Original subtitles

MUSIC: Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

I'm not sick but I'm not well

And I'm so hot

Cos I'm in hell

Mmm.

Jeremy, what are you doing?

It's Toni. She's rummaging. I'm watching her rummage.

God, do you know what? I think I love her.

You love her? What do you love about her?

Mmm... everything.

Her... vibe. Oh, God, why does the world have to be so wrong?

Come on, Jez! You don't love her. You're just jealous cos her husband's back.

There's only so much happiness in the world and they're hoarding it all.

- That's not how happiness works. - 'It completely is.'

Yeah, what would you know about love or happiness?

'What do I know about love and happiness? I know you have to play dirty, my friend.

'Just can't seem to crack it.

'Got to go! Can't believe Personnel issued happy hats.

'Johnson's our new boss. Course we're going to be happy.'

I'd like to thank everyone for such a warm welcome...

'Maybe I should stop trying to break into her e-mail.

'Just have a nice big talk to Sophie. A proper chat. Really get down to it.'

this department needs a kick up the arse so hard my foot'll go up your digestive tract

and wiggle out your mouth like a little leather tongue.

'Yeah, fuck carrot and stick. He's making the stick out of carrot.

'Jesus, he's good. Careful, there's man love and there's business love

'and never the twain shall meet.

'OK, Sophie. Here goes.

'No running away, just stay here and let it all flood out.'

Hey, Mark! How's it hanging?

OK, thanks.

Sophie, I was wondering... I was hoping that we could have a chat.

A proper chat.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. So...

Tell me, what was the name of your first childhood pet?

Gerbil the gerbil. MUSIC: Dancing In The Moonlight by Toploader

I love this song! Why?

Oh, Jeremy and I were having a bet.

Only wine gums, but it makes the evenings go a bit quicker.

Oh. So, did you want to dance?

I can't, really, it's not...

Hi, Soph. You dancing?

Oh, you betcha!

'Yeah, you won't be so cocky, Jeff,

'when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition.

'I'm probably exactly the sort of person who could end up doing something like that.

'Come on, gerbil!

'Ah, cock-knobs! All right, what's her favourite TV show?

'Sex And The City. S-A-T-C.

'Bollocks. Maybe she thinks it's Sex In The City.

'Yes! I'm in! Bollocks to emoting, I've got my hands on her innards!

'Hello, "Mark vs Jeff". This I have to see.

'Blah, blah, "Jeff's a laugh, but he can be an arsehole, but I do fancy him.

"'Mark's clever and funny, but he's so serious. I wish we could just be mates for a while

"'but he's so uptight." OK.'

Hey, Soph!

Hey, Mark! So, you wanted to have a big chat and everything?

Yeah, we could do, but then,

why be so serious and uptight all the time? We should relax, do matey things, yeah?

Absolutely.

Like... a movie. A movie on a wet Saturday.

That's what mates do, right?

Sure. Or what about a dance class? If you think you can face it you can come to my dance class!

Dancing? Yes, dancing, I love dancing.

'Because it makes me look like a coma victim being stood up and zapped with a cattle prod.'

MUSIC: "Bitch" by Meredith Brook

How about biscotti? Jeremy, would you like some biscotti?

Er... sure.

I'll get them.

So, have you heard? Brand New Heavies are releasing a new album.

Toni, I love you. I can't hold it in, I absolutely fucking love you.

Jeremy, what are you... Really?

I was just telling Jeremy about the Brand New Heavies' new album.

Yeah. That's something to look forward to, isn't it?

I'd like a ginger nut, if there are any.

Yeah, I think there are some.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

Jeremy...

God, you're so... I mean...

- What's going on? - Tony... Jeremy loves me.

Um, no, I didn't actually...

Of course you do. You're a moth, sucked in by the light.

I've been banging my head for 15 years against that beautiful light bulb

and I wouldn't change a day.

... and don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover...

She's the beautiful poison, my friend.

'God, this is such a mess.

'It's fantastic.'

This is the best thing for you, mate. Take your mind off it.

Maybe I should send her a bit of ear. Or a finger. Just to show I'm really serious.

Hi, guys! There's a changing room round there if you want to...

Um, I thought these would be... This is salsa, isn't it?

No. Oh, no, salsa's on Tuesdays. This is Rainbow Rhythms.

It's quite full-on. Mark, are you all right with that?

Me?

Totally... This looks...

cool.

'I've walked into my own personal nightmare.

'Must remain non-uptight for Sophie

'even if they make me play trust exercises with their genitals.'

OK, so now...

we move into... red,

the colour of primal urges.

'Jesus. Mark's such a honky.

'I'm definitely the alpha-est male here.

'He's probably here for community service.

'He looks like he's actually getting a bonk on.

'I'm definitely king of the hippy jungle.'

