ♪

♪ Cuddle with the homies ♪

- ♪ Watching Stand By Me ♪
- ♪ Cute ♪

♪ This dick ain't free ♪

- ♪ Baby, pay my fee ♪
- ♪ Bread ♪

♪ Let me live my life... ♪

We're trapped!

I'm going over.

♪ C'est la vie ♪

♪ Woo-woo, c'est la vie... ♪

♪ Need a fine VP
Like Biden... ♪

Guys?

Everything okay down there?

- Okay. I got you. Come.
- Okay. Okay.

Guys?

Ew.

The whole bottle?

Fuck me.

Simon!

Claire!

Fucking drunk teens.

Fucking suburbs.
No urban planning.

Fucking built for cars.

Can't even... What?

God.

♪ Let me live my life
Baby, c'est la vie... ♪

♪ C'est la vie ♪

♪ Woo-woo, c'est la vie ♪

- Get out of the road!
- Ugh, rude!

My phone!

I got it. I got it.

I have a green
light! Get out of the road!

Holy fuck. The
ground is a ladder.

Look, I'm climbing
a ground ladder.

You ready for this?

"The sweetness of
love is short-lived,

but the pain endures."

What the fuck is that?

- What?
- Huh?

It's King... It's King Arthur.

It's the whole essay
section on our test.

Oh, God. I really
gotta drop that class.

You can't just honk at me.

- Get out of the road.
- Fuck me.

Don't run them over. They still
need to be broken up with.

I'm finishing a text.

- Be patient!
- Yo!

Claire! Simon!

Get out of the street!

Uh, sorry, everybody.

They're with me.

Sorry, sir.

- Your horn cracked my phone.
- Oh, my God. Coach Reese.

I'm sorry to you. Um...

We were just grabbing
a bite to eat,

and I actually can
take it from here.

- So...
- I'm a pedestrian.

Just for fun, how about I help?

Palmer?

And the door was unlocked.
Simon's phone is dead.

Palmer's not answering.

- What the fuck happened?
- Ooh.

Claire just texted. Apparently,
they went to Duffy's?

Are you serious? Let me see.

Huh. Is she always
this short with you?

Well, she must be pissed.

What, you think
Palmer said something?

No. No. He wouldn't
have, right?

I don't...

Whatever. Let's
just get over there.

Perfect.

Franklin will be
here in 77 minutes.

Thank God we live in a town
with exactly one Uber driver.

Mm.

Jamie, communication!
Where are you going?

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

No. We should
turn back there.

- It's faster to take Oak.
- Jamie, stop trying to steer.

Turn around.

- Accept your lack of control.
- Ugh!

♪ Bo Diddley buy
babe A diamond ring ♪

♪ If that diamond
ring Don't shine... ♪

Thanks again for all your help.

Some people really can't
handle their absinthe.

Once we get this food in them,
they'll sleep it right off.

Grilled cheeses and fries to go.

Oh. Thanks, Lukas.

Lukas, this is Palmer.
Palmer, this is Lukas.

Hey, Palmer.

Hi, Lukas.

You coming out after your shift?

Mm. I wish. Everyone
took off tonight.

So, I get to close.

Don't have too much
fun without me.

Hmm.

So, what side of Main
Street are you on?

You know, they closed the north
side because of the turkey trot...

♪ Mojo come to my house
A black cat bone ♪

♪ Take my baby away from home ♪

♪ Mother ask Mojo
"Where you been"? ♪

Palmer.

What's your address?

Uh, 242 Duncan. Sorry.

242 Duncan. Let's
roll, man. Come on.

♪ I'm feelin'
Pretty blue, man ♪

♪ I'm feeling pretty beat up ♪

♪ New chick I've
been talkin' to ♪

♪ Don't wanna meet up ♪

♪ Double D cups, I'm ready
To feel my N-U-T's bust ♪

♪ But she's sus ♪

Do you think Palmer's parents'
bike is gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'm sure it's fine.

We have bigger
problems right now.

We're about to run into
everyone we've ever fucking met.

Yeah, I... I keep making eye
contact with Samantha Kosar, I...

I think she still
likes me. I feel bad.

You guys
went to one dance,

and that was before she
had her growth spurt.

She's, like, eight inches
taller than you now.

Ben, don't let yourself
get sidetracked.

You got the ID
you ordered online, right?

No. No, they emailed me

saying it was going to take
another three to eight months.

Then how are you getting in?

Well, I... I have my other one.

Your other one? What?

Next.

Next!

All right, you're good.

Nick D'Agostino?

Uh-huh.

Born February 2nd,
live on Stanley Avenue?

Yep. Yes, sir.

And you died in a
tragic car accident

four years ago.

No, no.

I don't think so.

I was a pallbearer
at your funeral.

Fucking devastated.

Out of all the shit I done seen underage
kids pull to try to get in here,

that's the most fucked
up, unforgivable,

piece-of-shit move
I've ever witnessed.

Both of you get the
fuck outta here.

You know, we're
just trying to...

If I ever see his face again,

I'm gonna make him
swallow his own teeth.

- Okay.
- Lifetime ban.

Out!

As an adult, an educator,

I should be concerned about
the underage drinking.

But I'm concerned that you
don't seem to be doing it right.

