Original subtitles

WE GOT ONE PATIENT READY TO COME UP.

JUST STEP THAT WAY TO THE DISPENSARY.

THANKS.

(man) HOW YOU DOING?

GOOD. HOW YOU DOING?

(man) PRETTY GOOD. WELCOME TO THE HEALTH CENTER.

(Benson) THANKS.

NICE TO BE HERE.

SO, LIKE, HOW DO YOU--

HOW WOULD I EVEN BEGIN TO DECIDE

WHICH KIND TO CHOOSE?

IT DEPENDS ON YOUR LEVEL OF TOLERANCE.

IF YOU'RE A FIRST-TIME PATIENT, YOU'VE NEVER TRIED IT BEFORE,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO GO WITH SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT LIGHTER.

IT'LL GIVE YOU MORE, LIKE, OF A BODY HIGH,

JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING

TO GIVE YOU THE FEEL OF HOW IT'S GOING TO BE.

LIKE, THE PURPLES ARE MORE OF A--

LIKE IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS SLEEPING

AND BACK PAINS AT NIGHT, YOU'RE REAL UNCOMFORTABLE,

THE PURPLES WILL PUT YOU TO SLEEP.

THEY'RE THE REAL STRONG, MORE POTENT ONES,

THAT WITH THE KUSH TOO.

THEY'RE A LITTLE MORE POTENT ONES.

SO THE $45 MIX, THOSE ARE THE ONES

THAT YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET THE FEELING OF IT.

I FEEL HIGH JUST THINKING ABOUT ALL THIS.

[lively music]

*

(man) I'M GOING TO BRING OUT YOUR NEXT COMIC NOW.

HE'S VERY FUNNY.

HE'S ON VH1; YOU SEE HIM ON A LOT OF THINGS.

LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR MR. DOUG BENSON.

[cheers and applause]

(Benson) I SAW THAT MOVIE SUPER SIZE ME WHEN I WAS HIGH.

MISTAKE!

THAT IS FUCKED UP, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE THE PREMISE OF THAT MOVIE

IS THAT IT'S BAD TO EAT A LOT OF McDONALD'S,

AND I'M SITTING THERE ALL HIGH, LIKE, THINKING,

"OH, I COULD GO FOR A HOT APPLE OR A FRENCHIE AT THIS POINT.

HOOK ME UP, MAN."

AND HE'S JUST GORGING IT ALL ON HIMSELF

AND THEN THROWING UP, AND, OH, IT'S DISGUSTING, THAT MOVIE.

IF THAT'S A MOVIE,

IF EATING McDONALD'S FOR 30 DAYS IS A MOVIE

AND PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO PAY TO SEE IT,

I'VE GOT A MOVIE.

I'M GOING TO SMOKE POT EVERY DAY FOR 30 DAYS,

TRY TO REMEMBER TO FILM IT...

[laughter]

AND MY MOVIE'S GOING TO BE CALLED SUPER HIGH ME

OR BUSINESS AS USUAL.

I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET...

[laughter and applause]

ON THE TITLE.

SO THAT STARTED OUT AS A JOKE IN MY ACT,

AND THEN A FILMMAKER-- I'M USING THE TERM LOOSELY--

SAW ME SAY THAT, AND WE HAD A DISCUSSION,

AND WE'RE REALLY FUCKING DOING IT.

(male narrator) DOUG BENSON:

STAND-UP COMEDIAN, NOTED POT SMOKER.

IN FACT, HIGH TIMES MAGAZINE RECENTLY NAMED DOUG

THE NUMBER TWO POT COMIC IN THE COUNTRY.

BUT THAT DOESN'T PUT DOUG BENSON ABOVE THE LAW,

SO HOW CAN THIS BE POSSIBLE?

IN 1996, THE CITIZENS OF CALIFORNIA

PASSED PROPOSITION 215, WHICH ALLOWS PATIENTS

TO USE CANNABIS FOR MEDICAL PURPOSES

IF THEY GET A RECOMMENDATION FROM THEIR DOCTOR.

COMMON USES FOR MEDICAL CANNABIS INCLUDE CHRONIC PAIN, HIV/AIDS,

DEPRESSION, NAUSEA, OR A MEDICAL CONDITION

YOUR DOCTOR THINKS IS APPROPRIATE.

KEEP IN MIND, THE EFFECTS OF MARIJUANA VARY

WITH EVERY USER.

THIS IS THE STORY OF JUST ONE PATIENT,

AND DESPITE YEARS OF MARIJUANA USE,

EVEN THE NUMBER TWO POT COMIC IN THE COUNTRY

HAS NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN

WHEN HE GETS SUPER HIGH.

(Benson) I'M NOT GETTING HIGH EVERY DAY FOR 30 DAYS YET,

BECAUSE THERE'S A CATCH.

I HAVE TO NOT GET HIGH FOR 30 DAYS

BEFORE GETTING HIGH FOR 30 DAYS

TO SHOW HOW AWFUL IT IS WHEN I CAN'T GET HIGH AT ALL

TO CONTRAST WITH HOW AWESOME

THE NEXT 30 DAYS ARE GOING TO BE.

SO I HAVE TO NOT SMOKE FOR 30 DAYS,

AND THAT'S GOING TO START AT THE BEGINNING OF AUGUST.

(man) * I SHOULD BE ASLEEP,

* BUT I'M AWAKE STILL

*

(man) SO HOW DO YOU FEEL, FIRST DAY?

SO FAR, SO GOOD.

BOY, THAT HAT MADE ME WANT TO GO SMOKE POT.

EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF POT NOW THAT I CAN'T HAVE IT.

TRAFFIC LIGHTS...

[laughs]

WHEN THEY'RE GREEN.

I'M GOING TO BE HOSPITALIZED, I THINK.

REALLY? I THINK SO.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT TO BE FUNNY,

OR DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?

I REALLY BELIEVE THAT.

WHY DO YOU BELIEVE YOU'LL BE HOSPITALIZED?

IT'S GOING TO BE NASTY,

SMOKING ALL DAY EVERY DAY FOR 30 DAYS.

I'VE NEVER SMOKED, LIKE, THAT-- I SMOKE A LOT OF POT,

BUT I'VE NEVER, LIKE, DAY AND NIGHT FOR EVERY DAY

FOR 30 DAYS.

SO I'M A LITTLE SCARED.

BUT HOW AWESOME WOULD IT BE IF IT FUCKING KILLED ME?

[laughter]

THAT SPURLOCK MOVIE'D BE THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE

IF HE JUST DIED AT ONE POINT DURING IT...

[laughter]

FUCKING GRIZZLY MAN STYLE.

(Campbell) SUPPOSEDLY,

YOUR DEPRESSION IS GOING TO KICK IN TODAY,

IF IT'S GOING TO KICK IN.

SO THEY SAID, TAKE THIS TEST.

RIGHT, BUT, LIKE-- THE ONLY ANSWER I CAN GIVE

IS RARELY--

WELL, NO, BUT YOU WOULD EXAMINE--

'CAUSE IT'S ONLY BEEN ONE DAY.

THAT'S OKAY.

BUT YOU'RE ALSO-- IT'S HOW YOU FELT

OVER THE PAST WEEK, EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE SMOKING.

RIGHT? AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO GO,

AND WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THE SAME TEST

IN ANOTHER WEEK,

AND THAT'LL BE WHEN YOU'RE NOT SMOKING.

(Benson) I JUST DON'T--I'M NOT--

I'M NOT ON BOARD WITH THIS ONE,

'CAUSE I SPENT THE LAST WEEK SOME DAYS SMOKING,

SOME DAYS NOT, AND I BARELY REMEMBER--

THIS IS ABOUT DEPRESSION.

SO THIS IS DAY TWO,

AND I'M DOING GREAT.

IT'S--SO FAR, IT'S FUCKING NOT A PROBLEM.

I CAN TOTALLY NOT SMOKE POT FOR TWO DAYS.

I'M JUST WRITING "RARELY" ON EVERY ONE OF THESE.

(Campbell) THAT'S TAKING IT REAL SERIOUSLY.

WELL, I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN--

I SPENT THE WEEKEND

GETTING FUCKING CRAZY HIGH ALL WEEKEND.

I CAN'T REMEMBER--

WELL, DID YOU FEEL FEARFUL AT ALL

DURING THE LAST SEVEN DAYS?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

MAYBE, LIKE IF I SAW A COP COMING

OR SOMETHING OR-- I DON'T KNOW.

(Campbell) DID YOU HAVE ANY CRYING SPELLS?

NO. OKAY.

DID YOU FEEL HOPEFUL ABOUT THE FUTURE?

I MIGHT HAVE.

AND, I MEAN, THESE ARE MOSTLY FEELINGS

THAT I DON'T HAVE EVER.

OVER THE COURSE OF THE TWO 30-DAY PERIODS,

WE'RE GOING TO DO LOTS OF TESTS, YOU KNOW,

LIKE IQ TESTS AND LUNG CAPACITY

AND JUST A BUNCH OF TESTS.

AND ONE OF THEM IS GOING TO BE,

THEY'RE GOING TO CHECK MY SPERM COUNT,

AND BY "THEY," I MEAN I'M HOPING IT'S A DOCTOR.

[laughter]

I HOPE THIS IS NOT A GUY WITH A LOT OF PLASTIC CUPS

THAT HE'S NOT USING.

AND...

[laughter]

THEY'RE GOING TO CHECK MY SPERM COUNT,

AND SO MY FIRST CHECK, SPERM CHECK,

IS COMING UP IN THREE DAYS, ON THURSDAY.

AND THE THING ABOUT GETTING YOUR SPERM CHECKED IS,

YOU CAN'T MASTURBATE OR EJACULATE INTO A LADY FOR--

OR WHATEVER YOUR THING IS-- FOR THREE DAYS.

THREE DAYS, AND IT STARTED TODAY,

THAT I CAN'T--SO I'M, LIKE, SO MUCH MORE UPSET

THAT I CAN'T MASTURBATE FOR THREE DAYS

THAN I CAN'T SMOKE POT FOR 30, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE I'M NOT LOOKING AT POT ON THE INTERNET EVERY DAY.

THIS WAS ALMOST AS FUNNY AS WHEN YOU'RE HIGH,

HONEST TO GOD.

I CAN TELL, BUT AN UNTRAINED EYE COULDN'T TELL.

BUT I COULD TELL.

IT WAS STILL GOOD, THOUGH.

IT WAS STILL VERY GOOD.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU STILL LIKED IT.

(narrator) THE PROHIBITION AGAINST MARIJUANA BEGAN IN 1937.

SINCE THEN, IN ORDER TO OBTAIN YOUR MEDICINE,

YOU HAD TO VISIT A GUY.

BUT WITH THE PASSING OF PROPOSITION 215,

CALIFORNIA CITIZENS ARE ALLOWED TO OPEN UP RETAIL SHOPS

KNOWN AS DISPENSARIES TO LEGALLY SELL CANNABIS

TO QUALIFIED PATIENTS.

TO REPEAT THAT FOR THE STONERS SHOWING UP LATE,

IN CALIFORNIA, YOU CAN LEGALLY BUY POT IN A STORE

LIKE YOU'RE BUYING BEER OR COOKIES.

[singing]

RIGHT NOW, IT'S JUST A FREE-FOR-ALL.

(man) IT'S THE WILD WEST.

WILD, WILD WEST.

AND I'M JESSE JAMES, I GUESS, RIGHT NOW.

IT'S REALLY STRESSFUL.

ME BEING IN THIS FOR ABOUT A YEAR NOW--

MAN, WHEN I STARTED, THERE WAS, LIKE, FOUR OF US.

RIGHT.

FIRST-TIME PATIENT? COME ON IN.

YEAH, COME ON IN.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING, CHIEF?

CAN I GET YOUR ID? YES, SIR.

COME ON.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR: INDICA, SATIVA?

A HYBRID.

HYBRID? OKAY.

ANY--I MEAN, YOU GOT A PAIN TYPE OF THING,

OR YOU JUST WANT THE HEAD TO BE UP?

(Benson) THESE ARE TWO JOKES THAT I'VE WRITTEN

SINCE I STOPPED GETTING HIGH THREE DAYS AGO,

JUST TO SHOW YOU WHERE I'M AT...

[laughter]

AND HOW IMPORTANT MARIJUANA IS TO WHAT I DO.

WHY ISN'T THERE A MILDEW-REMOVAL PRODUCT

CALLED MILDON'T?

[laughter]

SEE, THAT'S NOT TOO BAD.

I HAVEN'T LOST IT.

[laughs]

AND HERE'S THE OTHER ONE.

THE NEW SLOGAN FOR OLD NAVY--

HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW COMMERCIALS?

IT'S NO LONGER, LIKE, OLD TV STARS BEING STUPID.

NOW IT'S, LIKE, TRYING TO BE HIP AND COOL AND MATRIX-Y.

AND THE SLOGAN IS, "GET YOUR FASH ON."

YOU KNOW, "GET YOUR FASH ON."

"GET YOUR FASH ON,"

WHICH WAS PROBABLY-- I WAS THINKING WAS PROBABLY

A REJECTED SLOGAN FOR FASCISM

WHEN THEY WERE SITTING AROUND,

COMING UP WITH SLOGANS FOR FASCISM

TO TRY TO GET IT OFF THE GROUND.