Take a partner.

And with that partner, let the music take you into your primal self.

'Jesus Christ! She must be a tranny.

'She's no tranny! '

'I'm not really here, it's research. I'm Louis Theroux. I'm Louis Theroux.

'Hey! No fair, that's my fun!

'Got to get in there.'

Look, can you please just get out of my way?

Thank you.

Hey, Soph!

I came with her.

- It's really hot! Fancy ducking out for a while? - We're right in the middle.

He-hey!

'Is this it? Is this what my granddad died for?

'The freedom to do this? Jesus! '

So, how did we all experience the class?

Well, um...

I felt a lot of stuff to do with rejection coming up for me tonight.

Um, I was dancing with someone

and they made it very clear that they didn't want to be with me.

Er, and it just... brought up a lot of feelings.

That's all. Thanks.

Yeah, there was a lot of new energy in the room tonight

and some of it was just so Rainbow Rhythms,

and some of it was just so not Rainbow Rhythms. Thanks.

Why don't you just say who you're talking about? You're talking about me, aren't you?

Well, yes, all right, I am.

Well, listen. I'm sorry if I didn't do it right

and I'm sorry if you assume

that I eat red meat and don't necessarily think

money or Tony Blair are a bad thing,

but if there isn't room here

for people who stand against everything you believe in,

then what sort of a hippy free-for-all is this?

'I can't believe yesterday morning

'I was trying to jerk off to Toni's answerphone message

'and this morning... '

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus!

Oh, Jesus, thank you for this experience!

Yeah... Thanks, Jesus.

OK, now... stop.

What?

Don't... move a muscle.

Now we hold... this moment... for as long...

as we can...

in total... silence.

- Jeremy! - Go... away!

No, Jez. Look, we've discussed this. Early in morning counts as late at night

and we agreed no reggae music late at night, so...

What?

Oh, for God's sake, Jeremy. I can't talk to you with... that.

Oh, for God's sake, Mark, we've both got one, haven't we?

Look, Jez, can you please just keep it quiet?

Some of us have jobs to go to.

Mark, your job is going to the office. My job is having sex.

Yeah? That's what I do now. That's what I am. I'm a sexer. OK?

Sorry, Mark, did we wake you?

We were both coming so hard we didn't notice the volume.

An explanation. Finally.

Thank you, Nancy.

Thanks for the explanation.

'OK, so, dance class.

'Ali-kazoo, ali-kazam, let's find out just how fucked I am.

'OK, here we go. "And last night Mark was a bit weird." Fair comment.

"'He didn't really get it." What's to get?

"'But, shit! He came, so that was pretty amazing." OK!

"'Had dinner with Jeff later." Ooh, naughty.

"'Gave him a kiss, but not sure. He can be so pushy."

'He kissed her?! I've got to make a move! Maybe I should try tapping her phone.'

'Hope they're not doing it in the hall.

'There's nothing erotic about a hall, is there? '

Hello? I'm coming in now! This is me coming into my house!

- Hi, Mark. - All right, Jez. Is Nancy around?

- Just gone. I'm seeing her down the Rhythms. - Right, OK.

Jez, why's the chair? And...

what's all this strawberry?

And... my... yogurt? Jez, what's happened to my Muller?

Oh, no, you haven't, have you? You haven't been sexing it up in here with my yogurt?

Relax, Mark, it's all right. We were just feeling very... horny.

I don't want to know! OK? I don't want to hear about it!

And I don't want it using up all my yogurt and... bloody... shower gel?!

Mark, I'm just in a very erotic relationship right now. I mean,

we're systematically breaking down all of society's taboos.

Right. And love? Romance? I mean, is there any romance in any of this at all?

Who needs romance when you're doing it up the bum?

Exactly. Exactly my point.

I mean, if you've actually done... that,

which, by the way, I can see no point whatsoever in myself...

- You'd love to try it. - I honestly would not!

What is this modern obsession with... that?

Look, Jez, what I'm trying to say is,

so, for better, for worse, the '60s happened,

and now sex is fine.

But can't we take the best of that,

the nice music, the colours, the "I have a dream", etc,

but not have to face the... squalor?

Er, you might want to give that

a bit of a rinse, actually, mate.

Do I really have to do this?

What are you afraid of, Jeremy?

All done.

I dunno, it just feels almost... wrong.

We're breaking a taboo, of course it feels wrong. We've got boundaries to smash, Jeremy.

It's our duty to God, Shiva, NASDAQ, whatever you wanna call him.

But are you sure this isn't... racist?

Jeremy, I come from America. I've seen the problems race brings up.

Now fuck me and pretend I'm your mom!

What? Why?

You can't imagine your mom having sex with a black man? That's pretty racist, Jeremy.