I mean, was this fun for
you? Was this party ever fun?

It was part of a bigger vision.

It was supposed to
be a petite soiree.

What's going on with you, man?

You've been strange ever
since we left the diner.

Are you gay?

Yeah...

But you live in rural Ohio.

Wha... why do you live here?

- Where else should I be living?
- I don't know.

LA. New York.

Certain parts of Chicago, even.

Somewhere you're not
forced to live a lie.

My house in LA would cost,
like, four million dollars.

And I'm not living a lie.

What are
you talking about?

You're like a fucking Friday
Night Lights character, dude.

It's crazy. The whole thing.

The whole town thinks
you're straight.

Palmer.

I bring my boyfriend to the
faculty holiday party every year.

It's not some huge secret.

All the guys on the
team, they know.

No, they... Um...

They do?

Okay.

I'm just, like, a little
in shock because, you know,

I just wish I would have known.

Growing up here,

I didn't realize that
somebody like you

could even be

like me.

Come on.

What's happening?

You're coming with me.

I'm wearing two different shoes.

Don't worry.

Where we're going,
you won't need shoes.

- Let's go.
- Oh, cool.

The most unsettling
thing I've ever heard.

Bye, drunk people.

What the fuck, Ben?

You're gonna show up
to a bar in Cranford

with a dead kid's ID?

Our high school named the
fucking music building after him.

We were never supposed
to end up here.

Drink up, dead guy.

Thanks to you, we finally
put in a red light

at that weird off-ramp.

- Cheers!
- Okay, stop. Stop.

I get it. The ID was a mistake.

If I fucked up the plan so bad,
why don't we just call it off?

Okay, slow down.

The plan is not off.

We just need to regroup.

We need to figure out
a way into that bar.

- Oh, this bar?
- Mm-hmm.

The bar where the bouncer
who wants to be my dentist?

No. No, no, no.

I can break up with
Claire this summer.

Or next summer, or...

Just where... Like
an ongoing summer

- after that...
- Ben.

You know as well as I
do you need to end this.

And if you don't do it
tonight, you maybe never will.

- Come on.
- What? What is it? What's that?

What are you doing? Where...
where are you going?

Where are you...

Come on. You've
got to be kidding.

You want to wait in the car?

Suit yourself.

Stop doing that.

♪ Well, I heard the news ♪

♪ There's good
rockin' Tonight ♪

♪ I'm gonna hold my
baby As tight as I can ♪

♪ Tonight she'll know I'm
a mighty, mighty man ♪

♪ Heard it, baby ♪

♪ There's good
rockin' Tonight ♪

♪ Well, meet me in a
hurry Behind the barn ♪

♪ Don't be afraid
I'll do you no harm ♪

♪ Come on down, bring... ♪

Welcome to the Cranford
Queer Bowling League.

Wednesdays at 9:00.

"Where we're going,
you don't need shoes."

Probably a less scary way
to say we're going bowling.

Ethan, meet Palmer.

Nice to meet you. What's
going on down here?

I didn't... It's a long story.

Alec.

Hey.

Hey.

It's Jamie.

Jamie Warren.

We made out freshman year.

Steve Dugan's shed.

I hit my head on a beam.

Oh! Jamie!

Yeah.

- You got way prettier.
- Thanks.

Cool. Um...

Should we all go back inside?

Yeah.

Great.

"Way prettier"?

♪ Get up, get up,
get up Now get down ♪

♪ Get up, get up, get up ♪

♪ Now get down ♪

♪ Get down, get down ♪

How do we find them in here?

Okay, I'm gonna look over there,

you look over there,

and then we'll meet back
here in ten, okay? Got it?

Just remind... Jamie.

Could you just remind me
what I say when I see her?

Jamie, I'm scared
of my girlfriend.

We got this!

I never said I was good at this.

So, Paris.

That's quite the
big move from Ohio.

- Are you loving it?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's Paris,
you know. My God.

Who wouldn't kill
to live in France?

- So, yeah, obviously.
- Wow.

You are completely
miserable, huh?

Go
easy on him, Ethan.

He's just fulfilling
his gay birthright

to live somewhere far more
expensive and fabulous than here.

Okay.

Because it's vastly
superior to stay in a town

where the hardest place to get a
reservation is the Spaghetti Outlet.

No, I mean, I get it. I
had my New York years.

Oh!

You did?

Yeah. I moved there
when I was 17.

You know, I became
a starving model,

I sort of hovered
around the outskirts

of Leighton Meister's entourage.

I had a very chic coke problem.

I did it all.

Ethan, that sounds awesome.

Uh, why would you
come back here?

Well, my mom got sick.

And I ran out of money,

and I sort of realized that I was
spiritually empty and completely lost.

And then, I don't
know, being back here,

it made me realize
I wanted to do

something semi-meaningful
with my life.

So, long story short,

I did EMT training and
became a firefighter.

You stayed in middle of nowhere
Ohio to be a firefighter?

Don't they have
those in New York?

- Well, he stayed because he's obsessed with me.
- Okay.

We matched on an app while I was
taking care of my mom, that's all.

Oh, that's all?

- Yeah.
- That's all?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Okay. All right. I'm
obsessed with him.

I'm obsessed with him.

Okay, if I'm being honest,
Paris is a little lonely.

