Original subtitles

MUSIC: Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

I'm not sick but I'm not well

And I'm so hot

Cos I'm in hell

So, stop all the clocks, Toni and Tony are getting remarried!

Sure, we made mistakes first time, but now we've got the chance

to make them all over again!

Already with the jokes. At least one of us is serious about giving us a fucking go!

So long, Toni.

You did, didn't you?

Oh, yeah. And you did, obviously.

Ooh, yeah. Spicy!

Clinical, more like. What's that?

A bit of crack.

Crack? Crack, Super Hans?

Relax, it's not Blue Peter. Just a nice relaxing smoke of crack.

Oh, my Lord! Oh, my fucking life. It isn't?

It bloody is! Gog!

Gog?

Gog. At school, you'd run up and sneeze in his face.

Gog!

Jeremy. What are you doing here?

Wouldn't you like to know, you big prick! So what are you doing?

Just running the business - hiring, firing and perspiring!

Business Look at you, with your wine and your jacket, just like a real person!

Remember when we made you wank off Perchy's dog for a fiver?

What are you doing, really?

Like I said, business. Going public in April.

User names. And overseeing the edit on my first short...

Honda are very interested.

What, so you're actually successful?

Looks like it, yeah.

Just been looking for music for our soundtrack that doesn't suck arse.

But, Gog, I'm music! I make music!

Right. Well, maybe we should meet up, have a chat.

Of course we should meet up and have a chat. Look, here's Super Hans.

We can do the music, can't we, Super Hans?

Tell you what, that crack is really moreish!

'Saturday shift! I thought we had people in Ireland to do this for us.

'Lovely trustworthy voices.'

If I can call at a more convenient...

OK, bye.

'Mmm, Sophie, with her lovely soft face.

'Jeff! Can't believe they're doing the Stockport contract!

'Perfect excuse for her to go round to his place, and I'm stuck with the new guy.'

- See you later, gays! - What?!

See you later, guys. Soph, see you at my place. 33 Ringfield Road.

You bring the vino.

I've got the massage oil!

'He hasn't got any massage oil. He's trying to make me obsess about massage oil.

'And it's worked.

'Break with the newbie will be a pain fest, trying to chat.

'I'll say I'm very upset and go and sit on the loo and never explain.'

Huh?

'Oh, God, he's taunting me! I should've made him a cup of tea when I had one.

'Hurrah! It was a joke! Hilarious! '

Sure you don't need a loan? Maybe for some therapy to help you shpeak pwoperly.

Huh? OK, bye.

He'd already hung up.

Oh! Right!

I don't know about you, but I'm so bored I could eat a fucking stapler!

'This is crazy. I should be working, but I'm not.'

- Ha-ha! I see you! - I'm Barnes Wallis, you're the Ruhr!

'I'm the Ruhr and no-one's actually said the word "Dambusters"!

'This is bloody brilliant! I'm having fun!

'And I'm not thinking about Sophie! '

- Go on. - I can't!

- Just imagine it's lan's cock. - Ha-ha-ha!

'I've got a friend! I've made a friend!

'Maybe there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just a normal human being! '

'I can't believe I'm pitching to Gog.

'I hope he doesn't know it was me who did the shit in his mum's airing cupboard.

'Please like my music, you lanky wanker! '

'Please, please let me do the music for your Honda film! '

- Want another beer? - Sure.

- Follow me. - 'He hates is. He bloody hates it.'

These are my guys. They had to pull a latey, so I invited them round. I've got a fridge full of beers.

This way I get to keep an eye on, which is cool!

Very cool. So, about the track...

You know what I fancy? A kebab. Will you go down and get me a kebab?

- You want me to... - I want a kebab.

What, really?

No! Why, were you going to go and get me one?

- No! - I can't believe you were going to get me one!

- I wasn't! - Well, I want one now.

Right...

Really?

No! I'm shitting you, Jez!

Jesus!