THEY WERE PROBABLY LIKE-- SOMEBODY WAS LIKE,

"HOW ABOUT, 'GET YOUR FASH ON'?"

"GET OUT OF HERE.

"THAT'S STUPID.

WE'VE DECIDED TO GO WITH 'FASCISM: WATCH WHAT HAPPENS.'"

[laughter]

THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO SMOKE A LOT OF POT

AND HAVE QUITE A LOT OF SUCCESS.

I DON'T THINK ONE PRECLUDES THE OTHER.

JUST A DIFFERENT PATH, AS THEY SAY.

WHAT'S YOUR OPINION

ABOUT MEDICAL MARIJUANA?

I'M JUST CURIOUS.

WHAT'S MY OPINION ABOUT MEDICAL MARIJUANA?

WELL, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MEDICAL MARIJUANA.

IN THE '70s,

THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR THE REFORM OF MARIJUANA LAWS

FAILED IN THEIR ATTEMPTS TO LEGALIZE MARIJUANA

FOR RECREATIONAL PURPOSES, MUCH TO MY CHAGRIN IN COLLEGE,

BECAUSE I DID SMOKE, I DID INHALE,

AND I ATE BROWNIES.

SO THEN WHAT THEY DID WAS, VERY INTELLIGENTLY,

THEY REWRAPPED THEIR ARGUMENT.

THEY REPACKAGED IT AS A MEDICAL ARGUMENT,

BECAUSE CANNABINOIDS-- THEY'RE LIKE THC

AND OTHER STUFF--THEY DO HAVE SOME VALUE MEDICALLY

BUT NOT AT ALL WHAT THE ACTIVISTS ARE SAYING

THEY HAVE.

WHEN I WEAR MY HAT

AS A PRIVATE CITIZEN,

I THINK OUR WAR ON DRUGS HAS COMPLETELY FAILED,

THAT MARIJUANA SHOULD BE LEGAL FOR RECREATIONAL PURPOSES,

AND THAT'S MY PRIVATE CITIZEN HAT.

BUT WHEN YOU COME TO ME

AND I'M WEARING MY LITTLE TIE AND STETHOSCOPE

AND PLAYING DOCTOR HERE,

DO I EVER ASK A PATIENT

TO INHALE THE CRUDE COMBUSTION PRODUCTS

OF A DRIED PLANT

THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ELSE IS IN IT

AND I ALSO DON'T KNOW WHAT STRENGTH YOU'RE GETTING--

IS IT GOOD SHIT? IS IT BAD SHIT?

IS IT--YOU KNOW, IS IT STUFF THAT YOU GREW ON YOUR OWN,

YOU GOT FROM MEXICO,

OR DID YOU GET B.C. BUD FROM COLOMBIA?

WHAT'S IN IT?

OKAY, GO AHEAD. BLOW.

KEEP GOING; KEEP GOING EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK

THERE'S NOTHING THERE.

OKAY, THAT'S FINE.

JUST RELAX.

I NEED YOU TO TURN YOUR HEAD TOWARD EITHER WALL--

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH.

GIVE ME A NICE HARD COUGH.

[coughs] BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT'S THE "TURN THE HEAD TO THE SIDE" PART ABOUT?

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE COUGHED ON?

YEAH, EXACTLY.

"OKAY, I'M GOING TO GRAB YOUR BALLS.

NOW I WANT YOU TO COUGH IN MY FACE."

SO, YOU KNOW, TO CUT TO THE CHASE,

YOU HAVE NOT, AFTER 17 YEARS OF DOING THIS,

YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANY PERMANENT DAMAGE

THAT I CAN TELL.

GOOD MORNING.

HI.

I HAVE YOUR DATE.

I HAVE YOUR TEST.

HA HA. CHEERS!

HEY, GOOD MORNING.

(man) HOW ARE YOU?

DOUG. DOUG, YES.

PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. NICE TO SEE YOU.

COME ON BACK.

WELL, SO YOU'RE DOING THIS FILM,

AND YOU'VE STOPPED USING BOTH ALCOHOL AND POT.

I WAS WONDERING, AS YOU LOOK BACK ON IT,

WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT POT?

WHAT DOES IT DO FOR YOU WHEN YOU SMOKE?

UM...

IT JUST--

THE SIMPLEST EXPLANATION I CAN GIVE IS,

IT JUST MAKES EVERYTHING MORE FUN.

YOU KNOW, IT JUST MAKES--

MAKES MY BRAIN WORK DIFFERENTLY, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, IT'S--IT SEEMS LIKE IT, STRANGELY, GIVES ME

A LONGER ATTENTION SPAN.

SO, YEAH, SO IT'S BEEN SIX DAYS,

AND I'M DOING OKAY.

IT'S NOT--I THINK-- I DON'T THINK IT'S AS ADDICTIVE

AS SOME PEOPLE THINK.

LIKE, I ONLY THINK ABOUT SMOKING POT CONSTANTLY.

[laughter]

THAT'S THE ONLY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT.

I'M STARTING TO LEARN--

YOU KNOW, LIKE, MAKING THIS MOVIE

IS FORCING ME TO LEARN TO ACTUALLY BE INTERESTED IN PEOPLE

AND ASK A QUESTION AFTER THEY ANSWER THE FIRST QUESTION.

(Tompkins) WELL, ISN'T IT MOSTLY PEOPLE

ASKING YOU QUESTIONS?

WELL, NO, WE GO AROUND.

WE'VE BEEN SPENDING A LOT OF TIME, LIKE,

IN DISPENSARIES AND, YOU KNOW,

WITH PEOPLE THAT ARE ADVOCATES

FOR POT, OF WHICH I NORMALLY

AM NOT THAT INTERESTED IN.

RIGHT.

I JUST WANT TO SMOKE IT, SO--

WELCOME TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION, EVERYBODY.

[cheers and applause]

SO--BUT ALSO I'VE NOT HAD A DRINK IN OVER A MONTH,

AND THAT IS--

[man groans]

FUCKING, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME.

IT'S THE WORST.

SOMEBODY IN THE AUDIENCE,

WHEN YOU SAID THAT YOU'D STOPPED DRINKING,

ACTUALLY SAID, "OH, HE LOVES TO DRINK."

[laughter]

SHE WAS REALLY CONCERNED

THAT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO--

(Benson) SEE, IT'S TRUE,

AND I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND,

THAT IS A FUCKING SACRIFICE.

LIKE, THAT IS WHAT I'M GIVING UP,

BECAUSE THE SMOKING, IT'S NOT A SACRIFICE,

BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SAID, "OH, I USED TO HAVE

SO MANY AWESOME TIMES WITH MY FRIENDS, SMOKING."

[laughter]

"REMEMBER THAT PARTY WHEN WE HAD CIGARETTES?"

HEY, REMEMBER THAT TIME?

WE HAD TOO MANY CIGARETTES.

I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED.

I SMOKED SO MANY--

BOY, WE HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME.

WE HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME.

YEAH, I'M JUST GOING WITH SOME FRIENDS.

WE'RE GOING TO, LIKE, GET A COUPLE PACKS OF CIGARETTES

AND PROBABLY JUST GO OUT ON A PORCH.

SO WE'RE DRIVING OUT TO THE VALLEY

TO FIND OUT ABOUT, APPARENTLY, IN NORTH HOLLYWOOD,

THERE'S A ROGUE COP WHO SHOWS UP AT DISPENSARIES

AND SHUTS THEM DOWN.

(Duncan) I THINK WHAT'S HAPPENING

RIGHT NOW UP IN NORTH HOLLYWOOD

IS THAT WE HAVE A LOCAL POLICE OFFICER

WHO IS CONFUSED AND PERHAPS HOSTILE

TO MEDICAL CANNABIS.

AND HE HAS SORT OF SET IT ABOUT--AS HIS MISSION

TO CLOSE THE DISPENSARIES.

AND THAT'S UNFORTUNATE, BECAUSE WHAT WE'RE SEEING NOW

IS SORT OF A BREAKDOWN IN DUE PROCESS.

I'M JUST CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT A ROGUE COP IS.

YOU KNOW, IS IT JUST ONE GUY

WHO JUST PUTS HIS UNIFORM ON AT HOME

AND LOOKS IN THE MIRROR AND SAYS, "BE CAREFUL OUT THERE"

AND GOES AROUND SHUTTING THINGS DOWN?

DO YOU THINK A ROGUE COP'S GOING TO SHOW UP

WHILE WE'RE IN THERE?

NO. THIS IS DON DUNCAN.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

DOUG BENSON, HE'S THE HERO OF OUR MOVIE,

SO TO SPEAK.

(Frye) IT LOOKS LIKE THIS MR. SMITH

IS JUST--WENT RENEGADE, MAN.

YOU KNOW, I'M A REAL THING.

THIS IS A REAL BUSINESS LICENSE.

THIS IS WHAT WE DO.

AND, OF COURSE, THE FIRST TWO MONTHS,

THEY THOUGHT THAT, "OKAY, BLACK DUDE'S ABOUT TO COME HERE

AND OPEN UP A DOPE SHOP."

I COULD FEEL IT, OKAY?

BUT WHEN IT DIDN'T TURN OUT TO BE THAT--

"OH, ACTUALLY, THIS GUY'S AN EX-SCIENTIST,

"AND HE--MASTER'S DEGREE, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

"AND HE'S NOT TURNING INTO THIS,

"AND, ACTUALLY, IT'S PRETTY DAMN GOOD,"

'CAUSE WE GOT A FREE SECURITY GUARD

THAT PATROLS THE PARKING LOT.

THEN I WAS COOL.

THEN SIX MONTHS PASSED.

EVERYTHING'S COOL.

PEOPLE THINK THAT MEDICINAL CANNABIS,

WHEN YOU USE THAT WORD,

YOU'RE JUST TALKING ABOUT STRAIGHT MARIJUANA.

HALF OF THE PATIENTS THAT COME THROUGH HERE CAN'T SMOKE,

BECAUSE THEY'RE IN HERE

FOR SOME SMOKE-RELATED TYPE OF, YOU KNOW, DEAL.

SO I HAVE ALL TYPES OF PILLS, AND THIS IS LIP BALM, MY MAN.

THIS IS CHAP STICK, AND IT DOES THE JOB.

AND IT WORKS?

(Frye) I HAVE AN OLDER GENTLEMAN

WHO SWEARS BY THIS TOPICAL SPRAY.

YOU PUT IT IN.

BOOM, YOU SPRAY IT ON, AND IT ACTUALLY WORKS.

THERE'S A LOT OF DIFFERENT WAYS

OF GETTING THC INTO YOUR SYSTEM,

AND IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT SMOKING.

DRIVING TO SACRAMENTO.

DOUG REFUSES TO SIT IN THE PASSENGER SEAT.

SITS BEHIND ME.

[laughter]

THIS WILL ALL BE VERIFIED IN HIS LITTLE FUCKING--

(Benson) IT'S CALLED MISS DAISY STYLE.

[laughter]

HE GOES--I SAY, "JUST DON'T FIRE UP IN MY CAR."

YOU KNOW, "IF YOU WANT WEED, WE'LL PULL OVER,

AND WE'LL FUCKING-- OOH, YOU KNOW."

AND WE DRIVE UP TO SACRAMENTO,

AND--YOU KNOW, BUT STONERS ARE ALL LIKE FOUR-YEAR-OLDS.

I SEE HIM BACK THERE, AND HE STARTS FIRING IT UP.

AND I'M LIKE, "I CAN SEE YOU THROUGH THE REARVIEW MIRROR."

BUT STONERS ARE, LIKE I SAID, FOUR-YEAR-OLDS,

SO HE'S LIKE, "HEE HEE, NO ONE CAN SEE ME."

I'M LIKE, "FUCKING IDIOT."

AND I'M LIKE-- I SMELL FIRE AND SMOKE

AND MARIJUANA AND EVERYTHING.

AND HE'S LIKE, "I'LL BLOW IT OUT THE WINDOW."

SO HE ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW AND BLOWS IT OUT.

NOW, BEAR IN MIND WE'RE ON THE 5, GOING 80.

SO HE BLOWS IT OUT--AH!

IT ALL COMES FUCKING POURING BACK IN.

I'M LIKE, "YOU GODDAMN DUMB STONER."

"SORRY, IT WAS ALMOST 4:20" OR WHATEVER HE'S FUCKING--

MY MOM CALLED ME TODAY AND LEFT ME A MESSAGE

SAYING SHE LOST OR BROKE HER GLASSES,

SO SHE NEEDS NEW GLASSES, SO THAT'S WHY I WANT TO--

THAT'S THE MAIN REASON WHY I WANT TO GO

TO THE POST OFFICE TODAY, 'CAUSE I FEEL BAD

THAT SHE'S SITTING AROUND WITHOUT GLASSES

UNTIL SHE GETS A CHECK FROM ME.

(man) YOU HELP HER OUT FINANCIALLY?

YEAH, I PAY FOR PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING.

(Odenkirk) SEE, THAT'S THE THING.

I'M VERY TORN.

I SAID I WAS GOING TO DO YOUR DOCUMENTARY,

BUT HERE I AM-- I'M VERY TORN ABOUT POT,

BECAUSE I HONESTLY--I WISH THAT I COULD SMOKE POT,

LIKE, TWICE A YEAR.

I'M SERIOUS.

WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT TWICE A YEAR?

WHY DO YOU SAY YOU WISH YOU COULD?

I'VE GOT TWO KIDS.

I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO IT.

EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT BUYING SOME,

I'M LIKE, "HOW? WHAT?"

THE LAST TIME YOU DID MY SHOW AT UCB,

YOU STARTED TALKING ABOUT HOW RIDICULOUS IT IS

FOR A GROWN MAN TO STILL BE SMOKING POT

AND STILL BE--

I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.

YEAH, YOU WERE LIKE, "COME ON.

IT'S TIME TO GROW UP."

WELL, YEAH.

YEAH, SEE? YOU STILL FEEL THAT WAY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

LOOK AT YOU. IT'S SAD.

I DON'T THINK YOU ACTUALLY SMOKED POT.

I THINK YOU SMOKED OREGANO, AND YOU'RE TRYING--

LOOK AT ME; I'M ON DAY TEN OF NOT SMOKING,

AND I'M FINE.

YOU FEEL GREAT?

WELL, NO, I DON'T FEEL GREAT.

I'D STILL LIKE TO DO IT.

REALLY? WOULD YOU?

YEAH, AND I'M GONNA.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA DO IT.

I HAVE TO.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT EVERY DAY.

I'M GOING TO DO IT A LOT.

THEN I MIGHT NOT LIKE IT ANYMORE AFTER THAT.

NO, I THINK YOU WON'T LIKE IT AFTER A FEW DAYS.

PEOPLE SAY POT SMOKERS ARE LAZY.

I DISAGREE; I'M A MULTITASKING POT SMOKER.

YEAH, JUST THE OTHER DAY, I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

THAT'S ONE.

[laughter]

STONED. TWO THINGS AT ONCE, MOTHERF-ERS.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE THAT SECOND ONE BACK.

I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

I WAS PUTTING EYEDROPS IN MY EYES.

I WAS TALKING ON MY CELL PHONE.

AND I WAS GETTING HIT BY A CAR.

[laughter and applause]

* MAKING SHIT HAPPEN ON SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD. *

[laughter]

IT'S SO FUCKING WEIRD

WHEN PEOPLE ARE JUST STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU

WHILE YOU'RE DOING COMEDY

AND THEY'RE JUST STANDING THERE LIKE THIS.

"YEAH, I HEARD YOU.

GOOD ONE."

NEVER HAD PEOPLE JUST STANDING THERE.

"WHAT'S NEXT?"

ARE THERE ANY POT SMOKERS HERE TONIGHT?

ANY POT SMOKERS IN THE HOUSE?

YEAH, ALWAYS IN THE SHITTY SEATS

'CAUSE THEY GOT HERE LATE.

[laughs]

FIRST OF ALL, DUDE,

CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE OR HOTEL ROOM.

YOU DID IT, MAN.

CONGRATULATIONS. BRAVO.

'CAUSE I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.

YOU'RE SITTING IN YOUR ROOM.

YOU'RE LIKE, "LET'S GO TO THE COMEDY SHOW."

[inhales]

"FUCK IT; WE GOT A TV RIGHT HERE."

I WAS IN A SHOW

CALLED THE MARIJUANA-LOGUES,

AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS,

IT'S LIKE THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES

BUT WITH POT INSTEAD OF VAGINAS.

AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE OFFENDED.

THEY COME UP TO ME, AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF VAGINAS?

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH VAGINAS?"

I'M LIKE, "NO, I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOUR WEIRD VOICE,

BUT I"--WE LOVE VAGINAS AT THE MARIJUANA-LOGUES.

WE WANT VAGINAS IN THE SEATS,

ESPECIALLY VAGINAS THAT SMOKE MARIJUANA,

WHICH I SAW ONCE IN INDONESIA.

[laughter]

COST ME $6 AND A CHICKEN...

AND A LIFETIME OF REGRET,

'CAUSE I CAN'T GET THAT IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD.

PLUS, SHE WOULDN'T PASS THE SHIT.

THAT IS RUDE.

THAT IS RUDE, TO BOGART A JOINT

WITH YOUR VAGINA.

DON'T DO IT, FELLAS.

IT'S LIKE MY TWO FAVORITE THINGS

KEEPING ME FROM ENJOYING MY TWO FAVORITE THINGS,

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH A VAGINA THAT HAS FIRE IN IT,

AND YOU CAN'T SMOKE THAT JOINT THROUGH HER ASSHOLE.

[laughter]

OH, DID YOU SEE THE SIGN OUTSIDE?

IT SAYS, "ADULT MATERIAL WILL BE COVERED."

MY NAME IS DOUG BENSON, AND I'M ABOUT TO GET SUPER HIGH.

[laughs]

WOW, I THINK I FOUND THE PERFECT PLACE TO FART.

I THINK THAT--I THINK POT'S ILLEGAL THERE, OVER THERE,

BUT IT'S LEGAL OVER THERE, THAT WAY.

I THINK.

OR MAYBE THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

YEAH, POT IS LEGAL OVER THAT WAY AND ILLEGAL THAT WAY.

I'M PRETTY SURE.

I WENT ON THE, WHAT DO YOU CALL IT, TODAY,

THE PARASAILING OVER THE LAKE, LAKE TAHOE.

THAT WAS SWEET.

IF YOU GUYS GET A CHANCE TO DO IT, GO FOR IT.

I DON'T HAVE ANY JOKES ABOUT IT YET.

[laughter]

AS SOON AS I BROUGHT IT UP, I WAS LIKE,

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS?

"YOU HAVE NOTHING FUNNY TO SAY ABOUT IT,

OTHER THAN PROMOTING THE ACTIVITY,"

'CAUSE IT WAS REALLY GOOD.

[laughs]

BUT I WAS UP THERE, LIKE 1,200 FEET, GOING,

"MAN, I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING SMOKED A BOWL

"BEFORE DOING THIS, 'CAUSE IT MAKES--

SMOKING POT MAKES EVERYTHING MORE FUN."

(man) SO ARE YOU READY?

MM-HMM.

YOU'VE GOT 25 MINUTES. BEGIN.

[bell dings]

[rock music]

*

(Ross) THINK YOU'RE FUNNIER WHEN YOU'RE SOBER?

I SWEAR NOTHING'S CHANGED.

REALLY?

OTHER THAN I'M HAVING A LITTLE LESS FUN.

DOUG BENSON SMOKES SO MUCH POT

THAT HE BUYS IS ROLLING PAPER AT COSTCO.

[laughter]

HE LOOKS BRIGHTER AND SHINIER, I THINK.

(woman) GLOWING.

YEAH, YOU'RE GLOWING.

(Benson) WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE OF THE BABY.

HE'S EITHER SOBER OR PREGNANT.

THAT'S BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT.

[laughter]

EVERY DAY IS A JOY

NOW THAT MY BABY'S COMING.

I RECENTLY SAW A DOG IN A CAGE, AND--

HANG ON; THERE'S MORE.

AND THE CAGE HAD A SIGN ON IT THAT SAID, "I BITE."

AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT IS GOOD TO KNOW, DOGGIE,

"BUT THAT'S NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT YOU.

"YOU SHOULD MAKE A SIGN THAT SAYS,

'I MAKE SIGNS.'"

[laughter]

(Cohan) SO I'M GOING TO TEST YOUR MEMORY,

AND I WANT YOU TO SAY THESE WORDS BACK TO ME

AFTER I SAY ALL THREE.

IT'S THREE WORDS.

OKAY.

BOAT, CUCUMBER, WIRE.

BOAT, CUCUMBER, WIRE?

JUST SAY IT BACK TO ME.

I LIKE TO PUT A QUESTION MARK AT THE END.

THERE; YOU CAN ALWAYS PUT A QUESTION MARK

AT THE END OF ANYTHING YOU LIKE.

NOW,

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU CERTAIN THINGS.

I WANT YOU TO ACTUALLY NAME THEM.

WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS THING?

FANCY.

A WATCH.

WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS THING?

A PEN. ALL RIGHT.

I CAN'T WAIT TO TAKE THIS WHEN I'M HIGH.

NOW, REMEMBER THOSE THREE WORDS I ASKED YOU BEFORE

OR TOLD YOU BEFORE?

I'D LIKE YOU TO TELL ME--

SEE? I KNEW IT.

TELL ME BACK. IT WAS ONLY THREE WORDS.

I KNOW.

BOAT AND CUCUMBER.

OKAY.

THERE WAS A THIRD WORD.

I KNOW. BOAT, CUCUMBER...

[whispers] BOAT, CUCUMBER.

I DON'T KNOW THE THIRD ONE.

ALL RIGHT. YOU GOT TWO OUT OF THREE.

IT WAS "WIRE."

WIRE.

OKAY.

NO WONDER.

REPEAT THIS AFTER ME, GRAHAM.

BOAT, CUCUMBER, WIRE.

BOAT, CUCUMBER, WIRE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE GOOD TOO.

I'M NOT A STONER.

YOUR LUNGS GOT BETTER.

HOW MUCH BETTER?

3% IN 23 DAYS.

SO THAT'S--SO I'M AT 93%?

92%, SO-- WHICH IS ACTUALLY--

YOU KNOW, THAT'S NOT INSUBSTANTIAL.

I MEAN, I CAN'T TELL YOU

IF IT'S STATISTICALLY SIGNIFICANT, BUT--

SEE, THAT MEMORY TEST-- I KNEW I WAS 89%

FROM THREE WEEKS AGO.

SO WHAT THREE WORDS DID HE TELL YOU?

HE TOLD ME...

WIRE, BACON, AND SOME OTHER ONE?

[laughs]

HE DID WORSE THAN I DID!

AND HE DOESN'T SMOKE POT EVER.

OH, HEY, JIM.

I WAS HOPING THAT WAS YOU,

BUT I'M NOT PSYCHIC.

WELL, WE'LL FIND OUT ABOUT THAT, WON'T WE?

WE'LL FIND OUT HOW PSYCHIC I AM.

(Underdown) I HAVE THE EXACT SAME DECK OVER THERE.

WE'RE GOING TO FLIP A CARD UP,

AND YOU'RE GOING TO GUESS WHICH ONE OF THE CARDS

WE'RE FLIPPING UP.

AND, TO MY KNOWLEDGE,

THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A TEST DONE BEFORE

WHICH COMPARES PSYCHIC ABILITY

BEFORE AND AFTER THE INFLUENCE OF MARIJUANA.

IT'S GROUNDBREAKING, YEAH.

(Underdown) IT'S GROUNDBREAKING RESEARCH.

FIRST CARD, EVERYBODY SEE THE FIRST CARD?

AND, DOUG, WHAT IS YOUR GUESS?

(Benson) TRIANGLE.

(Underdown) FIRST GUESS IS TRIANGLE.

WHAT'S YOUR GUESS?

CIRCLE.

CIRCLE IS THE GUESS. OKAY.

PLUS...

SO THAT'S IT?

WE ONLY GOT ONE-- IS THAT RIGHT--THE WHOLE TIME?

1 HIT OUT OF 25, WOW.

(man) SO YOU'RE NEGATIVE PSYCHIC.

YOU'RE SPECTACULARLY NOT PSYCHIC.

SPECTACULARLY UNPSYCHIC.

(Underdown) YEAH.

WHAT ALLEGEDLY HAS HAPPENED IS THAT A D.E.A. AGENT

TRIED TO GET IN WITHOUT HIS PROPER CREDENTIALS,

AND THE SECURITY GUARD DID WHAT HE'S PAID TO DO,

WHICH IS TO SAY, "NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

GET OUT OF HERE."

IT WAS LED BY JOHN SMITH AGAIN.

(man) THAT'S THE--

THE SAME GUY WHO'S BEEN TOLD TO STOP DOING THIS

UNTIL CITY COUNCIL RECONVENES

AND WE PUT TOGETHER AN ORDINANCE.

HE FEELS HE'S RAMBO AGAIN.

AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW, NBC SHOWED UP.

KTLA SHOWED UP.

THE D.E.A. IS STILL INSIDE.

(Benson) THERE YOU GO! THERE YOU GO!

THERE HE IS, THE GREAT JOHN SMITH!

[people booing and applauding]

(Frye) THIS IS CALIFORNIA, BABY.

WE VOTED THIS IN. YOU'RE NOT WELCOME.

AND WE AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE.

(people chanting) GO AWAY, D.E.A.!

GO AWAY, D.E.A.! GO AWAY, D.E.A.!

(man) YOU HIT HIM!

(woman) OH, MY GOD!

[people yelling]

(man) THAT'S CALLED HIT AND RUN!

(Frye) YOU JUST HIT A PATIENT.

(man) SPECIAL AGENT JOHN SMITH, COME ON DOWN!

[people yelling]

(Frye) YOU DIDN'T EXPECT THIS.

(man) WE HAVE NO DEPARTMENT EMPLOYEES INVOLVED IN THIS.

(man) ARE THEY REALLY D.E.A.?

THEY'RE REAL D.E.A. OFFICERS, AGENTS, YES.

AND JOHN SMITH'S NOT UP THERE?

WE HAVE NO DEPARTMENT EMPLOYEES INVOLVED IN THIS INCIDENT.

(man) SO JOHN SMITH'S NOT IN THERE.

NO.

(man) AND HE'S NOT UP THERE EITHER?