And working at Euro Disney
is a unique form of hell.

Oh, my God. Euro Disney?

This is so much
worse than I thought.

Listen, I'm going
to tell you this

because somebody needed
to tell it to me,

and in my case, it was
Leighton Meister's dogwalker,

but being a big city socialite

is not the only
appropriate way to be gay.

Yeah, I
mean, Susan over there?

She's a veterinarian.

Her wife, Tess, has an Etsy store of
candles that smell like the beach.

She has an Etsy store of candles
that try to smell like the beach.

You can even be a high
school football coach.

Listen, the bottom line is,

you get to decide how you
want to be happy. Yeah.

Yeah. And the Spaghetti
Outlet is disgusting.

- Thank you.
- But you know what?

We have a Thai place
now.

Your move.

Oh, my God.

Don't make fun.

♪ Reaching for something
In the distance ♪

♪ So close You can
almost taste it ♪

♪ Release your inhibitions... ♪

♪ No one else Can
feel it for you ♪

Claire?

Simon?

Claire?

- Ooh.
- Ben Okada?

- Oh, fuck me.
- Take a picture with me.

Samantha,
hi. How's Notre Dame?

Remember when we fucking
grinded at homecoming?

- Mm.
- I could feel your little boner pressing into my back.

Yeah! That was nice, I think.

Okay, ready? First one: silly.

Serious.

- Now, kiss.
- No, don't...

The one that got away.

♪ Onset, make you Work
up sweat, make ya ♪

♪ Bounce, bounce
Bounce, bounce ♪

♪ Onset, make you Work
up sweat, and a' ♪

♪ Onset, make you Work
up sweat, make ya ♪

♪ Work, work, work, work ♪

Claire?

Oh, shit.

Home wrecker?

Megan Mendelson.

Samantha, I really
need that picture.

This is the guy
from the photobooth.

- He's in love with me.
- Is it in your purse? I need it. I need it.

This guy's, like, literally
robbing her right now.

I just need that picture back.

That's it. We're
getting the bouncer.

Get down,
off the table.

This
guy, he tried to take her purse.

Fuck!

Over there. He
tried to rob us!

So, we dropping
you any place fun?

Yeah, the youths getting
cross-faded in the woods,

or whatever you guys do now?

Uh, I think just home.

The, uh, plan for the
evening's been a bit derailed.

- What... what's the plan?
- I was going to, like,

officially come out to the
Cranford social scene tonight.

Oh.

You haven't done that yet.

Well, my two best friends know,

and with my parents, I
would say it's been...

heavily implied,
sort of repeatedly.

But, yeah,
other than that,

I haven't really
gotten the opportunity

to shout it from the rooftops.

Well, you know,

we might actually be able to do a
little bit better than a rooftop.

What do you mean?

We can?

Yeah. Let's go. Come on.

See, you guys are a
match made in heaven

'cause it's the riddles
and the "follow me."

Let's go, Coach.

Okay. It is so crazy
I'm running into you right now.

Were you just doing coke?

Oh, my God. No. Never.

It's crushed up Adderall.
I have prescription.

Look, I was planning on
reaching out to you over break,

'cause, to be
honest, I had, like,

a really tough first
semester at school.

I slapped my RA, as a joke,

then she, like, totally
misrepresented the whole thing.

Anyway, I got the
school-mandated therapist.

And basically just,

I feel like...

what's the word? Bad.

About how horrible I was to you.

- Me? I don't... really remember...
- No! Yeah, you do.

- what you're talking...
- Remember when we used to be best friends?

And then I told the entire
school that you flashed my dad

and that's the reason my
parents got a divorce?

And then everyone hated you for
years and called you a home wrecker?

Oh, right. That.

Yeah, basically, it
turns out, I just, like,

could not handle the fact that
my parents were splitting up,

so I looked for
someone to blame it on.

And
I'm like, so sorry

because, to be honest,

you were, like, a
really good friend.

You're the only one I told
that I fed my dog a battery.

Can you forgive me?

I'm a victim of a robbery.

This is a dangerous bar.

Okay. What did he look like?

This is him.

Nick D'Agostino.

Oh, actually,
that guy's name is Ben Okada.

♪ You can get devoured ♪

♪ It's a difference from
a hero And a coward ♪

♪ Who are you? ♪

You! I see you.

♪ And when They
dropping off... ♪

How you doing, bud?

Is that
high enough for you?

Yeah,
this is high enough.

Probably good here.

All right.

Tell Cranford what you've
been waiting to say.

This is your moment.
Tell the world who you are.

Okay.

Just gonna...

do it.

I'm gay!

I'm gay and I'm
afraid of heights!

Oh. I should've
saw that coming.

Yeah... Uh, Pal... Palmer?

I think France is overrated.

And we're still going.

I regret deferring college.

I think the guy who works
at the diner is super hot.

I tried moules-frites
and I didn't like it.

It's not very good.

I mean, we're in college.

It's so stupid to
rehash something

that happened in middle school.

No!

My therapist says that trauma
inflicted around that age

follows you into adulthood,

and it can really, really,
really, really mess you up

if you don't take the time
to unpack it and look inward.

Okay, fine!

The home wrecker stuff
fucked me up, okay?

