Original subtitles

Everything you wanna know about vampires, it's right here.

They have wellness fame bias now.

Stretch those hammies. Feel the burn.

She has changed my life.

What if we let off some fireworks in here, huh?

Fireworks in the bar?

It's never been done before. Right?

That could be kind of good, right?

You'll burn the place to the ground.

But Charlie is right, though. Like, we have to have

- some kind of flair for this business meeting. - Yeah.

This guy's a huge potential investor.

He could give Paddy's tons of money.

I know, we need pageantry. We need, uh--

Oh, dude, I just thought of something.

What if it's not a guy? What if it's a woman?

If-if it's a woman, I got flowers prepped for her.

- Okay. - Oh.

And if it's a guy, I got a football ready for him.

- Nice. Okay, that's good. - No, well-- No.

Hold on. What if it's a guy who hates football

- but loves flowers? - Right, right, right.

- Or a woman who loves football but hates flowers? - Hates flowers.

Or a woman who was assigned

male gender at birth

- but has retained her traditional love of the game? - Yes.

Which she has the right to do.

- That is her right... - Of course, it's 2021... That's fine. Yeah.

Here's the bottom line, it's 2021,

all bets are off, okay?

- Uh, the chances of this person walking in...

and being your typical vanilla white guy are slim to none.

Hi. Sorry to interrupt. Uh, my-my name's Gary.

I'm here to speak to the owners of Paddy's Pub.

- Uh-- Oh. - Oh, thank sweet Jesus.

- All right! - Gary. - This is a relief.

Gary.

- It is so good to see you.

This I can wrap my head around.

Uh, Gary, we're gonna set up over here.

- All right. Yeah. - We'll take care of you.

We got together, we got you a little gift here,

a token of our appreciation, and, uh-- from the pub.

- Yeah, that's from us to you, so... - Yeah, from us to you. Uh...

Oh, uh, thank you.

All right. That's a relief.

All right, well, now that we all know that we see eye to eye,

let's talk about you giving us that PPP loan, huh?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Uh, there must be some confusion.

I'm not here to hand out PPP loans.

I'm here to collect on ones you already have.

Um, in fact, as I believe, it's three separate loans,

so I'll just need to know, uh, what you did with the money

and what the business has been up to for the past year.

- Uh-huh. - Yep. - Oh.

Gary, we saw 2020 as a year to, um, well, I don't know,

capitalize on our many various interests.

- Yeah, we got a lot of 'em, you know? - Hey, when the world

- says slow, we say go. - That's right.

- Or strike. Or attack. Yeah, yeah. Well, see, normally,

we're running a thriving bar here, you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah. - Yeah. But, uh, COVID forced us

to close our doors to the community, so...

- Yeah. - What were we gonna do? - We had to branch out.

- That's what we did. - So why don't we just, uh,

talk about the first loan, which is "Punch Incorporated"?

Yeah. - Oh, yeah. That was, uh, that was Mac and I.

- So why don't we, uh...? Okay. - Yeah.

- That's a cool name, isn't it?

- It's a very, uh, aggressive name. - It's very cool.

As an out-of-work bouncer, I was looking to pursue

my other interests that would be as intellectually stimulating

as choking out a jabroni and leaving him out in the street.

Like my longtime dream of becoming

an international country teen pop sensation.

♪ Girl, you give me feels when I see them heels♪

♪ Let's ride on a horse, making love out in the fields♪

♪ Out in the fields♪

♪ Let me be your guy♪

♪ Never mind them flies♪

-♪ Just get on the horse and...♪ - Uh, wait, wait.

Hold-hold on a second, wh-- All right, man, look,

the-the music is starting to come together.

I-I like the music, but I'm-I'm struggling with the lyrics.

- What's wrong with the lyrics? It's the fly thing.

Well, horses have flies. That makes sense.

Yeah, but the lyric is, "Let me be your guy,

never mind them flies."

It feels like I'm asking her to forget the flies

that are surrounding me, not the horse.

♪ Never mind them thighs.♪

- Th-Thighs? Where-- What? Why thighs? - Yeah. Yeah.

- Whose thighs? - Yeah, well, maybe he's got thick, grotesque thighs

- and he's embarrassed about 'em. - Look...