ARE YOU SAYING JOHN SMITH ISN'T UP THERE?

I KNOW JOHN SMITH, OFFICER SMITH.

HE IS NOT THERE.

DOESN'T THE POLICE OR ANY LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIAL

THAT WANTS TO INVADE OUR SPACE HAVE TO HAVE A WARRANT TO DO SO?

I'M NOT GOING TO COMMENT ON THAT.

AND YOU WON'T COMMENT

ON WHETHER OR NOT THEY HAVE A WARRANT.

I'M NOT GOING TO COMMENT ON THAT.

(woman) OFFICER, WILL YOU BE LEAVING OFFICERS HERE?

(man) IF THEY DON'T HAVE A WARRANT, THEN THEY SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

OKAY.

THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON ITS NINTH HOUR.

WORD IS, IS THAT THE D.E.A. LOCKSMITHS

THAT WERE HERE THAT WE RAN AWAY

ARE GOING TO PROBABLY BE COMING BACK.

THE ISSUES THAT THEY'RE HAVING IS,

THEY NEED TO GET INTO THE SAFE, APPARENTLY, THAT'S UPSTAIRS.

AND WE ALSO HAVE WORD THAT, YEAH,

THEY DO HAVE A SEARCH WARRANT, BUT GUESS WHAT?

THERE'S NO SIGNATURE ON IT.

(woman) WHO SIGNED THE WARRANT?

WHAT JUDGE SIGNED THE WARRANT?

(man) WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW!

(Frye) THIS IS WHY WE WAITED ALL NIGHT:

BECAUSE WE KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

BUT THAT'S OKAY; WE HAVE IT ON FILM.

(man) GO BUST A METH LAB, YOU PUSSIES.

(man) GO DOWN THE STREET AND DO YOUR JOB, MAN.

(woman) THEIR JOB IS NOT IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA.

THEIR JOB IS TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA.

(Frye) YUP.

(narrator) SO ISN'T MARIJUANA LEGAL IN CALIFORNIA?

WELL, IT IS,

BUT THE LAW IS NOT RECOGNIZED BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

TO EXPLAIN, THE TENTH AMENDMENT TO THE BILL OF RIGHTS SAYS

THAT STATES HAVE THE RIGHT TO GOVERN THEMSELVES

WITH REGARD TO POWERS NOT GRANTED OR PROHIBITED

BY THE CONSTITUTION.

IN THE LAST CENTURY, MANY ISSUES HAVE CHALLENGED THIS AMENDMENT,

INCLUDING ABORTION, GAY MARRIAGE, AND GAMBLING.

AS OF TODAY, FEDERAL ANTIDRUG LAWS

ARE IN DIRECT CONFLICT

WITH LAWS IN CALIFORNIA AND SEVERAL OTHER STATES

THAT ALLOW PATIENTS LEGAL ACCESS TO MEDICAL MARIJUANA.

BYE, SPACE NEEDLE.

SO...

CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME ASSORTED NUTS?

[ticking]

(man) WELL, THE WHOLE IDEA

WAS THAT I WOULD HELP FACILITATE THE GROWTH OF SO MUCH MARIJUANA

THAT THE D.E.A. AND ALL THE AGENCIES IN THE UNITED STATES

WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO DESTROY IT

AT THE RATE I WOULD HELP CREATE IT

AND THAT, ULTIMATELY, I, ONE MAN, WOULD NEUTRALIZE

THE WORK OF THE ENTIRE D.E.A.

WITH THEIR MULTIBILLION-DOLLAR BUDGET.

(man) HE CALLS HIMSELF THE PRINCE OF POT,

BUT HE MAY BECOME THE PRINCE OF FEDERAL PRISON.

I JUST WAS WATCHING 60 MINUTES,

AND THERE'S, LIKE, A WHOLE STORY ABOUT MARC EMERY...

PRINCE OF POT.

YEAH, AND HOW THEY WANT TO, YOU KNOW,

EXTRADITE HIM AND ALL THAT.

THE GUY--I WOULD LOVE TO INTERVIEW THAT GUY.

[upbeat sitar music]

*

SEE, 'CAUSE I HAVE THIS IDEA THAT NONE OF THIS IS ANY GOOD

UNLESS YOU HAVE TO FACE TEMPTATION.

[laughs]

I'M JUST SAYING THERE'S NO VIRTUE WITHOUT TEMPTATION,

SO I JUST MAKE SURE--

I STILL GET TO SMELL IT.

THAT'S ONE THING THAT'S KIND OF NICE.

WELL, YOU SEE, EVEN THAT'S GIVING IN

TO A LITTLE BIT OF IT RIGHT THERE, EH?

SO I'M CORRUPTING YOU JUST BY BEING IN THE PROXIMITY.

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW, I'VE SEEN MORE GROW ROOMS

THAN ANYBODY ELSE ALIVE IN CANADA--I THINK 400 OR SO--

AND BEEN ARRESTED 22 TIMES, JAILED 17 TIMES,

RAIDED 6 TIMES-- ALL FOR POT, NOTHING UNSAVORY.

YOU KNOW, I, IF ANYTHING, HAVE A GOOD REASON

NEVER TO HAVE TO USE DRUGS,

AND, TYPICALLY, I ONLY EXPERIMENT

WITH THE PSYCHEDELICS ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS OR A YEAR

AND SMOKE POT, RIGHT?

AND I DON'T BELIEVE I HAVE ANY DRUG DEPENDENCIES.

AND HAVING TREATED DRUG ADDICTS,

I CAN SEE WHAT-- BY THE WAY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

OF THE 65 PEOPLE I TREATED, 60 OF THEM

DID NOT HAVE THEIR BIOLOGICAL FATHER IN THEIR LIFE

FOR ALL OR PART OF THEIR CHILDHOOD,

AND THAT, I FOUND, WAS THE MOST KEY, FUNDAMENTAL COMPONENT

OF EVERY SINGLE DRUG ADDICT, ALMOST,

IS THAT THEIR BIOLOGICAL FATHER WAS NOT THERE

FOR A LOT OF THEIR PREPUBESCENT LIFE.

I FOUND THAT POT MADE ME MORE PATIENT.

IT MADE ME A MORE CREATIVE LOVER AND A CREATIVE WRITER.

BUT IF YOU SMOKE POT, YOU GET MORE EXPANSIVE.

EXPLANATIONS GET LONGER.

WE PAID FOR THE SUPREME COURT CHALLENGE IN CANADA.

THEY GOT THE SUPREME COURT TO TRY AND MAKE POT LEGAL.

WE LOST SIX TO THREE, RIGHT?

EVERYBODY WANTS TO FUCK.

AS SOON AS YOU DISCOVER...

LET ME DRINK YOUR THING.

DON'T WORRY; MY COLD SORES AREN'T CONTAGIOUS.

THE THING ABOUT POT...

BUT I REMEMBER, FOR EXAMPLE,

WHEN I SHOT A PUCK THROUGH A WINDOW...

I FOUND THAT IT WAS A LOT EASIER TO RAISE KIDS AFTER A JOINT.

A LOT OF PEOPLE LIVE IN INNER CITIES.

YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD ENRICH OUR COMMUNITY

WITH MORE MONEY, MORE WEED, MORE EVERYTHING, RIGHT?

ARE YOU IN THE PERFORMANCE INDUSTRY?

YEAH, I'M A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

HOLY CRAP.

I FEEL LIKE I WENT THROUGH SOME SORT OF MARIJUANA GAUNTLET.

[people talking]

I KNOW HE'S NOT SMOKING,

AND HOW CAN YOU-- HOW CAN IT NOT BE AROUND?

THERE ARE UCB GUYS OUT THERE.

GO FIND THEM.

I'M NOT TALKING TO THAT CULT.

I'LL CALL WALSH.

HUEBEL'S PROBABLY GOT SOME.

AND THIS DUDE IN THE BUSHES HAS GOT SOME.

(man) THAT GUY'S GOT HELLA WEED.

HE'S TOTALLY SMOKING...

OR HE'S MAKING A CELL PHONE CALL.

I'M A FRIEND OF DOUG BENSON'S.

I'VE NEVER SMOKED POT IN MY LIFE.

I JUST NEVER DID IT.

NEVER--I'VE BEEN DRUNK ONCE

IN SEVENTH GRADE.

BUT I'VE BEEN TAKING ANTIDEPRESSANTS FOR 12 YEARS.

SO I DO HAVE A LID ON IT.

OH, AND I'VE KILLED SIX HOOKERS.

I'M NOT SAYING I'M A SAINT.

WE ALL HAVE OUR-- WE ALL SELF-MEDICATE.

(Benson) YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS A TREAT?

COOKIES MADE BY FAMOUS AMOS.

[laughter]

HAVE YOU GUYS HAD THOSE, FAMOUS AMOS COOKIES?

OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE DELICIOUS.

SO GOOD.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID, WE COULDN'T AFFORD THOSE.

THAT'S RIGHT; WE HAD TO EAT THE KNOCKOFF BRAND.

WE'D EAT COOKIES MADE BY HEINOUS ANUS.

[laughter]

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT; I DIDN'T CARE.

I DIDN'T GIVE A DAMN.

EVEN THOUGH I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD,

I ATE THEM UP...

[gobbling noises]

ONE AFTER THE OTHER,

'CAUSE EVERYTHING TASTES GREAT WHEN YOU'RE STONED.

LET ME ASK YOU GUYS...

[laughter]

A QUICK QUESTION.

ARE THERE ANY POT SMOKERS HERE TODAY?

ANY POT SMOKERS AT ALL?

[cheers and applause]

(man) IN YOUR LAST HOURS OF-- HOW URGENT--HOW--

IT'S--I DON'T FEEL--I DON'T FEEL ANY URGENCY AT ALL.

SO DOES THAT--DOES THAT BEG THE QUESTION

THAT MAYBE YOUR WHOLE EXISTENCE IS A MISTAKE?

YEAH, IT'S A LIE.

SHUT UP.

SHUT UP; IT'S MY TOAST.

ANYWAY, DOUG BENSON...

YES.

TO MANY MORE YEARS OF SOBRIETY.

NO, I'M GOING TO START SMOKING TOMORROW.

OKAY, WELL, THAT'S COOL.

[laughs]

[heartbeat]

[regal horn music]

*

WE'VE GOT THE VOLCANO.

WE'RE READY FOR ME TO MEDICATE AND START THIS THING.

BUT I NOTICED IT'S 4:00, AND I FELT--

(man) WE'LL WAIT TILL 4:20.

WE GOT TO START AT 4:20.

I GOT TO TAKE MY FIRST HIT AT 4:20.

BUT THAT'S HOW I AM.

LIKE, I--YOU KNOW, I'M EXCITED ABOUT GETTING HIGH,

BUT I CAN WAIT UNTIL THE COOLER TIME TO DO IT.

YOU SAID THIS THING WAS EASY.

OKAY, SO WHAT YOU DO IS, YOU PUT YOUR HERBS--

WHETHER THAT BE LAVENDER OR ROSEWOOD,

WHATEVER YOU'RE USING AS AN AROMATIC.

PLACE IT HERE ON THE GRINDER.

THEN YOU GRIND YOUR PLANT MATERIAL--

SHIT.

(Benson) OH, MY GOD.

THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.

OKAY, SO YOU GRIND YOUR PLANT MATERIAL...

RIGHT.

WHICH WE JUST SAW.

JESUS, ALEX.

GOOD LORD.

THIS IS MY WEED ALL OVER THE FLOOR NOW.

NOW I'M GOING TO BE SMOKING THE DUST.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO PUT THAT IN THE WEED.

THAT'S, LIKE, AN OLD ROACH ON THE GROUND.

(Campbell) ONE, TWO, THREE.

(Benson) MAN, YOU SHOULD GO ON, LIKE, MARTHA STEWART AND DO THIS.

YEAH, KNOCK MORE SHIT ON THE FLOOR, THOUGH.

IT'S ALL SET TO GO.

ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO ALL THAT.

I MIGHT JUST RESORT TO SMOKING IT.

I'M TELLING YOU, I THINK

THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER FOR YOU THAN SMOKING.

(Benson) 4:20.

I KNOW IT'S MUCH BETTER FOR ME,

BUT IT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS.

JUST PUSH IN ON IT, AND--

THAT'S...A HUGE RIP.

[sultry music]

RIGHT.

(man) * LET ME LOVE YOU

* LIKE I NEVER DID BEFORE.

* LET ME LOVE YOU

* NOW.

*

* LET ME HOLD YOU

* LIKE I NEVER DID BEFORE.

* AND YOU WON'T BE AFRAID

* WHEN I CALL YOUR NAME.

* LET ME LOVE YOU...

[laughter]

(woman) I LIKE IT.

I LIKE IT.

I LIKE ALL OF IT.

WAIT, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE.

YOU FUCKED ME UP HERE.

YOU'RE LIKE, "THESE AREN'T THE DROIDS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR."

I'M LIKE, "I LIKE IT NOW.

I LIKE ANTIPOT ADS."

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.

I HATE 'EM.

I HATE ANTIPOT ADS, 'CAUSE THEY COME ON LATE AT NIGHT

WHEN I'M SITTING AT HOME, TRYING TO RELAX,

SMOKE A JOINT, WATCH SOME TELEVISED ENTERTAINMENT.