And I have not had a single close
girlfriend since that happened.

I am a traumatized, damaged,

fully packed person.

Happy?

I will be happy

if you can give yourself permission
to forgive and open up again.

- Jamie, are you in there?
- Bring it in, girl.

The bouncer knows we're here.

- Oh, my God.
- Ow!

Oh, fuck. Megan Mendelson.

Is it bad?

- Ow.
- Megan, I am so sorry.

Oh, God, get some ice for
that, and, um, good talk.

- We'll talk more.
- Okay.

Have a good night, girl.
I'm glad we did this.

Love you lots. Love
you like a sister.

Did I break Megan's nose?

- Are you guys friends?
- Unclear.

Wait, we can't leave yet.
We haven't found them.

Yeah, the door's
locked. What do we do?

And I think that I should
be verified on social media

because my following is small,

but I'm doing really
good stuff on there.

He's listing minor
grievances now.

It's starting to
feel a little petty.

I have a weird point of view.

I gotta go.

We're bringing you down, Palmer.

Okay. Wait. Is there a fire?

Can I come to the fire?

Where the fuck are
Simon and Claire?

Well, they gotta be
outside somewhere.

Hey!

Oh, shit!
Go! Go, go, go!

Nick D'Agostino.
You're fucking dead!

Out of context, that
sounds really bad.

Lifetime
ban! You hear me?

- You better run!
- What the hell!

I wonder how he knew
Nick D'Agostino.

Must have been family
friends or something.

Ben, we were right there.

I mean, the one time

you choose to stand
up for yourself

is to mug a woman in a bar?

I had to. She had a
photo of us kissing.

If Claire saw that, she
would have hated me forever.

God, some things are more
important than being the nice guy.

And maybe if you
understood that,

you wouldn't let people walk all
over you and fuck up your life.

You know who's
fucking up my life?

You're fucking up my life.

I am so tired of
you yelling at me.

Maybe I care too much
if people like me.

But you don't care at all.

You start fights with
strangers on the bus.

You're mean to your roommate,

who, on all accounts, is
an extremely sweet person.

And fine, I'm a pushover, Jamie.

But at least I'm
not lying to myself

and acting like I hate
everyone, when clearly,

I'm just desperate to
be accepted by them.

Palmer.

Palmer.

- Palmer!
- Caw-caw!

Ah! My friends are here.

Uh, hi.

Where
have you guys been?

Where have we been?
Are you kidding me?

Why were you on a fire truck with the
coach of our high school football team?

Yeah. And where are
Simon and Claire?

Okay, Twenty Questions...

but "You're Mad at Me" version.

It's a really funny
story, actually.

For starters, Cranford has
a queer bowling league.

I went gay bowling!

- What?
- It's like regular bowling, but the people are gay.

Anyway, Sam and Claire,

ugh, they chugged an entire
bottle of absinthe like animals.

And then they fled.

And so they were briefly
loose in the town.

But I captured them,
mostly on my own,

and now they're passed out
back safely at my home.

No, they're not. We were just
there. They're not there.

What?

No.

She's literally calling.

Hey, Claire. Hey, is everything
okay? Are you at Palmer's?

No, Palmer's
literally psycho.

- He gave us this drink and we got so fucked up.
- Hello, hello?

And then we slept it off and
sobered up and I don't know.

We got a ride to Kurt's and we're
here. Are you guys not here yet?

They're at Kurt's.

- They're at Kurt's!
- Uh, yeah. No, no, no. Stay there. We're gonna come.

Palmer, I'm gonna
fucking kill you.

Relax. Mystery solved.
We'll all go to Kurt's.

Well, how are we getting
there? Via fire truck?

Because, uh, we kinda came here

on your parents' tandem bicycle.

Yeah, and Franklin, Cranford's
one fucking Uber driver,

is somewhere in Pennsylvania.

Oh, my God, Jamie? Do you
guys need a ride to Kurt's?

I told my dad we made up.

Hi, Mr. Mendelson.

Hello... again.

Party Express!

Oh, my God, Dad. It
was, like, so crazy.

There were 20 fire trucks there.

It was like smoke
coming out of every...

I mean, I did not know if we
were gonna make it out alive.

And literally, when I ran
into one of the firemen,

he was like, "Are you okay?"

Like, threw a blanket over me.

He was like, "You honestly
could have died back there."

And I was like, "Yeah, I
really, really felt that."

It was the scariest
thing I have ever seen.

And you know, one time we
saw that guy on the street.

Oh, my God. It was so insane.

So, everybody enjoying
freshman year?

- Not going well.
- I'm actually in Paris.

Majoring in art.

God, Ben!

I cannot get over how
grown up you all look!

Jamie, when was the last time I saw you?

- Dad.
- So, Mr. Mendelson.

How's the chiropractic
field these days?

Any big advancements?

I actually, I just got back
from a conference in Scottsdale.

- Yeah, we were studying some...
- No way. Meg, how about some music, sweetie?

Oh, my God. I
fucking love music.

♪ I'm, I'm ready
to go I'm ready ♪

Okay, I fixed my
nose in the car.

Does it look blended?

Yeah. You're good.

And us?

- We're good.
- Yes!

Oh, my God. I was
hoping you'd say that.