There's a bigger problem, man. Can I be honest with you?

I'm having trouble concentrating on any of this stuff,

- because I can't stop thinking about the election. - The election.

- The election. Yes. Oh, my God. - Yes. Ah--

Yes. I-I was, like, right there with you.

I-I can't focus on any of our...

- The integrity of the election, right? Because I-I... - Yes. Yes.

- Our democracy is at stake. - Yeah.

I feel like things aren't going well with the election

- and-and we need to get involved. - Mm-hmm.

You know, we were concerned that our guy

wasn't gonna get a fair shot in the election.

Of course not, because he's an outsider

that brings a fresh perspective

to Washington. Right?

- Right. - I mean, we--

not everybody likes him, but that's why we do.

Yeah, and we were really worried that the mainstream media

just wasn't taking him seriously.

It's like, do I want a bunch of eggheads

who spend all day learning about shit

influencing how I think about things? No.

No, no. Plus, you want a guy who's lived a little, right?

You want a guy who knows how to party.

- And our guy knows how to party. Right?

- Yeah. - Our guy parties.

Anyway, it was obvious that the integrity

of the election was at stake here.

So that's why we wanted to make sure

that things went smoothly at the polling place.

- Right. - Hence, we created Punch Incorporated.

So, we used the loan to buy tactical gear.

Oh. Look at this one, with the New York hat.

She got bussed in from that liberal hellscape?

All right, let's go find out.

- Let's talk to her. Excuse me, ma'am? - Ma'am?

- Ma'am, yes. Hi.

- Ma'am. - Are you, uh, registered to vote here?

- Ma'am? - Are you from Philly?

- Huh? - Yeah, and we don't want to see

- any of that bogus fake I.D. bullshit. - Yeah.

We're gonna ask you a series of Philly-related questions

- in no particular order. - Mm-hmm.

Why do we hate Chris Chelios?

Who is Uncle Eddie Savitz?

Who is a better athlete, Donovan McNabb or Rocky Balboa?

- Where is...? - Hey-- Whoa. Well, hold on a second.

I mean, that's too easy. McNabb, obviously.

- I... - Well, I don't think it's that obvious.

I mean, do you think Donovan McNabb

could go toe-to-toe with Ivan Drago for 15 rounds?

Uh, no, what I'm saying is that Rocky Balboa

is a fictional character, so this isn't even a conversation.

Are you-- Are you saying you want Sly Stallone

to be the starting QB for the Eagles next season?

- How do you think that's gonna go? - Well, what year is it?

Is it early 1980s? 'Cause the NFC East was not strong,

and I say that Sly takes us to the playoffs.

Sly Stallone is just a meatball actor.

Then why do we make statues to him?

We don't-- Okay, hold on a sec.

Wait, just... You're crazy.

Okay, the guy is five-foot-nine, okay, to start with--

And by the way, that's a celebrity listing.

He's probably closer to five-foot-four.

So was Doug Flutie. You saying he's an actor?

- No, I'm say... - He's one of the greatest

football players that Canada ever produced.

So-so, I'm sorry, now you're comparing McNabb

to a teeny-tiny little man

who's, uh, named after a woodwind instrument?

- What are we even talking about, man? - Hey, what's up, Brian?

- Good to see you again. - Brian.

What's going on? Y-You want us to, um...

You want us back at the hundred feet?

He wants us back at the hundred feet.

We're gonna be less effective back there, but...

The problem is, back there, we can't...

- we can't keep a-- Yeah. - Okay. All right.

- We'll go back to the hundred. - Let's-let's-- We're gonna...

Hey, you want to go-- grab you a coffee?

We got-- We'll grab him a coffee. - We'll grab you a coffee,

- and then we'll be back, but... - Thanks for keeping things safe.

- We'll stay a little bit further away. - We'll keep things safe.

Suffice to say, our arguing

did not help the situation.

Yeah, it turns out they had their own security there

- to keep things safe, and they just kicked us right out.

Anyway, the point is,

the country was in turmoil, okay? Tensions were high,

so Mac and I decided to pivot to a less controversial approach.

Yeah, we went with gaining exposure

for our budding musical interests

as well as providing people with an opportunity

- to vote on another pressing matter. - Mm-hmm.