So, about the soundtrack. Can I do it?

I'm talking to a number of people, Jez. What I want is something classic.

Remember the theme tune from Jaws?

Well, I don't want that, obviously, I want something completely different.

I want something that, when people hear it, they'll immediately go, "Yeah."

Right.

'What shall I write? Can't just put "Not Jaws". Do pretend writing.'

- Are you pretending to write? - No...

It's... Really, I honestly didn't see anyone.

'Shit, what if they bring in forensics? '

Oh, hell, I probably shouldn't have done that, should I? My prints'll be all over it now.

Yeah, well, it's embarrassing. And since lan Krauss is of German extraction,

it has to be treated as a racial incident.

Ian's a? A racial incident?

But... why?

Oh, come on, Mark. Germans?

Sausages?

Do I have to spell it out?

Of course. Horrible.

And they're treating it as a racial incident? Next you won't be able to get a black coffee!

Exactly! And they'll have a bloody EU banana-straightening machine

to straighten all the bananas!

There's already a banana-straightening machine. It's called woman.

Take that Sophie, going over to Jeff's like that right in your face.

That is the behaviour of a world-class bitch.

Yeah!

'Go on, say it. I'm gonna say it! '

Yeah, I suppose she is a bit of a... bitch.

Too right. Ask Clarkson. Clarkson knows.

'Good old Clarkson! '

People like fast cars, females with big boobies and they don't want the euro.

That's all there is to it.

I'm not that hungry. Do you want anything?

Don't fancy a Chinky. Have you got a pizza menu?

About a million!

I'd like to see 'em run like that carrying real Sten guns.

- Yeah? Do you know about? - Just re-enactments. It's cool, we do WW2 stuff.

Can be an 'ell of a laugh, you know, just guys together.

Re-enactments?

'They probably sound more fun than they really are. Like Laser Quest.'

Another beergee?

Lock and load!

'God, what is he taking?

'Better not disturb him, he might attack me and be sick. Eugh'

Jeremy?

What?

What's Hans doing?

He's honking on his crack pipe.

Crack?! I've got company!

Oh, relax! "Oh, I'm Mark, I'm in the '80s, I'm dying of heroin in a puddle in the corner in an advert!"

Drugs are fine, Mark, everyone agrees now.

Drugs are what happen to people, and that's fine, so shut up.

Look, I don't want to make a scene...

A- ha-ha-hah!

What?

It's Gog. I got the commission!

Well, congratulations...

Shove it up your arsel Shove it up your arsel

I've got a commission! It's big and it's fat and it's going right up your white-bread arse!

Jez, for God's sake, I'm pleased for you!

Sure you are So pleased that I've gone straight to the finish line on my enormous bike

while you're still jogging along for miles in the rat race with all the other rats.

Exactly. I think it's great.

Great! So you won't mind if I take you out for an incredibly expensive meal to celebrate.

- I'm not that hungry. - Bollocks. We're going.

Why did you have to bring Daryl? He's a bit... boring, isn't he?

Boring? What, cos he doesn't go around with... a haircut

and an iPod and... piercings and a... strap-on?

Strap-on?

It's an example.

Sorry, excuse me, I ordered three pilau rice and three peshwari naans.

It's all right, Jeremy, it's all right, I changed the order. There's always rice left.

It's not all right. Bring us three pilau rice and four peshwari naans, please.

I've shared enough rice with you, Mark. I'm in the big league now.

Four naan, Jeremy? Four? That's insane.

So, what am I going to pay you to do in my band?

That's very kind, Jez, but you don't want to overstretch yourself.

Bollocks. I'm a very generous guy. Daryl's bringing his cor anglais, Nancy's singing,

what are you going to do?

Well, we did once talk about me doing

a kind of Jean-Michel Jarre thing on the keyboards.

Mm-hm. Or I was sort of hoping you'd say you want to be the manager.

You could order me around, which you'd enjoy, but I'd be your boss.