Okay. I have to
go fuck Kurt. Bye!

- Kurt!
- Okay!

That was a lot.

Before we go in here, I just
want to clear the air between us.

I'm really sorry that
I got sidetracked

and didn't call to explain
what was happening.

The night kind of
got away from me.

And two entire
human beings, yeah.

Well, it's okay, Palm.

We're happy you
had a good night.

I really did.

And it made me realize I want
to start Brown in January.

I don't want to go back
to Paris. Fuck Europe.

Well, not fuck Europe.

I mean, obviously, it
would've been so fun

to be a train ride away
from Ben in Copenhagen.

You're gonna go?

Everyone knows except me?

Seriously?

I had to turn in my
deposit before break.

I was gonna tell you
after this weekend, but...

Why don't I... Why don't I run
inside and get us some drinks?

Yeah. One step ahead of ya.

Wait, wait, wait. Jamie, Jamie.

Can we please talk about this?

No.

You should go to Copenhagen

and have a great
time making friends

who aren't as desperate as me.

So, have fun.

Come on...
This is not my fault.

Ben.

I'm telling you, the people at
Harvard fucking suck at beer pong.

They are really nice, though.

I'm liking my time
there, for sure.

Hey, there she is!

- Hi, babe!
- Come here.

I'm know. This night.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

- My phone died at the game.
- It's okay.

We went to Palmer's, but
it was kind of weird.

And then I got lost with Claire.

It doesn't matter. I
fucking I missed your face.

Hi. Oh.

- Oh...
- God, I missed you.

All right, boys,
she's here. Rack 'em.

Oh, actually, um, I was...

I was hoping we could
go talk somewhere?

Come on. I need my partner.

One game. Just one. One game.

Okay. All right.
One game. Yeah.

I've been waiting all night
for you to be inside me.

Oh, me too!

Hi. Mm...

You taste weird.

Did you cheat on me?

Oh, what?

Um...

So, should we go somewhere?

My thoughts exactly.

I already found a bedroom
upstairs with a waterbed.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not a... not a bedroom.

I... I mean, like,

what about somewhere private,

but also public?

And outside?

Freaky.

Okay, college boy.

- I know just the spot.
- Okay.

Who's "Jet Aime"?

It's French. Je t'aime.

What does Je t'aime mean?

I love you.

What?

Go away.

- Get over here.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

Heh.

No, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa! I,
um... Claire.

Uh, before we do anything,
I just want to talk to you.

We can talk after.

- This first.
- No, no. Um, it's...

It's... it's about
something... serious.

What is it?

The permafrost.

Yo, let's roast this fucker.

Yeah, baby, I'll be right there.

You know anything about cooking?

Uh... not really.

Wait, Kurt.

I'm gay.

I'm Kurt.

I know.

We've gone to school
together since kindergarten.

I'm gonna try to cook this
turkey on that bonfire.

Perfect.

Ugh! We lost.

I guess we should, uh, go
outside and talk now, huh?

Redemption shot. Come on.

Babe, babe.

- Come on! Overtime! Let's go!
- Babe!

- Come on! I thought we were gonna go talk.
- Yes!

No, yeah, we are.
After this game.

All right. You
go. You got this.

Whoops!

You used to
be, like, good at this.

Gotta keep your elbow
tucked. Come on!

Oh, my God!

Ooh! Crazy!

What the hell?

We should probably go talk
while they fix that, huh?

Okay.

More like table
wrecker! Am I right?

Oh, my God, Megan!

No, no, it's funny now,
'cause we're friends.

Where's
she gonna do it?

Not the swing set.

He'll never swing again.

Palmer.

Hi.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Lukas.

Do you know Kurt?

Uh, Coach and Ethan felt bad
that I had to miss bowling,

and they said you
might still be out.

So, that's...

So you came to see me?

Yeah.

Okay. Well... welcome
to Kurt's party.

I take absolutely no ownership

over anything that's
happening here.

- Yeah.
- Obviously.

Do you want to grab a drink
and watch some stoned boys

try to cook a turkey
over an open flame?

Yeah, lead the way.

Okay.

And if the plankton and algae
communities are threatened,

then...

the entire food web may change.

And... and, baby, I
appreciate your concern,

but we're together for the
first time in three months,

and I really don't want to
talk about plankton anymore.

You know what I do want
to talk about, Danny Zuko?

Uh... methane levels.

Let's talk about methane levels.

You're the one that
I want.

Okay, one sec.
One... one minute.

Where the fuck are you going?

I... I just need
some fresh air.

We're literally outside.

What's going on?

Why are you being so weird?

What are you looking at?

I just don't think this
long-distance thing is working.

It'll be way easier for me to
come visit once football is over.

I feel like you're just like...

giving up.

Is she...

Are they...

Wait a second.

Was all that stuff about
a serious conversation

you trying to break
up with me, too?

Oh, my God!

Was this some plan
between the two of you?

To tag team your
fucking breakups?

- Ugh, God, you guys do everything together!
- Claire...

Don't even think
about following me!

Uh, maybe we should
go somewhere else?

Really, Claire?

Don't fucking move!

What is going on?

Let me save
you the confusion.

These two came up with a little
plan to dump us at the same time

because they're
co-dependent psychos

who can't do anything
without each other!

Seriously?