♪ Freedom is the choice you have♪

♪ Is it Rocky or McNabb?♪

♪ Cast your vote and make it clear♪

♪ Place your voting choice in here♪

♪ Place your voting choice in here♪

♪ Place your voting choice in here♪

♪ Place your voting choice right up in here♪

♪ Right here.♪

Pop your votes

right in that box there, folks.

- If you want them votes to count. - That's right.

Now, uh, let's, uh, let's take it one more time from the top

before Brian Security gets here.

- Yep. Let's do it. Here we go. - Yep.

Now, the labeling... in hindsight,

was a-a bit obtuse and created a-a great deal of confusion.

It kind of backed up the whole system.

Right. Yeah, there was a whole kerfuffle--

I don't know if you remember this--

about, like, what votes were supposed to be counted

and what votes aren't gonna be counted.

And are these legitimate votes, are these not legitimate votes?

What's this, what's that?

I mean, we put our boxes all over the damn place.

So, you know, we created a mess.

I'm sorry, let me, let me try to get this straight.

So you're saying that you might be partially responsible

for the voting count delays in the presidential election?

Uh, no, no, I'm saying we might have been entirely responsible,

uh, for the vote delays, but wha-what I'm also saying is that

we were two American businessmen who took out a legitimate loan

for a legitimate business.

Uh, well, now that we've got that settled,

uh, I'll tell you what,

why don't, um, why don't we play you

a couple of our original songs,

loosely based on the chord progressions

- of Emerson, Lake & Palmer? - Mmm.

- N-No. - Yes.

- No. I think we should just... - Yes.

Actually, let's just keep moving on

to-to the next loan, if that's okay.

Uh, so, uh, "Frank's Imports and Exports."

- Oh, that's this guy. I'm gonna get a beer. - Boom.

Go. What do you want to know?

Uh, what were you importing?

Inks, grease, paste.

Sludges in general.

Sludges, I see. All right.

And, uh, what were you exporting?

Hair dye.

Frank, I'm worried about you, man.

You're hitting it way too hard, pal.

I was going hard.

When society hits the brakes, I hit the gas, baby.

Society break, I got gas.

What? If you have gas, take it out in the hall, okay?

Also, I need another bucket. I'm out of paint here.

- Where... - I got no more buckets.

Look, I shouldn't even be doing this, man.

Uh, y-- It looks terrible.

You should get this done in, like, a salon or something.

Salons are closed.

I got to go, got to go, got to go, got to go.

- Got to go? Where you going? - Yeah, I got to go.

That's only half-- You look crazy, dude.

- Where you going? - I'm out.

What... Well, take a mask, will you?

- I mean, you got one? - I got-- Yes, I got a mask.

- You got to wear it, though, Frank. - It's on. I got it on.

Yeah, but you got to cover your nose, dude.

You got to...

Why does nobody old know how to wear a mask?

I was sick of staying inside.

So I went to my favorite bookstore to clear my head.

Fortunately, my favorite bookstore never closes,

and they never judge their customers.

Oh, hey, you got to wear a mask.

I got a mask.

- Oh, I didn't see it. - Right.

- You're good. - Thank you.

So I grabbed a few titles

and I went in the back to do some light reading.

There I was, staring at my idols,

Peter North, T.T. Boy, the late, great D.J. Ram.

And that's when I noticed it.

The bad dye job. Who had I become?

I was letting the pandemic get the best of me.

It had taken my manhood.

Well, I went home

and immediately did something about it.

After I popped off.

I got right to work on creating the perfect hair dye.

Shoe polish, India ink,

permanent marker.

I tried 'em all.

Until I finally hit pay dirt.

Whoa.

Chinese motor oil.

-Bingo. - Bingo.

For the first time in a long time,

I felt like somebody again.

I couldn't let this opportunity go to waste.

I opened a chair.

I became the most sought-after underground hair stylist

for like-minded older men yearning

for a sense of community during the pandemic.

I had my PPP loan, and business was booming.

♪ Ooh, a storm is threatening♪

♪ My very life today♪

♪ If I don't get some shelter♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, I'm gonna fade away♪

♪ War, children♪

♪ It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away♪

♪ War, children♪

♪ It's just a shot away, it's just a shot away...♪

Then one day, this guy comes in.