It's not that, it's just... Mum?

Really?

Mummy? I... I'm sorry, Nancy, I can't do it.

I'm not... getting anything.

I'm sorry. I just can't.

'I wonder which of my treasured possessions

'they'll be putting in each other's anuses tonight? '

'God, she's amazing.

'Got to keep her interested. Prove I can breaking taboos. But what?

'Take a crap on the floor? No.'

Hi, honey, I managed to make it!

Oh. Brilliant.

Tony and I talked it all through, the whole horrible situation.

- What situation? - You being in love with me!

Oh, right. Yeah.

Now, as we flow into yellow,

remember, stop thinking.

Let your body dance you.

'Next she'll be telling us to use the Force.

'lf you ask me, Skywalker was bloody lucky to get away with turning off his guidance system.

'No, to act relaxed, it'll take all my cunning, skill and concentration.'

'Shit! Who's Mr New Pants? Fuck, he's crossing a boundary.

'Bollocks, why do we come somewhere with no boundaries?

'This would never happen at the pub'

Now, as we move into red, let it all go, my super-luminaries.

Open the box.

'Yeah, sure, honey. Appear to be opening the box

'while, in fact, the lid stays very firmly on.'

'She's buying it! God, it's so easy being a freak!

'No wonder they're ten a penny.

'I should get extra marks for not feeling a fucking thing.'

Mark, how are you feeling?

You looked like you really got in touch with something in there.

'Oh, for God's sake! '

Yeah, well, it wasn't really me as such,

it was almost as if something was flowing out of me.

Mmm, that literally happened to me the first time I went.

- I opened up so much I puked. - Blimey.

I think that's fantastic.

No, brilliant. I mean, that's brilliant, honey. You're such a bloody trooper.

That's when I decided to live in the open 24/7. No more crap...

crap sex, crap relationships.

Absolutely, sweetheart.

I mean, we have a great time together and obviously we both know it's an open relationship.

Exactly. We're open in our relationship.

And we're open with other people.

We... are?

That's what we're all about, right, Jez? Freedom.

Sure, Nance, sure, yeah. Freedom, loyalty, commitment, monogamy.

In a sense, that's the final taboo, isn't it?

That's funny, you weren't worried about monogamy the other day when you told me you loved me.

Right, yeah. I mean,

that was a bit of a... Not mistake,

or joke, but... just wrong.

I mean, you can't love two people at once.

Yes, you can.

Of course you can.

No, sure, obviously you can, but you don't.

You work out who you like best and then pretend not to like anyone else.

What do you think, Soph? Can you love more than one person at a time?

Well, um, I mean, it depends what type of love you're talking about.

'Yeah, but what does she really think? Probably shouldn't look again today.

'More than once every four hours would be obsessive.'

very confusing.

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Tell you what, I'm off to the bog. For a wee!

'Conversation is rubbish. You could waste years talking to someone

and never get the bottom line. OK. Still nothing interesting in the outbox.

'She needs to express her feelings more. Ha! Just, check the inbox.

'A-ha! Jeff. Just arrived. What's your game?

"'Soph, just a thought, d'you fancy going punting on Saturday?

"'Thought it might be a laugh. Bell me. Love, Jeffy."

'Jeffy. Eugh. Punting? Punting equals shunting.

'Got to get in first, ask her out on a day trip. What's a banker? '

And we'd be exploring the miracles of flight and human endeavour.

It's a spiritual thing, really.

Mark, we are not going to RAF Duxford.

And I'm sorry, but we did vote, so the stone circle it is.

Yes. Yes, I know.

Well, it'll be good to go to a field and... look at some stones.

Shit. We've gone into the crease. I can't make out anything in the crease.

Jez, we've been lost for four hours now. Fuck it, I'm going to Tollesbury.

Tollesbury?

Yeah. We can surprise Gwyn from dance class. He's got a boathouse there.

Right, Gwyn. Brilliant.

'Shit. Got to stop this. Grab the wheel. Cause an accident.

'There's definitely a taboo against that. Plus, if she got disfigured,

'she'd be more likely to stick with me.

'But what if I came off worse, lost a limb? I'm punching above my weight as it is.'

Or, listen, if we take a right up ahead,

we could make it to this really wicked-looking public weighbridge!

This is great. So great to see you guys down here.

This place is just fantastic, Gwyn. Isn't it fantastic?

- Amazing. - Brilliant.

- Yeah. We should think about heading off. - Nonsense. You're here, enjoy.

Hey, I tell you what.

Let's all take a swim.

Nice idea but no... stuff. So we'd better be off.

On a day like this, what stuff do you need? "Sorry, I can't possibly enjoy

"the fresh water against my skin, I haven't got my stuff."

All right, I don't need stuff, either.

Forget stuff. Let's have it.