You two... You planned this?

I bet it's exactly what
everyone's been saying all along.

That these two have been at
school rawdogging the entire time!

Ben and I are not having
sex with each other!

Yeah. And to be honest,

we're not exactly on great
terms right now, either.

Aw. Of course you
two are fighting.

You're like an old
married couple.

You might as well be
fucking at this point!

Claire, this isn't
about Ben and I.

This is about the fact
that these relationships

should have been
left in high school.

I'm sorry to say,

but they're holding us all back
from moving on with our lives.

Wait, you think we're
holding you back?

Are Simon and I the reason

you two stay in your
dorm room every night

instead of making a
single new friend?

You know what? This sucks.

I'm done.

- Simon.
- No.

Simon. Simon.

You two deserve each other.

Claire.

Um...

Not an emergency...

but I am stuck up here.

Oh, that doesn't look good.

Yeah, that is definitely
way too much lighter fluid.

Turkey!
Turkey! Turkey!

God.

A group of straight guys with a
common goal is genuinely terrifying.

Yeah.

Turkey!
Turkey! Turkey!

Do you think we should
call Ethan or something?

This looks like it's
getting, like, dangerous.

Uh, no, I'll just say
something to Kurt.

I mean, it's his house.

Hey, Kurt.

Holy shit. Never mind.

- Thank you.
- Turkey! Turkey!

Definitely call Ethan.

In 15 minutes, this whole
place could be up in flames.

I think it's so
special how that went

maybe as bad as it
possibly could have.

I've never seen Claire that mad.

I actually thought Simon
was gonna start crying.

I brought up the permafrost.

No, you did not.

You think Claire's right?

About what?

About us.

Our whole thing, how it's...

weird that we're so close,

but we've never...

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, but... but I
mean, we're friends.

We've... never wanted to, right?

Yeah, no, but it's, it's...

It's not like we've never
considered the possibility.

Right? I mean...

I mean, you've thought
about it, haven't you?

Yeah... Yeah.

No, no, no. I've...

Of course I've thought about it.

Obviously.

It just felt like...

couldn't that ruin
our friendship?

Yeah, no, it definitely
could. It could be a disaster.

Especially if one of us didn't
feel the same way after.

- Right, right.
- Hmm.

Then again...

What?

Uh, I don't know. I...

Things don't exactly feel
great between us right now.

So...

What are we saying then?

Is that the cops?

Holy shit!

All right, I
need everyone to step back!

All right, that's
it. Time to go home.

Party is over!

- What's going on?
- Yeah, what the fuck happened?

Oh, there was a
terrorist attack.

Yeah. You just missed
the news trucks.

No, they incinerated a
turkey. Where were you guys?

- Thank you.
- Uh...

Thanks for calling. You
did the right thing.

Of course. Is
everything all right?

Yeah, everything's fine. We
managed to get the fire out

before there was any
major property damage.

Little freak who lives here
is pretty shaken up, though.

Y'all have a ride home?

Yeah, I can drop everyone off.

Look at that.

Thank God.

- Have a good night.
- Mm-hmm.

- You too.
- Thanks.

Okay, so you said it, and then
they just, like, walked away?

No, yeah, no. We just...
We just broke up.

Jamie. Nothing to add?

Did they cry?

Give me details.
What else happened?

Okay, then.

Psychos.

♪ Secure the ground
Beneath your feet ♪

♪ 'Cause love is an accident ♪

♪ Waiting to happen ♪

♪ To me and to you ♪

Okay. Uh, good night.

And... and happy Thanksgiving,

and we should
definitely talk soon

and make sure that we...

touch base moving forward.

Okay, good night, Ben!

Bye.

- Oh, he's unwell.
- Mm.

"Let's keep in touch"?

Are we networking? What?

♪ If I go ♪

♪ A million miles away ♪

♪ I'd write a letter ♪

♪ Each and every day ♪

♪ 'Cause, honey, nothing ♪

♪ Nothing can ever change ♪

♪ This love I have for you ♪

♪ You make me weep ♪

♪ And you can make me cry ♪

♪ See me coming ♪

♪ And you can pass me by ♪

♪ But, honey, nothing ♪

♪ Nothing can ever change ♪

♪ This love I have for you ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ You're the apple of my eye ♪

♪ You're cherry pie ♪

♪ And, oh, yeah You're
cake and ice cream ♪

♪ Oh, you're sugar and spice ♪

♪ And everything nice ♪

♪ You're the girl of
my My, my, my, dreams ♪

You realize, of course,
that we could never be friends?

Why not?

What I'm saying is that
men and women can't be friends

because the sex part
always gets in the way.

That's not true.

No man can be friends
with a woman he finds attractive.

He always wants to
have sex with her.

What if they don't
want to have sex with you?

Doesn't matter. Because
the sex thing is already out there.

So the friendship is
ultimately doomed,

and that is the
end of the story.

Well, I guess we're
not gonna be friends then.

- Guess not.
- Too bad.

Hey...

You're the only person
that I knew in New York.

Oh, oh, oh, sweetheart, we
haven't run the dishwasher yet.

I do a very thorough pre-rinse.

Just leave 'em.

Come talk to me, kiddo.

What's going on?

You have male friends, right?

Yeah, sure I do.