SUDDENLY, A COMMERCIAL COMES ON WITH A BIG HEAVY MESSAGE LIKE,

"JUST TELL GRANDMA THAT YOU COULDN'T PICK HER UP

BECAUSE YOU GOT HIGH."

I'M WATCHING THAT, AND I'M THINKING,

"GOOD IDEA."

I'VE BEEN LYING TO GRANDMA FOR YEARS

ABOUT MY POT-SMOKING PROBLEM.

NOW I CAN FINALLY TELL HER THE TRUTH.

I CALL HER UP.

"GRANDMA, I CAN'T PICK YOU UP.

I JUST--I'VE BEEN USING MY NEW VAPORIZER."

[laughter]

(Silverman) WOW.

THIS IS FROM THE HEALTH CENTER.

I DON'T KNOW THIS.

NO, JUST HIT IT.

I JUST SUCK IT,

JUST DRAG IT IN.

IT'S READY.

DRAG IT.

THAT'S GOOD; YOU TASTE IT MORE.

YEAH, YEAH, IT'S DEFINITELY GOT A TASTE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAD A VAPORIZER FOR, LIKE, A DAY,

AND I LEFT IT AT ADAM CAROLLA'S HOUSE.

(man) YOU'RE BURNING ALL THE THC...

IT'S HEALTH-- IT'S, LIKE, VEGAN--

(man) YEAH, CALIFORNIA--

OH, DOUG!

I'M NOT YOUR CAT.

I DON'T HAVE A CAT.

[upbeat guitar music]

[exhales]

MMM!

ARE YOU EXCITED THAT THIS PLACE IS REOPENED?

WELL, I THINK, YOU KNOW, IT'S ONLY FAIR.

MY PRACTICE IS FOCUSED ON CRIMINAL DEFENSE,

SO IT'S UNFORTUNATE TO USE THE WORD

"CRIMINAL DEFENSE" IN THE SAME SENTENCE

AS, YOU KNOW, DEALING WITH PATIENTS,

BECAUSE THEY'VE CRIMINALIZED THIS.

YOU HAVE TO, YOU KNOW,

BASICALLY START FROM SCRATCH AGAIN.

THEIR COMPUTERS WERE ALL TAKEN AWAY.

ALL THEIR PATIENT RECORDS WERE TAKEN AWAY.

OH, THEY HAD TO GET EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

THEY HAD TO START-- THEIR PRODUCT WAS TAKEN.

AND HOW ARE THEY ABLE TO REOPEN?

WHAT HAD TO HAPPEN FOR THEM TO GET TO THIS POINT?

THEY'RE ABIDING BY THE LAWS HERE.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THERE'S A STATE LAW IN PLACE HERE.

THEY'RE NOT COMMITTING ANY KIND OF CRIMES HERE.

(Benson) COULD I GET A GRAM

OF THE PLATINUM O.G. KUSH?

MAYBE A KUSHBAR AND A MAUI WOWIE.

A CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH,

A KUSHBAR, AND A MAUI WOWIE.

CUCUMBER, WIRE, BOAT.

[instrumental music]

*

WELL, HELLO, DOUG.

HELLO.

SO TODAY

IS YOUR FIRST WEEK OF BEING BACK ON POT.

SO HOW ARE YOU DOING?

UM...

GREAT. [laughs]

IT'S KIND OF

A LITTLE BIT BACK TO NORMAL.

IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S FAIRLY IMPORTANT FOR YOU

TO COMMUNICATE TO ME

THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T CHANGE YOU VERY MUCH,

THAT YOU REALLY WANT ME TO HEAR THAT MESSAGE.

YEAH, IT PROBABLY SOUNDS DEFENSIVE TOO, A LITTLE BIT,

LIKE, "YEAH, I'M THE SAME GUY, YOU KNOW, EITHER WAY."

WOULD YOU MIND IF I SMOKED POT BEFORE OUR SESSIONS?

REALLY?

I'M JUST ASKING

HOW YOU WOULD FEEL IF I WERE TO DO IT.

I GUESS IT WOULD DEPEND ON HOW IT CHANGES YOU.

WHO KNOWS; YOU MIGHT SEEM

MORE INTERESTED IN ME IF YOU WERE HIGH,

WHICH WOULD MAKE ME LIKE IT MORE.

I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS WONDERING HOW MUCH YOU FELT

I WAS INTERESTED IN YOU AS IT IS.

[laughs]

YOU SEEM INTERESTED ENOUGH,

BUT THAT'S--

THAT'S THE THING ABOUT IT IS,

IT'S YOUR JOB, IS TO SEEM INTERESTED.

SEE, THIS IS WHY I WOULDN'T EVER PAY A THERAPIST,

'CAUSE THEY FUCKING MAKE YOU GO CRAZY.

HE SAYS TO ME, HE GOES, "WOULD YOU LIKE IT

IF I SMOKED POT SOMETIME BEFORE OUR SESSION?"

AND THEN, WHEN YOU START THAT KIND OF CONVERSATION

WITH A THERAPIST, IT JUST BECOMES HIM GOING,

"WELL, DO YOU WANT ME TO THINK THAT YOU THINK

THAT I WANT YOU TO BE HIGH WHILE I'M HIGH?"

YOU KNOW, IT GETS VERY CONVOLUTED,

AND I WAS ALREADY FUCKING HIGH.

[laughter]

AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT HE WASN'T.

BUT HERE'S THE THING.

I FIND THIS PLACE THAT'S, LIKE, RIGHT NEXT TO MY HOME,

AND THEY'RE DOING IT ON RELIGION.

THEY'RE DISTRIBUTING POT AS A RELIGIOUS MOVEMENT.

SO YOU DON'T NEED TO HAVE A--

SO YOU DON'T EVEN NEED A LICENSE.

YOU JUST GO IN AND BUY IT.

OKAY, GOT TO BE SERIOUS.

THIS IS CHURCH. IT'S TIME FOR CHURCH.

IN REVELATION, IT TALKS ABOUT A PLANT

FOR THE HEALING OF ALL NATIONS, WHICH CANNABIS IS.

SO WE'RE SELLING WEED FOR THE LORD

ON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD.

ALL RIGHT, WELCOME TO TEMPLE 420 SERVICES TODAY.

EVERYONE, DOUG BENSON WAS ON LAST COMIC STANDING,

AND WE INVITED HIM TO COME THE OTHER EVENING

TO OUR COMEDY.

BUT HE WASN'T SURE, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T FULLY BELIEVE IN GOD,

SO HE'S HERE TO COME TO THESE SERVICES

AND CHECK OUT TEMPLE 420, OUR 420 SERVICES.

(Silverman) HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN GOD?

(Benson) HE SAID IT SO MATTER-OF-FACTLY.

"AND HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN GOD."

SO, EVERYBODY, THERE'S GOING TO BE PUNCH, AND"--

(Craig X) THERE WILL BE PUNCH.

DO THE ATHEISTS GET PUNCH?

THE ATHEIST GETS PUNCH TOO,

RIGHT IN THE FACE, WITH THE TRUTH.

[laughter]

IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO OUR TEMPLE BEFORE,

WE'LL JUST LET YOU KNOW WE'RE A JUDEO-CHRISTIAN TEMPLE.

YOU HAPPEN TO BE ON SATURDAY,

SO WE HAVE THE OLD TESTAMENT, JEW-Y THING GOING ON.

IF YOU COME BACK TOMORROW,

WE GOT THE NEW TESTAMENT, ALL RIGHT?

SO FEEL FREE TO COME BACK ANY DAY.

SERVICES ARE ALWAYS AT 4:20.

I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU A JOKE,

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK ANY OF THE MATERIAL UP HERE TODAY

HAS BEEN AIMED AT YOU SPECIFICALLY.

I THINK YOU'LL REALLY ENJOY THIS JOKE.

WHY DID THE LITTLE STRAWBERRY CRY?

BECAUSE HIS MOTHER WAS IN A JAM.

[laughs] COME ON.

AND THEN THEY PUT WEED IN, AND EVERYBODY GOT REALLY HIGH.

SO, ANYWAY...

[laughter]

SO THIS GUY HAS SERVICES EVERY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY

AT 4:20, RIGHT?

AND WE WENT TODAY, AND IT WAS--

I BROUGHT, LIKE, THREE OR FOUR FRIENDS,

AND THEN THERE WERE SOME CHILDREN RUNNING AROUND

AND A COUPLE OTHER DUDES.

AND THERE WAS A WHOLE SERVICE BUILT AROUND WHY, YOU KNOW--

SINCE THE LORD IS GOOD AND WE LOVE THE LORD,

WEED.

[alarm beeping]

[soft rock music]

(man) * I'M FEELING OLDER.

* A DIFFERENT TIME, ANOTHER SHOW. *

THAT'S REAL NICE.

THAT'S REAL GOOD.

I ALREADY SEE A STAR IS GOING TO BE THE FIRST ONE.

I'M ALREADY FEELING IT.

(Underdown) AND, DOUG, WHAT'S YOUR GUESS?

I'M GOING TO GUESS STAR.

(Underdown) FIRST GUESS IS STAR.

SECOND CARD.

HOLDING IT UP.

(Benson) I'M GOING TO GUESS SQUARE.

(Underdown) SQUARE.

THIRD GUESS. HOLD IT UP.

TRIANGLE.

FOURTH GUESS.

HOLD IT UP.

(Benson) CIRCLE.

(Underdown) SEVEN RIGHT THIS TIME.

THE FIRST TIME, YOU GOT ONE RIGHT.

SO YOU'VE DONE SEVEN TIMES BETTER.

HOWEVER, SINCE YOU ONLY GOT 7 OUT OF 25, YOU DON'T--

THERE'S NO EVIDENCE OF PSYCHIC ABILITY.

(Escalante) HOW ABOUT MEDICAL PROSTITUTION?

'CAUSE THAT'S SOMETHING THAT I WOULD BE INTERESTED IN,

AND I'D LIKE TO-- I DON'T SMOKE POT,

AND I'LL JOIN YOUR FIGHT IF YOU'LL JOIN MINE.

YOU'LL--YEAH, I'LL JOIN YOUR FIGHT.

THAT'S AN AWESOME FIGHT.

WE'RE GOING TO FIGHT PROSTITUTES?

LIKE, I'M HAVING TROUBLE FOLLOWING THIS;

I SMOKE A LOT OF POT.

MEDICAL PROSTITUTION, JUST FOR--I NEED--

I REALIZE PROSTITUTION IS ILLEGAL,

BUT I NEED IT FOR MEDICAL PURPOSES.

I THINK MARIJUANA'S

A MUCH, MUCH, MUCH MORE VICTIMLESS CRIME

THAN PROSTITUTION, 'CAUSE, UNFORTUNATELY,

THE WOMEN THAT DO THE PROSTITUTING

GOT THERE SOMEHOW THAT WAS PROBABLY TERRIBLE.

AND YOU SHOULD TALK TO THE GUY THAT YOU HAVE TO KNOW

TO GET THE PROSTITUTE TOO.

HE'S WAY WORSE THAN YOUR GUY.

IT'S--YEAH, MY GUY'S NEVER--

I'VE NEVER HAD A DEALER SLAP ME AROUND...

(woman) NOT YET.

AND TELL ME TO WAIT IN THE CAR.

(man) WELCOME TO MINNEAPOLIS.

THANKS.

WHAT'S THE PROPER WAY TO ADDRESS YOU? SENATOR?

THAT OR JOHN OR-- I DON'T CARE; WHATEVER YOU WISH.

SENATOR JOHN.

I BELIEVE YOU'RE THE FIRST POLITICIAN

THAT'S BEEN WILLING TO SPEAK ON CAMERA

ABOUT THIS SUBJECT.

I WAS CO-AUTHOR

OF SEVERAL MEDICAL MARIJUANA BILLS

JUST BECAUSE I SEE AND TALK TO ENOUGH PEOPLE

WHO WERE USING IT

FOR MEDICAL PURPOSES.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I PROBABLY--

PERFECT EXAMPLE OF ONE WHO NEVER TRIED A CIGARETTE,

NEVER SMOKED A JOINT,

HASN'T DONE SO AND DON'T INTEND TO DO SO.

AND I JUST THINK THAT THE IDEA

THAT GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO STEP IN THERE

AND TELL EVERY DOCTOR AND EVERY PATIENT,

NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY'RE HURTING,

THAT "WE'RE NOT GOING TO LET YOU DO THIS

"BECAUSE WE HAVE THIS OTHER FEAR

THAT'S NOTHING RELATED TO WHAT YOU'RE DOING."

IF YOU SEE, IF YOU TALK WITH SOMEBODY WHO'S SUFFERING

AND THEY--YOU KNOW, THIS MAKES A DIFFERENCE,

I DON'T CARE WHAT FEAR YOU HAVE;

IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU GOT TO TRY AND DO THE RIGHT THING.

PEOPLE THAT NEED MARIJUANA, THEY'RE NOT DOING IT

BECAUSE IT'S FUN, IT'S ENJOYABLE, IT'S EXCITING.

IT'S SOMETHING THAT NO OTHER MEDICATION,

WHETHER PRESCRIBABLE OR NOT, CAN DELIVER WHAT MARIJUANA DOES

AND CAN PROVIDE ME WITH THE QUALITY OF LIFE.

WELL, THE FIRST TIME I TRIED IT WAS WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY 17.