Not even the usual clientele.

Didn't even look at the magazines.

Said he just needed a place to cool off.

Next thing you know, he's in my chair.

We talked about the election,

and our mutual disdain for insider Beltway politics.

He wasn't from the neighborhood.

Said he was in from New York, doing some business

at a fancy hotel down the street.

He said his boss was a very connected man

who needed a situation fixed.

And this poor bastard was in the eye of the shitstorm.

I did him up real nice.

Little did I know, my work was about to be

in the national spotlight,

on the head of America's mayor,

Rudolph William Giuliani.

I was proud of how my work stood up in the spotlight.

He became my biggest client.

Funny thing about the spotlight, though,

sometimes it burns too bright.

And that was the moment I knew it was coming to an end.

It was my own fault. I got sloppy.

Started cutting corners, using American motor oil.

And to top it off, my guy didn't win the election.

The whole thing was a fiasco.

I-I blame myself.

Wait, y-- so you're saying that the hair dye

that's dripping down your face

is the same dye used by Rudolph Giuliani

during the presidential election?

Yeah.

Okay. Let's just move on to the next loan.

Um, a clothing line. Something called

"Garments and Varmints"?

- Yo! That's us. Yeah. - Yep. Yeah.

Yeah, th-the name's a little confusing,

'cause it did end up being mostly costumes.

Yeah, yeah, but it's not really confusing, you know,

because varmints definitely played, like, a key role in it.

- So it's not confusing. - Oh, it's confusing.

- It's incredibly confusing. - I'm sorry.

- But we can go on. - Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, I am confused.

Well, of course, you're confused, Gary.

That's 'cause you're not a moron.

All right, let me explain what happened here, all right?

- We've been on top of each other for a long time. - Yeah.

We bubbled together during the pandemic

because, well, we're both essential workers at the bar.

Yeah, yeah. Charlie and I, we're the last tit on the hog

before the asshole.

I am so sorry for my partner's blue language.

It-it does not represent our business,

- and it's extremely off-putting. - It was just a joke.

Just stop. Okay.

The point is, we were pretty deep in the pandemic

when we, uh, we got a pretty good idea.

We were gonna sell masks.

The world needed masks, and once our loan came in,

we got all kinds of materials.

Only, there was one problem.

Bam. Check that one out.

- What the hell is that? - That's a mask.

Yeah, of Ronald Reagan, but...

Ronald Reagan? That's Dennis.

- That's not Dennis? - Whether it's Dennis or Ronald Reagan,

i-it's not gonna stop the spread of COVID.

Stop COVID?

Well, we don't need any more of those kind of masks.

Everybody's making those masks.

Well, they-they're trying, right?

But, see, my angle is, mine are funny.

Look, at this.

"Fauch the Grouch."

- Right?

- Fau-- That's a great name. Who is that? - I know.

"Fauch."

Okay, how about this one?

"Mama needs wine."

- Right? And this is funny

'cause women are alcoholics who hate their kids.

Yeah, yeah. But I-- you're, like,

you're missing the big picture here, Dee.

- Right? 'Cause, dude... - What do you mean?

...the real money is in the Halloween costume space.

Think about it, man. Everyone's been stuck together at home,

they're all worried and shit.

They're gonna want to come together

at the end of next year, so, like,

Halloween store owners, they're gonna be, like,

some of the richest people in America, Dee.

We're not gonna do that. We're not gonna do--

Let's just do the medical mask thing.

Uh, number one, it's easier, and number two,

- it actually makes sense. Right? - Okay. All right.

- Well, fine, we'll try your thing. - Logical.

- Okay, fine. - Okay.

Anyway, we made the stupid masks,

but the next challenge was marketing them.

Sweetie, if you're not gonna help me homeschool these kids,

can you please at least do the dishes?

I need to drink wine.

I know you do, but, honey, I got you a gift.

You did? What?

A custom-made mask.

Are you looking to party this Halloween?

Are you sick of being jerked around by the fat cats

in the Halloween industry?

Then we've got the fix for you. Garments and Varmints.