I mean, your father is, like, my
best friend in the entire world.

And I have you.

Yeah, that's... that's
not exactly what I meant.

Look, I know you've only
been gone a few months.

But you're a grown-up now.

Okay? And that means
that sometimes life...

puts a pebble in your shoe.

Right? And you can
either ignore it

and just keep walking
and let it slow you down.

Or you can take the shoe off

and shake that fucker out.

Damn, Mom.

And I love that you are
the last person I want to talk to

before I go to sleep at night.

And it's not because I'm lonely

and it's not because
it's New Year's Eve.

I came here tonight
because when you realize

you want to spend the rest
of your life with somebody,

you want the rest of your life
to start as soon as possible.

What's happening?

Should we pause?

Go back to sleep, Norman.

♪ I thought I knew one Who
told me I kept them safe ♪

♪ Got caught up in love ♪

♪ It can't make it
Through the day ♪

♪ Now all I think of Is
how will I run away ♪

♪ Buried in the problems
Of the yesterday ♪

♪ Yesterday ♪

♪ In the same old
town I saw your face ♪

♪ You seemed so sad
I felt the same ♪

Ben?

I shouldn't be
this out of breath.

What's... what's going on?

Look, I can't stop
thinking about last night.

And I hate that I don't
know where you stand,

and I don't want
to ruin anything.

But I realized something,
and I have to let you know.

Oh, Ben.

I don't wanna fuck you.

I harbor no sexual or romantic
feelings for you whatsoever.

You are my absolute favorite
person on this planet,

and I just want to
be your best friend.

Wow.

Is...

Is... is that okay?

I have never been so
relieved in my entire life.

Oh, thank God!

Dude, I have been fully
spiraling for the past 12 hours

thinking you were
in love with me.

No. No, not even a little bit.

I can't believe we
let Claire get in our heads.

I know. I mean, granted, we do
spend too much time together.

Yeah, it's fair to say
we have issues, but...

I'm glad sexual tension
is not one of them.

Exactly

And I'm sorry I didn't
tell you about Copenhagen.

But I want you to know it has
nothing to do with you or Claire

or anything other than the
fact that I want to go.

I think it's cool my
professor picked me.

It is cool.

- Really?
- Yeah, of course, really.

It's been cool this whole time.

I just... didn't
want to admit it

because I didn't
want you to leave.

But that's shitty

and I am really excited for you.

And you're right, I
should be nicer to Kelly.

I know what I said
about sororities,

but it'd be nice to have
girlfriends in college.

Are you reading King Arthur?

Oh, yeah, I was looking to see
if there's any wisdom in here

about making out
with your best friend

and then deeply regretting it.

- Ah. And?
- Nothing yet.

But to be fair, I am
still on the foreword.

Have you talked to Simon?

No.

You talk to Claire?

No, not yet. We should
probably do that.

Yeah, we should.

Should we tell them
that we kissed?

- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- Don't!

- Don't joke about that.
- I'm kidding.

That's... not...

That's too soon.
It's not funny.

♪ Are we still friends? ♪

♪ Can we be friends? ♪

♪ Are we still friends? ♪

- ♪ Can we be friends? ♪
- ♪ Can we be friends? ♪

♪ Are we still friends? ♪

♪ Can we be friends? ♪

♪ Friends ♪

♪ Are we still friends? ♪

♪ Friends, friends ♪

Ben, your dad won't stop giving
me supportive hand gestures.

- Just ignore him. Just ignore him.
- Okay. Okay.

Well, I'm glad you won't
be as far as France, Palm.

Me too.

And I'm so proud of my
little heartbreakers!

- Bring it in. Bring it in!
- You did it!

Hey!

- Okay, well, don't let us keep you.
- How's that going?

It's good.

My parents don't get back from
their cruise for another six hours,

so we have the
house to ourselves.

Okay!

- Get it!
- All right.

See ya.

Okay.

You ready to go?

I think so, yeah.

♪ I had a dream
Or was it real? ♪

♪ We crossed the
line And it was on ♪

♪ We crossed the line... ♪

My feet are gone. I literally
don't have them anymore.

I told you not to
borrow Jamie's shoes.

- You're not the same size!
- I'm gonna go get some water.

- Okay?
- Yeah!

- Okay. All right, babe!
- Thank you!

Love you,
James! You're my hero!

Yeah! We got it!

I love the energy!
I love the...

No fucking way!

What are you doing here?

I couldn't miss this!

Wait. How did you
even get here?

I thought you didn't
get here till tomorrow!

I got an earlier flight,
so I had Tyler pick me up.

He owed me a favor.

- Oh!
- Love you, roomie!

Look at you! Look at this!

I know! I know! Oh, my God!

- I can't wait to hear about everything!
- Same, I...

Shit, shit,
shit! If we're on the dance floor,

we gotta be dancing.

Okay, well...

where are we starting?

I think it's at the chest.

♪ No more hesitations
This is on ♪

♪ Can't make it stop... ♪

Yeah.

I think it's going to hands.

- Mm!
- Think it's going to hands.

Yeah, it's going to hands.
It's going to hands.