Could be kind of confusing, in a good way.

Three more beers for the Three Musketeers, eh? Ooh!

Aaaaah!

Aah...

Ey, check this out, right? Sexy girl walks past, it's like...

That's not funny, Daryl. Repeat, not funny!

Oh, come on, lads, let's lose the cone. I'm a somebody now. There's no need for a cone.

Ooh!

Too good for the cone, are we? We're having a laugh, Jeremy, a bloody good laugh!

Bet we're having a much better time than Sophie is right now.

Ey! Course we are, mate, course we are!

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you where we should go now.

- What are we gonna do? - Fuck him up!

We should check the doorbell's working nice and loud, yeah?

Or... or we could make a special delivery for Jeff Heaney.

Daryl, what are you? No! Don't!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, piss.

Oh, crumbs.

'What am I gonna tell Gog? What happened to all the time? We had loads! '

What we need to do is create a powerful sense of dread.

See, the longer the note, the more dread.

'God that's terrible. It's worse than Daryl's bloody cor anglais.

'They're useless. I wish they were all robots.

'I wish I was a robot. Maybe I could punch through a wall.'

Yeah, OK. Right, ready? One, two, three, let's go!

Watch out, they're gonna get you

They're gonna get you, baby They're coming after you

Watch your back, they're gonna get you

They're comin' after you-ou...

Look, no, all right?

That's... not shit, but just... no.

Hans, you realise we've only got 39 minutes left.

Oh, so now we're working it's not OK for me to smoke my crack?

Yes, exactly. Exactly.

What, so next you're gonna boot me out for not wearing a jacket and tie?

- Jez, is there anything I can? - It's under control. Please go behind the glass.

But, as your manager...

Just get back behind the glass. There is a very clear, if invisible, line,

here be beauty, there be... pie charts. OK?

Look, I've been here since eight, I'm just going to grab a coffee.

Yeah, well, if you're leaving now, don't even fucking dream of coming back!

Oh, God!

I mean, obviously, a band isn't an army, but you need some organisation.

Exactly my feeling. Exactly.

Democracy's all very well, but it's weak and it's decadent. You need a strong leader.

Er...

I'm in character.

Oh! Er, yes, yes, right. Yes. The Fatherland needs the Fuhrer.

'Oh, God, I'm even boring when I'm a Nazi.'

Jesus! Classic rubbernecker. Absolutely no interest in military history.

Might as well be checking out fucking seed drills in a farm museum.

Still, it's nice to get out of the city, isn't it?

Oh, yes, it's nice to get away from it all, the work, the smog, the graffiti.

Yeah, the traffic, the noise, the hassle.

Car alarms, the cashpoints, the blacks, the Pakis, the Jews...

Oh, er, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what we all want, a racially pure nation.

Exactly. All we're saying is England for the English, right?

You mean... Germany for the Germans?

You mean... This is... Are we?

Rights for whites. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Is this... real now?

We're on the same wavelength. Everyone thinks it, the difference is, we're not afraid to say it.

'Oh, shit. Oh, bollocks. Of course, I can't just make a nice, normal friend.

'Oh, no, that would be far too simple'

Heil Hitler!

Er, heil.

You're not supposed to do that, Daryl!

You know you're not supposed to do that!

I was really, really, really pleased with the track, once we got that weird hiss off.

I mean, you'll never get it off entirely, but, you know.

Uh-huh.

'I've got to cut the link. Daryl is definitely beyond.'

So, rest of the money should be rolling in soon, which is just as well!

Uh-huh.

'Or maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe everyone does it, and it's cool and Ali G

'and I'm just an old stick-in-the-mud, as usual.'

Mark, like I said, sorry if I was a bit of a cock-muncher down the studio.

Fine. It's totally fine, mate. Honestly.

Listen, I might pop...

just pop down the, er, Chinky. Do you want anything?

From... Er... no, I'm all right, thanks.