I DIDN'T TRY IT ANY EARLIER THAN THAT.

AND I JUST--THE FIRST TIME I WENT THROUGH CHEMOTHERAPY

WAS WHEN I WAS 17.

AND IT WAS ACTUALLY MY MOM AND MY BEST FRIEND AT THE TIME

GOT ME A LITTLE BAG AND SAID, "DO IT."

AND IT HELPED TREMENDOUSLY, LIKE, WITH ANXIETY, WITH PAIN,

WITH EVERYTHING.

PERSONALLY, I LOOK AT YOU GUYS,

AND I SAY YOU DON'T NEED IT, RIGHT?

BUT I'M NOT A DOCTOR, OKAY?

IF YOU WENT TO A DOCTOR

AND A DOCTOR HAS SAT DOWN WITH YOU

AND HE'S WILLING TO PUT HIS LICENSE ON THE LINE

TO SAY THAT YOU GUYS NEED IT,

NOBODY ELSE CAN TELL YOU WHETHER YOU NEED IT OR NOT

JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU NEED IT.

YOU KNOW, THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE ACCEPT ME FOR USING IT

IS 'CAUSE THEY SEE ME IN A CHAIR.

EXHIBIT "A."

EXHIBIT "B."

EXHIBIT "C."

[laughs]

(man) * NO MORE WILL I BE AFRAID.

(Benson) THERE'S A COMMERCIAL ON NOW--

IT'S THE ABSOLUTE WORST ONE--

WHERE A YOUNG TEENAGED LADY, GIRL

IS MELTING INTO A COUCH.

SHE'S PHYSICALLY MELTING.

HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

HER BODY IS TRANSFORMING.

SHE'S LIKE:

SHE'S MELTING, AND THERE'S A GIRL SITTING NEXT TO HER GOES,

"SHE SMOKES POT."

[laughter]

"THIS IS WHAT SHE'S BEEN LIKE

"EVER SINCE SHE STARTING SMOKING POT.

THIS IS ALL WE EVER DO."

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, THE GIRL WHO DOESN'T SMOKE POT,

NOT EXACTLY THE MOST FUCKING SPARKLING PERSONALITY

IN THE WORLD.

HOW MUCH OF A LOSER DO YOU HAVE TO BE

TO BE THE PERSON THAT'S MORE BORING THAN THE STONER

AND HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO

THAN SIT AND WATCH THE STONER MELT

AND NOT EVEN FUCKING CALL 911...

[laughter]

OR EVEN 411 TO SAY, "I'VE GOT SOME INTERESTING INFORMATION"?

[laughs]

SO THE GIRL'S MELTING INTO THE COUCH.

LET'S PICK UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF.

THE GIRL'S MELTING.

AND, AS A POT SMOKER, I'M NOT DETERRED.

I'M WATCHING THAT COMMERCIAL GOING,

"HOW DO I GET A HOLD OF SOME OF THAT WEED?"

[laughter]

"THAT IS SOME AMAZING SHIT

"THAT I WOULD LIKE TO TRY.

"I HAVE BEEN SMOKING THE CAN'T-FIND-MY-KEYS WEED,

"AND SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD,

"THERE IS SOME MELTING-INTO-THE-COUCH SHIT.

"THAT WOULD BE AN INCREDIBLE RIDE.

"PLUS, IF I MELT INTO THE COUCH, MAYBE I'D FIND MY KEYS.

IT WOULD BE A WIN-WIN SITUATION."

SO THIS IS WHAT ONE GUY GAVE ME LAST NIGHT,

THIS REALLY NICE FELLOW

WHO SAID HE HEARD ME ON THE RADIO YESTERDAY MORNING,

AND HE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND WERE LIKE,

"WE HAVE TO GO SEE HIM."

THIS, I GOT FROM SOMEONE ELSE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE NAMED.

AND THIS ONE, I GOT FROM SOMEONE--

YET A THIRD PARTY WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE NAMED.

AND WE JUST MADE A BLEND OF ALL THREE

AND ENJOYED IT BEFORE OUR DAY AT MALL OF AMERICA.

[rock music]

*

LAST TIME I WAS HERE IN BEAUTIFUL MINNEAPOLIS,

I, YOU KNOW, WENT TO GO GET MY FLIGHT OUT ON SUNDAY,

AND I'M WALKING AROUND THE TERMINAL.

I CAN'T FIND MY GATE, CAN'T FIND MY GATE.

HOURS GO BY, HOURS.

AND THEN I FINALLY REALIZE I'M AT MALL OF AMERICA.

[laughter]

I WROTE THAT JOKE TODAY WHEN I WAS HIGH

AT MALL OF AMERICA.

(man) THIS IS THE BROWNIE PORTION OF THE EXAM.

YOU MAY BEGIN.

[bell dings]

I'M TOTALLY GOING TO LOSE A LOT OF POINTS

FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO OPEN IT.

I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND NOT TRY.

UH!

UH!

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN FEELING?

WHAT HAS YOUR MOOD BEEN LIKE IN THE LAST WEEK?

MOSTLY GOOD.

WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR MOOD

AS EUPHORIC?

YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD WORD FOR IT.

DOES ANYBODY WANT TO COME UP HERE

AND GET HIGH WITH DOUG?

COME ON UP.

[applause]

ANYONE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO DIDN'T WANT

TO COME UP HERE AND GET HIGH WITH DOUG

CAN GET HIGH IN THE AUDIENCE...

AND TRY TO GET THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU HIGH.

THIS IS ALREADY PACKED, SO--

OH, YOU WANT TO GET HER HIGH.

I'LL JUST GET HER HIGH; I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

"THAT'S AMERICA," SOMEONE YELLS OUT.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

AMERICA.

YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

YOU'RE WELCOME VERY MUCH.

YOU KIDDING ME?

(Roberts) OKAY, SO--

OKAY, DOUG'S GOING TO GET A LITTLE MORE HIGH.

THAT WAS A PRETTY BIG HIT THERE.

YOU MAY HAVE YOUR SENSIBILITIES OFFENDED RIGHT NOW,

BUT YOU ARE NOT BEING MADE TO SMOKE DOPE.

WE'VE GOT A PRETTY GOOD VENTILATION SYSTEM.

IT'S MOSTLY GOING UP.

UPSTAIRS, THEY'LL BE COMPLETELY HIGH.

WE VENT RIGHT INTO THE APARTMENTS ABOVE,

SO, YEAH--

I'M ALLERGIC TO WEED.

[laughter]

THE IDEA OF THE PIECE IS THAT MYSELF AND ROB RIGGLE

ARE OFFICERS, UNDERCOVER OFFICERS.

YEAH, EVERYBODY LAUGHING IT UP AT COMEDY.

YEAH, YEAH.

PEOPLE SMOKING GRASS.

YOU GUYS, WHAT'S THAT?

(Riggle) OH, SHIT.

WHAT IS THIS?

EVERYBODY KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

IT'S GRASS.

THAT'S A POUND OF GRASS.

THAT'S A POUND OF GRASS.

(Riggle) STREET VALUE: $200 MILLION.

$200 MILLION!

[laughter]

PICK ANY PROBLEM.

WHAT'S THE NUMBER ONE REASON FOR DIVORCE?

(Riggle) MARIJUANA.

ABORTIONS.

MARIJUANA.

VOLCANOES.

MARIJUANA.

WHO CAUSED HURRICANE KATRINA?

MARIJUANA!

WHY DO PEOPLE BECOME JEWISH?

MARIJUANA.

[man over intercom] SAN BRUNO. THIS STATION IS SAN BRUNO.

(man) SO, WELL, ANYWAY, WELCOME TO OAKSTERDAM.

(Benson) THANK YOU. I LOVE IT.

ISN'T IT AWESOME?

IT'S REALLY GREAT.

I USUALLY DESCRIBE IT AS...

THE COUNTERCULTURAL VISION OF DOWNTOWN REDEVELOPMENT

FOR OAKLAND.

MY NAME'S RICHARD LEE,

AND I'M THE OWNER OF THE BULLDOG COFFEE SHOP

AND THE OAKSTERDAM GIFT SHOP

AND THE PUBLISHER OF THE OAKSTERDAM NEWS.

THIS WAS THE FIRST PLACE, SO IT'S MATURED,

AND THINGS ARE--YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE FIRST PLACE

TO ISSUE PERMITS.

SO I THINK IT'S A LOT MORE MATURE

THAN THE OTHER PLACES THAT ARE JUST NOW GETTING CLUBS

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

IF YOU TRY TO FIGURE OUT THE OVERALL CANNABIS MARKET...

(narrator) ANALYSTS RANK CANNABIS

AS THE NUMBER ONE CASH CROP IN AMERICA,

WELL ABOVE COTTON, WHEAT, AND TOBACCO,

WITH CALIFORNIA RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE-THIRD

OF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY'S CANNABIS SUPPLY.

IN 2006 ALONE, ESTIMATED SALES FROM CALIFORNIA CANNABIS

EXCEEDED $12 BILLION.

IF TAXED, THESE SALES COULD HAVE EASILY GENERATED

OVER $1 BILLION IN GOVERNMENT REVENUE.

IT'S, LIKE, GOING TO BE THE NEW LOTTERY FOR CALIFORNIA.

EXACTLY, THAT'S WHAT I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE, EVENTUALLY.

IT'S GOING TO BE A LOT LIKE GAMBLING.

(man) SR-71 IS THE FIRST STEALTH AIRPLANE,

SO WE LIKE TO THINK OF OURSELF AS A STEALTH COFFEE SHOP

FLYING BELOW THE FEDERAL RADAR.

WE HAVE OUR MEDIUM OVER HERE ON OUR SECOND PAGE.

WE JUST KEEP OUT ONE MEDIUM AT A TIME,

JUST USUALLY MEDIUM- AND HIGH-GRADE.

WE GOT OUR PRICES RIGHT HERE NEXT TO THE WEIGHTS

SO YOU KIND OF KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WORKING WITH.

WE KEEP ALL THREE HIGH-GRADES AT A TIME.

YOU CAN ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO TAKE THEM OUT.

YOU CAN SMELL THEM, SQUEEZE THEM,

WHATEVER HELPS YOU MAKE A DECISION.

LET ME ASK--YOU GOING TO SMOKE A SPLIFF, MA'AM?

ALL RIGHT.

DO WE HAVE ANY MARIJUANA SMOKERS HERE IN THE PARK TODAY?

[scattered cheers and applause]

ANY LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS HERE IN THE PARK TODAY?

[laughter]

I ASKED THOSE IN THE WRONG ORDER.

(Glazier) I'M A GARDENER, A LANDSCAPER,

SO I LIKE TO HELP AIDS AND CANCER PATIENTS

GROW THEIR OWN MEDICINE

TO KEEP THE PRICE DOWN

AND TO JUST DECENTRALIZE THE WHOLE ECONOMY.

WELL, OAKSTERDAM IS BASICALLY A PRIVATE JOKE

THAT A FEW AIDS PATIENTS USED TO CHUCKLE ABOUT

WHEN THE FIRST MARIJUANA CLUB CAME HERE.

AND MOST OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE NOW DEAD.

MOST OF THE ORIGINAL PATIENTS FROM OAKSTERDAM HAVE DIED.

IT'S CALLED INDOLE-3-BUTYRIC ACID.

IT'S BASICALLY--IT'S A HORMONE.

WHAT IT DOES IS, IT SOFTENS UP THE PLANT TISSUE,

AND IT SORT OF STERILIZES IT AT THE SAME TIME.

AND WHAT'LL HAPPEN IS, AFTER A FEW DAYS,

THE TISSUE'S SOFT, AND LITTLE ROOTS WILL PUSH OUT,

AND IT BECOMES ITS OWN LITTLE PLANT.

THESE WERE TAKEN ON THE 15th. TODAY'S THE 22nd.

SO IN SEVEN DAYS, WE HAVE CREATED LIFE.

SO YOU CAN SEE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INDICA OVER THERE

AND SATIVA HERE.

THIS ONE'S INDICA?

RIGHT.

SEE, SHORT, SQUAT. BIG, FAT LEAVES.

THIS IS TALL, MORE BRANCHY.

THINNER LEAF.

THIS IS ACTUALLY A HYBRID; IT'S NOT PURE SATIVA.

IF IT WAS PURE SATIVA,

IT'D BE EVEN THINNER AND BLANKIER.

THE WORST MOVIE TO SEE WHEN YOU'RE HIGH,

THE WORST ONE EVER, I THINK, IS A MOTION PICTURE

CALLED SUPER HIGH ME.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I JUST FUCKED UP MY OWN JOKE.

SUPER SIZE ME-- FORGET--

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY.

[cheers and applause]

MARIJUANA PEACE WAS A LOT OF THINGS.

THIS IS DENNIS PERON,

FOUNDER OF THE MEDICAL MARIJUANA CLUB MOVEMENT

AND MANY, MANY THINGS.

APRIL 14, 1994.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS DAY, 'CAUSE THE DAY BEFORE,

YOU CALLED US ALL UP AND SAID,

"WE'RE GOING TO GET ARRESTED TOMORROW."

(Peron) THE CHIEF OF POLICE HAD CALLED ME THAT DAY,

SAID HE WAS GOING IN, BUSTING US.

I SAYS, "LOOK, CHIEF.

"YOU CAN COME IN. YOU CAN BUST US.