♪ I wanna cut Through the
clouds Break the ceiling ♪

♪ I wanna dance on the
roof You and me alone ♪

♪ I wanna cut to the
feeling Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I wanna cut to the feeling ♪

♪ I wanna cut to the feeling ♪

Ooh, Sandy!

In your little poodle skirt
and your... your big boobs...

You make me so horny,
Sandy. I just want to...

greased lightning on
your butt cheek, huh?

Greased lightning all
over your butt cheeks.

Ben? Dude, you look hot!

♪ Check-a, check, check ♪

♪ I catch wreck
With the Tech Deck ♪

♪ I'm the best yet Kill
a set then I jet, jet ♪

♪ Bet, bet that I get,
get all the props ♪

♪ Find me smoking
Marijuana crops ♪

♪ Go ahead and call the cops
Shit, they can't do a thing ♪

♪ TPS be the new crew to
bang So turn it up, up ♪

♪ We're so fine And
you the rough cut ♪

♪ Hit the edit lab And
review your frame ♪

♪ Chop chop, snip snip ♪

♪ Hip hop 'til your lid
pop off And you flip ♪

♪ Keep a stiff upper
lip When I rap ♪

♪ Pull a trick out my hat ♪

♪ Then I bounce in a Honda
Civ Never on the grid ♪

♪ You're not not gonna see me ♪

♪ We got, got What
you need, need ♪

♪ Pot buddha weed, weed Rock,
rock to the beat, beat ♪

♪ From Chicago to DC I'm
out for the clean sweep ♪

♪ Be prepared To salute your
shorts Lose your drawers ♪

♪ We're gonna run 'em
up The flag pole ♪

♪ I be the hip hop poster boy ♪

♪ That most avoid 'Cause they be
getting punished In a battle ♪

♪ You can't roll with my
team Can't donate a swing ♪

♪ Camp Lo fans
Know what I mean ♪

♪ Tableau with the theme
Of a Coppola scene ♪

♪ Get at me ♪

♪ I could show you A
thing or two about ♪

♪ How to put a needle To
the groove in the record ♪

♪ See most people Couldn't do
any better Than P-Squares ♪

♪ Am I stupid or clever?
Ain't got a clue whatsoever ♪

♪ But everything I do
I do to the letter ♪

♪ So take, take A
breath, breath and go ♪

♪ Find me in your tape
Cassette deck fo' sho' ♪

♪ A brain case, a
meth head A dope ♪

♪ Vacate the room, room ♪

♪ I'ma let you know, know ♪

♪ We did it again So grab
the weed Hit it again ♪

♪ Palmer Squares And
we in it to win ♪

♪ So throw your hands up ♪

♪ And if you ain't
have none Just jump ♪

♪ Mad love From
the back to front ♪

♪ 'Cause we did it again
Grab the weed, hit it again ♪

♪ Palmer Squares And
we in it to win ♪

♪ So throw your hands up ♪

♪ And if you ain't
have none Just jump ♪

♪ Mad love From the back
to front We give it up ♪

♪ One, one to the two
Spun with the crew ♪

♪ Huff, huff a balloon
'Til I'm blue in the face ♪

♪ Stay true to the faith Of unusual
taste With tools of the trade, I ♪

♪ Lose, lose control
Move, move your soul ♪

♪ Boom, boom 'Til
the room explodes ♪

♪ Sip, sip my cup, cup A
quick slit, the blunt's cut ♪

♪ The piff, piff I puff,
puff And pass to the left ♪

♪ Then I ask for the check ♪

♪ Masking the stress
With a bag full of cess ♪

♪ From an ounce to a pound ♪

♪ I'm down at the lounge Buying
rounds For my frowning clowns ♪

♪ Whiskey and rye
Get lifted and fly ♪

♪ Drift through the
skies Squinting my eyes ♪

♪ Ignited by The flickering
light The criminal minded ♪

♪ Out for the
thrill Of the ride ♪

♪ Clean clock with a
sock Full of batteries ♪

- ♪ The academy cat, finna pop ♪
- ♪ Yeah, right ♪

♪ That'll be the day
There's fees to pay ♪

♪ Cheese to make G's to rake,
weed papes Lemme lead the way ♪

♪ Stone's throw from the
po-po Bring on the heat ♪

♪ So cold I'm froze
Like a sno-cone ♪

♪ Coke nose and the go-gos ♪

♪ We got the beat Dome blown
from a bowl Of the home grown ♪

♪ Opium den, dope in the dojo ♪

♪ Smoke, smoke puttin'
holes In the ozone ♪

♪ Showboat with a sold soul ♪

♪ Broke, broke like a
joke Mofo got no dough ♪

♪ Get low with your
ass And your hips ♪

♪ Scandalous
Smackin' your lips ♪

♪ Term K flick ash
From the window ♪

♪ Smooth cat move fast
As the wind blow ♪

♪ We did it again ♪

♪ So grab the weed
Hit it again ♪

♪ Palmer Squares And
we in it to win ♪

♪ So throw your hands up ♪

♪ And if you ain't
have none Just jump ♪

♪ Mad love From
the back to front ♪

♪ We did it again Grab
the weed, hit it again ♪

♪ Palmer Squares And
we in it to win ♪

♪ So throw your hands up ♪

♪ And if you ain't
have none Just jump ♪

♪ Mad love From
the back to front ♪

♪ We give it up ♪