What about from... the... Paki shop? Do you want anything from in there?

The "Paki shop"?

Yeah, I don't normally go there. They've always got that wog box on.

Mark, what the hell are you talking about?

Yeah. That's not on, is it?

What I said, it's not all right, is it?

Well, no.

And obviously you don't think there's a... global Jewish conspiracy

controlling everything?

What, you mean, am I a racist?

Yeah. If you think that and say those things, you're a racist, aren't you?

Well... yeah.

As it turns out... Daryl is a racist.

You're sure he's a proper...

It wasn't just racist... horseplay?

No, because I was in the tent with him for ages and we talked for a long time,

and it was mostly on racial classifications - head measurements and so on.

Wow.

I feel terrible. Do you think I should... confront him?

You mean you didn't confront him?

Yeah. No, naturally I confronted him,

but maybe I should... confront him... again, more.

DOORBELL

- Tell him I'm not here! - Why?

Because I didn't confront him, all right?

Oh, hi, Daryl.

- Hey, Jez. Is Mark around? - No, he's gone out, to get a Thai curry.

'Because that's what we eat nowadays while you're chomping on your racist carrots.'

Hope Jeff's neighbour got the cheque for the window.

So sorry. We were passing and I said, "Let's see if they're in, throw some stones at the window."

Daryl thought I said "a stone," and the stone he picked was a brick

and he got the wrong window... You know the rest.

Sorry I'm late, everyone. >

Hey, Mark, my man!

Hi...

Is your mobile broke? I've not been able to get you for days.

Hey, they do chicken wings! I love chicken wings.

So, Alan, why have you got us all down here?

Well, I noticed a bit of static back in the office.

Just thought we should come here for a bit of a bonding sesh.

- Oh, right. Great. - So...

- Anyone see the game last night? - Er, no.

I did. Thierry Henry made Savage look like a right carthorse!

Brilliant, wasn't he? When are people finally gonna admit that you lot are better at sports?

'No, not here. No, this can't happen! '

- "You lot"? - He means guys like you who are French.

He thinks you're French! I keep telling you, he's not French! Come on, let's get you a drink.

Listen, mate, while we've got a minute - the thing is...

I'm busy, you're busy...

I just think maybe we should stop seeing each other so much.

What, stop being mates?

Yeah, you know, you say potato, I say tomato - let's call the whole thing off.

But why?

Well, it's the 21st century, no-one actually likes each other any more,

so let's just leave it at that.

But I do like you! I think you're fucking great!

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but... I don't have time. OK? There's no time.

So let's just forget anything ever happened, OK?

'It's OK, he doesn't have any feelings. Racists don't have feelings, they're subhuman.

'Yes, little Tetraminos, you fit neatly together and dissolve

'because everything is simple in Tetris world.'

Er, Mark? I've got a massive, massive favour to ask you.

- Uh-huh? - Yeah. It's, um...

The thing is, Gog, he's got some reservations about the track

and he's holding out on the four grand till we get it right.

Uh-huh...

But the thing is, I've basically been very, very foolish,

and I've spent all of our advance on drugs and shoes...

and I really need to borrow quite a lot of money to go back into the studio and I was thinking...

I mean, you are the manager...

OK... How much?

Brilliant! Now, the favour...

That's not the favour?!

Er... no. You see, the thing is, Gog...

he's really not very keen at all on any of the track...

except, as it turns out, for the cor anglais.

He wants much, much more cor anglais.

No, Jeremy. You know what Daryl's like.

No, sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Of course.

But look at it another way - we've all got our foibles.

I mean, I, for example, hate mozzarella.

It's not the same.

It is kind of the same.

I mean, aren't we supposed to be living in a multicultural democracy?

And isn't that the point?

You know, the Jews and the Muslims and the racists all living happily together, side by side,

doing and saying whatever the hell they like?

'Cor anglais, of course. Probably plays it in the BNP jazz combo.'