"BUT YOU REMEMBER STONEWALL?

"THESE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO FIGHT BACK.

THEY'RE NOT JUST GOING TO LAY DOWN."

IN THE END, WE KNEW WE'D WIN,

AND IT'S A GOOD THING THAT WE WROTE IT FOR THE PEOPLE,

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE--

IT'S GOT A LOT OF HOLES IN IT, THEY SAY.

YOU KNOW, THEY SAY IT'S VERY LOOSELY WORDED.

(Shaw) PIONEER LAW.

YOU KNOW, THEY SAY, "ALMOST ANYBODY CAN GET IT

"WITH THIS LAW.

DON'T VOTE FOR IT," BUT...

IT WAS DONE IN THE NAME OF MY DEAD FRIEND,

MY DEAD BROTHERS AND SISTERS WHO DIED OF AIDS.

OUT OF ALL THAT PAIN, ALL THAT SORROW,

SOMETHING GOOD WOULD HAPPEN.

THAT HAD TO BE THE SUM OF THEIR LIFE,

THAT THE WORLD CHANGED.

(Benson) YOU KNOW, A LOT OF COMEDIANS

WORK REALLY HARD ON THEIR JOKES.

BUT WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING...

[laughter]

IS SMOKING A LOT OF POT.

SO I'VE BEEN HIGH, PROBABLY, ABOUT 22 HOURS--

NO, NOT-- WELL, MORE LIKE 18 HOURS A DAY.

I PROBABLY GET SOBER DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

FOR A FEW HOURS.

AND IT'S PROBABLY GOING TO PROVE NOTHING.

[laughter]

AND WEIRD LAUGHS IN THE AUDIENCE.

"HA HA!

"HA HA!

"AH!

"THIS GUY'S LIVING IN A CARTOON WORLD.

"HE'S GOT A CARTOON APARTMENT.

HA HA!"

MUIR WOODS, NORTH OF SAN FRANCISCO,

HOME OF THE MIGHTY REDWOOD.

LET'S ENJOY IT TOGETHER, SHALL WE?

THEY REALLY TOOK THE TREAT OUT OF RICE CRISPY TREAT.

THIS THING TASTES HORRIBLE.

HOW'S IT GOING?

(man) EXPRESS YOURSELF THERE.

FUCK THIS FIRST AMENDMENT AREA.

[laughter]

I KNOW THIS GUY WHO HAS A DOG THAT CAN TALK.

YOU CAN ASK-- YOU CAN ASK THE DOG--

[laughter]

YOU CAN ASK-- THIS IS SERIOUS.

YOU CAN ASK THE DOG ANYTHING YOU WANT,

AND THEN IT'LL ANSWER, TALKING-STYLE.

SO I GO--I GO--

I GO, "WHAT'S THE THING ON TOP OF A HOUSE?"

AND THE DOG GOES, "ROOF!"

I'M LIKE, "OKAY,

WHO'S THE GREATEST BASEBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME?"

AND THE DOG GOES, "RUTH!"

I'M LIKE, "OKAY, THAT'S GOOD."

NAME A TOURIST ATTRACTION IN THE SAN FRANCISCO AREA.

"WHARF!"

[laughter]

AND THEN I'M LIKE, "BE MORE SPECIFIC."

"FISHERMAN'S WHARF!"

[laughter]

THIS IS DAY 23 OF A PROJECT THAT I'M WORKING ON

CALLED SUPER HIGH ME.

I'M SMOKING POT ALL DAY EVERY DAY FOR 30 DAYS,

STARTING FROM WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING

TO WHEN I GO TO BED AT NIGHT.

AND IT HAS BEEN AWESOME.

[laughter]

I THINK--YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK THIS MONTH THAT YOU WEREN'T STONED,

I THINK YOU HAVE A POT GLAND IN YOUR BODY NOW,

AND IT JUST RELEASES POT WHEN YOU GO WITHOUT.

YOU HAVE--IT'S LIKE A CAMEL HUMP,

AND YOU DON'T SEE IT.

AND SO THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE, YOU'RE JUST STONED.

IT'S JUST

SUPER HIGH ME FOR 60 GODDAMN DAYS,

BUT YOU'RE NOT--WHAT IT IS IS, "OH, I'M GOING TO SPEND A MONTH

"NOT SMOKING IT.

"I'M JUST GOING TO GET IT FROM MY GLAND IN MY NECK

WHERE I KEEP EXTRA POT IN CASE OF AN APOCALYPSE."

HOW GREAT WOULD IT BE IF THE LAST THING IN THE MOVIE

IS THAT IT BURSTS OUT OF MY HEAD?

AND IT LOOKS LIKE TOMMY CHONG,

A LITTLE--YOU GROW ANOTHER--

[Benson imitating Chong] "I WAS IN YOUR HEAD, MAN.

"WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ROOM FOR A DUDE IN YOUR HEAD, MAN."

[laughter]

"I WAS FUCKING CRAMPED, MAN.

YOU GOT ANY WEED?"

DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS TO MAKE THAT LEAP

TO HAVING A DOCTOR GIVE YOU THE THING

SO YOU CAN JUST GO IN DISPENSARIES AND...

I DON'T KNOW.

BUY AMAZING WEED?

THEN MY NAME'S ON SOME LIST SOMEWHERE.

THAT'S TRUE.

RIGHT?

(man) THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE THINK.

WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO REALLY TRACK DOWN--

I DON'T KNOW IF THERE IS A LIST THAT EXISTS,

BUT UP HERE, IT SEEMS LIKE THERE WOULD BE.

BUT, YOU KNOW, COULDN'T THEY JUST--

WOULDN'T THEY JUST PENCIL YOUR NAME IN

IF THEY EVER SEE YOU ANYWHERE DOING ANYTHING?

WELL, THAT'S TRUE, YEAH.

[laughs]

YOU'RE PRETTY OPEN ABOUT IT.

BUT I DON'T HAVE A TON OF MATERIAL ABOUT IT, BUT--

UH-UH.

I DID TALK--I DID SAY I SMOKED POT ON CONAN,

SO THAT'S PROBABLY NOT THE SMARTEST THING.

[laughter]

PEOPLE WATCH THAT, RIGHT?

FEDS LOVE CONAN.

BUT LET ME ASK YOU THIS:

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT MARIJUANA IN A PILL?

SO WHAT'S THIS--

LIKE, COCOA KRISPIES THAT ARE FULL OF WEED?

CUCUMBER, BOAT, WIRE.

I STILL GOT IT.

WE'RE GOING TO DO THAT MINI MENTAL STATUS THINGY,

BUT WHAT'S--

YOU KNOW--

CUCUMBER, BOAT, WIRE?

OH, NO, THIS TIME, IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

OKAY, GOOD.

SEE, I KNEW YOU'D REVIEW THE TAPE,

SO, BASICALLY, I CHANGED IT.

I CHANGED IT ALL COMPLETELY AROUND.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO LOOK AT THE TAPE.

I'VE BEEN OBSESSED WITH CUCUMBER, BOAT, WIRE

SINCE IT HAPPENED,

'CAUSE NOBODY REMEMBERS.

BUT IF IT'S STILL THREE WORDS, I'M GOING TO BE GOOD--

I'M GOING TO BE AWARE ENOUGH

TO BE ABLE TO GET IT RIGHT,

EVEN THOUGH I'M...MEDICATED.

YES, YOU ARE MEDICATED.

[laughter]

(cooing) "YES, YOU ARE.

LITTLE MEDICATED PATIENT."

YOU SOUND MORE MEDICATED THAN YOU DID LAST TIME.

THIS IS A QUESTIONNAIRE ABOUT POT

THAT I DEVISED FOR THIS MOVIE

TO JUST ASK RANDOM PEOPLE

TO SEE HOW MUCH THEY KNOW ABOUT POT

AND THE SITUATION WITH POT IN AMERICA TODAY.

HERE WE GO.

EAST BAY, FIRST QUESTION.

WHAT PERCENTAGE OF AMERICANS SMOKE POT?

80%.

EXCELLENT GUESS; IT'S 99%.

[laughter]

VERY CLOSE, THOUGH.

DO YOU SMOKE POT?

NOT RECENTLY.

YES. NO.

ABOUT FOUR OR FIVE TIMES A YEAR.

NO. WELL, IT DEPENDS ON, LIKE--

[laughter]

WRITE THAT DOWN AS A "YES."

NO. OCCASIONALLY.

OCCASIONALLY? NO.

YES, I DO. DO YOU SMOKE POT?

YES.

WELCOME TO THE MAJORITY.

OKAY, THREE WORDS.

CAB, AVOCADO, BRICK.

CAB, AVOCADO, BRICK.

PERFECT.

NOW, COUNT BACK FROM 100, SUBTRACTING 7.

SO START WITH 100, AND TELL ME WHAT'S--

93. UH-HUH.

[laughs] COME ON.

93.

82.

OKAY.

73.

MM-HMM.

IS THAT RIGHT?

KEEP GOING.

JESUS.

73, 64.

DO YOU THINK POT IS ADDICTIVE?

YES. WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.

I QUIT SMOKING POT FOR 30 DAYS,

AND NOW I'M SMOKING POT AGAIN.

SO YOU'RE WRONG.

DO I SEEM HIGH TO YOU RIGHT NOW?

MAYBE A LITTLE.

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.

I'M TOTALLY HIGH RIGHT NOW.

[laughter]

AT WHAT--THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE

AT THIS JUNCTURE.

AT WHAT AGE DO YOU THINK IT'S OKAY FOR KIDS

TO START GETTING HIGH?

UH, 18?

MAYBE, LIKE, 16.

7. 14.

18. 18.

AS SOON AS YOU CAN USE THE LIGHTER.

18. 18?

30.

I THINK THEY NEED TO TALK TO THEIR PARENTS FIRST.

27, ACTUALLY.

27.

OKAY, WHAT ARE THOSE THREE WORDS THAT WE TALKED ABOUT BEFORE?

CAB, AVOCADO, BRICK.

YOU SCORED!

EXCELLENT. ALL RIGHT.

YOU GOT 24 THIS TIME.

AND LAST TIME...

YOU GOT 27.

SO OVER 22 IS STILL NORMAL,

BUT YOU BARELY GOT IT.

CAB, AVOCADO, BRICK-- YOU WERE JUST WAITING FOR THAT.

YOUR--ACTUALLY, IT'S INTERESTING.

YOUR MATHEMATICAL FUNCTIONS COMPLETELY ARE GONE.

I MEAN, YOU REALLY-- THE SERIALS SEVENS,

YOU KIND OF COMPLETELY GOT YOURSELF--

SERIAL SEVENS.

SEE, THAT'S WHAT I DID IS,

I SWITCHED IT TO SERIAL NINES PARTWAY FOR SOME REASON.

WHAT'S THE CHEMICAL NAME

FOR THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT IN POT?

TETRAHYDROCANNABINOL.

NO, IT'S AN APPLE.

[laughter]

WHAT'S--OH, WAIT; THAT'S THE ANSWER TO THE NEXT ONE.

[laughter]

WHAT'S THE BEST FRUIT TO TURN INTO A PIPE?

AN APPLE. AN APPLE.

APPLE, YES.

[laughter]

WHAT DO YOU CHARGE FOR AN EIGHTH?

THE GOOD STUFF OR THE BAD STUFF?

HA HA! I GOT YOU!

SAY HELLO TO OFFICER BENSON.

[laughter]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HIGH AT WORK?

IF SO, WHAT DO YOU DO? IF NOT, WHY NOT?

UM...

YOU CAN TAKE THE FIFTH.

HOW MANY-- OR TAKE AN EIGHTH.

HOW MANY PRESIDENTS-- BOOM.

YOU KNOW, IN TERMS OF PHYSICAL HARM,

AT THIS STAGE OF THE GAME, ZIPPO.

DO YOU FEEL, THOUGH,

LIVING LIKE THIS IS SUSTAINABLE?

IN OTHER WORDS, FOR YOUR CAREER,

YOU KNOW, SMOKING--

I THINK I COULD GET AWAY WITH IT

BUT THAT I DON'T INTEND TO.

WHY?

BECAUSE--

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT

I'D BE SICK OF SMOKING POT

AT THE END OF THE 30 DAYS, AND IT TURNS OUT I'M NOT.

IT'S BEEN GREAT.

BUT I'VE BEEN HAVING PEOPLE DRIVE ME AROUND EVERYWHERE.

[woman over speaker] YOU ARE FREE TO GO.

HOWEVER, REMEMBER, IF YOU LEFT A GREEN-TAG ITEM

AT THE BAGGAGE STAND,

PLEASE WAIT FOR IT HERE AT THE JET BRIDGE

OFF THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE WITHOUT CAUSING A TRAFFIC JAM.

HAVE A GREAT AFTERNOON.

OW!

MY NAME IS DOUG BENSON, AND I AM SUPER HIGH.

[low note]

[laughs]

CALIFORNIA'S A MEDICAL MARIJUANA STATE.

[scattered cheers]

SO I GOT MY LICENSE.

I GOT A FUCKING LICENSE TO SMOKE POT.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO A TEST OR ANYTHING.

I JUST HAD TO GO, "IT HURTS ME IN MY BACK."

"HERE YOU GO.

I'M A DOCTOR; HERE YOU GO."