And now it's all starting to make sense, right?

Wh-What? No.

It makes less sense than it did in the beginning.

- You're telling it wrong. - Gary gets it.

- No, I-I don't get it. Point is,

for reasons we would find out

much later, we did end up getting a rather sizable order

for costumes from one group.

Yeah, uh-huh, and these guys were out of state, right,

-and they wanted them really fast. - We were in a rush.

So we were stressed out.

Now, luckily, I was pretty handy with the old girl,

so we were able to fill out most of the order.

Although we were running out of material.

- Okay, what else do we need? - What?

- What else do we need? - Uh, uh, pelts.

- Get more pelts. - What pelts?

The pelts! The pelts, you bitch!

- Pelts for what? - Oh, you bitch.

You insufferable bitch.

I d-- Am I supposed to even know what that means?

- Animal pelts! - What are we doing with animal pelts?

I can't sew without the pelts!

Get the pelts, you bitch!

Yeah, now, normally,

I don't call Dee a bitch.

That's sort of Dennis's thing.

- Dee's a goddamn bitch! Yeah. Uh,

but, you know, her vulgar language was rubbing off on me,

you know, which wasn't a good look for the business.

The pelts that Charlie's referring to,

they're from raccoons that he was tanning

in the basement of this bar.

Yeah, well, you see,

the pandemic had kind of disrupted

the bar's natural ecosystem.

There was a real uptick in raccoons,

which consider rat brains a delicacy,

which of-of course you know, Gary,

- and now it's all starting to make sense. - It doesn't make sense.

At least now he understands why we called the business

- Garments and Varmints. - He doesn't care what we call

- the business. - I believe that the man does!

I'm taking over the whole story!

- Okay? - Please go ahead.

It took us three hours, but we finally arrived

at the place where we were gonna meet the customer.

- Gentlemen. You got the stuff?

- Absolutely. Give me one minute. - Hey.

Digging that face paint. Very festive.

What are you gentlemen celebrating?

We're protesting the election. - Yeah!

Okay, well, I can get behind that,

'cause our guy did not get a fair shake.

- Oh. The whole thing is a sham.

- Yeah, our guy got screwed, man. - Sham.

Okay, so there's the costumes.

I'm especially proud of the stitching on the animal skins.

- That was all Charlie. - You know what I'd like to do?

Uh, I'd love to throw in this cool hat for free.

I think it really completes the look.

- Let's see. - You know? Let's see it there.

Oh, shit. He's right. - Yeah.

Thanks, brother.

Now let's go save this country!

- All right.

Uh, they all seemed pretty amped up.

But we were, too. I mean, people have been dragging

our guy's name through the mud, saying he wasn't fit for office.

Yeah, calling him a narcissist, saying he was mentally ill,

and that all the people who showed up

- for his events were idiots. - Yeah, but that's 'cause

they've never seen the guy onstage.

- I mean, he's electrifying onstage. - Yeah.

All right, I'm sorry, let me... try to make sense of this.

You're telling me that you provided the iconic costumes

at the Capitol riots?

- Yeah. - Yep.

Can't say they weren't good costumes, Gary.

- They were great costumes. - Isn't that something? Isn't that something?

Well, uh, listen, now that we've cleared up

all those previous loans, uh, we would like to talk to you

- about giving us a new loan for Paddy's Pub. Okay...

- Oh my G-- What was that? - Oh, sorr--

Firework. Almost got you, pal.

Sorry about that.

- Fire. - Oh!

Huh? What?

Shit, I see it. All right.

Uh, I got it. I got it.

I got it. Sorry, everyone. All right.

Uh, sorry about that, everybody.

Probably shouldn't have done that in the bar.

- Oh, is that right? - Yeah, I'm sorry, guys.

- Yeah. All right, well... - I was trying to get

a little fanfare for the-the loan.

It was prett-- It was kind of cool.

Um, so, hey, listen, um,

listen, we really do believe that with a major cash infusion,

- we could turn this bar into something... - No, no, no.

-...even more successful than it already... - No, no, no. Stop.

I-I have heard enough.

You people have shamelessly gamed the system

out of massive amounts of taxpayer dollars

for fictitious businesses that have gone bankrupt,

and still you have the nerve to ask for more money?