Brilliant, fantastic.

What did you think, Hans?

Crack! Just gimme crack!

Well, I loved it. If you want to print one of those out, or whatever.

Jeremy, don't just go!

I'll suck for crack!

Come on, let's get you some crack!

Tell Daryl we're very grateful.

Great to hear from ya!

You got over whatever brain attack you had in Frankie and Benny's then?

'I'm safe. In my cubicle, I'm safe.'

So are we off for a pint, or what?

Er, Daryl, listen, the truth is...

I can't be associated with you any more, because... you're a racist.

What? Yeah, but I thought we were on the same wavelength!

You know, the sausage, the euro, Clarkson.

There's a difference. Daryl, you can't hate people because of their ethnic background!

Oh, right. Political correctness gone mad.

No! I hate political correctness gone mad more than anyone!

I don't wanna teach the world to sing, that would be horrible,

but slavery? The Holocaust?

That's just not on!

Whereas, I Have A Dream...

South Africa, Benetton... It's...

You've got to say, fair enough. Yeah?

Yeah. OK, no. Fair enough. You've talked me round.

I have?

Fuck off! Thought police!

'Well. there he goes.

'The first friend I've made since Nick Bickford in '96.

'And I'm pretty sure Nick didn't really like me.'

Do we have to do this? We're not going to hurt him, are we?

You want your money back, don't you? He's refusing to pay up or like the track.

I told you you should've had a proper contract!

- How are you feeling, Super Hans? - Totally fine.

You've kicked the crack?

No, except now I bang a load of Valium up me arsehole for the comedown.

What's this?

Cover. In case the cops turn up. Just a bunch of mates playing baseball.

Oh! Jeremy. Right, so, what, you've had more thoughts about the track?

Yeah, we have, actually.

OK, great.

Yeah. We thought we might smash your brains in with a baseball bat.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

See, we want our money, and we're feeling a little bit clumsy...

Whoops

I've told you, it's out of my hands now. The Honda people are very hard to please.

Oh, Honda, Honda, Honda. Fuck Honda.

Nice packet of Crunchy Nut you've got here. Pretty expensive, as I recall.

Not so rich and successful now with a piece of wood in your face, mmm?

Oi, Jez!

Look, Jeremy, we can come back again, he's got the message. You're gonna pay, aren't you?

No.

All right then. We've got our answer. Let's go!

We've got to hurt him on principle. Hit him with the fucking bat, Jez.

Why do I have to? Why don't you do it? Punch him with the glove.

I can't even make a fist!

The whole point of contract law, the whole point of a contract is to make sure this never happens!

- Don't answer it. - What if it's Honda?

- It's not going to be Honda. - Could be Honda.

All right, but a word out of place and you're getting the bat.

Hello?

Honda!

Oh, really? Oh, that's great news.

I'm so pleased. Dave, call the police! There's people here, they're trying to kill me,

they're trying to kill me!

Hello, er, Dave, it's Mark here. I'm an old friend of Gog's.

Don't worry, we're not trying to kill him, it's just... he's never... had sushi before,

he thought we were trying to poison him.

It's all right, Gog, you're not meant to cook it, it's supposed to be raw!

Can he call you back?

Hey, Mark. What's the big stink?

Daryl's getting the sack.

Apparently he was a massive racist and not even his best friends knew.

Someone reported him.

Right!

'Oh, shit! He knows, he knows it was me. He's got a pipe bomb in his trousers.

'Don't bomb me, you wouldn't bomb a whitey! '

Don't worry, I'm not going to embarrass you, all right? I'm going now. I just wanted to say...

I don't care what happened, I still think you're a bloody good guy.

Oh, and I took the rap for the sausage, so you're in the clear there.

So, well, I'll see you around, mate.

Yeah, and good riddance, you... you fucking Nazi!

MUSIC: Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's comin' to get me

Just say you never met me

I'm running underground with the moles digging holes.