AND I'M LIKE, "$200."

AND NOW I HAVE A LICENSE THAT SAYS I CAN SMOKE POT.

NO ONE HERE HAS THAT, NOT IN IDAHO.

BUT YOU SHOULD,

'CAUSE THIS PLACE IS AWESOME.

[man sneezes]

MOST--BLESS YOU.

YOU GUYS ARE ALLERGIC TO THE TRUTH.

[laughter]

AND I'M STANDING ON MY OWN JACKET.

I'M SCARED.

IT'S SCARY TO BE IN A STATE THAT DOESN'T--

THAT IT'S, YOU KNOW, COOL WITH IT.

I MEAN, NOT THAT-- YOU KNOW, CALIFORNIA,

IT'S LEGAL ON A STATE LEVEL.

BUT ON THE FEDERAL LEVEL, IT'S STILL ILLEGAL,

SO A FED COULD SWEEP IN AND FUCKING BE LIKE, "NUH-UH."

beep!

[man on answering machine] THE PHARMACY IS BEING RAIDED

RIGHT NOW, AS OF ABOUT THREE MINUTES AGO.

CALL ME BACK.

ULTIMATELY, IT COMES DOWN TO THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

TO DECIDE WHAT IS AND IS NOT LEGAL.

MARIJUANA IS ILLEGAL IN ANY FORM UNDER FEDERAL LAW.

FEDERAL DRUG AGENTS RAIDED

11 MEDICAL MARIJUANA OUTLETS TODAY IN L.A. COUNTY.

THE D.E.A. AGENTS

SWOOPED DOWN ON L.A. CLINICS

BECAUSE FEDERAL AUTHORITIES DON'T RECOGNIZE CALIFORNIA'S LAW

THAT ALLOWS MEDICAL USE OF MARIJUANA.

YESTERDAY, D.E.A. AGENTS APPLIED SEARCH WARRANTS

AND WENT INTO 11 FACILITIES HERE IN LOS ANGELES.

(man) YEAH, THEY'VE BLOCKED OFF THE ROAD,

AND PEOPLE ARE GETTING OFF.

I'M GOING TO GET OUT.

(Benson) LET'S GO.

(woman) THEY TOOK ALL OF THE MEDICATION AND PATIENT RECORDS

IN ALL OF THESE FACILITIES.

THE CLIMATE OF FEAR IS VERY REAL.

(Walker Young) * OH, I SAID PLEASE DON'T TEAR ME DOWN. *

* I'M JUST NOW STANDING UP.

* I'VE MADE SOME BIG MISTAKES. *

* I WANNA GET FUCKED UP JUST LIKE I USED TO DO *

* WITH MY DADDY PRESIDENT.

* I WILL BREAK ALL THE RULES.

* OH, I WILL HAVE NO REGRETS, *

* 'CAUSE I AM PRESIDENT NOW.

* YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT,

* A DUMB GOOD OL' BOY COULD EVER ACHIEVE IT, *

* POLITICS AND FAME, FAME AND DISASTER. *

* LET'S GO TO WAR. I'LL SHOW YOU THE MASTER. *

* YOU KNOW, THESE PUPPET STRINGS ARE HARD TO BREAK. *

*

(man) I'M WAITING FOR A SHERIFF

WHO NEEDS MEDICAL MARIJUANA.

I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT WON'T HAPPEN,

BECAUSE IF IT'S NEEDED, IT'S NEEDED.

YEAH, IF IT'S NEEDED, IT'S NEEDED.

THAT'S WHY I KEEP FIGHTING.

ALL RIGHT.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

[people talking]

[people chanting] SAFE ACCESS NOW. SAFE ACCESS NOW.

SO WE ARE NOT SUPPORTIVE OF THIS ACTION TODAY.

THE CITY OF WEST HOLLYWOOD BELIEVES

THAT WE HAVE A HANDLE ON THESE FACILITIES.

WE HAVE REGULATIONS IN PLACE.

WE WORK CLOSELY WITH THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT

TO ENSURE THAT THEY OPERATE WITH THE INTENT AND SPIRIT

OF PROPOSITION 215.

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT HAS THE RIGHT.

WE CAN'T STOP THEM.

WE DON'T HAVE THE LEGAL AUTHORITY.

[people booing]

[people chanting]

[slow rock music]

*

[lively horn music]

*

[siren wailing]

[people chanting] GO AWAY, D.E.A.!

GO AWAY, D.E.A.! GO AWAY, D.E.A.!

GO AWAY, D.E.A.!

GO AWAY, D.E.A.! GO AWAY, D.E.A.!

GO AWAY, D.E.A.!

THESE PEOPLE ARE EMPOWERED BY THE STATE.

THE STATE LAW IS BEING BROKEN HERE

BY THE FEDERAL AGENTS RIGHT NOW.

THESE GUYS SHOULD BE ENFORCING CALIFORNIA STATE LAW, PERIOD.

(man) THEY'RE NOT SHUTTING US ALL DOWN,

AND WE WILL REOPEN, BECAUSE IN CALIFORNIA,

THE BIGGEST TREES IN THE WORLD GROW FROM LITTLE SEEDS.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE SEED.

ALL THESE PEOPLE THAT WERE BEHIND US EARLIER

ARE LITTLE SEEDS.

THIS MOVEMENT WILL NOT BE SHOT DOWN.

WELL, YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN A PATIENT

FOR ALMOST 11 OR 12 YEARS.

WHEN I CLIMBED UP THOSE STAIRS IN SAN FRANCISCO

AND RAN INTO DENNIS PERON WALKING DOWN THE FIRST BLOCK

AND HE SAID, "RICHARD, I'M SENDING A GUY

TO LOS ANGELES WHO CAN HELP YOU,"

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO.

BUT I'M A PROUD AMERICAN PATRIOT,

AND I WILL CONTINUE FIGHTING FOR MEDICAL MARIJUANA.

SO IT'S 4:20 ON DAY 30 ON--

[Campbell over speakerphone] DOUG BENSON, IT'S OVER.

OH, IT'S JUST STARTING.

[laughs]

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW, GOING INTO THIS THING,

I THOUGHT THAT BY DAY 30,

I WOULD BE SO SICK OF POT AND BEING HIGH

AND JUST BE DYING TO BE DONE WITH IT

FOR AT LEAST-- AT LEAST TAKE A BREAK

FOR A LITTLE WHILE, YOU KNOW?

BUT I'M SITTING HERE.

IT'S 4:20, AND I'M ABOUT TO LIGHT JOINT NUMBER TWO.

OKAY.

'CAUSE, YEAH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO NOW.

YOU'RE OFF THE CLOCK, SO--

I TOTALLY DON'T HAVE TO.

IT'S PERSONAL CHOICE NOW.

UM...

ROLL SOME MORE JOINTS.

YOU GUYS ARE HERE ON DAY 30.

THIS IS DAY 30 OF GETTING HIGH ALL DAY EVERY DAY

FROM THE SECOND I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING

UNTIL I GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.

AND I GET TO WAKE-AND-BAKE.

THAT'S HOW I START.

AND THEN I DON'T HAVE A RHYME FOR THE END OF THE DAY, BUT...

(woman) IS THE PROGRAM INTERVENTION?

WHAT'S THAT?

IS THE PROGRAM INTERVENTION?

IS THE PROGRAM INTERVENTION?

[laughter]

NOW, ARE WE PLAYING JEOPARDY OR SOMETHING,

WHERE THE QUESTION IS THE ANSWER?

[laughter]

'CAUSE THAT WAS WORDED REALLY STRANGELY.

I HAVEN'T-- IT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL

IF I HAD AN INTERVENTION, MAN.

I GUESS YOU COULD TRY TO DO ONE NOW,

BUT THIS IS THE LAST DAY.

[laughter]

KIND OF FUCKED-UP TIMING.

"STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING."

THAT'S LIKE IF THE GUY IN SUPER SIZE ME

WAS LIKE, ON DAY 30, "I CAN'T DO IT."

WELL, YOU ALREADY DID A LOT OF DAMAGE.

SO THIS IS DAY 30, AND I GOT TO SAY, HONESTLY,

IT'S A FANTASTIC WAY TO LIVE.

I RECOMMEND YOU ALL BECOME STAND-UP COMICS

WHO DON'T HAVE ANYTHING, REALLY, THAT YOU HAVE TO DO

DURING THE DAY.

AND AT NIGHT, YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH ACTING LIKE A BUFFOON

IN FRONT OF NICE PEOPLE

WHO JUST WANT AN OLD-FASHIONED INTERVENTION.

[laughter]

AND, FINALLY, DO YOU THINK SICK PEOPLE

WHO FEEL BETTER WHEN THEY SMOKE POT

SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO SO

IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOMES

WHILE NOT OPERATING HEAVY MACHINERY

AND POSSIBLY WATCHING

A PROJECT RUNWAY MARATHON ON BRAVO?

YES.

YES. JOE IS RIGHT!

THANK YOU, JOE.

YOU WERE AWESOME, MAN.

EVERYBODY, YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING OUT.

I HOPE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

BYE-BYE.

[cheers and applause]

KEEP IT GOING FOR DOUG BENSON, EVERYONE!

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

(Walker Young) * WELL, I SMOKE EVERY WEED, MAN. *

* I PLANT THAT BIG OLD SEED, SON. *

* I SMOKE EVERY STRAIN THERE IS IN TOWN. *

* FROM THE SUPER STICKY GREEN TO THE HEADACHE MIX OF BROWN, *

* I SMOKE EVERY STRAIN THERE IS AROUND. *

* WELL, I SMOKE IT TILL I'M DEAD, *

* 'CAUSE IT FEELS GOOD IN MY HEAD. *

* I SMOKED A LOT IN WESTERN CAROLINE. *

* I SWEAR ON THAT ORANGE CRUSH, *

* SO SWEET IT'LL MAKE YOU BLUSH. *

* YOU'RE FEELING GOOD WITH YOUR ILLEGAL SMILE. *

* I SMOKE EVERY WEED, MAN.

* I PLANT THAT BIG OLD SEED, SON. *

* I SMOKE EVERY STRAIN THERE IS IN TOWN. *

* FROM THE SUPER STICKY GREEN TO THE HEADACHE MIX OF BROWN, *

* I SMOKE EVERY STRAIN THERE IS AROUND. *

*

* WHEN I VISIT THE PHARMACY,

* I'M GONNA SEE MY GOOD FRIEND MIKE *

* I SAY, "OH, BOY, I'VE 40 DIFFERENT STRAINS. *

* AND I SMOKED THEM ALL.

* VOLCANO TO THE BRAIN.

* I THINK I CAN REMEMBER ALL THE NAMES. *

* YOU GOT THE BUBBA KUSH, BUBBLE GUM, *

* BLUEBERRY, SOUR D, ALASKAN THUNDERFUCK, *

* AK-47, AND THE O.G. KUSH.

* YOU GOT THE PURPLE AND THE URKLE, *

* GRANDDADDY, MOTHER SHIP, AND THE ORANGE CRUSH, *

* G-13, AND LITTLE BALLS OF HASHISH. *

* YOU GOT THE BUBBA KUSH, BUBBLE GUM, *

* BLUEBERRY, SOUR D, ALASKAN THUNDERFUCK, *

* AK-47, AND THE O.G. KUSH.

* YOU GOT THE PURPLE AND THE URKLE, *

* GRANDDADDY, MOTHER SHIP, AND THE ORANGE CRUSH, *

* G-13, AND LITTLE BALLS OF HASHISH. *

* I SMOKE EVERY WEED, MAN.

* I PLANT THAT BIG OLD SEED, SON. *

* I SMOKE EVERY STRAIN THERE IS IN TOWN. *

* FROM THE SUPER STICKY GREEN TO THE HEADACHE MIX OF BROWN, *

* I SMOKE EVERY STRAIN THERE IS AROUND. *

*

* SOME PEOPLE CALL IT DOPE.

* SOME THINK IT SMELLS LIKE BURNING ROPE. *

* I TELL YOU IT RELIEVES MY MIND *

* JUST TO KNOW WE'RE A COMPASSIONATE STATE. *

* I THINK IT'S TIME TO MEDICATE *

* WITH THE BUBBA KUSH, BUBBLE GUM, *

* BLUEBERRY, SOUR D, ALASKAN THUNDERFUCK, *

* AK-47, AND THE O.G. KUSH.

* YOU GOT THE PURPLE AND THE URKLE, *

* GRANDDADDY, MOTHER SHIP, AND THE ORANGE CRUSH, *

* G-13, AND LITTLE BALLS OF HASHISH. *

* I SMOKE EVERY WEED, MAN.

* I PLANT THAT BIG OLD SEED, SON. *

* I SMOKE EVERY STRAIN THERE IS IN TOWN. *

* FROM THE SUPER STICKY GREEN TO THE HEADACHE MIX OF BROWN, *

* I SMOKE EVERY STRAIN THERE IS AROUND. *

* FROM THE SUPER STICKY GREEN TO THE HEADACHE MIX OF BROWN, *

* I SMOKE EVERY STRAIN THERE IS AROUND. *

* YEAH, I SMOKE EVERY STRAIN THERE IS AROUND. *

* YEAH, I SMOKE EVERY STRAIN THERE IS AROUND. *

* YEAH, I SMOKE EVERY STRAIN THERE IS AROUND. *