Is there no stuff I can borrow? I really do feel much more comfortable with stuff.

Oh, this is amazing! I love this!

Come on, Mark!

Get the pants off, dude, and come on in!

I might keep them on, actually.

Don't be a party pooper, get 'em off!

Yeah! Come on!

'No way. No fucking way.'

I'm not sure I want to swim, actually. I might just watch.

Off! Off! Off!

Off! Off! Off!

We've all got 'em off, get 'em off! We're having fun!

Jez! Seriously, don't!

I'm pulling your pants down, Mark!

Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off me!

I'll do it. All right? I'll do it.

In my own time, I'll do it.

Yes!

'OK, done the hard part, they've seen and rated my penis,

'now it's time to take advantage of the '60s vibe to get it on with Sophie.'

This place is amazing, Gwyn.

How can you afford it all?

I guess I've just been very lucky.

Money's an energy and lots of it has always flowed towards me,

particularly after my parents died.

Cosmic.

Yeah. Well, that might sound funny to you, but it was actually quite a painful time.

I just meant... 'You're not gonna out-hippy me, you fucking hippy.'

this place has great energy.

Yeah. I remember when I first spent time down here.

I was 14 years old and I came down here all alone,

just with a candle and an old, old copy of Henry Miller.

And I just had the most amazing wank.

It really just bust me open.

I couldn't believe that I had this... instrument right there.

Isn't it amazing, that first big wank?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah.

I tell you what we used to do down here when we were kids. Spin the bottle,

that old thing!

Hey. Why not?

Why don't we just fucking go for it?

Yeah!

OK, so, whoever's on kisses whoever the bottle stops at. Cool?

Yeah. Mark?

'Say no. Ask her to go for a walk.'

Sure, yeah.

OK, so, Jez, you're on. And it's...

'Nancy. Nancy. Nancy.'

Mark.

OK, so, what happens? Spin again?

Sure. If you can't handle it, spin again.

Oh, I can handle it.

I just wasn't sure about... Mark...

where you stand on... taboos.

'I'm not uptight. I'm not uptight! '

I... hate taboos.

Well, me too.

I break them.

Me too, I... love breaking them.

'Oh, no! No! No!

'I can't believe this is happening. He doesn't even floss.

'I tell him, but he won't. Jesus, when can we stop? '

'Don't stop first. If I don't mind looking gay,

'I'll seem the most hetero. At least it's Mark.

'Oh, Jesus, it's Mark! '

Wow, Mark!

Well done.

Thank you.

OK, so, Nancy's on.

'This is probably how the Manson family started.'

Come here, you.

Er... hey,

come on, folks, there are other people waiting to...

Hmm. OK.

'The squalor. It's happening. It's Woodstock, it's Altamont, it's My Lai.

'Although, Sophie's hand on my thigh,

'maybe there's a time and a place for squalor.'

Sophie, your hand...

Oh, look. Gwyn's feeling me up.

'I'm Louis Theroux. I'm Louis Theroux and his wry smile at the orgy.'

Mark, are you into this? Cos you don't look that into this.

No, no, this is... great. I'm, I'm into this.

Because I'm not sure I'm into this.

You're not?

Brilliant.

'Sure, an orgy sounds great, but you're basically just multiplying

'the number of people you won't be able to look in the eye afterwards.'

It would be interesting to try something like that one day

but there would inevitably be complications.

If you're into that, you probably see the inevitable complications as part of the fun.

Yeah.

Isn't this beautiful?

It really is.

Here you go.

'Yeah, you can keep your VD and your barricades

'and your talking and your drugs,

'I'm back to basics - moonlight, lake, cardigan.

'Perfect.

'I should do something romantic.

'Surely I'm not about to sing? '

I may be right I may be wrong

But I'm perfectly willing to swear

That when you turned and smiled at me

A nightingale sang in Berkeley Square

'He looked like he was singing. He couldn't have been singing.

'This is good. This is like watching a porno.

'Except I can't see anything,

'I haven't got a hard-on and I want to cry.'

'OK, this is the last time. I've really got to stop it, at least ration it.

'Three times a day. Yak, yak, yak.

"'Mark was so sweet, feel like we could have something special if we see more of each other."'

- Henmania! - Hey, Mark, what are you celebrating?

Oh, it's just... Weren't we meeting outside?

Go on, what is it? Let me see.

Honestly, it's nothing.

- How did you? Mark, is that my e-mail? - No, it's not! It's just, er...

'Escape! Escape! Escape! '

Mark, I can't believe you'd actually...

Sophie, but... Please! Don't!

We have something special!

Not my words, yours! We can't throw that all away

just because I... spy on you!

Can we?

MUSIC: Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's comin' to get me

Just say you never met me

I'm running underground with the moles digging holes.