Well, that's what makes America

the greatest country in the world.

When you're in need, the government comes in

- and bails you out. - Nothing made me more money

than businesses I sent into bankruptcy.

- Yes-- Yeah, yeah. - That's the American way.

- That's as American as it gets right there.

That's right, and maybe if our guy had won,

our businesses could succeed just like his.

- They would've been huge hits. - Oh, absolutely.

- Yeah. - I think so.

No, no, no, I-I-- No...

None of these idiotic businesses would have been successful

whether Trump had won or lost.

- Huh? - Okay. - Trump?

- Yeah. I'm sorry... - Yeah, wh-why are you talking about Trump?

- Where'd you get that? - Yeah, how are you getting to that?

Uh, "Washington outsider, not taken seriously

"by the liberal media, successful businessman,

unsuccessful in love, electrifying onstage."

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, that's our guy.

- Yeah, yeah, that's him. - Absolutely. Yeah.

- That's Kanye. Kanye West. - Kanye West.

- He's our guy. - Have you seen him onstage?

Yeah.

Wait, Kanye West?

You all voted for Kanye West?

- Oh, absolutely. - Damn right. - 100%, pal.

- You've seen him onstage? - All the way. - Yeah, man.

He's the best. He's the best.

No. I do not believe you.

I do not believe any of you. None of this happened.

There is no way that you were all involved

in every major event of the past year.

- Wh-Why? - Why?

Because you're not Forrest Gump!

You'll be hearing from the IRS.

- Okay. - I don't... I don't like him.

I don't think he's gonna give us the loan.

- I don't think we're gonna get the loan, either. - No.

You know what we should do? Let's listen to some Kanye West.

- Ow! - That's what we should do.

That's gonna bring the mood back up.

We all should be listening to Kanye West.

-♪ She give me money♪ -♪ Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger♪

-♪ When I'm in need♪ -♪ But she ain't messin' with no broke, broke♪

♪ Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger♪

-♪ When I'm in need♪ -♪ But she ain't messin' with no broke, broke♪

-♪ I got to leave♪ -♪ Get down girl, go 'head, get down♪

-♪ I got to leave♪ -♪ Get down, girl, go 'head, get down♪

-♪ I got to leave♪ -♪ Get down, girl, go 'head, get down♪

-♪ I got to leave♪ -♪ Get down, girl, go 'head...♪

Stop the count! Stop the count!

♪ With a baby Louis Vuitton under her underarm♪

♪ She said, "I can tell you rock ♪

♪ "I can tell by your charm♪

♪ "Far as girls, you got a flock♪

♪ I can tell by your charm and your arm"♪

♪ But I'm lookin' for the one, have you seen her?♪

♪ My psychic told me she'll have a ... like Serena♪

♪ Trina, Jennifer Lopez, four kids♪

♪ And I got to take all they bad ... to ShowBiz?♪

♪ Okay, get your kids, but then they got their friends♪

♪ I pulled up in the Benz, they all got up in♪

♪ We all went to din and then I had to pay♪

♪ If you ... with this girl, then you better be paid♪

♪ You know why? It take too much to touch her♪

♪ From what I heard, she got a baby by Busta♪

♪ My best friend said she used to ... with Usher♪

♪ I don't care what none of y'all say, I still love her♪

♪ Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger...♪

Sunny's back.

I wanna go somewhere exotic.

Ireland baby!

An all new season.

Do you mind if I go sample some of your jellies?

No, no. Help yourself.

Delightful.

A banquet... What?

Ew!

Whoa!

[YELLS]...and murder.

Wait, what?

All right, this is why Irish people hate America.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

All new. Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

Listen up, because I'm about to blow your minds.

Just exercising.

- Seriously? - Fire.

Is that a lower back tattoo?

Yes, the Fresh Prince one.

What happened to this country?

Marcy is stronger than revenge.

Bravo.

No one has seen a stolen food truck, would ya?

Um... no.

Someone stole a truck. Broad daylight.

Put your seatbelt on. - Seatbelt?

Put your seatbelt on - or we're not leaving. - Jeez!

Your good thieves. Best in town.

Thank you.

It is a small town.

It is hard to be a warrior with dignity.